


The Messiness of Life

by Victoria G (selftaughthuman)



Series: The Messiness of Life & Side Stories [1]
Category: Mai-HiME, Mai-Otome
Genre: Alternate Universe - Medical, Angst, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Fanart, Grief/Mourning, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, Stalking, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:33:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 290,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28656528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selftaughthuman/pseuds/Victoria%20G
Summary: Having settled into a life on Fuuka island, Fujino Shizuru finds herself unexpectedly intrigued by a newly hired surgeon.I wrote this story quite some time ago (2014), but never posted the sketches I did for it, as it was on ff.net. This re-post here is only to include those little sketches scattered throughout.
Relationships: Fujino Shizuru/Kuga Natsuki, Fujino Shizuru/Sagisawa Yohko, Harada Chie/Senoh Aoi, Kanzaki Reito/Tokiha Mai, Munakata Shiho/Tate Yuuichi, Okuzaki Akira/Tokiha Takumi, Past Kuga Natsuki/Tate Yuuichi
Series: The Messiness of Life & Side Stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2189724
Kudos: 16





	1. Rebellion, Yuuichi, and Fuuka

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter consists of three parts, a "Narrative" done from the point of view of Shizuru, a "Digression" which explores another character, and an "Aside" which is a drabble. Additionally, for sanity's sake italicized and bold-faced dialogue will represent words spoken in English, whereas all other dialogue is spoken in Japanese.

**Narrative #1: Every Rebellion**   
**Date: August 22, 2013 … a Thursday**

I took a seat on the shuttle that ran between Fuuka Hospital's main campus and the building housing the administrative offices. It was raining lightly outside and unseasonably cool. I did not mind either of the two, but I found some comfort in the dry warmth of the air inside the small bus. Due to the slowness of our interoffice mail system, I had taken it upon myself to bring over a few documents concerning the research study I was overseeing. Between the study subjects and my residents, it had been unusually busy. The third and fourth years were competent, devoted. Overall, I was quite pleased with the progress my new group was making as well. They were intelligent, dutiful, and eager...all I could ask for in a student. There was that look on their faces already though, the sort of blind worshipful look that seemed to grow older each time that I saw it. It was flattering and tiresome in the same breath. Today I had enjoyed the rare chance to once again run a case myself. My eyes dropped to the window where thin slashes of rain streaked across the acrylic panels. The tired machine jerked to a stop and I watched as a woman with dark hair jumped through the doors. She gave a curt nod to the driver, nearly throwing herself into the seat, swinging a satchel from around her shoulder onto the empty space beside her. The forceful way she moved caught my attention. The fact that she was absolutely gorgeous held it. I let myself take in the sight of her, indulging my curiosity.

She sat in the corner seat, long legs crossed at the thigh, her tight black jeans ending just above a pair of sneakers. They surprised me because I had not seen a pair like that in some time; white leather, rubber toe, deep purple stripes up the side, incredibly clean…as if she paid attention to their state. She wore what looked like a fitted, waist-length military jacket, the zipper of which came across at a diagonal. It was an unusual shade of blue, almost indigo, the off-white hood of a knit sweater hanging outside the collar. A set of silver headphones wrapped behind her head ended in thin metal earpieces resembling lightning bolts and lead to a phone she was fiddling with. The ear that I could see, the left, was pierced four times. Her black hair was gathered loosely, escaped strands falling around her face. The eyes that stared down at the screen in her hand were impossibly green. She was silently but clearly conveying that she had no interest in interaction of any kind with a deliberateness that intrigued me. I felt ridiculous as my heart beat strongly against my ribcage. I was far too old for crushes, especially such sudden ones.

I looked down at my purse, slipping out the book I had been reading, opening to the page that my bookmark lay against. I read the same sentence five times, not once understanding it before I sighed and closed my eyes. Against my better judgment, I allowed myself another look in her direction. One arm rested on top of the bag beside her, fingers on her left hand dangling, a rather nice watch hanging from a thin wrist. Her head was turned, and my gaze followed the lines of her neck as she stared out the windshield. I saw the tip of a tattoo beneath her hairline, the back of her sweater preventing me from being able to guess what it was. She was every rebellion I could think of rolled into the prettiest package I'd ever seen. I was actually pleased she never looked my way because my impulse would have been to smile and I was not entirely certain how that would have been received.

When we stopped, I waited deliberately for her to rise before I stood up. I thanked the driver on the way out. I watched her stalk, there wasn't a better word for how she was walking, through the revolving glass door. My eyes stayed on her even as we waited, a few paces away from one another, for the elevator. She had yet to even look in my direction, which made me smile. To have avoided it this long already, indicated it was intentional. As the elevator doors opened, she paused for a moment, flipping her hair unnecessarily and then moved inside. I stepped in as well. The steady tap of some drumbeat poured distractingly from her headphones in the confined space.

"Can I press a floor for you?" I asked and she made no discernible response. It was very possible she could not hear me. As I depressed the white circle labeled '5', quite suddenly she was next to me, pressing the button below. I turned my body to remove myself from in front of the panel, which resulted in her brushing my side and us standing rather close.

The beautiful woman stared at me so boldly with those gorgeous eyes that it, oddly enough, rendered me shy. For lack of a better response I smiled, to which she responded by making a completely baffling expression composed of a single concerned eyebrow, a single surprised eyebrow, and a slightly curled lip. My only recourse was to continue smiling, to which she responded by ignoring me completely and retreating to the back corner.

We did not look at one another for the duration of the ride up, whatever small talk I would have made blocked by her blasting music. When the elevator stopped and she stepped out, she turned the volume up impossibly higher. With the levels she had reached, it surprised me to note there was no blood trickling from her ears. Before the door closed, I was mildly surprised to see her embrace an older, thin man with an afro who I vaguely recognized as the head of the research laboratories. To some degree, I felt foolish for thinking so much on a girl I would likely never see again and showed no interest in me. I shook my head at myself as the metal doors closed in front of me. It amused me that I was so shaken by the sight of an angry, albeit attractive, stranger.

**Digression #1: Tate Yuuichi**   
**Date: April 14, 2012 ... a Saturday**

****

"Kuga, what's in these boxes?" Tate Yuuichi's voice was strained as he hauled in yet another box, that like the three he had already carried, was close to unliftably heavy.

"Books." She answered gruffly, from the doorway where she was struggling to push a small sofa through with another woman whose gritted teeth and livid stare were starting to scare him.

"What do you want with so many books?" He asked between puffs of air, as beads of sweat broke across his forehead.

"To…uh… Nao, lift it up!... read them…"

"What the hell do you think I'm doing? Why don't you goddamn look first, you're crushing me with it!"

"I'm not…wait watch it! You're gonna tear it."

"I'm not gonna tear it, you clumsy idiot! Turn it." With a wary glance, he took the extra steps to the side door, placing the box down in the living room and wiping at his face with his shirtsleeve. Those two girls together would be the death of him.

"I AM TURNING IT!" Soft brown eyes peered around a half-wall as a loud thump echoed, followed by a sharp cry. "IDIOT! YOU DROPPED IT ON MY FOOT!" He couldn't see the dark-haired woman because she was still outside, but he could imagine the expression of outrage, the one that turned her from pretty to terrifying in an instant.

"I told you to turn it, pup." The redheaded woman was taunting her. Why did the girl always have to do that when Natsuki was already angry? Like a schoolboy taunting a girl he liked because he didn't know what else to do with himself. It was annoying because he'd be the one who had to deal with the consequences of it. "With those mannish arms, you'd think you'd be able to handle a fucking couch!" Oh boy.

"Kuga, let me and Takumi get the couch." The suggestion was meant to be helpful.

"OI TATE, STAY OUT OF IT!" His eyebrows shot up.

If there was one thing he found completely unpredictable, it was women. He was a solution-oriented person. If there was a problem, he would fix it. The couch was stuck; he could fix that. With women though it was never about the couch being stuck. It was about things he saw as unconnected, things that never entered his mind when looking at the couch. It was apparently about respecting her as a person, or him not believing she was capable, or if her mood was right about the state of their entire relationship. Even Natsuki, who was so much less like that than the others he had met, still could manage to twist things around him like a noose, especially if she was hungry. He sighed, looking at the ceiling. One time… one time he wanted it to just be about the couch. Running a hand through short brown spikes, he released a frustrated grunt. In his younger days, when he dyed his hair that silly orange-blonde, when hers had dark blue streaks and both of their tempers were much shorter, he would have stomped off, stopped helping, but he had more patience now… or maybe he was resigned to this sort of craziness.

"Fine." He wandered back toward the truck. In ten minutes he expected the couch to be sitting abandoned in the doorway. In ten minutes he expected the two girls to say nothing about it and start moving boxes in the side door. In ten minutes he would find Takumi and they would move the couch in. In fifteen minutes it would never be spoken of again. In the meantime, back to those god-awful, back-breaking books.

"What are they doing over there?" A nervous voice sounded from inside the truck. A slim young man was moving boxes, trying to dig out a coffee table for them to put their lunch on.

"Getting a couch stuck in the doorway." He answered, smiling roguishly at the knowing look in the other's eyes. He did not have to ask if his assistance would be welcome as they pulled the piece of wooden furniture out together, easily placing it on the grass, where they both sat on its top for a minute to catch their breath.

Yuuichi sipped from a bottle of water he'd left with the truck, noting the off-white sofa was still lodged in the front door, but both women had departed.

"You feel okay?" He asked casually, listening to the respiration from the boy…man now, beside him. It was a habit for all of them, to see to Takumi. His shortness of breath had improved after the transplant surgery, but still, all of them thought about it, remembered seeing him gasping on the ground, clutching his chest when an attack seized him.

"Yeah." He smiled without meaning it, as he always did when they asked that question.

"We should get that couch inside."

The thin man laughed. "Yup."

The angle was the problem and it wasn't easy, but by flipping the entire piece on end, they were able to edge it inside. They made short work of bringing it into the living room where Nao sat throwing distasteful glances at what looked like the pieces of some sort of television stand and swatting at Natsuki's beloved dog as he kept trying to crawl into her lap.

Yuuichi said nothing when he walked out of the room, but being useful, feeling useful relaxed him. As he passed around the corner to the foyer, he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see green eyes looking up at him. Her brows were knit together in a worried expression.

"Sorry." She said quietly, standing on tiptoe to plant a quick kiss on his lips, her soft hand on his neck.

He smiled at her and squeezed her other hand where it hung by her hip. "I like your arms Kuga."

Her cheeks turned the faintest shade of pink and she looked away, as she always did when anything resembling a compliment was said to her. She did manage a half-smile before they parted, and he walked back outside. In one more year she'd be moving into her mother's house permanently. She'd sat on the property since her inheritance passed to her at the age of eighteen. Funny that all it took was her sister, Alyssa, starting school in Japan next year to finally convince her to use it. They'd been together six years officially; it had taken almost as long to wear her down in the first place. They'd made it through her attending an exchange program in England, seeing each other only sparingly when vacations allowed. It hadn't felt real until she moved back. Even if they were still a train ride away from each other, Kyoto was close enough for now.

He wondered at the fact that she still seemed surprised by kisses, even those she initiated. She had told him before that his face felt scratchy, but even when he just shaved, the reception was only a little more favorable. They called each other by their last names more often than not. It had evolved into a term of endearment. They'd known each other since they were twelve after all. He'd never been scared of her the way the other boys were. She was different than the other girls, he noticed it almost immediately. She didn't care about who liked who and what this one said. She was more practical, more logical, more like him, even if she was a bit hostile at first. It didn't last. They'd protected each other, confided in each other, and been each other's only real friend until their circle began to gather... until Mai and Nao.

It didn't change until their senior year in high school. He woke up like any other day and walked into his history class. She was sitting at her desk, the sunlight playing in her hair and he noticed something. His best friend, now full of piercings and attitude, was gorgeous. It hit him like a brick, and then like a truck when she looked his way. She had slapped him when he kissed her the first time, hard in fact, so hard that he still remembered the sting that burned all the way from his neck to his eye. He dated a bit in the years that followed, tried to get over it, but he could never get her out of his head, besides which they were friends. She was always there, looking so beautiful and staying so different than the others. Then things slowly started to fall into place for them, very slowly, five years of slowly. There were wrenches sure, Shiho for one. She'd been quite a large wrench too, not as large as she'd been with him and Mai, but a problem still. Natsuki had dealt with Shiho so differently than Mai. Natsuki dealt with everyone differently than Mai.

They were inversions of each other in that respect. Where Mai was friendly to a fault, to the point where someone had to go out of their way to prove themselves unworthy of such kindness, Natsuki was standoffish to a fault, to the point where someone had to go out of their way to prove themselves trustworthy. Mai had tolerated Shiho's possessiveness of him, Natsuki hadn't…ever. Then there was the much smaller wrench of Takeda and the continuously growing wrench of the tattoos and piercings. They were taking over her body. They scared his mother, though in fairness his mother had never liked her for reasons that were beyond him. His feelings about the body modifications were much more simple. He thought that covering skin like hers was a shame. He would never tell her that, but she knew anyway. She could tell, which he felt bad about. All of that aside, they'd always found their way through it.

_Natsuki_ …theirs was not the relationship he had pictured when he first started to settle into the idea of having one in the first place. It was not home-cooked meals, and noisy sex, and the comfort of her presence. There was her nice smelling hair, her softness, that she was so damn beautiful, and that as much as she tried to pretend she wasn't, Natsuki was a very thoughtful person once you won her over. More than that though, there was the undeniable fact that they liked each other as people. They cared about one another. She never drew the line, the one divided men from women emotionally. Her expectations for him were because he was a person, only because he was a person…just loyalty, respect, and never that he would treat her like a princess or pay for things or take care of her. He loved that about her, but they were not affectionate with each other in the traditional sense. She patted his back, squeezed his arm, kissed him with an embarrassed quickness, reassured him in ways that he felt were almost confusingly friendly. She would startle or occasionally glare when he looked at her naked, had a seemingly inexhaustible reservoir of shyness. Unusual for a girl with tattoos and piercings he thought, even more unusual for a girl with such a varied and extensive collection of lingerie.

He tolerated the shyness, was compassionate about it to a point. He had his own insecurities and hers nurtured his. He started to hurt over it, quietly and only every once in a while. The affection in her unique eyes, in her smile, helped but were confusing as well… because she loved him, but sometimes didn't seem to be in love with him. It was harder to explain than that, she couldn't let him really have her. There were moments though that gave him hope when she momentarily forgot her self-consciousness and those moments, every single one of them still amazed him. It was the way she would hold his head to her chest in the rarest exchanges between them when he could hear her heart racing because it was proof that he affected her, at least in some minor way. The longer they were together, the more it bothered him, the rareness of these moments. He didn't know if it was because she was shy or because she really didn't want him with the same strength he wanted her, that she never would. It was a nagging fear and she would not live with him. It was school she'd said, always too busy. He fingered the ring in his pocket, the one that belonged to his grandmother, the one he kept on him at all times now because some part of Tate believed if it was exactly the right time Natsuki would say 'yes' and he wanted to be ready. She said 'no' the first time, but things would change for them, he was sure of it, that's what marriage did. He was sure that if they got married she would finally let him take care of her once in a while even if she didn't expect it, provide for her in some way. For as long as he'd known her, Natsuki had needed no one and still needed no one. Everyone needed someone, didn't they? And he needed her. All this was her way, he rationalized. The girl had always been difficult to figure out. Why would she stay with him for so long if she didn't love him if there wasn't something there? One thing she'd always needed was lots of time and he was not a quitter, and he cared, so he stayed.

"Alright, who's hungry?" He watched Mai pulling some bags out of her car and jogged over to help her with them. "Oh, thanks." She startled as he took them from her, not because she was surprised, but because it was him. She always startled when it was him, was different in a way he couldn't pinpoint.

"Yeah, no problem." He answered.

There was something about the redhead that crawled under his skin and made a home there since the first time they'd met. A sort of angry tickle that wouldn't go away no matter how hard he pushed at it. Sometimes it felt like every word they spoke to each other was sarcastic, or misplaced, or so awkward that it was barely worth speaking and then other times it was like they spoke a language only the two of them understood. It was that part that led to their tumultuous and very short-lived relationship when they were both sixteen. They had even argued over who was dumping who when they ended it after just six months. They did not get along, and they got along well, they could barely stand each other, and yet they were friends. They walked toward the house a set distance away, their special brand of tension like an invisible wall between them.

**Aside #1: Non-Profits and a Brief History of Fuuka Hospital** _(Background)_

Fuuka Hospital was small but well-positioned in a wealthy section of the country. It was built by a Catholic Parish in the early part of the 1930s and staffed for several decades largely by nuns. The convent was still nearby. The hospital's handsome, gothic facade looked out of place among the other architecture of the region. The steepled points of the attached chapel, jutted out from the valley in which it was situated like a pair of wolf's ears. Unfortunately, due to a lack of sufficient donations, the building fell into disrepair and by the 1980s was nearly unusable. Shortly after, it fell into the hands of First District Healthcare's Community Rehabilitation Project. In an effort to 'preserve the historical appeal' of the building, the company hired a rather eccentric young architect with a grand plan to create a 'building within a building'. The restoration was funded out of the seemingly bottomless pockets of First District Healthcare's philanthropic affiliates. As a result, the gleaming glass and steel so very typical of hospitals were revealed to be a shell when one stepped through the energy-efficient revolving doors. The imposing stone of the old Fuuka Hospital was assimilated within the new design like some display in a museum. The uniqueness made the building something of a novelty and the project was, by all accounts a success. Due to regional demographics, Fuuka's clientele was largely upper echelon. As such the administration handpicked their staff from an overwhelming pool of applicants, most of whom's Curriculum Vitae saw nothing but the front end of a shredder. It took connections to secure a position, charm perhaps, but connections were better.

First District was an integrated healthcare system servicing the whole of Japan, or at least was established as such. Its connection to SEARRS was well buried in legalese and layered subdivisions. The company began buying up small, run-down hospitals in Japan some 30 years ago. Both First District Healthcare and the Community Rehabilitation Project were the brainchild of then up and coming Edward Searrs, a fresh 21 at the time and looking to make an impact on the family business. All the hospitals purchased by CommRehab, as it was referred to within the corporate offices, had been converted into state of the art facilities with a strong focus on medical research. SEARRS' partnership with Iwasaka Pharmaceutical ensured profit and was in point of fact the true reason behind the creation of First District Healthcare at all. The majority of Fuuka's research studies were funded by grants from Iwasaka, whose pharmaceuticals were tested during the clinical trials. The chemistry labs, the ready pool of potential research study participants…it made the venture worth the price of maintaining First District's non-profit status.

Non-profit was an interesting business model in itself as no business could ever truly survive such a thing. Non-profit had to be profit shifted, reallocated, redirected. The books were non-profit. They funneled their finances back into research, into pharmaceuticals. As such, nearly any higher-ranking physician within the First District system was connected to the research aspect of their hospital in some way. It was either through their own pet projects, sanctioned of course by the overseers from Smith Consulting, or by running research studies with the hospital. The combination of SEARRS' financial support and a stellar marketing team, made putting the proper spin on their enterprise relatively simple. Outreach and intelligent advertising painted a portrait of a company that genuinely cared about bettering the community, rather than the real version where access to quality healthcare was a convenient side effect of smart business. SEARRS had even sporadically lent their name to donated or renovated patient buildings within the system and so the entire operation appeared the very picture of a philanthropic big business.


	2. Red Wine, Haruka, and Gauderobe

**Narrative #2: Red Wine and Vanilla  
** **Date: August 23, 2013 ... a Friday**

I found myself stifling a yawn. An unusual occurrence, especially in public, but I had been unable to sleep soundly last night, woken by dreams I did not remember but left me flushed and disoriented. I tried not to be too embarrassed by my own crudeness.

The woman beside me had seen and violet-blue eyes filled with annoyance. I stopped myself from remarking upon the wrinkle it caused between her eyebrows. "How are you tired, Fujino? All you do is walk around all day _'checking'_ on your residents. Some of us actually have to work."

I was not sure whether I understood the emphasis of the word...if she meant to imply that I was shirking my responsibilities or questioning my professionalism. I would have been offended by neither as I expected such criticisms from her, but was merely curious as to which she had intended. Haruka was on her third beer, but I knew she would be able to handle at least two more before any of her faculties started to deteriorate. Her mouth was an entirely different matter. We had been roommates in Medical School and in her mind, rivals since the moment we'd met. I did not particularly care which one of us was on top so to speak, but it brought me some pleasure to egg her on in the imaginary war between us.

"You are a much better fit for the position Haruka. They must have realized how much you can handle and so kept you in your current position to maintain your presence on the floor." I often wondered if she honestly failed to see through the waste that came out of my mouth or chose to ignore it. Reito was thankfully able to keep a straight face this time.

"Don't try to plicate me, bubuzuke."

"I would not dream of it," I said, smiling to myself. I had never corrected her rather infamous errors in speech. Instead, I let myself enjoy the mental images her malapropisms created, each one unexpected and delightful. It was an acceptable substitute for the innuendo-laced teases that were so often a part of my other friendships. She would have none of it and quite honestly, I did not want to.

"How are your Residents this year Shizuru?" Reito asked, lifting his bourbon, large ice cube clinking.

A small smile crossed both our lips as Haruka grumbled out a response. "They're falling all over themselves like idiots around her already." I ignored the comment.

"They seem quite capable. And yours?" I asked before I sipped my wine.

He was a handsome man and I could honestly say I took pleasure in his company. A trauma fellow when we did our internship, he had since moved up to attending. Both he and my former roommate knew quite clearly where my preferences fell. Reito and I had never spoken outright of the possibility that hovered between us and the reasons against it, but he had understood. We were very much the same in that respect, spoke with the same type of subtleties and euphemisms. However, there were rumors circulating about the two of us that I liked fueling. I enjoyed the ambiguity that it bred, the freeness of behavior that it afforded me.

"Promising, some more than others of course." He waited a moment, looking pensive. "Though my new Fellow…"

"The outside hire?" She asked. "I heard a few of the fifth years complaining about that, not that I blame them."

He gave a sympathetic nod. "Apparently she came quite highly recommended off her residency. The decision did not involve me, some sort of family history with the institution."

"She?" I watched the woman to my left react with shock. There were few female orthopedic surgeons, most especially in trauma. Having rotated through myself, it was apparent that it was still very much a man's world, all hammers and drills, and screws, and ego.

"Yes." He stared across the bar at the lines of bottles and glasses. "She was, and continues to be quite the surprise." I wondered what he meant by that, though I left it alone assuming that Haruka would not.

She rolled her eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Listen Docs," Our usual bartender leaned over the wooden counter interrupting us. Her short red hair flopped in front of her light green, cat-like eyes. She had a voice that dripped with poor intentions and eyes that matched. Understandably, I liked her, though I could not be certain the feeling was mutual. Reito and I seemed to infuriate her with our slow enjoyment of whatever she served us. Haruka was always at least three in before I even started my second, if I did at all. We'd been coming to this place for years now and she'd been here for nearly a year herself. _Element_ was the bar of choice for many a Fuuka Hospital employee. "Enough talking about work, it's boring."

"How are you this evening Nao-san?" Reito asked, taking another slow sip, coming close to but not quite finishing his drink.

She glared at him almost playfully. "I'd be better if you two lightweights stopped taking up my prime spots." I smiled in spite of myself.

Nao-han threw a bar towel over her shoulder, glancing over at the only one of us making any progress. "What about you blondie? Ready for another?" Haruka slid her empty glass toward the smirking woman. The slim young bartender was quick in handing over a freshly poured ale with a rather suggestive wink. It was with no small amount of enjoyment, that I watched my friend's lip curl in irritation.

"Wrong tree." Haruka snapped, throwing her thumb in my direction. "Try her."

I felt my smile fix itself against sudden memories. To say that she had reacted badly upon walking in on me and another girl back in college, would have been putting it mildly. I believed the things she said to me that night only because I had felt them churning inside me long before they were spoken and yet hearing them stripped of any pretense, bared and sharpened, it affected me deeply. I'd never openly admitted that to her, nor would I ever. Despite the truth of it, at the time I had been angry with her. I suppose it was more about having her finger thrust in my face, but anger was an emotion I preferred to leave alone. It must have been my particular chemistry that allowed such feelings to concentrate into cruel indifference with upsetting efficiency. She had apologized in her own way, which was aggressive and admitted no fault, but time more than anything had healed us. Healed may have been a tad optimistic… made us civil was perhaps a more accurate description, but we settled back into the pseudo-friendship that dare not speak its name. This was a line of thinking I did not care to follow, not when I should be thoroughly enjoying my wine. Even so, that last comment was not very nice.

"Too vanilla. I need someone a little rougher around the edges." That was unexpected but fascinating. Not only had I been dismissed, but it seemed from that earlier wink, our bartender thought my short-tempered friend would be a more adventurous sexual partner. Perception was such a unique thing.

"It appears you're too wholesome for our bartender, Shizuru," Reito commented, amusement seeping into his tone, making it apparent what he thought of that assertion. Some sort of snorting sound escaped from Haruka and I frowned exaggeratedly only because I knew it would frustrate her further.

"How disappointing," I said ruefully. It took me a moment to realize Nao-han was staring at me with a look of surprise and something else, speculation maybe? I met her eyes steadily and brought my wine glass to my lips. She looked back, eyebrow raised, and then her gaze dropped to my chest, raking over me before she ducked down to the other end of the bar.

"What did you do to her?"

I turned to give my friend an innocent look. "Hmm?"

"Don't 'hmm' me. Cut it out!"

"I am afraid I do not know what you mean." I maintained the mildly alarmed look on my face. I wanted to hear her describe what she thought I did. I imagined it would be quite humorous.

"That alfalfa dog, 'look deep into my eyes and submit' stare you do, " _Alfalfa dog? Submit?_ "It's indecent." _Is it?_ I was not the one staring at another woman's chest, but I did not think getting into that with her was truly worthwhile.

"For Haruka's sake, I will try my best to restrain myself." I caught the almost imperceptible smirk that found its way onto the face of the man next to me.

"Like you could." She muttered.

I did not respond, instead, I took another sip of the red wine, its deliciously complex flavor tickling my tongue. Perhaps I would allow myself another glass tonight. I let my gaze wander about the bar, looking for Nao-han. She was still at the other end, bent over the counter, chin on her palm. My breath stopped for a second as I recognized the watch on the hand of the woman she was talking to. I could not hear what they were saying, but the redhead was laughing, touching the arm of the raven-haired girl that had sped my heart on the bus only a day ago. She was sitting, hunched over her stool still in that same blue jacket, long hair falling loose and impossibly neat around her, as beautiful as I remembered. I watched as the bartender jumped up a bit to grab at the zipper of the coat, attempting to pull it down, while she flailed, slapping at the hands angrily. Did they know each other? Or perhaps Nao-han was just that forward…

A fist met my arm with more force than necessary and it occurred to me that Haruka might be falling past tipsy. "Hey bubuzuke, I was kidding. Don't be so sensitive." I realized I had let my face slip completely and I quickly set it right. How careless of me.

Gracefully, Reito stood up and slid his glass over to the center of the wooden tabletop with a generous tip. "Ladies."

"Where are you sneaking off to so early?" The redhead called as she slithered back over. The girl being harassed only moments before stared at Reito from across the way for just a moment before quickly turning her face to the side, the most adorable blush on her cheeks. My throat was suddenly dry and warmth fanned across my skin. "Don't make me tie you to that stool Doc." She smiled wryly. The curve of her lips led me to believe it would not have been her first time doing such a thing.

"A tempting offer, but I'm afraid I must be heading home."

A hand rested on her hip as she eyed him openly. "I'll see you next week, 'one drink'."

"Goodnight Nao-san, Haruka." He nodded to each of them, and then paused in front of me, taking my hand in his, "Shizuru." His dark eyes met mine and I let my face relax into an expression of demure enjoyment as he bowed lightly.

I could feel the building fire beside me, nearly ready to explode at such a display. Idly I wondered if Reito enjoyed tormenting our blonde friend as much as I did. I watched as he left, breathtaking emerald-colored eyes following his path to the door subtly as though she might be concerned he would notice her. Was it possible she knew Reito as well? I was inwardly startled as a hand moved in front of me, dancing fingers pulling away my empty glass. Those same fingers nudged a piece of full stemware in front of my folded hands.

"You wanted this, right?" I looked up to see a curious sparkle before her gaze darted down to the balloon glass.

"I did. Ookini." I answered softly, touching the smooth surface with my fingertips, spreading them to cup it gently as if I were going to lift it. She smirked at me and moved over to the back corner of the bar where I noticed the last spot was now empty. The dark-haired woman was gone and I felt strangely disappointed.

**Digression #2: Suzushiro Haruka**  
**Date: October 14, 2005… a Friday** _  
_

Suzushiro Haruka lived by a strict code. She felt it was her duty to stand as a pillar, no not just a pillar, an enforcer of morality. She had always believed that it was a person's duty to conduct their lives with strength, guts, and forthrightness. It was not until she was twenty-three years old that she found her foil in one Fujino Shizuru. The woman was beautiful, ostensibly well-mannered, and seemed to succeed without doing… well, anything. The ease with which she floated through life, without strife or perseverance, drove the blonde woman to distraction while they roomed together in an apartment two blocks away from the medical school they both attended.

On top of that, the rule-obsessed Haruka found her to be an intolerable flirt. Not only did she effortlessly breeze through school, but people fell all over themselves just to be near her. That charming Kyoto-ben, as if she were just some innocent country girl and that stupidly happy smile, it was one of the most grotesque displays the young woman had ever seen. She decided that she would push herself harder than she ever had before, she would beat the woman at… something. It really did not matter to her what it was, but that girl needed to be beaten, to be knocked down a peg. As if such offenses weren't enough to wear her patience paper-thin, the woman kept tricking her into doing things for her. It was infuriating to the point of madness. Yet she stayed around, sought her out to speak to, to eat with because a part of her thrived on the rivalry, was thankful for the constant push. That was until 'it' happened. The night she preferred never to remember but came to her at the strangest of times, the worst of times, the times she least wanted it to, throwing her back into that stupefying labyrinth of repressed emotion.

She'd come home early, appalled at the lack of focus in her study group, to find the woman kissing another woman. It was some freshman and it was not on the cheek, or even on the lips, but on the neck. She'd seen the tip of a tongue for god sakes, both of their bodies tangled on the couch. Whoever she was had her head back; face a mask of guiltless pleasure, her clothes in a state of shameful dishevelment. To her horror, her roommate had not a stitch of clothing covering her top half. The image burned itself into her and she found it sucked the air from her lungs, made her temples pound, her mouth dry. Her nerves fired confusedly, sending mismatched signals, prompting unthinkable responses, all of it fueling the fury she felt. Haruka had stood as a statue, facing away, while the girl scrambled to leave... while that woman, the devil of a person, coolly moved about, slipping a robe on as if nothing were happening. The righteous anger was without measure.

Words she didn't even remember anymore flew at her roommate, about morality, about such displays, about just the idea of two women together… _like that_. It was all she could do. She'd hated her for scorching that picture into her mind, for the permanent reminder that such a thing was possible. That damn woman had remained there, silent and wrapped in a robe that was too tight. Unsettling red-brown eyes had fixed on her, expressionless and unmoved as she raged and howled. Haruka had seen no shame in her, no remorse, no anything, and it had deepened the upset. It was one thing to think of it, everyone occasionally thought those sorts of things, but people had a duty to show restraint, to show some strength in the face of so questionable a temptation. It was a cross to bear, not a choice, it could never a choice. Without a word, Shizuru had walked past her as though her voice meant nothing, as though she meant nothing. From the sound of it, she was making tea in the kitchen and that response had dumbfounded her. The blonde had packed her things and shakily taken the train to the University two towns over, where her closest friend roomed.

"So your new roommate is the problem?" Her childhood friend had asked politely. Haruka was holding her feet, cross-legged to stay the ire that coursed through her unappeased.

"She's awful."

"Awful?"

"She's a complete idiot."

"It surprises me she'd have gotten into the college then." The note of skepticism in her tone was not atypical in their conversations. Yukino was the only one who corrected her errors and though it embarrassed her and she pretended as though she'd never made the misstep in the first place, she did not repeat her mistakes. Throughout grade school, when she struggled because the beginning and the ends of words were all she could retain when anything too similar outright refused to stick in her brain properly, Yukino was there to point it out. Yukino was the most reasonable and most intelligent person she'd ever met.

"And lazy. I end up doing all the cleaning. She even made me move our furniture."

"How did she make you?" The brunette stared at her friend's arms rather obviously. It was difficult for her to imagine anyone _making_ the blonde do anything.

"Well, I had to show her what I meant about using the space well." She grumbled, tossing her hands in the air, then folding them over her chest.

Glasses were pushed up higher on her nose. "I see."

"She's not right with people either."

The slight woman put down the cup she had been drinking from. "What do you mean?"

Violet-blue eyes turned away uncomfortably, nearly mumbling. "With… other girls."

Hazel eyes looked troubled by the pronouncement and Haruka began to feel some sense of vindication. It was a troubling situation after all. "Oh." The blonde wondered whether or not to tell her friend everything that happened, but she would have to risk feeling it over again. "Are you going to look for another roommate?"

"No!" She answered. "I won't give her the saturation."

"I think you mean satisfaction Haruka-chan." The other woman whispered, looking unwell.

"That's what I said." She answered in typical form, still embarrassed by the 'chan' even though it had been there for years now. "I gave her a piece of my mind though."

"You spoke with her about it?"

"Of course I did! That type of behavior is shameful."

The young brunette was staring at her with a bizarre, gutted expression that made her uneasy. "What did she say?"

"Nothing. She didn't even defend herself. Not that you can defend _that._ " She spat, eyeing the girl across the way. Her friend looked, nauseous maybe. Not a surprising reaction, she herself had felt the same way. "Yukino, are you sick?" There was no response. "Yuu-kiin-no!"

The woman seemed visibly shaken. "I'm sorry, but I have a lot of studying to do Haruka. My classes are difficult this semester."

"You're asking me to leave?" She said, voice rising in shock and no '-chan'.

A head turning to the side was her only answer, but not before something flickered in those hazel eyes, something that terrified her. Haruka was not stupid, but she was stubborn and so it was through sheer force of will that she was able to banish the half-formed realization that came at that moment. She fought it as if it had threatened her entire existence. Things could… no… would continue as they were. It changed nothing, she wouldn't let it. Something like that, her friend was wrong. Yukino was mistaken, she didn't, couldn't want that, not from her. It just needed to be ignored, ignored, and then it would go away.

Two months would pass before they saw each other face to face again, before the excuses and the avoidance became too much for the headstrong blonde to tolerate. In the meantime, she was annoyed to find that woman still in their apartment when she returned home. There she sat, tea resting on an open palm, with that infuriating expression of calm, but those eyes were different. They were darker. A twinge of something that felt a little like sadness hit her, maybe it was guilt. What she had to feel guilty over though she didn't know or maybe she did. The image of her friend's eyes always hidden behind glasses, always with her hair a bit messy… no, she wouldn't feel guilty. She was right in this, then why? Why did she feel as though she'd crossed some line, taken something too far? She sighed with frustration as she stared at the woman she wished was someone else.

"Shizuru," She began, using the first name she seldom spoke, the floor between them seeming wider somehow. "About what I said… it was harsh.". Haruka would not say 'wrong', she wasn't wrong, it was wrong, Shizuru was wrong and these words, they were for Yukino. The woman had said nothing to her in response. It had never again been spoken of.

**Aside #2: Gauderobe Medical School**

One of the Premier Medical Schools in Japan was unique, in that it was perhaps the only all girl's medical school in the country for most of its hallowed history. In recent years, the tide of social politics had forced change under the banner of equality. The now co-ed University held a still rather unimpressive ratio of women to men…10:1. When Shizuru and Haruka attended it had been an even starker 20:1. The University had such difficulty finding male applicants that the administration had created a committee dedicated to that very purpose. Often the male students had to be recruited to the school through grants or scholarships. Even now there persisted a dissatisfaction with the male presence, unspoken but almost tangible in its strength.

Gender equality aside, the institution had an exceptional reputation for producing some of the most brilliant and prodigious doctors in the county. This had, of course, not gone unnoticed by First District Healthcare. They were quick to offer contractual affiliations between their flagship hospitals and the school. The students would, after all, need a place to train. Another less savory and less welcome reputation did exist regarding not so much the goings-on inside the school, but rather the activities within its dorms. One of the aforementioned women had been unaware of this secondary reputation, the other had contributed to it. It was a reputation not uncommon among all-girl schools of any kind, but one that was looked down on or ignored by the majority of staff and student body. In general, it was not something they wished to be associated with or labeled as, even if they occasionally took part in it. As long as it was just curiosity, just a night, just a kiss, just an experiment, just one too many drinks, just an underclassman's crush, as long as it could be explained away… well…it didn't really count. That was understood.


	3. Ice Princess, Alyssa, and Family Tree

**Narrative #3: The Beast and the Ice Princess  
** **Date: August 28, 2013 … a Wednesday**

The sun was peaking through clouds that had been relentless the past week or so. It would be nice to feel some sunshine and so I decided I would take a walk during my lunch hour. Sitting in my office tended to become a bit boring but there was a significant amount of paperwork…contracts, agreements, and releases associated with setting up the research studies. I had three patients to visit within the hospital this afternoon who had been identified as possible participants. The small number was welcome as it would mean that I'd have time to visit with the Residents this afternoon. As I hung my suit jacket on the back of my office door, my thoughts drifted to the same place they had been frequenting. I let them carry me all the way to the large atrium that stood at the entrance to the hospital. The dark-haired woman...I had not seen her in five days. I suppose I was keeping track then. I hadn't returned to the bar or the administrative office; though from her outfit it seemed unlucky she actually worked there. The possibility loomed that I would never see her again, why that thought caused me any distress I did not know.

"Fujino!" A loud voice grabbed my attention as I reached the automatic doors.

"Haruka." I smiled politely. Her gaze dropped to the lilac blouse and gray slacks I was wearing.

"Hiding in your office again?" She was dressed in scrubs, a mask still dangling from her neck. I never felt the need to justify what I did with my time, a smile was all the answer I ever gave her. "Are you going to lunch?"

"I thought I would take a walk to that shop around the corner."

"Where's Kanzaki, then?"

"I have not seen him all day, unfortunately." I knew she was making reference to his boyish infatuation with the cute woman who owned the business and had graciously employed his younger sister. Mikoto's working there was what had led us to discover the shop in the first place. We nearly always went together and I did love watching him quietly prepare himself as we made our way over, building up his charm until it nearly oozed over the counter at the shopkeeper. "He must be quite busy today."

"I'll come." She responded as if I'd asked, tossing her mask into the nearby trash after violently ripping it from her neck. I felt my eyebrows lift and she glared at me, presumably for my lack of response.

"That would be delightful Haruka." I gave her my most insufferable look of happiness, which led to a deepened frown.

We progressed down the sidewalk and she carried on the entire way. I nodded here and there, letting my face fall into its usual calm arrangement. It allowed me to think on whatever my mind produced undisturbed, while her rants carrying themselves across a wide variety of subjects. On the surface, it was difficult for me to understand why we'd maintained our 'friendship', as we were very different animals. I had experienced similar thoughts watching her marry that saint of a man she'd found three years ago. We had so little in common, at times it became glaringly obvious how monumental a challenge it was to find the threads that tied us together.

Underneath it all, she was genuinely a good person I thought, a woman steered by some unshakable notion of right and wrong. She was much more principled than I was in the traditional sense, even if at times she was rash or misguided. Much like a rhinoceros or some other boisterous yet noble creature. Haruka was a battering ram crafted out of conventional morality and brute force. I thought of her almost as my conscience, because her black and white view of the world forced me to confront the unpleasant realities of who I allowed myself to be, both past and present. Her existence was a constant question whispered in my ear, a wall that I kept running headlong into. She was completely unaware that I had such thoughts about her and I intended to keep it that way. Again I seemed to be carelessly veering toward bitter thoughts…

I could see why my nature aggravated her so intensely. I was her opposite. It never really seemed like I had to try and my desires were much more my compass. I had been described as cold, cunning even by those that saw me in unguarded moments. I would not say that I was boisterous or noble or overly moral…I did not know how I would describe myself. It was not something I gave much thought to, but I was certain that there were few terms to be shared between us. The only animals that were ever described using similar adjectives to those that had been applied to me, were considered to be of a darker constitution. _Every person is an animal Shizuru. There are always teeth behind a smile._ The words, spoken to me long ago, echoed in my mind, but the next bit of her conversation happily managed to catch my full attention.

"…met that new Trauma Fellow!" I noticed the snarl on her face. Apparently, she had not taken much of a liking to her. This in itself was not unusual, as Haruka rarely took a liking to anyone.

"Did you?"

"I don't know how Kanzaki deals with her!" She threw out her hands in one of the exaggerated gestures I'd come to expect during our talks as if she were a politician making a speech.

I suppose a bit of distracting gossip would not hurt anything. "Ara, can it be that bad?"

"She's a beast!" What a coincidence she would choose a word so reminiscent of my earlier thoughts. "She's already got herself a nickname. The Residents are calling her the 'ice princess'."

I was surprised. _Ice princess?_ I was not certain I liked the idea that it had already gone so far as secret nicknames. I found myself hoping to meet her at some point and assess the situation myself. I had a sort of inexplicable fondness for difficult people. "What is it that makes her so 'beastly'?"

"She's just rude. She barely talks and when she does, it's like she's barking at you." Barking and beast? As if the woman were a dog, an unfriendly one at that.

"Perhaps she is shy?" I suggested gently. _Nothing more than a puppy in need of taming?_ "She has not been here that…"

"Fujino, you haven't even met the woman! You go too easy on people, that's your problem!" She waved her hand dismissively at me. "She just thinks she's better than everyone else, a big chunk on her shoulder, you know what I mean."

"Mm." I smiled, looking straight ahead. Thankfully, something distracted her. Pulling the phone from her pocket, I watched in fascination as she slowed her pace, cheeks turning a light pink while her eyes widened considerably. I did not think I'd ever seen such an expression on her before.

"I have to go. I have work to do."

"I would not want to keep Haruka from such undoubtedly important tasks," I answered lightly, as though unconcerned. She nodded and left with noticeable speed, in the direction from which we'd come. _Interesting._ I tried to imagine what type of thing could cause such a reaction in her. It was an impossible task, but a suitable way to occupy myself. Truthfully, I did not mind taking the rest of the trip on my own. It was not long after she left before I reached the shop and was nearly bowled over by the slight, dark-haired girl who came tearing through the door.

"Ara ara, Mikoto! Excited today?" I laughed gently.

"Sorry, sorry!" I heard Mai-han shout from inside. "Mikoto be careful." She said in the motherly tone she always used when addressing Reito's sister.

The thin, braided girl instantly pouted and scrambled to open the glass door for me. Yellow-brown eyes turned up as the apron that hung loosely from her neck flapped in the breeze. "Sorry, Fujino-sensei! I thought you were someone else." She peered around me. "Where's my brother?"

I made a disappointed face, noticing happily that the shop owner had much the same expression on hers. "Reito, unfortunately, is caught up at work, but I will let him know you said 'hello'."

"If he's working so hard, you should bring him back some of Mai's soup. I helped today!"

I smiled, tapping her nose. "I will have to have some too then." She grabbed my hand and dragged me inside the store with an enthusiastic nod. The girl all but scurried behind the register, grabbing a box that looked far too heavy for her small frame and hauled it into the back.

"Hiya Shizuru-san!" It had taken over a year to get the shopkeeper to call me by my first name, but it seemed silly to be so formal with one another after so much time had passed. "Sorry about that! We're waiting for someone." She laughed, eyes closed, hand in her orange-red hair. "I just finished the bento boxes if you want one."

"Ookini, I will take whichever one Mai-han thinks is the best and some of the soup Mikoto helped with if it's not too much trouble."

"No problem!" She commented, wrapping a few small sweets up. She always tucked a few into our orders. Reito had a rather notorious sweet tooth. It was fortunate we had such good food so close. Her meals were very nearly legendary around the hospital. "It's nice to finally have some sun again."

"Yes, it has been rather dark lately." I agreed as she handed me the packed items. Perhaps then the weather could be blamed, the grayness and the moisture drawing out my unwelcome, unusually negative musings.

"NATSUKI!" A dark blur all but flew over the counter, leaping like a cat toward the door and dove on top of whoever had just walked in.

"Mikoto!" Mai nearly whined as she rushed over. The whole scene was fairly amusing. "Please let her go!"

"Ooph, oi!" My lips parted the smallest amount as I took in the eyes that refused to leave my mind for a full week now. The woman being squeezed slipped the other off her like a towel. "Hey Mai." The deep voice surprised me, as did the small shiver that ran up my spine. My body's response to her was honestly absurd. _Natsuki._

"Hi! Oh my gosh, I still can't used to you being back!" The first smile I had seen on the woman passed over perfectly formed lips as they hugged. It was small, unlike her friend's, but nonetheless made her face impossibly more attractive. It seemed she knew Mai-han as well. I had learned that the degrees of separation were shortened on a smaller island, that it was very much its own, significantly smaller world. It was never difficult to find someone who knew someone who you knew. Feeling very much like an intruder, I made my way past them, waving goodbye. "Have a good day and thanks!"

Three sets of eyes turned my way, and two hands waved goodbye. I tried to reign in my expression as I returned the gesture, keeping a smile on my face and my eyes shut.

"So businesslike now Natsuki, I don't even recognize you. Did you take out your nosering?"

"No." I heard her low voice trail off as I left, realizing I had been holding my breath. _A nosering?_ Lost in my thoughts, I nearly walked into a young blonde woman jogging toward the shop.

"Oops. Excuse me." She nimbly avoided me, hopping to the side, wide blue eyes taking me in. Her Japanese carried an accent I could not immediately place.

"Kanin-na," I said softly, using my most disarming tone. I could not recall the last time I had been so unaware of my own surroundings.

She stared at me and I turned my head slightly, unsure why she was looking at me that way and with a blush just starting to show. "Sorry I don't know that word. I'm still learning." She said nervously.

"It means the same as 'sorry'. It was very much my fault, I was distracted." She nodded at me, clearly translating what I'd said in her mind, a deeper red playing on her cheeks as our eyes met.

"Well," She seemed to be collecting herself "'Ka-nin-na' too, I shouldn't have been running." The accented attempt was quite endearing and I found myself smiling genuinely at her.

" _ **Alyssa!"**_ That voice again, I looked over to see her hanging out the door of the shop, hair falling around her, arms open and braced in the doorframe. _**"Mai made lunch!"**_ She said in subtly accented English, looking at me somewhat suspiciously.

" _ **Coming!"**_ With a quick nod, she walked off toward the building and I sighed at myself. Reluctantly I absolved the weather of all responsibility, my fascination with that woman was to blame. As I began to move, something caught my eye, a small moleskin notebook lying on the sidewalk. I knelt and picked it, wondering if the young woman had dropped it. Briefly, I considered going back into that shop, but I did not want to further disrupt their happy reunion. I would return it to Mai-han another day.

**Digression #3: Alyssa Searrs  
** **Date: September 3, 2013 ... a Tuesday**

"What do you want for dinner? Kuga's not here to harass us."

The young blonde girl twisted in her seat, staring into mischievous looking eyes. "Fries." She exclaimed.

"Just that?" Nao gave her a look.

"A cheeseburger."

"Better. We're sharing."

"Sure!" She smiled brightly at the woman. "Do you think they have mayo?"

"Yeah, use as much as you want. I could care less, just don't put it on my side. I don't know what Kuga's problem is."

Alyssa's older sister, more accurately half-sister, was what some would describe as an annoyingly healthy eater, at least most of the time. In her house, she kept no red meat, no poultry, no snacks or desserts. The majority of her home diet consisted of fish and raw foods. A pescatarian was the word, the girl had looked it up but wasn't sure if it applied to people who suspended that when they went out to dinner. In general, Natsuki treated her body as she treated her motorcycle; carefully selecting the type of things she would put in it, though she did seem to have something of a passion for fancy foods and chocolate. This had been the hardest adjustment for the younger girl when she moved in with her two months ago. Opening the fridge or the cupboard and seeing row upon row of gleaming fruits and veggies, raw nuts in the freezer, freshly caught fish wrapped in paper. It was… painful. There was not a single bag of crisps, not one fizzy-drink. Then there was the separate but equally upsetting issue of Salad Cream which they did not have in this country and so began her love affair with mayonnaise. Japanese mayonnaise was slightly different but still delicious. She had indulged in it nearly to the extent of considering it a food group, but her sister was put off by the smell, the appearance, the taste.

Natsuki had never actually forbidden her from eating anything she might want, nor would it be in the woman's nature to do so, but as is the way of things Alyssa had imagined that her sister might be disappointed in her. From those imaginings came feelings of guilt, and from the guilt came a story that was now gospel. This was how it happened that her sister became the food police, a culinary tyrant, without ever speaking a single word about it or having the slightest idea this had occurred at all.

Alyssa had found a co-conspirator in Nao, for nearly any activity that might require one. She'd started shipping some of her favorites to the woman's apartment, sneaking the first installment to her basement bedroom while Natsuki was working. She'd even bought herself a mini-fridge to keep her precious sugary drinks chilled. The girl was not one for overindulgence, but she liked to have her favorite treats available. It was like keeping a little piece of home with her.

"Maybe I'll get a coke too."

"Go crazy. The pup's turning into a nut job. I don't know how she drinks that green crap."

"She made me juice this morning, it wasn't too bad." Alyssa didn't mind the juicing. She liked the bright colors and sweet taste, she liked nearly all types of food. There were worse things than healthy eaters and her sister, weirdly enough, genuinely seemed to like her restrictive diet. "She wasn't always like that was she?"

"Hell no. She lived on junk food and smoked like a chimney back in high school. I don't know what changed."

Blue eyes widened in surprise, unable to picture it. "She smoked?"

Thin fingers drummed against the laminate tabletop. "Tate made her quit."

"How?"

"He stole the keys to her bike and Tokiha stopped making her food. The two of them were relentless. I've never seen Kuga so pissed." Thinking of Tate still made Alyssa a bit sad. He had been almost like an older brother to her and besides...he'd always been there, since she and Natsuki first met, he'd been there. Now he was just gone. Of course, she would never say anything to her sister about it. The woman seemed to have enough guilt to swallow her whole already.

"How come you never quit?"

The older woman grinned. "Do the opposite of everything I do and you'll turn out fine. Besides I would've killed them if they tried anything like that."

"I'm surprised she didn't." The blonde girl laughed.

"Don't let her fool you. Kuga's a big softie." She said in the disinterested tone she used when speaking about nearly everything, flicking her hand before draping both arms over the back of the bench where they were seated. "So show us the latest."

"Oh. Yeah." The girl fished in her bag for the large sketchbook she carried with her almost everywhere, handing it to the woman. Nao's eyes sparkled with unusual interest as they scanned the pages. The younger woman had always drawn in secret because her father didn't approve of such frivolous pastimes because she drew 'cartoons' he'd called them. Her father, the parent she shared with Natsuki, was a serious man and he expected Alyssa to be serious as well.

It wasn't much of a stretch, as she shared that particular trait with him, but hers manifested differently. Like her father, the blonde teenager was good with numbers, whip-smart, and overly analytical. When she was a child she loved when he involved her in the business, loved the suits and the rustle of papers, and her father who seemed so important. As she got older though, her feelings about business changed. The more she saw of it, the more it seemed like one giant competition where there were no winners, where the object was to crush your opponent, to dehumanize them. It seemed barbaric to her, like a carryover from ancient times. It wasn't to her taste. She yearned, needed to create something, anything that was her own, that brought beauty into the world. This was not a desire she could explain to him, she knew exactly what he would say about something so Bohemian. More than anything she wanted to feel like she did when she used to sing… for Miyu. The intensity with which she followed her artistic whims frightened some people, was beyond their understanding. She'd been called strange before and as she grew she came to realize her looks, her money, her family, they were the reasons no one bullied her, that they would have if she wasn't who she was. Alyssa was too passionate for a teenager, too focused, she should be thinking of smaller things, so she'd been told.

That was the reason she wanted to leave England in the first place. Her creativity was being stifled by tennis lessons, by the sons of her father's business partners, by the vapidity of her so-called 'friends'. Her father had allowed it, but only for a year. She was to study business in college, that was made very clear. Alyssa had agreed because she knew her father would not accept 'no' and because she didn't want to disappoint him, had signed the family contract he drew up. She was his heir and she would work in the family business. That much they both knew.

She'd phoned Natsuki a full year before she'd moved, stuttering out her feelings like she was confessing to some grave crime and the woman had agreed with surprising ease. Alyssa had always liked her beautiful sister and for all her scowling, the older girl had been good to her and so fun while doing her exchange program in England. They went so many places together and though they'd never spoken about it, Alyssa knew it was partly because Natsuki couldn't stand to be around her father or her mother. The older girl liked museums and Alyssa loved art and so they'd gone to quite a few of the more famous galleries. Her sister liked the quiet of them and she liked the art. Alyssa was still young then, only twelve when the woman had finished her schooling abroad and moved back to Japan.

They hadn't become really close until she was older until she started going to Japan for visits. She fell in love with the country, with the language Miyu had taught her bits of. She started studying it fervently, took lessons. The blonde had always loved languages, loved words, especially ones with high specificity… that referred to things so unique that providing a definition was difficult, that required experience to understand. She kept a small notebook of them. She'd lost it recently, which was heartbreaking, but she could start over.

Japan…it was fast motorcycle rides on her sister's Ducati and staying up late to watch scary movies and singing Karaoke in ridiculous costumes as if it were no big deal. It was 'reading' Takumi's manga, the unique art with its strange expressions and random drops of sweat and nosebleeds and jokes she didn't understand. Most important though, Japan was a sister who was already a woman, with her unapologetic aloofness, funny friends, apartment, and cute boyfriend all of which were hers and hers alone. She'd made her life, was someone totally outside of a family name. Natsuki was about the coolest thing her younger self had ever seen.

Since she moved, she'd found encouragement in her drawing for the first time from two very different people. One was Nao, maybe her favorite of her sister's little group and the other was her sweet, excitable art teacher. She hadn't shown them to Natsuki, because she didn't really know why… except she was afraid the woman would react as her father did.

"Is that you?" Nao asked, turning the book to see it better.

"Yeah."

Light green eyes met hers. "I thought you were supposed to be a villain. Why'd you make yourself a little kid?"

"Because no one would expect it."

Nao smirked. "Who's the girl?" The girl was actually a woman for whom she felt an immeasurable amount of love. It was the woman who had cared for her so well that her father and mother paled in comparison. She thought of Miyu even now, wondered after her, her second mom, the one that felt real… the one who broke her in two when she left, even if Alyssa had understood why. She thought of Miyu's brothers, the gardeners, who chased each other and played rough with her and treated her like she was a normal kid, swung her around by her arms so fast that she fell over when they set her down because the world had yet to stop spinning.

"She was my nanny. She'll be an android. See, her arm disconnects, and I'll add a few different auxiliary weapons that attach to it."

"Where do you come up with this sh…uh stuff?"

The young woman gave her a wry smile. "You can swear y'know. I'm seventeen, and you do it all the time, I think you already have a couple times today."

"Kuga's been up my ass not to."

The teenager smirked. "It's working, huh?"

"Don't start. Hmm, this one's new."

"Oh… yeah." She idly dipped a french fry in her beloved combination of mayonnaise and ketchup, embarrassed and red at the discovery.

Narrowed eyes rolled her way. "Explain."

"I saw her outside Mai's shop. She was just, I don't know, beautiful and her eyes are so unusual. I couldn't get them out of my…" Nao gave her the strangest look. "What?"

A mischievous grin stole the far corner of the older girl's mouth. "She's too old for you. Kuga would have a fit."

A bright blush covered the girl's face. "Nao!"

The woman shrugged. "I never pegged you for a skirt chaser."

A blonde head was buried in hands. "It's not like that! She has a unique aesthetic."

"That's a goddamn terrible pickup line." Nao plopped a french fry between her teeth, nipping it like a kitten, while the girl beside her sighed. Alyssa kept to herself that her first thought upon seeing those eyes was _'Venetian red' or 'crimson'?_ She'd since decided neither was right, a mixture of ' _scarlet'_ and _'raw umber'_ was the newest consideration or maybe ' _Tuscan red'_. More than she wanted to admit, they reminded her Miyu's eyes, even if they were a completely different shape. But that color was memories.

Something occurred to the girl as she tried to control her flaming face. From that picture, Nao couldn't know that the woman was older than her. "Wait, do you know her?"

With an indifferent shrug, the woman answered. "She comes to the bar."

"What's she like?"

An eyebrow lifted, completing the amused expression, as she reached for her half of the cheeseburger. "Is that important to her 'aesthetic'?"

"Yes and quit making fun." The girl said making a face that Nao insisted was a copy of one made by her sister.

The redhead thought for a moment as she chewed her food, quirking her lips to the side. "Hard to tell. She spends most of her time smiling like an idiot."

There was an obvious and pronounced frown on the young girl's face. "Oh."

"Why so disappointed?"

"She seemed… different."

"I said 'like' an idiot. Hell if I know what she's really like. She's hard to read."

Alyssa nodded, taking a meditative pause. "She's an enigma."

The older woman put down her sandwich, narrowing her eyes to study the blonde. "Sure, kid. Whatever you say."

Grabbing her own piece of the burger, the young woman smiled, dipping it in mayonnaise before taking a bite.

**Aside #3: The Kuga-Searrs Family Tree** _(Background)_

When he was twenty-three years old, Edward Searrs, an Englishmen of Japanese descent took a site visit to Iwasaka Pharmaceutical to meet the much talked about addition to their research team. Kuga Saeko was a lovely woman, even with her hair tied back unflatteringly and glasses that did not compliment the shape of her eyes. She was head of the HiME Project, something to do with a newly discovered genetic mutation. He had been briefed in language above his head, though he made a show of pretending to grasp it.

He was a severe and well-bred young man, with a deep voice that commanded attention. His speech was often short and to the point, which did little to improve his reputation for being far too serious and about as warm as an iceberg.

Saeko and Edward had no intention of marrying or rather Edward had no intention of marrying Saeko, not when he kissed her, and most certainly not when he slept with her. He was clear about that afterward. He respected her abilities, but that was it. The night was meant to be enjoyable. He had made, what was in his view, a very logical suggestion that she terminate the pregnancy when she had the audacity to call him. His logic was met with a dial tone. Edward had no intention of moving to Japan or being a father to the child of a woman he barely knew. He made this clear as well. He would send her money, of course, he did have a sense of honor, but he considered this to be her decision, and thus her problem. The important thing was that she not make trouble for him, that she keep herself quiet over it and so a lawyer was sent to remind her of the position in which she'd found herself. The researcher had no such intentions anyway. She made it easy for him to wipe his hands clean of the child he did not want.

Saeko delivered her baby and loved her dearly from the moment she first saw her. She continued her work for years while raising Natsuki as a single mother, taking the project to the point of production and subsequent testing of her HiME-based serum. The relationship between herself and Iwasaka slowly became contentious as they pushed for quicker and quicker results. Saeko's brain was picked dry by her apprentice and she was pushed out of the project. The accident that took her life occurred a few weeks later.

Around this time, the follies of his youth began to weigh on Edward. He began to think of the daughter he never knew and when news of Saeko's death reached him, of Natsuki's coma, he started to regret. He brought the girl to live with him after hiring someone to care for her until she recovered, gave her more than she'd ever had, but she ran away on three occasions, was unreceptive to him, and continued to be so. The child was unmanageable and he sent her back, had a guardian arranged to oversee the girl. She didn't have the sense to accept the more than adequate life he'd tried to give her. He sent her money as he had done with her mother because he was an honorable man. In truth though, the experience shook him, the look in her eyes, the pure anger, such a single-minded determination to hate him even with all that he'd done. Gifts were wasted, thrown away, or forgotten. Natsuki, he decided, was a lost cause and it would be best to start from scratch.

He wanted a child who looked at him with love and so it was that after three years of pleasurable searching he found the perfect wife… a waifish model, sixteen years his junior, who after eleven months of travel and leisure birthed him a gorgeous baby girl. The child, Alyssa, was perfect; a fair-skinned, blue-eyed, golden angel who barely looked Japanese. He hired the best, most devoted nanny he could find to care for the child while he and his wife continued the business of living. In a display of generosity and forgiveness, he even flew his ungrateful first daughter out to see the splendid child every now and then. They did seem to take to each other, even if his wife and the older girl did not.

He'd kept an eye on Natsuki, pulled strings for her without her knowing, allowed the relationship to grow between the sisters… even when the dark-haired girl began covering herself with those dreadful piercings and tattoos. It was for one reason; she was the product of Edward Searrs and Kuga Saeko. Certain traits were bound to be passed on. He wasn't surprised to find her both intelligent and doggedly independent. Such people, he knew, should be kept close.


	4. Summer Child, Yohko, and Orthopedics

**Narrative #4: Summer Child**   
**Date: September 26, 2013… a Thursday**

It was getting rather late and there were quite a few add-on cases. I was feeling a bit restless today and saw no reason to make the Residents stay so late all the time, despite Haruka's insistence that exhaustion built character. When the page from Reito came requesting my help for this case, I was more than happy to oblige. I'd discussed the potential complications with several of my Residents earlier in a roundtable discussion, as the patient was not in the best of health. I walked into the cool room, seeing one of my third years dutifully arranging the drips, having already done the pre-op.

"Shizuru, are you mine for this case?" I heard my friend's warm greeting as I entered, still in the process of tying my mask behind my head.

"Kanzaki-sensei, what an unexpected pleasure." I dripped a bit of tease into my voice.

Yohko gave us a look from off toward the computer. How unusual, all of us together again. A sense of nostalgia washed over me.

"Fujino-sensei!" The young Resident nearly fell off her stool as I came over. Her eyes twinkled at me and I laughed softly...such undeserved excitement.

I placed a hand on her shoulder gently. "Arika-han, you should head home I think. It is getting late and I trust you've done your best?"

"Yes, thank you sensei!" She bowed, a twinge of pink sneaking above her mask as she showed me all she had done already with obvious eagerness. She turned, looking up at me shyly as she took off her lead apron, handing it to me before she made her way out.

"Um, so I'll see you tomorrow?" I nodded. "Thank you again. Thank you, Kanzaki-sensei!"

She waved to me and to Reito, who nodded. _What an adorable girl._ She was quite possibly my favorite among the Residents. I found it gratifying to see that she'd taken one of the new crop, Erstin-han, under her wing so to speak. It was rather sweet when the residents took an active interest in mentoring those in the years below them. In any case, I was pleased that it was not Tomoe-han running the room. She was impossible to dismiss, always insisting on staying and watching me with an intensity that had grown exponentially between her first and fourth year. I'd started purposely avoiding her as much as I could while still fulfilling my professional duties.

"I'm guessing the great Fujino-sensei is all ours tonight, then?" The brunette nurse said, a rather distinctive look in her eye as she walked toward me, then past me to the supply closet. As she approached, my mind flickered back to the hours following a particular Christmas party when we both had a bit too much to drink, when she walked toward me in a similar fashion wearing much less.

"And the famous Yohko-han is our circulator," I responded, keeping my tone even but I could feel the smile in my eyes.

I had attempted before to figure out what it was that lent her the power to cleave my control in two on the sporadic nights we'd spent together. It seemed effortless for her, the ability to make me feel as though I'd forgotten how my own body worked. I'd come to believe it was that she did not care what nearly anyone thought of her or anything she might desire, including me. This was not something I was used to, but it was truly refreshing. It could also be that she was a collection of firsts for me, the first woman, rather than girl, I'd ever been with, the only woman older than I was, and the first that was physically stronger. Lastly and perhaps most profoundly, she was the only woman I'd ever met who could be so wildly passionate without attaching. I could hear her voice in my head as I thought these things…from a time I foolishly let myself slip, had been caught staring at her too openly and for far too long merely attempting to unravel her uniqueness.

 _You're not falling in love with me, are you?_ It was a joke, but no, I was not. _I know better_ , I had said.

The door flew open with a snap and gruff words in a voice I immediately recognized interrupted my thoughts.

"Kanzaki-Sensei!" We just kept running into one another.

He turned, startled, looking at the newest addition to our room. The woman stood, her back to me, damp hands held rigidly in the air. A lead skirt was draped around her slender waist with a vest securely fastened on top. With her hair up and tucked in a cap, I could see that the design on the back of her neck appeared to be a comet or shooting star. A second tattoo covered the inside of her wrist where her watch had sat before. It was a word, kanji, but I couldn't make it out. My mind, unbidden, conjured up an image of both bits of skin beneath my lips. Only two of the four earrings in today.

"Ah Kuga-sensei, how did that ankle go?" All the information began amalgamating in my head. The new Fellow, the beast, the woman on the bus, ice princess, Natsuki, and now Kuga were one and the same. _Kuga though_ … the name rang a bell, but I could not pull from my mind where I'd heard it before.

"Fine. I'll do this."

"No, no. It's quite alright. I don't mind. You've done quite a lot today." He was attempting to subdue her with encouragement and compliments, an error in judgment. I could nearly see the steam boiling from beneath her black OR cap. "Why don't you go home and rest? Enjoy your evening." He turned to Yohko. "We've called x-ray?" She nodded.

"I'd rather do this case." The newcomer replied, a bit of irritation seeping out. The nurse and I observed the scene with quiet interest. It was not often that an individual was so completely immune to Reito's charm, but this was obviously one of those times.

Yohko tossed the Fellow a surgical towel and pulled another wrapped sterile gown from the cabinet. "You can both do it, I don't care."

"How nice! I don't believe we've done a whole case yet together, have we?" He was being far too congenial. I felt badly for him but amused by the entire situation, amused and oddly nervous to be trapped in this room with her for however long the case took.

"No." She answered flatly, seeming not the least bit excited. I could see why Haruka and she clashed. _A puppy in need of taming_.

"Kuga-sensei, what size gloves do you take?" The circulator asked.

"6." Such small hands for her chosen profession, in general really. I crossed my legs at the ankles as she gowned up.

"We have a subtrochanteric fracture, complete, no dislocation, so…" Reito began, glancing at her.

"TFN. I looked up the films and the history already." She finished for him. "Sizes outside?"

"Yes." He answered, gazing up at the x-rays that were projected on the far wall of the monitor. "Did you have a thought on the length?"

"400mm." She said and continued without waiting for his response. "Patient has congestive heart failure, Anesthesia knows?" She said unemotionally, before looking over at me. Those eyes with everything else covered, no other features to draw my attention, were dangerously attractive. Something passed through them and I wondered if she recalled seeing me in that elevator or outside Mai-han's shop, if just my own eyes would be enough.

"Anesthesia is aware," I answered her playfully, to blanket the tingling that had just started mercilessly running along my scalp and neck. "Anesthesia has a name as well, if Kuga-sensei is interested."

Her eyes widened a little and a blush peeked from below her mask, touching her neck. I dearly wished I could see it all of it. "W-what is it?" She asked quietly, the tiniest stutter in her question. It was a stutter my heart seemed to mimic.

"My apologies. This is Fujino-sensei, Kuga-sensei. She is the best Anesthesiologist Fuuka has." Reito jumped in, spoiling my fun.

"Ara ara, how flattering, but that is a matter of opinion," I added. Her brow rose and her eyes narrowed as if she didn't quite understand what she was looking at.

He shot me an entertained stare, one that caused tiny lines to form at the corners of his eyelids. "Fujino-sensei, this is…"

"Kuga… Natsuki." She spoke with that low, rich alto. The words had a truncated feel as if they were being forced from her, spoken strictly enough to convey the meaning… as if she would be happier saying nothing at all. Perhaps that was the truth.

"Okay, so we all know each other then. Let's get to it?" Yohko broke in, clearly eager to start the case. She began the safety pause, but I found my attention constantly wavering.

"Scalpel." The scrub tech handed her the tool and I found it difficult to not watch as she worked with silent efficiency. "Incision time, 18:10." She stated quietly, her eyes never leaving the flesh of an exposed leg, shoulders stiff and rolled forward as if to protect herself.

She still exuded that aura of utter unapproachability even when operating within a team. It was fascinating for me to see Reito assume a subordinate role as well, but he fell into it easily, suctioning and irrigating without comment, keeping everything clear for her, observing with soft, yet critical eyes. I could tell he was impressed and annoyed at the same time, but he hid both well. As I watched the stats and lines, satisfied with what I saw, my eyes kept drifting back to her. She did not seem to notice that I was looking. Her hands moved differently than the rest of her, I realized. There was no urgency, only precise movements, fingers agile, knowing, and almost gliding as they wrapped around tools, coaxing them into position. Even when portions of the procedure required force, her movements seemed controlled.

I found myself enamored with the woman, for lack of a more appropriate term. It was not often that I was so powerfully attracted to someone and I could enjoy it only because nothing would ever come of it. Her blunt words and forward stares, however, seemed to terrorize the man running the x-ray machine. What a remarkable contradiction she was, shy and aggressive all at once. Needing to refocus myself, I turned my attention briefly to the patient, then with everything seeming to be in order, I turned to the nervous tech leaning against the fluoroscope.

"I do not believe we've met." He was waiting anxiously for his next instructions. His eyes had been fixed intensely on the surgeon throughout most of the case, but now they darted between me and the table, as if afraid he might miss something.

"Fujino-sensei." He nodded politely. Apparently, he knew of me. I could see the light sheen of sweat on his forehead and I wondered if he was truly that scared of this woman or if there was some other factor in his reaction. "Takeda Masashi." I resolved to see if I could somehow alleviate some of this tension.

"Takeda-han, nice to meet you."

I felt, more than saw, the penetrating glare she gave him. For an uncomfortable few seconds, she merely stared in his direction. When he failed to move, his eyes on me as though unsure our conversation had ended, she spoke harshly. "X-ray."

"Yes." He scrambled to move the large C-shaped machine into position.

"I must apologize Kuga-sensei," She nearly flinched as the honorific left my lips and I grinned beneath my mask. "I am afraid it was me that caused the delay. I was taking Takeda-han's attention from his duty."

I rested my hands on my legs, one on top of the other, fingers laced together. Yohko gave me the most unusual glance from across the room and the man in question seemed alarmed. I suppose I was curious to see if the young surgeon would snap at me as she had him. My voice pulled her gaze toward me and I watched as her neck followed stiffly. I could see surprise in the gathering wrinkles on her forehead.

"Oh." It seemed she had no intentions of saying anything else.

Reito eyes flashed to mine mischievously before he turned to look at the monitor that displayed the x-ray images. "Kuga-san. I think the distal screw is fine."

She sighed with frustration. "It's crooked." She said, glancing at the screen. It seemed as though she were readying herself to remove it. I considered whether she was a perfectionist or merely looking for a problem.

"Only slightly, I would leave it. The length is good and that's most important. You'll hit the next one perfectly I'm sure." I could see her bristle at his words.

She seemed absolutely committed to taking offense to anything he said. It did have an interesting effect on her though. Her focus became impossibly sharper and she finished the case in a fantastically short amount of time. They begin pulling their gowns off and I recorded the last of what I needed to. Her speed upset the timing I had planned, and I realized the patient would need a few extra moments to wake up. I felt myself release a deep breath, feeling my heartbeat slowly coming down. I spoke softly, gently to the patient now on a stretcher, informing him the surgery was over, unsure whether or not he could yet understand. As we were leaving, I looked at the name on the whiteboard in the corner one last time. Kuga Natsuki… _summer child indeed_.

Sometime later, having finished up, I was standing in front of my locker, taking the folded clothes from it and setting them neatly on the bench. A tiny sigh almost escaped my lips as I removed my hat and let my hair down. My scrubs and the shoes I reserved for my time in the operating room came next. I was tired tonight, not exhausted, but ready for the day to be over. Knowing who she was now, it seemed future encounters with the green-eyed woman would be inevitable. It was both an exciting and an anxiety-provoking revelation because I had not reacted to another person quite the way I reacted to her before, with this nearly instantaneous fascination that refused to be quelled. The only experience in my life that was anything close to this had ended so poorly that it was not something I liked to think on. As I stood there unfolding my skirt and smoothing it out, I sensed someone. Glancing over, I smiled at the smirking nurse now leaning against the wall nearest me, fully dressed.

As our eyes met, we exchanged a look of quiet amusement. I waited silently for her to ask me what I could see she wanted to. A metallic clank broke the stillness and the hits of a quick-paced, hard walk echoed through the locker room. It stopped whatever she would say. Across the way, the gorgeous doctor who seemed to be carving out a permanent place in my thoughts suddenly appeared, tossing her scrubs into a linen basket. Had she changed in a bathroom stall? How odd. Her face lifted and she saw the two of us, promptly blushing a furious shade of red. My eyes widened in surprise before I could prevent it.

She reminded me of a soldier, spinning on a heel. I suppressed a chuckle as she turned around with impressive speed because I realized it was directed at me in my current state of dress… or undress I suppose. Body shyness of this caliber was a rare thing in the hospital.

"Kuga-sensei!" The woman visibly startled when I spoke, as if I had thrust my finger into her side unexpectedly. "It was a pleasure to meet you." She nodded keeping her back toward us, the tip of an exposed ear still noticeably pink. "And have a good evening."

I could not help but notice her body as she stood facing away from me, encased as it was in a skin-tight leather riding suit. She never turned around and her backside in that outfit was one of the most distracting sights I'd ever witnessed. My face slipped away from me for a moment. The hand with which I held my skirt flexed the smallest amount and I felt my teeth grip the corner of my bottom lip as if trying to hold something in.

"Yeah, night." She was quickly out the door, it shutting noisily behind her.

Yohko simply shook her head at me. "Shizuru," It was more a laugh than my name.

"Hmm?" I said as if I did not understand, slipping my skirt on.

She rubbed at the pad of her thumb with the tip of her index finger, an expression that fell somewhere between disbelief and delight on her face. "You don't have to tell me, but I'm just gonna say, it's pretty fun to watch." I slipped on my blouse carefully, leaving a smile on my face.

"Yohko enjoys watching now?"

She laughed and answered back in kind. "If it's you swooning like that over Kuga-san, absolutely."

I was mildly offended, mildly amused, and subtly embarrassed. " _Ikezu."_

"You were actually biting your lip, Shizuru." I pouted, which expectedly had no effect on her whatsoever. "Hey, Reito and I are meeting Midori for a drink, you should come with."

I looked her way, wondering how tonight would end if I said yes, but her face gave no hint of intention. It never did until the moment. "I do not recall it ever being 'a drink' with you and Midori-han."

Her eyebrow arched and she gave a lopsided smirk. "...is that a 'no'?"

I smiled in return. "Merely an observation." The excitement of finally knowing who the woman was still had not left me. As something of a bonus, I had gotten the chance to make her blush as well, even if unintentionally and so I consented. It was worthy of a glass of wine, I thought.

**Digression #4: Sagisawa Yohko**   
**Date: December 18, 2010… a Saturday**

The sounds of the party inside had reached a dull roar. Yohko decided she was going to take full advantage of the hot tub while it was hers and focus on draining the wonderful selection of saké in Kanzaki Reito's private poolside bar. The man was disgustingly rich she realized, even for a doctor. He must have been born into money. She certainly wasn't complaining, as it was this very wealth that had her lounging in the largest hot tub she'd ever seen in the dead of winter, peering at the stars through beautiful, likely custom-made skylights. Beside her sat a traditional Japanese pitcher of saké that was just shy of full and a set of three small cups she had grabbed on the off chance she acquired a drinking buddy. No one had ever joined her in the previous years, but it was best to be prepared. It seemed most people preferred schmoozing and that was just as well as far she was concerned. This was one of the few times she had unrestricted and solitary access to a hot tub and she enjoyed it immensely. It was nice to have friends in high places she mused. Socializing could wait until she thoroughly indulged herself.

The noise of the door clicking and shutting caught her attention, but only enough for her not be surprised by the approach of another. Her eyes followed the young woman who entered with interest. One of the new Anesthesiologists, she remembered, a quirky, but attractive woman from Kyoto who seemed to make friends wherever she went. Fujino Shizuru was her name. Apparently, Kanzaki had not been able to resist her charms either.

"Hi there." She greeted, lifting the small ceramic cup up toward the woman in salute.

The woman smiled at her as she fixed her hair up, removing her cover-up to reveal a one-piece bathing suit with cut-outs that left little to the imagination. So, the young doctor had confidence, not that it was unfounded, but still. Bizarre that a piece of clothing with more material than her own bikini could seem so much more suggestive.

"Hello, Sagisawa-han. Would you mind if I joined you?"

She laughed. Only this woman would be so formal wearing that. "Not at all and I think we can forget the formality while we're in the hot tub. Yohko, please."

"Then Shizuru." She replied, slipping gracefully into the water across from her. "You and Reito-han have been working together for quite some time, correct?" Such a proper way of speaking; but her eyes, her smile, were anything but.

"Correct."

"Could I trouble you?" There was an indication, a glance and a slight raise of her finger toward the saké.

"Sure." She set down her cup to fill another, handing the small vessel to her new companion, happy with her own foresight. It meant she didn't have to leave the tub.

"Are you enjoying yourself?" The woman asked with a smile, leaning her body closer as her hand closed around the offered saké. "Ookini" She certainly took care of herself, the older woman noted.

A puff of air through her nose and a smile. "You mean at this party?"

"I mean at this moment." The possibility of an alternative interpretation for those words, especially with the tone in the other woman's voice, did not escape her.

"What's not to enjoy?" She answered mirthfully.

"This is very true." Her eyes fell closed as she answered and she leaned her head back.

Yohko stared at her while she reclined, at loss for what to say. Maybe it was the alcohol or the heat of the water, but she found herself thinking some unexpected things about the doctor in that particular pose, eyes closed, lips parted the smallest amount. Uncommon for her to have such thoughts about another woman, though. It had happened only sporadically in her life. She had even tried it a few times, but found women to be particularly bad at keeping sex casual, and casual was the way she preferred it. There was a common misconception, in her opinion, that sex had to be emotional. Passion and emotion were not the same things. Emotions were complicated, sex didn't have to be. Not that she was wildly promiscuous or anything of the sort, she just liked to keep sex and falling in love very separate. She approached them both as she approached drinking, with a sort of reckless abandon. Her closest friend, Midori, had once told her she thought about sex like a man, that she was too practical about it. Yohko had yet to find any evidence that hers was a bad position to take.

The nurse had noticed that even female Residents, maybe especially female Residents, seemed to follow the Anesthesiologist around, seemed to hang and dote on her. Maybe it was some sort of pheromone thing, she reasoned. It appeared she herself was not immune to it either.

"Is Yohko watching me?" The woman spoke, another small smile on her lips as she sipped from the ceramic cup.

"Yes." She was unconcerned and unwilling to deny something that was true. Shizuru had a reputation around the OR already as something of a flirt; she liked to play. The older woman had to admit that strangely enough, she found it…cute in-person.

It was not the answer the younger woman had expected and it showed briefly on her face. "I wonder why that is?"

The nurse found herself amused by the way the doctor danced around things. Another sip of saké, before she spoke. "Because, in that swimsuit, anyone would look."

Again, that tiny twitch of shock. It didn't seem she was very accustomed to anyone playing with her in return. "I am sure Yohko is used to being looked at herself."

"You didn't though." She responded pointedly, but with laughter in her gaze, enjoying their little back and forth.

Those reddish-brown eyes flicked her way, such thoughts swimming inside of them. The nurse could understand why the Residents were nearly stupefied by this creature. In fact, she might have been years ago, but she wasn't a girl anymore. Shizuru was much closer to one.

"What did I not do?"

The older woman met the gaze unflinchingly. There was such a sensual coolness in it, and the nurse was comforted by that…no yearning.

"Look." A smile that was definitely teetering on the edge of a smirk painted those lips and then swirling pools of crimson and chocolate roamed over her, lingering purposefully. It made her skin feel warm, but she found more than anything it made her want to retaliate, to see some need on that pretty face. _And that was quite a thought._ At least that was settled, she would most definitely sleep with the woman. "I guess we're even now," Yohko commented, watching the saké disappear. Moving forward, she took the cup, refilling it with a practiced hand.

"Not quite." Was the response. The tips of their fingers brushed as the cup was passed back. "You looked because, as you say, anyone would, and I looked because I chose to, so we are not even."

The nurse threw a jokingly cynical glance at the girl, taking another sip. "You looked because I asked. Not exactly the same thing."

"I looked a second time because you asked." The younger woman corrected, still with her lips curved upward.

"You could just do this all night, couldn't you?" She replied with a smirk.

Shizuru only gave her a puzzled expression in response. "Hmm?"

"Let's be clear then," Resting the tiny cup on the tile she stood, wading over toward the girl whose eyes had widened perceptibly, making a decision in the same way she made all such decisions, on the spot. She brought her face close to the other woman's, hand sliding to her neck. "I want you." A faint blush covered the young doctor's cheeks, but she did not appear embarrassed or unhappy. Taking that as a cue, Yohko leaned down and pressed her lips to the other woman's in a kiss that was not at all hesitant before she withdrew her hand. "If you'd like to discuss this further, meet me by the door in an hour. I'm gonna go mingle."

With that she lifted herself from the tub and made her way to the entrance, not looking back. The direct approach was always worth a try.

 **Aside #4: Orthopedic Surgery** _(Background)_

When beginning a Residency in Orthopedic surgery, one of the first things the young doctors were told was that the specialty is most similar to carpentry. They would be using drills, hammers, mallets, screws, saws, and reamers. It was physically tiring work. They knew this from their observations as medical students, but doing and seeing are often quite different experiences. In general, the residents at Fuuka enjoyed their trauma rotations, even if the new Fellow was not the friendliest. To some degree it was expected, a friendly surgeon was more the exception than the rule. Like most, on some instinctual level, they were fascinated by a bit of gore. It was morbid curiosity that drew them to a particularly severe fracture, shredded limbs, or a shard of bone protruding through the skin.

The most common trauma surgeries they saw were ORIFs and TFNs. ORIFs (Open Reduction Internal Fixations) consisted of a metal plate with screw holes that were fit to the broken bone and secured with screws drilled through the bone on either end. They were routinely used to treat fractures of the long bones that required more than a simple casting. TFNs (Trochanteric Femoral Nailings) or IM Nails (Intramedullary Nails) consisted of a rod that was inserted through the center of the fractured femur and secured in place with a large screw extending into the neck of the femur and additional screws down toward the knee. The procedure involved reaming or coring out the bone and using a mallet to drive the rod down the shaft, before drilling in the screws. IM Nails were also used on the larger of the two lower leg bones, the tibia, and sometimes the humerus. These were the bread and butter of the trauma rotation.

Fuuka's surgeons divided their week between the operating room and seeing their patients. Kuga Natsuki saw patients on Monday and Tuesday, which she made a late day, keeping appointments until 7 pm. They were her least favorite days of the week. The remaining three days, she spent in the OR.

There were several divisions within Fuuka's Orthopedic department itself. Kanzaki had begun transitioning to joint replacements, Ishigami worked primarily spines, Irina Woods handled small parts (hands, feet, fingers), and Kuga handled the trauma and as the Fellow...ended up doing most of the emergent cases. As such, she took a fair amount of call, sharing it with the Residents. The total caseload was high enough to keep them all busy plus some even though the hospital was not that large. Between the surgery, repeat visits, and imaging procedures... Orthopedics made a good amount of money for Fuuka.

Kanzaki Reito had been shifting his primary focus from trauma to joint replacement surgeries over the last year or so… knees, hips… he'd even started on shoulders, non-emergent, scheduled cases for those who elected to have them. He still presided over the general goings-on in trauma but allowed Kuga Natsuki to handle most of the procedures. It seemed she liked it that way. Kanzaki Reito had been hoping to scout a suitable replacement for Trauma Attending before the Chief's upcoming retirement in about a year's time. Several interviews with him and the aging Chief of Orthopedics, Nguyen Bao, had turned up no suitable candidates. Kuga was the first real prospect he'd encountered even if he hadn't had a choice in her hiring, and he was enjoying the experience of having a Fellow that didn't really need much from him. It was becoming their routine for him to pop in at the end of the case, to be sure she didn't require assistance, which she'd yet to. He stopped bothering to scrub in.

The only negative he could cite concerning Kuga Natsuki was the awkwardness that resulted when they were alone together, which was certainly not a reason to discount her. Social difficulties were not an uncommon problem to encounter when working with as many people as he did, but trying to make small talk out of her one-word answers and her silent annoyance had proved quite the challenge. He simply wasn't sure what to make of a woman who didn't much care for praise or talking in general...with a woman who was all business.


	5. A Trade, Natsuki, and Research Team

**Narrative #5: A Trade of Sorts  
Date: October 15, 2013 … a Tuesday**

Every so often, when the mood struck me, when my work had kept me late, I would come and sit at the grand piano that stood in the corner of the main lobby. It was a donation by one of the hospital's benefactors, the SEARRS Corporation. Though not nearly as gracious as the inpatient building they funded, it was more interesting to me. In truth, I knew very little about the corporation except that it was based out of England and seemed to have some sort of philanthropic interest in Japan's institutes of medicine. Ours was neither the first nor the only SEARRS building in this country's medical centers.

I smiled warmly at the security guard, asking after his children. He nodded to me respectfully, shifting behind the desk to stand straighter. He worked the evening shift and I saw him often enough that we greeted each other by name when we passed. I stepped up to the piano, letting my fingers brush over the ivory keys, not quite depressing them as I lowered myself to the bench. There had been a piano in my home growing up, but certainly not of this caliber. I had taken lessons for years, one of the many activities I had been trained in at my mother's insistence, but one of the few that I truly enjoyed. There was rectangular glass paperweight that sat atop it, words etched in both English and Japanese.

_"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music"._

The quote always struck me as an unusual choice. It seemed to dare anyone to attempt a tune more beautiful than the sleepy quiet of a moonlit evening. I looked at the smaller letters beneath the quote and remembered where it was I had heard that name before.

_'In Loving Memory of Kuga Saeko'_

I wondered idly if that was the relation Reito had mentioned at the bar the other evening. I could not know who she was to Kuga-han. If it was not simply a coincidence, I hoped it was no one too dear. The piano itself was a magnificent instrument, one of the best I had ever played on. The black, lacquered wood was always impeccably polished, reflecting everything in its smooth, sloping curves… simply beautiful. The way that I felt when I looked upon it was almost like being in love with someone beyond your worth. Perhaps it was appropriate, as each time I played, it inspired me to try my best.

_Try your best._ Those words, words that I now found myself using, were spoken to me by my piano teacher before a performance, whether in front of a crowd or for her younger students. They were a challenge disguised as encouragement and I understood their purpose. Memories of her returned to me every time that I played. Her brown eyes, so dark they looked black, seeing into me, lips that were the very definition of symmetry always slightly parted flooded my mind along with the music. I would watch her, slender fingers flowing easily across alternating black and white as though the instrument were her slave. My mind and body would freeze, my heart thundering within my thirteen-year-old chest. I smiled to myself as I realized I had, yet again, let my thoughts run wild.

Taking a deep breath, I began to play, my fingers drawing out the first strains of Chopin's Nocturne in B-flat minor, Opus 9, Number 1. I had learned the piece some seventeen years ago because it was a favorite of my teacher. The emotion of the composition was not in the notes themselves, but in their spacing and the quiet between, the distance from one tone to the next…that was how she explained its impact. I found it enhanced the experience of playing to close my eyes and so I did. I no longer had to think of the notes, or the music, it was too ingrained in me, and my hands needed no assistance. They knew where I intended them to be and when. It was blissfully relaxing. As they finished their work, I sensed another person nearby. Folding my hands, I placed them on my thighs and turned, opening my eyes.

My gaze met that of the young woman I had nearly collided with outside of Mai-han's shop over a month ago. Her cheeks held the same color as they did then, a rosiness covering them completely, eyes wide and staring. My lips curved into a smile and I felt my eyebrow rise as blue ducked to the side.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to listen in." She spoke, that accent once again subtly changing the shape of her words. She was sitting slouched forward, elbows balanced on knees with multi-colored bracelets gathered around the wrist beneath her chin. A black racing helmet with a golden-yellow sunburst airbrushed across the top rested like a companion on the seat next to her. "I just heard the music and I couldn't help listening."

I cocked my head to the side, a genuine smile replacing the one I already wore. "Ara? And what did my audience think?"

Surprisingly, more blood rushed to her face and I began to worry that she might faint. "It was absolutely beautiful. You play so well. I always wanted to learn how." She spoke softly, shyly.

I stood, smoothing out my clothes, noticing the skirt and vest she wore. She must have been in high school. I would have guessed her age to be around fifteen or sixteen. I could not help but wonder what she was doing here at this hour.

"Ookini, I'm pleased you liked it." A puzzled, embarrassed expression met the word. "It means 'thank you'." I corrected. Her fingers tightened around a large sketchbook on her lap."You are an artist?" I asked, taking a seat on the arm of the chair across the way.

"No, I mean I draw, but I'm not an artist." Her blonde hair fell in front of her eyes, black liner following her upper lid, the tiniest bit of shadow showing as she looked down at the floor.

"Is that not what an artist does?" I inquired.

"Huh?"

"Draws?"

"Yeah, I guess that's true." She smiled, small and bashful and adorable, gripping her right ear.

"Perhaps since you have heard me play, you would share one of your sketches. A trade of sorts." Her bright eyes widened and her mouth moved as though she were trying to talk but found her voice had escaped her. _What a cute girl._

"You wanna see one?"

"Yes, if you're amenable."

"Okay." Tentatively, she handed me her notebook. I placed my palm on top of it, gently pushing it back toward her as she gave me a confused stare.

"Please, you must pick one. It would be unfair if I saw all of them. A song for a picture. My name is Fujino Shizuru, by the way. I do not believe we've been formally introduced. Alyssa-han was it?"

I remembered her name, at the same time that I remembered the woman who spoke it. Since our encounter in the OR, I had been working on Kuga-han slowly. For some indefinable reason, I felt compelled to interact with her, to get to know her and the strength of that feeling honestly surprised me. We occasionally saw one another in passing and I could not keep the smile from my face or the wave from my hand. She'd at least stopped glancing behind her to see who I was directing it toward, but I had yet to get more than a nod.

"Oh, just Alyssa is fine." She turned her eyes away, not attaching a last name. She hunched down further, flipping through the pages, a serious look taking her features as she considered her decision. "At least this one is finished." The sketchbook was handed over again and this time I took it.

A drawing I immediately recognized as a quite well-done anime version of Kuga Natsuki greeted me. She was dressed in a skintight leather suit reminiscent of the one I'd already seen her in, standing backward with her head turned, two small pistols held in her grip. Her long hair was floating behind her and a slight frown painted her lips, adding to the overall accuracy of the character. The only part of the drawing that had any color was her eyes, a perfect match, standing out like emeralds against the page. A robotic wolf-like creature with cannons mounted to its back stood beside her, metal teeth bared. I, myself, had not a drop of talent for drawing. A stick figure was the extent of my abilities and I could not even ensure that it would have all the prerequisite parts. Any artistic ability impressed me, but this was particularly good.

"You're quite talented," I said.

"Oh, it's not…thanks!" She giggled around her embarrassment at the compliment, hand rubbing at her neck. I studied the image again before handing it back to her. _Kuga Natsuki._ That woman just kept appearing in my life.

I suddenly remembered the small notebook. "You know, I believe I may have something that belongs to you." I'd had it in my office for weeks now, resting on the corner of my desk. Out of curiosity, I had flipped through it once, surprised to find it was a phonebook. There were no numbers inside it though, only words in various languages, definitions scrawled neatly tabbed in alphabetical order. I'd opened the page to "P" which contained three entries:

" _pescatarian (ENGLISH)_ \- one whose diet includes fish but no other meat  
 _petrichor (ENGLISH)-_ the scent of rain on dry earth or dust  
 _pochemuchka_ ( _RUSSIAN) -_ a person or child who asks a lot of questions (probably too many)."

It was a rather unusual thing for a teenager I thought, and I found myself appreciating the idea behind it.

"Really?"

"Are you missing a small notebook?"

Her eyes lit up instantly. "You found it?" A blush took her cheeks yet again. "Did you… read it?"

I smiled at her. "Alyssa may be the first person I have met who collects words."

She drummed her fingers on her knee, as though afraid of what I might say. "I like them."

"May I ask you something?"

"Um, sure."

"How do you select them?"

"I don't know. I like words that don't have an equivalent in other languages, something that belongs to one group of people only, but that everyone understands… **_untranslatable_**."

"It is one of the more unique collections I have ever seen."

"It's kinda stupid I guess."

"No, I think it is rather interesting... original."

"Yeah?" I nodded with a bright smile. "Hey," I tilted my head to the side and gave her my full attention. "Do you come here a lot?"

The question surprised me. "The hospital?"

"Sorry, that was weird." She laughed nervously and I smiled gently. It was a bit strange, but I did not mind that. "The lobby is what I meant because I'm here almost every Tuesday. I ride home with my sister. Do you think we'll see each other again?"

I was unsure where this conversation was headed but was curious, nonetheless. "I work at the hospital, so if you are here every Tuesday it is very likely we will see one another again."

"Um, would you mind keeping it then and writing some Japanese words in? Before you give it back, maybe? You don't have to if you don't want to. Just… I don't know any good ones yet."

_Adorable_. "Alyssa has such faith in my judgment."

She grinned, threading her fingers and resting them on her legs. "So, are you a doctor or a nurse or something?"

"I am an anesthesiologist."

She smiled, excitedly. "Do you know my sister? She's a doctor here too!"

" ** _Alyssa!"_** I knew without looking, who it was. It tried to ignore the sensation that this was beginning to feel guided by Providence. **_"Are you ready?"_**

Turning my head, I met a suspicious and mildly shocked green gaze. "Hello again." I greeted her, then let myself take her in for a moment.

It was the first I had seen of her in professional attire, but it was quite memorable. Even in business casual, she managed to add in some sprinkling of nonconformity, the silver silk shirt, collar sharp, form-fitting, with contrasting black buttons. She'd paired it with perfectly tailored black pants. It was men's wear done in an undeniably feminine, deliciously attractive way. She was standing, hip cocked just slightly to rest a black helmet against it, a leather jacket draped over her arm. My throat felt tight. She turned her eyes on me fully, not answering, the faintest hint of blush starting. The question in her eyes was clear. _What are you doing talking to her?_ So protective of this girl, I realized why now. A slight pout crossed my lips. Still, she would not give me a proper hello.

"Ara, ara? Does Kuga-sensei not remember me?"

"What? Yeah…I mean yes…of course, I do." _So endearingly articulate_. I smiled brightly at her, which made her frown. Why her mere presence was so enjoyable despite the feeling obviously not being mutual, I could not say. It was beyond just her incredible attractiveness, she felt so warm to me even through that coldness. Something unidentifiable, a feeling that mystified me was buried in the depths of her eyes.

I let such thoughts float away, a bit confused by them. "We shared a room one evening." I supplied helpfully to her sister, delighting in her wide-eyed shock and deep flush.

"In the OR!" She corrected adamantly, drawing a perplexed but interested expression from Alyssa. High school was not so young that she would not understand, especially when the woman was bringing such attention to it.

"Of course." I smiled at her as though I had no idea to what she could be reacting.

"Fujino-san's been keeping me company, while I waited." The girl chimed in somewhat anxiously. I considered she might be regretting the choice of sketches she had shown me or perhaps her sister's mood was making her nervous…

"Oh. Thanks." She looked away as she mumbled it. **_"We should go."_** The woman said, clearly irritated and still feeling awkward. The young girl stood up quickly, slipping her sketchbook into the backpack by her feet.

" ** _Good night Dr. Kuga!"_** I said in the same language she had been using.

She startled a bit, before answering curtly. "Yeah, night Fujino-sensei."

"Shizuru." Our eyes locked for a moment and I found my heart changing its pace. I kept my expression neutral as hers begged a question. "That is the rest of my name. You are welcome to use it if you wish."

"Shi-zuru…san." She said with a rather stiff nod. There was the slightest pause between the first and the second syllable, and I felt a touch of heat in my chest. She hesitated before she added, "Then Natsuki."

"Na-tsu-ki." I tried it out, pleased we'd made some progress. This was the first time it had passed my lips, and I found myself taking pleasure in pronouncing it, noticing an answering flush on her cheeks. "Han," I added.

I observed Alyssa's gaze bouncing between us, perhaps unsure of why there was so much tension. I was unsure myself, but it did not diminish my enjoyment the least bit.

The young girl waved at me, which I returned.

**_"See you!"_** She said with an accent I finally recognized as British, following behind Natsuki-han, running to catch up.

**Digression #5: Kuga Natsuki  
Date: April 23, 2012 ... a Monday**

There are people who enjoy probing their inner thoughts, reflecting as part of some constant experiment in self-improvement and there are those that don't. Kuga Natsuki, though her mind was prone to reflection, was of the second type.

For the vast majority of her life, she'd had no interest in talking about her feelings because she had little interest in them at all. Feelings were fleeting and often embarrassing, were something to react to and then try to forget, 'try' being the operative word. Feelings stayed sometimes... no matter how hard you pushed back on them and that was another reason to dislike them as far as she was concerned. Besides which, they were often confusing and annoying and opposite. Her mother had been one of the few people she'd ever confided in that way, and one of the only ones who never made her feel as though hers were strange... and her mother had been ripped away from her with a suddenness that shook her to this day.

Natsuki remembered wanting only one thing when she woke from her coma to find her mother dead... something real to hold onto, because everything that felt real to her had been taken in a flash. No one asked what she wanted, though. People felt awkward and guilty, so they appeased their own feelings by 'helping' her, by tiptoeing around her. She had always been something of an introvert and so she didn't mind silence, didn't mind being alone, didn't mind a bit of space to try to quiet her own upset. She even needed these things, but people were bad at getting out of their own heads. They could not understand what she needed and did not understand her.

They were so nervous, not for her, but for themselves and they filled up her space with talking. There was always talking and about nothing, the weather or silly gossip. It was always filler so she couldn't think, couldn't relax, couldn't stay still for one damn second. They didn't understand that she needed them to just sit with her in the comfort of silence, that quiet helped more than empty words. They compounded her problems, her guilt, her pain because they made her feel awful with their pity, their need to feel like they'd made a difference for her when they hadn't. She'd have to soothe them when she needed soothing, she would have to smile, to thank them. She began to dread those moments, began to dread social interaction. Her heart would pound at the thought of it and her chest would tighten and tighten, so much that she became afraid. It became a nagging fear, to smile too much, to speak too often, lest she invite that sort of fakeness all over again.

All of that, while the man she'd never met before, the man who called himself her father, waltzed back into her life with stupidly extravagant gifts and English mansions like it would replace the only person who truly loved her. He filled her space with things instead of words, but it was the same in the end. How quickly he gave up on her too, without a fight, happily even. It cemented the thoughts stirring inside her already. People were not to be trusted, people were thrown mirage, people were just like feelings, clouds of smoke she fell through, hitting the ground again and again until she couldn't stand it. All she wanted was to be left alone and she stopped talking entirely for two months after her father sent her back. There had been psychiatrists and medication, but it wasn't until Sakomizu had broken down, begged her with tears in his eyes, that she spoke again.

By mid-way through eleven years of age, she began cultivating whatever behaviors seemed to cause people to stay away. Sakomizu was an exception because she'd known him since she was little and he was one of the few connections to her mother she had left. He became her legal guardian when her father returned her. They weren't much more than strangers then and he hadn't wanted to force himself too strongly into her life. She was thankful for what he gave her…a roof, a silent ear if she needed it, and the knowledge that adults had about such matters as money and inheritances and getting fair prices on motorcycles. Even simple tasks like how to work a washing machine or an oven, things that she probably could have figured out, were easier with him. He gave her all the space she needed too, as long as she told him where she was going. She respected him for never trying to be anything more than what he was, for teaching her useful things

Most recently, it was for showing her how to care for the plum tree that had always been her mother's favorite. Still, she continued to find the most peace in being alone by saturating her senses or blocking one out entirely, through music so loud that the bass became her heartbeat or running at night when there was only enough light for blacks and blues. It soothed her in a way no person had ever been able to. By the end of middle school, she could count the number of people she allowed to know her on one hand and she was perfectly content with that.

Keeping people away had been fairly uncomplicated until she started to get a bit older, until a body that used to be thin and girlish started to betray her, to attract all sorts of unwanted attention in its own right. She resented all the boys who tried to talk to her because of it, resented the fact that they didn't care at all to know her for any reason other than how she looked. She resented the girls who stared at her form with jealousy in their eyes, who judged her because of the curves that seemed to grow overnight, for something she did not want and could not control. They didn't care about her as a person in the slightest, none of them had cared when she needed someone to. It made her self-conscious, always changing on her own just to avoid it.

The attention made her feel guilty for thinking herself attractive, for liking the lines of her body, because they brought such trouble, such superficial interest back into her life. Later she would start to cover her back, her neck, her wrist with tattoos, pierce her body, adorn it with bits of metal and ink that made her feel clothed even when she was bared. It started as a sort of permanent protection, but blossomed into something she very much enjoyed. Even these eventually brought ambivalence because though they drove others away, made them keep their distance, they were beautiful to her and she loved having them. The rejection though was still a rejection. Feelings again, opposite and annoying.

High school forced things a step further, dragged the possibility of sex into the equation, how it made people act, how it made them think. It was like a disease that infected everyone around her. She shut away the budding part of her that thought of it, stomped on her sexuality until it stopped moving, the same way she stomped on her loneliness until it was buried so deep inside her, crippled so severely that she could forget about it. Nao had always teased her, called her 'dead below the waist' but she didn't really care. The girl could do what she liked with whoever she liked and Natsuki was happy not to… until Tate.

By the third year of college, sex didn't annoy her the way it used to and she was feeling more comfortable in her skin because the changes to her body weren't quite so new. People around her got a bit more serious as well, focused on their studies. They were not so focused on sex, or they were more quietly focused on it. Either way, she didn't have to watch them salivate over each other or chase each other around like idiots. Everything that had to do with sex, love, and romance became a bit more subtle, a bit more background. In the almost five years it took for her to agree to date Tate, she'd come to an understanding, to accept the fact that sex was something people did, that if she ever wanted a relationship, it was something she would have to think about doing as well. A small part of her began to question, to wonder about what it would be like, what all the fuss was about. The tiny but persistent pinprick of curiosity led to her taking an elective course on 'Human Sexuality'... which was only half as traumatic as she anticipated. She'd sat in the darkest corner of the lecture hall, hoping to hide the blush she knew she wouldn't be able to control. To this day she'd told no one she'd taken the course. Natsuki spent an equal amount of time ignoring and considering her problem during her fourth year of school.

She'd come to some conclusions by college graduation. A family, if she decided she wanted one, would require a relationship, a relationship would require sex, and maybe as a bonus that loneliness she'd stomped on would go away. Tate was the closest thing she had to a relationship already. Of all the men she'd ever met, Tate was the easiest to consider sex with. How was she supposed to know if she should date him? Mai thought she should try and Nao didn't care one way or the other. In the end, Natsuki decided that since they were close anyway she might as well, which in hindsight, didn't seem the most romantic reason... didn't seem like it was anything more than friendship.

Even more complicated than the adjustment to being in a relationship with him had been, was a new development. Now at the edge of thirty, her body was experiencing some sort of horrible, completely unwelcome awakening. Her urges seemed to be reviving themselves and at the least predictable of times. On top of her issues with Tate, her body was now in revolt. Like Natsuki herself, the sexual side of her, bruised as it was, would just not stay down. These urges, when they came, were confused and sudden, not at all directed as they should be. She had absolutely no intention of ever talking to anyone about it either, would have to find a way to deal with it herself. Talking about it would've been devastatingly humiliating.

For her, desire and response had always been two very different things. There was seldom any pang of desire when she was touched. This was not to say that her body was unresponsive, it was incredibly sensitive, so much so that being touched sometimes felt like having twenty different people screaming in her face at once. Tate had not reacted well to that description and it had reinforced in her mind that she should not bother trying to speak about such things. If there was one thing she could honestly say she was awful with, it was putting her feelings into words.

If she'd learned anything about sex through her limited experience, it was that touching was always better than being touched. Touching she understood, it was clear what she was supposed to do, clear to her what he liked, and being able to please him felt good to her. As far as her own body was concerned, she had no idea. Desire had been an abstraction for such a long time, one of the many things she'd heard people talk about but never much felt herself, a mystery. Now it had appeared out of nowhere, and of course, it was almost never the way it should be. Her body was attaching desire to the least appropriate experiences, like the first bite of that chocolate tort Mai brought her yesterday or when she finished a particularly good run or the feeling of high-end lingerie against her skin. That last one was the strangest because she didn't actually like being admired in it, she just liked the feel of it on her skin…even just picking it up. She'd always liked lingerie, not like this though or...had it always been like that and she never noticed? Was that even possible?

She'd been thinking about these things more than she wanted to, because they made her feel so different than everyone else, always so damn different. It seemed par for the course in her life, some cosmic power making sure she couldn't possibly have something that was 'normal'. It was her kind of luck she reasoned. Of course, her body would find running a mile in just under seven minutes way more sexually exciting than sex. None of that was what she really needed to worry about right now though. She was a disaster in the bedroom and no amount of thinking could fix that. What she needed to consider was Tate. It had gotten to the point where she had no choice, where she needed to figure out her feelings because it had been too long...because she was hurting him without meaning to. It was not a question of whether or not she loved him, she definitely did, it was a question of how she loved him.

_Tate._ In the beginning, he wanted nothing from her, except to be around her and he didn't know how to be anything but real. He was not afraid of the glare she'd developed for the sole purpose of scaring people off. He was not afraid of her sparing speech, of her coldness. She had been so angry at him when the 'sickness' had taken him as well their senior year... when he had looked at her in that horrible way...like he wanted something from her. All that rage had gone into the slap she delivered to his cheek when he kissed her, the repeated, forceful shoves that propelled him down the hallway till they reached a wall, and then she'd shoved him one more time straight into a row of lockers. It took her years to come to terms with it… every step they took was so painfully slow… years to trust, years to love, years to agree to date him, and she still hadn't had enough years to agree to marry him. How many years would it take? And what about a family? One of them might die before she was ready for a family…if she ever was, Jesus.

How could she know if she was in love with him? She didn't fall in love the way others seemed to, but she had never felt things the way others did. So maybe this was her in love or maybe this was the closest she could come? Maybe it was okay to be just a little put off by the scratchiness of his face, to nearly never be able to settle her mind or body beneath his touch…or for things to just be good, never great. They were good though, things had always been good between them and that was something wasn't it? Better than some relationships she'd seen. She'd finally, in the past year or so, reached a point where sex was more than some obligation attached to love, where she at least understood its potential. She didn't hate it, she'd never hated it. It had been better than she thought it would be in fact. It was fine when it happened, but she didn't ever need it. Like cleaning or brushing your teeth, no one loved those things but they did them because it had to be done and it felt good afterward. She knew enough to not say that to Tate because it seemed so important to him, and why not? Every other person in the world seemed to think it was pretty damn important too, except her.

She wasn't a fun girl to have sex with, not that he would ever, ever say something like that. She just… knew. She couldn't seem to relax. She could count the number of times she'd ever been able to really let go on one hand. Those times though, there was a little flash in her mind, a single second where things seemed to come together before they exploded into pieces again, and she was left feeling fooled. He was always sweet about it, infinitely understanding. In a way it hurt her, that she was anything someone had to be careful with, deal with. She didn't want to be that for him…for anyone. What bothered her more was that Tate...he was starting to make it his fault and there was a distinct possibility he realized that she did it mostly for his sake.

To some extent, she knew what she wanted and also knew it was impossible. She wanted to rewind time, to make things the way they were when it was just them being friends. A terrible thought came to her as she propped herself against the headboard, that their relationship had ruined something that was so precious to her, that him loving her in a different way, that her trying to love him differently had killed them, killed the connection that had meant the world to her.

To get out of this now, it could mean losing her best friend completely. It meant he might disappear completely, which was terrifying. It meant seeing those soft brown eyes full of pain she'd caused, which was not right. It would break both their hearts, his and then hers for his. They'd become intertwined with each other, shared such a close friendship and small habits and smiles that he understood without asking. It was so much to just throw away. She hated being in this situation, hated being responsible for someone else's feelings. She hated knowing about the beautiful ring in his pocket, she hated knowing he was waiting for her, that she would say 'no'…again. None of this was right.

She looked over at him sleeping peacefully in her bed, in her house. She'd made sure nothing was ever theirs, she realized suddenly, guiltily. His brown hair was pointing in every direction. She reached over and touched it, so short now. He slept like the dead, never snored, never moved. Her fingers drifted over his head and her heart ached. Such a good person, such a good guy, maybe too good… too patient with her. Maybe he shouldn't be okay with how things were either, not after all this time. She wanted to make it work. No, she wanted to go back. She wanted it to be enough, but it wasn't. How could it not be enough? How could she not be happy? What the hell was wrong with her? Why didn't she feel anything like she was supposed to? Her other hand pushed against her forehead, against the pounding in her temples.

**Aside #5: The Research Team** _(Background)_

When Homura Nagi became head of the HiME project, his first order of business was the overhaul of the 'Biological Materials Recycling Program'. It had first come to his attention during the time he spent under Kuga Saeko. She did not see the worth of the program, but when Iwasaka employees began moving into Fuuka Hospital, it was immediately apparent to him. In his estimation, Kuga Saeko did not belong in the position she'd held. She was a gifted scientist, yes, but she had no business sense. Her research was always that… research. She was a scientific purist and played by the rules. He was a creator and that made him more suited to a leadership role, which he doggedly and underhandedly pursued. Once she was out of the picture due to the complete failure of their first study after he'd convinced her to misinform Iwasaka regarding the direction of their research, Homura knew things would need to be done differently. The plans he had for the HiME serum required certain types of samples, samples that could be readily attained through the pathology laboratories in the hospital. He came up with an idea; to put a clause in the research studies conducted throughout the hospital, a clause that would allow the harvest of excised biological material or unused blood samples for the nebulous purpose of 'research'. It required no explanation on his part, would allow him to gather what he wanted with no justification or point person, so long as the source of the material was actively enrolled in one of Fuuka Hospital's many research studies. It gave him the freedom he needed to do as he pleased with HiME.

He had an eye for talent among the staff of the hospital. He began assembling a team, the Research Team, of the most charismatic and articulate physicians in the hospital. It was an easy sell at Fuuka since they were so concerned with scholarship anyway. The latest addition to his pool was one Fujino Shizuru. He knew from the first he'd seen of her, she'd be useful. She had a way with people, they wanted to please her for reasons even they couldn't understand and she was incredibly capable. He'd been using her more and more. It was easy enough to maneuver her once she'd secured the position of Attending, to supersede her duties as a preceptor for any study that required surgery, because surgery required an Anesthesiologist and Fujino-sensei was an excellent one. Priority-wise, a First District owned hospital was more concerned with research than education. It really was too bad he'd yet to find an acceptable reason to pull in Kanzaki Reito, but explaining the necessity of having an Orthopedic Surgeon on the team would have been too difficult. For now, he was satisfied to use Fujino's charm, to put her at the forefront, talking with patients, securing their participation...entrenching herself deeper and deeper. Business was going well and he had enough samples to continue his experiments as he saw fit.

Homura had two completely separate paths for the HiME serum planned out. One was public, the tumor growth suppressant study funded by Iwasaka. Malignant or otherwise, diseased samples were passed along to the researchers and chemists working on that project. However, another was very much his own pet. Kuga's earlier studies with other versions of HiME and mice had shown some unexpected and interesting results on the control and test groups. He was interested in both. With his access to sick patients and his reserving healthy tissue samples for himself, Homura continued his work after hours when the majority of the lab had left for the day. There were so many avenues to explore with it.

Fuuka itself was an experiment for him. Maybe he would take the whole system to a major medical center where he'd have greater access to samples, to patients, to recruits. In any case and whatever direction he took, he was well on his way with it now.


	6. Plums, Nao, and Adventures

**Narrative #6: Death and Plums  
Date: October 17, 2013 ... a Thursday**

I sat on the stairs behind the hospital, shaded by the large cement structures that flanked them, listening to the message on my phone yet again.

" _Your father passed away. Do not take this to mean you should return. The items he wished you to have will be shipped to you."_

My mother's voice sounded exactly as it had the last time I'd seen her. I would assume she looked the same as well. She never seemed to age. How long had it been since I'd seen them? Ten years or so? They were a memory now.

I replayed it as soon as the message ended, attempting to grasp its reality. My father... he was gone. As it had been since the day I left, I would be reminded of him every time I saw my own face, eyes more red than brown, light hair that needed convincing to behave, except that now I would also be all that remained of these things. How long had I been existing in a world without him? The message was left three hours ago. I had not been able to check it until lunch. Was he sick? An accident, something sudden? I did not know. I knew nothing of his life for the past decade and he knew nothing of mine. The ceremony, the traditions to honor his passing, they would take place without me. Maybe they had already.

My father had doted on me, came close to spoiling me much to my mother's annoyance. We had been so very close when I was younger, we loved each other so much…were so alike. Reconciliation was not something I had hoped for, but somehow the idea that it was impossible cut me. Crying would be the appropriate response, but I knew I would not. I had not cried in years. Wasn't I supposed to be happy that his spirit had moved on? Celebrating his life? The unfinished and the unspoken doubled back on me though. At this moment, it was difficult to understand what I felt, unbalanced maybe, as one might feel without adequate sleep, slightly nauseous and heavy.

The thoughts that kept randomly surfacing over the past few weeks, they came rushing back as I thought of him on these steps. The feelings and thoughts chasing me, were they some manifestation of a slivered connection that still held? Perhaps he had been dying that entire time, his illness drawing out that which I buried, amplifying it. It was all tied to the reasons why we'd been parted in the first place, to the daughter he thought I was. But she was so far from my current truth that I thought of her as someone else entirely.

I knew my choices would not be acceptable, I always knew that even while I was making them. It was too easy and I was too self-indulgent to stop myself. I seemed to acquire a fan club that followed me, that let me, wanted me, to do whatever I wished with them, or to them rather. It had never been about love, or what I thought was love, not until I met her.

She was different and never followed me like the others. She barely even smiled at me and the challenge of it, of a beautiful girl who kept looking at me when she thought I would not notice, but brushed me off was consuming. She was troubled, had a sort of cloud-like sadness that hung about her. For some reason, that added to her appeal, but I should have paid more attention to it.

There was a fundamental thing I had not understood then, that the type of possessive love I felt for her blinded me. It made me unconcerned with her feelings because my own were all I could see, so much so that I thought mine were hers. When I looked at her, I did not recognize that what I saw was truly a reflection and not another person. I wanted her to feel exactly as I did, wanted it so badly that I thought it was the truth. I kept pushing and pushing, subtly, quietly… too long hugs, touches, innuendos, things meant to make her notice me in that way. The words that I spoke to her, that she was _mine_ …they seemed romantic at the time, but I could see now they had a darkness to them. I had not meant them as some lovers do, as an expression of the connection between us. I meant them too literally. I could not see that she was not okay with what was happening and I just kept moving us ahead, drowning in the singular feeling that being with her gave me. It was the first time in my life I'd ever felt that way and I took it to such an extreme place. It was also the first time that my emotions reached the point that I could no longer hold them back. Love for me, was as if everything inside me had been waiting for the opportunity to explode outward.

I did not understand what I had done until it began to crumble. It was not until then, that I saw any of the torment she felt over our affair. The words she'd said when we parted, the rejection was so forceful… _possessive, obsessive, too much_... that I did not know how to love another person … that I'd dragged her into something she never wanted, manipulated her because she needed someone. I was supposed to be a friend, her only friend, I'd violated that, I'd hurt her. I had stood there while she shouted at me in the flower garden behind campus, my face closed. I never heard from her again, but someone must have overheard us.

The information spread like wildfire across the student body. The taunts, the teases, the cruel jokes… they were relentless and nearly always directed at her. I was left alone for the most part. Even when I defended her, put others down for being so careless with their words, loose with their tongues, the bullying always remained focused on her. It was as if no one could believe I was a part of it, let alone the cause of it. She came to school less and less, and a month later I heard that she took her own life. It was my senior year of high school.

My mother had been the one to tell me of her death. She was calm, though her eyes were not, and she was adamant that my father never find out. She had used the girl's death as an allegory for the perils of the path I was choosing as if she believed the story she'd crafted as well, as though I were some tempted innocent. She'd told me that if I intended to remain a part of this family I was to act properly…that I should understand my responsibility in her death, that my recognizing this was necessary. It was meant as a lesson to me. My mother had been the practical side of the marriage, of raising me, very much about presentation… appearances… tradition…training. Her logic was always something I'd admired, but in this instance, her cool rationalism divorced me from her emotionally. I wondered how much of her coldness was in me, that I could see and intellectually agree with her reasoning at all frightened me and I stopped speaking to her.

The rumors picked up speed after what happened, people never stopped talking about it, whispering about it each time I passed in the hallway. My refusal to do almost anything to defend my reputation in the aftermath of her death began the estrangement between my parents and me. It could have been a scandal for my family. My mother and my father had always been concerned with status, though for different reasons. They were neither wealthy nor were they poor, but the goal was always to appear as though we wanted for nothing, that I lacked nothing. Our family name, though not overly prominent, was known and respected. With how deeply my mother had ingratiated herself to those who mattered, how skilled she was in influencing the thinking of others, how well I had followed suit, she had been able to salvage it all. People who thought they knew me, knew my family, did not want to believe I was involved with such a shameful event. My mother used that to her advantage, turned the story on its end, made people believe that the girl had become obsessed with me, that I had valiantly tried to dissuade her of such affections, that she was delusional, that my rejection of her lead to her actions. In her lies, she absolved me completely of something I did not wish to be absolved of. The whole experience was…numbing.

I threw myself into my schoolwork with the smile she'd taught me and polite words that meant nothing. I honored my family as best I could, pretended nothing had happened as did my mother, pretended that I'd never been anything but what they wanted while inside I felt undone by a swirling restlessness that had to be wrestled into submission constantly. Honoring my family felt dishonorable to the memory of the girl I'd ruined and I had thoughts of leaving my life, of running somewhere far away. I could not even attempt dating a man, not even for my parent's sake. I had no interest in it. After what had happened, it was a long while before I felt interested in anything. The distance from my family became greater and greater. My mother and I became strangers who lived together and my relationship with my father became a continuous parade of lying smiles and jests.

When I left Kyoto, it was permanently and I have never been back. The first holiday that I intended to return home I could not bring myself to. I could not see the places I had taken that girl or kissed or talked with her, not anymore. I did not wish to see anyone, except my father, but it became impossible. My absence at family events, my lack of participation needed to be explained and I wondered what my mother would do with it. My answer came when I returned from classes one day to find my personal effects had been shipped to my apartment near Gauderobe. A note explained that I was forbidden from communication with my father from then on. I lost his surname as well and was given something I thought of as my severance package, a tidy little sum of money that kept me in school while I worked at procuring some scholarships and saving from various part-time jobs I'd held over the years.

The story would be that I'd become a medical volunteer. The enchanting tales of Shizuru Viola and her selfless volunteerism in the far reaches of Africa or South America abounded throughout the family. I never lifted a finger against any of it, never fought it because I would not win and because it felt, deserved I suppose. I never much saw the point in fighting for anything, something that at this moment struck me as quite sad. She went so far as to write letters in my name, sending me copies of each. I suppose her purpose was to cover herself on the off chance I ever came across someone who knew me before, to keep me current. The latest had me in Africa, pregnant and married to a Japanese gentleman who happened to be a selfless volunteer as well. She had not allowed me the small rebellion of marrying a foreign man. My mother's own little coup with my father was enough intrigue for a lifetime.

He was only mostly Japanese, the rest was Italian. Viola apparently meant 'violet' in that language, or referred to the musical instrument. I had always liked the flower translation better, but that was a moot point as it was no longer my name. I did not know where Fujino came from as it had simply appeared on a legal change of name form that arrived with my belongings. The scenarios my mother concocted gave me an entertained, but empty feeling. Her version of me, wrote as if she were dreamed up to star in some romance novel, was absurd, and yet I saw shades of who I could be inside it. I would not allow myself anger over it.

In the wake of what happened, the best option would have been for me never to be involved with anyone, but I was too selfish for that. The problem for me was that I loved other girls, had always loved them, shame and guilt aside. I loved their bodies, their eyes, their voices. I loved loving them, in every sense that such a statement could be taken. I found rare solace in sensual pleasure, but how I allowed myself to experience it, was as hollow as I felt. I slept only with silly, giggling girls who sought me out because I was a novelty to them, a curiosity made flesh. It was a natural and comfortable role for me, flirting, smiling, seducing. Their beguiling, care-free Onee-sama…I excelled at it, shameful as that may be. I still do. It would seem that's what I was built for.

When I somehow managed to hurt a few of them just by being with them, the rare girls who wanted more than I was willing to give, I worried that there was something vital missing inside me. That there was some feeling I did not have the capacity for that made me the way that I was, that ultimately I caused pain for no other reason than that it was my nature…the coldness. Where I succeeded with relative ease in every other area of my life, romantically I floundered due to what I would call a combination of my objectionable desires and objectionable character. Haruka, with her absolute surety of right versus wrong, had been the one to give voice to these fears when she walked in on me, saying to me all the things I had deserved for years now, and it is her voice in my head I hear even now… _unforgivable_.

It was an apt description, but it is not who I want to be as a person. I disappoint myself constantly. The things that I truly want, they are impossible. They are silly storybook ideals… like redemption, like the pure sort of love I'd seen occasionally in others, like being a kind-hearted person. In the context of my life, I could not even imagine what those things would look like. What I had done to that girl, it seemed beyond any notion of second chances so there seemed little reason to risk trying.

When I began my specialty in Anesthesiology, I began to seek companionship in people who I thought would be difficult to hurt, rather than the laughing girls who followed me. People who were like Yohko, people who were warm and unaffected by me. I went to clubs, was still the same woman I'd made myself at Gauderobe, still had the same sort of people flocking to me, but now I was much more careful with them. It became about flirting with them rather than sleeping with them and I deprived myself of that where such girls were concerned. Instead, it was a fun little game, a bit of escapism. It was a play where I acted, pretended I was comfortable and confident, pretended I felt no shame in my unquenchable, unfixable desires.

Somehow, my feelings and my concerns over rightness and wrongness never extended to others. I very much felt their lives were their own and it remains of no consequence to me what another chooses. My feelings about myself were and are very separate.

Did I need to go inside soon? How long had it been? How long had I been wandering in my own mind? I looked at the phone in my hand, at the time. Unable to stop myself, I listened to the message again.

My thoughts sprinted to where they left off immediately. My father more than likely was quite proud of the mission-minded Shizuru who traveled the earth, whose existence had been rewritten to suit a proper family. What I was, it would profoundly disappoint him and so it was better to let him believe in the pretty stories my mother made. It was better this way, for me not to be involved, it was better he died thinking I was something I was not. It was better and it saddened me that I could not fully believe that.

A flick of color in my peripheral vision distracted me. I turned my head and saw Kuga-han plop herself down on the flat slab above me, kicking her shoes off. She would not have been able to see me from the direction she'd come. Part of me wanted to slip away quietly, knowing now was not the best time to engage her in conversation, but the larger part was still fascinated by the sight of her and wanted nothing but distraction, _unforgivable._ I let myself fall into the familiarity of observing her, into the pleasant distraction of picking out details. A small steel box was placed by her side. She reached into it and pulled out something red, a strawberry, bringing it to her lips and tossing the top into a trash can in the courtyard with impressive accuracy. Her silver lightning bolt headphones were blaring. A tight black half-zip pullover of some athletic material covered her, zipped to her chin. I watched her push off her socks, wiggling her toes against the cool breeze, surprised she would do so in the fall air. Her legs were bent and her toenails were painted a deep blue, a tattoo visible on her left foot. As if sensing my gaze, she turned and looked down, opening her eyes and wiping at her lips self-consciously, slowly... with two fingers.

A day could not go by without me thinking of her. I truly prayed she was as uninterested in women, in people, as she seemed to be. I did not want hope to cling to. Where I was so very good at masking myself in other situations, what I felt for her I was finding, uncommon as it was, nearly impossible to curb. I could not seem to prevent myself from hanging on every ounce of feeling her presence drew from me, revisiting our interactions, because it was only the second time in my life I'd ever felt anything remotely like this. I realized it terrified me at the same time that it attracted me. For her part, I doubted that she even thought of me outside of seeing me, which was for the best.

"Fu-...Shizuru-san. Hey." I had not expected her to speak first, or without her usual gruffness.

The tone was in no way animated but lacked some of the forcefulness she was becoming notorious for. She nodded to me as she reached into the box again and pulled out a small, round piece of fruit about the size of a mandarin. It was a deep purple, almost black... a plum. It looked quite ripe, the skin shining and taut. I dearly hoped she was not planning to eat that in front of me. I did not know how what my face would show.

"Hello, Natsuki-han." I answered, a pathetically small smile all I could offer. "What a nice surprise. I did not think anyone else came out here." I stood up and walked over, sitting down near her on the cement.

She reacted very much like an animal cornered. Her back curled a bit, arms drawn close to her torso, all subconsciously for protection. If I was honest, I did want to be near to another person right now and this was the closest I would allow myself…two feet away from a gorgeous woman who would rather I was not there. The situation had a tragic sort of humor.

"It's quiet." She said, pulling her headphones down to her neck, lifting her hair from it, and letting it fall carelessly as it captured bits of sunlight.

"Yes, it is." I looked away on purpose, catching sight of her naked feet. They were small, like her hands.

Her eyes kept looking toward me, full-on and then away. "Is that why you're out here?"

I looked toward the ground, it was the reason and it was not at all the reason. "I suppose I needed some fresh air." She hummed in response, which I took for an agreement. "It can be rather stressful being new. I hope you are finding the hospital to your liking." It was easy enough to make conversation, even with how I felt and the fact that she was not very interested in it. I was used to making small talk.

"Yeah, it's fine." She answered quickly, staring back out onto the grounds.

"Reito-han is treating you well?"

"He's okay." I smiled at the response. "Are you hungry?"

"Hm?" I gave her a quizzical look, distracted by the sweeping calm I felt in her presence. I wondered if I could wrap it around me, pull it tight enough that none of my distress could break through. I had such strange thoughts around her.

"Here." She tossed me the fruit in her hand and I barely caught it, running my thumb over the slightly rubbery skin, the indentation that ran down one side.

"Ookini," I said quietly, unsure why she would give it to me at all, though it was a nice gesture certainly.

"We have a plum tree." _Who is 'we'?_ I wondered. "There aren't that many left. It's late for them, but Alyssa picked that this morning." I studied the nearly perfect sphere, turning it over in my hand. "It's washed." She added.

"This is very sweet of both of you, please thank her for me." It would be nice if her sister and I could do another trade at some point. I wanted to see if she had any other drawings of the woman beside me and I had to return her book.

"Sure." She blushed lightly, grabbing another strawberry, biting at it delicately with white teeth. I should've gone back inside but could not will myself to move.

Instead, I studied the plum in my hand, such a deep purple. "What a gorgeous color."

Her eyebrow rose and the beginnings of a rather adorable grin twitched at the corner of her mouth. When she spoke, her tone was dry. "Yeah, it's a good looking plum." So, she had a sense of humor buried beneath her frowns…

"It would seem you are fond of fruit," I commented, examining the metal box full of it.

She gave me an odd look and then stared at the gift still in my grasp with a look of regret. "You don't like fruit?"

I cocked my head. "No, I do. It is a shared fondness."

"Oh." She answered, grabbing another berry. "That's good."

I looked over at her. "Was Natsuki-han thinking of asking for her plum back just now, I wonder?"

"No." It was said with a seriousness that I could not help but find amusing.

"Oh," I said. "That's good."

She glared at me as I repeated her words back to her and it brought me a strange relief, eased the churning in my abdomen. I wondered if I could control myself, if I could make this a friendship and nothing more, would it mean I was not an entirely hopeless case? Would it mean I could keep even a little of the peace I felt around her?

I had the inexplicable desire to tell her of my father's passing, but it was something I knew I would tell no one, just as I had told no one about being cut off or what had happened with that girl. I would never press such things upon those I considered friends, let alone a woman who was still close to a stranger. Natsuki-han only responded to my painted on smile with a look of cautious curiosity. I had always been excellent at appearing as though I needed nothing and so I sat there silently beside her for another minute or so, eyes closed as if enjoying the sun, letting myself believe that I was not completely alone because she was there... because we were aware of each other's existence. It came very close to feeling true.

When I did open them, I saw the plum in my grasp. I hadn't eaten lunch and it did look rather tasty, so I bit carefully into it, unsurprised to find it quite ripe. Gentling my lips, I hoped to prevent the indignity of having the juice run down my chin. I did not expect to find Natsuki-han's eyes fixed on me, on my mouth moreover. There was the most unusual expression on her face, almost as though I'd horrified her. I did not know what to make of it.

**Digression #6: Yuuki Nao  
Date: October 24, 2013 ... A Thursday**

Nao didn't care if they wanted to mess up their lives. If there was one thing she believed, it was that everything was a choice. Everyone had the God-given right to fuck up their existence completely if that was what they 'chose'. What was starting to get on her nerves was the slowness of it. It was a bomb going off in whatever was slower than slow motion. The Kuga-Tate saga was an epic at this point, too long to read and she was bored to tears with it. She'd thrown the damn book in the corner a long time ago, even before they'd broken up. If Kuga wanted to become some sad little hermit, moping over her lost 'best friend' for the rest of her life, who was she to argue? If Tate wanted to pretend Kuga never existed, drown himself in alcohol, marry that pink-haired idiot and ignore the fact that he still had a serious hard-on for Tokiha...well he could do that too. Mai was, in fairness, choosing to ignore the situation too, just like she was choosing to be blissfully unaware that her precious little brother was as gay as the day is long or whatever the hell you called what he was doing.

Nao made choices too. She chose to forget about her friend's weird-ass pseudo-love triangle and focus on her own life. It wasn't that she didn't like them, she liked them fine, cared about them if she felt like being honest. She even hung out with Tate now and then. He was good fun when he was tanked. It really was just the slowness, the mind-numbing slowness. The pace of their lives was killing her. She wanted something to happen, for Tate to break off his ridiculous sham of an engagement and bang the hell out of Tokiha or better yet something unexpected. Tate hooking up with Takumi, that would shake things around a bit. She'd given up on Kuga. God knows the girl wouldn't do anything interesting. She hadn't done anything interesting in years. In fact, she seemed hell-bent on injecting as much boringness into her life as possible, but something… fucking anything, instead of this stagnant existence they'd all fallen into. Was a bit of goddamn chaos too much to ask for? Everyone was always okay, but not happy, settled, but not satisfied, and wandering through their sad excuses for lives like a bunch of selfless morons.

She did have her own shit that she was ankle-deep in. School was like it always had been, an overcooked meal, flavorless and hard and impossible to like. Even with the years, she'd taken off to care for her mother through the first bout of sickness, it was still so unappealing. Grad school … what the hell was she thinking? Sure, she did well enough, but it was soul-crushing. Even her job at the bar, which she generally liked, was getting annoyingly redundant. Visiting her mother every few days was becoming torture too. She would read to her even though she probably couldn't hear her, then stop by the hospital chapel to pray, talk to that nun she loved to frighten to death with her made-up confessions. Nao's version of praying was angry, almost threatening, but she tried, tried to remember what it was like to be a child who believed as she tried to push away the suffocating guilt she felt at the growing part of her that just wished her mother would die already. There was a time she would have killed for the chance to keep her alive, one more day, one more hour, but it had been years. She wasn't getting better, she never would and the waiting was so painful and pointless. It was needless suffering for both of them. It was the same over and over, year after year. Everything was so painfully slow, each loss was like a fist in her stomach, her mother not being able to walk, to see, to talk, to respond, to do anything… a skeleton with a machine keeping her alive.

Her continued disillusionment with life in general, she considered it to be a blessing in some ways. It taught her not to waste a single thought on something as useless as love. Love never fixed anything… loving boys, loving God… it did nothing, couldn't save you. Romantic love was the worst, it was all give. Shoot her if she was ever caught walking around with that stupid smile on her face that people got, checking their phone every two seconds, sighing for no reason. Love didn't exist. Love was a lie people told each other so that they'd stay…so that they could forget that everyone is alone. She was glad she understood the truth. The most you could hope for was for someone not to jerk you around, not to fuck you over. Her friends still insisted on playing at love and she was there to call them out... to remind them that if they had to lie to themselves, the least they could do was be honest with someone else. It wasn't important what led her to such conclusions. She didn't want to squander her time by remembering the endless string of boyfriends, every single one of who said they loved her mother. They were always leering at Nao instead, hugging her too long, always staring, stealing shit from the house. If she left them out of it, taken out of the context of her 'love is bullshit' frame of reference, her stance could be misinterpreted. It almost sounded like she was just afraid to really let a guy see her, to trust and that was so idiotically romantic that she nearly threw up in her own mouth. It sounded like some crackpot explanation that Tokiha would come up, to make her life prettier, sunnier.

In high school, boys had been more money than anything else. She didn't have it and they did and all took was a girlish laugh, a smile, a light touch to their chest, drag her fingers just a little and they'd be handing it to her or she'd be helping herself to it while she distracted them with a kiss. She didn't want to do that anymore... had no interest in active deception and lied by omission only. Now, guys were for sex, a walking orgasm, just someone to control and take what she wanted from. She was upfront about it and most of them were happy with that. She fucked around with the odd guy here or there, got what she needed, and then kicked him out, let Tokiha and Kuga think whatever they wanted about her habits.

Fingering the cross that she always wore, the one that belonged to her mother, she expelled air through her nose as another thought came to her, a less welcome one. That damn kiss, the one she wasn't sure happened, a scrap of memory, Kuga's lips, and that infuriating dream that never faded. Like the girl would ever do those things. That would be the day, which was fine because she had no interest in tying up and fucking Kuga Natsuki or any other girl in the first place. It was a stupid goddamn dream, probably something she ate.

Goddamn, that girl just kept helping her. Kuga had dealt with her at her absolute worst, back in high school when depression had her in its chokehold. Those quack psychiatrists kept juggling and adjusting the antidepressants they had her on, playing with dosage, the type... causing every imaginable side effect. The moodiness, racing heart, anxiety, weight loss…all until she settled into a pool of indifferent numbness. That girl hadn't told a soul either, never told anyone about Nao's problems, not even Tokiha and Tate. They never knew because she asked her to keep it quiet. That girl was as loyal as a damn hunting dog, by her side through the whole thing. A loyal pup and the nickname stuck.

She'd helped her through when her mom got sick again too, for no reason other than that they were friends. Kuga made no fucking sense to her because she barely gave her anything back. She made fun of her, she put her down, she teased her… but goddamn, Kuga made it fun. She was so reactive, so angry, so serious that she couldn't help herself. Even aggravating Kuga was not enough to keep her boredom at bay permanently though.

At least Alyssa was there now. Sure the spunky little Brit was an art-nerd, but she was new and unexpectedly fiery. Plus she kept doing hilariously subversive teenage things that made Kuga have these twitchy little meltdowns. Nao found herself looking forward to what she thought would happen ten minutes from now, to the moment when Kuga realized the kid had snuck out. God, it was gonna be good. Not to mention the alcohol-laden, jam sessions she'd been having in the basement with her band geek friends. Yes, Nao loved having Alyssa around.

"I'm gonna start charging you rent for that couch." The sound of a fridge shutting broke the redhead from her thoughts. In walked the raven-haired woman, with some thick green liquid sloshing unattractively in a glass.

"You should be paying me. I'm the one who has to watch you drink that damn swamp sludge." She crossed her legs at the thigh, testing the sharpness of her nails against the pad of her thumb. Maybe she could convince Alyssa to paint them again. "It's making your teeth yellow."

"Idiot." She watched the woman sit on the couch, scratching her beloved pet who, as per usual, had been trying his damnedest to sneak onto Nao's lap. What that crazy dog found so appealing about her in particular, she didn't know. Maybe he liked a girl that played hard to get.

Her lip curled as Natsuki let him lick her hand. "Gross Kuga."

There was a grin on those lips that contradicted her glare, a glare that turned into a look of confusion. Five, four, three, two…

"Oi… have you seen Alyssa?" Green eyes narrowed suspiciously as a slow smirk covered Nao's mouth. She dropped her hands from Duran's soft fur. "Nao,"

"What?"

"Where is she?"

The redhead scoffed disinterestedly. "How should I know?"

The eyebrow was starting … up, down, up, down… clenched teeth and a perverse sort of glee filled the woman watching.

"Damn it!" The other woman plopped her glass down, standing up, that raw sewage of a drink swirling. "I'm going for a ride."

Having prepared for such an event, Nao dangled the other woman's bike keys, with a decidedly evil smile. "Like hell you are. She's seventeen! She's supposed to be doing shit like this."

Ooh, balled up fists? Already? So easy tonight. "Nao! Give me the damn keys!"

The other woman yawned, pulled her shirt forward, and tucked the keys inside her bra. They were colder than she thought they'd be, but she was pleased with how well she held it together, not even a shiver. The other woman emitted a soft growl. She draped her hands gracefully over the back of the couch, winking.

"Come and get 'em pup."

The frustrated burst was going to music to her ears, boredom erased, mission accomplished. That was how it was supposed to go, but nothing. She stared at the woman who set her jaw, no redness, anger suddenly down to a slow simmer. With alarming speed, she found her arms held strongly above her head, a warm, firm body against hers, and steady fingers quickly brushing against her breast. Her heart nearly exploded.

"You're such an ass." Was the last thing she heard before the front door slammed and she remembered to breathe. The Shiba Inu that had barely moved up to this point, seized the opportunity to lay his head on her lap.

What…the fuck…was… that?

**Aside #6: The Amazing Adventures of Shizuru Viola** _(Item)_

_Mother,_

_The conditions here are much tougher in the summer months. The heat is nearly unbearable, but Tomatsu has been working tirelessly with the men in the village to patch the huts with fresh mud. The efforts seem to be making at least a small difference, providing shade and some degree of comfort. Tell Papa, my husband has become a hunter, that only yesterday he and the men speared not two, but three boars that have handsomely fed the entire village. Truly I have found my match in him, such admirable devotion to our cause. A fresh shipment of malaria vaccine has arrived from the American Red Cross and it has made all the difference. I am starting with the children for obvious reasons, though it pains me to see the suffering of the others. In the repaired huts farthest from the village center, Tomatsu and I have set up a 'hospital' of sorts to in which to relegate the sick. There is precious little I can do, but they seem comforted by my attentions nonetheless. Mosquito nets have been graciously donated by the French Military and delivered by the soldiers I mentioned in my last letter. Though they have not contained the disease, a dream I realize is still far off, it has slowed the spread. I've taken to teaching the children a few Japanese words here and there. It amuses them, the foreignness of the sounds._

_I have news, though I am loathed to share it so early… we are pregnant Mother. I do wish I were not half a world away… but you know what this mission means to Tomatsu and me, how far we've already come, so I know you'll understand why I must stay. I miss the both of you terribly and at times, am overcome with longing for the comfort of my home. Tell Papa that I think of him often and that my love for both of you keeps my resolve strong when the hopelessness that has taken so many threatens._

_Your loving and dutiful daughter,  
Shizuru Viola_


	7. Popular, Mai, and Gym War

**Narrative #7: Popular for All the Wrong Reasons**   
**Date: October 30, 2013 ... a Wednesday**

I sat at my desk, a warm tea held loosely in my grip. I closed my eyes, bringing the cup to my lips with my bottom hand. It was perfectly steeped. For once, there was enough time to make it correctly. I still had not completely settled from the news of my father's passing. It disappointed me that I was handling it so poorly, letting so many thoughts escape that I should not. I'd spent the week herding them, soothing them, putting them back where they belonged. Thankfully, I had regained most of my equilibrium, the depression lessened, my concerns dampened but still, I was not quite myself. Before I could savor another sip, a loud knock jarred me from my wonderings.

"So, this is what you do up here?" A familiar form was standing in the partially open doorway, posture rigid.

"Good morning, Haruka." I placed the cup gently back down on my desk. "Would you like some tea?"

"I guess I have a minute." I stood, ruing the loss as I poured the rest into a second cup for her.

"Is there something I can assist you with?" I began, sitting back down, folding my hands and resting them on the surface in front of me.

"It's about one of the Residents."

"Oh? Which one?"

"Marguerite." That did not surprise me. The young woman, Tomoe-han, was quite intelligent, but also somewhat lost, much as I had been at that age. Seeing her was remembering myself as a young adult, an uncomfortable reflection of sorts. She actively sought my presence, which gave me cause to distance myself from her. In truth, any consideration of Tomoe-han was the last thing I desired right now, but it could not be avoided. "That girl just gets under my skirt!"

It was, perhaps, her best mix-up to date and it took quite a bit for me to contain my reaction. "Would you like to file a complaint?"

"Don't be stupid." I smiled cheerfully.

"Was there an incident?" I asked, becoming a bit more serious. If there had been, it would be something I needed to attend to.

"She got in a fight with Yumemiya." Haruka was uneasy, which was a rare thing indeed. It concerned me. In usual circumstances, she would have merely yelled at them. "I talked to them both, but Yumemiya was pretty upset."

"Not a physical altercation?" In all my years, I had never seen such a thing.

"No." She snorted. "I would've dragged them both out by their ears. Marguerite was with me when I went to cover Yumemiya's break. That girl did nothing but talk about you the whole time. 'Fujino-sensei said this', 'well Fujino-sensei does that'" I stared at her curiously and she bristled. "Anyway, Marguerite said something to Yumemiya as she leaving, I don't know what, but it was in the new Fellow's room."

"Kuga-sensei?"

"You met her?"

"I have had the pleasure, yes."

"The pleasure?" I smiled and she curled her lip. "Anyway, they started arguing back and forth and then the beast woman goes off and yells at them both to get out." I placed my hand over my mouth, covering my lips from her view. I could feel a deepening frown take them as her arms flew wildly in the air. "Then Kanzaki strolls in, so I gave him an earful about teaching his Fellow some manners." I felt the surprise on my face. What a scene that must have been. "Then Kuga starts barking at me, so we're arguing and she has the nerve to point her stupid, blood-soaked finger at me. Anyway, the bottom line is it all started with Marguerite. I'm filing a report on Kuga for yelling at them and I'm writing Marguerite up for starting it."

 _Of all the ridiculousness._ "You filed a report on Kuga-sensei?"

"I'm going to! She can yell at her own Residents. Yelling at the Anesthesia Residents is our job!" Her fist slammed powerfully on the arm of the chair, face pink with anger, and teeth clenched.

I was staring at her, wondering how far she intended to take this. "I will speak with both Arika-han and Tomoe-han."

"Good, we can use that for the report. HR is too easy on people though. They'll probably just make Kuga do sensitivity training. She needs it anyway, I guess."

"Haruka."

Violet-blue eyes narrowed. "What?"

"Did you not yell at her as well?"

"She yelled first. This is your job!" She stood up, raising her voice at me now. "You can't just sit here and drink your tea all day. You need to take care of this!"

I sighed as subtly as I could, willing myself to relax. It took more effort than I was accustomed to, everything did as of late. If I could convince her to wait on the report, it was likely she'd calm down enough to let it lie.

"She may choose to file a report against you in retaliation."

"She wouldn't dare."

I kept my voice even. "Why not? If she is as beastly as you claim, there is reason for some concern. Let me speak with Reito-han about this, first. You know, I cannot deal with Kuga-sensei directly. It wouldn't be proper." I added, playing to her values and it seemed to calm her. "Any repercussions would need to come from his end. Will you agree to wait on the report until I speak with him?"

She crossed her arms, glowering at me. "I'll leave it this time, but Kuga shouldn't be allowed to snap at people like that! It's disrespectful and Marguerite is a snake." She took her tea and swallowed it down aggressively. Though I did not necessarily disagree with her, I could hardly endorse reporting the fellow to HR given the circumstances. I tried to believe there was no bias on my part.

"Do you know anything at all as to what the disagreement concerned?"

"No, I said I didn't. What does that matter, Fujino?" This was problematic, as I could not very well deal with Tomoe-han's instigation if I had no proof of it in the first place. Certainly, it was not a question or whether or not she would, she had a sufficiently devious streak within her. Tomoe-han had done an excellent job of alienating the other Residents, small crimes and tiny manipulations that added up, more than anything overt. It would be best to speak with them individually I decided, but these were issues for later. "I just thought you should hear it from me." She grumbled.

I gave her an unusually earnest look. All that to get to this point. "I do appreciate that."

"It's not a favor Fujino." She answered, uncomfortable with my solemnity. Rising from the chair, she gave me one last look. "I just thought you should know is all."

"Ookini."

She gave me a nod before leaving. I exhaled slowly through my nose as she made her way down the hall, letting my eyes close. It looked as if I would have a bit of documentation to gather in the next few hours and some rather unpleasant meetings to arrange. Keeping focused was another task that I'd found disproportionately tiring.

Another loud knock sounded, I did not even look up. "Yes, Haruka?"

"Um, hey." My eyes opened and I saw a nervous, scrub-clad Natsuki in my doorway, fidgeting cutely.

"Natsuki-han?" She seemed surprised that I was surprised. I lifted myself, clearing Haruka's empty cup. It was with a touch of sadness I realized my own tea had likely become cold. What an unfortunate waste.

"You're in charge of the anesthesia Residents?"

I watched her, trying to read her mood, wondering at the lightness I felt as she entered. "Yes, have a seat, please."

"So, Armitage-sensei probably told you…"

I gave her a bit of a grin. "And how did you avoid her in the hall?"

"I didn't avoid her. I was just getting out the way." She turned her nose up and crossed her arms. So serious again and it was impossible to resist teasing her a little.

"Natsuki-han hid?" I smiled, stifling a laugh. "She is rather frightening."

"N-no!" She said, squirming in the chair. "Look, I came to say sorry, okay?" It was perhaps the most forceful apology I had ever heard. "Not about her, I'm not sorry about that." I tilted my head a bit. It would appear their dislike was mutual. "I'm sorry about your Residents. I shouldn't have yelled at them, but they shouldn't have been arguing like that in my case."

I became serious myself, not wanting to appear dismissive. She had a legitimate complaint. "I imagine with the types of cases you do and the amount of call a Trauma Fellowship entails, you must be physically exhausted. A petty argument would be quite frustrating."

"I didn't exactly handle it well." She said, clearly embarrassed.

I paused, considering how much liberty this woman would allow me. "Why say this to me and not to them I wonder?"

She looked to the side, a strand of hair from her ponytail falling in front of her face. "Because I didn't wanna make it worse." Shifting her jaw, she puffed a bit of air through her nose. "I don't always say things well."

I could tell she felt guilty, but there was something more there, a sadness, an aura of loneliness, disconnection… something like what had been crawling beneath my own skin. She was quiet for some time, staring at a woodblock print of the Kyoto countryside I had mounted on the wall. My father had bought it for me when I was younger, when we still spoke. Perhaps I should take it down.

"May I ask if either of the Residents said anything inappropriate to you specifically? Outside of the disturbance that was caused?"

"They were fighting with each other." She stared at me for a few moments, and as her mouth twitch the slightest amount, as though holding something back. "They didn't say anything to me." She said finally, after another beat of silence passed between us. I had the distinct impression there was more to the story.

I looked down at my desk, attempting to unravel why she was still sitting there, not that I minded. I was not certain what she was seeking. An unusual occurrence for me.

When I turned my eyes back to her, my breath arrested for a moment. The clouds outside must have parted because light from the window was suddenly spilling on her upturned cheek, making her skin glow a soft white, eyes sparkle, the strands of black that hung about her face shine. Helpless and annoyed at what felt a bit like the heavens conspiring against me, I fell into my usual examination of her. All four earrings were in today I noticed, two silver studs and two tight rings on the upper piercings. What fascinated me so much about them, I could not say, nor could I yet guess at what she was thinking, but her loveliness approached too much to bear in such close quarters.

"Is there anything I can do for you? Another reason you came to talk to me?" I asked, keeping my voice even.

She eyed me warily, then turned away as another bout of redness, much lighter this time, crept onto her cheeks. "No."

I smiled brightly at her, hiding my disappointment. What I had expected her to say, I did not know. Unsure, she made as if she intended to leave and I found myself at a loss for how to continue with so little being given in return.

Thankfully, she spoke. "There is one thing, Shizuru-san."

"Yes, Natsuki-han?" I turned my face up to meet her eyes, knowing the effect it would have on me but needing to see them nonetheless.

"I guess I wanted to say thanks …for talking with Alyssa the other day." I stared at her questioningly. "She just moved here…and she's shy."

"Much like her sister," I remarked, my expression neutral.

"I meant about her Japanese!" An aggravated sigh escaped her and she gave me a look that I would describe as exasperation.

"She should not be, she speaks very well," I answered. "And she was delightful company, quite talented." I hid the amusement I felt as I remembered the drawing.

I had expected some level of worry that I had perhaps seen a specific sketch, but there was nothing. I saw the confusion on her face and then it broke into the stern look I was used to seeing.

"She sang for you?" _Sang for me?_ I kept a smile firmly in place as my mind searched for a response. "Well anyway, sorry… again." She turned around to leave.

"I wish to extend an apology to you as well on behalf of the Residents for disrupting your case, it was not professional." I tried one more time. "but I did mean what I said before, that Natsuki-han should consider speaking with them."

She gazed at me for a good long while, taking the suggestion better than I expected her to, and I tried not to swallow under such alluring scrutiny. It was an attraction, I reminded myself and attraction could be controlled. "Yeah well, maybe I'll say something to that blue-eyed one." I was not overly surprised she was unaware of her name.

"Yumemiya Arika."

Her eyelids fluttered as if to dissipate some of her aggravation. "I'll think about it."

"Ookini." Again, she lingered in my doorway seemingly torn over whether to stay or go. "Perhaps, Natsuki-han should also consider sharing a lunch with me to make amends for the trouble we've caused one another."

A flash of shock swept across her face. "Share a lunch with you?"

"Do you not wish to, then?" I asked, letting the slightest hint of sadness color my words.

"Oi," Her eyes narrowed. "Don't put words in my mouth."

I restrained myself from saying what I wanted to, given the wonderful setup. "So, you do wish to have lunch?" I allowed a perplexed frown to creep onto my face as another flush took her.

Her eyes shut tightly as she scratched at her neck, almost as if she were trying to draw the blood from her cheeks. I felt my stomach flip as a small grin began to tug at one corner of her mouth. She glanced at me sidelong, jumping as her beeper went off. After peeking down at the object, she sighed, lifting her scrub top to slide it back into the holder at her waist. I tried not to look at the exposed, perfect bit of skin.

Green eyes turned back to mine. "Fine. Friday, noon?"

I gave her my best smile. "I will look forward to it."

Another shocked expression. "I gotta go." She made an odd, strained face as though stuck in a state of indecision. "Shizuru…nevermind."

"Natsuki-han has already started to say something, it would be cruel for her to leave me so unsatisfied." I would have been happy to listen to her force out bits of conversation for the remainder of the day; it was keeping my mind wonderfully distracted. Certainly, it was a much more appealing prospect than what I was anticipating my afternoon would be like.

She stared at me. "You never stop, do you? Teasing me is that much fun?"

I returned her gaze, irresolute on how to read her. Teasing was not out of the ordinary in my friendships, but was I teasing her too much? "Yes," I admitted.

She gave me something of a fierce glare, pushing her tongue against the side of her cheek and I nearly swallowed my own. With one of those superfluous hair flips, she left. I wondered why I forgot all the things I knew I should do or not do at the sight of her. A friendly lunch is all. It was a friendly lunch with a person I was attempting to get to know. I resolved to think less about it. A nod was thrown to Reito as she spotted him down the hall, her body language uniquely sheepish and indignant at once. Gracefully he came toward my office, steaming cups in both hands. I was quite popular for all the wrong reasons today.

He placed a paper cup of tea on my desk. "Mandarin."

"So thoughtful." I smiled at him, happy to have warm tea.

"I suppose you've heard." His tone was conspiratorial as he sat himself down.

"Haruka has already informed me, yes." I took a sip.

He looked back down the now-empty hall before facing me again. "And Kuga-san?"

"She came to apologize." In a rare unguarded moment, genuine surprise registered on his face.

"How interesting."

"So perhaps you can tell me what happened."

"Nothing too unusual. It was a difficult case, and with the Anesthesia Residents bickering, tempers flared. Not unexpected with Armitage and Kuga-san in the same room."

"Mm, no. Was anyone out of line?"

"All of them were, naturally." A small chuckle tumbled out of me.

"Is Natsuki-han truly that difficult to work with?"

"Natsuki-han." He repeated, eying me while taking a sip of his own tea, tapping his finger against the cup thoughtfully. I felt a slight blush touch my neck, which widened his smile. Ara, I was slipping. "She is quite talented, but not all that personable. Perhaps you might be willing to demonstrate proper bedside manner for her? I'm certain she would benefit from a few sessions under your private tutelage." My lips curved at the comment.

"Maybe she would rather Reito demonstrated?" I let my eyes fall closed for a moment as I took another sip of the well-made tea.

We sat in silent amusement until our gazes met.

"I suppose only Kuga-san could answer that, but I don't think it's the case." Likely he'd realized I found her maddeningly attractive from that first mischievous glance he'd sent me in the OR. I wondered if I was truly being obvious or if it was simply his perceptiveness.

"Would you say there is any cause for disciplinary action?"

"For the Residents? Personally, I believe speaking to them would be sufficient in this case, but certainly, you would be well within bounds to write them up if you deemed it necessary. There was no harm to the patient, but they were causing a minor disruption. As you've heard it was dealt with swiftly. Not in the most pleasant or appropriate of ways I'll admit."

"Haruka is threatening to file a report on her," I commented, changing the subject.

"That hardly seems fair. I will say, it appears as though Kuga-san and Armitage have a strong… personal dislike for one another."

I did pick up on that as well. "She seems willing to leave it alone, but I did tell her that we would have a consultation."

He looked at me and smiled with more gentleness than usual. I was certain he could sense my stress, but said nothing, which I was thankful for. "A consultation?" He placed his cup down. "That is best done over lunch if you would be so gracious as to allow me the pleasure of your company."

I gave him a knowing looking. "Such lines should be saved for a better audience."

"Beauty is beauty, Shizuru."

"Speaking of which, we have not been to Mai-han's shop in some time." Again, a slightly surprised face and then a laugh as the two of us left my office, him handing me my jacket.

He stopped before we stepped out of the doorway. "I hope you will not find this too forward." For some reason, his tone called my attention to how close we were standing. "May I make a suggestion?"

I smiled at him curiously. "You do not need my permission."

"Marguerite-san." His finger rested at his chin.

He seemed unusually solemn, which gave me pause. "Yes?"

"Perhaps it would be best if Armitage were there when you speak with her."

I was confused and caught off guard. "Haruka…"

"Would be the most appropriate choice." He finished.

"Does Reito not trust me with my own Residents?"

He laughed softly, but uncomfortably, which was quite out of character. "In this case, it is not _your_ intentions that concern me Shizuru."

**Digression #7: Tokiha Mai**   
**Date: May 11, 2012 ... a Friday**

It had taken years for her to get the shop on its feet. Sometimes it still surprised her to look at the counters, the display cases, the understated décor and think it was hers, that she had built it, moreover that she had succeeded. She rested the broom against the wall in the corner and smiled at Mikoto as she bounced about washing down all the surfaces with her inexhaustible brand of enthusiasm. The girl was like a gift really, appearing out of nowhere with everything Mai hadn't known she needed in her life, like the adoring little sister she'd never had. The adoring little sister who gave slightly inappropriate hugs. Her face was perfectly level with two of Mai's more obvious assets, which she took as an invitation for nuzzling into them. It was…odd, but she meant nothing by it and the older woman didn't have the heart to reprimand her. That aside, it was as close to a miracle as anything she'd seen.

"Looks good Mikoto!" She said cheerfully.

She placed a white box on the far table. It contained one chocolate tort she'd baked especially for Tate, well not so much for him as for Natsuki. She smiled to herself. It was worth the awkwardness of him coming in today, the weird conversations full of unexplained pauses and reasonless tension they so often had because she understood he was planning something special and she had a fairly good idea what it was. Her friends had been together for too long already. It was about time as far as was concerned. He'd even been thoughtful enough to come to her and ask for the favored dessert. It was sweet really. He could be very sweet. He was genuinely a good person even if he had an uncanny ability to try every last one of her nerves. She sighed, remembering their sad attempt at dating. His sweetness was nowhere to be found then, she was able to drive every last bit of it out of him just by opening her mouth. Most of her attempts at dating were a fiasco. She had lamented the situation to Natsuki once when she was feeling particularly down, who had suggested that her problem was she automatically liked every guy when she first met them, gave them too much slack. She had 'no asshole alarm' was Nao's rephrasing of Natsuki's thoughts. How was she supposed to fix that though?

Sighing she told herself the things she always did, that one day she was going to find someone who cared enough to know what she liked. One day, she'd find someone like Mikoto's older brother who was so obviously taken. She sighed, of course, he was. He was a good-looking, charming doctor. It stood to reason he'd be dating a woman like Fujino-sensei. They came in together all the time, smiling and laughing, so comfortable with each other. They seemed like a lovely couple. Maybe she would just ask Mikoto about it, maybe one day.

She'd spent her life caring for other people...Takumi, his roommate, her friends... making sure everyone was fed, happy, always working long hours, two jobs, then building her shop. Mai honestly liked taking care of people, felt suited for it, liked being busy, but the older she got, the more obvious it became that taking care of people to the extent that she did, staying busy to the extent she did had its consequences. It wasn't as if she had nothing to show for her efforts. She was a small business owner, a thought which tickled her and filled her with pride, especially when she thought of the cart she'd started with. Now that everyone was settled, everyone was grown up, everyone had a life, and the shop was practically running itself, she found that she hardly knew what to do with her time. She was left alone with the things inside her that needed care... the emotions, the wants.

She couldn't believe it had taken her this long to feel like she was ready to devote some serious effort to meeting someone worthwhile...like there wasn't so much to do that she couldn't stop. Along the way, maybe since high school even, she'd become the 'mother' of the group. She frowned at how unattractive a thought it was. Who wanted to date the 'mother'? That type of thinking was the exact opposite of what she would need to find someone. No more negative thinking!

Briefly, she checked her reflection in the window. She was still young, she was cute and men liked a woman who could cook, didn't they? It was almost summer besides, summer was the season for love. Maybe… no definitely… this year would be the year. Her closest friends would get engaged and she would have someone worth taking to their wedding, a goal. Nodding to herself, she glanced at the cat-shaped clock on the wall that Mikoto loved so much. He was supposed to be here in ten minutes with what she expected to be a shell-shocked Natsuki in tow to celebrate. It was a surprise, so she'd dimmed the lights.

"Mai,"

"Lemme guess, you're hungry. Sorry, Mikoto, but you can't eat that."

"Mmm no." The girl giggled. Not hungry, huh? That might be a first.

"Then what?"

"Tate's outside." Was he early?

Curious, she grabbed the cake box, walking through the darkened room, weaving through chairs that were already all pushed into tables, and placed a hand on the glass door.

"Tate!" She heard from outside and watched as he turned, eyes strange as he looked back down the sidewalk. His gaze was noticeably upset. "Yuuichi, wait." The raven-haired girl stood some six feet away from him. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out what looked like a ring and Mai stiffened.

The eyes of the two people outside locked and his voice shook as he spoke, it was so low and cold. "Right now. Yes or no."

Mai couldn't move, she was more uncomfortable than she'd ever been in her life. The redhead was trapped just behind the glass, trapped in the darkness by the intensity that was sparking between them. Air thickening tension snapping between people she loved, one whose face was a mask of anger, the other close to tears.

"Jesus Yuuichi, not like this..."

"YES." His voice rose, interrupting, teeth and eyelids clenching. "Or no?" _God, if she could be anywhere else in the world…_

He seemed to shrink before he spoke again, his tone strained. "Damn it Natsuki! What are we even doing anymore?! If you're never gonna do it, just say 'no' now." It was one of the few times she'd heard them call each other by their names.

The redhead watched in disbelief as the girl she'd known for years, who had never, in their time together been without this man, returned his stare with more emotion than she'd seen her display in the entirety of their friendship.

It hurt to see a single tear escape from green eyes. "No."

Her eyes widened at the pain on his face, the shifting of his jaw. _No?_ _No?_ But, that was impossible. Natsuki and Tate were Natsuki and Tate… she barely knew them as anything else. He looked as young as the day she'd met him and just as uncomfortable, stock-still and speechless.

He slowly closed his hand over the ring, jammed both fists into his pockets, and turned away.

Their extreme agitation was pulling at her forcefully, making her stomach lurch and he was so defiantly sad as he left...living heartache. Reaching out, she touched the window.

"Yuuichi," She whispered to herself, lost in her thoughts.

Time seemed to rush back in and she pulled the door open. A single moment and so much had just changed. Mikoto peered at her from inside the shop, her yellow-brown eyes dancing worriedly.

"Natsuki," The girl was standing, with a hand clutched in her dark hair, a look of utter confusion on her face.

"Mai. What ..." The sounds were small, hard to hear in that distinctive deep voice. Those big, bright eyes fixed on the white box in her hand. She knelt slowly and placed the box on the ground, afraid it might spook her. Standing, she wiped her hands one more time, taking off the apron. Walking her inside, she folded her friend into her arms.

It looked like there would be someone who needed tending to after all.

**Aside #7: The Gym War** _(Background)_

As with most businesses, Fuuka Hospital offered discounts to its employees. One of the most frequently utilized of these perks was a reduced-price gym membership. It was the only such offer that Kuga Natsuki had any interest in. She usually preferred to run outdoors, but the treadmill was an acceptable substitute when the weather kept her in. On occasion, she'd lift weights, but not to build her muscle...what she had she was happy with. She valued speed over bulk always.

It started as a coincidence. There were no other treadmills available, so she'd taken the one next to that cranky blonde Anesthesiologist. As she began to increase the speed, she'd seen the subtle sideways glance, the one given to see how fast another person was running. It hadn't bothered her initially. She'd only turned her music up louder, keeping her eyes straight ahead. It continued with the other woman adjusting her speed. It sounded faster, but how much faster was the question? The tickle of annoyance that upset her focus, that was what made her peek. It was one step higher than hers. With a smirk, she hit the button on hers twice, adjusting her stride and bringing the volume down to listen for a beep. It came nearly immediately and the irritation returned. Pacing herself, she waited until the end of the song, letting her legs stretch a bit before increasing the speed again. If the woman wanted to race, she was certainly up for it. She was the slightest bit taller, her musculature was leaner and so she was reasonably sure she could run faster. Her assumption had proved correct, much to the huffing, breathless frustration of the woman beside her. She'd felt deeply satisfied by her run until she caught sight of the other woman performing pull-ups in the far corner with no assist.

From there, it escalated. They would leave the weights on whatever they used, the incline where it was, the speed higher and higher. A gauntlet was thrown. It became entertainment for the Residents who frequented the gym. In the self-conscious tracking of their superiors, they'd begun to notice the competition, and one Yumemiya Arika had taken to recording the winner in each category by general consensus. Advantages began to be tallied. A silent war, never openly acknowledged, was waged two to three days a week, spectators taking sides. It was a legendary lunchtime conversation among the third years and more and more of them began to frequent the gym in hopes of catching the two in action. Focused as they were on beating each other, they never noticed the attention.

**Stats per Arika's Notes:**

_Height: Advantage Natsuki_   
_Weight: Advantage Haruka_   
_Treadmill: Advantage Natsuki_   
_Elliptical, high speed: Advantage Natsuki_   
_Elliptical, high resistance: Advantage Haruka_   
_Free Weights: Advantage Haruka_   
_Bench Press: Advantage Haruka_   
_Abdominal Floor Work: Advantage Natsuki_   
_Bike: Advantage Natsuki_   
_Pull-up/Dip Machine: Advantage Haruka_

**Conclusion: Tie**

_Wrestling Match: Haruka wins  
Foot Race: Natsuki wins_


	8. Uncomfortable, Chie, and Neuroplasticity

**Narrative #8: Uncomfortable Reflections  
Date: October 31, 2013 … a Thursday**

I sat at my desk, waiting for Tomoe-han to arrive. My meeting with Arika-han had gone much as I expected to. She was quite apologetic and swore there would be no such outbursts from her again. However, she had adamantly refused to repeat whatever it was that Tomoe-han had said, a fact which both concerned and disturbed me. I had gathered that Natsuki-han found her and it sounded as though some sort of mutual exchange of apologies had occurred. Arika-han did not seem to know quite what to make of it but was comforted, nonetheless. I would have to be sure to thank Natsuki-han tomorrow at lunch.

I did not know why, perhaps it was the seriousness with which Reito had suggested it to me, perhaps it was my own unusual instability as of late, but I had decided to request Haruka's attendance at the meetings. Convincing her had required a bit of flattery, but eventually, I was able to gain her acquiescence. I had scheduled the meetings for early morning on Thursday when rounds kept the OR from starting for an additional hour.

"Fujino-sensei." The girl strode into my office, moving in a way I instinctually recognized but could not comment on.

"Tomoe-han," I answered, fixing a straight-lipped neutral expression in place.

Certainly, I could appreciate that she was a beautiful girl, but there was an edge to her, an unhinged sort of desperation that radiated off her. Perhaps that was what the others were sensing. It resonated with me, which was concerning.

"Will you be down in the OR soon?" There was an obvious hope in her steel-colored eyes.

It was something deeper than the wide-eyed worship I'd grown accustomed to seeing on the faces of the young doctors coming through their rotations. It was saturated with hunger and neediness, covetous. I watched it, transfixed, knowing my own eyes had held such a look before...when I'd played at 'love'. It was hard to imagine something so sinful and raw finding real purchase in another person. My mistake was expecting it to. Now that mistake was hers. She scooted her chair closer subtly. As I stared at her blankly, at the girl who was so much of me some ten years ago, I found myself thinking that this crush, this 'love' did not suit her. She did not know how to wear it, a coat that did not fit her. Reciprocally, that meant the same was true of me. Disconcerting thoughts of breaking her before she broke someone else, of disillusioning her and answering the question in her gaze, they floated through my hardened mind. At the same time, a tiny ache of a desire, the need to save her from herself whispered its existence.

"I miss you. The other residents do too I'm sure. Fujino-sensei, you are the best of the teachers."

Haruka, of course, chose that moment to make her entrance. "Marguerite, don't be such a brown-hoser."

"Armitage-sensei." There was a flicker of anger in her eyes that did not escape my notice, especially with the bold way she regarded the blonde woman. I let the breath I was holding go, remaining still.

"I'm sure you know what this is about." She began for me.

"Yes, and I want to say I'm sorry for my behavior." It was entirely directed at me, as was the expression that skillfully pretended remorse.

"Don't be sorry, just shape up." Haruka crossed her arms over her chest. "This is a person's life you're in charge of Marguerite! It's not high school, so take it somewhere else. You can have a bad day, you can hate everyone you work with but deal with it. We're not here to hold your hand. You need to be strong. When you act like that you make me, Fujino-sensei, and yourself look bad. Where's your dedication?" I stared at my friend; it was a shockingly succinct speech.

The hurt expression from across the desk pulled at me, but I ignored it. "Tomoe-han," Grayish eyes turned my way, swirling and turbulent. "When at the hospital, I expect you to always do your best. Anything less is unbecoming of the profession and should be unacceptable to you personally. I can appreciate the stress of this environment, but you must maintain your composure, always."

The girl nodded, a softness in her eyes. "I will." She said. "For _my_ Sensei." Her tongue caressed the word, wrapped around it, tasted it… _my_. In remembering that exact feeling, I shut off completely, a coldness slinking in.

Haruka gave her an alarmed expression, but I touched her arm. With a furious glare, she kept silent.

The girl was gazing at me from beneath hooded eyelids, head dipped as she was ashamed, but I knew she was not. "Tomoe-han," She lifted her head. "I would like you and Arika-han to apologize to one another, and I would like you to apologize to Kuga-sensei and Kanzaki-sensei for disturbing their case." Two sets of shocked eyes met my words. "Certainly, yelling is not called for, but you must consider the patient above all else. It is your most important duty and disruptions to the surgery itself cannot happen."

"Fujino-sensei, I…"

"I do not know what led to the disagreement between you and Arika-han, but…"

"It was just a misunderstanding." The pleading tone _,_ so intent on me believing her, acknowledging her, choosing her in some sense. I wanted to stand up, to leave, but I could not.

The blonde beside me scoffed, clearly not convinced.

"Tomoe-han I am not ordering you to apologize. That is not within my power to do. It was simply a request from your Sensei."

A soft blush hit her cheeks and I wanted to feel remorse, for being undetectably ruthless, for knowing how…for my control, my emotionless face, but I did not.

"I will Fujino-sensei and I'm sorry again for my behavior and for having embarrassed you." The exclusion of Haruka from the statement was deliberate I was sure, but her sincerity was believable. As our eyes met, it provoked no feeling from me.

"Go back to work Marguerite. Now!" Haruka said loudly, breaking the invisible cord that seemed to tie me to the young woman.

She lifted herself with a smile, a gaze that lingered just a beat longer than it should have. It was clearly meant only for me and she left with another thrown over her shoulder. The blonde beside me was less than pleased, but I found that I did not care. I cared about not being in this office any longer.

"The way that she is with you, you can't just let it go." Her index finger hovered near my left temple, her fist hitting the desk. "You have to say something, Fujino. What is wrong with you?"

I simply could not listen, could not hear her say the things she had already. Her voice and that finger, they forged a trenchant blade that slid straight between my eyes, bringing everything back. Her voice and my mother's overlapped and echoed in my mind. It had been so long since I'd thought of these things. _What is wrong with you? Two women together like that...what has gotten into you Shizuru? Honestly, this is completely unacceptable._

"Ookini, Haruka, for your assistance. Pardon me." I walked past her, never looking at her, moving down the hall. I climbed the stairs, as near as I ever come to running, up toward the quietest place I knew.

Stepping onto the rooftop garden that sat off of the neonatal intensive care unit, I was overcome with the desire to lie on the cool earth of the flowerbeds…to sink into it, to bury myself so I could see, smell, taste nothing else. Such an odd thought. I sat on the wrought iron chair delicately, crossing my legs at the ankle, staring out into the city before letting my eyes fall closed, letting the brightness of the sun blanket me. Very few souls ever came out here. It was tucked away and poorly signed on purpose so that families who needed it could have their privacy... their quiet grief.

I was disappointed in myself more than anything else, for reacting to Tomoe-han, for the memories her feelings provoked. Perhaps that was the problem. I did, to some extent, want to help her, but was ill-equipped for such an undertaking. More than I wanted that though, I wanted to be away from her. I wanted to distance myself from the things she reminded me of, more than I wanted to fumble through imparting advice on something I had failed at. I wanted to believe I understood now, was capable of better. Of course, my thoughts wandered to Natsuki-han. I considered the way I was hanging about her. Why was I questioning everything to this degree? Should the presence of feeling preclude friendship in mine and Tomoe-han's case? Did I not feel for my friends?

 _Ara, ara_. Where had the solidity in my life gone off to? I'd let it run away, had I not? I pressed my hands together, cradling the side of my face against them, and smiled up toward a sky whose vastness seemed to mock the triviality of my concerns.

"I thought that was you." The nurse walked over and took a seat across from me. "Something wrong beautiful?"

"Good morning, Chie." When I opened my eyes, sending her a smile, she was sitting already, legs crossed at her thighs, trendy half-rim glasses perched on her nose.

We had met a few years ago when I'd started seeking out people more like myself. It was at a bar of all places. Initially, we had flirted while waiting for drinks, but I'd quickly realized it was just that. Any lingering doubt was chased away when her partner approached, there was no misunderstanding the look that passed between them. I was quite pleased when they continued to talk to me, when Chie and I found we worked at the same hospital, when it blossomed into a friendship with both of them. They were the first people with similar preferences I had ever been close to. It was rather eye-opening, to have friendships where censorship, where testing reactions were unnecessary. There was also the fact that dancing with Aoi was an experience and watching her dance with Chie, a revelation.

"You know, if you ever actually answer that question, I might just die of shock Shizuru." Chie was an exceptionally perceptive individual and so she had remarkable success in determining my mood, despite what was showing on my face.

"Kanin-na. I shall have to be careful then, Aoi would never forgive me. I simply came for a moment of peace."

"Am I ruining it?" She asked lightly.

"Don't be silly." I glanced her way. "Your day is going well?"

"The babies have been quiet, but it's early." She rested an arm on the table in front of us, chin balanced on the base of her palm. Her face was proof that a woman could be devilishly handsome.

"And how is Aoi?"

I watched a gentle smile creep across her face. "She's perfect."

They were very much in love with each other, the pure sort that reminded me I'd only ever crawled around the idea, grasping at it like a child who could not reach. They wore it well, coats that fit, I thought wryly. It did give me some solace to see them walking together, smiling at one another as if there was not a thing in the world wrong with how they felt. Truthfully, I was jealous of them, of their total acceptance of it. They were two good people who had what they deserved. I did not think I could ever be so open, so unashamed of my choices, which was not to say they should be. They had not shamed their families, had not hurt another person the way I had.

"You haven't come out with us in a while. I was beginning to think Kanzaki-sensei finally wore you down."

I giggled lightly and then caught myself. "The rumors still persist, then?" It seemed even without her other half, Chie's presence had a sort of calming effect.

"Is it any wonder, with you two fueling them?" I dipped my head in a concession to the point. "I heard his new Trauma Fellow is giving him trouble."

It was curious that she succeeded in uncovering information, despite entire departments between her and those involved. "I do not understand how you are able to find these things out."

"I have a network." She eyed me with a glint of playfulness. "People say she's pretty, though. Have you met her?"

I exhaled, feeling myself relax further at the thought of Natsuki-han's beautiful face bathed in sunlight in my office. "Pretty is not the word."

"I'll take that as a 'yes'." I smiled and said nothing. "You really should come over, for dinner at least. Keiko-chan misses you terribly. You know how she feels about you."

"Indeed. It was love at first sight, for both of us." My smile broadened as I thought of their daughter, who even at the age of six, was a mirror of Aoi. She and I got along well. Children seemed to like me, perhaps because I smiled so much. She professed a great fondness for my height as well, which touched me because she was so very small a child for her age and already, she was reaching for the unattainable. "I cannot refuse so tempting an offer."

"I'm gonna hold you to that, bring whoever with." It was a none too subtle hint.

"That's very sweet of you." Resting a finger against my face, I gazed at a cloud that shifted and drew apart as it floated by.

"I have to get back, but it was nice to see you Shizuru. Don't be such a stranger." She squeezed my shoulder and I patted her hand.

"Please, give Aoi my best."

She winked at me. "I hope you find that peace you were looking for."

I gave her a bright smile, which she answered with a smirk before disappearing back inside. I hoped so too. Resignedly I lifted myself from the chair, deciding I would walk through the small bakeshop on the first floor. Coffee, more accurately espresso, was my father's favorite drink and a constant bone of contention between my parents. That absurdly large machine with its gleaming silver and odd assortment of handles and knobs, my mother hated it. Perhaps it was my own way of grieving, seeking out the smell. I wondered sometimes why it was acceptable to me to indulge these sorts of eccentricities.

The very machine had arrived on my doorstep yesterday evening with my father's collection of antique weaponry, something that had been passed down from his father and his father before him. Two things I could not be certain why he wished me to have but reminded me so strongly of him that I'd lost myself staring at each piece, not able to get through even a single box. The image of him cleaning and polishing a blade, the sound of it against the strop when he sharpened them… both were still as clear as day. The third and final piece of my inheritance was too large, in my estimation, to be considered an 'item' as my mother had put it. A gleaming, vicious-looking car was, to my shock, delivered on the back of a small tow truck.

My father had scrimped and saved as long as I could remember for sports cars, which he purchased periodically. They were a symbol; an outward statement that he was not held by the restrictions of class, that he could reach as high as he wanted. I hadn't the slightest idea what sort of car this was, but I did not have much interest in cars, or antique weaponry, or espresso for that matter… so I suppose it was not overly surprising. The reason he'd wanted me to have it was yet another mystery there would be no answer to. According to the documents that arrived with it, the machine was ludicrously expensive, the price of a small house, which suggested my parents had a great deal more money now than they did when I was growing up. I wondered what had changed.

I made my way to the visitor's elevators, a set I had never taken as I preferred the silence and privacy of the stairwell the few times I was in the type of mood it took to drive me to this place. As I waited, the photos covering the wall drew my attention, all preemies, all collages and 'thank yous', of survivors. _How very precious._

A Christmas card I recognized caught my eye and I walked forward slowly, reading the words in the middle. _Harada Keiko, born at 30 weeks, 3 lbs 1 oz… February 12th._ My gaze followed the rectangular frame, looking at each black and white picture, the first of a baby, tubes taped to her nose, a tiny knit cap on her head, so painfully small against Aoi's chest. Chie was staring at both of them with such a sober look, as if afraid to take her eyes away. Six Christmas cards, one for each year stuck like ribbons from beneath the frame, vibrating gently in the heated air from a vent. It was surreal to see the same one that rested atop one of my shelves at home, to know that I had held this child on my lap, brought her presents and yet this wall knew more of her life than I did.

**Digression #8: Harada Chie**   
**Date: February 13, 2007 … a Tuesday**

She'd always been something of a flirt. It was in her nature, to smile in the way she did, full eye contact. Chie had always been a people person. She'd been willing to talk to almost anyone since she was little... when her mother still warned her not to. People were fascinating. They did such interesting things, made such interesting choices, and she found she had an unquenchable thirst for knowing who was doing what and why. As a people person, it was easy for her to enter conversations and as a flirt, it was equally easy for her to draw them in. Harada Chie used her talents to avoid the pitfalls that had toppled the careers of so many other would-be gossips. She'd been able to collect information as others collected toys or dolls. She'd done it by being a person that people wanted to talk to. Her gossip was never malicious because it was never about using the information, it was always about the pleasure of knowing it. Her cell phone was nearly an extension of her hand by high school, always on and ready to snap a photograph, to grab a memory. People came to her for information and she sought new people out. She knew everyone and nearly everything there was to know about them. It was a wonderful little game.

She'd found the perfect complement to her easy way in Aoi. They'd met in middle school and took to each other immediately, falling into sync almost effortlessly. The girl was so friendly, so happy, so quietly devious, so different and yet so very much like her. They began spending a lot of time together, became best friends. An only child, Chie found it fascinating to watch the four Senoh children interact, squabble, wrestle, harass each other. She found it amusing to watch Aoi's method of revenge on her much larger brothers, which solely involved a pouncing sneak attack and then running from the room. It never ended well for her, but Chie admired her perseverance, and watching her run wasn't half bad either. That had been at the beginning, but by the time they got to high school, there was no watching. Her siblings were perfectly comfortable flipping Chie over their shoulders too, poking fun, making faces at her. She fought the assaults with methods outside of the physical, made chit-chat with jilted exes, gathered secrets on the three of them, which somehow fell into their little sister's possession... used at her discretion. She wondered how Aoi's girliness survived in that sort of environment. Maybe because she and her mother were so close.

In retrospect, their friendship seemed destined for more because she couldn't imagine anything else… anyone else. Sure, they were both a bit scared, a bit nervous about their developing feelings, about how the other would react but that all fell away the first time their lips met, and it never returned.

Their lives together had been simple, the kisses, the touches, their families embracing it, the wedding they had even if it wasn't technically legal, the careers, the house. It had always gone well, better than well. Smooth sailing to the point that she forgot that they were lucky. She forgot what rough waters felt like, forgot they existed. A charmed life they had, a beautiful one.

When they'd decided to have a baby, that went smoothly too. Her cousin who just happened to be gay, who just happened to look so much like her, who just happened to be willing, who gave them the chance to have a child with a bit of both of them in there. Shared genes, it was more than a donor would have permitted. She'd never even considered that something could go wrong with anything... with the pregnancy. She had no reason to think anything could happen, but it did… and it knocked them both down with the force of a hurricane. Pre-eclampsia and so early, the doctors talking about monitoring Aoi closely and then her blood pressure… the emergency cesarean. It all happened outside of time, so fast, but suspended and almost untouchable in her mind.

As she sat beside the hospital bed, looking at the woman with tubes sticking from her arms, a nasal cannula fixed in place, something occurred to her. She'd been taking everything for granted. What they shared, the ease they felt with each other, in each other… it was rare. Their love was rare and she didn't know that Aoi knew it. She didn't know that she'd told her. She didn't know if the woman she'd nearly lost was aware that she'd been the best thing that ever happened to her, that she loved her in a way she couldn't put into words. The thought that it could have ended with the woman in that bed, not understanding, with she herself not truly understanding that Aoi was her heart and her reason. It was heartbreaking.

She may have been a nurse, but all of this looked so wrong when it was attached to the woman she loved. As the beeping machine blinked at her, she made a vow to herself. She would make Aoi understand, she would love her in such a way that she would never have cause to doubt. She would erase the possibility of that sort of regret.

Laying her head on the hospital bed, she took the woman's hand in hers, thinking of the tiny baby's screeching cry, of Aoi's skin going deathly pale. She turned the woman's wedding band around her finger, feeling the hot tears on her cheeks. There was really no use in crying. Keiko was okay. The baby had a long road ahead, but for now, she was okay and Aoi was okay. They could have died… either her or the baby or both. She felt the same flash of anger she had at the beginning. She wanted to blame someone, the doctors, the nurses... but it was one of those things that just happened. There was no reason and it was no one's fault.

She felt a shaky hand in her black hair and startled, eyes meeting hazy blue.

"Aoi?" It was a whisper and a question.

"Keiko," The voice was broken with dryness.

"She's okay. I just came down from seeing her." She spoke quietly, hearing a sigh of relief.

The brunette's hand trailed down, a thumb wiping away the wetness on her lover's cheek. "How come you're all the way down there Chie-chan?"

Tears fell from the other woman's eyes as well and she crawled up to meet her love. "They're taking good care of her. I promise." It was not just to comfort Aoi, but to reassure herself, to say those words aloud so that she could hear them too. "We'll go up when you're ready."

"Mmkay." The brunette whispered groggily, staring at the ceiling as she rested her cheek atop the dark head on her chest. Chie wondered how much she was really understanding at the moment, was careful not to lay on top of her as she moved closer. "I feel awful."

Eyes closed, pushing the last bit of moisture through before she found her voice. "I bet. God, you scared me…"

Lazy, slightly uncoordinated fingers drifted through strands of short hair. It almost tickled her. "I'm sorry."

Lips pressed to her chest where the skin peeked above the hospital gown. "Don't be sorry."

"Your hair smells good." It was said slowly and with a dreamy sort of happiness.

She smirked despite herself. "It does, huh?"

"Mm, like coconuts." Aoi tilted her head back as if it were too heavy, medication still swirling in her system, making her eyelids slip down. The other woman recognized the look and made a note to find out what they'd given her and how much. "Chie-chan?"

"What is it?"

"I don't think we should ever do that again. It wasn't very fun."

A small laugh tumbled from her and she held the woman gently, careful with her sore body as she drifted back to sleep. "I can live with that." She whispered, closing her own eyes as she pressed her lips a second time to skin that was warm with life.

**Aside #8: Neuroplasticity and the Human Brain** _(Thought)_

Neuroplasticity is a term that refers to the capability of synapses in the human brain to rearrange themselves. They do so in response to repeated behavioral modifications, environmental stimuli, or to compensate for brain injury. In short, it is the idea that the brain is trainable and adaptable. Fuuka's latest lecture had been on this particular subject and functional MRI imaging. Kuga Natsuki had been attending for educational credits.

She'd sat at her computer for three nights in a row after the presentation, scouring the internet and the professional reference libraries her position granted her access to, for articles on the topic. It was a viable explanation for what she was currently experiencing and the only one she'd yet found for her problems.

A brain injury, probably from her coma…or was it her ignoring her wants, quiet and sparing as they were, that caused her brain to change itself? To rewire and reconnect so randomly? Maybe there had been an underlying biological cause all along. Running, chocolate, lingerie, she could live with those. They were manageable, but that twisting shock in her abdomen when that Kyoto-ben doctor said her name or when her lips closed around that plum, it was totally unacceptable. All of it had to be part of some larger, encompassing diagnosis. Whatever part of her brain was responsible for managing her desire must've rerouted itself she decided, either because it was damaged in the accident or she forced it into retreat. It must have somehow gotten tangled up in her sensory perception because all of what she felt was sense-based... tastes, sights, touches, sounds. She didn't know if that was possible even. She wasn't a Neurologist. Maybe she was just going crazy… the stress of working too much, not enough sleep.

She laid her head down on the cool desk beside the glowing laptop, sighing and dragging squares across her home screen despondently with the trackpad. From a logical standpoint, her reactions to Shizuru-san made even less sense to her than any of the other experiences did.

It was just her name. A million people said it to her a million times and it never did… _that_. She'd heard many people speak Kyoto-ben before so that wasn't it either. And the damn fruit? She was eating something. That in itself, shouldn't be attractive. Watching someone eat? Baseline it was disgusting, all practicality and bizarre mashing, chomping, and slurping noises. They were just lips. What did the color of them matter as they dragged against the dark purple skin of that rounded...no. It was signals, electric impulses getting crossed up inside her head and then reemerging at inopportune, meaningless moments.

Out of curiosity she righted herself and performed a search for the word 'pink'. She scrolled through the squares of color, trying to find one that looked closest, and then stared at it hard…very hard in fact, and nothing. Tried the same with 'dark purple'… again nothing. Sighing loudly at her lack of reaction, she closed the window. Being around that woman, irrespective of the plum or the voice, just being near her was triggering weird responses. It was like a smell she knew but couldn't place, a familiar face on a definite stranger, wanting her to stay and leave at the same time. Something about her was messing with Natsuki's brain chemistry and she needed to figure out what it was.

In the meantime, she was working on swallowing down the feelings, pushing back against them. She'd kick herself out of it like she did when she was so much younger. Maybe if she slammed her head against a wall for long enough, well that might work too.

She cursed this stupid, impractical manifestation of her body's resourcefulness and decided she would never... _ever_ give that woman a piece of fruit again.


	9. Eat Your Own, Yukino, and Buy the Car

**Narrative #9: Eat Your Own  
** **Date: November 1, 2013… a Friday**

"Hey." Her dark head popped into my office.

I blinked as I took in her outfit, as she walked over and leaned against the corner of my desk, directly beside where I was sitting. The way she was dressed surprised me. A white shirt covered her, sleeves pushed to the elbows with a pale green scarf draped around her neck. The thin material clung to her lithe frame as she stretched her arms backward, gripping the edge of the desktop, long legs crossing, hair hanging like silk around her face. Frame hugging dark jeans and a pair of leather-riding boots hugged her calves. Of course, her watch was still there. She looked much softer like this. I threaded my fingers together, willing myself still. I could not help but question how aware she was of her own attractiveness.

****

"Natsuki-han is not dressed for work. Was she off today?"

"Yeah." I noticed the tiny silver stud in her left nostril with interest.

I smiled at her, resting my chin on folded hands. "You came in just to have lunch with me? How sweet."

Her face turned immediately red. "No! I had something to do, then I had to come here anyway and I didn't know when my lunch would be on the other days." As if to test my control, she ran her hand through raven strands, tossing it to the side and crossing her arms.

I stood up, keeping my eyes on the desk. "So where will we be dining today?"

"Huh?" Her reaction suggested that she had expected me to plan our meal, which would make sense given I had asked or it could be that she was one of those people who did not like making decisions. The first option seemed likely, but it was certainly more fun this way. "What do you wanna eat?" I refrained from answering that particular question in the manner I wished to.

"Natsuki-han can surprise me!" I said instead, with my most excited smile.

"Surprise you." Narrowed green eyes met mine, a rather adorable grimace on her face.

"Yes," I answered happily, mood improved by her presence.

Her mouth dropped open, then closed as she eyed me curiously for what seemed like a long stretch of time. "Let's go and just Natsuki is fine."

"Shizuru is fine as well then."

We began walking down the hall, me a few steps away. I found the sight of her from behind in those particular jeans was so trying to my self-control that I quickened my pace to walk side-by-side with her. I contented myself with greeting a few of the transporters and service staff I knew as we passed them.

She turned and looked at me, eyebrow raised. "What are you? The mayor of the hospital?"

I tilted my head and gave her a small grin, closing my eyes for a moment. "I enjoy talking with people."

She frowned and remained silent for the remainder of the trip, but somehow she was able to make that silence awkward and halting. It did not seem she was helped by the smiles I sent her way each time she glanced in my direction. We stopped in front of a restaurant I had been to before. It was quite nice and not what I was expecting for this lunch. She did not speak until we were seated.

"No complaining." She said firmly, handing me a menu. I found the gruff request entertaining. Even if I hated it, I would never say so.

"I will do my best to behave."

"Why don't I believe you?" She questioned skeptically, scanning the options.

"Does Natsuki doubt the purity of my intentions?"

"I have a reason to." A tiny, crooked grin hit her lips and it distracted me enough that it took a moment to realize she was poking fun.

I made a face of mild offense, regardless of the fact that her instincts were very much on point. " _Ikezu._ What reason?"

"That thing about the OR room in front of Alyssa." The accusation in her tone was quite evident.

"What is it that you believe I meant?" I asked as if confused.

She glanced at me, annoyed, and apparently not fooled. "Idiot." She mumbled under her breath. "You know what you meant and so did she." Did she truly just call me an idiot? She did. I do not think anyone had done so since I was twelve.

"Only because Natsuki called such splendid attention to it." I wondered now if the idea of the two of us sharing an evening disgusted her, if she had thought on it enough to form an opinion on the matter. Somehow that seemed unlikely. Not that it was of any consequence whatsoever.

"I did?!" She said incredulously.

"With that adorable blush." As if on cue her face lit up and I studied the redness intently.

Her lips spread into a thin line that turned up at one corner, jaw shifting. "I thought you said you were gonna behave."

"Am I not behaving?" Perhaps I was being a bit too playful with her…

"No." She growled and I was struck by a strange urge to pat her head.

"Kanin-na." I spoke gently, smoothing my voice. "I am not being very kind to you after you have agreed to come to lunch with me, am I?" I had just resolved a day ago to not be so insistent in my teasing and yet I had immediately fallen back into it. I had also resolved to think less on it, so I tapped her arm in apology, ignoring the warmth. "It was not my intention to embarrass you in front of your sister."

She looked at me, nearly into me, untrusting, as though she expected some other flush-inducing comment might leap out at her at any moment. Part of me wondered why she did not simply get up and leave. Our eyes locked as she tried to find her words, making my pulse tap strongly against the skin of my neck. I was thankful when the waitress came over, providing me time to recover from the spell of that emerald-colored intensity.

"So how are you finding your employment at the hospital?" I introduced a more subdued, but less enjoyable topic of conversation.

"It's fine." She said disinterestedly, choosing not to elaborate. I decided that work was likely best left out of our discussions.

"Can I ask what brought you to this island?"

She looked at me, gaze cynical and somewhat distrustful while she rested her chin against her palm, a graceful elbow on the table. "I grew up here."

That explained her knowing the restaurant and her knowing Nao-han and Mai-han. "You did not train here though."

"No." Her focused stare plucked a touch of bashfulness from me, a rather unusual occurrence. "What about you? You're not from here."

"That is true."

She rolled her eyes and quirked her eyebrow at me. "So where then? Kyoto?"

"Yes, my family has a home in one of the more rural parts of the prefecture."

"Why'd you leave? It's beautiful there."

That was not a question I had any intention of answering. "You have been to Kyoto?"

"It's where I went to medical school and did my Residency." How strangely coincidental, serendipitous almost… as though we'd switched places or traded lives, yet we'd both had ended up in Fuuka sharing a meal. A shrug and then she seemed to remember the lost thread of our conversation. "Oi, you didn't answer my question."

"It is just that I find Natsuki so much more interesting," I said with a smile.

"Still didn't answer it." She grumbled. It would seem my evasiveness annoyed her.

"I left to attend Medical School." There, a rather abbreviated version.

"Where?"

"Gauderobe," I answered. "And yourself? Would I be wrong in assuming you went to KPUM?" Kyoto Prefectural University of Medicine had the best program in the area. It made sense for her to have gone there, given she ended up at Fuuka Hospital, though there was that family connection to consider. She nodded. "You were living in Kyoto then?"

"For most of it, but I did the exchange program."

"And where did that take you?"

"Oxford."

"England?" I asked, and she nodded. "Were you there long?"

"A year." She was staring out the window, and I wondered where her thoughts were as she seemed distracted.

"With your sister, I would guess?"

Her eyes flicked my way quickly and her voice was irritated. "No." She was truly a master of short answers. "She lived with my father." It was not what she said, but how she said it that indicated her lack of affection for the man. "I came back after a year and stayed."

She was a surgeon. She had to be reasonably intelligent. Her eyes would suggest it even if her profession did not, but both schools were rather noteworthy. "Oxford…is Natsuki trying to impress me, I wonder?"

She tried to force down another blush unsuccessfully. "Says the girl from Gauderobe." She mumbled, lifted her head from her hand and looking at me quickly, frowning as her newly unoccupied fingers poked at the table. "So, do you like Fuuka?"

"It is a gorgeous island. The cliffs are particularly scenic. You must be rather fond of it to have returned here."

"My friends are here." Curious that she did not mention family at all. "I don't know how long you've lived here, but be careful about those old women in the shops downtown unless you want everyone knowing your business. People talk here."

I laughed softly, unsurprised she valued privacy enough to impart such advice. "I will take that under advisement."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"And you'll be serious?" She half-questioned, half-threatened throwing a quick glance my way.

My lips slipped down, landing in a straight line. "If that is what Natsuki wishes."

"Why are you being like this?" I did not know what she was specifically referring to, but it worried me.

"I am not sure that I understand."

"Talking to me, and Alyssa. Then this lunch, you're being so…" I waited, trying to keep any of the concern from showing. _So what?_ "Friendly, even with the teasing." She said the word as if the taste of it was foreign to her. I understood that she was curious as to what I wanted from her, hesitant to trust another's intentions. I suppose in my case it was partially warranted, but still, she was quite guarded.

"I like you and I enjoy our conversations, even if they have been somewhat limited thus far. I think we could be friends." I responded, letting a touch of the sincerity I felt come through, allowing her to take that as she wanted to.

Her forehead wrinkled as if she were deep in thought. "You like me."

"Is that so very difficult to believe?" I asked gently, wrapping a hand around the water in front of me.

"It's not most people's reaction." She answered with that delicious little grin again, but there was a sadness behind it she failed to disguise.

"Natsuki?"

She looked at me with only slightly less skepticism in her eyes. "What?"

"I've been meaning to thank you for talking to Arika-han."

"Yeah. Sure." I could tell she was embarrassed, but attempting to hide it behind a blank face. She was saved as the dishes slid in front of us. Her selections were light and healthy. It was not what I would have pictured her eating. What reason I had for that I could not guess, given the only food I'd ever seen her with was fruit.

She picked up her chopsticks, using them with the same dexterity she had her surgical tools. Picking small pieces off of her meal, she ate slowly, taking noticeable, child-like pleasure in the act. I felt that same difficulty in looking away I had when in the operating room with her.

Suddenly she paused, chopsticks hovering a few inches above her plate. Eyebrows pulled down, mouth locked in a frown, and bright green fixed on me. I was not certain I could be relied upon to handle my own breathing if this continued. "You don't like it."

I was caught off guard. "Why would you think that?"

"You're not eating."

"Natsuki is watching me carefully," I said because I could not very well explain that her adorableness was remarkably distracting.

"It's not like that. I was kidding before about the 'not complaining'." I cocked my head at her. "Look, if you want something else, order it. It doesn't matter to me, but there's no reason to eat something you don't like." That was certainly an interesting perspective on dining etiquette. She continued working at her plate, speed increased, that expression of enjoyment significantly diminished. That would not do.

Since it seemed we were working outside of traditional manners, I snatched a piece of her lunch away with my chopsticks, closing my eyes as I chewed it. Whatever she had chosen was quite tasty. I would have to remember it for the next time I came.

"Oi!" I lifted one eyelid to see her staring at me with an unreadable expression on her face.

I smiled widely at her. "It is delicious."

"Eat your own!" Even through her obvious unease, a smirk and a sound that was as near to a laugh as I'd heard her make slipped through.

"Ookini, for your company as well as the meal," I added seriously, pleased to see her shoulders relax a bit.

She gave a stiff nod and then continued eating with renewed, equally wary excitement. I joined her this time. It was excellent food and a welcome change from the strain of the last few days. It did take some effort to ignore the unblinking intensity of her eyes. I could tell she was watching me as I ate. To reassure herself that I was not unhappy with my meal I suppose. I _had_ made her choose. It may have been too much pressure.

I was happy when she excused herself to use the restroom, as it would give me the opportunity to pay without an argument. I looked out the window as I waited for her return, noticing there were a few more clouds in the sky than there had been. As my eyes followed them, I noticed a familiar person pass by.

Haruka stomped by the glass with a brunette woman I recognized from our days in medical school. Kikukawa Yukino, the shy girl my former roommate had invited for visits periodically. A best friend who seemed to be very much enamored with her. Not that I expected the blonde woman to notice such a thing, that would be disastrous for their friendship I was sure…or I could be entirely wrong. I felt my eyes harden as I saw the smaller woman lay a gentle hand on the other's waist, pulling away quickly, self-consciously, their eyes meeting shyly. A look passed between them whose meaning I was entirely too familiar with. I did not know what I felt at that moment, but it was overwhelming. I had reached some sort of emotional saturation point. I was not dealing as well as I expected to with nearly anything as of late. It was a frightening experience if I was honest.

I was so lost in my own thoughts that her hand on my shoulder made me gasp.

"Sorry." Natsuki had jumped back, eyes alert, body tense. Apparently, my being startled had startled her as well.

"Kanin-na, but I have just realized the time. The lunch was wonderful and it was a pleasure Natsuki." I smiled, and she arched her brow at me as if she was not sure what to make of me.

That hand was at her neck, scratching. Her gaze caught the black leather on the table. "Oi! You paid already?!"

"Now there must be a next time, to make us even. Have a good day." I stood up to leave, giving her my best smile.

She stared at me and I began to walk away. "Wait a second Shizuru!"

I stopped, composed myself, and turned to glance at her inquiringly. She was up and moving toward me almost cautiously, dipping her head and drawing her brows together. Her body language was almost animalistic and drew the oddest urges from me. In this case, I imagined extending my hand for her to sniff, maybe scratching beneath her chin. My mind was capable of such foolishness.

"I have to go back to the hospital for something anyway. Do you want me to walk with you?"

I smiled at her reassuringly, surprised by the question. "When such pleasant company is offered, I could not refuse."

She scratched her neck again, peering over at me. "I didn't know if you just needed a minute."

I looked at her curiously. "A minute?"

"By yourself?" It had been my intended purpose in departing so quickly, but I would never have asked for one, never would have voiced it so truthfully. There was also the fact that she was asking in seriousness, which indicated she would have willingly allowed me the moment if I requested it. We watched each other and I did not understand the look in her eyes. It seemed she did not understand the look in mine either.

"It is sweet of Natsuki to be so concerned for me." I smiled as I said it and it had the intended effect of making her frown and forget my slip from earlier.

"It was just a question." She mumbled, feigning disinterest and moving toward the door. I felt my lips curl, a softness suffusing me. She really was too adorable. We walked toward the hospital in a slightly less awkward silence. I thankfully found myself wondering more about my companion and whether or not she realized she was fiddling cutely with one of her earrings than the troubling scene outside the restaurant. However, I held no illusions that I would not devote a significant amount of time to thinking on it later, regardless of whether I wished to or not.

**Digression #9: Kikukawa Yukino**   
**Date: May 13, 2010… a Friday**

Yukino was an intelligent woman. No one had ever, nor would they ever try and debate that fact. What often went unnoticed was that her intelligence extended beyond the intellectual realm into the political arena. Her greatest strength was that she had always understood her own weaknesses. She had wonderful ideas and innovative means for implementing them, but was neither outspoken nor did she possess a strong personality. The trouble for her was always in getting others to listen. She was naturally soft-spoken, somewhat timid. If the situation required it, she could do it, but the experience took so much out of her, to raise her voice like that, to argue with people, to fight. It made sense to her that she gravitated toward people who were what she wasn't; people who were all voice and muscle, it completed the package so to speak. Because of her quiet way and choice of allies, she had already risen through the ranks at the engineering firm at which she was employed, before any realized she had such ambitions.

Yukino stood at her desk, reviewing the plans for a plant that would be starting construction in two months if everything worked according to schedule, which it seldom did. Her mind, unusually enough, was not on the task at hand though. Her best friend, Suzushiro Haruka, was getting married tomorrow. She was going to be the maid of honor. She would be catching a train in an hour. Her thoughts had been falling hopelessly back to the event all day.

Haruka was different, an individual to say the least. She was aggressive and loud, but at the same time, beneath it all… there was a gentleness that she tried her hardest to hide. She was a person who was easy to misunderstand, to dislike, to simplify to the point of a caricature. At this point in their lives, Yukino was the one protecting her, more from herself than anyone else, but it was quite the reversal from their earlier days. Grade school had been hell on earth for the shy, spectacled, mousy little girl that Yukino was back then. Haruka had protected her, taken care of her, and leveled her tormentors with awe-inspiring efficiency. The girl had done it not because they were already friends, at the time they were not, but simply because she thought it was right. Such a strong, immutable sense of morality was a large part of the initial attraction.

In college it became apparent, she thought to both of them, that their friendship was something outside of normal, that there were yearnings which were becoming impossible to ignore or dismiss. The hopelessness of their situation hadn't become obvious to her until Fujino Shizuru. Until she watched her friend rail against the woman who had become to Haruka, the very personification of sapphic indulgence. Yukino had understood her friend's reaction to the woman in a way that her friend refused to, probably even to this day. Shizuru was not a person to her friend, she was a symbol, she was the snake in the tree presenting forbidden fruit…original sin... ignorance lost. Yukino considered in this analogy, she would be the dangling apple waiting to be tasted. The thought made her incredibly embarrassed.

Fujino Shizuru...she did not know what to think of her or her continued presence in Haruka's life. In Yukino's opinion, their relationship with one another was not healthy for either of them. It was almost as if her friend needed Shizuru there to remind her, whether of the possibility or the sin, she couldn't be sure. Why Shizuru needed Haruka was a question she couldn't begin to answer. Yukino was only grateful that she wasn't physically there when Haruka had walked in on her roommate. Yukino had always been appreciative of the fact that she didn't have hurtful words said in her best friend's voice to replay in her memory each time she thought of her that way.

Haruka's sense of right and wrong erected a wall on either side of which were emotions that could never be acknowledged, let alone explored. It was a wall that seemed to stretch infinitely in either direction, mortared with stubbornness and pure strength of will. She couldn't find a way through and now her friend was marrying some man. _'_ _Some man'_ … it stuck in her skin that she thought of him like that even once. Yukino had no issues with him, he seemed a good match, a good person, an American transplant. He was a Catholic who could share her values.

She sighed, wishing she'd worn her glasses today instead of her contacts. It would have been soothing to remove them, polish them, and put them back on. She settled for tapping her finger on the desk as she traced the lines of a schematic with her eyes. She didn't even think of Haruka in that way anymore, not very often anyway. Yukino was perfectly content with her life, she'd even gotten married first. Long ago she had recognized that a significant amount of the adoration she felt was hero-worship, but not all of it. She was sure that she'd been in love with Haruka back then. The blonde had been the only woman she'd ever even considered such a thing with.

She loved her husband dearly and that was never a question for her. When they'd been dating, she was surprised to find it entirely possible to love two people at the same time. He was wonderful and supportive and intelligent and quirky in the best of ways. Something about Haruka getting married felt different, frustrated her a bit. Despite all that she knew of her friend, of the reasons why it would never be, some part of her still longed for the other woman to admit there had been something between them, just so it was said in the open, in the light of day… so it became something real. _I thought about you in that way. I looked at you in that way_. It was challenging to accept that they were going to spend their lives with it being unspoken, a secret. She'd known it from the minute she'd asked Haruka to leave that night in her dorm. Would it have been better than what she had now? It was difficult to imagine it would be. Yukino was very happy, but she would never know and she dealt poorly with unknowns.

It was not uncommon, she'd learned, to have that one person that you always wondered about and Haruka was most definitely her 'what if'. Logically, she understood that the situation was not really fair to anyone involved. Besides, there was still so much good in the friendship, so much to be grateful for. Haruka was the girl that shoved Aito face-first into the sandbox when he'd called her a nerd and she always would be. Haruka was still her best friend in the world. She didn't know how she would've made it through her schooling without the girl, didn't want to imagine it. They hadn't asked for this and likely neither of them would have wanted it, given the choice.

When she thought of the future, she pictured their children playing together. She and Haruka would be smiling at one another with none of the directionless hurt that still lived in their eyes. She imagined herself being able to be entirely, selflessly happy for her friend. It was something to hope for, something to believe in...that someday the only love she would have for Suzushiro Haruka, soon to be Haruka Armitage, would be a friendly love. Moving had helped, had given her time and space, but she missed her friend, terribly at times. Oddly, she missed the things that irritated her the most. She missed her errors in speech, her tendency toward making fists to emphasize a point, her quick-fire temper.

Rolling up the plans, she began the daily process of neatening her office. The picture of her and her husband smiling through their misery in rain ponchos beside her computer caught her eye. It was taken during a honeymoon where the weather had adamantly refused to cooperate. Her eyes traced the frame and then him. She adored how tall he was, like a regular person taken and stretched. It was easy to imagine what a gangly teenager he must have been, the time it must have taken his muscles to catch up with his bones. A man now, he'd grown into his face and body, was handsome in an unconventional way. It made her smile fondly to see his long arms wrapped around her, nearly touching his own sides because of their span. He was different than Haruka in every way she could think of.

"Yukino." She looked to see him standing in her doorway, wearing the tweed jacket with elbow pads that made her picture a pipe held between his lips. "All set?"

"Almost." The soft smile she gave to him made him stand up a bit straighter. He had a tendency to slouch. She often wondered if it was the result of having to sit in furniture that was designed for a person of average height. She tucked the last of her tools into the large center drawer of her desk and walked over to him. Her head tilted slightly and he adjusted his posture further under the scrutiny as she fixed his thin tie and righted the collar of his jacket where it was tucked inside itself. She let her hand rest on his neck for a moment.

He gave her an embarrassed half-smile and leaned down to kiss her lightly. "Your dress is in the car and your shoes."

"You remembered your suit too?" He grinned proudly, pushing black glasses up on his nose.

"The list helped." He added.

She slipped her much smaller hand in his, glad he was coming with. It would make this whole thing just a little easier.

 **Aside #9: Buy the Car** _(Memory)_

"Ah, my most favorite Resident! It would seem my day is on the upswing."

A light frown greeted him in response, but eyes sparkled with the barest hint of amusement. She'd met the man in ER, performed his surgery under the supervision of her Attending, seen him twice since.

She nodded toward him. "How's your ankle?"

"Better every day, thanks to your superb craftsmanship." He rapped the top of the now split cast lightly. "It was almost a shame to cut it."

The young doctor knelt, pulling the pieces apart and manipulating the appendage lightly, testing the range of motion. "Your x-rays looked good. It's healing well. Tell me if anything I do hurts."

"No, it feels good as new. Perhaps better than it did before."

She wanted to roll her eyes at his silliness by when her gaze flicked to his now bare head, to the gaunt pull of his cheeks…worse than before...she suppressed the urge. Besides, it wasn't the most professional of behaviors anyway. "How are you feeling?"

"Admiring my new haircut are we?" He ran a hand over the smooth surface. "I feel fine, I believe I was given three more months, Kuga-sensei. I intend not to be terribly sick until then. Of course, before all this, I fully intended to live forever and we can see how well that worked out." A bright smile showed still white teeth.

She scoffed lightly, shaking her head. He was so strange. "Be careful if you're gonna go back out by that river."

"I most certainly will, though I cannot say it would be a hardship to have to see you again."

Ignoring the comment and the tiny blush it brought, she went about her business. "Okay, stand up." He did as he was told. "Any pain bearing weight?"

"None."

She took an air-cast from one of the nearby cabinets. "I'm gonna write you a script for this. You can walk on it now with the boot on. A couple weeks and you can take that off too, but put it back on if it starts to bother you."

"Understood."

"You can sit. I'll show you how to put it on." She showed him the fastenings as she fitted it to him, gazing up. "...did you buy that car you were talking about?"

A gleam showed in his reddish-brown eyes, he was clearly pleased. Whether it was because she remembered their previous conversation or because of the car, the young woman couldn't tell. "As a matter of fact, I was finally able to sell my cabin. Absurdly expensive car to cost more than a summer home, I still had to pull a good deal from my savings."

"Why not just rent whatever it is for a week or something, why buy it?"

"Because this way it is mine. Otherwise, I would merely be driving someone else's car. The vehicle is gorgeous."

"Gorgeous, huh?"

"It is the only apt descriptor. Kuga-sensei is not impressed with cars?"

"It's not that. I prefer motorcycles, I guess."

"A rebel, are we? Do you have one?"

She sighed at him lightly. "A Ducati DRIII. Does the ankle feel worse at night?"

"Not at all. The cold does affect it some."

"Still using the pain relievers?"

"Not for that past week, it has been unnecessary. I do hope you are careful. Motorcycles can be dangerous. Kanin-na for saying so, but it would be a shame to put even one scratch on such a beautiful face."

She held her tongue because coworkers and strangers were one thing; patients were another. Besides, his comments didn't annoy her to the same extent that some others had before. They were harmless, but she found herself wondering if she was giving him more latitude because he was dying. That thought was not one she liked the feel of. Maybe it was because he had the kind of warmth she wished her own father had. That thought was not one she liked the feel of either. She didn't need a father, she'd done fine without one.

Natsuki narrowed her eyes, but the look was not menacing, it was somewhere between admonishing and playful. "Sneaking a drive in your new car with that cast on was more dangerous."

He laughed. "You've bested me Kuga-sensei."

She favored him with a tiny grin of self-satisfaction and then frowned. "What're you gonna do with it when…" Her eyes widened as she realized what she had asked and she barely caught the curse that tried to escape. "I'm sorry."

He smiled. "Please, no use dancing around it." A sudden, oddly serious look came over him. "I suppose I will leave it to my daughter."

An eyebrow arched. "She likes cars too?"

He shrugged. "I haven't the slightest idea."

Another dark eyebrow floated up to meet its twin and both dipped downward. "Why leave her a car like that then?"

"My wife may drive the thing right into a river if I left it with her. She thinks I am having a crisis of some kind." He paused thoughtfully. "I suppose she is right." Studying the woman across from him carefully, he gave her a quirky smile. "You would like my daughter I think Kuga-sensei, she is quite the character." She considered commenting on how much like him she must be then, but decided against it, afraid it would come out too sarcastic. She found that she second-guessed herself more often with patients, was careful because she knew she tended to be unintentionally harsh. Better not to say anything that could be misinterpreted. There was a slip now and then, but she was developing a system, a catalog of questions to ask, the same mindless questions people asked her when she was younger, things to fill the space, things she remembered patients saying, a mental guide to making unobtrusive small talk. He was most definitely one of her easier patients that way, he did most of the work.

"A father could not ask for a better daughter, truly. She is a doctor as well, you know?" His eyes gentled and he looked a much younger man.

She tried to figure out how to respond. "Does she work here?"

The first frown Natsuki had ever seen on him, crossed his lips and his eyes clouded for a moment. "No. Unfortunately, I do not know where she works. We have grown apart you see and I've not had any luck reconnecting us."

"I'm sorry."

"Nothing for you to be sorry about." He smiled at the woman. "Humor an old man for a moment, will you, my lovely young doctor? Pretend there is wisdom in what I am saying. Let me die thinking I said something worth hearing to someone worth speaking to." She gave him a confused look. "I was going to travel the world when I retired Kuga-sensei, get my picture taken with the Dalai llama, ride a camel across a desert, wrestle a lion, climb an ice wall…those sorts of boyish fantasies." She nodded slowly, still not entirely accustomed to his animated way of speaking, his words that bordered on deliberately ridiculous. "It would seem that life had other plans. All of these experiences I set aside for later, for my retirement? I made a bad bargain. My time for money, money for a later I just assumed would be there. We always feel we have so much of it… time… always feel younger than we are, it is one of life's best illusions I think. The truth is that the future is nothing but a dream we have each day. We dream of fixing our mistakes, of the things we will do, of reconciliations, but they are still only dreams. We do not consider the time. So tell me, what is the moral of the story, Kuga-sensei?"

She stared at him for a second, trying to fish a response from the emotions his words had unexpectedly evoked. "I don't know."

He grinned. "Buy the car of course." She gave him a small smile. "And if you must die of cancer, make sure it is a rare one, something to brag to your friends about!" She laughed quietly because it was absurd and because she was uncomfortable with enjoying morbid humor in front of a patient. "Ookini, Kuga-sensei for all of you've done. Truly it was a pleasure."

She nodded, eyes shifting to the side, and then bouncing back to his. "Take care of yourself Viola-san."

"Yes, the same goes for you." He slipped his cap on and paused in front of her. She reached out to shake his hand and he clasped hers. "I've no doubt your future will be bright." With a smile, he walked out of her examination room. The idea that when she completed her residency in four months, he might not be alive any longer, it was impossible to consider in anything but its most abstract form.


	10. A Dinner, Reito, and HiME Project

**Narrative #10: A Dinner with Friends  
** **Date: November 9** **th** **, 2013** **… a Saturday**

"I haven't seen much of you lately. I was beginning to wonder if your feelings were waning." He said quietly, handing me a tea I recognized as being from a shop downtown I very much enjoyed. I climbed into the car and he shut the door behind me, returning to the driver's side.

"Ara, ara. Reito still feels insecure, even after all these years?" I answered with a small smile.

He laughed, a soothing chuckle as he clicked his seatbelt into place. "How foolish of me. Perhaps the challenges of your new title are starting to become tiresome? Not that I doubt your ability to handle whatever comes. However, should you need any assistance…"

"I do appreciate that." I honestly did.

"I have not seen both you and Haruka together either." Lifting the cup again to his lips, he glanced at me again.

"We've had differing schedules."

"Working with friends sometimes becomes exhausting."

"Are you tiring of my company?"

"Ah." He lifted a finger. "You know such a thing would be impossible. Should I be more direct?"

I smoothed out my dress with a sigh. "Haruka and I are not fighting." It was not an outright lie. Fighting required communication of some kind, which I was happily avoiding until the nibbling anger I felt at seeing her faded. I pulled my jacket a little tighter around me, sinking into my scarf. It was getting quite chilly outside.

"I see. You're simply relocating her accidentally, or did you not take over writing the case schedule from your chief resident?" He reached over, turning the heat up.

I was quite surprised. "Kanzaki-sensei is paying very close attention."

He gave me an admonishing look. "There is hardly a need with Armitage."

"If Haruka has a problem with the schedule, she is more than welcome to speak with me," I commented, successfully keeping my tone neutral.

His dark eyes caught mine. "I would not presume to speak for her, you should know that Shizuru." There was only gentleness in his stare and I could see the question inside it.

I softened my expression. "You needn't be concerned."

"She's been acting a bit strangely lately."

"Has she?"

"Yes. Disappearing periodically and even, dare I say more irritable than usual."

I said nothing in response, merely looked at him with an expression of mild interest. Nina-han had asked about her, seemed concerned when last I saw her, but I had thought nothing of it. Of all the residents, the rather serious dark-haired woman got on with Haruka the best. I, myself, found Nina-han difficult to converse with as she barely spoke, nearly never smiled, and was seldom responsive to humor. But personality aside, I could find no fault in her consistently excellent work. She was significantly more pleasant to deal with than her father in any case, who was the chief of my department.

A smirk wound its way across his lips. "Someone did ask after you, though it was not our blonde friend." I felt my heart speeding a bit and I was afraid to ask, the turn of his lips was clue enough. My avoidance of Haruka meant that being down in the OR required a bit of stealth. Since our lunch, Natsuki and I had only seen one another in the lobby on Tuesday, when her sister brought us together.

"Ookini Reito, for coming tonight."

"No thanks are necessary. It's my pleasure."

If that were the case, then I would try to be better company. I looked over at him noticing the small, neatly trimmed beard he'd been working at and the outfit he was wearing. Something was most definitely going well for him. "This is a new sweater. Reito looks quite handsome in it! Perhaps we should pick up a pastry or two from Mai-han's on the way?"

"That would be rather pointless." I turned my head to look at him, seeing a rather peaceful looking smile on his face. _Interesting._

"Would it? Why is that?"

"Mai-san had to close early today. A previous engagement."

"How unfortunate." I smiled to myself. "There is nothing you wish to tell me?"

He sent me another smile that was truer than most we shared. "I think you've already deduced what it is I would say." I wondered how long they'd been seeing one another, if he hadn't told me because we'd not seen one another, or because it was very new. Either way, I was quite pleased with the news, he deserved a bit of happiness. "Is it just Chie-san and Aoi-san this evening?"

"And Midori-han and Yohko, which leads me to suspect there will be a significant amount of drinking as well."

"Of course. Keiko-chan will not be there? If I remember correctly, she is quite fond of you."

"I believe Chie's mother is watching her tonight anyway and I was not the only one she was fond of. Perhaps Keiko-chan has even forgotten about me, it has been a while." I would need to see her soon.

"You are not an easy one to forgot." I smiled at him for the compliment, however unnecessary it was.

There were times when we were together that I wished I could fall in love with him. Odd that I would consider such a thing now, but it would make my life so much simpler and as of late, my life did seem to be actively gathering complexities. I imagined were we together, Reito and I would be married by now, perhaps with children. Surely all my sins would have been forgiven if I married a charming Japanese surgeon? The depth of his voice, the width of his arms, and the shape of him altogether dashed such a possibility. That aside, I could not imagine what madness my mother would dream up to explain the disappearance of my original husband and upcoming child. Not that it mattered now. I felt a sudden stab of guilt for asking him to come, for the fact that he seemed constantly surrounded by women. Likely that was not something he minded, but I wondered if he did not feel the need for some male bonding ever.

"I'm beginning to grow concerned with the friends Reito keeps," I commented lightly, to change the subject.

"I imagine there is one particularly troubling individual." He glanced at me and I raised an eyebrow at him in amusement.

"Should you not be out, 'running with the boys?' as they say?"

"I can find no fault in spending an evening with beautiful women."

I smiled. "Even with more than half of those women likelier to fall into each other's arms?"

"I would be hard-pressed to complain about that." I laughed softly which drew a similar reaction from him. I could not reprimand for such a comment when I myself agreed.

We were welcomed into their cozy home with the same open arms we always had been. Midori-han and Yohko had already opened a bottle of wine before we arrived, but it seemed as though they were both sipping. The redheaded woman was wearing some sort of visor and shuffling a deck of cards. I was mildly concerned.

"I hope you came prepared Kanzaki, no kids tonight. There's a 2000 Yen in for the 'Let's See Who Has the Ultimate Pokerface, Ultimate Poker Showdown'." She commented. We both smiled at her, but there was a touch of confusion on our faces. I had played the game once or twice, but never with any seriousness.

"I was under the impression this was a dinner party Chie?" Reito said, voice full of mirth as he helped me out of my jacket.

She smirked. "It was going to be."

"It _is_ going to be. I didn't cook all of this to have my kitchen table covered in plastic circles and playing cards." Aoi commented with a slight pout, looking adorable in an apron.

"Okay, dinner first!" The redhead had the good sense to remove her silly hat and start cleaning up. Everything was quite delicious, the conversation was light, Chie sharing this and that from her seemingly endless pool of gossip.

"So I hear your new fellow is a handful?"

"She is quite capable. That is more important." He answered diplomatically.

"I don't get what all the fuss over her is about anyway. She doesn't want to be friends with everyone, so what? I don't either." Yohko threw in. It was not unexpected for her to feel that way. The brunette nurse was one of the fairest and least judgmental people I knew. She liked most everyone the same amount… well enough… with the exception of friends (among whom I was happy to be counted).

"It's just that you are a little more…"

She gave him a look of dangerous amusement. Hazel eyes twinkled as they bounced between her friend and Reito, eagerly awaiting his answer.

"Affable." He settled on.

"God, what a boring word. I'm tame, you mean?" Reito grinned at her correction and I saw something of a laugh in the purple eyes of the woman across from me.

"Tamer than Kuga-han yes, but I would not say that you are tame." My comment drew a few laughs and Yohko gave me an entertained look as she sat back in her chair.

"Okay Shizuru, what _would_ you say?" She asked, arching an eyebrow.

I paused as if deep in thought. There were too many adjectives that came to mind. "I couldn't begin to describe Yohko. I'm afraid I wouldn't do her justice." I gave her a smile and she flicked her hand at me.

"Don't worry Shizuru-san, she probably won't bite! She's half-tame." Midori-han said through a laugh and I smiled. What a motley little group we made.

"That would also mean she's half-wild." Reito chimed in.

"So Yohko's pretty much housecat." The redhead was beside herself at Chie's description and I had to admit it was amusing. The woman in question did not seem overly impressed by it, though she took it in stride, as was wont to do with nearly everything. "So this Kuga-san is what then…feral?" The black-haired woman asked.

 _A puppy in need of taming_ my mind corrected. I felt a tiny bit of heat on my neck as the image of Natsuki's beautiful eyes came to my mind. My colleagues were not helping the situation with their twitching lips and sideways glances. I took another drink from my glass.

"What is that face they're making Shizuru?" Chie said laughing.

"Perhaps they've had too much wine." I gave Reito a warning look, which seemed to only widen his smile.

The nurse stared at me from across the table. "You're not getting out of this one."

"Honestly, you two. Yes, I like Natsuki, I suppose I find her...interesting." I said as if it were a curiosity that they were pushing the subject.

"Natsuki? Hmm." She rehashed. "I didn't mean to interrupt. You were saying you're interested in this woman?"

I gazed at her, smiling. "Chie is turning my words around on me."

She smirked. "Just interpreting as I go."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute...are you a lesbian too Shizuru-san?" Midori-han asked. The nurse beside her nearly spit up her wine. Chie and Aoi stared at her and then at one another. My eyes widened a bit and I blinked against my surprise. It may have been the first time someone actually said the word out loud to me. It was both true and unfamiliar to my ears. "But I thought you and Reito-san were at least…" She made some sort of bizarre gesture with her hand that I guessed was intended to represent intercourse. I felt my head tilt and it was his turn to choke on the shock of it.

"Come now Reito, is it truly such an unappealing a thought?" I joked quietly, patting his cheek. He tapped his chest lightly, eyeing me as though he no longer recognized me, his ears pink for the first time since we'd known each other.

"Oh! I get it." An epiphany as the woman stared at the two of us, "He's a _**lesbro!"**_

I felt myself blinking as my mind swam around the term. _Lesbro_? It sounded like an English word, but I had no idea as to its meaning.

"Hmm?"

" _ **Lesbro?"**_ Aoi repeated, as perplexed as I was.

"Lesbian plus brother, it's a guy who's friends with a bunch of lesbians. A _**lesbro."**_ Midori-han defended, her eyes jumping around in search of affirmation, her face clearly stating that she knew about this sort of thing, that she could participate in a discussion on such topics.

I glanced over at my now recovered dining companion, his expression indicating he was considering her pronouncement. Kanzaki Reito… _a_ _ **lesbro**_ … it was outlandish enough to be true. He was spending his Saturday rather uniquely.

"Alright, so what's a straight woman who's friends with a bunch of lesbians?" Chie asked, smirking.

"Outnumbered!" Midori-han answered with a grin, nudging Yohko. The nurse responded with a rather humorous expression that went unnoticed by her companion. I suppose that meant the redhead was completely unaware that her good friend had shared my bed on more than one occasion. It was a fascinating answer with quite a few possible interpretations, though the fact that she was joking about it this openly, surprised me. I kept that to myself.

A change in subject was in order. "Aoi, please tell us how your classes are this year." The brunette spoke briefly of her own trials at the private high school where she taught art to 'gifted' teenagers who, from the sounds of it, took the subject rather seriously.

"There is one girl that stands out." She said thoughtfully.

"Is there?" Mischievous eyes danced above thin-framed glasses.

She turned toward the source of the comment, tapping the woman's arm reproachfully. "She's very talented. I gave them a semester-long assignment. They have to create their own world in whatever medium they choose. She draws these anime characters. I mean she's given them back-stories and everything. Her style is just so interesting. I think she could actually make it if she wanted to. "

It reminded me of the situation with Natsuki's sister. Given the fact that Aoi worked at a high school, it was actually possible it was Natsuki's sister.

"She doesn't want to?" Reito asked.

"I honestly think she has no idea how good she is."

"Is there any money in that, though?" Yohko interjected sensibly.

"It's not about money. It's about passion and following your heart! If she has a talent she should follow her dream!" Midori-han announced excitedly, strands of orange-red bouncing wildly.

"Is that what you did? Chased your dream all the way to Fuuka University, Adjunct Professor Sasaki?" The brunette nurse said, a smirk on her face as she took another bite of her dinner, eying her friend. "Or was it something else you were chasing?"

She was no doubt referring to the much older professor of Paleontology Midori-han had married after what I understood to be a rather long engagement due to the travel involved in his work. They had two sons, the younger of whom was roughly Keiko's age. They both had inherited her red hair and mischievous brand of exuberance. Upon meeting me, they'd taken turns imparting more information concerning dinosaurs than I ever intended to learn. Every so often, at the most random and unpredictable moments, the word _Allosaurus_ still floated across my mind, said with her older son's subtle lisp.

"That's not the point." Yohko laughed lightly at her friend's petulant response.

"Have you talked with her about the possibility?" I asked, interested.

"She's very shy about it, but I tried."

"Well, what did she say?" Midori-han asked.

"She didn't say much. I think it embarrassed her more than anything, but she showed me a few more drawings. Still, you don't see that kind of skill too much. She gave me one actually. She was so cute about it, she left it on my desk with a note, while I was at lunch."

"She gave you one?" Chie asked, the most unusual little smile coming over her lips.

Aoi flushed lightly. "You make it sound so inappropriate." The woman in question grinned.

"Let's see it!" Midori-han said. I sensed her reluctance.

"Perhaps after your, what was it? 'Let's see who has the Ultimate Pokerface, Ultimate Poker Showdown'?" I suggested.

"How did you remember all that?" The nurse commented, pouring herself another glass of wine.

It wasn't long before the visor was back on and the lights were theatrically dimmed. I watched in surprised amusement as what could only be described as a dramatic monologue began. "Welcome to the first of what could be an annual competition of skill in the art of bluffing, betting, and strategy. 2000 Yen buys your way in, but will help you no further as the stakes rise higher and higher, until only one, the best, stands to be crowned the winner of the 'Let's see who has the Ultimate Pokerface, Ultimate Poker Showdown'."

"I'm out," Yohko said as soon as the speech ended, grabbing the whole bottle of wine, her glass and tossing herself in an armchair. I suppose that was one way to end this.

"Yeah me too. Sorry, Midori." Aoi agreed, pulling her lover over to the couch. They soon settled against each other.

Her face was rather comical as we all slowly drifted into the living room. I was beginning to feel slightly tipsy and so had stopped drinking. It had been said before that it was impossible to tell when I was drunk, even though I felt the effects of alcohol almost immediately. Reito was sober and as always, he had stopped after one drink.

"You never did say what interests you about that fellow." Chie reminded, her head resting back on Aoi's shoulder.

"That is true." I folded my hands in my lap after taking a seat on the floor, tucking my feet beneath me. It was difficult in the dress, but I felt most comfortable sitting low to the ground.

She laughed at my response. "How do you get her to talk Reito-san?"

"If you believe me capable of such a feat, I'm flattered." He laughed softly.

"Oh, she'll talk to anyone. " Yohko smirked. "Just not about herself, she'll quip circles around you before she'll let something personal slip." I suppose that was not unfair.

"It was not a question." I defended with a smile.

Suddenly a body with a pair of beaming hazel eyes threw herself down in front of me and my own opened a bit wider. "If that's the case, I'll ask the question. What about this fellow, Kuga-san, interests the calm and mysterious Fujino Shizuru?"

"Calm and mysterious?" I repeated, staring at them all as they watched me, anticipating my answer to the question. "I do not know." Collective groans met the response. _Such silliness._

"Textbook evasive answer!" Midori-han said, rolling her eyes playfully.

I gave a smile. "I have been interested since the first I saw of her, but I could not tell you why. I simply was." I received a searching gaze from across the room as glasses were pushed higher.

"I can understand that," Aoi said quietly, threading her fingers with those of her dark-haired blanket, placing a soft kiss on the crown of her head. They truly were too sweet with one another.

Yohko, on the other hand, seemed disappointed. "Damn. I would've put money on 'her eyes'"

"I would have as well." The man beside me agreed. I looked between the two of them mildly shocked, my lips pursing. "It seems we both would have lost."

"She has nice eyes?" Chie asked.

"They're beautiful, I'm sure many would say. An unusually intense green and all the more noticeable with her surgical mask on." The man said. I cocked my head at his answer.

"Would Reito say so?"

He smiled. "I believe we were discussing whether _you_ would say so."

The small prick of jealousy I felt was not welcome. I had no claim on the woman, nor did I believe Reito had any true interest in her.

"Wait…Kuga Natsuki. Kuga Natsuki..." Chie seemed to be deep in thought. "Aoi, that girl who was friends with Tate Yuuichi?" I looked on, confused.

"Oh my god, yeah! The green eyes! Wow, I totally forgot about her." The brunette was suddenly animated and turned to the rest of us. "We went to high school with her. She skipped all the time though, barely anyone knew her."

"She became a surgeon? Huh." The black-haired woman remarked. "That's kinda surprising." I wondered what she must have looked like back then.

"Mmm." Aoi agreed. "She was cute!" Chie shrugged and I smiled. Her tastes ran a bit sweeter. "A little rough around the edges though." The brunette added.

"Still is. Kuga-san scares the residents to death." Yohko tapped her fingernail against the glass of the bottle in her lap, as she spoke, swirling her wine glass in the other. _A rather practical, slightly sarcastic lush of a housecat._ And was this now going to become a habit? Comparing women I was attracted to with pets? It must be the wine. That must be what had me wondering after another woman who was much more a puppy than a kitten. "I think Fujino may be the only one unaffected by the eyes." I was most certainly not unaffected by them. "Probably because she has the same problem."

"My eyes make the residents anxious as well?"

"Not in the same way." She responded with a grin.

"There's nothing wrong with her eyes. They're very pretty." The redhead on the floor observed as if she had never seen my face before, sending me a wide smile, which I returned happily. She was apparently a flatterer when she was a bit drunk.

"Ookini, Midori-han. Should you not be cautious with your compliments though? You are, after all, outnumbered." I gave her a bright smile and she laughed, taking another sip of her wine.

"It's not about them being pretty." Yohko debated. "They're gorgeous, but Kanzaki, help me out!" _Gorgeous?_ Really now?

It was possible I was being ganged up on. "I believe in a rare moment of insight, Armitage described the look quite well."

"So Reito also thinks my stare is 'indecent'? _Ikezu_." I feigned hurt.

"Indecent?" Chie said, looking deep in thought. "Hm. It's subtler than indecent."

One side of Yohko's mouth quirked in amusement as she made a gesture with her thumb and finger indicating just how close to indecent she thought it was. I clicked my tongue at her reproachfully and she grinned.

"Subtler than indecent? That's a lot of wiggle room." Midori-han said skeptically placing her wine down, lying on her back. I agreed. Far too much wiggle room.

"Suggestive is a better word." Yohko studied my face and then added, "...those eyebrows too." I let myself fall into an expression of surprise, which drew a chuckle from the brunette woman.

"I believe Armitage's words were a 'look deep into my eyes and submit' stare. I suppose one could consider that both 'suggestive' and 'indecent'." Reito commented, refusing to be baited. As unnerving as being teased about all of this was, the atmosphere was relaxed and so very normal. It was strangely comforting to speak freely of such things, as if it were just an average conversation; it settled the unease that kept swelling over the past few weeks, soothed whatever had unseated itself inside me for a few peaceful moments.

"I suspect it's the very same stare Reito gives a certain shop owner whose pastries he finds so irresistible, no?" I asked with a smile, as all eyes turned on him, Chie's with particularly acute interest. Normalcy, of course, did not mean I intended to take it lying down.

**Digression #10: Kanzaki Reito  
** **Date: October 18th, 2013... a Friday**

He checked his watch as he walked down the street, his charcoal gray cashmere sweater feeling unusually warm. To any who passed by, he would have appeared a well-dressed man enjoying a stroll, peaceful almost, perhaps on his way home from work. However, on this day Reito was not headed to the garage that kept their cars. He had a different destination in mind, the shop he'd been coming to her shop for two and a half years now. His younger sister had left early to study for a test, which he was pleased about. Though it did seem his sister and Mai had forged a rather close friendship, sometimes he worried that her clinging drove the woman who'd so generously employed her insane. His sister, even if undeniably lovable, was quite the handful. In typical fashion though, Mai had never seemed to mind and responded to the attachment with the same unflappable optimism that made her so endearing.

Mikoto had always been a bit wild. She had grown up differently than he had. In fact, Reito had not even been aware of her until he was a teenager. He did not know how or why, but he was given up for adoption by parents he barely remembered. His recollections were patchy, mostly of his grandfather and a rickety house in some unknown, bucolic corner of the country. In the orphanage, he'd picked up on certain things quickly. He learned how to win people over, that smiles were incredibly persuasive, especially his. The attractive young orphan, whose handsome features and innate charm won a wealthy, but barren couple over when they'd visited, was soon adopted. They treated him well and loved him as a son. Truly they were wonderful people and he enjoyed all the perks that came with their status. He embraced being a Kanzaki and he appreciated how fortunate he was in all of this, even if there was a lingering sense of abandonment beneath his happiness.

When Mikoto showed up on their doorstep some eight years ago, looking as undomesticated as she would turn out to be, it was nothing short of a shock. He would have been inclined to disbelieve her story of a grandfather that just before dying had told her of a brother and given her a necklace, but the piece of jewelry grappled and tugged at his shaded memory while she stared at him with glassy eyes that mirrored his own. She terrified his adopted parents and was difficult to manage, was unrefined, and not versed in any social norms. The girl was childlike, naive, and too young for her age. Nonetheless, he'd persuaded them to allow her into the estate on Fuuka island in which he resided. Slowly, he calmed her, got to know her, began to understand her. He did his best to teach her a more acceptable way of interacting with others. Their situation reminded him a bit of a musical he vaguely recalled seeing in his childhood. His adopted mother had loved classic American movies and Audrey Hepburn, modeled herself after the woman to some degree. He vividly recalled watching them with her as a young boy on Friday evenings, how beautiful she looked with her dark hair done up a la _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ , hand resting delicately on her chest, overcome by the more romantic scenes.

As he got to know Mikoto, he found it impossible not to care for her, to want to protect her. She could have been him had he not somehow ended up in that orphanage. She did make certain things difficult though… dating being one. She seemed to overwhelm some people she met, because she took to them so quickly, so intensely. It was a death knell for him when a woman did not respond well to his sister… and it sounded with disheartening frequency. Mai's acceptance of the girl had been a turning point in his developing feelings for her. What had started as a sexual attraction, mild interest perhaps had blossomed into a definite infatuation much to Shizuru's delight.

His friend had noticed almost immediately and had been subtly dropping hints ever since. Occasionally he wondered at the connection that he and the woman shared, how it was that they were able to keep so much from the world, and so much less from each other. The reasons did not matter one way or another he supposed because at this point it simply was. At first, he'd even been taken with the beautiful Anesthesiologist, perhaps because they were so similar and she was a gorgeous woman. Normally he would have been put off by her disinterest, but he had quickly noticed that the places her eyes wandered were the same places as his own did. It was fascinating to him to observe, to see what she was able to get away with because of her less threatening packaging.

Around her, he never had more than one drink, never allowed himself to lose control, lest he say something foolish. He valued the friendship too much for that, understood the rarity of finding someone, man or woman, who understood him as she did. In addition, he was not overly fond of himself when he was intoxicated. He became something of a letch, almost uncouth, his subtleness and charm dissolving.

He'd never seen Shizuru drunk either, couldn't imagine it really. As close as they were, he'd also never witnessed Shizuru display more than a passing interest in someone, just flirtatiousness with no discernable intention of letting it deepen. She exuded a subtle magnetism that had people eating out of her hand with amusing speed. It seemed at times, at least to him, that her playfulness was merely a response to their adoration of her, not from any true feeling on her part. Emptiness was the word that came to him when he watched her sometimes, a word he felt guilty for associating with her. His friend was not empty, nor was she shallow, so the shift he saw when she teased people must have been deliberate. It was this deliberate emptiness that caused him to worry on her behalf.

All of this made the sight of her succumbing to her own little crush, on his fellow of all people, something of a relief. Not that he blamed her for it, Kuga-san was exceptionally good looking and that was something he couldn't help but appreciate. However, the fact that the woman's aloofness and brash manner seemed to intrigue Shizuru further was unexpected. In fairness, he'd never met any of her prospects so he had little to judge her tastes by. Most encouraging of all was that in the looks and smiles he caught her giving Kuga-san, there was no emptiness, nothing hollow. It was solid and most definitely born of feeling.

Tabling his thoughts on Shizuru, he refocused. Today was a day that he intended to devote to resolving one of his own hang-ups so to speak. He followed the familiar curves of the sidewalk to a quaint shop where a redheaded woman was dragging chairs inside. Smiling, he hung his leather messenger bag on the small wrought iron fence that surrounded the modest outdoor patio occupying the storefront. With a smile he rolled up his sleeves, grabbing one himself and following her, unnoticed until both were set down.

Lifting his head, he gave a warm smile to the startled woman as she finally noticed him. "Good evening, Mai-san."

"Reito-san." She greeted, a small puff of air escaping her, as she nervously straightened her hair. With a nod he walked backed out, stacking the two chairs that remained. "I can do that! Really."

"Please. Allow me." He said gently, carrying them in. With the slightest flush on her cheeks, she followed him in. She began cleaning off the tables and he walked behind the counter taking a rag and a spray bottle, as he had done a few times before. Quietly they finished washing the tables, each stealing glances at each other, neither catching the other.

"The shop looks wonderful." He commented. "I see you finished the display case."

She laughed nervously, untying the apron from around her waist and hanging it on the wall. Placing her hands on her hips, she surveyed the room. He silently put both towels and the cleaner away, rinsing his hands. "Yeah, it looks a little more professional I think." She turned back to the man who was adjusting his sleeves.

"I trust everything is working out with Mikoto?"

A warm smile crossed her face, and she adjusted her hair. "She's such a big help."

"How nice to hear."

"I'd offer you something to eat, but I've already closed everything up." She smiled anxiously, hand in her red hair.

"Ah. The thought is appreciated." He said quietly, but still with the same calm tone he always used. It was quite convincing and revealed nothing of the twisting inside his stomach. "Pardon me for my forwardness, but are you seeing anyone currently?"

Her eyes widened, a small frown crossed her lips. "That was a little forward." She mumbled, eying him. It was a misstep, but he would not give up quite yet.

"I meant no disrespect Mai-san, I am a bit out of practice perhaps. I'm asking because I wanted to know if you would be willing to join me for dinner?"

"Tonight?" She asked, feeling shocked and stupid.

His smile never faded. "If you'd like."

"No, well not 'no'…" She was embarrassed and flattered. "I would but..." He looked on, waiting patiently for her to finish. "There are some things I need to do to close up here … and I'm kind of a mess right now." A quick glance was thrown toward her clothes.

"Mai-san, I can assure you're anything but. It would be my pleasure to help you here and then accompany you to dinner. Only if you'd like, of course." He looked meaningfully at her, his tone gentle.

Her eyes met his and she paused, blushing prettily, while he focused on remaining even, relaxed. With a sudden enthusiasm, her lips curled upward. "Okay. Let me finish up and I'll just grab my purse."

With a more genuine smile replacing the one he so often wore, as they put everything back in order. He stepped back outside, slinging his bag over his shoulder with a new lightness as he waited for her to join him.

**Aside #10: The HiME Project** _(Background)_

Kuga Saeko had first encountered the HiME gene on a trip to Micronesia. Rumors of a Matriarchal tribe whose women experienced unusual longevity and vitality drew her college professor to the island, accompanied by several of his brightest grad students. It required blood samples, which she took, and interviews with the tribal women via a translator. She was meticulous in her collections, in her records, and in her observations. History upon history revealed that the women were routinely living to over 100 years of age, many with teeth intact and no signs of physical or mental disease. The men of the tribe showed no such longevity and were ordinary in every other respect. Immediately she realized if this was genetic, it required the presence of two copies to express, that they would have to be located exclusively on X chromosomes to manifest only in the women. Her mind began planning for it already. She took samples of the staple foods in their diet for analysis along with dietary records for five of the longest-lived women in the village to cover all her bases. The women were also remarkable healers and used a wide variety of local plants for various medicinal purposes. She prepared samples of all of those as well.

They happened to arrive in time for one of the most important rites within the tribe's culture. Their leader, at the age of 99, was dying. The new leader was selected through some sort of ceremony, which they were preparing for. The word for it was translated roughly as 'carnival'. It happened rarely since their leaders tended to live so long. Twelve of the strongest warriors were selected from the younger women and trained to fight one another for supremacy. She found the entire concept disturbing especially when it was explained that the losers were not killed, instead, their families were and any future offspring. This way, only the strongest warriors continued the tribe. Nonetheless, what they saw of this carnival amazed them, impressed them. The healing abilities of the women, their strength, it was almost superhuman, beautiful despite the brutality of it. The winner would become the 'princess' until the leader died, when she would become queen.

Saeko spent the next two years preparing and sending out the samples of local plants and dietary specimens from Micronesia. All analyses indicated that they were from fairly common species, nothing unique. The excitement she felt in that moment, reading the last of the reports on the dietary samples, was unparalleled. It meant that the healing, the lack of disease, the strength, was more than likely genetic in origin. The real work started as she began to process the 117 blood samples she'd collected. It took years, graduate school, and some post-doc work, to isolate the gene and make it express anything at all. She called it HiME, an acronym based upon its molecular components and a play on words. One of her lab assistants, Sakomizu, had come up with the name. Once experimentation began, it became clear that the gene produced some anti-oxidizing effects, which pointed immediately to its potential as a tumor suppressant or perhaps an anti-carcinogenic. Carcinogenesis was of particular interest to Saeko. She'd spent most of her life as an only child because of cancer, a glioblastoma that stole a much older sister away at the age of twenty-nine. Saeko had been a surprise, sneaking up on her parents when her mother was forty-three and thought herself past those years. Her sister was already eighteen. Their age difference was so vast that her sister was already out of the house and living her life before she could form memories. This research, HiME...it was like chasing a ghost, trying to figure out exactly how the gene worked. Each time she got close, some new complications in the mechanism brought her three steps backward. Either way… Iwasaka dealt in treatments, and it would be a breakthrough if they could find a way to introduce it, to control it.

Early results were concerning. The first introduction was given via injections of DNA strands containing the gene and had very low success rates. In addition, in very rare cases, it seemed to be absorbed selectively by the tumor itself, causing malignant growth to accelerate and become unresponsive to treatment. An entire test group of mice fell victim to this when they tweaked the serum, becoming so riddled with tumor that their skeletal bodies were rendered immobile before they died, before the nutrient and blood-robbing tumors starved them to death. Saeko had considered abandoning the project in the frightening aftermath of this, in fact, it shook one of her assistants so badly he quit a month later. It was possible that the gene was causing heightened aggression as well, but she could not determine whether the squabbles among the mice were due to irritability resultant of their sickness or an actual effect of the gene itself.

She began to consider that her dream of prevention might actually be viable when she attempted to induce cancer in some of the mice previously used in the control group. Her success rates with it were pitiful. This unexpected finding was the most promising result of the HiME experiments yet, but it would be an extraordinarily hard sell to Iwasaka. They had no interest in prevention and she knew that. Still, the possibility could not be ignored and she continued her experiments. Some more adjustments to the introduction mechanism were made, a switch to a viral vector rather than naked DNA and it seemed to curb but not prevent the most concerning side effects. It was during this time that Homura Nagi came on board to replace her second assistant.


	11. More Songs, Aoi, and the Room

**Narrative #11: More Songs for a Sketch**   
**Date: November 26** **th** **, 2013 … a Tuesday**

Today I had given Alyssa her book back with a few of my own words and phrases spelled phonetically and then written in Japanese on a page tucked inside. I'd not written them in, as I did not know whether it would upset her format or if there were actually English equivalents I was unaware of, or if it mattered whether they were written in her hand. She was quite excited about each of the three, so it would seem I'd done well.

 _"Koi no yoken_ (JAPANESE) – the feeling that future love is inevitable  
 _Komorebi_ (JAPANESE)– dappled light effect of sunlight through trees  
 _Yoko meshi_ (JAPANESE) – peculiar stress induced by speaking a foreign language"

Afterward, I played another of the pieces that lay etched in my memory as we waited. The girl had come closer this time, only a few feet away, a light blush on her cheeks and attention fixed for the duration of the piece.

"How do you remember all that?" She said when I finished.

I smiled at her, taking a seat across from her. "I have practiced it so many times, my fingers remember it for me."

She was clearly mulling something over in her head, quirking her lips as she considered whatever it was. As she turned her unknown thought over in her mind, I fell into observing her. There were not many physical traits in common between Alyssa and Natsuki, perhaps their build was similar. Alyssa was taller than Natsuki, but both had a lean muscularity. I had difficulty picking out much else that was alike and I wondered at the differences.

"Your Japanese is different." She said finally, breaking me from my thoughts.

I nodded, smiling at her. "I am from Kyoto originally. Is understanding me more difficult for you?"

"Maybe a little, but I can usually figure it out. Besides, I could use the practice."

"You speak it well already."

She blushed lightly again. They did both have that delightful little trait. "Um, thanks!"

"Your sister tells me you just moved here?"

She nodded. "From England, yeah. A few months ago."

I watched her curiously, the way she fidgeted with the tail of her shirt. Did I make her nervous or was this strictly the shyness Natsuki spoke of? "Are you enjoying Japan?"

"Yeah! It's totally different." From her tone, I could not tell how she meant 'different'. "I dunno. People know my dad over there and it's nice to not have that here, I guess."

Interesting that she already trusted me enough to say such things, though our previous conversations had also been rather comfortable. "Alyssa wished to be inconspicuous, perhaps?"

A strange smile crossed her lips. "That's it exactly."

"And it is better?" I asked. "Being inconspicuous?"

"I think so. I mean I still stand out." She eyed a bit of blonde hair that had fallen in front of her face. "I don't know. I want to do something that… " She struggled with finding her words. "That's mine, I guess. Because I did it, created it… on my own." Such ambition in so young a girl.

"That is admirable."

"You don't think it's…" She seemed to struggle, and I wondered over whether it was finding the word in Japanese or saying it all that troubled her.

I looked at her curiously, questioning gently. "Think that it's what?"

There was another beat of silence while she thought. " _ **Egotistical**_?"

It an unexpected choice of words. "Because you are indulging the desire to create something that is yours alone?" She nodded. I suppose that was a question worth considering, but in her case, I was sure of the answer. "No. I do not. Speaking of which, do you not owe me another drawing?"

"Oh! Um… just one, right?"

"Yes. Just one."

I waited patiently as she flipped through her sketchbook, coming to a decision. Looking at the drawing she had handed me and was shocked to see another face I recognized. It was the face of our bartender or rather several faces. There were nearly seven individual sketches each with a different expression, each emotion wonderfully recognizable. The one in which she was weeping struck me as amusing. It was in the same manga style as the image of Natsuki and the image of a girl I did not recognize from the time before. The last of the images depicted Nao-han standing, a metallic claw fit over her hand, covering half her face. It was a fitting weapon. I noted that she was drawn wearing a school uniform. I supposed it was safe to assume she did indeed know the bartender, which made sense given Natsuki seemed to know her as well.

I smiled. "They are wonderfully done."

"Thanks."

"Natsuki tells me you sing as well?"

"Um… I do. I used to sing a lot more. I'm trying to get back into it, I guess."

I gazed at her. "Can I ask what stopped you?"

She looked away, frowning at the ground. "It's a little embarrassing, but I used to sing for my nanny when I was little. When she left… I just stopped. I think I started to miss it."

"Do you find that you enjoy still?"

"Yeah. I'm definitely nervous, but singing reminds me of her."

I smiled at her. "Playing brings back memories of my piano instructor."

She gave me a toothy grin. "I tried singing in this talent exhibition at school two weeks ago."

"And it went well?"

"I didn't throw up, which is good. That's what I was most worried about." She rubbed at her arm and then looked up at me. "Sorry, that was gross."

She was a bit strange, but in a way I very much enjoyed. "If Alyssa's singing is anything like her drawing, it must have been wonderful." Another light flush came at the compliment. "I would like to hear you sometime."

She gave me a doubtful glance. "You would?"

"If you're comfortable with that. So, does Alyssa have any other hidden talents?"

"Nope. What about you?"

I gazed at her, resting my folded hands on my lap. "Nothing noteworthy."

It did not appear that she believed me. "I think you're being modest."

My eyebrow arched at her and she had a moment of boldness where she grinned at me again. I rewarded it with a bit of honesty. "My mother's side of the family practiced Naginatajutsu. I've taken lessons since I was young and am reasonably proficient at it."

"What's Naginatajutsu?"

"The practice of and forms associated with the use of a Naginata, is Alyssa familiar with the weapon?" She shook her head. "It is a curved sword mounted atop a pole. Traditionally, they were a weapon used by samurais and their wives in defense of their homes. The women on my mother's side have practiced it for generations."

"Wow, could you kill someone?" I laughed softly because she was serious. What an unusual follow-up question. She smiled self-consciously. "Sorry!"

"Do not be sorry, you've no reason to be." I tapped the top of her hand and she smiled at me sheepishly.

"Do you still do it?"

"Coincidentally, I just resumed the practice after several years." In one of the boxes my father left was a Naginata I recognized as belonging to my mother. How it got mixed in among his collection was impossible to know. "What does Natsuki say about your sketches? She must be quite proud." I handed her back the spiral-bound pad, which she placed on her lap.

Over her shoulder I could see her sister approaching with her usual seriousness, lovely green eyes fixed on us. We'd taken to talking to one another briefly in the hall, and exchanging smiles, hers smaller than mine. She'd even started initiating conversation, was much less skittish and cautious with me. We'd turned a corner I hoped. Curiously enough I would often see her having lunch with Sakomizu-han. His rather distinctive hair was readily recognizable even from a distance. It looked so strange when coupled with his comparatively small body. I remembered when I first saw her on that elevator...she had met him for lunch. His name, I had learned through my growing association with the research projects.

She stared down at her feet. "I haven't shown her any of them. She's pretty busy."

"Hey, Shi… _ **is that… Nao**_?" Her raven-colored head cocked sideways taking in the page with fascination.

The young blonde nearly jumped out of her seat, snapping the notebook closed and spinning. I covered my smirk as she turned in the chair and stabbed her finger into the woman's chest. Natsuki shuffled back, adorably wide-eyed. _**"Don't**_ _ **creep up on me!**_ _ **"**_ That huff, the puppy-like growl, and their similarities were growing.

" _ **So, what's with the**_ _ **cartoon**_?" She asked, scratching at her neck, clearly knocked off-kilter by the angry reaction.

" _ **N**_ _ **othing, it's for art class.**_ "

" _ **But…**_ "

" _ **I**_ _ **t's crap, Nat. Leave it!**_ " I was amused to see the girl's proverbial teeth come out and she had been so polite up to this point.

" _ **Okay…relax.**_ " The young doctor raised her hands in a gesture of peace, but her lip curled in annoyance.

"I do not think you should malign your talent like that. All your drawings are very good." Eyes like forests met mine, hurt hiding inside them and I wondered if perhaps Reito and Yohko were correct, if those emerald pools were what captured me so? The younger woman looked at me as though I were betraying some confidence between us. It may have been true. She stated she'd shown none of her drawings to Natsuki. Perhaps our trades had been a secret to her. I had wounded them both. _Two chins to scratch._ "The ability to produce things of beauty should not be hidden, most especially from those who are close to us. It is a gift."

I watched as mirrored blushes colored their cheeks, and I could not help the bright smile on my face as I gathered my things to leave. The both of them together, red-faced and gazing at me. It was a bit much, and I closed my eyes.

"Fujino-san," The girl said.

"It is alright for you to call me Shizuru."

"Shizuru-san." It was the first time I'd heard Alyssa speak my name and it was quite different with her accent, the 'u's much more pronounced.

"Yes?"

"Thanks, for my book back and for the words."

"You are quite welcome, Alyssa." The earnestness in her blue eyes made me smile.

Natsuki slowly came around the chairs, leaning against the empty seat next to her sister, watching the girl out of the corner of her eye for a moment, before turning to look at me. "I still owe you a meal." She said flatly.

I had never met a person who walked so blindly into verbal set-ups before. "Natsuki is asking me out tonight? I accept."

The younger woman smirked and the older frowned. "No, I'm not."

"Ikezu." Her cheeks were a soft pink as she glared. "Perhaps Alyssa would care to accompany me to dinner then?"I asked lightly.

" _ **Love to!**_ " I felt my eyes widen the smallest amount. I had not anticipated that reaction, but that accent was truly adorable. A smile covered my face and I flicked my eyes toward her sister.

"It appears I have a date then if you'll excuse us." The young woman glanced shyly at me, clearly enjoying the joke.

"Like hell you do, Shizuru." Natsuki countered lowly, with a rather sexy little half-smirk, eyes narrowed. That mouth was a bit dangerous. Perhaps I'd gone too far. Her phone suddenly went off, interrupting our exchange. Irritated, she pulled it from her bag and stared at it, with a sudden, disbelieving expression.

"Are you on call this evening?" I asked, curious.

"…no." Her tone was strange and distant as her eyes flicked to the door.

Alyssa seemed to notice the change as well. " _ **Nat?**_ "

I watched as a man with short brown hair walked into the building, his hands shoved in his pockets. They stared at each other and I felt uneasy. She was looking at him as if he were a ghost. I would not have guessed that this was her boyfriend or husband, though the possibility scratched at me with an intensity that I found distracting. Ours was a budding friendship. She would be perfectly within bounds to carry-on with whoever she chose. It was foolish of me to need reminding in the first place. With some hesitation, Natsuki's sister waved at him and he returned it with a guilty expression. The blonde girl looked at her sister, concerned, and touched her arm in a gesture of reassurance, much the way I was wanting to... if only to remove that terrible haunted expression.

" _ **Go, it's fine. The buses are still on**_ _ **.**_ " I had no issue with driving the girl home myself, but I wondered if the offer would be seen as too intrusive.

That seemed to break whatever spell held her, and she shot the girl an alarmed look. " _ **No way, there's too many weirdos on the bus at this hour.**_ "

Considering my options, I decided to try it. "I would be happy to drop Alyssa off somewhere."

"It's probably way out of your way." She rubbed at the back of her neck, looking worriedly between us and that man.

"I do not mind," I said. In truth, I wanted to leave because whatever was to happen between them, I had no desire to see it.

She bit her lip and furrowed her brow in the most endearing expression of sisterly concern I'd ever witnessed.

Alyssa took her hand in hers, giving it a squeeze. " _ **I'll be fine Nat**_ _ **.**_ _ **Talk with him.**_ "

A stern look suddenly came over her as she slung her satchel over her shoulder. " _ **T**_ _ **ext me when you get home.**_ "

She got a quick nod, then Natsuki turned to me, green eyes somehow deeper. I fought the urge to look away as my breath caught. "Shizuru… thanks for this, you didn't have to."

"Really, it is no trouble. " I answered giving her my best smile, letting my eyes close for a moment to collect myself. Her audible sigh called my gaze as she walked toward the door, toward whoever the man was to her, looking much like she was marching off to her death. It was disconcerting to witness.

"Shizuru-san?"

I turned to see the young woman across from me. "Hmm?"

Crossing my arms over my knee, I positioned myself so it was impossible to see Natsuki and the man as they walked away. I quirked a brow at Alyssa, waiting for words as she pulled at her earlobe, glancing up shyly. "Thanks for offering."

"Of course."

"You really don't have to drive me home if it is out of the way. I'll take the bus and tell Nat you drove me."

 _How devious_. I gave her a scandalized look, which seemed to only amuse her. "I am afraid I've made a promise, so I must keep it. Shall we?" She nodded, smiling.

We walked toward the elevators that lead to the parking garage. I felt silly for being relieved that I could no longer catch their retreating forms in my field of vision. What right did I have to even be thinking of her?

A light touch on my arm surprised me. "Um…which floor?"

I pressed the correct level. "Alyssa must think I am rude. She seems to catch me at my most distracted. I am either ignoring her or nearly trampling her."

She grinned, shaking her head. "That's not true."

I nodded. "I am pleased you think so."

"Shizuru-san?"

"Hmm?"

She kicked at the ground, apparently losing her nerve to say whatever it was she wanted to. "That guy," I looked straight ahead, freezing my face in a smile, attempting to swallow the lump in my throat. "He used to be her best friend, and then he was her boyfriend for a few years. They broke up." She said incredibly quietly.

"Why would Alyssa tell me such a thing, I wonder?" I teased only to calm the pounding of my own heart, watching as she turned red and then a funny sort of determined look crossed her face. We walked together through the cement structure, our footsteps echoing in the empty silence.

She seemed as though she were trying to force something out. "You seemed worried, maybe because Nat looked so worried. She knows him though, she'll be fine with him is what I'm saying, it's just they haven't talked in a year. Never mind…sorry… that was a stupid thing to say." A hand ran agitatedly through her hair and I looked at her, gentling my eyes. A year… I wondered what would bring them together again.

"It is sweet of you to be concerned." I corrected and then stopped. "This would be my car."

"Ha-ah! This?!" I was shocked as a shaking hand stroked along the silver hood. It was the first week I'd taken the vehicle my father had left me.

I blinked. "Does Alyssa like cars?"

"This isn't just a car! It's a _**Vanquish,**_ right? Oh wow, it's gorgeous." The teenager was actually caressing my headlamp and gazing at the machine with the most obvious look of longing I'd ever seen. She touched her lips with the fingertips of her opposite hand, as she walked the perimeter. I felt as if I was intruding on some intimate moment. I attempted to relax my eyebrows as they were well on their way to my hairline.

I blinked again, pushing my surprise away as I walked up and she whipped her head toward me as I held out the keys. "You should take us."

"I, no… there's, no…no way, I couldn't."

I smiled at her look of absolute shock. "You've driven a manual before?"

"Yeah… but, Shizuru-san… this car…I can't."

"Alyssa knows more about the vehicle than I do. I think that makes her suitably qualified." I said dropping the metallic objects into her hand, patting her cheek, and walking toward the passenger door.

She stared at the keys, motionless for a moment before she trotted over and climbed in as if the entire machine were made of glass. Reverently, she settled her hands on the steering wheel.

"I mean, are you sure that you're sure?"

"I am sure that I am sure, yes."

She grinned lopsidedly at me as she started the engine, its power immediately apparent. She took a moment to close her eyes and listen to it. She whispered to herself in English, and though I wasn't entirely certain what it meant, I tried not to chuckle at her, because it was such sincere excitement. As she pulled out though, I wondered if I was in for a repeat of my trips with Midori-han and Yohko. I had ridden with both of them before and was not certain that my internal organs had ever fallen back into their proper arrangement. Thankfully Alyssa was a careful driver.

"This is so amazing!" She said joyously nearly bouncing in her seat, as we drove on the highway at a modest speed. I wished I enjoyed this car anywhere near as much as she did. "Hey, I'm sorry if I said too much before."

I smiled at her. "Do not be silly. Was that all you wished to say?"

"Oh." She was apparently still ashamed of it. "Yeah, that was it."

"Your cheeks seem to say otherwise." A frown took her lips as the pink darkened and she threw me a quick pretend glare. _Sisters._

"It's just, Nat isn't…" I dearly hoped this conversation was not going where it appeared to be going. "Like other people." She settled on.

I glanced at her curiously. "I would agree. That is a good thing though, is it not?"

She bit her lip as she thought, looking embarrassed. "She seems kind of rough sometimes but she doesn't mean anything by it. She's a good person."

I could hear what she was truly saying in the tone of her voice. _Please don't hate my sister._ "You do not need to apologize for Natsuki. I enjoy her company." I also find her to be distractingly beautiful, and absolutely intriguing but that was better left unsaid and unconsidered, especially with the news of a re-emerging ex-boyfriend.

She gave me a quick glance, perhaps to assure herself of my seriousness. "Good. That's good." I peered over at her questioningly. "Shizuru-san, just so you know, sometimes she doesn't notice subtle stuff. She's kinda stubborn and you have to say it to her straight. Alright, sorry, I'm done. I promise."

I was somewhat unsure what to do with that information, but it was useful and I thought I understood the intention behind it. In a way, it was quite sweet, though misplaced. "Ookini, Alyssa."

**Digression #11: Senoh Aoi  
** **Date: November 13, 2013** **… a Thursday**

Aoi was resting her back against the far wall of the auditorium, tilted at a very particular angle, one that was designed to obscure the position of a hand. She was watching Akane and her Kazu-kun, waffling over whether or not to ask them to separate. Her struggle resulted from the fact that technically speaking, as a member of the faculty, she should probably say something, but personally speaking, she didn't care in the least. They were seventeen, they were 'in love', and she had Chie's hand rubbing and wonderfully warm on the small of her back.

"Who're the lovebirds?" The dark-haired woman whispered to her.

"One is a student of mine, Akane…" She said, adjusting her white cardigan. "And the other is her boyfriend."

"I would hope so." A laugh, it didn't happen all that often. Not that her lover was morose or anything of the sort, but she was more one to smile or grin. That laugh though, it was soft and low and rich and made Aoi smile each time she heard it. "Should you do something?"

"Probably." She conceded with a smirk. "But the show is about to start." A person entering the auditorium caught her attention and she dropped her voice to a whisper. "Oh! Oh! That's her!"

"Who?"

"The Scowler!" Aoi added, her eyes acquiring the very specific twinkle that they did when she was excited. "The one I told you about." The two of them had a habit of nicknaming strangers when people watching. 'The Scowler' was a woman who had come to a few of the school events, really only the talent exhibitions put on by the art department. She was a woman always just shy of being late, who walked quickly and frowned often as she was currently demonstrating. "Right there, that's it!" She indicated the woman's current expression, the origin of the name.

"It's a deep one," Chie admitted, glancing sidelong at the girl. Keiko, who had been clutching at Aoi's cropped pants looked over as well, but with a much higher degree of obviousness. "Slap some blue hair and a few more piercings on her…"

"Wow, it is her, isn't it?"

"I think so. She looks so different. You're right by the way, she's kinda cute."

"Watch…she's gonna cross her arms, throw herself against the wall, and look like she doesn't want to be here." As if on cue, the woman did just that, adopting a look of one put-upon. Aoi touched the dark-haired woman's elbow. "Hmm. I wonder why she comes?"

"She must be here for someone." Was the response.

"I don't know who, though. There's no student named Kuga I can think of. She could be married though." Aoi informed her companion as she twined her hand with her daughter's. "See if you can tell Chie-chan."

There was a nod coupled with that speculative gaze, the one that made the brunette want to climb right into her lover's lap. In the near darkness, the pair watched the woman in the subtle way they'd perfected over the years. Aoi played idly with the braid in Keiko's hair, Keiko chewed at the skin of her thumb, and Chie continued to rub Aoi's back. It was a subtle touch, done almost absently, a habit that had developed after their little scare six years ago. The teacher wondered if her lover even realized she did it. She had yet to mention it because that hand, that touch… it was the thing that pulled her through. It was always there, the moment some thought came to her. When she began to wonder about silly things, brief thoughts about what she might have done differently during her pregnancy, if maybe she hadn't had that glass of wine if she hadn't slept on her side so much. They were the things that could drive you insane, eat you alive if you let them, and all it took was that hand of her back, her leg, her face to stop them.

She could still remember the first time she felt them on her body in a way that was anything more than friendly. It was in the girl's bathroom in high school, not very romantic, but she still cherished the memory. She remembered trying to stop staring at her friend's mouth…remembered wanting to kiss it, how confusing it was at first even though from the moment she first saw Chie, there was an indefinable feeling that never left, only grew. After a month of lip watching, she couldn't stand it anymore, left her a note to meet her in the bathroom, no explanation. Chie had been right on time, as usual, and looked at her with those beautiful eyes, questioning, framed perfectly in her glasses. Aoi knew she probably appeared as nervous as she felt, her hands were shaking so badly.

At the time she'd only kissed a few boys. She didn't really have a clue how to do what she wanted to. For lack of a better plan, she just pressed her lips to Chie's…quickly…suddenly… pulled back almost in a wince to see the dark-haired woman's mouth form an 'o', her eyebrows rise. The brunette remembered wanting the earth to open up and swallow her for a split second, remembered trying to brush past the other girl, but those hands, always gentle, had stopped her. Then, she had been kissed back. Those hands had fallen to her waist, resting on her hips, their warmth obvious even through her school jacket.

Lost in the sweet memory, she smiled at nothing and twirling the silver band on her ring finger. She thought about its inscription. It was one that Chie had chosen; _Koi no Yoken_. She was embarrassed and happy when her lover's watchful eyes brought the fidgeting to her attention. Aoi noticed that bright blue eyes were gazing at her curiously as well and she sent her daughter a cheerful grin. She made a concerted effort to keep from dwelling on what had happened with her pregnancy. The end result was more important. She'd been okay. Keiko was here, climbing into a chair just in front of her. It seemed impossible to her sometimes, when she tucked her daughter in at night, that Keiko had grown at all… that a person barely bigger than her hand had become just another six-year-old. It was a similar feeling to the one that overwhelmed her when she and Chie would take their daughter to the park, when she would see Keiko running around, jumping and skipping about as though she weren't a miracle. With a smile, she glanced down at hair that was the same color as her own, braided pigtails, a wide smile meeting hers. She was such a wonderful, contented little girl too. Her lover's eyes were still watching, as they nearly always were, in that gentle, admiring way.

Glancing over to the right quickly, she decided that Kuga Natsuki probably dwelled. She looked like a dweller. What else could explain such a tendency toward glowering? Her attention was stolen away again as the next act appeared.

"This is the girl I told you about." She whispered, referring to the one she'd referenced at a recent dinner party. The thin blonde had just walked out from behind the dark curtains and knelt on the stage attaching some sort of box to the microphone with several cords.

"I thought you said she was an artist?" Glasses were adjusted as dark eyes took in the tall, blonde teenager.

"She sings too. I've never heard her, but she was really nervous about it."

"Did she say why?"

"She said she hasn't sung in front of people since she was little."

"What's she doing?" They watched as she continued hooking up several cords and one of the theatre kids brought out a stool.

"No idea."

"'The 'Scowler' seems to be paying a bit more attention now." The words were whispered with a mischievousness that pulled a grin from the listener.

"She does, doesn't she?" The playfulness was stopped as the girl on stage sat down, pushing down on the box with her foot. A rhythmic tapping sound began and then she opened her mouth, singing a simple melody. Whatever she'd connected to the microphone, looped the sound as the beat came around, she sang another melody in harmony with the first. A stunned silence descended upon the audience as layer upon layer of vocals took the place of background music. It was followed by a voice that was pure and full, low for a girl her age. The sound wrapped itself around the listeners and held them. The song even drew Akane and her Kazu-kun away from each other to listen to their friend sing. It was one of those experiences where two senses disagreed, where ears could not believe eyes because there was such incongruity in the visual and the auditory. The last strains faded with the first melody laid down and one last tap hit. There was a delayed response, a moment for recovery before the applause.

"I didn't expect that," Chie commented around another of those rare laughs, this one born of surprise.

"Me neither." She agreed, peering over at the woman they'd been observing all night. Her mouth was turned up at one corner in a proud grin and her unusual green eyes were soft and shining. It occurred to Aoi that the woman jumped from cute to beautiful when she wasn't frowning. Such a quick change, too. From guarded to emotional. She had to agree with Shizuru, the woman was interesting.

The rest of the show passed in something of a haze and 'the Scowler', though watching the acts, did not ever smile as she had before. Aoi watched as Chie picked up their tired daughter. The girl had curled up in a seat in front of them some ten minutes before. It was pretty late for her. The sight of Keiko and Chie together… it was one of Aoi's favorite things. They adored each other and it showed in every move they made, every word they spoke, and most especially in the smiles they shared.

"Senoh-sensei!" She and her lover both turned to see the blonde singer waving at them, the woman they'd been watching all night approaching a few steps behind, a fresh scowl in place.

"Alyssa. You were amazing! You didn't tell me you could sing like that!"

"Oh! Yeah, thanks!" A blush colored the girl's cheeks. "If you don't mind, I just wanted you to meet my sister! The one I'm staying with."

"I'd love to. Hi!"

A curt nod was thrown toward the brunette, who smiled politely back. "Kuga Natsuki." She introduced herself with a voice not all that dissimilar from Alyssa's, but with significantly less excitement in it.

Twin smiles broke out on the lips of both Aoi and Chie. The knowledge they already had of this woman was mixing with the thrill of being right. "Kuga-san, it's so nice to meet you. Alyssa's told me about you…your sister is very talented." The younger woman smiled sheepishly at the compliment, a small grin slipping onto the older woman's face in response.

The exchange was observed with silent fascination. "She is."

In the excitement, the six-year-old had stirred, yawning into the shoulder she had been leaning on. Chie placed her down. "Is that Keiko?" The blonde guessed. Like any proud mother, Aoi had spoken of her daughter frequently.

"It is!" Though it was not something she would usually do, Aoi decided to introduce her lover as just that…do a bit of experimentation on Shizuru's behalf. "This is Harada Chie and our daughter." Reactions could be very telling after all.

Alyssa smiled at the child, waving and totally unaffected. "Hi, Keiko!"

The child waved back, smiling. "Hi."

'The Scowler' was another story. Her brow wrinkled and her eyes passed disinterestedly back and forth between the two of them. She pushed hands that both Chie and Aoi had noted were ringless, deep inside the pockets of her jacket, and threw another nod Chie's way, which her lover returned a bit more gently.

"Nice to meet you all." It sounded neither sincere nor insincere, only factual.

Aoi realized she had absolutely no idea what that particular response meant. Did she recognize their names from high school? Did she recognize them? Was it the nature of their relationship? It begged so many questions and answered none of them. Apparently, reactions could also tell you absolutely nothing. With a confused smile, she silently wished Shizuru good luck.

 **Aside #11:** **The Room on the Left** _(Thought)_

Alyssa had tried to go to sleep several times but her eyes kept creeping back open, tracing the lines of the ceiling in the near darkness. She would roll over and check her phone because she was waiting for her sister to get home. It had been a weird night. After she'd been dropped off, she settled in to watch an American movie Akira had given her. Nao had joined and stolen some of her pizza. The film was called _Mulholland Drive_ and she had no idea that it had those kinds of scenes in it. Apparently, that coupled with her description of Shizuru-san during one of their lunches, had convinced Nao that she was a closet homosexual. The redheaded woman had spent the night teasing her mercilessly over it. She had to explain that she wasn't gay, had tried to explain by asking Nao if she ever met a woman who was so attractive that she had no choice but to notice. The statement had only worsened her situation. The whole thing was as funny as it was annoying, funnier when she'd finally given up trying to explain, and jumped into Nao's lap, professing to be hopelessly in love with her. It was the first time she had successfully flustered the older woman and she enjoyed it incredibly, even if it earned her a throw pillow to the head. Nao had said something interesting though. It was during their debate over the cited evidence of her alleged gayness...that Shizuru-san was a lesbian. 'An even bigger one than you' were the exact words.

Alyssa had considered the possibility after watching Shizuru-san tease her sister, but it made her think about what she'd said to her in the car and why. It was pretty clear that there was something different about the way Natsuki and the woman talked to each other. It wasn't like watching Natsuki with Mai, or Nao, or Tate even. There was a feeling, a desire in Alyssa that she couldn't quite explain, to see them become friends at least, which brought her thoughts back to Tate.

What was her sister doing out for so long? Were she and Tate still talking? Was she okay? Were they working things out? Were they fighting? Natsuki never talked about Tate or her feelings, even though the situation clearly bothered her. Honestly, she didn't know what to think.

She hadn't been worried until after eleven, until Nao went to bed. It wasn't until a little after midnight that she heard the car pull in. No motorcycle, it was too cold now. Even with her sister home, she still couldn't settle. Alyssa tried to fall asleep one more time but woke only twenty minutes later. Giving in, she padded up the stairs from her basement bedroom through the darkened first floor and up to the second. There was a light on in the room on the left, the room that the dark-haired woman always seemed to be in when she couldn't sleep. Natsuki spent too many nights in there since they started living together. Nao had told her the room belonged to Natsuki's mother.

Nervous, she peered around the doorway and saw her sister on the floor beside piles of files that resembled a stonewall. She was lying on her stomach, chin on one of her palms staring at the pages, her index finger curled and pressed against her lips. She'd hauled a file cabinet from the closet into the center of the room, had folders spread and stacked all over the floor, a notebook that she kept to jot things down in resting beneath her right hand. Duran was curled up against her side, resting peacefully, a tennis ball by his tail.

" _ **H**_ _ **iya**_ _ **.**_ " It was said softly.

Natsuki startled slightly and looked her way. " _ **You should be in bed**_ _ **Alyssa**_ _ **.**_ "

A smile that was almost a grin. " _ **So should you.**_ " She moved silently in her socks and laid next to her sister. " _ **You don't sleep enough Nat, you must be absolutely knackered**_ _ **.**_ "

The comment was ignored. " _ **Did Nao stay over?**_ "

" _ **S** **he's in the guest room**_ _ **.**_ " She cocked her head. " _ **HiME stuff is it?**_ "

" _ **Yeah**_ _ **.**_ "

She rested her head on folded arms. " _ **I read the notes from Micronesia and a few of her papers.**_ _ **Had**_ _ **to gen up on some things to understand it**_ _ **.**_ "

There was nothing but seriousness when Natsuki turned her head. " _ **I t**_ _ **old you not to bother. It's boring stuff**_ _ **.**_ "

She rolled her eyes at the predictable response. " _ **Your mum was a brainiac.**_ "

A bit of a smirk. " _ **She was. I'm just trying to understand half the time.**_ "

Her head cocked as she read the label on one of the folders. " _ **What's this one? Implantation Trials?**_ "

" _ **I haven't looked at that.**_ " The folder was handed over, she skimmed through it. " _ **Looks like a** **study protocol**_ _ **,**_ _ **for a new PPD serum**_ _ **…**_ "A look of confusion flashed across Natsuki's face as she read through the document.

" _ **PPD?**_ "

" _ **It's a skin test for tuberculosis, you probably had it.**_ " She tapped her forearm. " _ **It's when they inj**_ _ **ect that bubble under the skin on your arm, you have to go back so they can check it. I had to have one when I went to Oxford. We don't use it here though, they vaccinate in Japan. I always come up positive. I don't know why that's in here, though.**_ " She read the author's line below the title in a puzzled whisper. " _ **Homura N.**_ " A few photos tumbled from beneath the pages.

Alyssa looked at the pictures now in her sister's hands, a distinctive red rash on skin visible in each. It was a red dot surrounded by an oblong circle, the end of which tapered slightly, almost like a comet. " _ **Rats**_ **?** "

Natsuki's nose wrinkled instinctually, she was not overly fond of things that scurried or slithered. " _ **H**_ _ **airless**_ **ones.** "

" _ **Ah! T**_ _ **heir tails and tummies!**_ " Alyssa peeked at the photos again, smiling, and then regarded her sister carefully. She was curling her lip. Apparently, she wasn't nearly as taken with them. " _ **Nat…**_ "

Green eyes flicked her way quickly. " _ **Wha**_ _ **t's up?**_ "

" _ **You were out for quite a bit**_ _ **.**_ "

The folder and photographs were put down. There was a long stretch of silence where the woman's mouth twitched its way into a frown. " _ **I went for a drive.**_ "

Concerned blue eyes were steady. " _ **You alright?**_ "

She sighed heavily, keeping her gaze on the ground and poking through the documents in front of her. " _ **Tate's getting married.**_ "

" _ **Is that all that he wanted to say?"**_ She nodded sharply, not looking her way.

It seemed a little off to Alyssa that after a year of not speaking, the man would find her only to tell her he was getting married. Tate wasn't malicious as far as she'd seen. Maybe he had a reason, but she had no idea what it could be. She liked Tate, didn't want to assume the worst, but she didn't like that it bothered her sister. Biting her lip, she leaned her head over and rested it against a shoulder briefly, not sure what to say. The dark-haired woman gave a half-smile to the top of the girl's head, tilting her own to rest against it, mulling something over.

" _ **Hey...i**_ _ **f you draw anything else, show me. I wanna see it**_."

The girl smiled to herself. " _ **Yeah, alright.**_ "

Another bout of silence descended and Natsuki tapped her pen on the pad of paper. " _ **Alyssa**_ " She adjusted her position and gave her full attention. " _ **Should I** **get Shizuru something?**_ "

Watching her sister interestedly, she lifted her head. " _ **What?** **You mean**_ **_like a proper 'thank you' gift_?**"

A scowl. " _ **Nevermind. It's a stupid idea.**_ "

The girl smiled to herself. " _ **I don't think it is**_ _ **.**_ _ **It was good of her to drive me**_ _ **.**_ " She decided she could wait until tomorrow to tell Natsuki that the woman let her drive herself home in the most expensive car she'd ever seen.

Her sister took her time in responding, her face twisted in an expression of deep thought. " _ **…yeah, it was.**_ "


	12. Enough, Akira, and Pencils

**Narrative #12: Enough is Enough  
** **Date: December 2, 2013 … a Monday**

I walked into my office, surprised to see something I had not left on the desk resting happily on its corner as though waiting for me. Stepping up to it, I picked up the brown bag curiously, guessing its contents by smell alone. Tea, rather excellent tea at that, neatly wrapped with charming homemade labels hanging by tied twine, obviously packed by hand. It was then that I noticed a note sitting on the corner, written on one of the lavender post-its that sat by my laptop.

 _'It's tea. -Natsuki'_ was the entirety of its message, written with a permanent marker that was still lying next to it. The handwriting was sharp but strangely delicate looking. I realized it must have been in gratitude for my giving her sister a ride home a week or so back. I could not help the smile that curled across my lips. The message itself was a small treasure. I could imagine her shoving it at me, saying those exact words.

"Enough is enough, bubuzuke!" I was shocked to find myself suddenly locked in my office with the blonde woman I'd successfully avoided conversing with for nearly four weeks. I almost dropped the bag of tea but recovered myself quickly.

"To what do I..."

"Don't be stupid. Why are you avoiding me?" Defined arms crossed over her chest as she attempted to stare me down, it appeared as though she'd been working out more than usual.

"Haruka," I sighed, placing the gift down and taking a seat in my chair, cementing my expression into one of total neutrality. "I am not avoiding you."

She sat down forcefully in a chair across from me. "You've been acting weird ever since that meeting with Marguerite."

I folded my hands over one another and rested them atop my desk. "Kanin-na, if it appeared that way."

"It didn't appear that way. It is that way!" She grumbled. I saw an unusual spark in her eyes and it occurred to me, with no small amount of incredulity, that I had hurt her feelings. "We haven't talked to each other in four weeks. Where have you been?"

"Unfortunately, I had other matters that required my attention. I trust that in your hands, everything went smoothly?" I gave her my best smile, which was foolish. It would not accomplish anything and it certainly would not make her leave.

She clenched her jaw. "I had to do your job while you were wherever you were! I talked to Marguerite again." Her hand was close to my face yet again. "That girl is awful."

My eyelids slid down. My smile flattened into something else entirely. "Ookini, for your dedication to the students."

"I don't care how much money her parents give the hospital, that girl doesn't belong here! She's totally abscessed with you, Fujino. It's disgusting. I'm so tired of hearing your name from her mouth. That girl is not right." Perhaps the look on her face, or that finger, or simply the way she spat out _that girl_ , like a slap and a growl… something in her words irritated me deeply enough to call my anger out. My mind may have been twisting her words, making them about what I assumed she meant, but that did nothing to quell my agitation.

"It was good of you to take the time. I am certain she found your _talk_ as enlightening as I did." It was said with a coolness I had not intended to be there. I was clearly not ready to speak with her; aggravation was still biting at the edges of my control.

I opened my eyes, staring at her, feeling almost nothing. Her face had acquired an expression of shock absent of the usual outrage that accompanied it.

"I don't get you at all Fujino." Minutes passed by as I silently observed the odd procession of expressions that flashed across her face. She shifted her jaw before speaking. My lack of response seemed to aggravate her intensely. "You go around smiling like you don't care, but you're nothing like that. Just say what you mean for once."

I was attempting to find ground where there only seemed to be groundlessness. My building resentment was a sinking sensation, like falling back into myself. This was not a conversation that was constructive, but somehow I did not think that to ask her to leave would produce much better results. In essence, she had me cornered and my anger was already freezing over. My empathy was eroding beneath crashing contradictions, a hand on her abdomen, and a look that meant more than it should. Her words to me, the way she looked at Tomoe-han, talked about her as if she were some shameful thing, the same way she had looked at me because of how and who I was, yet she could operate outside of such confinement... it suddenly seemed a lie. She was supposed to be my conscience, was she not? Where was that unshakable, pure black and white? She was supposed to be staunchly moral. She was not supposed to shine a light on my fears and failings, then succumb herself, seven years later or not. That was our mortar, the unspoken agreement between us.

My choices boiled down to silently sitting in this suddenly tiny office with her or speaking, neither of which I wanted to do. I took the option I thought I could stand. "Is it not a bit hypocritical, the two of you? Is it not the pot calling the kettle black?"

There was no need for me to look, I could feel her fire matching my own despite the difference in outward presentation. "What are you talking about?"

"Kikukawa-han."

She was somewhere between confused and furious now. "What does Yukino have to do with anything?"

"What you profess to find so distasteful in others is something that you are intimately involved with," I remarked quietly, my voice already distancing itself from my emotions. "I find that interesting."

"Don't try and stick us into some perverted fantasy world. We aren't like that." That was not I fantasy that ever crossed my mind and the chuckle I gave at her expense was ice. This emotion was so much like poison in me. I despised the way it felt, what is coaxed from me. "Everyone thinks about it Fujino, but you're not supposed to do it! It's your duty to resist it! Show some guts!"

I closed my eyes against the look in hers. "Not everyone does think of it, Haruka. I believe that is the point you keep missing. There is a large subset of the population that never thinks of it." My words sounded slower as they returned to my ears. It would be easy to say they were justified, some sort of stand I was taking, but that required firm convictions. My nature was too morally ambiguous for firm convictions. What I'd said was intended to touch a nerve, and it did.

"How would you know what other people think about? Just because you can't control yourself…"

The sensation of my own calm voice slinking across my lips or my mind beginning to crave a bit of pain from her, I was not sure which I enjoyed less. "Can you? Do your thoughts not wander? Were they not wandering when you last saw her? Kikukawa-han has always looked at you that way hasn't…"

"STOP!" Her voice echoed in the small room, as did the slam of her palms on my desk. It was aggressiveness and rage, but it did not fully cover the anguish that peeked through. Her eyelids closed tightly as if she were wishing me away. "Stop it." When they opened, they held a look I'd never seen in them before and could not name, but it sated that gnawing hunger for a reaction and I was too cold for guilt yet again. "It doesn't matter what I think, it matters what I do. That's where strength is. I won't let something like that beat me." The force of her words tapered as she spoke, like an engine losing steam. "Yukino is none of your business, don't talk about her again."

We stared at each other, her arms crossed tighter, diamond band glaring at me in tandem with her eyes. That rock on her finger, she believed it to be a sort of salvation and I could not entirely disagree. Salvation and happiness were not always synonymous because while salvation was outside of selfishness, happiness could exist within it. Haruka had made the choice I never could, even for the sake of my family, for the sake of the feelings of others. Had she not done that which my mother asked of me? Should I not admire her decision, her 'strength'? It was a strength I did not have. I was terribly conflicted, even in the face of her rather solid argument. I did not understand what I felt and her eyes were sharpened points, a roiling, obtrusive violet that raked my skin.

"How do you wait seven years to open your mouth?" _It was a skill really_ _._ In the moments that followed my continued silence, her demeanor changed. "Ugh, this is stupid. Do you need to hear it? Is that what this is about Fujino? Fine. I'm only gonna say this to you one more time!" She pronounced with a dramatic sigh and I watched her quietly, perplexed by the shift. I cocked my head as her lips curled in a tiny snarl. I had no idea what 'this' was. "Back then, what I said to you, what I did, I took it too far." I still made no response, because I had no idea what to say. "I don't agree with it and I won't apologize for that, but I was out of line." It looked as though she were forcing pins through the skin of her lips saying these things and I wondered how long she had felt them.

The hardened edges of my anger began to soften, became more manageable, the remains beginning their retreat back to their home in the pit of my stomach. Had I misinterpreted the situation with Kikukawa-han? Seen a happy ending where there was only acceptance?

"What I said to you about Marguerite has nothing to do with what happened before. That girl is poorly inventioned." It was certainly not her best error, but it would do.

I spoke after yet another long stretch of silence, in which her tension reached the point that I expected her to explode.

"I would agree." She visibly relaxed at the sound of my voice.

It occurred to me with absolute clarity, we were going to simply fall back into our atypical 'friendship' after this, that I would let us because it was easier. I would sweep the remains of this under a rug that was already bulging with the unresolved...coil it around a tense string, let it add to the growing dissonance reverberating in me. I had no experience through which to process Haruka's particular stance on most things. Our relationship had always been difficult to define, but this was a new level of complexity. What did Haruka admitting fault mean, I wondered for all the words she spat that resonated, all the words whose truth was an ache that I felt down to my marrow? A part of me would have preferred this conversation to have never taken place, that I had never seen her return the look Kikukawa-han had given her.

She nodded firmly. "I think we should keep an eye on her. I don't trust her at all." Hands were thrown out in both directions. "She changed Yumemiya's lines this morning."

I blinked. "For what purpose?"

"She played stupid, like she was trying to help, but I don't buy it. She knows better."

"And you spoke to her?"

"I yelled at her. It was only saline, but still, she's not an idiot. She knew it was wrong." It would not have hurt the patient, it was far too obvious a mistake for that, but it would have made Arika-han look incompetent. How that would benefit Tomoe-han, I could not guess. They were not even the same year, so it could not be motivated by job prospects I thought. "She's been messing up all over the place. It's almost like it's on purpose. That girl doesn't deserve to be here."

 _That girl._ I was barely listening to her at this point, I just wanted this to be over. "I will take her in with me when I relieve Nina-han."

She was obviously dissatisfied with that response, looked oddly wary. "I have her scheduled with me."

"Would it not be my job to remediate in this circumstance? It is unfair of me to shoulder Haruka with all the unpleasant tasks." She raised her eyebrow at me dubiously. Certainly, it was not our normal conversational pattern, but I did not have the energy to walk her into volunteering herself at the moment. I would not enjoy it properly with how I felt anyhow. That aside, I did not like the way she spoke about Tomoe-han even if I was not particularly fond of her myself. Her dislike of the girl felt too personal... it made me wonder at the connection I felt to her.

She wanted to say something that she swallowed back down. How unusual. "I'll see you in the OR."

"I will be down shortly. Nina-han is in Room four?"

Her expression changed as she nodded. "Wang takes it seriously."

"Yes, she does. Perhaps too much so, I had to force her to leave the other day."

"That's not a bad thing Fujino, that sort of dedication should be rewarded." A finger pointed at me. "At least she's not sitting at a computer all day, sipping tea." Where would we be without one last insult? It begged for a retort.

"Would Haruka care for a cup?" I commented, forcing a bright smile _as if I did not care._ I probably had enough time to brew a cup.

"I have to get back. _Element_ tomorrow?" She asked gruffly, but there was the tiniest spark of nervousness.

"I will ask Reito."

"Fine." With that, she left and I covered my mouth with my hand, attempting to sort my feelings into piles, maybe then I could begin to quiet them again. I had no desire to spend the afternoon with Tomoe-han, but it seemed it would be necessary. My day did not look to be improving. I closed my eyes and allowed myself the comfort of darkness for a few moments.

A knock sounded and my eyes lifted. "You found it?" I felt my whole body decompress a bit, while conversely, my heart sped. It was Monday and she was seeing patients. That skirt on her and the shapeliness of her calves, I was in no condition for either but attempted to rally.

"Good afternoon. I did find it, ookini Natsuki." She was most definitely studying me, was it my emotional vertigo or my attraction that was showing? I quickly fixed my face. She walked over to lean against my desk, tucking a hand inside the pocket of her lab coat.

"It's tea. You drink that." A small smile crept onto my lips. Her voice was simply informing me, the question was entirely in her gaze.

"I do, yes."

She touched her earlobe, eyeing me sidelong. "I also wanted to say thanks in-person." _So adorable._

"I've heard tell that the bus is full of unsavory characters at such hours. I could not, in good conscience, abandon Alyssa to them, now could I?"

A tiny grin and she dropped her hand to join her other around a ceramic travel mug of what smelled like coffee. "Have you ever been on the bus at that time, Shizuru?"

I smiled softly at her. "I have not had the pleasure, no."

"You probably wouldn't take the bus." I wondered what that commented was intended to mean.

She took a sip from her mug, quiet for a beat, her brow furrowing. It brought me such disproportionate pleasure just to be near her. My defenses were too low at the moment and my mind exploited the opportunity to its fullest. I wondered at how her walking from the door to the chair could possibly have sorted out the discordant melody that was playing beneath everything a moment ago, tuned it in a snap. If I could just breathe her warmth for long enough, it might liquefy the world and we could float on top of it. The things I thought when she came by _,_ they harbored a touch of madness… maybe because I harbored a touch of madness. In fairness to myself, Natsuki was developing a bit of a knack for finding me at the edge of undone. It was possible that is all this was, emotions run wild. I hoped so.

A puzzled look crossed her face. "You're staring at me, Shizuru."

I had most definitely been caught lost in my own bizarre thoughts and I shook them away as best I could. _A raised eyebrow and a tilted head, give a small smile, a little tease._ "Kanin-na, but Natsuki is so stunning in a skirt."

She rolled her eyes and pressed her tongue into her cheek briefly. "Idiot." It was said quietly, in a tone that was almost affectionate. My imagination? Wishful thinking possibly…

I wanted to ask what happened that night. No, that was not right. I wanted to ask if she was alright, but we were not close enough for that...or were we? She was speaking to me so comfortably now, but the remembrance of her and that gentleman together was a weight that sank me and fastened me back to reality.

"Natsuki's day is going well?"

She glanced at the floor. "It's fine."

I gave her a smile. "I am glad." Her eyebrow rose and then she seemed to remember something.

"Oi, did you really let Alyssa drive your car?" It did not occur to me that she might be upset about that. I could not tell from her tone.

"I did."

"Your car's an Aston Martin." The way that it was said and the comment about the bus. It was a definite possibility she thought I was something of a princess.

I glanced over at her, a bit embarrassed by the attention the machine was attracting. "Yes."

"You know she's seventeen?"

"Have I gotten myself into trouble with you?" I questioned innocently.

Her face pinked slightly, but she continued to focus on me. "No. It's your car, but it's worth a damn fortune."

I smiled, closing my eyes against that too beautiful green. "If it is any consolation, she is an excellent driver."

I heard a snort of a laugh erupt from her. "Well, you made her night. I've never seen her so excited."

"If Natsuki wishes, she is welcome to drive the car as well."

"If I were gonna take something for a joy ride, it wouldn't be a car." She answered and I smirked to myself.

"Ara, ara, what would Natsuki prefer to take for a 'joy ride' then?" I asked, trying not to imagine the possibilities.

She narrowed her eyes at me and I was not certain if it was because she caught the questionable undertone or because she thought I was being sarcastic. "My bike."

I was already aware that she possessed one due to seeing her with her helmet. "A rather dangerous past time, I do hope Natsuki is careful."

She sighed as though the comment annoyed her. Her lips fell into a straight line. "I gotta head back, I have a patient in ten."

"Ookini for coming all the way up here. It was very sweet of you."

I smiled at her frown, as she turned one of the studs in her ear. "I just wanted to make sure you found it."

"You did not stop by for my sake then?" I gave a small pout.

She looked at me strangely and then shook her head, releasing a puff of air through her nose. A small, somewhat amused smirk snagged one corner of her mouth. She paused in my doorway, drumming her fingers on the metal frame, captured in thoughts I knew nothing of. Her head turned toward me, hair falling around her face, cutting it into pieces, differing shapes, and shadow.

"I'll see you around Shizuru." It would be absurd to ask her to stay for a few more minutes. I wanted to ask, but I could not because what was I to say?

"Of course. Natsuki still owes me a meal." She rolled her eyes and flipped her hair, striding down the hallway and leaving me alone with my reckless and jumbled mind.

 **Digression #12: Okuzaki Akira  
** **Date: December 10, 2013 … a Tuesday**

****

Lifting his head from the leather-bound sketchbook, Akira rested arms that were finally starting to reach a thickness he liked on his knees. The sleeve tattoo that still needed a few sessions to complete was peeking from below the cuff of a hooded sweatshirt that was pushed mid-way up his right forearm. He studied it for a moment, considering the waves beneath the main design that Yamada had convinced him to add-in. The man under whom he had apprenticed, whom Natsuki-san had introduced him to when he asked about her own tattoos, was right, as he usually was, most especially where balance was concerned. It would have looked too sparse without it. Sighing, he lifted his head and looked at Takumi.

He was laying on the couch with his obnoxiously large white and blue headphones on, smiling with his eyes closed as though completely content with his lot in life. There were subtle changes, improvements that Akira had been eagerly noting. His pallor was better, his body looked less frail, healthier all around… which made sense given that some stranger's heart was now beating away in his chest, stronger than his own ever had. The dark-haired young man didn't like to think about the transplant, it was upsetting for many reasons. He had his own scars as well, two pink slashes that used to stand out like wounds, but since faded. They sat on a pale chest that was nearly unrecognizable in its transformation. He didn't much like to think on those either or what had happened afterward.

His parents had never been okay with his tomboy tendencies, but it hadn't gone terribly wrong until he decided on the double mastectomy, to have his top surgery. Maybe they'd truly thought it was a phase, but when those pieces of flesh were removed he was removed. _'Akira is dead',_ his mother had said the last time he'd called. He had stayed with Takumi and his beloved sister on their couch for months until he'd been able to save enough for his own apartment. He'd even been able to pretend that he and Takumi were just friends, for years in fact… until Takumi kissed him that night.

Akira had always liked boys, that was never the issue, it was his own body he didn't like. There were a zillion and a half labels for people like him, only bits and pieces of which applied. He had no interest in figuring out what to call himself. Why others needed to was a question that buried itself in his skin, irritating as a splinter. Why they even cared was more of a mystery. Why he mattered to people that didn't know him, he couldn't guess. Yet it was a constant battle, questions and questions, people wanting to sort and categorize something he saw as none of their concern. He preferred not to talk about it, would have been happy to never talk about it with anyone.

The young man was still shocked that Takumi had ever been okay with him, let alone able to see him as he did. He had already started transitioning, was binding and dressing the part when he met the boy. He'd started the hormone injections two years later, a year and a half after he'd explained himself... after Takumi had somehow accepted it all with a simple smile and an arm over his shoulder. Takumi who was so comfortable with himself, no matter what… Takumi with his gorgeous reddish hair, and stupid apron that he baked in…Takumi who had called him a boy simply because he asked, with no discomfort, with no hesitation, with no question. Takumi, who had laughed until he nearly cried when Akira had raged at the razor after cutting himself trying to shave his face. Takumi who somehow had no problem with kissing him, with touching him, with loving him as a man.

Sighing, he drummed his fingers over his kneecaps. Between the two of them, Akira found it ironic that he was the more masculine given the gender to which he was born. He understood that others might say such traditional thinking was what leads to the discrimination he'd experienced in the first place, but traditional or not, it held some accuracy. At first, he'd been embarrassed for Takumi, for his seemingly untamable feminine and maternal side, but it was something he'd come to enjoy more and more. Being cooked for, cared for, given back rubs… the boy, in his own unique way, made Akira feel like the man of the house. The testosterone had changed so much of him, had changed his face, had deepened his voice, had altered his body, his mind in some ways, but it was Takumi more than anything that made it real. Their relationship was different, had been, and would continue to be misunderstood and unacceptable to many. It earned him quite a few disparaging comments, more than one unwelcome sneer even from those within their own supposed community. At worst, he'd gotten a bloodied lip and a few bruised ribs over it. He had broken that guy's nose in retaliation, something he considered an accomplishment, and Takumi had been impressed, still joked with him about it, called him 'secret ninja'.

'Community' was a term he distrusted as much as those who used it, a combination of his natural resistance to joining anything and the fact that he had yet to find a 'community' that didn't use the word to make an 'us' and a 'them'. Takumi and him… they were an 'us'… his first 'us' and the only one he'd ever needed. How Takumi just waltzed through their life, just hugged him, just was okay boggled his mind, was the thing that kept him from hating everyone else… and himself.

He owed it to him to consider the request he'd made a few months back, the one he'd called him an idiot over. He didn't want to even invite the possibility that Takumi could experience what he had with his own family, to be rejected, questioned, mourned as if dead. Mai did seem different. One could never know the strength of familial bonds until they were tested though, and Akira had learned that he was quite the test. A transgender tattoo artist, quite the contrast to Takumi's much more mainstream success as a journalist.

"Akira-kun?"

He grunted in response, shaken at being caught so lost in his own mind. The redheaded man had his headphones half-off and was looking at him in that soft way he tended to. Standing up, he walked over, bending to wrap an arm underneath and around the dark head, kissing Akira's temple. It embarrassed him even though he enjoyed it.

Cocking his head to the side, Takumi shook an empty glass. "I'm gonna grab some water, do you need anything?"

"No." He said in the short, efficient way he said most everything.

"Ok."

"Takumi." Wine colored eyes met that indescribable shade of blue, a blue that wanted so badly to be purple. A question was on his lover's face as Akira hopped gracefully over the arm and out of the chair. Another kiss, this time on the lips. Gathering himself, he gave voice to the thought that had been a silent ache between them for months now. "You win okay? Tell your sister." A happy nod met the proclamation, followed by a crushing hug.

 **Aside #12: Pencils and Almonds** _(Thought)_

Pencil selection is something to be considered when drawing. Alyssa learned this before she understood that there were differences… that what she held in her hand was a 2B, that the reason she hated that pencil she'd found on the desk was because it was a 6B. She hated the unattractive way the lead, graphite rather, crumbled onto the page making dark strokes that smudged too easily. Akira had explained the distinctions to her. Takumi's stone-faced boyfriend, quite the artist in his own right, had lain out each type, making lines with them, shading with them, sketching with them. She'd learned to appreciate all the types once she understood their purpose, once she stopped trying to use them in a way they weren't made for.

Now she knew, knew about H's and B's and numbers… they mattered, about gum erasers and plastic erasers and rubber erasers… that drawing could be very much like painting when you used a clean, dry brush, a scrap of leather and a brittle pencil. She's tried to explain this to Natsuki yesterday when Duran had chewed her 8B. Her sister had spent the better part of the morning scrubbing his blackened mouth with a pokemon themed child's toothbrush she'd bought after he got his first pen. They were standing in Alyssa's bedroom, Natsuki having handed her a yellow pencil she'd found upstairs. Using this pencil in the 8B's place wasn't an option, she'd said. Her sister had just stared at her as though she were crazy, eating a handful of almonds that smacked of hypocrisy because they were raw, unpasteurized, and organic… because apparently almond selection was something to be considered as well.

She really should have expected the package of brand new, high-end sketching pencils, no explanation or note attached, sitting on her desk two afternoons later. That sort of casual thoughtfulness, with as little attention as possible drawn to the sentiment behind the act, it was so very typical of her sister.


	13. Frosting, Masashi, and A Night

**Narrative #13: The Uses of Frosting  
Date: December 19, 2013… A Thursday**

"Fujino-sensei!" Arika-han's voice caught me just before she touched my arm. She sounded as though she'd run to catch up with me.

I smiled at her as I turned, patting her hand with my own. "Arika-han must need me for something important if she's running."

The widening of her eyes, the light twinkle within them, as though my words were the finale of some magic trick to her... it was quite something. "Can we go to the lounge? I need to ask you something."

I lifted my brow, my lips curling into a smile already. "Ara, Ara. I wonder what sort of question cannot be asked in the hallway?"

"Um, I forgot it! But I think…no, I remember now, not the question, but what that question is about." She laughed nervously and I waited patiently. "It's about a case we did yesterday." A childishly wide smile begged me to believe her, the faces she made were so telling. "And I wrote it down in my notebook, which is in the lounge because I left it there! That's why we should go, and it's almost noon which is almost lunchtime, so just come with me Fujino-sensei?" The naked hope in her eyes led me to nod if only to relieve the poor girl of her nervousness. It was the most suspicious exchange I'd had with anyone in some time. She was clearly incapable of lying effectively, but watching her try was quite adorable.

"Of course." I followed her, amused by her quickness, by the anxious energy that radiated off of her.

She was indisputably enmeshed in some sort of mischief. It could be related to my birthday. It was today and Reito had a habit of ensuring that one way or another, at least a few of the residents were aware of this. Perhaps she'd been charged with luring me to some location? The lounge presumably and at noon it seemed. Why the residents would select Arika-han for such a mission though, I was not sure. As we rounded the corner and entered the large room, I was not surprised to see a cake and several people gathered 'round it, though I pretended to be.

"Happy birthday, Fujino-sensei!" A chorus of voices echoed. Arika-han, Nina-han, Erstin-han, and Tomoe-han were all seated beside the beautiful cake. Two of them were smiling happily, one gazing at me brazenly, and another was wearing her usual expression of seriousness.

"Ookini. This was very thoughtful of you all!" I smiled brightly at them. It was and the cake looked superb.

"Were you surprised?" Blue eyes peered up at me expectantly as she cut the cake into pieces for everyone, beaming when I nodded. I did not have the heart to tell her that secret-keeping and stealth were not her forte. Her excitement over the whole thing was quite endearing.

"I heard there was cake?" Yohko announced as she stepped up beside me. "Happy birthday by the way." She nudged me gently with her shoulder and I smiled at her. Food, most especially cake, seemed to emit some sort of hypnotic and irresistible call that drew people in from all corners of the hospital.

"Fujino!" I turned to see Haruka tromp in.

Something about her seemed different and I stared for a moment trying to determine what it was. I still felt a bit uneasy after our argument and I considered if that was all I was reacting to. However, she then turned sideways, reaching for a piece. She'd most definitely become a bit rounder. The idea that she was gaining weight struck me as humorous for no reason I could grasp, and my reaction recalled another of Alyssa's words. In my mind, I could see it written exactly as it appeared on the book's page.

" _Schadenfreude (GERMAN)_ : the pleasure derived from the troubles of another."

As many redeeming qualities as I could cite in women, there did seem to be an innate capacity for this type of feeling within my own gender, especially where scraps of resentment lay. I studied her further. Haruka's face was still very much the same, no traces of increased fullness, though there was some increased fullness in another part of her anatomy that hardly needed it. I was honestly surprised I had not noticed any of this in the office, but I _had_ been somewhat distracted by our conversation. She'd changed her drink at _Element_ as well, something clear and red that I only assumed was alcoholic. Then there was Reito commenting on her unexplained disappearances and Kikukawa's hand on her belly…

I smiled brightly at her as the realization came, and she paused, fork midway to her mouth. "I thought you'd get your fill of attention with everyone else doping on you, but I should've known better. Happy birthday, Fujino. Now stop staring at me."

"Kanin-na." But I did not stop and she scowled. More irritable than usual seemed correct, now I knew why.

Yohko laughed softly at our exchange, and then patted my arm as she walked by. "I'll get you a piece, Shizuru." I nodded in gratitude.

It was that moment that Reito walked in carrying a cup of what smelled like fine tea. He had such a wonderful sense of timing. Instead of handing it to me, he placed the cup on the table. He took my hand in both of his, smiling warmly. "I must go back for my next case, but I wanted to wish you a happy birthday in person, Shizuru!"

"I'm assuming that Reito would like me to save him a piece then?" I knew it must have pained him to be missing out on a dessert.

"I'm afraid you know me too well." He squeezed my hand. "I'm sure you've realized that tea is for you."

"I have, yes. Ookini."

"I will see you later then! I still have to give you your present." We had, in past years, gotten one another small things for our respective birthdays. Whether that was public knowledge before, I did not know.

I gazed at him contentedly for effect more than anything else, though I did appreciate his thoughtfulness. "So thoughtful."

The adoring eyes of two of the residents watched us as if we were some romance movie and it was difficult not to laugh, most especially when it was coupled with Haruka's violet glare and eye roll. We did play off each other rather well.

A small plate was handed to me and I smiled in thanks. "You two really are ridiculous." The nurse beside me stated with a smirk, taking a bite of her own. "Armitage is gonna throw a fit if you don't stop."

"Perhaps." I agreed, unconcerned, and taking a taste for myself. It was an excellent cake.

"Where's Kuga-san? She doesn't want any?"

I looked at her, slightly embarrassed by the spark of interest that tightened my throat. "I have not seen her today."

"I saw her around this morning. Busy day for us though." She answered, licking a bit of frosting from her knuckle. It distracted me momentarily and she raised her eyebrow. "Sorry, did you wanna get that?" It was said very quietly, her tone light.

"Ikezu," I replied just as quietly.

"Alright everyone, there's work to do! Finish eating and let's get moving." Haruka stared down the residents, who scurried to obey with a comical quickness.

"She might still be stuck in a case." Yohko reasoned.

"Finish your tea before you come back." The blonde woman commanded as she made to leave, pointing a finger at me. I briefly imagined biting it off and smiled at my own absurdity.

"Are you certain you do not need me?"

"No." She gave me the strangest stare. "Why would I need you, Fujino?"

"I would not want Haruka to succumb to fatigue. She is working herself so hard."

Paranoia began to creep over her, a light eyebrow twitching. I wondered if she was attempting to keep her pregnancy a secret. "I can outlast you any day." I could tell she wished to add in a 'bubuzuke', but would not do so in front of our residents.

"Happy birthday again Fujino-sensei!" Erstin-han remarked, waving excitedly as she and her companions circled around the woman standing in front of me.

"Yeah happy birthday!" Arika-han added animatedly.

"Fujino-sensei." Nina-han bowed lightly and I smiled at her, which produced no discernible reaction.

"Ookini, it was very sweet of you all."

Tomoe-han was last and shocked me with a tight hug, fitting her body against mine. It was engineered purposefully, such that when she pulled away we brushed against one another. I had given that same hug.

"Happy birthday." She said softly, her eyes meeting mine as I stared back, blankly.

That was rather bold and again, I found myself submerged in the odd combination of compassion and wariness that plagued me in her presence, by the idea of somehow disillusioning her. Our afternoon spent together the other day was equally uncomfortable. It was full of subtle touches and not so subtle glances. Being the creature that I am, my body did respond to her. It required a great deal of effort to remain outwardly nonreactive. The familiarity of her tactics, the obviousness of her interest unseated me. However, it was not in the warm, almost giddy way provoked by Natsuki's presence. It was quite the opposite, a heavy chill that cut through me. I found it concerning to imagine what might happen if we were alone together rather than in an OR room. She was nothing if not insistent.

"Marguerite!" Haruka bellowed, and I saw the twinge of annoyance in gray eyes. The blonde woman followed them out, throwing one last confused glare at me over her shoulder.

"So that girl's about as subtle as a flying brick," Yohko said, her voice a bit irritated. "Come sit down with me. I've got a few minutes." I took my tea and cake, seating myself across from her and trying to shake the lingering remembrance of Tomoe-han's arms around me.

"Are you going to Kanzaki's Christmas party this year?"

I smiled. "I would not miss it." Thinking of the event was an excellent distraction.

"I can't make it."

I pouted at her. The party would definitely be the poorer for it, unless Natsuki was going, which as far as I could tell would be out of character. "Truly, that is a shame."

She nodded, smirking. "I'm gonna miss that hot tub and that bar, but I promised Midori I'd come over for dinner that night. Her husband is away, but I expect you to drink enough for the both of us."

I returned the look in kind. "I do not think I'd survive such a thing."

She laughed. "Probably not. You must have something fun planned tonight."

I rested my chin on my hand, as I placed my elbow on the table. "Nothing really. I am looking forward to a relaxing evening in. A book and some wine I think." I had planned to meet with Chie and Aoi, Reito had invited me to his home, all for various celebratory meals and get-togethers over the weekend, but tonight...I had reserved for some peace.

"Well if you change your mind and decide you're in the mood for some company, call me." She met my eyes steadily and I rested my hand in front of my mouth, pinching my bottom lip between my thumb and index finger. I knew exactly what she intended and this was the most notice she'd ever given me.

"Is that so?" I asked because she'd stunned me. "Perhaps I should save some of this frosting then?"

She shook her head good-naturedly, before giving me a rather knowing look that warmed me. "You're trouble, Shizuru."

The sounds of a rather distinctive walk took my attention and I turned to see Natsuki come stalking into the lounge, looking intense and gorgeous. I smiled at her and was pleasantly surprised to see her return the gesture on a much smaller scale, no hesitance now. When I gazed over, Yohko was smirking at me once again.

"Hey." She plopped herself down next to me and crossed her legs at the thigh, a sneakered foot dangling. I had most definitely noticed an improvement in her comfort level with me. She threw a nod toward the woman across from us who was observing this with obvious curiosity.

"Would Natsuki care for some cake?" I asked, half-tempted to offer her my fork.

"What's it for?" She asked disinterestedly.

"Likely some foolish, unworthy occasion." I teased, taking another bite, watching purple eyes flicker with mischief. It appeared Reito had missed informing at least one person.

"Probably." The beautiful woman beside me agreed, watching as Sergay Wang, the current Chief of Anesthesiology, came through and headed straight for the dessert. A barely contained snarl took her lips and it became apparent that they'd crossed paths before.

A thin-lipped grimace of a smile was sent my way. "Happy birthday Fujino." He said gruffly as he began walking out.

"Wang-sensei." I bowed my head lightly, noticing emerald eyes fly open.

"Shizuru!" Natsuki blushed and whipped away from me sulkily.

"That was mean." Yohko reprimanded, turning her attention to the agitated woman beside me. "Kuga-sensei, birthday or not, I'd smack her."

"Surely there is no reason to resort to such violence?" I argued playfully, taking another piece of cake in my mouth. Perhaps it was mean, but she was too adorable. Should she not hold some responsibility in this? I dismissed the thought. It was unfair.

The raven-haired woman pushed her tongue against the side of a cheek that was still red, glaring. That gesture, it was starting to drive me mad.

"Idiot." She mumbled, moving as though she meant to get up. I had embarrassed her too acutely. Without considering it first, I reached for her hand.

"Kanin-na, Natsuki. Stay, please." I gave her my most pleading look.

She stared at me, made nervous by the sincerity, by my touch. Had I overreached? Her hand was released as she sat. "I can't stay long. I just came to grab some water." Her tone retained some mild annoyance. "So...happy birthday."

"Ookini." I smiled contentedly at her and the corner of her frown twitched as she tried to keep it. I took the cup of tea Reito had brought and sipped at it.

"Did you get stuck with that add-on?" Yohko asked her.

"The elbow fracture?" She questioned and the nurse nodded. I was pleased to see they'd warmed up to one another a bit. She checked her watch. "It's supposed to start in a couple of minutes. Do I have you?"

"Nope, sorry. Kanzaki stole me."

"It's not Chandler, is it?" Wary green eyes watched a slow grin creep across the other woman's face. A soft growl of a groan rumbled from her.

Elliot Chandler was another of the OR nurses who worked in Orthopedics, almost twenty years Yohko's senior. She was from America originally and nice enough as far as I was concerned. I did like to believe my brand of flirtatiousness was slightly more polished than the kind she was notorious for. It involved significantly more subtlety in any case. Though I did not make the strongest of efforts to control my own playfulness, she made none. In fairness, she had reached the age where she could get away with nearly anything. I suppose I could not blame her for exploiting it, certainly, she'd earned herself a bit of forgivable roguery. Somehow I doubted Natsuki would share that view.

"Is there something the matter with Chandler-han?" I asked.

"I'll leave that to Kuga to explain. I should head back over too. We have that hip revision and Kanzaki's hopeless with the sterile gowns." Yohko gave Natuski a quick wave before glancing my way again. "Have a good night, if I don't see you Shizuru."

"Ookini, Yohko." We exchanged warm smiles and I turned my eyes toward the woman beside me questioningly.

She shook her head, clearly not wanting to discuss it. "Nothing's wrong with Chandler." I continued to watch her, exaggerated my sadness and she sighed loudly. "Alright! But you better not laugh." I brought my hand back up as I nodded so I could cover my mouth if need be. Another flare of red was already beginning to blossom. I wondered what sort of consequences she would devise if I did let a giggle escape. "She calls me _'sweet cheeks'_." It was said very quietly.

I closed my eyes as I tried to contain my smile. There was simply no helping myself in this case. "They _are_ rather sweet." I wondered if she was aware of the possibility that Chandler-han did not mean the cheeks on her face. The nickname would be appropriate for either set.

She was scowling deeply and with a look befitting a scolding parent. "Shut up."

I gave her a bright smile. "I am surprised Natsuki did not yell at her for such an offense. Perhaps she enjoys the nickname?" The tiniest hint of jealousy stirred in me.

"No! That was the first thing I did, damn it!" She rolled her eyes skyward and crossed her arms forcefully. "She just laughed at me and pinched my face like I'm goddamn four years old. _"_ The unhappiness was nearly dripping off her. So long as Chandler-han's pinching never ventured to any other cheek, I would keep out of it.

I could not help the small grin on my lips, though I left it alone and took another sip of my tea. "Will this case be your last?"

"It pushed my other two back. Hopefully, I'll be done by seven."

"You were here late yesterday as well, were you not?" Natsuki sat forward and rubbed at her face gently.

"Yeah. Trauma case."

"You must be tired."

"A little." She admitted and then glanced my way. "Why are we talking about me? It's your birthday."

I gave her a soft smile. "I worry. Kuga-sensei works so hard."

"Don't. I'm sure you have a million other things you could worry about Shizuru." She mumbled through her hands. It was accurate, but I found her the most pleasant to worry after.

I locked my fingers together in front of me. "Natsuki, I am always thinking of you." It was true. Truer than I would like perhaps… and not something I should have said aloud. I sat, silently eating bits of anxiousness as they popped up, wondering how she would take the statement.

She only looked at me, a bit of her blush returning, before she changed the subject entirely. "Are you going to Kanzaki's thing?"

I was intrigued she would bring this up, and it allowed me a refuge from the tickle of embarrassment I felt over what I'd chosen to say a moment before. "I am. Are you planning to attend?"

"Alyssa is harassing me about going." I smiled, wondering after the girl. She kept providing me with reasons to like her.

"The company would be the better for it."

She scoffed. "I'm sure." I raised my eyebrows and she shook her head.

"I find you quite enjoyable to talk with." I smiled at her and her eyes once again found mine briefly as unreadable as before. "Did you not want some cake?" Lifting my fork, I glanced down at it, turning it toward her in jest.

"No."

"But should Natsuki not have a least a bite? In the spirit of celebration." I smiled happily at her, closing my eyes.

There was sudden pressure on the utensil in my grip and I opened them. She must've ducked down and I watched her lips slip from around the fork. I was completely unprepared for such an action and knew the surprise showed on my face.

Thankfully, she did not look up. Her head tipped as she tasted the treat in a most adorable fashion and then a small nod. "It's good."

I nodded weakly, my arm feeling boneless. "Yes, I thought so."

She glanced at me now, with a touch of intensity. "You should've told me!"

"Did you wish to give me a present?" I asked, close to recovered.

"Well, I would've said happy birthday sooner." She grumbled, leaning back in the chair. I watched, spellbound as she extended her graceful neck, closed her eyes, and ran her fingers through her hair, gathering it in a ponytail. The position forced her to arch her back, pushing her chest far too temptingly forward. Perhaps us turning a corner was not something I'd given due consideration. "Shizuru?"

"Hmm?" My mouth felt slightly dry as she stared at me.

"You got some frosting on your face." I wiped at it self-consciously ducking my head instinctively, startled when she broke into a grin. It would seem I'd been tricked. _Had she really just fooled me?_

"Ikezu!" She stood up quickly as though anticipating an attack and I merely gave her a wounded look. Her face fell and stealthily I gathered a small amount of the white sugary substance on my finger.

"I was just getting you back." She defended, clearly feeling guilty. I stood, keeping my saddened expression until she came closer. I tilted my head, which made her confused, and took the opportunity to tap a small amount onto her nose. "Oi!" She jumped back, avoiding the chair with remarkable agility, wiping at her face through a glare.

I cleaned away the bit of remaining frosting from my index finger with a napkin. To my astonishment, her glare dissolved into an eye roll and a smirk. Then, as if to torment me, she brought her finger to her lips with a look that was half-annoyed, half-entertained, and entirely lovely. The tip of her tongue dabbed at the frosting there briefly as she shook her head, her eyes dropping as she wiped the rest away with her thumb.

I blinked while she strutted off to grab her water, my neck, and chest warming. My heart was getting itself far too excited. That she could be so alluring without realizing or trying, it was troublesome. No, I had not properly thought this through at all. There was a suddenly looming possibility that this woman and this friendship I sought were going to be the death of me. Perhaps I _would_ call Yohko tonight.

**Digression #13: Takeda Masashi  
Date: October 19th, 2013 … a Saturday**

"X-rays?" Masashi stared at the man across from him, whose face looked no different than it had in high school. His hair was shorter, but then again so was his own. He smiled to himself as Nao strolled in. The three of them... the one that never had a chance, the one that couldn't make it work, and the one that wouldn't even admit it. He had been pretty shocked when Yuuichi confessed in a drunken slur that Nao had a crush on Natsuki. Nothing he'd heard from the redhead's mouth indicated that it was anywhere close to the truth, but it was _hot_ to think it might be.

He nodded sharply in reply to the posed question.

"How'd you get into that?" Yuuichi wondered aloud, picking at the label of the beer in his grip.

"The hours let me still run my club, so it works." The dark-haired man answered, reaching for his own beer. The sport had always been important to him, even after the girl who he still found terrifying broke a kendo stick over his face. "You really should come by." The part-time evening work allowed him to comfortably run the dojo, gave him something to fall back on if need be.

Yuuichi shrugged as he always did at the mention of Kendo. Masashi wondered if the strike that blew out his knee their second year was just too traumatic, if the man would ever pick up a Kendo stick again. It didn't seem very likely.

"Did you watch that game last night?" He asked, wanting to get his friend's thoughts on the newer editions to the team.

"Wow, this is a boring conversation," Nao interjected flatly, sliding gracefully between them. They both nodded their greeting at her. "Baseball season is over, I thought we were done with this crap."

Masashi stared at her, surprised as always, that so much attitude could come in such a small and girlish package. She was nice to look at though.

"It's not like baseball is the only sport there is," Yuuichi argued.

"It's the only one that doesn't make me want to rip my ears off when you two go on about it, so new topic, three shots, and stop picking off the damn labels. There's nothing more annoying than picking up the little pieces." She flipped her eyes toward their usual bartender.

Masashi watched the woman between them out of the corner of his eye. She really was a fascinating person, unusual in so many ways and unconcerned about it in all ways. He couldn't even begin to imagine the type of man who would be able to handle her. She would probably eat him alive. It wasn't an entirely unpleasant thought though.

"Tate." She said as three small glasses slid across the table. "Before we drink this, say something goddamn interesting for once." Expectant cat-eyes glanced his way. She also didn't appear to have even the slightest desire to keep herself from speaking her thoughts.

"I'm getting married." He said, knocking back the clear liquid. Neither Nao nor Masashi moved, glasses hung loosely in their grips.

The redhead recovered first, tossing the drink back and wincing slightly. "Who the hell are you marrying?"

The dark-haired man was still waiting, the unreasonable part of him hoping Yuuichi wouldn't say her name, that he and Natsuki hadn't somehow reconciled. It was stupid and childish, but he couldn't help it. By now it was automatic.

"Shiho," Yuuichi answered staring at the table. The word was a trigger for Masashi and he quickly downed his shot.

"What the hell?" It was just like Nao to pull absolutely no punches and the man gave her a hard stare.

Yuuichi pressed his lips together, blinking at the table, jaw shifting forward in irritation. "She loves me."

The redhead scoffed and nodded to the bartender for another round. "Yeah, every goddamn person in our graduating class knew that. She followed you around like a stalker."

"Congratulations, Yuuichi." He added in awkwardly and Nao grinned his way for some reason he didn't understand. Masashi inherently grasped why Yuuichi would marry the girl. They were the same age. The chase was getting old, and dating was possibly the worst thing in the world. Even if they were impossible to understand, he couldn't debate the fact that there was nothing quite so amazing, so comforting as the feeling of a woman's body, as the smell and look of them. It was almost always better to be with than without, still… Shiho? She wasn't half-bad looking, but there was such a thing as too crazy. Maybe she'd changed. He didn't know, and that was Yuuichi's business anyway.

"I'm assuming you haven't told Kuga." Nao broke in.

"No." He took another shot, pushing his beer aside as soon as it landed on the table. "And you better not either." His voice was stern, but his face was filled with a combination of contradictory emotions. "Fuck her if she doesn't like it."

Masashi frowned at the man. It was so unlike the Yuuichi he knew to say something like that, even if they hadn't seen much of each other while he and Natsuki were together. It didn't sit right with him nor did it sit right with him that Nao said nothing in defense of her friend. In fact, from what he understood of post-relationship conventions, she technically shouldn't even be associating with Yuuichi if he and Natsuki broke up. Wasn't that how these things went? Honestly, it wouldn't be a shock to him if Nao had her own set of rules, or didn't have any at all. His frown deepened as he realized that he wanted to defend Natsuki, he wanted to do something for her, help her. He felt like he'd caused her nothing but grief, that his crush had caused them both nothing but grief and even now, he just wanted a chance to leave it on better terms, to be something positive for her, instead of just that annoying guy who liked her, past tense. He didn't want to be that to anyone.

"Like I would put myself in the middle of the god-awful mess you two made." The redhead commented, clearly offended. "Do what you want, your business if you don't have the balls to tell her, you've only known her since you were twelve… and Shiho is an idiot." She waved her hand dismissively. The brown-haired man threw himself against the wall behind him, crossing his arms.

 _This was getting awkward._ Nonetheless, Masashi wondered at the lackluster defense of someone important, but then what do you say to someone like Nao? What would be the point?

"You don't even know her anymore." He said finally, and the girl shrugged. That was a little better Masashi guessed. "And you called Kuga an idiot all the time too."

"She is." The girl said with a shrug and a flick of her wrist. "There are different kinds of idiots."

"Kuga-san is not an idiot." Masashi corrected, uncomfortable with the brutal sort of honesty with which Nao spoke.

"You had no problem with me calling anyone else an idiot, which makes you an idiot too, Takeda." The redhead added, stealing the beer Yuuichi had abandoned. Masashi's dark green eyes peered over at her, somewhat coldly. "Kuga can't see things even when they're standing bare-assed in front of her damn face, that's why she's an idiot."

A way with words, she had. Maybe it was the tone of her voice, but he wondered suddenly if maybe Yuuichi was right and the image of Nao standing bare-assed in front of a leather-clad Natsuki, whose riding suit was being unzipped slowly flashed in his mind. He pinched his nose reflexively, considering another of those shots. Arms still crossed, Yuuichi glanced over at the girl, throwing a slight nod as if he agreed. These two people had turned so dark. Well, Yuuichi had turned dark, maybe not dark, but definitely a little bitter. He could understand it to some extent. Natsuki and the man had been together for a long time. Those kinds of break-ups always left some sourness. Nao? He didn't know, she had always seemed a bit dark.

"Why am I an idiot?" Masashi finally asked. Whatever else he thought of the woman, she certainly had a unique perspective on things.

"You're an idiot because you let Kuga scare you and before you ask, Tate's an idiot because he's marrying an idiot."

"Seems like you think everyone is." The man interrupted, frowning at her and stealing his beer back.

"Pretty much." She agreed.

"So why are _you_ an idiot?" Yuuichi asked.

She narrowed her eyes, a grin twitched at the edge of her lips. "I'm an idiot because I'm hanging out with you two idiots, which means I'll need another drink to make this bearable." _Such a strange girl._

"I'll get you one." Masashi offered, he needed another anyway.

"What a gentleman." She mocked with those eyes that said nothing wholesome and that full-lipped smirk. Definitely a little bit evil. When he sat back down, she leaned over the table and grinned at the man across from them. "So, you must not have told her you were having a drink with me. She wouldn't let that fly. Already keeping secrets and you're not even leashed yet."

He said nothing, only smiled at her as her mouth fell into a frown. She shot an almost murderous glare at the man and Masashi turned to look over his shoulder. In walked Munakata Shiho looking way better than he remembered, silly hair traded for a style much less reminiscent of an octopus. Good for Yuuichi, he decided.

"You're an ass." Nao accused.

Yuuichi tipped his beer at her. Strangely enough, they were grinning at each other, like this was a game. Weird people, Masashi thought to himself. He eyed them again. Weird, borderline drunk people.

"Been a long time, Spiral." The newcomer smiled small and tight.

Shiho hated the nickname and Nao knew it. Masashi didn't know where it had come from, didn't care, and never used it, but he remembered people had teased the girl in high school. Nao had teased the girl in high school.

"Juliet." Nao hated the nickname and Shiho knew it. This was going to be interesting.

Masashi knew where this name had come from, everyone knew, it was pretty much legend. Miss Maria had forced Nao to participate in the annual theatre club production under threat of repeating her Sophomore year. _Romeo and Juliet._ He could still remember her bored yawn in that flowing dress right before she pushed Romeo off the balcony. He hadn't thought of it in ages. One of the kendo club members had been her unfortunate costar, so he had attended in support. He remembered Kuga-san there too. It was the only time he'd ever seen her laugh.

He practically winced as he waited to see what would happen next, while he tried to hatch some sort of an escape plan. Contradictorily, the shared digs seemed to break the ice and the two girls continued to talk civilly, albeit passive-aggressively. He and Yuuichi even had a chance to talk about the game last night, compare notes on who looked most promising. The drinks kept coming, liquid sandpaper, and things became smoother and smoother. He didn't clearly remember when Yuuichi and Shiho left, but he and Nao closed down the bar, emerging into the cool night with only the barest of stumbles.

Masashi was surprised when she invited him back to her apartment but was at a point where he undervalued thinking and overvalued physical attraction. They had smoked a bowl and shared a kiss and then… well… then things had taken an interesting turn. Somehow he ended up handcuffed to her bed while she all but tore him apart like some sort of tiny, tangerine jungle cat. She was sexy as hell and scarier than anyone he'd ever met and he spent most of their short time together just trying to comprehend what was happening, where those handcuffs had come from, and why he didn't care that she was scratching so damn hard.

Now he was standing in the hallway of an apartment complex, more confused than he could ever remember being, and shoved out by a small wildfire of a woman who was much stronger than she looked. His boots tumbled toward him, as he tried to zip his pants. Tracks left by sharp fingernails, red and raised, stood out on his chest. The imprint of perfect teeth throbbed on his shoulder. His shirt and coat hit him squarely in the face, sliding down to the floor. The sound of a door locking shocked him almost as much as the leather-faced old woman in a too-small nightgown standing across the way and staring at his pants.

He slipped his shirt on, fumbling with the buttons, still a bit intoxicated and a lot cloudy as a raspy voice echoed in the hallway.

"I wouldn't have kicked you out, honey." He sunk down, scooping up his jacket and slapping the call button for the elevator repeatedly, face a mask of near terror as she looked him up and down again, blowing cigarette smoke into the yellow hallway, cracked lips… like a desiccated cherry. They were all crazy he decided. It wasn't just Shiho. All the women on this damn island were nuts.

**Aside #13: A Night Not Remembered** _(Memory)_

"Nao, get up." Natsuki sat on the edge of her bed, looking down at her friend on the floor.

"Fuck off." The words were slurred.

She nudged the woman with her foot. "Are you gonna sleep there?"

"I said fuck...off." With a roll of her eyes, the dark-haired woman leaned down and lifted her friend up. "God, you're annoying." The girl responded, pushing back, making the entire process significantly more difficult than it should have been. As such, when Natsuki got her near the bed, she wasn't overly concerned with getting her into it gently. "Don't throw me!"

"Idiot. If you helped, it woulda been easier." She ground out, pulling the shoes off her combative friend's feet. "You didn't call."

"Who said I came for you? So damn full of yourself." The girl on the bed commented, kicking lightly, struggling until the other woman had no choice but to hold her leg down with one hand, glaring at her. "Not everything is about you."

A scoff erupted from the woman who was now rolling off her socks. "Look around." Nao's eyes rolled to the ceiling of a room she didn't recognize.

"Where the hell are we?"

Natsuki sat beside her, wrapping her arms around herself. "You're at my apartment in Oxford."

Shakily the other woman rose up on elbows. "Where the hell are my shoes?"

"I don't want them on my bed. Lay down before you fall over."

"You stole my shoes?"

Natsuki clenched her teeth hard. "Damn it Nao! What is going on?"

Chatoyant eyes narrowed unevenly. "Oh, you care now?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

The girl sat up, fidgeting and irritated and swaying. "You..." An unsteady finger waved. "left me." A poke to the chest, before she dropped her hand harder than she intended to. It smacked uselessly against the duvet.

"I went to school." She touched her friend's arm and was slapped away aggressively. "Ow, damn it!" The dark-haired woman hadn't the slightest idea what was going on, but decided she'd keep her hands to herself.

"In England, you asshole!"

"Because Alyssa's here, you goddamn know that!" She said, annoyed with being aggressed at.

"What the hell…" The redhead was sitting up, poking at her chest again…hard. "Am I supposed to do without you there? Who am I supposed to talk to?"

Their faces became closer and closer as the redhead spoke. Natsuki's eyes widened in shock when after those two questions, Nao's uncoordinated mouth met hers, teeth crashing together, crushing her lip. She jerked back in pain.

"NAO!" It was somewhere between a squeak and a shriek, and she covered her mouth with both hands, a metallic taste swirling on her tongue. She was actually bleeding.

The other girl brought a hand to her owns lips, looking put off. "Wow Kuga, you can't kiss for shit. Poor Tate."

"IDIOT! You…" Shakily, the other girl brought her finger up, not surprised to see a bit of blood on the tip of it. Her voice was as openly annoyed as her eyes. "Damn it! You cut my lip open."

Eyes rolled to the bed. "Don't get huffy, it ruins your face."

"Did you fly here just to be an ass?" She crossed her arms over her chest, glaring.

A sigh erupted from Nao and she flicked her hand, flopping onto her side. "Pup, I'm fucking drunk. Ignore me. Shouldn't be too hard, you were doing that anyway."

"I wasn't ignoring you." She grumbled in frustration. Quietly, warily the dark-haired girl climbed on the bed next to her, leaning her back against the headboard. Nao was only this horrible when she was really upset, most of the time her mean streak was much more manageable. Silently they sat a few feet apart. One girl brushed at her bleeding lip, trying to push down her annoyance. The other was laying on her stomach now, closing her eyes against a spinning room and dizzying feelings.

Having sufficiently calmed, Natsuki looked at the prone form of her friend. "What's going on, Nao?...are you okay?"

"No, you idiot. Do I look okay to you?"

Natsuki briefly wondered whether this would fall under the category of justifiable homicide. If it didn't, this was certainly getting there. The dark-haired woman rose and walked to the kitchen, filling a glass and eying her set of knives with just a touch of serious consideration. She splashed some cold water against her throbbing mouth. _What the hell was that about anyway?_ Nao must be absolutely out of her mind drunk, she decided, an accident. Sighing, she moved back to the bed in her modest studio. The glass was placed on the table beside her curled up friend and she sat on the edge of the mattress.

"She's sick again." The voice surprised her and she knew immediately who Nao meant. "I'm losing my shit, Kuga. I don't think I can do it a second time. We have no money. I have to sell the house to pay for the damn hospital, which means I'm homeless. What the hell do I know about this kind of stuff? I'm too young for this shit and I couldn't stand the smell of that fucking hospital for one more second. I had to leave."

"Nao I'm…"

Her tone was harsh when it interrupted. "Don't say sorry, come back."

Eyes full of concern, her friend looked toward her, touching her arm. "I can't with school and Alyssa."

Suddenly the walls were back up and her face was a somewhat sloppy mask of condescending indifference once more, as she wrenched her limb away. "Don't get all emotional on me."

Natsuki swallowed forcefully, closing her eyes, and shoving out her words. "Stay here."

"I have to read to her Kuga." The dark-haired woman smiled at the reveal, small and only because her friend could not see.

It was a long while before Natsuki was able to say what she did next. "Then stay at my mother's house."

The words had something of a sobering effect. "Your mother?" Natsuki had never mentioned her mother, ever, in all the time they'd known each other. Tate had told her what happened only because he was apparently afraid she'd unknowingly say something hurtful. It was definitely possible.

"She left me a house. I'll call Sakomizu, he's got keys. Stay there. He could help you, he knows about that stuff." Her voice was quiet and low, so serious.

Unsure and feeling vulnerable, Nao refused on instinct. "No."

"Don't argue. Do it." Natsuki wrapped her arms around herself again, standing up. Pausing at the half-wall that closed off her bed from the rest of the apartment, she delivered another request, her back to the girl on the bed. "Stay out of the room at the top of the stairs on the left."

For once the girl dropped her sarcasm. "It'll just be a few weeks. I'm gonna get my own place."

"I don't care how long, stay as long as you need to, just give Sakomizu the keys back." Still facing away, she left the room, leaning against the wall just outside, and wiping angrily at a tear as it escaped. Nao would be the first person to live in the house since what happened. Why the notion of having someone there was so upsetting, she didn't really understand.

It surprised her when the other woman was suddenly standing, if a little shakily, in front of her. A hand slapped against the wall beside her head and she stared, wide-eyed and nervous, wanting to cover her mouth with a protective hand, to shove the other woman away, but she realized Nao was just trying to hold herself up. Neither knew who moved first, but they ended up in a slightly clumsy, but fierce hug.


	14. An Ending, Yukariko, and Two Guys

**Narrative #14: An Ending  
** **Date: December 20, 2013 ... a Friday**

Unsure what had woken me, I blinked my eyes while pulling in a breath through my nose. There was a rare mellowness filling me and I nestled against my pillow, intending to enjoy it to its fullest. The morning was my least favorite part of the day, though I had long ago accepted that rolling out of bed at nine or ten each morning was a social impossibility. I was rather pleased that my new position allowed for consistent weekends off. Sleep was such a wonderful, peaceful thing. It always seemed a shame to end it so abruptly, especially the deep sort of sleep I tended to fall into after the activities I had been engaged in.

"Hey." A whisper-soft voice beside me said. "Are you awake?"

"Good morning." My voice was slightly hoarse and I let my eyes stay closed, running a hand over my face delicately.

"It's not morning yet." There was a hint of amusement in her tone.

That was good news. It would mean I had a bit more rest in my future. "No? What time is it?"

"Around one." I could feel her eyes on me, so I glanced over in her direction. She appeared playfully annoyed. "It's ridiculous."

I attempted to clear my sleep-fogged mind. "What is it Yohko finds ridiculous?"

"Do you even exercise?" I followed her eyes down to my abdomen, the sheets having fallen to my waist. Tangled sheets were not too uncommon in my bedroom… I was a bit of a restless sleeper. Exercising was neither something I talked about nor did in the company of others. Honestly, the idea of sweating in front of someone else who would also be sweating was unattractive to me in all but one very particular circumstance.

Still, it was a perfect lead-in. "We did just a few hours ago, did we not?" I gave her a lazy smile, while she shook her head. I could not imagine that something as silly as the flatness of my stomach was driving her to insomnia. "Is there something keeping Yohko awake?" I asked quietly, reaching over to touch her thigh. She felt tense, which was incredibly unusual for her, almost as unusual as her being awake at one in the morning. So little seemed to ever trouble her.

She shrugged, leaning her head back against the wall, pulling the sheet up to cover her chest, a shame really. What she had to be self-conscious about I could not guess. She was wonderfully attractive. "Shizuru..."

"Hmm?" I turned onto my stomach, resting my head on folded arms and gazing at her. The apprehension in her tone caught my attention.

She was looking at me rather intently and seemed so oddly serious. "I'm not sure we should do this anymore."

I was quite surprised, so much so that I did not know what to say in response. Even stranger, a small amount of hurt pricked at me, so I attempted to make light of it. Smiling, I repeated words she'd spoken to me. "Yohko is not falling in love with me, is she?"

She laughed, but there was still nervousness. "I know better." She dropped her eyes to the white expanse of linen between us. I could tell it was an awkward conversation for her, one she'd rather not be having. It was not a conversation I wished to be having either. I replayed the events of tonight trying to understand. I could not find a single thing that had changed, my mind racing around for a clue and coming up empty. "I just don't know if this is good for you right now."

"Do you not think I enjoyed myself?" My levity required increasing effort.

She gave me quite a look. "Not what I meant. I think both of your neighbors are well aware you enjoyed yourself."

I pouted at her. "I believe you hold most of the responsibility in that."

"Shizuru, I'm being serious. I think whatever is going on with you and Kuga,"

 _That was the issue?_ I stopped her. "What would make you think there is anything going on?" There really was nothing, unless something completely one-sided could be considered important and why would she choose to bring this up now? Why after we'd slept together? She could have just as easily not initiated this. I was not angry, but I was certainly perplexed by her choice of timing.

Concern filled eyes regarded me steadily. "Shizuru," My playfully questioning look was met with a worried sigh. "You were dreaming about her." I was momentarily leveled by embarrassment. There was no use saying anything witty in response because my cheeks were warming, giving me away. Occasionally I spoke in my sleep, I'd been told so before and each time the idea was equally discomforting. "There _is_ something going on. Maybe nothing comes of it, but…"

I closed my eyes and collected myself, my tone purposefully light. "If nothing is to come of it, that would make it irrelevant, would it not?"

"No." The woman corrected. She did not seem disturbed or jealous, which I would not have expected from her anyway, but she did seem worried. "It's definitely relevant."

I really did not wish to talk about this, so I made an attempt to end the conversation by utilizing a new tactic, straddling her with slow, deliberate movements. "Yohko is truly a woman of principle." I cupped her cheek, infusing as much sincerity into my voice as I could.

She rolled her eyes at me and smirked. Always so immune to my attempts at seduction, yet so clearly attracted to me physically. It was an unusual combination. "I might be the only one." She accused gently, a tiny puff of air escaping. I slid my hands over her ribs. "Are you even listening to me, Shizuru?"

"It was just a silly dream." A dream I remembered nothing of and really did not want to talk about, so I nuzzled against her neck in a way I knew she found pleasurable. The splendid little cloud of relaxation I'd been caught in when I woke, was very quickly dissipating.

"I don't want to take advantage of the situation or you." She spoke as if there weren't a naked woman breathing on her neck.

"I was under the impression Yohko liked taking advantage of me," I whispered close to her ear, a comment that she tried to ignore.

"I don't want this to become anything other than the two of us having fun either."

I felt my eyebrow lift and nibbled at her ear. My method of distraction did not seem to be overly effective, but it was sufficiently enjoyable on my end. I made a go at picking the meaning from her last statement. "Do you think that I would imagine you to be someone else? I would not."

"You called me Natsuki." I nipped at her and she yelped. _That was not very nice._

"Ikezu. I did no such thing," I whispered to the smarting skin of her neck. It was one of the few times I'd been distracted enough _not_ to think of Natsuki. I'd not had any thoughts outside of what was happening at the moment. It was one of many things I found enjoyable about sex.

"I don't want you to either." I very suddenly found my hands pinned to my side. "You are _not_ making this conversation very easy." She was looking up at me, her tone dry, her face irritated and more attractive for it.

"Kanin-na," I said innocently.

She clearly did not consider my apology genuine, which was fair, and her eyes were already drifting along my skin. My heart sped. "It isn't a question of me wanting you because I do." She was studying me in the way she tended to before she proceeded to mercilessly strip away nearly all the composure I possessed.

I shored up my defenses to hide how much that particular facial expression impacted me. It was difficult when I knew exactly what she was capable of. Another attempt to avoid the conversation, though I'd had no success thus far. "Perhaps then Yohko would be willing to let my hands go so that I could apologize properly."

"Shizuru…" She was warning me in the gentle way she always did, yet already her body was closer. When she realized, she backed away a little. "I really don't think this is a good idea." She said and then shakily, she let me go. "It feels wrong."

I turned my head away, strongly disliking that she had chosen to use that particular word. I suppose if she thought it was the truth then it was appropriate of her.

Some bit of understanding flashed in her eyes. "Not us. Like _I'm_ doing something wrong, personally. I don't know what is going on with Kuga and you, but I don't want any part in ruining it." She looked at me meaningfully. "I know you don't like talking, but I'm pretty sure you have feelings for her."

I laughed softly, eyes closed, almost a chuckle as if it were absurd because I didn't want her to know that my heart just shrank. "Yohko has become such a hopeless romantic." _Feelings for her_? Had I let myself slip that badly? If anyone was capable of dragging such emotion from me it was Natsuki, but I did not want it to be true. It would be too problematic. Attraction was one thing, feelings were quite another.

"I could say the same thing about you." She answered with the confident smile she always responded to my teasing with. "You're my friend, Shizuru. I just want you to be happy, and if this even has a chance of getting in the way of that, I shouldn't be doing it." She stared at me, appearing rather remorseful. "No matter how gorgeous you are or how much I love sleeping with you." She paused, considering her words, and her eyelid fluttered, mouth slipping into a frown. "God, that came out terrible."

I was watching her in disbelief. It was touching, strangely one of the sweetest things anyone had ever said to me despite the phrasing. I suppose I needed to accept her concerns because I did not wish for things to turn sour between us ever. Unable to resist, I leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips, not too deeply. "Ookini. For being so sweet."

She laughed incredulously. "You thought that was sweet?"

"I did." At my bright smile, she shook her head at me in shock. Each time we were together, I had never been certain it would happen again. It was not as if this had happened all that often, but nonetheless, I was nervous about losing it, unhappy even. Thankfully, I was able to keep it hidden. The loss was not her fault. Apparently, it was mine. I climbed off her, sitting against the headboard beside her, my thoughts swirling.

Feelings for Natsuki… I wanted Yohko to be wrong for many reasons, paramount of which was my fear that I was incapable of loving someone in a way that was healthy for either person involved. _Loving someone._ At the mention of feelings, my mind immediately leaped far ahead of where it should have landed. I did not want to risk attempting such a thing. Irrespective of my concerns over myself, all signs seemed to indicate that Kuga Natsuki was uninterested in women and potentially involved with that gentleman, regardless of whatever Yohko saw floating in the air between us. My feelings, besides being dangerous, would quite possibly be completely unwelcome, upsetting to her in the worst of cases. All of this would mean that if I was indeed developing feelings for her, they would need to be held under tight reins and that was sure to be unpleasant. I did not want it and knew I would not be particularly proficient at it either given how difficult I was finding it to contain my attraction to her.

"Are we okay?"

I glanced over at her, my hand in my hair, pushing a smile. "Of course."

She was watching me very intently, too intently. "Are you sure?"

I nodded, looking toward my feet. "I am certain." I knew that if I smiled again it would concern her further. I was not upset with her. Her reasons were too considerate, she was too considerate and our relations had never involved emotion. Our friendship was much more affectionate than the sex we had ever was. Not that I minded that in the least.

"Good." She seemed relieved, her eyes and smile both, but it did not last. "Maybe I should leave."

That was totally unnecessary. "Do not be silly." She studied me again and then nodded.

It was never meant to be love, neither of us held any such illusions. It was never meant to be a realization of my secret impossible hopes. Still, I would miss what I had found in this, outside of the friendship. Not just an excellent lover, though she was, but someone who I wanted and wanted me openly in return… no adoration, no desire for anything other than a delicious night, no strings attached. It was something that did not feel terribly wrong afterward… someone I'd never hurt… and her touch, us together had comforted and relaxed me. I could wake up next to her assured that she would not regret, not question, that her face would never say this was a mistake or that she was ashamed of what we'd done, ashamed of having touched me, or of allowing my touch. Somehow, her lack of guilt in all this made me feel less like a flawed person, more like the things that I wanted and who I allowed myself to be were not completely disgraceful. I understood that this was the only type of relationship I could safely allow myself. More than likely it was the only type that I belonged in, but these were not things I could say to Yohko. I was painfully aware of the fact that what we had was rare in its lack of complications… that the combination of the two of us, our respective capacities for unattached passion, were the only thing that made this work.

I felt the heat on my chest again as my thoughts continued to wander. If my dreams were going to ruin something like this, the least they could do is let me remember them. It was all I would ever know of being with Natsuki in that way. Sadly, it was not unusual for me. I had never remembered my dreams, not even as a child. Perhaps that was what made my sleep talking so unsettling for me, that whomever I was with could know more of what my mind imagined in the night than I did. In truth, I was not sure I even wanted to know what I'd said. The embarrassment was still clinging to my insides, so I did not ask. The profundity of it decided for me that I needed a trip to the washroom, a splash of water on my face perhaps, _a moment._

As I slid my legs over the side of the bed, I heard her voice from behind me. "Shizuru…"

"Hmm?" I was almost frightened to imagine what would come next.

"What's with the arsenal in your living room? Stockpiling for the apocalypse or something?"

The question was unexpected and absolutely terrifying to me, but perhaps it was time I told someone. I saw no other way to explain the boxes of guns and swords and other assorted weapons short of pretending to be some sort of survivalist, which would not be particularly believable. Again I'd been caught with my guard down. I should have hidden those items before she came. My thoughts forcing themselves to the surface was a physical sensation, uncomfortable, and disconcerting. They pressed against my chest… like reaching the limit of your strength before the seal gives, a pressure felt down to the bone.

When they finally came, the words popped up like the lid of a new jar. "My father passed away. He was a collector of antique weaponry and left them to me." I could not drop my smile when I spoke. It must have been such a strange contrast.

"God, I'm so sorry. I had no idea." She slipped a hand over mine. It was soothing enough that I felt compelled to pull away. A gentle squeeze first, but I had to retreat before I allowed myself something unforgivably weak, like crawling into her arms. I still could not think of him being gone, not without that ache that felt like sickness.

"I do not have the slightest idea what it is I will do with them, let alone the car he left to me." _Those boxes._ I had not been able to get through any of them, even months later. I needed them gone.

She gave another look of pure shock. "He left you a car too?"

"He did, one far too expensive and an Italian espresso machine."

"Huh." She said with a puzzled expression on her face.

"That is very much how I felt."

Brown hair fell in front of her eyes. "Do you like cars?"

"Not beyond their usefulness and certainly not enough to have more than one. I am finding two to be rather excessive, as you might imagine."

She smiled at me gently. "What kind of car is it?"

I only remembered the name because of Alyssa. "An Aston Martin. I was told it is a Vanquish if that means anything to you."

Her surprised facial expression indicated she knew it, she had a rather sporty car herself. "It rings a bell. Are you going to sell it?"

"I have not decided."

"I'm sorry. My mind is way too practical, that was an awful question."

I corrected her. "No, it was something I had considered. I have also considered donating the weapons to a museum."

"You know...Midori works with a couple of curators over at the history museum,"

"Does she?"

"Let me know if you want me to ask her about it."

"I will." I looked down at my pillow, missing its comfort, when I felt two strong arms wrap around me, pulling me into a warm, still very naked embrace. I did not expect it, or the way my own body seemed to melt as if it had been waiting for this. It was too soothing, her arms, the feeling that someone was willing to take care of me, it made me want to disappear. If this was its reaction to a close friend, what would my body do if Natsuki ever touched me? It was frightening to imagine. Honest touch without any sexual undertone, it found the loneliness in me, spoke to it directly and I was desperate to hide it away again.

"Shizuru, I really am sorry about your father."

"Ookini," I answered, hoping she missed the slight quiver in my voice.

When she pulled back a bit to speak, I could see in her face that there was something worrying her. "Listen, if you need anything…" I swallowed against the force of the emotions straining my chest, forcing them back down as hard as I could. Why was it these people who knew me could see into me without my permission? Reito, Yohko, Chie, even Haruka to some extent, and of course Natsuki, albeit for an entirely different reason, were all able to get inside me to varying degrees.

I gave a smile, keeping my eyes closed. "Yohko really is too kind."

**Digression #14: Sanada Yukariko  
** **Date: September 9** **th** **, 2013 … a Monday**

Sanada Yukariko had been a novelty among the other children in the convent's orphanage. It began when one of the older priests showed her his wooden chess set. He taught her the game and the patterned board, the alternating squares, the strategy, the beauty of it captured her. The other children had come to watch her play, to challenge her, surprised that such a mild-mannered, soft-spoken, congenial child could dispatch her opponents so efficiently. When the old priest died, she had been heartbroken, even more so when his belongings were removed, the chess set among them. The only piece left, forgotten on the floor by his desk, having fallen when the board was carried away, was the white knight. She'd scraped it up, felt guilty knowing she was taking it without permission, but justifying the action by telling herself she was saving it from the rubbish pile. It sat by her bed still, and every now and then she would hold the piece in her hand in the delicate way he had shown her, two fingers hovering with no telling direction while she considered a move on an imagined board. When she turned it in her grip, she would run her thumb across its base where the maker's mark was worn smooth, but the carved relief of the town from which it came… Sveti Vlas was still palpable. It was a town on the coast of the Black Sea named for a famous healer, Saint Vlas, who like many martyrs had suffered torture and persecution for his beliefs. The priest had told her that it was made by a friend of his in one of several monasteries in that region of Bulgaria. Father Greer had studied there when he was a young man.

She grew up in a building run by the convent adjacent to the old Fuuka Hospital, was barely past girlhood when First District Healthcare bought up the property and transformed it into what it was today. She had been quite happy to work in the new hospital's chapel. The work was rewarding, bringing comfort to patients on the edge of death, reminding them that there was something bigger, something waiting for them, someone watching over them. Her work meant a great deal to her. She liked speaking with the family members who came to the chapel in times of need, looking to God, toward the gentle light of his love. Though painful, it was a glorious thing to see, their faces in fervent prayer, hearts seeking, straining toward the divine, held in the cradling embrace of true, honest faith. Then there were those who wanted to believe… who came because they were trying to find a piece of themselves that was missing. Sister Yukariko loved these people too, the lost children of God who cried for their own hollowness, for the sensation of not belonging anywhere, losing touch, alone and unable to believe. She even enjoyed soothing those who were angry with God for taking someone away, for bringing sickness. She understood that they came to the chapel because they still loved God in spite of their hurt and together they could grow from that. Sister Yukariko viewed part of her mission as a good Christian to guide them all back to the sweet love of Jesus Christ, to give them even a glimpse of the truth of his compassion, his devotion to them. God had given her a test though, a test in the form of a thin redheaded woman who was all blasphemy and unrepentant sin.

It had started with confessions too horrifying, too flagrantly devilish for her to sit through. Weeks of this torture had brought her to seek the counsel of the priest who she worked with. He'd enlightened her as to the divine intent behind the woman's appearance… a trial by fire, a test of faith. So she sat and listened to the nauseating tales of lust and promiscuity and debasement, waiting for a sign. She'd learned, by seeing the girl on one of the floors while visiting another patient, that her mother was dying. God had shown her that this child was nothing but a lost lamb and she promised herself she'd guide her back to the loving arms of the lord. This was easier said than done. The girl was incredibly resilient in her denial of God, in her dedication to questioning even the most basic tenants of her religious convictions. Eventually, Sister Yukariko had allowed despondency to creep into their interactions and that troubled her. It just wasn't in her soul to believe the girl was beyond saving.

She had wondered for a moment if the person who entered the chapel a few minutes ago was that Spine surgeon. He kept appearing in the chapel with no purpose other than to speak with her. When she emerged into the main area, it was not him she saw. It was the lamb in lion's clothing. Tonight she was sitting in a pew with her legs crossed, swinging her foot and reading what looked to be a novel. A glance at the title… _"The Story of O"…_ she wasn't familiar with it.

"Yuuki-san." The nun greeted, taking a graceful seat beside the girl.

A Cheshire cat grin took her lips and she crossed her arms behind her head. "Sister. Happy to see me?"

Sister Yukariko did not smile because that smirk was worrisome. She knew what tended to follow. "Is it to be confession tonight?"

"You sound thrilled."

Wary, she responded truthfully. "It frightens me to imagine what you'll say."

The grin widened. "That's not very nun-like."

"How is your mother doing? I prayed with her yesterday." Sister Yukariko had been visiting the girl's mother ever since she'd seen them together.

Eyes and mouth fell flat. "Same as ever, almost dead."

The woman shook her head, saddened. "Yuuki-san, why do you say things like that? I know that you care about your mother very deeply."

Those dangerous-looking eyes closed. "The truth is the truth."

"You wear a cross, but you're so resistant to opening your heart. If you could, God would help you through this."

She scoffed. "God can't help me through this."

"He can if you believe." Hands were folded against her habit.

The redheaded girl took a deep breath, pushing it through her nose and picking at painted nails. "If God hands out cures, he's sure taking his sweet time, isn't he? When he finally gets to her, there'll be nothing worth saving left."

Soft blue eyes watched the person beside her, all heart and empathy. "God does not take away our suffering. He helps us to understand it and heals us through his love."

Yuuki Nao was completely unaffected and shrugged. "So you suffer if you do, and you suffer if you don't. Understanding it doesn't change a thing, does it, Sister? No point."

The nun was baffled and thrown by the response. "Why come here if you don't believe there's a point? I know that you pray when you think I'm not looking."

Another shrug. "Can't hurt, right?"

"But you must believe there is a point, otherwise you wouldn't come here."

Silence greeted her and the gentler woman realized, with a bit of wonder, that her statement had made some sort of an impact. It was another minute before the girl spoke. "She believes."

"Your mother does?"

"Yes. She believes in it... this is her cross." She lifted the necklace she wore all the time, dangling the charm like a golden bell before dropping it. "If she believes, he should help her if I ask for her because she can't. Isn't he supposed to be merciful and loving?" It was a challenge and Sister Yukariko knew the lord didn't work in challenges. This was a self-fulfilling prophecy common among non-believers. She had encountered it many times before. Ask for something impossible, expect a miracle, and use the resulting celestial silence to back the doubt already in their hearts and minds.

"You never believed?"

Her jaw shifted. Clearly, the question affected her. "Only when I didn't know any better."

She did not respond to the taunt. "Do you truly not feel it?"

An eyebrow rose at her. "What?"

The nun closed her eyes, breathing in the love she could feel from her savior before she turned her gentle gaze on the girl. "Loneliness Yuuki-san. That space inside us that comes from denying God, from denying the connection we all share, the compassion our Lord placed in each of our hearts. It becomes an emptiness that feels like separateness. It's only his absence."

She saw the words sink into those eyes before they hardened again. "I don't feel like that."

Hands were taken into her own. "All lost souls do because we all want to believe in something, we all need to believe. We are all his children. The loneliness is your heart aching for the heavenly father's love."

She looked away, breath unsteady, drawing her hands back quickly. "Nothing aches." Sister Yukariko was certain in that moment, she'd been speaking to the lamb buried deep within the girl.

"You're not alone. He loves you already Yuuki-san, you've just forgotten how to feel it."

The lamb was quickly retreating. "Look, I'm not lost. I don't need any guiding light or God or whatever. Save it. How about he gives some of that compassion to her?"

"She doesn't need it. Your mother has everything she needs because you already take such excellent care of her, you already love her so much." Their eyes met, distrust and almost hidden pain filling one set while the other was serene. She handed the young woman a string of rosary beads. "Please take these, they were my first set. If she believes, having them nearby may bring her some comfort." The girl reached out a hand that trembled slightly before closing around the sacrosanct object. "I'll continue to pray for her."

"Good night sister."

"Good night." She looked into the young woman's eyes, conveying as much of the empathy and love she felt for her as she could and the girl backed away from it as if spooked. "Oh! Yuuki-san, don't forget your book!"

She gave a worrisome smirk and an even more concerning wink. The lion had returned. "It's a trade. You might like it." With that, she was gone and Sister Yukariko stared down at the novel in her lap, an ominous feeling coming over her as she curiously opened to the first page.

**Aside #14: Two Guys at a Bar** _(Conversation)_

"Tell me Yohko," Reito was sitting at the bar beside her, swirling his second bourbon. "What do you think is going on with Shizuru?"

She smirked, cradling her third gin and tonic. "You mean the thing with Kuga-san?"

"That is one of the things, yes."

"I don't know. Personally, I think is there's something there on both ends. Did Kuga-san say something?"

"It may shock you to learn she doesn't confide in me concerning her personal life." There was a smile in his eyes. "Still it's rather obvious, those two."

"I was wondering whether you noticed Kanzaki."

"She is different around Shizuru certainly. I wasn't convinced my fellow possessed the capacity to speak in entire sentences before our friend came along."

The nurse shrugged. "She says what she needs to."

He shrugged. "Nonetheless, I can certainly understand her interest. Kuga-san is a beautiful woman."

A laugh tumbled from Yohko as a memory hit her. "She came charging into the locker room in a full leather riding suit one night, and I mean skin tight. I thought Shizuru was gonna have a nosebleed."

Reito paused, staring at the counter. "I can imagine."

The nurse realized the alcohol was making her more forward than she would normally be, but the man beside her was used to that. It produced similar effects on him.

Her thoughts then traveled to another, more recent memory that kept popping into her head, of a dreaming Shizuru waking her with a murmured name and a bit of Kyoto-ben. It was absolutely precious, but the second utterance of that name, there was something about it, the softness there. The emotion buried within worried Yohko because as logical as she was by nature, she did think there was some truth in dreams. It was that bit of potential truth that led her to break off something she really enjoyed.

In reality, despite its impact, the name was not the part that kept coming back to her. It was what immediately followed because things had quickly turned from precious into something she felt very guilty watching. She'd kicked the bed frame lightly and then pretended as though she wasn't totally flustered while Shizuru did nothing to help her. How much of the dream did the other woman remember? She had hardly reacted at all on waking, but with Shizuru that didn't necessarily mean anything. It made her wonder what must have been going on in that woman's head, made her think about it more than she would've liked.

Sighing, she took another, longer sip before making her next comment. "It's kind of sexy actually."

The man glanced at her with interest. "Kuga-san?"

"The two of them." She corrected and he nodded. _Indeed. It was very 'sexy', the two of them._

The surgeon and the nurse drank together with some frequency and it seemed they always gravitated toward a particular topic. The conversation seemed to have arrived there early on this night. "Perhaps you can convince her to join you and Shizuru."

She gave him an admonishing look that was mostly bluff. "What kind of woman do you take me for?"

"No?"

"Besides the fact that Kuga-san would never do it, I wouldn't feel right about it. I think there's something there."

"If two absolutely beautiful women offered themselves to me, I must admit, I would not give much consideration to the hidden feelings they may or may not be harboring." He commented with a grin.

"No one offered anything and you're terrible."

"I am but a mortal man."

She lifted an eyebrow. "What about that girl you've been seeing?"

"An excellent point." He raised his glass in concession. "Three beautiful women then."

She laughed, rolling her eyes. "That's your version of morality? Bring her with?"

"Beauty is beauty and the beauty of fantasy is that morality is a non-issue."

A wry look was thrown his way. "How'd we go from talking about Shizuru and Kuga-san to a foursome fantasy?"

"Were you hoping to make it a fivesome?"

She smirked, playing along with a joke that had already gone off the rails a bit. " _You_ may have been, but I think after three it's just all-out debauchery."

He chuckled. "Too Roman for your tastes?"

"Best not to mix work and pleasure, especially in large groups."

"Have you and Shizuru stopped then?" She lifted her eyebrow at him, holding her drink by the tips of her fingers, but her slight frown answered the question. "I doubt you'll have any difficulty finding yourself another willing participant."

She glanced down at the bar top. "I do fine."

"Ah, the young man from housekeeping next, is it?" He would prefer she find another female playmate but knew that was unlikely.

"He's not that young."

"Shizuru is significantly more attractive." He commented. "And you're right. It's quite possible he's already graduated high school."

"You're not cute Kanzaki." She responded sending him a playfully reprimanding glare. "I knew you'd think she was a better choice, and for the record, I agree with you, Shizuru's better looking."

"It is a much better mental image as well."

She released a heavy sigh, shaking her head. "Why do we always end up talking about sex?"

Reito chuckled. "Some sort of latent, unspoken yearnings perhaps?"

She scoffed, smiling crookedly at him. "We talk like two guys at a bar because we secretly wanna sleep together? I'd rethink that."

He nodded. "A fair point."

"It's the woman who runs that little shop that you've been seeing, right?"

"Yes."

"She's pretty. So, is it going well?"

"It's going surprisingly well. Though it's early, she does seem to be exactly who I thought she was. A rarity, in my experience." He stared at the mirror behind the bar as if trying to understand his own words, smiling to himself before turning to face Yohko. "It does surprise me you think Kuga-san wouldn't participate in that sort of activity."

A raised eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because she seems emotionally distant and somewhat deviant."

She laughed. "She's not emotionally distant. I can't picture her ever letting anyone who she didn't care about close enough for that. She's an attach-er."

An intrigued expression crossed his face. "An interesting theory. What makes you believe that?"

"It took two months before Kuga-san and I had an actual social conversation, you _still_ haven't had one with her."

A slight nod. "This is true."

"Emotionally distant is different than wounded defensive. Kuga-san is wounded defensive. I don't think she would ever consider being with someone unless she was already attached."

He spared a glance at her. "Are these categories your own invention?"

"They work."

"Under which category do you file Shizuru then?"

"She's got her own."

A knowing smile. "A wise choice."

"Gonna tell me why you're so concerned about all of this?"

"I would not say that I'm concerned about it, Yohko."

She jetted air through her nose, glancing over at him. "So what would you say?"

He took a deep breath in, his mouth settling into a frown that seemed out of place on him… he tapped at his glass. "I'm worried about Shizuru, I suppose. She has not seemed herself lately."

"You don't have to pretend you don't know."

He watched the woman beside him. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"You know exactly what I mean. She told me about her father, so stop. You should've told me so we could have sent a sympathy card or flowers or something." An irritated frown was shot his way.

He placed his drink down, resting a hand over his mouth, staring at the woman beside him. "Shizuru's father passed away?"

"You knew that."

"I did not."

She stared back at him for a moment. "You didn't?"

The tight-lipped look of concentrated worry on his face rendered him unrecognizable. "She said nothing to me."

"Huh." The two of them sat silently beside one another, lost in their thoughts, further concerned by the revelation, sipping their drinks in perfect synchronization.


	15. Unusual Locations, Shiho, and ICU

**Narrative #15: Conversations in Unusual Locations  
** **Date: December 28, 2013 … a Saturday**

The annual Kanzaki Christmas party was the smashing success everyone had come to expect by now, but I did not feel much in the spirit. It appeared that despite seeing Natsuki come in, I had already missed her after having attempted to wait a polite amount of time before shamelessly seeking her attention. I should have known she would not stay long. She had not seemed particularly eager to go in the first place. Reaching the second floor, I walked into a darkened, quiet room seeking a bit of solitude. As I was alone, I let the heavy sigh I'd been holding escape…I no longer had to keep up the pretense of holiday cheer. Perhaps the disappointment was my own fault, allowing myself to imagine that I might spend a night chatting with her, and in my more devious musings, corner her beneath the mistletoe that Mikoto had hung in the kitchen. It did seem that I veered hopelessly toward foolishness where she was concerned.

As I mentally chastised myself, flashes like pinpricks captured my attention. The second floor of the house was dimly lit, which made the softly falling snow easy to see through the glass doors. The white flakes drifting down were wonderfully fat and fluffy as they twirled against the bluish-black sky, refraction making them sparkle. The color of this night reminded me of her hair and immediately I wondered if Natsuki was looking at this from wherever it was she'd gone off to. _No more of those thoughts._

The childish urge to hold a snowflake in my hand struck me and I obeyed it. Stepping up to the sliding door, I pushed it open and walked out onto the small balcony. It was a gorgeous scene, the white not yet covering anything, melting into the too warm earth and I reached my hand out.

"Shizuru?" Startled, I glanced to the side, not seeing anyone until I lifted my head higher than eye level. There I found the woman I'd been looking for sitting atop a flat projection of roof, scarf wrapped tight, holding a beer. The picture was so unexpected that I found myself dumbstruck.

It took me a moment to find my voice. "May I ask what it is that Natsuki is doing on the roof?" I leaned forward, looking up at her, a smile already crossing my lips. Of course, she was sitting on top of the house, but was that safe really?

"Did Kanzaki invite the entire damn hospital?" She asked with a hyperbolic frown.

"If Natsuki wished to hide herself away for a moment, why not just go outside? Certainly, it would be safer than climbing out here." The surface on which she was perched was about four feet above me. I noticed a chair pushed up oddly against the side of the house that connected with the balcony, a pair of heels tucked beneath it.

"I needed some quiet." She said quickly.

I masked my disappointment with a dip of my head. "Kanin-na. Perhaps I should leave you in peace then."

"You're different. We keep finding each other." She corrected, turning one of her earrings. It was both painful and wonderful to hear her say such a thing. My throat tightened even though it did not mean what the hopelessly unwise part of me wished it to. That warmth, that strange calm that descended on me in her presence… they left me no choice but to consider Yohko's words might be the truth. As resistant as I was to such complications, I recognized how much of this was already out of my hands. It seemed the things I most wanted to control were the things in me that remained impossible to tame.

"It would be alright then if I stayed?"

She nodded woodenly and I fell into watching her. That dress she looked so beautiful in, was peeking from beneath her wool jacket, legs stretched in front of her, hair up elegantly. Natsuki appeared the very definition of feminine beauty, yet she was sitting on a roof in the falling snow with a beer sipped straight from the bottle. Always so many contradictions.

"Are you not cold?" I rested an elbow on the railing in front of me, placing my chin in my palm. She did have a delightful pair of tights on. Perhaps they were enough to warm her.

Green eyes stared out into the darkness. "I like the cold."

I did not think I had ever met anyone else who would say so. Then again I had never met anyone who was much like her in any respect. "Then you must be enjoying the snow."

She nodded rather happily...for her, taking a sip of her beer. There was something different in her expression, her voice and I wondered how many of those she had consumed. "All the coats are in the next room. Come up." It was said quietly, but there was no detectable slur in her speech. "If you want to." She added, staring at the roof tiles.

"Natsuki is inviting me to her private rooftop party?" I questioned.

"It's pretty exclusive." She could be quite funny when she was in the right mood.

I was nervous as I dug through the jackets to find mine, twisting my scarf around me and then buttoning up my coat. I lost myself in my thoughts for a few precious seconds as I adjusted the fabric around my neck, hand buried in the soft knit. 

This was most certainly not what I had in mind when I let myself think of this evening. It was entirely unusual, undeniably spontaneous, and what I should have come to expect from my interactions with her by now. Of all the times we'd seen one another, only our lunch had been a planned event. When I came back out, she was crouched down on the edge of the roof.

"Here." She extended her hand and I stretched my arm out. Her warm palm slid against mine and I hid the pounding of my heart behind a smile. More foolishness from my rebellious body. I was self-conscious at how little effort it took from her to make me feel like a woman much younger than I was. It was not a very steep slant, and any remaining concern I had dissipated when her hand closed around my own. "Be careful."

"Ookini."

She quite suddenly released my hand, as if it had just occurred to her she'd touched me in the first place. That precious blush took her face, standing out wonderfully against the black of her soft-looking scarf. As we sat on the curving tiles, I noticed that oddly enough, a blanket lay folded beside her. She pushed the afghan toward me. "Your dress is shorter."

I gave her a half-puzzled, half-amused glance. It was not that short, barely shorter than hers. "Does Natsuki think my outfit is distasteful?"

"Don't be weird. Just take it so you don't freeze to death." She moved the blanket toward me again and I took it, smiling at her and sparing her any further embarrassment by remaining silent.

 _Was I being weird?_ I had not intended to be. It seemed absurd, given the fact that she was camped out on a rooftop, that she could think _I_ was being strange. I flipped the fabric over my lap, covering my legs with it, and gazed down at them. This was truly turning out to be a peculiar night. Remembering my original intent in venturing outside, I extended my arm and let a single flake fall onto my outstretched fingers. I watched it dissolve into my skin, the tiniest prickle of cold registering on my nerves. It was a chilly evening, but not unbearably so and the air had a delightfully dry, crisp taste…like ice.

"Pretty." She commented, not looking my way.

"Very." I agreed, gazing at her. I knew that she was aware of my eyes only because of the returning pinkness. "I suppose it would be silly of me to ask if you were enjoying yourself tonight." She nearly scoffed and then turned her face, cast half in shadow, toward me. "Kanin-na, but are you alright?" I questioned quietly

"I don't do well with crowds." She seemed annoyed, more with herself than anything else, so again I said nothing in response, only smiled as gently as I could. She did not return it, was thinking on something. "This is more your kind of thing. You can just talk to anyone."

It did not feel like an attack, but rather a matter of fact observation, still I struggled to find my response. The ease she implied I felt in making conversation was nowhere to be found at the moment. It was my turn to stare into the distance; so she had been watching me at the party as well. "I suppose I simply enjoy small talk."

"Don't you ever just want them to shut up or get the hell away from you?"

Innumerable times, especially in the presence of those who indulged their own narcism through speech. "I am certain that everyone occasionally feels that way."

"But you don't tell them off, even if they're being idiots." She quirked her lips, wetting them and distracting me accidentally.

Politeness, decorum, pleasantries… they were ground into me as a child with such force as to make them permanent. It was not a choice anymore because I did not remember what it felt like to immediately say what I thought without being under some form of duress. "Natsuki is quite fond of that word."

"Ara ara, _Shizuru_ is avoiding the question, is she not?" The wording may have been there, but the accent was barely attempted.

"I am afraid your Kyoto-ben needs work, but I would gladly tutor you if you wish to improve it!" I commented with another smile, patting her cheek twice. She scowled at me and _she was simply too cute_.

"Idiot." The insult was laced with an opposing softness, spoken with a grin that was becoming, I was pleased to note, increasingly more common in our interactions.

"Perhaps Natsuki would be willing to lend me her favorite noun so that I could incorporate it into my everyday speech as well?"

"Pointless. You'd never use it." She responded. "You're too nice to everyone."

I smiled toward the dark, curving slopes of tile that made the rooftop. "Personal opinions about the merits of social gatherings aside, the truth is that how I am with others is just as much force of habit as anything, Natsuki. It is the way that I was raised." What an unusually honest sentiment for me to express... and so freely? Perhaps the novelty of this experience was getting to me somewhat.

She regarded me carefully and in a way that made the hairs on my arms rise. "It's just not something I can do."

I was not sure exactly what she meant. If she was referring to my politeness, or her perception of me as nice. "What's that?"

"Slap a smile on, no matter what." This was quite possibly the most I had ever heard her speak and with such openness as well. Merely tit for tat _,_ I wondered? "Even when the world's falling apart."

It was a fairly apt description of what I did, indeed what I was. _When the world's falling apart_. It made me wonder if there was not something troubling her. That combined with the rooftop perch. "It was something very much expected of me." I felt almost melancholy over the admission. "Why would you want to learn such a thing, I wonder?"

She opened her mouth as if she was going to speak, but then stopped and I watched her as I waited. Her eyes swung my way after another moment. "Might be easier than sitting on a roof all night."

I smiled at her, closing my eyes briefly. "Perhaps, but then we would have missed the lovely view." Pretending that everything was fine, I did it all the time, nearly subconsciously now, but it was not something I would encourage. She had done it just now to some degree with that simple jest. Her edge was part of her charm as far as I was concerned, and I missed it already. "I feel compelled to say that I find Natsuki congenial and pleasant to speak with already."

"You've got this warped perception of me that I can't seem to knock out of your head." The bottle was tipped at me as though the gesture punctuated her point.

I brushed a few snowflakes from my covered knee. "I do not believe that I see you any different than you are."

"You wouldn't." She said begrudgingly, before glancing at me again. "I don't think I see you any different than you are either, Shizuru."

Speaking of such things reminded me of my father's obsession with sleight of hand tricks. He'd shown me several illusions with coins. It was the only skill I'd ever practiced at his behest rather than my mother's. He had proudly claimed Viola hands were made for magic, the slender fingers that when pressed together had no space between them. They were ideal for disguising a hidden bit of something.

Most people were satisfied with a reflection of what they wished they felt...calmness, a smile that was convincingly happy. I realized that a desire for what it was they thought I possessed, the possibility that it truly existed at all...that peace, that confidence... it was what drew people to me. These types of reflections, perhaps the people like myself who made them, they were very much like magic tricks, beautiful on the surface, a little fantastical even, but somewhat disappointing in the reveal.

Though there was a large part of me that enjoyed being around others, there was also acting involved. If she wished to know the truth of being what many would call a 'social butterfly', I had only minimal aversion to explaining it. "You are familiar with magic tricks?"

"You've got a pack of cards tucked up in your dress or something?" I smiled and watched her curiously. What a strange thing to say.

"Does Natsuki routinely store items in hers?"

"Not in my dresses." She glanced at me, with what appeared to be a momentary twinkle in her eye. Then an unopened bottle of beer was pulled from somewhere inside her jacket. My eyes widened. I was further befuddled when she somehow used her car keys to open it. "Here."

"Ookini." Still somewhat off-balance, I took the cool bottle, not having the heart to tell her I would not enjoy it. The label indicated it was something called a Saison. I had no idea what that would taste like but from the smell, I was not anticipating that I would like it. I had long ago accepted that I was a person who did not enjoy well-made beer. "I wonder what else Natsuki has hidden in there?"

She scowled slightly. "That's as exciting as this is gonna get." Truly a shame and I was suddenly entertaining largely unproductive thoughts about checking to see what else was beneath her dress and jacket for myself.

 _Had she noticed the slight color I could feel on my face and neck?_ I took a rather long sip of the bitter liquid held in my hands, trying not to show my displeasure at the intense taste, silently apologizing to it for my inability to appreciate its finer points.

"So where is this whole magic thing going?"

"There is a parallel to be drawn from our prior conversation, I believe."

"What the hell does magic have to do with you getting along with everyone? People like you Shizuru." _Such a foul mouth._

I gave her a sad look. "Am I not likable?"

"Don't twist my words." She grimaced at me before her eyes danced a bit again. "I can put my foot in my mouth all by myself."

She had such an oddly self-deprecating sense of humor. I gave her a small grin, distracted by the glow of pale skin against the night sky. "Barring being a naturally likable person, it is the art of misdirection. It can be done by showing others only what you wish them to see; what they want to see." I gave her a smile to convince her of my cheer, but my answer appeared unsettling to her.

I placed the beer on the roof. Reaching into my pocket, I removed a 100 yen coin from the few floating inside. She was watching curiously as I held it between my thumb and fingers, passing my other hand over it, pretending to grab it as it fell to my palm unseen. I lifted my empty fist and her gaze followed it. The trick had worked. I rolled my fingers out for a flash of drama in the vanish. A simple French drop; given the tone of the night and conversation, it seemed an appropriate thing to do even if it touched my sadness over my father.

She stared at my hands for a moment before a scoff of a laugh escaped her. "Are you saying it's all lie?"

"Not all no, but much is a ruse." I reached up with the original hand and made as though I'd pulled it from behind her ear, attempting to ignore how incredibly soft her hair was. The trick seemed to irritate her much more than it amused her...so adorable. She snatched the coin from me and inspected it thoroughly. Perhaps she suspected it was a fake, but it was nothing more than an ordinary coin. "In truth, you are probably nicer than I am."

"No." She looked at me as though I'd said something totally insane. "How'd you do that?"

"Misdirection Natsuki." My happy grin, the light tap to her nose fueled her frustration and I folded my chilled hands over my lap. The coin trick probably should be shown to Alyssa. She would enjoy it I thought. I refocused on our conversation. "Have you not given me two gifts? It is two more than I have given you." I lifted the beer, smiling. "Three now. I tease you quite a bit as well, do I not?"

"Everyone harasses me." She argued, brow wrinkling in thought as she handed me back the coin. It was quite a face, but I was certain the attraction had much more to do with her reactivity. Perhaps the teasing was not mean-spirited, but I did take an almost perverse enjoyment in her blush. She glanced back over at me, a small frown on her lips. "And the gifts I gave you were stupid little things."

"They were thoughtful."

"It was a plum, some tea, and a stolen beer."

I smiled at her with an eighth of the gentleness I felt. "Natsuki does not take a compliment well." I watched as she tucked herself deeper into the folds of her scarf and jacket. "May I ask?" Her eyes flicked in my direction. "Is your world truly falling apart or was that simply a turn of phrase?"

Her surprised reaction was difficult to unpackage as she tried to come up with an answer. I could not read the emotions beneath "I don't know." That question may have been too personal, but I could not help myself. She had piqued my curiosity. The rest of her beer was drained in the fight to regain her composure. "It's better than it was, I guess." The statement worried me. Was it better because of the gentleman that had so suddenly appeared? It would be selfish of me to wish it was not the case, but I was a selfish creature.

"Then I am happy there is an improvement." I kept my tone neutral.

"Shizuru, I'm gonna ask you a weird question." She was seeking my permission, it was clear despite the phrasing of it as a statement.

I smiled at her again, amused and interested. "Alright."

"Do you know anyone who's really in love?" That was not a question I could have anticipated and I found myself shocked by it. Such a topic was not one I could have ever imagined her willingly offering up for discussion. "I don't. I've never met anyone who is just crazy about someone else." She paused and I thought of Chie and Aoi. They were perhaps the only people I'd ever met who made me think that sort of love was possible. "Maybe people just want to believe it's possible when it isn't." Tipsy Natsuki was both extraordinarily candid and rather philosophical in her thinking.

I consciously rearranged my face, kept my expression deliberately soft. "You've never felt that way yourself?" I realized its intrusiveness only after I'd spoken it, hoping she would not call attention to the fact I'd not offered any opinion on the subject.

She sighed, shaking her head. "I think I just called it that. I don't know, maybe there are people who don't fall in love."

The breath I released tasted sour from the alcohol as I struggled to keep my face expressionless. I was concerned my eyes would betray me. "You believe yourself incapable of falling in love?" I thought that in my case, there are people who do and should not.

"Stupid, right?" She said as she covered her mouth with her hand and I could not read her feelings. I felt slightly nauseous. Somehow that was worse than if it had been about that gentleman. It was for the best, it would mean there was no chance of anything happening, it would mean this would always be a friendship as was the intention, so why did it bother me? I was at a loss for what to say. "Or maybe I'm wrong about what love is supposed to feel like." Another moment to collect her thoughts. "This guy, Shizuru...I was with him for six years and I screwed everything up." The admission dragged me back to earth.

"Is it so beyond repair?" The words were glass in my mouth, sharp and fragile and impossible to swallow back down.

She clenched her eyes shut for a moment. "He's a good guy. He's smart and handsome and he loved me." A blush accompanied the thoughts that tumbled out and I attempted to tamp down the strangeness I felt hearing her say these things. She paused and I smiled, small and shallow at the tiled roof. This was a friendship. This was what was supposed to be between us. My jealousy, controllable as it was, had no place in our interaction. "He asked me to marry him...twice. I said 'no' twice. It wasn't like I even had to really think about it. I knew I'd say 'no' before he asked the first time." She paused and I did not know how to react to such a revelation. Something in her suddenly expressive eyes told me that saying nothing was probably best anyway. Silently I listened, trying to distance myself, to move half as far away from her emotionally, as she was from me. "I don't miss the stuff I should miss, his face or his voice. I don't miss him like you're supposed to miss a person you love. I miss the stupidest things, the way he hunched over when we played video games or just watching TV. Stuff we did when we were teenagers...when we were friends." She glanced over at me briefly, our eyes meeting, such obvious loneliness in hers. "I worry more about how my dog is taking it, then how I am. That's just wrong."

The burst of relief that flooded me, because it did not sound like romantic love, like lingering feelings, came with a fair amount of guilt. There was empathy there as well because I understood completely what she meant about feeling things, common emotions, in a way that felt incorrect, most especially when compared with others or norms. Her head fell and she pulled most of her hands up into her sleeves, wrapping delicate looking fingers around the cuffs of her jacket.

"He was my best friend before all of this, and I can't even miss him right. What the hell kind of person does that make me?"

I considered my response. "I am not certain that there is a 'right' way to miss someone. Is it not enough that you _do_ miss him?" What I wanted to say was that the way we feel things is impossible to control, nearly impossible to change. It was too depressing a thought though.

"I knew for a while that it wasn't working. I thought maybe if I waited that something would 'click'." She added quietly, her fingers flicking out to emphasize the last word. "We were pretty much a family, him and me and our friends and then I dropped a damn bomb in the middle of it. Now it's awkward when it shouldn't be, and it's my fault."

"Surely your friends would not blame you for that." So much trust for no reason I could determine, so much like her sister…with a bit more time invested. I wanted so badly to be worthy of it.

"They don't, but it doesn't change anything." She released an aggravated sigh. "And the girl he's marrying…she's not right for him. I can't be the one to tell him that, even though I should be. That was what he wanted that night in the lobby, that was him. We haven't talked since it ended and he came to tell me he was getting married." She swallowed hard. "I keep thinking about it, I can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking that I messed him up enough that he's gonna marry someone just because she wants him to. He deserves so much better than that. He's too damn noble." She pronounced, a bit of anger coloring her words, and then her low voice dropped to a whisper. "When he told me, I couldn't think of a single thing to say. I just stared at him like an idiot, Shizuru. I don't know if it's what he wants because I couldn't do that right either. I couldn't just be happy for him, I couldn't even try...I'm so damn selfish."

"Selfish is not a word I would apply to you," I said in all honesty. We were nothing alike in that sense.

"Because you don't know me well enough."

"Because you are not." I corrected, wishing that I could take her into my arms, smother that terrible guilt in her voice with a kiss, but what I wanted was too laced with my own desires. My comfort was not pure and it made me feel ashamed. Nonetheless, my hand had somehow moved to rub lightly, briefly at her wool-covered forearm. "From what you've said, you did nothing intentionally. It sounds like a difficult situation and it is sweet of you to be so concerned for your friends, and for him but…" I turned to watch her. "I do hope you're taking care of yourself as well Natsuki."

There was a beat of silence while she stared at me, eyes serious and wide. "All a lie my ass, you can't help yourself." She mumbled before turning her gaze outward into the darkness. I suppose that was partially true, at least with her, but not for the reason she thought. "You're definitely too nice Shizuru. You've probably never hurt anyone in your life."

"It would seem Natsuki has a warped perception of me as well. I have most definitely hurt people." I found myself taking another long sip from the bottle, although with both of us held up on Reito's roof it was probably more sensible to abstain. What I'd just uttered was more than I had wanted to say.

Her head rolled on her knee, green eyes locking on mine. "I can't picture that."

I considered what she would think of me if she knew all there was to know, if she knew that I had destroyed someone once with such devastating thoroughness. Even though I was not pleased with the taste it left on my tongue, I attempted to swallow more of the beer down. "To answer your previous question. I believe I have met people who I would say are in love."

She looked my way skeptically. "Yeah?"

"One couple."

"One's better than none. Do you hate them?"

I laughed softly. "Jealous perhaps, but it is impossible to hate them if you know them. They are far too adorable."

I observed her as she stared out into the darkness again. "I'm gonna ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth. No misdirection." I only glanced at her curiously, attempting to hide how nervous the statement made me. Her eyes were searching before she smiled and raised an eyebrow at me. "You don't like beer, do you?"

A soft giggle tumbled out. "It is that obvious?"

"You look like a little kid drinking coffee." She took the bottle from my hands and brought it to her lips, right over where mine had been. _Such a silly thought._

"It would be too much to hope you have a bottle of wine or a touch of sake in your jacket?"

She let out a puff of air, covering her mouth with her sleeve, knuckles peeking out, hiding the smirk I could see the corner of. "I keep those in my other coat."

"Natsuki…" I waited until I was sure that I had her full attention. "I would argue the mere fact that all of this affects you so strongly is evidence you are a good person." A better one than I could hope to be. "You would not care this much if you were truly selfish."

She paused for a moment, worrying her lip with her teeth absently. A heavy sigh lifted and dropped her shoulders. The next moments she spent simply looking in my direction with an intensity that made me want to turn away… it was as though she were picking me apart with shards of emerald. "It's weird how comfortable I feel talking to you." She said after what felt like quite a long time.

That was unexpected and I found myself deliberately avoiding her gaze, afraid of what my own would show. "Why do you find that 'weird'?" She seemed to enjoy that word as well. It was likely only a matter of time before I managed to do something that would force her to use both of her favorite words in one sentence.

"I don't feel that way with anyone." I stole a quick look at her. Those dark brows knit into an expression of anxiety as she took another sip. "Ever."

 _This woman._ So painfully honest and yet I seldom had a clear idea of what exactly she intended with her words and actions. "Perhaps it is because you've only known me for a short while. You are not so concerned about what I might think."

"It doesn't feel like that. It feels like we met already, like I know your eyes." She seemed to surprise herself, especially with that last bit, and then quite suddenly her face erupted into a deep blush. She certainly had surprised me, and I was too stunned to say anything. "What the hell am I talking about? Sorry." She placed her bottle down on the roof, pushing it away. I smiled to myself and then at her.

"There is no reason to be. I don't mind listening and it would bother me if you felt uncomfortable around me. I am glad for it." I attempted to bite back the feelings bouncing excitedly in my chest. She was right. I was an idiot, maybe even a weird idiot.

"Shizuru," She stared at me in a manner I did not understand.

"Yes, Natsuki?" Her body angled toward me and I turned on instinct, bracing myself with an arm. There was absolutely no chance she meant to kiss me, but I could not comprehend any other intention behind the very particular movement of her body.

Startling green eyes dropped onto the tiles. Mine followed and I noticed the paleness of her hands, the slight bluish color of her nails. "The beer was cold." She flexed her fingers.

Gripping the inside of my lip with my teeth, I slowly took her hands in mine, rubbed quickly over the backside of them with my palms. Our faces had not been this close since the elevator. I hoped she did not have the slightest inkling of what this was doing to me.

Her hands still trapped in mine, I brought them closer to me and blew air onto them. My lip brushed the side of her palm where it met her pinky, my hands sliding over her fingers as she watched their movements intensely. My chest was tight, my lips aching to taste hers. I usually would have stolen a kiss regardless, but I did not think she wanted that and so I kept it to myself. I had to because I could not destroy this. She lifted her wide eyes, looking into mine for a moment.

"Better?" I barely trusted my own voice as I released her. I could not bring myself to believe such a person was incapable of love, even if it would behoove me to try and accept her words.

Her nod was quick, head turned to the side. "We should go in." She kept a hand around mine as we made our way off the roof. As we neared the edge, a strange sound caught my attention and a startled yelp sounded. "Mai?!"

"Natsuki?!" The three of them exchanged looks of confusion. Over her shoulder, I saw the form of the lovely shopkeeper suspiciously close to the host of the party, both standing on the balcony beneath us. Her hand on his chest, his on her waist strongly suggested we'd interrupted a private moment. "What the heck are you doing on the roof?... with Shizuru-san?!" The woman in front of me was frozen in place, effectively trapping me behind her. I was sure we looked quite suspicious atop the roof, with a blanket on my arm and two empty bottles in her hand. If I was not so certain it would mortify her, I would have laughed.

Instead, I waved, enjoying the absurdity of this night. "Good evening Mai-han! Reito."

"Natsuki, jeez, get down before one of you falls!" The redhead placed hands on her hips. I was pleasantly surprised when Natsuki offered me her hand as I climbed down, especially in front of present company. "And it's snowing too!" It was almost a lecture.

"Shizuru, I must admit I wondered where you'd gotten to, but I would not have thought to check the roof." He smiled up at me.

"Kanin-na. I was simply enjoying the snow." His eyes were positively swimming with mischief, but I silently thanked him for containing himself. "A foolish indulgence of childhood nostalgia. Natsuki merely came out to help me back inside."

Her eyes flicked toward me, but I ignored them. I could see the skepticism in the shopkeeper's gaze as Natsuki slipped her shoes back on. It was not my most believable lie and Mai-han was clearly not as practiced as Reito at disguising her doubt.

My friend, however, sensed the meaning behind my statement immediately and did not pry. "Ah. Unfortunately, I must ask you not to venture out again Shizuru. It is far too dangerous and I'm rather fond of you. In addition, such a skilled fellow is a rarity. I trust in the future, you'll be more careful with her? I would prefer not to have to explain how two of Fuuka's most valuable employees snapped their respective necks under my watch."

"It _would_ be unforgivable of me to sully the reputation of Reito's Christmas celebration with such preventable tragedy." I smiled at him. "Once again, kanin-na."

Mai-han and Natsuki stared at the both of us as though we were speaking a foreign language, exchanging confused glances. Perhaps we did have a somewhat unusual sense of humor.

"Mai, are you and him..." My eyes widened a bit as I realized that the woman beside me had not a clue that Reito and her friend even knew each other. I noted that Natsuki did not seem to enjoy surprises in the least.

A bashful, rather charming smile took over the redheaded woman's face. "I told you I was seeing someone, Natsuki! Well, this is him." The smile became nervous, as one hand slipped into her hair, the other into my good friend's. They did make a handsome couple. "You guys already know each other, so no introductions necessary, ne?" She grinned hopefully at Natsuki who seemed entirely lost and quite agitated again.

"A pleasure Kuga-san, even more so the second time around." He smiled at her and those beautiful lips twitched.

The iciest glare I had ever witnessed was subsequently directed at the two of them. A stiff nod was cast toward him as Mai-han released a full-bellied laugh even through the embarrassed half-smile that had not left her face since we entered.

She threw her arms around the glowering woman so casually, drawing her into a hug. I envied their familiarity. "Mou Natsuki, such a cold look! Come on."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me." She grumbled.

"Look at you in that dress!" The redhead answered pulling back, ignoring the accusation completely. She eyed her friend appraisingly. Indeed, it was a rather nice sight, much like her own dress. "Wow, you look so beautiful!" It seemed I was not the only one who thought so. I could see the tips of her ears flash an angry pink and I smiled. "Oh, I'm borrowing those shoes."

I walked toward Reito and we followed behind the pair as they descended the stairs.

"I suspected it would go well between you two," I spoke quietly.

"And you?" He asked. "Are congratulations of some kind in order?"

I smiled brightly. "A belated Merry Christmas would suffice."

A gentle squeeze to my hand and a warm smile that contradicted the worry in his eyes came. "Then Merry Christmas Shizuru."

**Digression #15: Munakata Shiho**   
**Date: December 29, 2013 … a Sunday**

Munakata Shiho hated both middle school and high school. They were the worst years of her life as far as she could remember. She'd been pushed around and teased, made fun of by Nao and her posse of loser degenerates, those stoner idiots that called themselves the stripes gang… laughed at and belittled her when they all used to be friends.

The situation with Yuuichi hadn't helped anything either. Yuuichi...she'd loved him since she was six years old, had drawn hearts with their initials in the sand of the playground their parents took them to. He'd always kicked them away, every heart she'd ever tried to show him he'd kicked away, embarrassed and red to the ears. He always saw her as a kid, never saw her in the way she desperately needed him to, he wouldn't, and then Kuga Natsuki. Suddenly he was too busy with his new best friend, too busy to notice she was growing up, too busy to notice she was in love with him, too busy to notice her dying a little watching him date Mai and then crumbling when she saw him fall hard for his beautiful best friend who was such a god-awful bitch to her. She'd spent so many nights thinking about him, picking fortunes at her grandfather's shrine always with the same question in her mind, how to make him hers, how to vanish Natsuki from existence.

She'd even, in her desperation, tried to curse the girl, tried to curse him and Natsuki's friendship. Nao and her boys had come across her in the woods at school, drawing spirals in the earth, chanting. That stupid girl had never left it alone after that…Spiral. So many people in their class didn't even know her real name because of Nao. She'd never told Yuuichi about any of it, not when it happened, and not when they met up with the girl at that bar. The point was that he should have noticed. She should never have had to say anything in the first place.

The universe took its time providing an answer to her prayers, so long that she'd almost given up hope. Last year at a family party it finally did. A drunken Yuuichi, newly single, devastatingly broken-hearted, and in desperate need of her loving attention fell into her lap like a wrapped present from above. It didn't surprise her that Natsuki had destroyed him. What surprised her was that he didn't hate her for it. That had worried her from the start, made her jealous while she tried to nurse him back to himself. He clung to her so tightly at the beginning, and she fed him spoonful after spoonful of love, of desire, of acceptance. She let herself believe it was because he finally realized he'd loved her all along. Really it didn't matter, what mattered was that he was hers now, and she intended to keep it that way. It made her feel wanted, more wanted than any of the other boys she dated, so many of whom she'd clung to and then been betrayed by. She learned from her mistakes though, kept a very close eye on him, controlled him better than she had those others. She was going to marry Tate Yuuichi, they were going to have children, and they were going to be happy. He needed to understand this wasn't free anymore. This was a trade. She would love him and in return, he would never think about or talk to Kuga Natsuki again. That was how this would work. She believed it to be an unspoken pact between them.

She let him know the rules…subtly, guilt at each misstep to steer him, tears when necessary. Methods weren't important, results were important. His apologies were what mattered, his recognizing that he had so much making up to do, that she had so much slack because of what had been done. She wasn't a girl who could be pushed around anymore, this wasn't middle school and she would get what she wanted one way or another. He would fall in line because she deserved this for what had happened to her. Shiho deserved to be treated like a princess for once and not a nuisance, she deserved to be loved by Yuuichi. He owed it to her for picking him back up even after he ignored her. She wouldn't let him forget that, wouldn't let him forget any of it.

Last night though there was a crack in the world, a quake that shook her completely. She had stopped doing her weekly check through his phone and e-mails three months ago, but she had a strange feeling, saw a crow outside their window. Shiho believed in omens. When she looked, there it was… a text… and to her. Apparently, they'd met each other at the hospital she worked at. Shiho planned to take care of the problem tonight, planned to take her time in revealing that she knew of his betrayal, planned to beat him over the head with it once she did. Maybe if he begged, if he pleaded, if he would promise aloud this time, no implications if he would swear never to see that woman again, she would consider forgiving.

"This wedding stuff is nuts!" He mumbled, rubbing his eyes and staring at the colors again. They'd been at this for hours, and he'd reached the point where he wasn't even trying.

"How do you think I feel? My fiancé won't even help me choose a color for a once in a lifetime event. Stop drinking, it's every night now."

Yuuichi gave her that charming smile he did when he was trying to calm her down, placing a beer on her coffee table without using a coaster like she'd reminded him to ten billion times already. "Shiho just relax about it a little." She absolutely hated when he told her to 'relax'.

"Relax?"

"Everything's gonna be beautiful." She couldn't even listen to his pitiful attempt at smoothing this over. His previous words were still swimming in her head. Be more laid back, _relax_. Be more like Natsuki was clearly what he meant. She wasn't Natsuki, Natsuki had left him on the sidewalk with a ring in his hand. Maybe he needed to remember that.

"What, like Natsuki would?"

The impact landed. "What's up with you tonight?" He placed a hand on her leg and she drew it away.

"I'm not her Yuuichi. This stuff matters to me and if I mattered to you, you would be helping me instead of drinking yourself to sleep like your father does."

The comment had its intended effect, a wounding that cut his defensiveness further. It was there, stirring in his brown eyes, affection for her, remorse. "I'm trying to help you."

She wouldn't make it that easy for him, broke out another dig she knew would draw a reaction. "No. You're being useless."

"Do it yourself then." He'd given up much easier than she had hoped.

"I have been doing it myself, that's the problem Yuuichi!" Shiho wanted him to say it, wanted him to ask for her forgiveness, reassure her of his devotion before she shattered him by telling him she knew.

"I'm gonna get some air." That was not what he was supposed to say.

Panicked, she played on his guilt. "Don't walk away from me. You promised me it would be different this time! After everything you put me through in high school, you're gonna do it all again. Go then, call her."

"I wasn't gonna call her, damn it!"

She didn't like the tone he was taking, that needed adjustment. "Don't swear at me." Memories of being alone, of watching him eat lunch with Natsuki while she sat by herself, bringing them back was enough for a few tears.

"Shiho, come on, don't cry. I'm sorry, but Natsuki and I don't talk."

Now she was angry. He was going to pretend like nothing had happened, that he wasn't putting her through this all over again. "You're such a liar."

"What?"

"I saw the texts." What could he say in response to such damning evidence?

There was a look she hadn't expected, a look that she received many times before from others, wary disbelief. "You checked my phone?"

Shiho was committed already, she'd done her reveal and she threw herself into her side of the argument. "I know you met her at the hospital. How long has it been going on Yuuichi?"

He was quiet and she hoped it was him stewing in her victory, in her catching him both in the act and in a lie. "I met her once to tell her I was getting married."

She rolled her eyes. What kind of idiot did he think she was? "Don't lie to me."

"It's not a lie." Arms crossed and his eyes were hardening. What did he have to be angry about, she wondered? He wasn't the one being cheated on. He was annoying tonight, not doing what he should be doing at all. "I wanted her to hear it from me." _Wasn't that thoughtful?_

There was a way to know once and for all. "Then call her."

His eyebrows shot up. "Right now?"

"I wanna hear her say that's what happened." She added. _Checkmate_. She knew he'd refuse. It would expose his flimsy fabrication.

"I'm not doing that." Of course not.

"Call her." She insisted.

"And ask her what Shiho? We don't talk and the only time I did was to tell her about you. I'm not gonna bother her with this." Oh, so that was it? Salvaging their relationship was not enough of a reason to _bother_ Kuga Natsuki? Putting her mind at ease wasn't worth a little discomfort for his precious ex? If that wasn't evidence in itself. He was breaking the rules. She was sweet and loving with him, but it was conditional… no Kuga. She thought he understood that, thought it was clear.

"She matters to you that much? What about me Yuuichi? What about how I feel?" She grabbed his iPhone from the table, a tear dripping on it.

He was furious now. Probably the alcohol, he was turning into such a drunk. "This has nothing to do with her. Give me my phone."

"It does if you're sleeping with her! What's Nao? Your little go-between?" She knew there was something fishy about the fact he still hung around with that woman.

"Shiho, just stop. You're being crazy. Give me the phone." She was being 'crazy'? Crazy? How dare he use that word to her after everything that had happened. He had no right.

"I'm being crazy?"

"Give me my phone." There wasn't a chance in hell she was going to give him the phone now. She was going to call Natsuki and get to the bottom of this mess. Leave him embarrassed and groveling at her feet, that was what she was going to do!

"Sorry if the fact that my fiancé is sleeping with his ex upsets me!"

There was no guilt from him this time, only more anger. It was changing his face, making him ugly. "I'm not sleeping with her! God damn."

"Yuuichi I love you, I do, but if you want this to work you need to stop lying. I'm calling her, maybe she'll tell me the truth." She flipped through the security screen, the code had been easy enough, his mother's birthday. He was such a mama's boy.

"SHIHO JESUS!" He stepped up, snatching the device from her hands and she stared at him, shocked as she stumbled back from the force of it.

Her fingers ached from the item being wrenched free. "Ow! You hurt me. You're drunk Yuuichi! Do you even realize you're turning into your father?"

He stared at her, slipping his phone into his pocket, fighting his own guilt, fighting the hurt that her bringing his alcoholic father into this again caused. Good, he deserved a little humbling. "…fuck this." Or not.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" She asked, tears sliding down her cheeks.

"Out." He responded. It sounded so final.

Why was he doing this? Why was he walking away? He was doing everything wrong… he was supposed to be the one falling apart, not her. She didn't deserve this… he deserved this. Something in her snapped. "HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME, AFTER ALL YOU PUT ME THROUGH? ALL I'VE EVER DONE IS LOVE YOU AND YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART AGAIN. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT? DON'T YOU THINK I DESERVE BETTER THAN A DRUNK WITH A THING FOR AN EX WHO REFUSED TO MARRY HIM? NOT JUST ONCE BUT TWICE? I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT WAS THERE FOR YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME?" His teeth clenched, she could see her words, her tears working on him, but he moved in the opposite direction he was supposed to yet again. "FINE! GO THEN!" His shoulders tightened and she felt her fury boiling. "WHEN SHE LEAVES YOU, DON'T THINK I'LL BE THERE THIS TIME YUUICHI. IF YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR, DON'T COME BACK. I TOOK CARE OF YOU, I LOVED YOU AND YOU'RE RUINING THIS ON PURPOSE!"

"SHIHO!" His fists were tight and the way he'd yelled her name, so loud, loud enough to frighten her… as though _she'd_ done something terrible, angry, and justified when he was not entitled to anything even close to that. She hated him so much at that moment, hated him as much as she loved him. He was kicking her heart away again and he didn't even care. Every bit of rage collected in her and before she could stop herself, she grabbed the wooden flute her father had given her from the shelf. Shiho threw it at him as hard as she could. He lifted his head just in time for it to hit him squarely in the face, splitting his eyebrow. She felt vindicated as the first drop of blood fell down his face, as he dabbed at it in disbelief. Shiho wouldn't allow herself to feel sorry over it. He should be apologizing right now, he should have been sorry, they were supposed to be getting married and he was not supposed to be talking to Kuga fucking Natsuki. A look she'd never seen before crossed his face, pure anger, lip twitching. He looked insane with that stream of blood dripping, pooling, hitting his shirt and she was afraid as he moved.

She closed her eyes as he raised his hand, terrified and then that deafening sound, waited for pain but there was none, instead, there was a hole in the wall beside her front door. Yuuichi was holding his hand, blood on his lips staining his teeth, blood on his knuckles hitting her new carpet, eyes wide and blank. He almost hit her? He'd thought of it, she saw it in his eyes, he'd wanted to. He'd lost it completely. She shoved him as hard as she could, slapped his bleeding face, and pounded his chest, shoving him while he stared at her with those empty, shell-shocked eyes, grabbed her hands to stop her.

"GET OUT!" She screamed it at him and he let her go instantly, walked out the door. It was not supposed to be like this. Shiho was supposed to get her happy ending, he was supposed to keep up his end of the bargain. Maybe he'd been the problem all along.

**Aside #15: The ICU** _(Thought)_

Takeda wheeled the tank of a machine into the ICU and allowed the mechanical propulsion to do most of the work as it pushed over toward the corner room. As he readied the portable unit, he shot a glance at the patient in the bed. He hated doing portable x-rays on the 5th floor. Takeda hated it with every piece of his being because the 5th floor was where they sent people to die, unspoken as that knowledge was. The woman in the bed was wasting, looked worse by comparison when seen against the thick hospital mattress. A respirator was hooked to the endotracheal tube that protruded from her mouth, tape holding it in place. The port-a-cath strongly suggested cancer and was like a growth straining against the papery skin. She was a skeleton kept alive by the miracle of modern medicine. A testament to how long a loved one could be kept close. He held the x-ray imaging plate in his hand, preparing himself to lift her, to slip a steel-hard board beneath her fragile body and add another piece of radiographic evidence to the ever-mounting case against her continued survival. This would be the third image he'd taken of the woman in the past two months. The same set of rosary beads had been resting on the table beside her bed for most of that time.

Solemnly, he and the nurse slipped the canvas pulls beneath her onto the wall-mounted lift and raised her tiny body in the air. They spoke to the woman all the while as if she could hear them as if she understood the sudden weightlessness, the movement. Eying the positioning quickly, he slipped the x-ray plate under her elevated form and they lowered her back down. Reflexively, a spasm came as the hardness pressed against sharp points of bone in her back. He held in a wince and hurried with his work, positioning the machine, waiting for a weak rise of her chest before exposing the image. The digital circuitry in the x-ray plate bounced an electronic signal to the monitor on his machine and he spared a glance… both lungs, a heart…done. He nodded crisply to the nurse and the patient was settled in another minute. The nurse stepped out, back to her laptop computer on its rolling stand, her words to someone in the hall too low for him to make out as he cleaned his equipment. Before leaving, he looked to the woman one last time, discomforted by the state of her blanket. It must have fallen down when they raised her. He walked over and gently as he could, pulled it up above her shoulders, smoothing it…there, better. As he turned, his eyes fell on a familiar pair watching him with a completely unreadable look from the doorway. The name of the patient suddenly floated back to him. The thought had crossed his mind briefly before, but it was not an uncommon surname.

"Nao-san." He nodded gravely, embarrassed at the unexpected meeting. Clicking the tube head into place, he backed the machine up, wishing it would move faster.

"Masashi." His head shot up, gaze meeting hers and they stared at one another. The woman had used him for sex and he wasn't sure whether or not that pissed him off. He was pretty certain it didn't, but it definitely pissed him off that she'd left him at the mercy of some desperate old crone in nothing but his underwear with a bleeding scratch mark on his chest. He said nothing, sure that were he to talk, he'd say something stupid. They walked past each other, neither looking back, but both considering it.


	16. Hiding Spots, Arika, and Like Shopping

**Narrative #16: Hiding Spots**   
**Date: January 3** **rd** **, 2014 … a Friday**

I was sitting in one of the abandoned conference rooms, pouring through a few articles for the lecture I would be giving in three days, writing notes along the side of them as my eyes scanned across the page. I would need to stop fairly soon. The words were beginning to acquire a slight fur around their edges.

"Hey."

The voice was one I immediately recognized. "Good afternoon." I let myself calm down, allowing only a small smile instead of the childishly excited one that I could feel attempting to break free. I almost straightened my clothes but caught myself when I realized I was wearing scrubs. "How is your day going?"

"You're busy." She said, tugging at her ear. "I don't wanna interrupt your work."

I smiled. "Natsuki is always a welcome interruption." She raised her brow at me, her eyes clearly conveying that she thought I was teasing her. "…I am surprised you stumbled upon me here."

She shrugged. "I told you, we find each other." How was it I could find her so impossibly adorable?

"It would seem so." Giving in, I smiled widely at her, my fingers traveling up to tuck a bit of hair behind my ear that had fallen from my ponytail. Apparently, I needed to do something to reassure myself that I was indeed presentable… _absurd really_.

She laid her scarf and satchel on the edge of the table, fishing through it for something. Taking two items from the bag, she slid herself onto the surface of the table I was working at. I had to lift my head to prevent my eyes from being level with her chest. Where she sat, her thigh was only a foot or so away from my fingertips. _Natsuki… is it really necessary to position yourself so temptingly close?_ The image of my body upright between her legs, nipping at the bits of her ear that were not pierced paraded itself distractingly behind my eyes and I gripped my pen tighter. She was done for the day…or her perfectly fitted jeans, a rather soft-looking t-shirt, and familiar indigo military jacket would seem to suggest so.

"Alyssa said to give you this." She handed me an mp3 player and I stared at it curiously. The girl and I had spoken as usual on Tuesday, but we talked of nothing that would explain the device. "And this." A folded note was passed to me. She sighed, looking mildly annoyed. "Tell her I didn't read it. She's gonna ask."

It did look untouched. Taking both items, I placed them on the table. "I will let Alyssa know her sister was a faithful messenger."

She glared lightly. "What is it?"

"Hmm…" I pretended to study both objects intently. "I cannot be certain, but it does appear to be a folded sheet of paper and an mp3 player."

She shook her head and gripped the tabletop. "Idiot."

"Natsuki found me just to share her most favorite word? How flattering."

That tongue was pushing against her cheek…and quite suddenly the idea of pinning her to the table popped into my mind. I blinked it back, annoyed with my poorly mannered imagination. "I wanted to say thanks and sorry."

Fixing my gaze on her face, I found it challenging not to linger on her lips. This was becoming worse by the day. "Ara, ara…how is it that I am deserving of both?"

She frowned and crossed her legs. "The roof."

I felt the edges of my mouth rise higher. "Natsuki is welcome to invite me to her private rooftop parties again whenever she wishes. As I have told her before, I enjoy our conversations and the location was rather scenic."

She heaved a sigh, curling her back protectively. "Well sorry anyway."

"And the thank you?" I inquired.

She gave a small grin. "Same thing."

I smiled gently. "Natsuki's unnecessary apology is accepted and she is quite welcome."

"Shizuru…" She paused after saying my name, as seemed to be her habit.

"Hmm?"

"I still owe you a meal." I waited expectantly, but she added nothing further, just watched me with those gorgeous eyes as though waiting for a response.

Was this in my hands now then? "I will not be off until 8:00 tonight." Before I could suggest another time, she spoke.

"I'll pick you up here." My disobedient heart began jumping around like an excited animal in my chest, but I was able to contain my reaction externally. "If that works. If you want to. I'm asking you." She turned a bit pink, scowling as she realized she was rambling…

"I'd like that," I said, keeping my smile while I squared the papers I had been reviewing, folding my hands over them.

The frown dissolved into a tiny upward curl of her lips. "No 'date' joke? I kinda expected one."

I feigned hurt… but there was a growing part of me that wished to ask this question seriously, even though I was aware of the answer. "Our date is a joke to Natsuki? _Ikezu_ "

She rolled her eyes, hopping off the table. "Damn it. I don't know why I even open my mouth." I touched her arm.

"I'm glad that you do."

She was turning one of her earrings, staring straight at me with oddly searching eyes, looking almost lost. I could not for the life of guess at what she was considering, but it set my skin alight. Then suddenly, she seemed to return to herself, straightened her posture, attempting to regain her usual cool demeanor with an obviousness that was beyond charming. "See you."

"I will look forward to it." She waved stiffly as she retreated from the room. My eyes fell back to the papers in front of me, but my attention had followed her out the door. What in the world was becoming of me? She turned me into such a ridiculous person. I ran fingers through my hair, not even attempting to control the smile on my lips.

"I take it Kuga-san found you." I glanced up to see my friend standing in the doorframe with two cups of tea.

"I should assume then, it was Reito who told her where to find me?"

He smiled, placing one in front of me. "I would not give away your hiding spots Shizuru, even to someone I'm sure you wouldn't mind being discovered by. I believe one of your residents has taken it upon herself to steer a certain fellow in your direction. I'm sure you can guess who." Arika-han no doubt, it was possible she had roped Erstin-han into it as well.

"I'm certain I can." They really should not be doing that, but nonetheless, it was sweet. I did hope it was not because I was overt enough in my interest that they'd noticed, that it was only because we spent time together and Natsuki barely associated with anyone else socially. I also hoped there were no rumors circulating... I did not want that for Natsuki. That aside, part of me preferred to believe in the fact that our meetings were chance alone, it was certainly more… what… romantic? I'd let my thoughts carry me a bit too far from reality, hadn't I?

"How is your lecture coming?"

"It is done, I was just reviewing a few recent articles." I moved the papers and the pen he'd gifted me for my birthday aside.

"Ah. And the Research Team? It does seem they keep stealing you more and more."

"It does," I answered, folding my hands again.

"I would expect that makes it difficult to find the time to meet with all of your residents. Sadly I'm seeing more and more of Wang-sensei." He was watching me as he spoke in the subtle way that he did when he was worried. I felt badly I was subjecting Reito to his company.

"It is time-consuming." I agreed and not what I wished to be doing, but so little of my job involved things I wanted to be doing anymore. It was my experience thus far, that promotion generally added misery to one's work… but I was too aware of the consequences of stagnation to not take opportunities as they arose. They did seem to arise for me with annoying frequency though, almost as if I fell into them. It had led to me performing my work with a sort of detached indifference, though I maintained quality out of ego more than anything else. It was much how I felt throughout school… as though making an activity required, hung it upside down, and drained the enjoyment from it. I suppose I had no right to complain about such things. Success had never promised me satisfaction or passion, I could not very well expect it to deliver them after the fact. "Speaking of which, I have a meeting with Homura-han and Kaichou-sama in a half-hour concerning the Research Team."

"The Kaichou is working directly with Homura-san now? How unusual." Kazahana Mashiro was a woman whose eternally girlish features made her look quite young for the president of a hospital. My own observations told me that her association with Homura-han was civil, but barely so. He appeared to like her far more than she liked him. It was similar to how I felt about him. I wondered at the depth of her sudden involvement in the team, at her bringing in a consultant whose role in the project was deliberately nebulous. He was a rather shifty looking fellow from a company called Smith who oddly enough carried the same surname... though he was not quite as shifty as Homura-han himself.

The obsequious, smallish man had his fingers in all the projects to which I had been assigned. It was no wonder he'd secured this most recent promotion. "He _is_ the Chair of the Research Department now."

"Interesting. What happened to Sakomizu-san?"

"It would seem he stepped down to resume his prior duties as Laboratory head. There is a project that Homura-han is in charge of that looks to take priority for the team."

"The HiME project I would assume." I looked at him curiously.

"Yes. Reito knows it?"

"It has come up during one or two of my cases. Homura-san stayed for an entire total hip and absconded with half of the patient's bone graft directly after Yohko finished grinding the femoral head. He claimed it was the property of the HiME project. It was quite memorable. She threw off her sterile gown and chased him down the hallway."

I laughed softly, covering my mouth. "I can see where it would be. Perhaps Reito has also heard of the Biological Materials Recycling Program?"

"Yes… my thought is that it has some connection to the HiME project"

"That was my feeling as well. It turns out Homura-han is in charge of both."

Reito drummed his fingers on his cup, raising an eyebrow thoughtfully. "He is quite a suspicious character, isn't he?"

I gave him a smile, as though we were joking… but I was fairly serious. "I suppose that means I am guilty by association, no?"

He shook his head. "No more than the rest of us. By the way, it was nice to see you out again." Taking a seat in front of me, he gave a genuine smile.

I returned it with equal realness. "It has been too long."

"I believe Armitage may have missed you more than I did, which is impressive." He added with a serious look. "She was a bit of a mess without you."

I doubted that. "She came to my office the other day."

He laughed gently. "She hunted you down?"

"I suppose she did." Somehow the mental image of Haruka in a pith hat with an elephant rifle stalking through the jungle was fitting.

An amused smile took slid across his mouth. "Honestly I'm not surprised. She spoke of nothing else during your estrangement. I am beginning to wonder if her feelings run deeper than either of us assumed. Your wiles may be _too_ powerful Shizuru."

A disturbing theory indeed, which I thankfully knew to be absolutely without merit. "There are some things that should not be joked about Reito, even between us."

He laughed. "Duly noted. When do you think she'll tell people the news?" So he'd noticed as well...

"I could not begin to guess." I rested my chin on my palm, pretending to be saddened by what I said next. "I am not privy to what goes on inside the mind of Haruka Armitage." In truth, I hadn't the slightest idea why she was hiding her pregnancy. Perhaps she was afraid people would think her less capable… it was one of any number of possibilities.

"That's for the best, more than likely."

I shook my head at him in mock disapproval. "How are things with your shopkeeper?"

He answered with a surprising amount of straightforwardness. "Quite well. I do anticipate a considerable warm-up period with Kuga-san though. While we are on the subject, what possessed you to go out on my roof? I'm afraid I have to call your bluff on the childhood nostalgia story."

I smiled widely at him, not really wanting to explain. "Perhaps I was moved by the Christmas spirit."

"I believe I saw that same spirit." He softened his facial expression. "She was rather eye-catching in her dress."

I tapped a finger against my chin. "Should Reito not have kept his eyes on a certain redhead?"

"Ah, yes. The way you demonstrated with such admirable subtlety while climbing off the roof?" Of course, he would notice, but I could hardly be expected to ignore such a perfectly displayed and ample set of breasts. "In fairness, they are difficult not to notice."

I closed my eyes, smiling brightly. "It was quite the dress." I let him decide whether he thought I meant the cut of Mai-han's or the sight of Natsuki's.

"How are you Shizuru?" When I opened my eyes, he was meeting them steadily. I knew exactly what he meant.

"Does Reito think I look unwell?"

"You _look_ as beautiful as you always do. I was not speaking of looks." He took a sip of his tea. "Friendly concern is all."

"There is no need."

"But you would tell me if there was a need?" He asked pointedly. I wondered if Yohko had told him of my father if this was about that, or Natsuki, or both. "I wouldn't hesitate to assist you in whatever way I was able, Shizuru."

I cocked my head to the side, regarding him carefully. "Ookini." There was a twinge of guilt that hit at the thought that he might know about my father's passing and also know that I had not told him. There was a distinct possibility that my inferiority at friendships extended beyond what I was attempting with Natsuki. I felt I had little choice but to tell him and was only slightly less uncomfortable than I had been when revealing it the first time. "I do not know if Yohko told you about my father…"

Reito tried to mask the surprise he felt at my words, but I did see it. Pausing for a second, he placed his hand over mine. "I'm sorry to hear it. She only told me because she was convinced I already knew and was hiding it." The mental picture of Yohko cornering Reito and interrogating him did bring me some degree of entertainment.

I'd decided to donate the weapons. Wednesday night I'd attempted once again to sort through the first box, but had gotten nowhere. Quickly, I'd picked out the four katanas he used to spend far too long polishing, knowing them by their distinctive handles. They all had the same maker. The swords were the pieces that most reminded me of him. The truth was that I could not discard his entire collection. He'd thought enough to leave it to me, I felt obligated to keep at least some of it. I'd given an extremely excited Midori-han what remained of the boxes unchecked and unsorted. A Naginata and four swords… I would need to determine how best to display them once that terrible, sickening ache disappeared. For the time being, I'd placed the katanas into a closet I almost never used, the one where I kept the few pictures I had of my family…locked them all away…as though it could keep him from my mind.

"We haven't seen much of each other Shizuru. Perhaps you'd let me take you for a late dinner to set my mind at ease… my treat of course." I gazed at him, a smile of my own painting my lips. He watched me for a second before one corner of his mouth turned up. "Or has someone else already claimed you for the evening?" I needed no images of Natsuki _'claiming'_ me in my head at the moment.

"Ookini for the invitation, I do have a previous dinner engagement. Another time perhaps?"

"Of course." Reito eyed me and I wondered what trouble was passing through his head at the moment. "Amongst the right company, a dinner can be quite the pleasure Shizuru. I anticipate you'll enjoy the view at the very least." He sipped at his tea and then smiled with a glint of mischief in his gaze. He lifted his finger. "They do say that we eat with our eyes first." I lifted a brow at him. His comment teetered on the edge of distasteful, which meant I took particular delight in it.

"Reito's innuendo is much more suited to his own situation, given his sweet-tooth and his shopkeeper's skill in the kitchen, no?"

"I could argue that it is much more suited to your situation given your particular preferences, Shizuru." He said, standing up and giving me a boyish smile.

"I do hope that isn't the case… for Mai-han's sake." I took a sip of my tea.

His eyes widened before a laugh tumbled out. Even if our sense of humor was somewhat perverse, I very much enjoyed it… yet a part of me wanted to ask him to stop, to not feed my hopes as I was trying my utmost to starve them to death. I knew that he meant well, which only added to the unlikelihood that I would mention it.

"I wonder what explanation Kuga-san will give when Mai questions her as to what it was she was doing with you on the roof." He tapped the table thoughtfully and I stared at him, knowing he would say nothing more about it. "Enjoy yourself tonight." He walked out of the room with his normal light-stepped grace and I smiled. I felt fortunate that I was stuck at work as I would have absolutely no chance to agonize over what to wear for no reason.

As I sighed, the small electronic device perched on the table caught my attention. Picking it up, I studied the case in which it rested. The plastic was emblazed with a Union Jack…rather appropriate. Curious, I placed the player down, unfolded the note and read through its contents.

_Hi Shizuru-san,_

_I hope Nat didn't read this before she gave it to you, I told her not to! So the iPod…if you go to the playlist called "My Stuff" there are a few tracks of me singing (you said you wanted to hear_ _… that's why_ _I asked her to give you this). There are a whole bunch of different playlists and I left them on here because I didn't know what type of music you liked. Don't feel like you have to listen to them though! Just if you want to._

_Nat told me last night that she was going to ask you if you wanted to do that dinner she owes you. In case it helps, she likes Spanish reds. Oh! And she really really really likes chocolate._

_Have fun,_

_Alyssa :)_

I reread the message, smiling widely to myself at both the words and the accompanying picture she'd drawn. On the bottom of the page was a cute chibi version of Natsuki in scrubs with the most absurd expression of happiness on her face, an added tail wagging while she devoured a chocolate bar.

Alyssa had added an arrow beside which was written: _"it's kinda like that_ _!_ _"._ No wonder she did not want Natsuki to see, but it was another small treasure as far as I was concerned. Between Alyssa and Arika-han… as adorable and unique as they both were…as much as a piece of me appreciated it… this was bordering on silliness. Still, it was excellent information and I found myself curious as to why she'd deemed it necessary to include three "really's"… not to mention a graphic. It was definitely worth finding out if Natsuki's tail would truly wag when supplied with her favored dessert…

**Digression #16: Yumemiya Arika**   
**Date: January 3** **rd** **, 2014** **… a Friday**

Yumemiya Arika's grandmother had told her that babies spring from the ground after a rainstorm, that they needed to be pulled from the dirt by their hair like human carrots. She had believed this even after her teacher told her it was not true. She had insisted for days afterward, convinced there was no way her grandmother could be wrong.

Rena, Arika's mother, had been the one to sit with the child who adamantly refused to entertain the idea that babies grew inside women and explain that it was indeed the truth. She had always thought her grandmother's version much more pleasant. This became truer still when she did her OB/GYN rotations. The reality of childbirth was wholly terrifying in person and it made her wish that the desire to have children of her own someday could be fulfilled as simply as planting a vegetable garden. She had tried to relay these sentiments to Fujino-sensei after the first birth they ran anesthesia for. Her beautiful preceptor had sat across from her with deep, understanding, absolutely hypnotizing eyes, and a gentle hand on her knee. Suddenly, all she could do was gush over how calm the woman had remained in such a stressful situation, that she was going to work on it, that she was going to do better… thoughts of carrots and babies forgotten. It was the same nearly anytime she encountered her mentor. The woman had a way of listening, of interacting that was so present, so focused… so brain-melting.

She was quite proud when she'd been the first of the Residents to notice how her sensei reacted to the new Ortho Fellow. Until the day that Kuga-sensei came to her and apologized for yelling, she'd thought the dark-haired woman a little mean… not intimidating like the others did, because Arika didn't intimidate easily. However, in that awkward apology, she'd seen only honesty. Her sensei somehow saw it from the beginning, seemed to connect with the other woman differently and the whole thing struck her as incredibly romantic… even more so when she saw the two of them towards the end of Kanzaki-sensei's Christmas party. They had both looked so elegant, so beautiful in their dresses, sneaking glances at each other, Kuga-sensei's small smile and Fujino-sensei's bright one. It made her heart beat faster to watch and she had held Erstin's arm tightly just to have a place to release her energy. Weirdly enough there was a shine to both their hair, almost like it was wet… but only a bit. Maybe they'd been outside together… in the snow. She'd found herself sighing wistfully at the idea. Erstin had noticed it at the hospital, but not from Fujino-sensei... it was Kuga-sensei that gave them away. Her friend had pointed out little things...the visible change in the Fellow's posture, the tiny cautious smile, the softening of her speech when Fujino-sensei was around… it was so… well… romantic.

Arika's mind did have a habit of gravitating toward romanticism. It applied the concept to friendships and love interests indiscriminately… to almost anything that involved two people who enjoyed one another's company. The friendship between Kanzaki-sensei and Fujino-sensei had struck her as romantic as well… and the way that Erstin worried about Nina who worried about Armitage-sensei…

Monday had seen a new romance blossom between Nina and the patient Arika had dubbed 'broken hand'. He'd punched a wall, apparently hit a steel support beam behind the plaster… a boxer's fracture coupled with a fracture of the distal radius. Fujino-sensei had explained to them that the fifth and sometimes forth metacarpal tended to fracture with a hard punch. His fractures were angulated and poorly aligned, looked very 'yeouch' to her, for lack of a better term. Their blonde sometimes-instructor had added that he deserved what he got for being stupid enough to punch a wall.

Woods-sensei had put pins in his hand and a plate on his distal radius. Nina had run anesthesia for the case with Armitage-sensei. Standing in the recovery room, Arika had watched her friend check on him four times while she was following up with one of her own patients. Fujino-sensei had caught the girl passing by far too often as well, and she'd seen the curious smile on her preceptor's face.

The only relationship she saw no romance in was the one between Tomoe and their Sensei. It made her uncomfortable and there was so little that made her uncomfortable, that ever reached beneath her happiness to pull out a negative emotion or two. At first, she'd liked the other Resident, they'd all gone out together, had fun. Things had changed though… especially after their little back and forth in Kuga-sensei's room. The girl had gotten strangely possessive over Fujino-sensei. There were a lot of things that worried her, looks and nasty comments, something strange in the way she stared at their Sensei, something not quite right. Tomoe, she decided, was quite possibly a 'bad egg' as her grandmother would have put it. The girl didn't think about other people or help them, she thought about herself and how to get what she wanted. Arika just couldn't respect that mentality. From a very young age… the idea of service, the idea of charity, the idea that your life was not only your own were spoken and echoed in action. You were supposed to do good, it was part of being a human being, the most important part in fact. It was why Arika had wanted to go into the medical field in the first place…to help people, to be part of a team whose purpose was to help people, to be there when they woke up, talk to them, take care of them at their most vulnerable. It was a noble profession, a humanitarian profession and that appealed to her.

Tomoe though… she extended selfishness further than anyone she'd ever met. She extended her entitlement to people, as though their Sensei belonged to her. Since that realization came, Arika had made a quest out of corralling Kuga-sensei into finding Fujino-sensei when she was alone. It hadn't proven difficult as more often than not, one or the other of them did the work for her… like they had some sixth sense for where the other was. It was pure, flower petals falling from the sky type romance.

Arika had wanted to protect it... so she began dropping her Sensei's location into conversations with the dark-haired surgeon who never seemed to notice the intention. In just a moment, when the surgeon was to exit the locker room and walk down the hallway… well, she was going to do it again.

"She's going to notice. She's not stupid and you're not good at subtle, Arika." Nina had said while working at a crossword puzzle. The dark-haired girl had figured out what she was doing, but not why… not the part about Tomoe. She probably just saw it as meddling.

"I'm not doing anything, just talking to her." She had answered, her voice dipping and rising in the sing-song way it did when she was excited.

"I don't think she minds it, Nina." Erstin, who was aware of Arika's reasons, had added.

Nina tapped her pencil and continued puzzling over 36 across, but the restless movements of her brunette friend's body kept poking at her attention. "Why can't you ever sit still? It's distracting."

It couldn't be helped. The new clogs she'd gotten were so slippery… it was like she was gliding across the floor… like ice-skating.

She saw a flash of dark hair pop from the locker room. "Oooh! I'll be right back."

Erstin smiled and Nina sighed.

"Hi, Kuga-sensei."

The woman slowed slightly, looking away from her phone, to meet shining blue eyes. "Oh. Hey, Yumemiya."

She looked at the other woman's clothes. "Are you done for the day? That's good!" A slow, uneasy nod. "You drink coffee right?"

Kuga-sensei's gaze narrowed suspiciously and a dark brow rose. "Why?"

The brunette smiled lightly. "They just made a fresh pot in the lounge. I was thinking of getting some for Fujino-sensei." She paused, staring obviously, looking to see if there was any reaction. All she got was a slight wrinkling in the other woman's forehead. "She's been working on her lecture in the conference room down the hall…right down there… around the corner… that closed door." She pointed and Kuga-sensei remained mostly unresponsive, only glancing briefly in the direction of her finger. "Is the coffee good? I don't drink it, so I don't know."

"Shizuru drinks tea." The comment was made quickly, before Kuga-sensei straightened her posture, looking away. There was that pink-tinged scowl that caused Chandler-san to call her the ridiculous nickname that no one else dared utter. "I think she does, I don't know."

"No, I think you're right!" She was trying to keep herself from sliding down the hall… it was hard because it was much more fun to move that way. "It must be so boring going through all those articles and she's been in there for over an hour… I bet she could use a break or something." Another beat of silence and the wrinkle deepened. "It was nice seeing you."

An awkward wave and a confused glance were thrown her way. "Yeah. See you."

Arika slid back down the hall. She smiled happily to herself from her perch in the doorway of the OR lounge when she saw the dark-haired doctor pause and then change direction. Nina shook her head and focused harder on her puzzle, Erstin squeezed Arika's hand, a bit excited herself.

**Aside #16: It'll Be Like Shopping** _(Conversation)_

Two friends sat in the closed shop a block from the hospital, having cleaned everything up already. One was watching the other intently, while she sipped from a steaming cup.

"So…"

"What?" Green eyes looked up from her drink.

Mischievous blue-violet met them. "Shizuru-san?"

A confused and wary look appeared on her face, and the mug was set down. "What about her?"

Smirking lips spoke. "What were you doing on the roof with her?"

A touch of redness appeared on Natsuki's cheeks. She had no idea what was actually being implied but sensed the implication buried in the question nonetheless. "Nothing. Talking."

Sitting back in the chair, Mai stretched her arms behind her head, crossing them and squinting her eyes. "What was the blanket for?"

"She was cold." She answered with an expression that clearly indicated it should have been obvious. It brought a burst of laughter from across the table. "Why the hell are you laughing?"

Controlling herself, the redhead stifled another smirk. "It was a funny answer."

"Stop it." Her friend grumbled, self-consciously.

Those childlike eyes narrowed further and her lips quirked. "She was covering for you, wasn't she?"

A chin fell against an arm now folded on the table. "I didn't ask her to. I don't know why she did that."

The redhead's voice became serious but soft. "Too many people?"

Her head turned to the side. "Only the whole hospital."

"Who talked you into going to the party?"

"Alyssa, but she's trying to help." Natsuki sighed heavily, poking at the table with her free hand. "I hate the whole networking thing."

"How the heck did Shizuru-san find you out on the roof?"

Another deep sigh. "She just does that."

"Are you two friends?" Mai asked with interest.

A pause, before she answered. "Weird, right?"

The redhead watched her friend curiously. "Why would it be weird?"

"You've met her."

An amused grin took Mai's lips. Her friend could be so vague sometimes. "I have no idea what that's supposed to mean."

"She smiles all the time." As if that clarified anything.

"You're not making sense."

"We're different," Natsuki said, though she did not sound unhappy about it, just surprised.

There was something unusual about how the other girl was talking, Mai decided. There was something unusual about this whole thing. She wasn't sure what it was though. "Did it help? Talking to her?"

"Yeah."

She shrugged happily, winking. "Well, it's good then. You worry too much, Natsuki."

Sitting back, she crossed her arms over her chest. "You should've told me about Kanzaki."

"Sorry 'bout that... but, when have you ever gone to a big fancy party? He only told me about it a few days before and I didn't bother asking you because it kinda sounded like your worst nightmare. I just thought there was no way." She said laughingly.

The dark-haired girl responded with a grin. "I thought it would be worse, honestly."

"See? Friends are good!"

Natsuki frowned at her, clearly thinking on something. "Kanzaki…"

"What?" She was slightly nervous about what would follow. Unbeknownst to the surgeon, Mai thought of meeting Natsuki as her litmus test for potential suitors. If the guy passed, if she liked him, then it was worth pursuing. None had yet.

Those intense eyes regarded her steadily. "Is he good to you? Not just better than that idiot you dated last year, like actually good to you?"

"He's a perfect gentleman." She watched the expected skeptical frown appear and grinned. "Y'know, I always thought him and Shizuru-san were dating."

Suddenly her friend seemed rather interested in the conversation. "Why?"

"They seem so compatible."

Another frown, more pronounced than the last one. "I guess."

"What's this look about?" Mai leaned over and pressed at the crease in her friend's forehead, whose scowl deepened further at the gesture.

"Cut it out." She pulled her head away and then looked toward the ground. Natsuki was so strange sometimes. The thing at the Christmas party had got her thinking… if her friend was okay going to parties… maybe it was time.

Mai's face became a contemplative mask, before it slowly morphed into a look of excitement, much to the woman across from her's concern. "I've been thinking…"

There was a pause during which a procession of small twitches worked at Natsuki's lips. "Whatever is going on in your head right now, forget it."

"Maybe it's time you started dating again." A frustrated growl met the pronouncement and the woman buried her face in her hands. "You're so cute Natsuki! It'll be just like shopping, they'll be lining up!"

"No." She mumbled through her fingers.

Mai tapped her chin. "What we need to do is figure out what you like."

"Dating is the last damn thing I wanna do."

"I've let this go for long enough." Another one of those terrifying, thoughtful expressions. "What do you find attractive in a guy?"

"Mai!" Natsuki warned to no avail.

"C'mon, don't be shy."

"Nothing, okay?" She answered, hoping to stop this madness before it spiraled any further downhill.

"That's not true." A tap to her lips, with that troublesome index finger. "Blonds?"

"Ugh."

"Okay, brown hair then." She attempted a glare, but again it was blithely ignored. "Light eyes?"

"Stop."

"Muscles?"

"Shut up." Her voice was becoming a bit louder now.

"I'll work on it."

"Shutting up?" She asked hopefully.

"On finding you a date… a brunet with dark eyes and a slim build." She winked.

"If you give my number to anyone Tokiha, I swear your karaoke set will go for a swim."

"Natsuki," Her friend shook her head mockingly.

"No dates, Mai."

A pout settled on the redhead's face. "No?"

"No." She said gruffly.

"I think it would do you some good."

"I'd rather poke my own eyes out with a fork." She grumbled.

"That would make it easier! Then it wouldn't matter what he looked like, ne?" Shooting her most intense glare, Natsuki pushed her tongue against the side of her cheek. "I just want my friend to be happy."

"I AM HAPPY, GODDAMNIT!" She shouted, while her friend just stared at her with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. After a minute, she couldn't keep herself from smiling either, even though she desperately wanted to.

When Mai spoke, it was still through sparking bits of mirth. "Why don't you come over tonight?"

"Nope." She said defiantly.

"Don't be like that."

"I have plans."

That devious look of excitement was back immediately. "You're already dating?"

She threw up her hands. "This is why I don't tell you things! It's not a damn date."

"Where're you going?"

Natsuki was still a bit suspicious but answered her. "I made reservations at that place downtown."

"The one with the skate fin thing you had me try?" Natsuki wet her lips unconsciously at the thought of it and nodded. "Fancy! It definitely sounds like a date."

"It's _not_ a date, damn it!" She corrected, exasperated.

"Are you meeting him there?"

A glare. "No, I'm picking _her_ up."

Mai just stared at her friend for a minute, her head slowly tilting, confusion in her eyes. "…Shizuru-san?"

Natsuki smiled smugly, as though she'd just won the argument. "Not a date."

"Well, it sounds like one."

"It's not fancy and it's not a date!"

"I mean it is a fancy place and you're hiding out on rooftops with her underneath snuggly blankets. It's a little suspect Natsuki."

She growled. "I wasn't hiding."

"Yes, you were."

"Well, she wasn't! And why the hell is it suspect? Damn it! I told you, she was cold."

"So you weren't under the blanket with her?"

Green eyes flew open. "No!"

Mai laughed lightly. "Relax Natsuki."

A hand buried itself in her hair, scratching lightly. "I am relaxed."

She recognized the redhead was holding in more chuckles. "I can see that."

"Well, it's your fault I'm not."

Her friend had such a unique way of filtering information, especially social information, Mai found herself thinking. Things she found spoke for themselves, Natsuki often didn't see at all, didn't even consider. In this case, that was a little worrisome. Nao had always said that Natsuki was dense, but Mai had never thought that was true… at least so far as one could call it a character trait. The dark-haired woman could be extremely perceptive so long as the thing being observed had absolutely nothing to do with herself or someone else's feelings about her. However, Natsuki had an almost superhuman capacity to ignore the intentions behind subtlety if the intent was directed her way, to take almost any statement at face value. The redhead had wondered about it often and came to a conclusion…that Natsuki did this subconsciously and it was because once she admitted something was there, the part of her that absolutely had to fix things kicked in, searched for a resolution… couldn't be okay with unresolved. As long as she recognized only the surface of what was being said to her, it could be dealt with and forgotten. It was a defense mechanism or some unique mental process, that only looked like obliviousness.

Mai, being the curious person she was, had asked Reito about Shizuru, about whether the two of them ever dated… he had laughed and said it was 'quite impossible.' She didn't know what to make of the answer, hadn't thought much about it until she saw their friends on the roof… watched them at the party afterward.

She'd also asked Reito about that later… for confirmation that Shizuru was that way and he had given it, watching her very closely while he did. Mai had gotten the distinct impression that if her reaction to it had been poor, things would have taken a downward turn for her and Reito. It hadn't been poor, just surprised. Her first thought was that Shizuru didn't really look like a lesbian… not any concept she had of one. Then again, she really hadn't met any before… that she knew of. She didn't think Natsuki knew about it either. It wouldn't even occur to her friend as a question…Natsuki wouldn't let it, that much she was sure of. The woman didn't wonder about things like that. It wasn't her place to tell her friend though. As little as she understood about these sorts of things, she was pretty sure that it was Shizuru's place.

The dark-haired woman was watching Mai with a growing sense of dread… she was thinking again and that was not a good thing. Soon the tension became too much. "What now?"

"It's kind of too bad."

She peered over at her friend, cautiously. "What is?"

"You two would make a cute couple and she does fit your description. A brunette with dark eyes and a slim build. Slimmer than I was thinking, but…"

She gaped at her. "Something's wrong with you."

"Nothing's wrong with me!" It was clear that Mai was mildly offended by the remark and a bit less obvious that she was even further concerned by it. "It's funny actually, I used to wonder if you were into girls back in high school." Mai had wondered briefly if her friend was like that in high school because she was gruff and didn't care about boys. What she recognized only later was that Natsuki's indifference to other people extended to both genders... had no connection to sexual preference at all. Until Tate and her dated during their college years, she thought maybe the girl was asexual.

It was said so casually that the dark-haired woman craned her neck forward, eyes shifting, unsure of what she'd heard. Slightly shocked eyes narrowed. "That's funny?"

"You never looked at guys or talked about them. It was just a passing thought." The redhead looked at her curiously as the girl across from her blinked and then glared again. "You know…"

"Damn it, Mai. I don't wanna know." This conversation was way too weird, in Natsuki's opinion. It had been a parade of things she had little to no interest in discussing.

"I bet Shizuru-san's a good kisser too. Something about the way her lips curl when she smiles I think." And it continued… the dark-haired woman's heart inexplicably sped at the pronouncement and the flush that accompanied this was the darkest yet today. Again, Mai had said this so easily, like she hadn't uttered something totally nuts.

Natsuki clenched her jaw, lips tight, and caught off guard by the tension that was filling her. "Why the hell would you even notice that?"

Mai shrugged, not understanding the other woman's reaction in the least. To her, it seemed the most natural thing in the world. She noticed things about people, just as she was certain people noticed things about her. There was a difference between noticing something and being attracted to it. "It's hard not to. She smiles all the time like you said. It draws attention to her mouth."

"I don't wanna talk about this."

"About Shizuru-san's lips, you mean?" Her friend teased, crossing her legs. She was half-serious. If she could get Natsuki to consider it... if she could beat the seed of an idea into that iron brain…

Natsuki flicked her hair away from her face, trying to calm the tight feeling in her chest. That damn plum was tap dancing all around her head again and it was Mai's fault. "I'll kill you if it's the only way to get you to shut up."

A wide, sly smile met the words. Her friend's reaction was strange to her again, in that same way she couldn't quite pinpoint. Strange to her the way seeing Natsuki help Shizuru down from the roof had been. It was something she would have to keep an eye on. "Empty threats, Natsuki. Who would make you ramen?"


	17. Dinner and Drinks, Kaiji, and the Pocky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shizuru turned 33 in Chapter 13. In this fanfic, Natsuki is 31 (29 at the time of her Digression, she and Tate broke up before her 30th birthday)

**Narrative #17: Dinner and Drinks** **  
Date: January 3, 2014 … a Wednesday**

I realized that we hadn't agreed upon a meeting place as I was changing, but was not particularly concerned. We had a tendency to find another as she said. If the pattern continued as it had, we would stumble upon one another somehow. I walked up to the main entrance and sure enough there she was, arms crossed and asleep from the looks of it. Her scarf pooled against the wide brown collar of the waist-length leather jacket she was wearing. It pleased me to see her in something warmer than the thin military-style jacket she'd been wearing earlier in the conference room. She looked absolutely beautiful, and as I approached there was no doubt. She was most definitely asleep.

I smiled at her still form, walking over to where she sat in the atrium. I stood beside her chair for a minute, but she did not move at all… _too adorable_. She must be so tired; I was loath to wake her.

"Natsuki," I said quietly as l leaned down, but there was no response. "Is this really a good place to sleep?" I asked and still nothing.

Her head lolled to the side and a strand of hair fell in front of her eyes. My fingers traveled to the fallen lock, let it fall across the tips of them, tucked it back behind her ear, and came to rest on her cheekbone. They lingered there, captured by the smoothness and warmth, and _what was I doing?_ I drew my hand back, unsettled by my own behavior, what I had just allowed myself. The softness of her skin, I banished it from my mind. It was crossing a line, assuming an intimacy that did not exist between us, and yet I had let myself anyway.

Shakily, I sat in the chair beside her, folding my hands. What I felt in her presence, the suffusing warmth, the strength of it pulled remembrances of the blinding emotions I'd been overwhelmed by before. They echoed in my mind and skin. Was it already dipping below my surface, tainting my feelings for her? Or were they tainted already by virtue of the fact that they were mine? Had I just blurred the edges between my own desires and what stood between us? It was possible, probable even. Perhaps the small touches I'd permitted with her because they were so natural to me…because they were something I did with many people… they were too much for my control.

I took a measured breath, composing myself. Was I overreacting or was I underreacting? It was a touch, just a small touch and that was justification, wasn't it? I could not let myself think that way, not again. The touch had not been consented to. It was stolen. I considered leaving, walking away, and citing some emergent issue that required my attention, but I wanted this too much. I craved these moments of her, the peace she brought despite the complications that came with it. I was too selfish to let it go so easily. I needed to wake her, that much I knew.

Standing, I leaned against the wall beside her. "Natsuki…" It was said a bit louder than before, but she only rolled her head toward me, murmuring softly, parting her lips just slightly. _Goodness, this was a trial of sorts._ With another deep breath, I attempted again. "Na-tsu-ki." Still a little louder and I kept my voice gentle, trying not to frighten her.

I was remarkably unsuccessful as she nearly knocked over the chair, scrambling bolt upright in her seat and slapping a hand over her lips, which was a little odd. Her blinking green eyes popped up toward me, almost frightened, as though I'd done something that shocked her to her core, and mine widened.

"Shi…uh…Shizuru?" She was quite disoriented, her voice raspy and breaking with sleep. I felt badly enough that I could not enjoy its sound.

"Kanin-na. Are you alright?"

"Huh." She rubbed her face and I could see it was flushed, likely from waking so suddenly. We stared at one another in silence for a minute, her with that unreadable expression, lip slipping between her teeth. "We should go." She stood up quickly.

"I did not mean to startle you."

She gave a sharp, quick nod. "My car's in the parking garage." I nodded and we headed to the elevators, both of us a bit nervous.

As the doors closed behind us, I attempted to forget that I had forgotten myself. I would try to make amends by keeping well within the confines of friendship as I understood it. That of course, did not preclude teasing her verbally. "Natsuki is very cute when she's sleeping."

"Idiot." She mumbled and I closed my eyes contentedly.

"We will not be taking your motorcycle tonight?"

"It's too cold." She answered as though it did not occur to her I was joking.

"I wonder what Natsuki enjoys so much that is she willing to accept the risk?"

"It's different than driving. It's just my body and the bike. I like that." She looked at me again. "You don't like it." The question statement again.

"I cannot say, because I have not tried it."

Her eyes fixed on me. "I could teach you to ride sometime."

 _This woman._ I tried to remain unresponsive to her wording. "I would like that."

"This one's mine." We climbed into the small black coupe and she pulled out of the space in the same careful and precise way her sister had. I wondered if Natsuki had taught her sister how to drive. Those thoughts were cast aside by the speed with which we left the garage.

Willing myself to relax, I turned to look at her. "May I ask where we are going to dinner?"

"A place downtown." She answered, watching the road. I wasn't sure whether she was being deliberately evasive.

"Does Natsuki plan to elaborate?"

"No." Apparently, she was.

I smiled to myself. "How very sweet of you to plan another surprise."

She frowned. "I just didn't get a chance to pitch in for the cake they got you, so I wanted to do something. I owed you anyways, and I ate up your whole night at Kanzaki's." My heart was beating rather quickly. Natsuki had planned a birthday dinner for me. A tortuously platonic, incredibly touching belated birthday dinner. "Do me a favor, and don't talk 'til we get there. I don't wanna walk in looking like a damn tomato."

"If that is what Natsuki wishes." I attempted to fix my face in the stretch of silence that followed while she let her flushed skin calm.

The stereo was playing softly, and her fingers drummed lightly along the steering wheel in time with the guitar line rather than the percussion. Her lips were barely mouthing lyrics, which must've been a subconscious behavior. It would embarrass her if she realized, so I called no attention to it. She was, impossibly, more beautiful like this. More relaxed, the occasional light of passing headlamps illuminating her face for just a moment. The situation was making it quite impossible for me to reign in the wildness that kept thundering through my veins at her presence. I was struggling a bit with my own control, most especially when I realized she was taking me to one of the most applauded restaurants on the island. We were seated immediately which indicated to me she had made reservations. I wished I had worn something a bit nicer, but she did have jeans on and appeared completely unconcerned about it.

"We can talk." She said, looking a bit sheepish.

"Ookini, I was waiting for your permission," I answered, smiling.

She sighed at me the way one would a misbehaving child. "Have you been here before?"

"I have not." A small smile broke across her face at my answer. "Natsuki has expensive taste in food, perhaps she is something of a gourmand?" She gave me a look that indicated she thought I was crazy for asking such a thing. "I'm starting to believe you really do want to impress me." I rested my chin on my hand as I spoke.

Her eyes fixed on me and her jaw shifted. "No." It was nearly a growl, but beneath it, there was something like amusement. Then again perhaps that was wishful thinking. "I don't." She added for emphasis.

"My mistake." I smiled widely at her, as she struggled adorably to contain the hint of that precious blush.

"If I'm gonna pay for a meal, I want something even Mai couldn't make." I smiled. _That honesty again_. I very much liked it.

I gentled my expression and returned the look, it seemed to reciprocally soften her own. "That certainly seems like a fair stipulation," I said cheerfully. "Though it must limit your choices."

A small but lovely smile and the lift of a brow showed her agreement. Reaching for a rather expansive looking leather-bound menu in the center of the table, she began scanning it. "Do you want some wine?"

"You'll join me?" She nodded, which was for the best. I could not be held responsible for my actions if I finished a bottle of wine on my own.

A smirk appeared across the table. "I'll probably need it anyway."

I 'tsked' her. " _Ikezu_."

She let one of those small smiles grace her features. My eyes traced her curving lips. "You deserved it."

"Perhaps I did." I conceded. I was teasing her too much, likely because my insides wouldn't stop fluttering about. "Natsuki should make our dinner selections, as she's been here before, no?"

"You want me to order for you?" She gave me a perplexed look, steady and clear as I nodded. I might've drowned myself in those emerald pools, had her head not dipped down toward the menu. "If it keeps you from stealing mine again."

"I suppose that would depend on what you order."

She mumbled something about wandering chopsticks as she eyed the options. Our dinner passed rather uneventfully, which was welcome. We chatted amiably, had excellent food and some delicious red wine blend. Alyssa had been spot on, it was a Spanish wine. She'd known the bottle by name. I found myself feeling comfortable and pleased that I hadn't spent a tremendous amount of our dinner time fawning over her. I'd admired her certainly, with quick peeks when she wasn't looking, but it gave me some hope that a continued friendship, without too much frustration on my end, was possible. She did keep sending furtive glances toward my mouth while I was eating, as though she distrusted it, was even slightly upset by it. In truth, it was difficult to keep myself from wiping at my lips in response. Natsuki had acted similarly the last time we ate together as well… and with the plum. I questioned if there was not something in the way that I ate that perturbed her. The lack of any touching did help my self-control at the same time that it disappointed the silliest part of me. After she paid, we walked down the street together, well-fed and warm from the wine.

Natsuki slowed her pace and glanced up as we passed a well-known, trendy bar. "We should get another drink." The statement surprised me entirely. "I don't feel like going home yet." It was added quietly and I considered whether or not she recognized the possible interpretations for her request.

My guess was she did not and besides which, this was not a date. I reminded myself that we were two friends going to a rather nice restaurant and grabbing a drink after. There was no call for my nervousness.

My silence had made her anxious, and so I answered truthfully. "I'd love to."

I was taken aback when she grabbed my hand after we'd entered, pulling me through the crowd inside. Again, I was shocked she wanted to go into a place so full of people, given her reaction at the Christmas party.

We took a seat, now with fresh glasses of wine, which was a phenomenally bad idea, at least on my end. A third was manageable, but it danced a line. She sipped at hers slowly, savoring it the same way she had her food. She was able to secure us a secluded circular booth at the far end of the bar, staring down a couple who was eying it as well. Her glare seemed to be significantly more effective on other people.

Her eyes slowly turned in my direction. She trained them on me for a moment and I raised my eyebrow at her curiously. "Name one person you don't like."

What an unexpected request. "Why would Natsuki wish to know such a thing?"

"Because you said you're not as nice as I think you are."

I tapped my nails against the stem of my glass. "Very well. A man named Homura-han"

A strange expression covered her face. "You know him?"

"He oversees the research studies I work on."

"What are they studying?"

I wondered at her interest in this subject. "A potential cancer treatment."

She sat up straighter in her seat. "The HiME project?"

"Yes. Natsuki knows it?"

She looked as though she thought I was lying. "You work with the HiME project?"

"I occasionally recruit participants for studies and act as an Anesthesiologist during surgical procedures for patients once enrolled. Is the HiME project of particular interest to you?"

"It is." How could she have even heard of it? Maybe the same way Reito did, but still, she had not been at the hospital very long. "Why don't you like him?"

"He seems intelligent, quite politically savvy, but I would not say he comes from a place of compassion. He seems to be using the research studies primarily to better his career. I do not trust him or his intentions really."

"Does it work?"

"The HiME treatment?" She seemed so intensely concerned about this. "I must admit I've been more focused with the portions which involve me directly. However, the results are hospital property, I see no reason you couldn't look through them or the articles Homura-han has written." The articles had been published and would have been available to her anyway.

She pulled at her ear, relaxing back against the seat and crossing her legs at the thigh. "What do you think of the project?"

I was certainly no expert in such matters, but if she wished to have my honest opinion I would give it to her. "It has only been a few months, but from the cursory glances I've given the data, the results do appear to be improved from the previous trials."

"What's different?"

"I am not certain. I have the protocols in my office, you are welcome to have a look." That was pushing things certainly, but I couldn't see what she would possibly do with such information. "I trust you, Natsuki." I did, even it was foolish or at best unfounded. Perhaps that was all merely justification, the simple truth being that whatever the consequence of sharing such information with an uninvolved party, it meant the possibility of spending more time with her. "Besides which, having Natsuki in my office is not something I would ever mind." A bit of reveal to let some of the guilt I felt at my questionable professional choices ease, but my tongue was certainly loosening.

She gave me something of a chiding look before she rolled her eyes at me. Continuing our conversation prior, she reiterated. "Homura."

I kept her gaze, feeling unusual serious. "I never denied there were people I disliked. I believe it's your turn."

She did not hesitate at all. "Wang-sensei."

"Why is that?"

A scoff erupted from her. "Besides the fact that he's a condescending asshole?"

I closed my eyes, laughing softly. "I suppose that is reason enough."

"I don't know how you deal with him as your chief." She commented, shifting back against the leather of the bench and dropping an arm to her still crossed legs.

I smiled at her, trying to keep my eyes from following the seam of her jeans across the outside of her leg. I could feel the wine heating my entire body at this point and I was undeniably tipsy. It made me want to curl up in her lap. Somehow, I did not think she'd be amenable to such an arrangement. _What was I doing here with this woman?_ This was ill-advised for so many reasons and still, I stayed.

"I attempt not to" I answered, refocusing.

"Hmm." She clicked her tongue. "Something that makes you angry." It seemed we were continuing this game. "Do you get angry?"

If she insisted on asking a silly question, I would respond with silliness. I adopted an expression of sadness, heaving a sigh. "Sadly, no. I was born without the capacity."

A bit of a grin appeared on her face. " _That's_ why you smile all the time."

I gave her my brightest one. "Yes. It is a congenital defect."

She arched a dark brow at me, giving me quite the look. "You're strange, Shizuru." It was not something I could deny.

"It is your turn."

"You didn't even answer the question."

"I thought I did."

Again, with the quirked eyebrow. "Misdirection is not a damn answer."

I watched her for a moment, surrendering a bit. The truth was I attempted not to get angry. I hated everything about the feeling, what it did to me, what it drew from me. That was certainly too true a thing for me to say though.

"I suppose I would say that I do not like being pointed at. That does bother me." She nodded, satisfied. "And what angers Natsuki?"

A sigh escaped her as she thought. "People commenting on things that are none of their business."

It was a rather broad category. "Can you provide an example?"

She shrugged. "My food."

I found the notion that this happened often enough to anger her hard to believe, but then I remembered our meeting behind the hospital. I had said something about her tin of fruit, hadn't I? "This happens frequently?"

"It's why I eat outside."

"And what do they say?"

"Stuff that doesn't need to be said. Like a person can't have a vegetable without being on a diet." Irritation was infusing both her posture and her tone.

I smiled. _So much emotion over vegetables_. "Natsuki is certainly passionate about this."

She frowned. "It's what I like to eat, it doesn't mean anything. There's no reason to make small talk when you're trying to eat anyway."

I was sure that the smile on my lips had become something of a smirk. "Was that a subtle hint, perhaps?"

"It's different, I wanted to have dinner with you." The correction was quick and awkward for her only after she realized what she'd said. Her brows knit and she looked to the side feigning nonchalance, even though it was clear her words had embarrassed her. It was absurdly endearing.

Her words though, they bounced in my thoughts. Yet again I was different and yet again I tried not to read too much into that.

"I suppose the need to share opinions about matters which are not your own, is pervasive enough to be considered human nature." I gave her a soft look.

She watched me as though she wasn't sure what to say, and then wet her lips absently. I felt my fingers twitch. Thoughts of a quiet friendship were slowly dissolving inside my glass of wine. "Maybe."

I took a sip, attempting to pick out individual notes in its complex flavor. It was a rather unsuccessful distraction. "You disagree?"

"Nothing. It's a stupid thought."

"I have never heard you say anything that would qualify for such a label."

"When something's _'human nature'_ , it's always something I don't do." She seemed troubled by what she'd said.

I studied her for a moment. She was again expressing a feeling with which I was quite familiar. The feeling of being outside, different from others in a manner that fundamentally separated her from the perceived 'normal'. "Perhaps Natsuki is a more evolved breed."

She scoffed. "What am I? A dog?"

It was simply too good an opportunity to let pass without comment. "You would make a most adorable puppy."

"Oi!" Eyes snapped wide at the comment, but I merely smiled, losing myself momentarily in some delightful mental pictures. She pushed her body back against the booth and regarded me steadily for a few moments, her mouth quirking in contemplation. "How about something bad you've done."

This game was not one I wished to play. "Something bad?" There were so many things to choose from, but I didn't wish to share any of them.

"Something bad." She confirmed, looking as though she believed she'd bested me.

"Natsuki can go first."

"That's out of order!" She protested.

"I need a moment to think of an answer." Time was beginning to move slower so it made sense I would need longer…or was it the opposite, should I need less time? Which was backward?

"Must be tough being so nice." She said with a self-satisfied smirk that faded as she realized she had to reveal something herself. "Fine. You know that guy who was running the x-ray machine that night, Takeda?"

"Yes."

"I went to high school with him. He was the captain of the kendo team. He fell on top of me once, at a beach." A light blush took her cheeks and I had to will my hand not to touch her face.

I laughed at the abbreviated recollection, at how much information was missing from it. "How is it that he fell on top of you?"

"He fell off a rock... I surprised him I guess. I was changing out of my riding gear." The images this was producing made me reach for my wine again. Their interaction suddenly made much more sense.

"So Natsuki was partially naked on a public beach when he fell onto her?" This was a rather interesting story and he was a rather lucky man. "She is a closet exhibitionist, it would seem." There was no way that was true, but still, it was unexpected she would choose to change on a beach given the body shyness she displayed at work.

A glare was thrown at me. "It was an accident! And the beach is private."

I gentled my face. "Then I fail to see which part of this story was 'you being bad'."

"I snapped a kendo stick over his face after. I almost broke his nose." She scratched at her own nose, averting her gaze.

My eyes widened, even though I was somewhat amused. _Not so a lucky a man._ "That was a rather strong reaction." I tried to imagine what she might do if I ever did something as daringly foolish as kissing her? I was finding it suddenly difficult to control such thoughts in her presence; regardless of how close to rational I'd been in the restaurant.

"My temper was worse in high school."

I ran my thumb along the stem of my drink, drawn by the reflections of the light fixtures in the clear faceted glass. I was most definitely teetering on the edge of full-blown intoxication. That was not a good thing in the slightest, yet my mouth continued to respond to her. "We were all different people in high school."

"I bet you were Student Council President or something like that."

Somewhat chagrined, I let out a small, resigned chuckle. "I was." _So smug a look_. "I must admit, I'm curious. What is it that gave me away?"

"I don't know, the way you're so damn diplomatic and calm. Like you're presenting yourself."

What an unpleasant answer. "Does Natsuki find me to be disingenuous?"

"No." She gave me a funny look, drawing her booted feet up to sit cross-legged in the booth. "But you're careful with people."

I blinked slowly, tilting my head, feeling a frown take my lips. "Careful with people..." I did not think I had ever had someone describe the patterns they saw in my behavior to me, not in such a casual way. It was terribly uncomfortable.

"You're a private person, which I understand. There's a lot of stuff I don't want to talk about either. The difference is you're nice about it." She shrugged as though such an observation required no further thought. Her lips quirked to the side as she glanced at me almost shyly. My heart began to pound in response, and she must've sensed my unease. "Shizuru, if I'm saying something stupid, tell me to shut up."

I pushed out a smile, shaking my head lightly and swirling my wine, fingertips holding the rim of the bowl. There wasn't a chance I'd ever do that. "Natsuki wishes to know something bad that I've done… such an odd game she's invented."

"You don't have to." She said quietly, pretending as though it did not matter to her, again with that charming obviousness. Her eyes had fallen down to the table as she pushed at it with her finger. The openness she'd shown to me, it should be returned, but I could already feel my chest tightening beneath the slow, weighted grip of anxiety.

I closed my eyes, forcing out the first thing that came to mind. "In high school, I had something of a fan club. This group of younger girls who used to follow me around, doting on me, and buying me presents." I took a sip of my drink. "I would let them bring me lunches, do small things I did not feel like doing myself. They would do anything that I asked of them, simply because I asked, allow me anything at all that I wished." I considered looking her way, but I did not really want to know how she would react to such a thing. "I took advantage of that, of them, even if they were happy to let me. They acted as though anything was some wonderful gift I'd given them. That is my bad thing."

There was a beat of silence between us and I could not help myself as I stole a glance at her. Her forehead was dimpled, and her eyes were narrowed in reflection. I wondered how much of my meaning she'd truly caught, what she thought of me. "That must've been weird."

The expected unexpected response. There was no judgment in her tone. It was completely flat. "My college experience was similar."

"Your residents do it too, Shizuru." I knew this, but her knowing it was a different thing entirely. "Marguerite pretty much tore Yumemiya's throat out over you."

I looked at her curiously. "When was this?"

"That day they were fighting in my room. It pissed me off."

I raised my eyebrow. "Natsuki was defending my honor?"

She ignored my tease. "Yumemiya was trying, but they both should respect you enough not to talk about you like you're some damn toy they're trying to keep away from each other. You're their Attending. It undermines you professionally." That was a fascinating stance to take. "And it's weird."

Did I really want to ask? "Why is it 'weird'?"

"I didn't think a girl would be like that with another girl." I nodded slowly, feeling defeated even though there was no hope anyway. Now there arose the possibility that even revealing my preferences to her would be problematic. Both of our faces held a touch of pink. "I'm not saying we can't be shitty to each other, but I expected more." I had never encountered a person who voiced their thoughts so honestly, and with such colorful language. I still was not sure what she meant really.

"More in what sense?" I asked, confused, and concerned.

Her lips twitched. "That they wouldn't reduce you to some pretty thing they can just take for themselves." _Did she just call me pretty?_ I was being a shabby listener. At least what I thought she was speaking of initially, was incorrect. "Yumemiya's harmless. She'd have a crush on a tree if it flowered, but Marguerite, that girl _looks_ at you."

It was so interesting to me that she would notice something like that, for her to remark on it further astonished me. Tomoe-han _was_ far from covert in her interest. "And how does she _look_ at me?"

Her lips twitched as she frowned. "I don't have a word for it. I don't want one."

I was certain my eyes showed my surprise, but I melted it into a small smile, fingering the stem of my wine glass. From what I could gather, her upset came from the fact that she thought I was being objectified by my residents. For her to be bothered by that so intensely, as though it was some wrong they'd committed against me, I did not know what to think of that.

Her disappointment at the fact that women were capable of objectifying one another, I did not know what to think of that either. "Women are animals too Natsuki, even if we are generally more subtle."

She frowned bitterly. "It doesn't make you uncomfortable? It pisses me off and it's not even me." Despite the murkiness off my own feelings, I did find hers rather sweet.

"Yes and no I suppose. The fact that she is a woman does not make me uncomfortable." I observed her as I said this, noticing the slight shift in her posture, but still unsure what it meant. "The intention behind it is disquieting, the ethical issues associated with our respective positions aside."

"Disquieting?" There was no way she could recognize that it felt that way to me because of how deeply I understood such possessiveness.

I sighed again, closing my eyes. "Silly of me to complain about such things."

"I would hate it."

I was intrigued by the comment, more by the feeling behind it. "Would you?"

"It's people who don't even know you scratching at you for attention without bothering to even think about what you need."

"They mean well."

She rolled her eyes. "No, they don't."

Though somewhat jarring, it was oddly refreshing to be openly contradicted rather than immediately agreed with. "No?"

"Wanting you is different than wanting to know you."

Though I didn't disagree, there was an unusual degree of insight in her response. I was not used to being understood, not used to speaking about anything that mattered, and certainly not used to discourse over human nature with my drinks. Why I could speak so freely in her presence was a mystery to me. Those feelings perhaps… the wine possibly.

"What of someone who feels both?" Such a telling question, far too bold really. She stared at me as though she didn't understand what I'd asked. I had said it already, it was no use pretending. "Someone who both wants you and wants to know you?"

Her eyes fixed on her drink intently. "Most people don't want both."

"That is a bit pessimistic, is it not Natsuki?"

She smirked at me. "Realistic."

I honestly wanted to refute what she was saying, most likely because it resonated with me, because it felt true. Knowing me was always forgotten, unimportant when the prospect of sensual pleasure arose. Most were content with a beautiful lie, preferred it, and wasn't that thought much more pessimistic… and hypocritical. Who had I ever tried to know?

"It is experience speaking?"

A slight nod. "People were like that with me for a while. Before the piercings." Still that small smirk and she looked so cute, but there was sadness in her eyes. I questioned if that was her initial intention in getting the piercings, to keep people away.

"With a kendo stick, I would imagine you'd be quite frightening." She rolled her eyes toward me, playful annoyance seeping from the green of them. "It's not as though you have that many piercings."

She sipped at her wine. "I had a lot more when I was younger."

"Ara, Natsuki is such a rebel. What other holes has she made in her person?"

She blushed subtly, pressing her tongue against her cheek and I oddly considered poking it. "My lip… see right there and there," I could faintly make out small dimpled scars a little below her bottom lip on either side. I was struck by the idea of kissing them but was distracted by the movement of her finger as it slid across her soft-looking skin. "Two on my right eyebrow," She pointed at fainter scars. "My tongue …and I still have the one here," Her finger tapped the tiny flap of skin in front of her left ear, but I was too stuck on her tongue, maybe just her saying the word.

"Your tongue?" I wondered why the topic of her piercings, why her piercings themselves fascinated me. Perhaps it was because I had never befriended, let alone been interested in anyone with multiple piercings or tattoos. I had never given much thought to them before, but on her, they were quite alluring. It was hard not to feel somewhat girlish in my fascination with them, something of a movie cliché turned on end.

"It hurt like hell while it was healing and annoyed me, like this hard little thing stuck in my mouth." The memory caused her to lick at her teeth and cheeks lightly. I was struggling against myself mightily. My hands were gripping at the cushion of the bench so tightly. "I don't know why I kept the nose ring."

I forced myself calm and rested my chin on my palm, admiring her face briefly. "I'm glad you did." She flicked her hair away from her cheek, while I begged my mind to focus. "Does that complete the catalog of rebellion?"

"Pretty much." I stared at her questioningly, curious at the vague answer. "It kept Sakomizu busy anyway." She smirked to herself. I tried to imagine what she must have looked like through the swirling in my head before her statement sunk in.

"How is it you knew Sakomizu-han in high school?"

"He's my legal guardian. He worked with my mom." It was said softly, slowly. "When she was alive."

"Kanin-na." She shook her head, not looking at me.

"The watch was hers." When she slipped it off, handed it to me, her wrist tattoo was bared. I read the characters… _Saeko_. It was safe to assume then that Kuga Saeko was her mother. She must have been young when she passed if she needed a legal guardian.

"It is a beautiful piece. The piano in the lobby, is that your mother it is dedicated to?" I commented as I turned the watch around my fingers, appreciating the exposed mechanism in the face before handing it back.

She was grimacing again and looked toward the table. "The piano was a stupid idea."

I looked at her perplexed, but the pained expression in her eyes made me hesitant to press her. "You are still close with Sakomizu-han?"

She nodded. "He put up with a lot."

"I can imagine that teenage Natsuki was quite the handful." A wickedly attractive, fiery little handful, and I needed that water desperately. My head was started to feel rather heavy and the wine was catching up with me.

She laughed lowly. "He's lucky his afro didn't fall out." Scooting herself out of the booth, she eyed my empty glass. "You want anything?"

"Some water would be wonderful."

She shrugged and walked to the bar, leaning over it. My eyes fell to her backside, how it could be that symmetric and finely curved like it was sculpted as an example of perfection… simply beyond comprehension. And goodness, that was most definitely, inarguably an inappropriate thought. Her words bounced around in my head again. _Some pretty thing they can just take for themselves_. I was no better… so very, shamefully weak a person.

She slid back into her seat, a little closer than before, too close. A cool glass of water was pushed my way, another she kept. "Shizuru," Her voice wrapped around my name was so appealing and I wanted to close my eyes, wanted her to speak closer to my ear. "Are you okay?" _No, it seemed I was not._

"Of course." I smiled brightly at her, attempting to ignore the warmth radiating off her body, the press of her thigh against mine.

"I didn't get you drunk did I? You haven't been dodging questions." She said jokingly, but it was clear even in my current state that it was a legitimate inquiry.

My eyebrow popped up. "Were you attempting to?"

"No." _Do not giggle_ , I warned myself. She raised her eyebrow at me, a small amount of color on those wonderful cheeks, those _sweet cheeks._ It dawned on her I'd not answered the question. "Three's the limit?"

"Mm." I agreed, leaning my head back against the wall, trying to banish the feeling that it was floating. I rolled my neck toward her, gazing at her face. The visual world had acquired a scarcely detectable fluidity. Three…why did it felt like more?

I was met with suspicious eyes. "You're staring at me."

My tone was light and playful. "Mm," Was that hum really necessary? I thought not. "But Natsuki is simply too adorable not to look at." Had I tapped her nose? I had. It was difficult to resist though. She did not look pleased about it either. The vow to not touch her was forgotten it seemed. Was I that hopeless? Or was I simply stupid enough to drink too much with a woman who was completely ignorant of the fact she set me on fire?

She frowned. "You should eat something. Did you see anything you want?" That was not a question I should answer at the moment.

I rested my chin on my palm because my head seemed to be bothering my neck with its weight. "Did you, I wonder?"

Her eyes were darting back and forth. Was I making her nervous? More than likely. "I'm gonna order you something."

I tried to rein myself in. "Perhaps something sweet, as we've already eaten dinner."

"Something sweet." She escaped with a nod to place the order and I let my eyes close, taking a mouthful of water.

"Always so thoughtful," I commented as she sat back down.

"You don't have to work tomorrow, do you?" As if she needed to apologize for my own idiocy. Why did she look so guilty though?

"I do not." What time was it? "Which is just as well, because I haven't felt much like working lately." Where had that jewel of a statement come from?

She looked at me, smirking and cautious at once. It was so, fitting, that expression on her as if her lips were made for it. "No?"

"Not in the least." I continued like a fool.

"So, what do you wanna do then?" She asked, watching me as though she were afraid of the answer. I was as well.

I took another sip of water, having no idea what would emerge from the spinning depths of my mind. Neither my brain nor my lips were sharing their plans with me.

"Something different. Too much of life is tedium, I think. All of the passion gets mired in obligation and ordinary… an unending procession of supposed to's and lying proprieties and manufactured smiles. Something different would be nice, something messy and guiltlessly freeing and not so oppressively same." I could not have repeated what I'd spoken, the words fell out of my head as soon as they left my lips, like some bizarre attempt at late-night philosophy. I could only hope that it made any sense at all. From her face, it appeared it had not. "Kanin-na, it seems my mouth has run away with me. Perhaps that made no sense."

"No, you make sense Shizuru." She corrected, but her face remained as it had before unsure and speculative. The silent study continued, green turning me inside out until I met her gaze and crafted a smile. Her eyes fell back to the table and I let myself breathe. "Next time we go out, I'll stop you at two, but you can't call me adorable again." She gave me a bit of a glare, which made me smile. Were we already discussing a next time?

I folded my arms on my lap and then smiled playfully at her, trying to rid myself of the shakiness I felt. We kept bouncing between seriousness and playfulness. It was disorienting at the same time that it was enjoyable. "I can make no such promise when you insist on looking the way you do."

"Shizuru!" She rolled her eyes, embarrassed but clearly a little amused before she began scrutinizing me. "I honestly can't tell if you're drunk. Your face looks the same."

I laughed, closing my eyes. The water was just beginning to help, but I was likely to need another glass. "I suppose I should be flattered. I am certainly not sober. You handle your alcohol far better than I do."

When I opened them, I saw an expression of guilt flash across her face. "I only had two. One at the restaurant, and this. I poured you more wine. It might have been closer to four." Her current glass was half empty. One and a half to nearly four? That was hardly fair. I stared at her, mystified, and waiting for an explanation. "I have to drive and I had no idea you were such a lightweight!" She defended.

"Then perhaps we should find a way to secure me to the seat before I float up to the ceiling?"

"Like a stick of pocky." She mumbled to herself and I did not understand the reference at all. I would have been much more satisfied with her sitting in my lap to keep me down, but wisely kept that to myself. She gave a smile, one that was real and oddly gentle and strikingly gorgeous as our eyes met. She was watching me so intently, eyes creeping down to glance at my mouth again and so I looked at hers. It was predictably a mistake.

"Shizuru?" The way her lips moved when she said my name, was wonderful to observe. I was so lost in it, that it startled me when two fingers lifted my chin so we were looking at each other again. "Hey." Something was funny to her, it seemed.

"Hello."

She shook her head, laughing little puffs of air escaping as she dropped those fingers. "I had fun tonight."

I felt a genuine smile of my own come break slow across my face. "I believe I may have told Natsuki this already, but at the risk of sounding repetitious, I very much enjoy her company."

"I like yours, so it works."

"Yes, it works." I agreed, wishing desperately she'd kiss me and we could see how that worked instead. _Oh, that was inexcusable, terrible really._ I'd lost my wit.

The dessert was laid out on the table, a trio of small, delicious-looking dishes. I took a piece of some sort of fruit-based cheesecake that melted on my tongue, silky and rich and smooth, passion fruit it tasted like. This was not helping. Then I remembered Alyssa's note, there was a chocolate dish, wasn't there? I prepared myself for the wagging tail.

"You're not driving tonight." She commented, taking a bit of what looked to be a dark chocolate ganache on her fork.

"If Natsuki wishes to come home with me, she only has to ask."

"Idiot," She said quietly and glared, before taking the fork into her mouth and I nearly winced in anticipation. I expected a heart-swelling burst of happiness to overcome her countenance as it had in Alyssa's drawing, but that was _not_ what happened. The change was profound and sudden and I died watching her lids glide closed as she tasted it. Her shoulders and brow settling down like liquid, as the experience took her. A whole-body exhale preceded her lips pressing against each other, her eyes opening lazily, green slightly unfocused. I was speechless. It would seem she liked it and it would seem I very much enjoyed watching her like it.

A dark eyebrow rose warily as her expression became more subdued. "Did you want some?"

 _Yes, I did._ With aching intensity… yet I shook my head, smiled, took a sip of my water, gripping the glass rather firmly. There was a prayer kept just behind my lips, a plea to whatever deities existed that I could be that bit of dessert for just a moment. Instead, I lifted my body from the booth and excused myself. I went to the restroom and leaned against the closed door, caught my breath, pressing hands chilled from holding my water to the heated skin of my neck. This was friendship and this was self-restraint, a self-imposed agony heavily spiced with some of the most delicious anguish I'd ever experienced.

No touching… no alcohol… and most especially no chocolate. Three rules for friendship with Natsuki from here on.

**Digression #17: Sakomizu Kaiji** **  
Date: December 22nd, 2013 … a Sunday**

****

To say that Sakomizu Kaiji was unprepared for life with a teenage girl would have been an understatement. He knew without a doubt, after Saeko's passing, he would volunteer himself in this way because he wanted Saeko's daughter to be with someone who cared, and he'd known her since she was a baby… since before she'd even been born. He was so in love with her mother, so inalterably, hopelessly in love that there still did not pass a day where something or someone did not draw her memory from him. Kaiji had asked her out in every way he could think of, tried every romantic notion that occurred to him, but she was always so completely focused on her work, on her daughter. And then there was Edward Searrs.

Natsuki's father was a useless, waste of a human being as far as he was concerned. Not that he would ever say such a thing to her, but the man's treatment of her mother was unforgivable. That handsome, overly serious Englishman… how he'd just come in and captured her interest, not even recognizing the value of what he was being given. Then he up and left like Saeko was nothing. It shouldn't have angered him the way it did when Searrs had sent Natsuki back like a sweater that didn't fit some ten years later, even after all she'd been through. He should not have been surprised.

Kaiji liked to believe it was kismet that brought Natsuki and him together. She'd changed him for the better, gave his life a direction and meaning it hadn't had before. It made Saeko's otherwise senseless death tolerable, to think that it was part of some predetermined plan, that it was an inevitability. He, of course, would never say that Natsuki either.

He didn't try to be a father to her. She was too old for that, but he'd tried his best to be there for her. He read all sorts of books on the subject of parenting none of which seemed to ever apply to his particular situations and all of which provided advice that Natsuki promptly and thoroughly ignored. He found in the end, his best chance at succeeding was to merely talk to her about whatever was going on. She was a guarded girl, made more so by her mother's death. He taught her the things he could, how to keep a plant alive, how to properly cook bacon, how to manage the money her father sent, he'd even surprised her when he showed her how to change the oil on her beloved bike. Kaiji had also kept Saeko's house, done the landscaping, the gardening, hired someone to clean it every now and then until she was ready to live there. One of her friends had done so for a few months at Natsuki's behest, but she herself hadn't been inside until last year. Before that he found himself beginning to wonder if she would ever use the property or if it would be too much for her, but it was not something he'd push her on. He always found some other improvement to make in the meantime. His last project had been nursing a plum tree in the front yard back to life.

So many moments between them had happened at the table where they sat now. The first had been when he'd attempted to have "the talk" with Natsuki. They hadn't been together all that long when it happened. He could still remember sitting against a locked bathroom door, holding a grocery bag full of feminine hygiene products he'd convinced his neighbor to buy for him, none of which he knew anything about. Kaiji was holding a few pamphlets he'd printed from the internet in a sweaty hand… while trying desperately to push down his natural masculine revulsion at the idea of menses enough to actually speak to her. When he'd finally convinced her to come out, they'd sat at this very table in the same seats and he'd slid a pamphlet emblazoned with pink and purple butterflies called "So You're a Woman Now" toward her. It had deteriorated from that point.

There was also the time he'd swallowed every ounce of hatred he felt for her father and convinced her to fly to England to meet her new half-sister. He did so because he'd seen the spark of curiosity in her eyes when she'd found out. A baby sister, the prospect of blood relation, a chance to have someone who was true family… Kaiji could see the idea spinning inside her mind, pulling to the surface yearnings she'd never mentioned to him, but made complete sense. The entire time she was gone he'd worried, sat at this table by himself, thinking quietly and wondering if Edward Searrs would be able to cast his spell over her too? If Natsuki would ever return. She did of course, even if she kept visiting her sister, did an exchange program, but she always came back.

He could remember clearly when she brought that boy over for dinner the first time. They were all a mess of nerves. Would Saeko have liked him? He thought so. He could find nothing about the boy not to like, except that it didn't seem like love to him. Not romantic love anyway, but what did he know? Kaiji had said to himself after they left… _he's not the one_ … but Natsuki had always been so hard to read. It could be that she was embarrassed to show it around him, but her eyes said nothing. There was nothing there that was any different when she looked at that boy than when she looked at her redheaded friend…either one of her redheaded friends. He just hoped she was happy.

More recently, he recalled her in that seat holding a plastic medicine container, glancing at him the way she did when she was about to say something he wouldn't enjoy hearing.

"What happened?" She asked.

"It was a mild heart attack. They needed to do a triple bypass." He said quietly.

"Damn it! Why didn't you call me?"

"I know you're busy at school. I was only in the hospital for a few days, Natsuki."

She was frowning. "I'm not that busy Sakomizu."

"Those are the results of the tests they did, I knew you'd ask for them." He pointed to the folded papers on the table. She read them quickly, as he adjusted his glasses.

"This is bad." She looked at him, her brows pushed together.

"I know."

She'd gotten up and knelt by the sink, pulling a plastic garbage bag free back from the box he kept there, her movements controlled, but her face marred by a scowl.

"Natsuki, what are you doing?"

She didn't answer, merely opened up the cabinets and began throwing away all of his best snacks. He watched the massacre, aghast and heartbroken as his candy fell victim as well.

"Be reasonable." He pleaded as she opened the freezer, going directly for the ice cream. He began to see the nervousness in her quick tosses, the frantic way her eyes darted about.

"You gotta promise me you won't buy all this crap again." She said and he recognized the hurt beneath the harshness of her voice as she leaned her hand on the refrigerator. "I'll come here and make you dinner on the weekends. I can make it for the week or something. Mai will teach me, just… we'll fix this."

Standing up, he walked over to her. Those beautiful green eyes, the ones that were all her mother met his own and they were uncharacteristically dark with worry.

"You have to eat better. I'll do it with you, I'll do it too." She said, the crisp edge of panic making her naturally deep voice sharper. "I can bring Duran by and we'll walk."

With a sigh, he reached in the freezer beside her, pulling out the last container of frozen heaven. He nodded at her, startled when she pulled him into an awkward hug. Tightening his lips against the emotion he felt, he returned the embrace, careful not to hold the cold dessert still in his hand against her back.

"Why don't we go grocery shopping before you head back? You can help me pick things out." He said, not mentioning the moisture he saw on her cheek when she pulled away, nodding. With a resigned smile, he tossed the ice cream into the trash bag.

That was years ago now. He had quite honestly expected it to be hell on earth and it was. All one hundred and twenty-three pounds had been a battle. They both struggled at first, but she stayed with it and with him, kept them on track. Now it was a combination of a few different diets they'd tried, mostly fish and raw plant-based foods. They'd agreed to still go out once a month and he looked forward to those meals, marked them on his calendar.

Tonight, Natsuki was sitting across from him at his kitchen table yet again. She looked much more like her mother now that she'd taken out a few of the piercings and let her hair return to its natural black. The icy rain was heavy and hard as it hit the roof and her hair was wet from walking in. He hoped she understood what she was doing in all this.

"How did you even get in touch with Smith?" She had met with them last night, looked as though she hadn't slept at all.

Natsuki had picked his brain over the years, bits and pieces of the story of Saeko's research, an insatiable curiosity for it. That she had another laboratory assistant before Homura, he's let that slip once and he was sure the girl had tracked him down too. He should have taken the files from Saeko's room. He should have never left them for her to find. How many nights had she been up reading through those documents, he wondered?

"I didn't." She said quietly. "They approached me."

"What did he give you?"

She flipped through the documents. "Phone conversations and e-mails and protocol notes…Homura."

He peered over. "They gave you Homura? Why would they do that?"

"He rigged the studies Sakomizu. Did you know about the PPD trials?"

"It was his pet project before Saeko picked him up, something about increasing their sensitivity so they were accurate for active tuberculosis only. For use on vaccinated patients." What did that have to do with anything?

"It was all a cover. It was never for tuberculosis testing at all, it was HiME. When it came up positive it meant the HiME serum injection was successful. It just looked like a positive PPD, which you would expect in anyone who was vaccinated. So, they take a chest x-ray and it comes out clean. No tuberculosis and they forget about the positive completely. Look at this…"

He scanned the page. "It's a stronger concentration of the original HiME serum using a more aggressive viral vector. Where did you get this?"

"That was Homura's _'tuberculin'_. Smith gave it to me."

"How would he have even made this?"

"He created this 'Biological Materials Recycling Program'. He's been harvesting tissue to test it on through the hospital. He slipped this consent form in for most surgeries at the hospital and all research studies. It has a clause in it. He doesn't have to justify it to anyone. The samples and excised material just become 'hospital property to be managed by the director of the Biological Material's Recycling Program'. Guess who that is?" The look in her eyes was so concerning, the spark of revenge, of justification… but if what she was saying was true…

"Why would he make it?"

"The original study protocol has a PPD as part of the workup, which wouldn't raise any eyebrows. He switched the tuberculin with his HiME serum I think. My mom kept the lot numbers for the injections. Half the lot numbers on the official documents are wrong. Only half are lots for the purchased tuberculin. The notes and the official protocols aren't the same either, Alyssa figured out the difference. The official one says they injected tuberculin, but the protocol notes that Smith gave me and the lot numbers say it was HiME. He must have just trashed half the actual tuberculin. He gave the control group this stronger version of HiME and the test group the regular tuberculin. He also used an older version of the injected HiME serum for the test group instead of what was listed. That, I don't get. The protocol notes are different for those too."

"You have Alyssa on this?"

"I told her to stay out of it! She's stubborn."

"Imagine that." She gave him a light glare. "What was the older version?"

"Homura used HiME 12 with the test group instead of the listed HiME 18."

"HiME 12?" Suddenly he was quite worried. He was under the impression all the HiME 12 was disposed of.

"Yeah."

"… is it still being used?"

"I don't know. I need to see the most recent protocols. That's the last piece. I have to know if he's still doing it." She paused. "Sakomizu, what's HiME 12?"

"It was a failed version. It ended up killing nearly all the test mice." He responded barely above a whisper. This was unbelievable, it made almost no sense.

Her eyes widened. "I need you to step down, let Homura take the Department Chair position."

Natsuki's words sunk in. "You plan to do something with this don't you?"

She was quiet for quite some time. "I think I understand what Homura was doing. Whatever he wanted to see was only in the control group. So, he was just using the test group as a distraction. The protocol on the studies specifies only terminal patients."

"You're saying that you think he's deliberately killing members of the test groups?"

"You said it yourself, it killed all the mice. I bet the first time was to get my mom out of the way and to test HiME on the control group. He used the HiME 12 on the second group too, probably so there could be a third trial. You use terminally ill patients, you can never say the serum killed them."

He watched her carefully. "Natsuki, what you're saying, he would have to be crazy and it would all be incredibly illegal."

"It worked, didn't it? It's all here."

Kaiji chose his words. "Have you considered why Smith contacted you? Think about it, why wouldn't they just take care of him themselves?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter. Smith oversees all research at Iwasaka and Fuuka Hospital, there was no way they didn't know about this. If they gave you Homura, it's because they want him out. Why do think they want him gone?"

"I don't care. It's not about that, it's about justice."

"But why?"

"He deserves to be nailed to the wall."

Kaiji reached out, touched her arm. "Maybe so, but what about after this?"

"Once I get the last piece, I'm gonna give it to someone who can do something with it."

"Who does Homura take with him though?"

" _Not you_. That's why I need you to step down." She watched him. "Did you know, Sakomizu?"

"Know what?" She pushed a page toward him entitled 'Approval for Study'. It was the first of the HiME trials. At the bottom were quite a few signatures, one of which read 'Kuga Saeko'.

"You didn't know." She sighed.

He pushed the page away. "Listen to me, she's exactly who you thought she was. You can't know what she was thinking Natsuki. Homura's incredibly persuasive and a manipulator. I knew Saeko. Your mother wouldn't have approved this if she knew."

She swallowed hard, looking at him and he met her eyes confidently. Sighing deeply, she nodded slowly.

**Aside #17: That Time With the Pocky** _(Memory)_

Green eyes were steadily fixed on a candy stick held tightly between an index finger and thumb. The biscuit wobbled slightly against the tight grip and it made dark eyebrows draw together worriedly.

Across the floor, a redheaded girl who was tapping at a controller furiously became annoyed by the distracting intensity of it. "What the hell are you doing pup?"

The left hand, the unoccupied one, shot out toward the voice. "Shut up, I'm concentrating."

"…on what? The damn pocky?" The hand was batted away with a quick slap before fingers returned to their button mashing. "And get your hand out of my face you moron."

"Kuga…" A puff of smoke rolled from his mouth and he breathed it back in, holding it before releasing it to the air. "You okay?"

"Both of you, goddamn it! Stop talking!" Those eyes flashed with agitation as they fixed even more intently on the stick.

The controller was placed on the floor. "Put that thing down or eat it already, it's your turn."

"Are you crazy?"

"… no, are you?" Nao shifted her jaw.

"I can't let it go!" Black eyebrows crowded even closer together. She was clearly upset by the suggestion.

"Why the hell not?"

"It would hit the ceiling!"

A blank stare and a raised red eyebrow met the pronouncement.

Tate set Nao's pipe on the table and climbed off the couch to kneel beside the girl. He began a visual inspection of the pocky. "I think it would just fall Kuga. That's what happens when I drop stuff. "

"Tate don't touch it!" She barked, alarmed and he drew his hand back immediately. "What if I let it go?"

"Shit. Sorry." He mumbled, covering his mouth with both hands before a bout of confusion settled down on him. "Why didn't the other ones float?"

She was puzzled for a moment, but it passed quickly. "It must be because this is the last one." He seemed skeptical and continued eying the biscuit stick.

Reaching for the pipe, Nao tapped out the spent remains. "The pup can't handle this, apparently." Perhaps Natsuki had been right on some instinctual level in refusing to smoke with them before… this was a little ridiculous. The girl was naturally suspicious and paranoid. It wasn't all that shocking with how much they'd smoked, she'd gone a little nuts. A hand flipped in the air, dismissively. "Just let it go."

A horrified look took the dark-haired girl's face. "I can't! It'll go straight up in the air if I drop it."

Flopping onto her back on the sofa, she glanced over at the two forms huddled around the pocky. "So when did gravity stop working?"

Natsuki shook her head, annoyed that the redhead was being so obtuse. "It didn't stop. That's stupid Nao. This is basic physics."

"You must've skipped too many fucking science classes." She rolled her eyes dramatically.

"Shut up! I'm trying to hold onto it."

Sighing, she tried a different approach. "Who cares if it hits the ceiling?"

"Are you serious? How the hell are we gonna get it down? Think about it." She tapped her temple with her left forefinger for emphasis.

So maybe this was all a little funny. Nao could feel the smirk on her lips. "So what… you're just gonna hold it all night?"

"If I have to!"

Tate's eyes had been darting between them, looking a bit sleepy. He decided this whole thing was silly. He decided that he didn't really care if the pocky was stuck on the ceiling and that he shouldn't be wasting how he felt worrying about it, not when there were zombies to kill. "Let it go and we'll just eat it when it decides to come back down." He remarked, pleased with his own sound reasoning, picking up the controller. Tate resumed the game where Nao had left it, leaving the girls to quarrel about the candy stick.

Crawling off the couch, the redhead made her way on all fours over to the girl sitting on the floor. A dangerous glint came to her eyes. "Drop it Kuga." She whispered, close to her ear.

An expression of worry met the quiet request. "No."

Nao made her voice syrupy sweet. "Come on pup, I say it falls, you say it floats… let's see who's right."

Natsuki bit her lip, forehead wrinkling, shaking her head in the negative.

Lips curled higher and her voice dropped further in pitch. "Drop it."

"No way!" Her hand was beginning to tremble, she could feel the pocky wanting to be released, responding to her friend's seductive tone.

"Drop it…unless you're scared."

"I'm not scared, damn it!" She swallowed.

"Aw, you are scared." Green eyes narrowed. "It's okay. I'll protect you from the scary ceiling pocky."

"Fine! I'll do it. Just shut up!" Clenching her eyes, she took a deep breath in, before finally releasing her grip. The sound of laughter forced them back open, and Natsuki stared at the ceiling, scanning it almost frantically. Nothing. Her eyes dropped and there, in front of her, lay the stick… on the ground… unmoving. It was totally impossible…earth-shattering… and she was shocked into silence.

"Damn Kuga. You really thought it would fly didn't you?" Nao was snickering.

Picking up the stick, she laid it on her open palm, head weaving slowly to the right, lip pulled between her teeth. She let it go one more time only to see it plummet to the ground again. She stared at the piece of food with a hurt expression. It had betrayed her… the pocky had lied to her. It was the first and last time Kuga Natsuki had ever gotten high.


	18. Bad Day, Midori, and Badly Drawn

**Narrative #18: A Bad Day**   
**Date: February 20** **th** **, 2014 … a Thursday**

Today had been a particularly bad day. It was the type of day one might attribute to a full moon, where everything went slightly wrong and people were unduly irritable. When coupled with the unpleasant lunch I'd shared with Homura-han, it gave me reason to wish this day would simply end. Apparently, my recruitment responsibilities for the HiME study had been doubled. Though there was a monetary incentive, I found it impossible to be excited. Money had never been of any particular interest to me outside of its necessity and I disliked the fact that my responsibilities were being so drastically altered. Now there would be little to no time for me to spend with the Residents. More than likely this meant I would be their preceptor in name only.

Why I continued to work on HiME had been the question plaguing me since these changes came to light. Perhaps the answer was only that I'd agreed to do so and it was therefore ingrained in me to see it through. There was also the fact that withdrawing from the project would more than likely require me to tenure my resignation, which I did not want to do for yet another reason I could not quite pinpoint. Perhaps it was abject laziness… that in the midst of the strange unrest these past few months had sown in me, I simply could not be bothered with the headache finding a new job would bring.

I also was working to convince myself that my reluctance to walk away from the project had nothing to do with the fact that since our dinner, Natsuki had been staying late in my office one to two nights a week, scouring through HiME protocols and snacking contentedly on whatever she'd filled her tin with that particular night. Generally, we did not speak much during these sessions. I had another lecture approaching and absurd amounts of paperwork to sift through in any case. It was enjoyable to just be in her presence… it always was. Every so often she'd stop, throw some random topic out for discussion and I would find some way to make her blush. Better were the times when she'd pause to send me a nearly imperceptible smile with no discernable cause. I had not been able to bring myself to question what she was searching for in the information she so carefully poured over, though I was curious. I thought I understood her well enough by now to know that she would share if she wished to. Her last two visits had surprised me, as she'd not opened my computer. We'd simply talked...one night for six hours. It was odd from a rational standpoint but did not feel that way in the slightest.

We'd also taken to walking over to Mai-han's shop in the evenings that she stayed late. They knew each other so well that Natsuki did not even have to say what she wished to eat. Her friend would get the most fascinating look of mischief on her face while she readied our meal. These visits mostly consisted of Mai-han and I chatting, while Natsuki attempted to ignore that strange look on the red-headed woman's face. More often than not, we'd find Reito there helping to close the shop and Natsuki did make an effort to be social with him. I tried not to enjoy how awkward their conversations were, her one-word answers to his congenial responses that fell flat. They were like adolescents at a school dance, that necessary space between them always. It was rather sweet… so many unusual things were rather sweet to me where she was concerned. I did not get the impression either disliked the other, which I was thankful for… but it did seem to frustrate them, one more noticeable than the other. Mai-han seemed to be entertained by watching them as well, although it was evident she wished them to get along. The second time I'd lost myself in observing their odd attempt at conversing, I turned to see the shopkeeper leaning over the counter doing much the same thing, a bit of hope in her eyes. Her boyfriend and her best friend… I could understand it certainly.

 _Ara_ … it was so new to think of Reito as anyone's boyfriend. He was by no means a boy… but a manfriend was not a thing, nor did I think it should be. It caused an annoying, tiny, and completely unwelcome ache inside me to see Reito and Mai-han affectionate with one another. They were never over the top and there was still a bit of hesitance there. The casual way he could touch her hand, kiss her cheek or lips goodbye… it was unexpectedly difficult for me to see. He noticed it, of course, tried to be discreet which made me feel all the more ashamed. I was not unhappy for his happiness by any means. I loved that he'd found someone and a woman of character at that… but it was just… complicated I supposed… or nonsensical perhaps… or it was far simpler than I wanted to admit. Likely the truth was that I was jealous of their having something I wished for myself but knew I should not have. I had no right to feel the way I did, to imagine that I would have that with Natsuki. How much I felt for her, thought of her, wanted her… it was in constant opposition to my self-control. I had already taken more than I had permission for from her. Not her best friend or in my most foolish wishes, her girlfriend… just a friend that she happened to spend unusual amounts of time with. I could not be depressed about that because I enjoyed what we did have, especially the comfort that existed when it was just the two of us. This was what I wanted, was it not? A friendship... it was what we had. The problem was that none of our strangeness, none of the hurt it brought, nor the opposing contentedness or warmth she evoked did anything to numb my feelings for her.

I had not seen Alyssa Tuesday nor Natsuki today, which added to the day's unpleasantness. I had listened to the iPod she'd given me, her voice and it was still bizarre to me to imagine that it came from her.

With a deep breath, I turned the lock in my hand. Exhaustion slowed my movements as I pulled the bit of metal away and opened my locker.

"Fujino-sensei." I let my eyes close slowly, hoping Tomoe would not be there when I opened them. Unfortunately, she was and closer.

"Tomoe-han. You are here rather late this evening, are you not?" I commented as she worked at the combination lock across the way.

"The case I was in ran long, but it was a good learning opportunity." She smiled at me and I began to feel slightly concerned for no reason I could pinpoint, a sense that something was off. We were, for all intents and purposes, alone. At the opposite end of the locker room, I could faintly make out the sound of a shower running… but that was quite a distance, no one would hear our conversation. Her clothes were placed on the bench. "I feel like we keep missing each other during the day."

"I'm sure Armitage-sensei has been to see you," I answered evenly. We did keep missing each other. It was by design.

"She did that last case with me, but she's no substitute." I did not react to her, not when she spoke, or when she began stripping off her scrub top. "My days are always better when I get to see you." She turned, hands untying the strings at her waist, and looked directly at me. My body began to tingle, my mind turned solid as they dropped to the floor. All expression slipped away from me. I became blank and unexpressive to mask my discomfort… a calm, neutral face. "I just want to spend more time with my Sensei. I learn so much when I'm with you." I gazed across at her, easily reading the thoughts I did not want her to have in her eyes. This needed to stop.

"You should hurry home, Tomoe-han. It will do no good for you to be tired tomorrow. The caseload is high if I recall correctly." I closed my eyelids, attempting to ignore what played in the darkness behind them.

"If it means I get to talk to you, I don't care." This was definitely crossing some sort of line, I could feel the heat of her body resultant of nearness. My own responded, tightening and the desire that came to me when we spoke to one another, to find words to express the things I knew that she did not, to explain to her everything that was wrong with what she was doing… it nipped at me. I would not have listened to me when I was younger though. I only sometimes listened to myself now and so would it not be foolish to expect her to listen now? "I miss you, Shizuru." _That she would call me by my first name…_

"Is it proper that you would address me in such a way, I wonder?" I gave her a steady look, my tone as blank as my face.

She turned her eyes away briefly before they slowly drifted back to mine. "I'm sorry Fujino-sensei. I know it's not, but I can't help it." Perhaps I should have paid more attention to this situation. I'd been ignoring it, hadn't I? Natsuki's words… 'that girl _looks_ at you' … they floated back. Haruka had said something about it as well. We'd fought over it. Why hadn't I concerned myself with this at all? Because I was distracted… because I'd wanted to be distracted. All I'd wanted for months was a distraction and this had reached a level that it should not have. "Fujino-sensei…I'm in love with you." She whispered and I made my face stone. "I knew from the moment I saw you, when you lectured at Guaderobe, that there was something special about you. I came here for you." The admission shook me because that would have been three years ago. I'd participated in the symposium at the school only once. "The way that you smile at me…I can see it Sensei."

The intensity of her eyes, the proximity of her made my skin feel as though it were gathering in sharp points. Her presence felt portentous and it held me to the floor. "What you wish to have with me… it cannot happen, Tomoe-han."

She shook her head, biting her lip but the bashfulness did not reach her eyes. They were as bold as they always were, drawing across my body… raking and digging. "I think about you all the time. I know it's wrong, but I would still do anything, Sensei… anything to make you mine." She reached out to touch my hand and I could see all the things she thought were true swimming in her eyes.

I moved my hand away, slowly, trying to capture her attention beneath the strange haze that settled over her. "Tomoe-han, I think it would be best if we requested a switch for your Residency."

She smiled at me even though she was clearly not pleased. "I don't want that."

"It would be best." I insisted, still fixing my gaze to catch hers, to show my seriousness. "I am your preceptor Tomoe-han. Our relationship must remain professional, you should understand nothing will happen between us."

"So if I left then this wouldn't be improper! We could be together." I blinked back my surprise at the response.

Switching to a more formal address, I attempted again. "Marguerite-han, you misunderstand." I couldn't quite find a word for the look in her eyes either. It was as if she could not even see my face, hear what I was saying… a sort of strange, empty admiration that was so out of place… as though we were speaking sweet things to one another, as though she were talking some other version of me entirely.

She smiled at me almost gently, but there was a hardness there that spilled from the corners of her eyes like tears. "Please don't call me that. I know you have to say what you're saying Sensei. It has a be a secret for now, but..." Another move toward me, and her voice so quiet... "Do I really have to keep waiting?"

I blanketed my growing unease with as much calm as I could pull from my toes. "You should go home Marguerite-han."

Her face fell for a moment, but then that same look returned. "It's just me now. You don't have to lie to anyone. I can have you for a moment, can't I?"

In all honesty, I hadn't the slightest idea what to do. If I could make it clear that I wanted her to leave, maybe it would break through. "I want you t-" Her hand touched my lips.

"I know." The whispered air passed across my mouth not a second before she replaced her fingers with lips. I was shocked beyond measure, unresponsive and absolutely frozen in place when she leaned in, pressed her nearly naked body against mine. Her hands grabbed my wrists with a firmness that further stunned me, forced them back against the metal of the lockers. The gnawing panic in my throat scattered across my chest and my mind further retreated from the intrusive press of her mouth, her skin. I went limp ... _Why wasn't I stopping this? Why wasn't I moving? Why wasn't I speaking?_

"WHAT'S THIS?" Haruka's piercing voice shattered the thick silence. Tomoe did not jump off of me as I expected her to, but rather slithered off of me, unperturbed, and touched my face. I caught her hand, surprised that I had moved, feeling outside of myself completely. Yet she slipped her fingers from my weak grip slowly, as though I'd meant it as a caress. She gave me a blushing smile while I tried to slow my racing heart, to contain an anxiousness so intense that it felt as though it were lifting my skin from lame muscles. As my mind seemed to sink back into itself, I noticed my hands were quite unsteady. Utterly embarrassed, I folded my arms and gripped my elbows tightly to hide their tremble. Haruka was still standing motionless in the doorway adjacent to the lounge, eyes, and expression burning. I did not know how much she'd seen but knew it must've been enough. "WELL?" She nearly screamed at us.

"We were having a private discussion Armitage-sensei," Tomoe commented, walking over toward her clothes, movements smooth, unapologetic. Haruka's eyes nearly bulged out of her head and she moved fully inside the locker room.

"I'm afraid we were not, Marguerite-han." I corrected, my voice as even as I could make it and her gray eyes swirled dangerously. There I saw the delusions beneath what she thought she felt. She had obviously expected me to side with her. We all descended into an awkward silence as she finished dressing, Haruka's glare burning a hole in her head. Tomoe glanced over at me one last time, wounded and I kept my face from moving at all. I wanted to pull at her foundation, the way my own experiences had mine...to show her what would come of such obsessions… but I did not know the way. How would I have reached me? Who could have reached me back then…

"You're so cold." The hurt as she whispered those words to me, drew a pang of guilt from me. Not because I had caused her pain, but for reasons that I did not entirely understand.

The girl had professed to be in love with me… stolen a kiss …or was it stolen? I'd let it happen, hadn't I? Was it then something I'd been a part of? I could have pushed her off, but I'd been so startled both by her and by my own reaction to it. It was so fast at the same time that it seemed to go on forever. I found myself shaken by the thought of what Tomoe and I had in common...the possibility that I had made someone feel the way she was making me feel simply because I was in love with them… that I too had once ignored signs and words to see only what I wished to. The pins holding me down were loosened by her yet again. Her presence lifted reality and stirred it about, made it difficult to discern what was correct and what was not. She thought she loved me and love was madness for her. I could not, at this moment, consider what that meant for me.

Violet eyes swiveled my way, questioning and angry. Yet another lecture and that finger seemed a perfect cap to the day's events though… appropriate even.

"GO MARGUERITE. NOW!" The blonde woman yelled at Tomoe as she lingered and the girl shot her one last hate-filled stare before she exited. Haruka turned toward me and her voice settle down to just above its regular level of harshness, edges eroded by what seemed to be disbelief. "What are you doing?!" I could not think of a single thing to say. "She's one of our residents."

"Is she?" It went past my lips unchecked. I wasn't certain I could interact with her constructively at the moment.

Her eyes widened impossibly further. "This isn't a joke, Fujino! How could you just stand there and let her do that to you?"

I looked at her coldly, so tired of her voice, of her finger near my face. "There is no reason for you to worry yourself with this, Haruka. The issue is mine to resolve, is it not?"

She followed me, grabbed my arm as I was walking away. "You're _not_ resolving it! I don't have a clue why. It's not like you can't take care of this. You can do anything, can't you? Everything always comes so easy to you."

I stopped, my body stiffening as I pushed down bubbling bits of resentment. I had understood that she felt that way, but I wanted to argue with her, to point my finger in her face. I did neither, but what was easy for me in this? Nothing felt easy. So much of my life had gelled and I had to force my way through it. In Natsuki's presence was the only time I felt at ease anymore and it was so painfully complicated. Complicated and easy… how was that even possible? I refocused and Haruka was studying me hard, looking oddly upset.

"What is it about _that girl_ , Shizuru?"

My gaze felt so hard, but my voice stayed even, a lie of a smile coming to my lips. "Kanin-na, but despite how easy things usually come, an answer is escaping me at the moment." The passive-aggressive deflection seemed to throw her into an absolute fit.

"YOU CAN'T KEEP IGNORING THIS! SHE'S GOING TO GET YOU FIRED!" Her voice nearly echoed through the locker room. There was angry desperation in her eyes that puzzled me. How could it matter to her so much? "We need to fix this. She can't stay here." She pulled at the neck of her jacket as we watched each other, her face was pink and a light sheen glistened on her forehead. Despite my current state, I wondered briefly if she was ill.

Frustrated fingers fiddled with the zipper of her jacket, which appeared to be stuck. She tugged at it restlessly, furiously, clawing like an animal, her attention pulled completely away from our conversation. After one more second of my confused observation, the last thing on earth I would have predicted happened. A sound I barely recognized escaped from her, something much like an anguished sniffle, and then she dissolved into tears. I could only stare at her for the first few moments of it. "This zipper is broken!" It was spat through her upset. This had to be some sort of hormonal response… there was no way my plight could have provoked this level of emotion in her. One minute prior, I would have argued that nothing could. At least it was relieving me of the unbearable tension Tomoe had caused, the anger I felt, granted it was replaced with bewilderment, but that was certainly preferable.

"Are you alright?" I asked, finding myself in yet another situation in which I had almost no idea what to do. She sunk to the ground like a deflating balloon.

"Don't be stupid bubuzuke. I just can't unzip my coat. It's this stupid zipper!" The last word was nearly lost, as she struggled wildly with it. I was concerned she'd rip it from the cloth with the ferocity she was displaying, as though the jacket was choking her. "And that idiotic girl! She thinks she can just…"

"Here," I said as gently as could, kneeling beside her. "Let me assist you." An irrational fear that she might bite my fingers popped into my mind, but it was just that. I was able to pull it down without much trouble.

"I'm not crazy." She was glaring at me as though I'd accused her of such a thing.

"I do not think that you are." I patted her shoulder, smiling, oddly grateful for the bizarre distraction from my own troubles. "Perhaps there's something else going on? A bit of good news that could explain it?"

She wiped at her nose unattractively. "How'd you know?"

I smiled at her, letting a breath out. "It is becoming somewhat obvious."

Her hands flew out in both directions. "Don't ever get pregnant, Fujino."

"I will try my best." She scowled at me, her eyes swollen.

"I guess that's the plus side of being _you_."

I smiled brightly, more for the familiarity of the exchange than anything else. It did not surprise me that she considered the only upside of my preferences to be sex without concern for pregnancy.

"Wait a moment…" I walked over to the sink, getting a paper towel and wetting it with warm water. From the shower curtain popped the head of a wonderfully damp Natsuki clad only in a towel, peering out cautiously. The expression changed to one of mortification when our eyes met, both sets widening as she immediately back-pedaled into the stall. The person in the shower… who else? I suddenly felt as though I'd been held upside down and drained. I stood corrected, _this_ was the absolutely perfect end to a perfect day. I would not further humiliate either of them by calling attention to it now. The three of them must have all been in a case together.

Moving toward the fallen woman, I knelt to gently wipe at her cheek and she snatched it the tissue from my hand, standing up abruptly. "Don't get any funny ideas." I knew the peace between us would be short-lived, it always was. We stood a few paces apart, one of my arms across my stomach the other at my cheek, while she collected herself, shooting her finger out. "Tomorrow, we need to take care of this. I'm sending her home and calling the College."

That was my responsibility, but I was afraid that arguing with her would upset her further. "I wouldn't want to stress Haruka when..."

"Don't be stupid." She scowled. "Page me when you get in! I don't want that girl anywhere near you and don't argue with me." She said, before stomping out of the locker room, not even waiting for an answer.

I found myself watching her retreating form thoughtfully. I idly wondered if Midori would have another charming slang version of a portmanteau for what existed between Haruka and I. Something between friendship and animosity, some mix of it. She had so aptly described my friendship with Reito. I moved my tired body up and walked back toward my locker, resting my head against it for a moment... calming myself, my face… trying to banish the image of Natsuki's collarbone sprinkled with droplets of water, the feeling of Tomoe hands gripping my wrists, the pressing of her body, her lips... how soft things could feel so hard... and the sound of Haruka's voice from my mind. So many emotions at once and I walked to the other end of the locker room where the bathrooms stood.

"Natsuki can come out now if she wishes." I needed a joke, a tease against my own agitation. "Or does she require some assistance?" I said, hearing the scuffle of her boots in the stall.

"Oi! No!" I smiled small and to myself as I walked back to my locker, adjusted my posture, my expression while she dressed. Alone while I waited for her, there was the strangest moment where I felt myself all at once teetering on the edge of tears. The pure terror of it made me want to run, but I knew I could not and I spent the next few moments hastily shoving it away.

Thankfully it was another minute or so before she sheepishly rounded the corner, hand rubbing at her neck, wet hair up loosely.

"Messy case." She commented as she dropped a pair of darkened purple athletic shoes in the trash. A pair of scrub paints the leg of which was stained an entirely new color, and a pair of blood mottled socks followed. A frown painted her lips. "I liked those sneakers."

A pushed a smile out. "Perhaps Natsuki should consider investing in some footwear that is not composed of mesh?"

She narrowed her eyes. "My feet need to breathe." _Of course._ She sat across from me on the bench in the locker room, straddling the wood beam, her lightly flushed face only a hands length above my waist. Why she had to sit in such positions, I did not know.

I nodded, grabbing my coat from my locker, not quite looking her in the eyes. "Kanin-na for trapping you in the showers."

"Sorry that I heard." She shifted her eyes quickly toward me. Her low voice sounded strained and I forced myself to glance her way, cementing a smile in place while the panic rose in me. From the corner I assured myself, it would have been impossible for her to hear my conversation with Tomoe, most especially if she was showering, which I could not allow myself to even think of. She had to be speaking of what happened between Haruka and me. We had been much closer to the showers and the woman was so loud.

It took me a beat longer than usual to concoct a reply. "There is no reason for you to be. It was through no fault of your own."

She gazed at me, eyes concerned and it was a bit of warmth that softened and comforted me. "Was that Armitage crying like that?"

I couldn't help but tease her gently. "Poking fun at a woman in her condition is unkind."

Her eyes widened and whipped toward the door as if she expected her to still be there. "Yeah? What condition causes _that_?"

"Natsuki, _ikezu!_ She is pregnant."

She appeared mildly surprised but it faded quickly into disinterest, pulling her legs up to sit cross-legged. "Was she better before?"

It was a fair point though I chose not to comment after what had passed between Haruka and me tonight. But the worry was beginning to overwhelm me, over how much of what happened Natuski had pieced together, given what had been said in that particular conversation.

Her green eyes as they watched thoughtfully were only worsening my self-consciousness. "You okay?" She asked quietly.

I gave her a tired curl of my lips, something a hair more honest than usual. "I can recall several days that were much more enjoyable." She didn't seem surprised by the statement, so she'd heard a fair amount I assumed.

"Shizuru…"

"Hmm?"

Her hands pressed into the wood of the bench, hesitating a moment before she said what she intended to. "Why the hell do you let Armitage talk to you like that?"

I stared at her. The things that bothered her kept surprising me. "She speaks to most people that way. Natsuki should not think Haruka makes any exceptions for me." If she did, it was certainly not in a positive way.

She quirked her mouth to the side, clearly unhappy with the answer. "… yeah ok."

I closed my eyes as the night's events began swirling inside me yet again. I was reacting so strongly to what happened and I did not understand why. It was only a silly kiss, even if I was not given a choice. Beneath my skin, my face...everything was still shifting, restless. I again felt the need to remove myself from Natsuki's company… from anyone. I was unfit for it.

"You must be tired. Should you not be heading home? I've kept you late enough." It seemed that I required more than just a few moments to collect myself. The chaos inside me would not settle.

"I'll wait. I've gotta go to that garage anyway." I saw the blooming pink on her cheeks, as she provided her rationale and I was, of course, unwelcomely assaulted by the desire to kiss her. Why couldn't I just stop thinking of her that way? Why couldn't I feel for her the way I felt about Reito? A friendly love… but no she had to keep finding me, keep doing these things that made me want to curl into her arms even when I should be locking myself away.

I spoke as calmly as I could, closing my eyes. "It is rather chivalrous of you to offer to walk me to my car. Perhaps you'd like to bring your kendo stick as a defense measure?"

"Idiot." I smiled at the familiar response, my eyes widening as she took my hand in hers and squeezed it, before standing up. I felt strange and tired and very much like my body had become suddenly heavier.

She was watching me intently, her mouth still quirking to the side… it was a face she made when debating whether or not to ask me something. I looked away, that green was too much. Instead, I watched her fingers curiously as she walked them across the wood between us, tapped the top of my hand with her middle and index finger. I lifted my eyes, raising an eyebrow at her. "We could drive out to the cliffs. I do that sometimes when I have shitty days."

I was surprised and moved, felt strangely like crying again and I'd not cried in such a long time. What odd reactions I was having. The look in her eyes though was not one I wanted to refuse no matter how sure I was that I should.

"That would be wonderful, Natsuki."

**Digression #18: Sasaki Midori  
** **Date: February 12** **th** **, 2014 … a Wednesday**

Midori sat at her desk, reading one of the thirty-seven papers that were stacked to her left. Why she ever assigned her students papers to write she didn't know. Her TA was out sick on top of that, the flu and so here she sat, preparing to get through at least five of them before she left, but her thoughts kept wandering home before she could.

Her husband had the day off today and was likely presiding over the mini excavations that often took place in her backyard. That was if the ground wasn't frozen. He was eccentric in many ways and tended to save the chicken bones from their dinners to bury in the yard. He would take them to the back of the basement where he'd set up a tub of hot water mixed with biological washing powder and leave them to sit for a few days. After their bath, he'd let the bones soak in hydrogen peroxide to give them a bright whiteness that thrilled the boys to death, no pun intended. She'd agreed to this after an argument about keeping flesh-eating beetles in the house to clean the bones. A woman had to draw the line somewhere, and the fact that he insisted dermestids only ate dead flesh did nothing to comfort her. The rest of the basement was draped with various bed sheets and blankets propped over furniture, a tented city. The kingdom of Aswad her boys called it... where they came up with these things she didn't know but was happy to play along. They'd made themselves robot suits from bits of Halloween costumes and tinfoil. According to Sato, her older son, Aswad was populated with humans who'd rebuilt their bodies with machine parts. She'd given herself a partly robotic hand, made from large broach and bangle… only her hand, because she found the hand-crafted robot suits too restricting.

The kids were probably setting their grid and beginning the dig now, hoping to unearth another piece of what they had dubbed the baby dinosaur. On occasion, her husband would bury an actual fossil from the unnecessarily large collection he also kept in the back of the basement. The bones would be added to the dirt-covered pile she forced them to keep on the porch beside the worm farm they built.

Last weekend they had somehow got their hands of rubber latex her husband kept for making molds and nearly suffocated themselves creating masks of their faces. She had been able to pull it off before the littler of the two, Hiro, passed out. As much as she loved her boys, life with them was strange, being the only woman around was strange. Even so, she would rather be out in the dirt with them than correcting all of these papers.

The past year had seen Sato pull away from her a bit, becoming more attached to his father, which was expected. She still had her little boy. Hiro was still young enough to be sweet and cuddly with her. When he was reading with her the other night… a story about a little boy who was seven years old and wanted a basketball for his birthday… he'd paused thoughtfully and then asked her age. She'd told him to guess and he had considered the issue hard. Seventeen he had pronounced and she had smiled and told him he was correct. Seventeen going on thirty-eight? Of course, she'd take it.

Midori was honestly grateful that her best friend since college was still around. Yohko and she had done their fair share of living. She half-dreaded when her boys became teenagers, if they'd ever question her friend as to what sort of trouble their mother had gotten into... if boys would want to know that kind of thing about their mother. Without Yohko, her life would be all pretend swords and bugs and chicken bones. She needed a little estrogen now and then, a little bit to drink, and a little bit of girl talk. There was Keiko-chan too, Chie and Aoi's daughter. Having a little girl to pamper a bit, to do things that didn't involve wrestling, or seeing how angry they could make a nest of wasps was delightful escapism. However, Midori could see her ten-year-old son Sato, already roping the girl into his mischief. She recently caught them all taking turns jumping off the doghouse with capes they'd fashioned from bath towels. Apparently, the point of it was to see who could leap the farthest. Midori had joined in and won handily. The three kids then proceeded to have a dinosaur-shaped chicken nugget eating contest, which ended when Keiko vomited all over herself. Freshly washed, she was still a crying mess when Aoi came to pick her up.

As Midori tried to refocus, the door to her office cracked open and one of her graduate students, the one who volunteered to take the boxes of weapons from Shizuru over to the museum, poked her head inside.

"Excuse me, Sensei, do you have a minute?"

"Suzuki, what's up?" She asked casually.

"We found something else in the boxes from your donor while we were sorting." The girl fished something out of her purse. "This letter. It was at the bottom of the last one."

Midori took the parchment envelope from her graduate student. "Thanks." On the outside was written a simple message, ' _To My Shizuru'_. She knew who it was for of course, but she didn't know where Shizuru had gotten the weapons in the first place. She decided she'd give it to Yohko to give to the woman. It might be important and it looked unopened. Besides which, it was a perfect excuse for a night out.

"Some of us thought it might be some sort of love letter from a soldier to his girlfriend. With all the military weapons, it made sense, but it looks like it's never been opened."

Midori smiled at the far off look in the girl's eyes. "Long lost lovers?"

The dark-haired student smiled. "It would be romantic, Sensei? Wouldn't it?"

"It would be." She nodded toward the girl.

"There are so many different weapons though. It would be impossible to know if any belonged to the soldier. The girls are going nuts over it."

A wide grin split her face as she pictured the graduate students guessing wildly at who wrote it, crafting tales. "I bet."

"They keep imagining that the donor has been waiting years for this letter, it's quite a story already. It doesn't look very old."

"The preservation would depend on how it was stored. It's on parchment, that's unusual."

"We thought so too. I don't think a soldier would have parchment, but I didn't want to upset the others." The student smiled softly.

Midori grinned at the young woman. "Maybe he saved up just to buy it. Maybe it was a special letter. A love letter would definitely qualify."

Another spark of interest. "Do you think so Sensei?" Silly to spend so much time imagining things like that, just because of the intrigue, the romance, to swoon girlishly over the possibility of a good love story, with a touch of adventure on the side.

She couldn't imagine that Shizuru had some sort of secret romance with a soldier, maybe an American soldier. Couldn't even conceive of such a story. Besides, it would have to be a female soldier in the first place. A forbidden love… long-distance and frowned upon by the good old boy military establishment. She couldn't picture the undoubtedly gorgeous woman soldier with soulful brown eyes and the arms of a goddess hanging from her tank top. She would've had to sneak from her desert tent in the night, crawl beneath the khaki canvas to steal a sheet of high-quality parchment from the general's tent because a general would have better paper. She couldn't see anyone writing a letter to her beloved in Japan by flashlight, a few lines to say how she feels, how lucky they are to have what they do, that the thought of Shizuru keeps her warm at night. She had to have been sent on a mission before the mail went out. She would take charge, lead a cowering group of young men to victory, die a hero…sacrifice herself to save a young soldier with a baby on the way because she'd be that kind of person. With her last breath, she would beg him to send the letter, to make sure Shizuru gets it.

The letter, he would send to the departed soldier's parents. They would love Shizuru dearly even though they met her only twice. How could they not? They would slip the letter into a box of weapons the soldier has left to Shizuru. They would add the soldier's uniform, but keep the purple heart she was awarded. The boxes would ship to Japan where news of the woman's death had already reached a bereft Shizuru. When the boxes arrive, she would lay her soldier's dress blues on the bed and sleep beside them for two weeks, beg God for it not to be true, would feel the ghostly touch of her departed love while she slept, unsure if it was imagined or real. Unable to bear the reminders after a year of trying, Shizuru would generously donate the weapons unaware that her lover's last sweet words lie amongst them. How would it feel to read them when she's just now finally ready to love again? Because four months ago she met a beautiful stranger with striking green eyes that pull her from the darkness of her grief, make her feel alive, kiss her soul? Will it be too much to be reminded?

No, Midori couldn't imagine such a heartbreaking, modern-day love story, a piece of which she held in her hand.

"Sensei? Are you alright?"

She shook her head. "Correcting these papers is turning my brain to sludge, sorry." The redheaded woman turned the envelope in her hand, admiring the thickness of the paper. "Anything is possible Suzuki. I bet this letter has seen all sorts of adventure."

"Well, we thought if it really was and you know the person who donated the weapons, maybe you could give them the letter." There was a little bit of a sparkle in the graduate student's gaze still.

"I will, definitely."

The student sighed wistfully. "I hope it brings them joy."

"Thanks again for walking this over."

"It was my pleasure. Please thank your friend for their generosity again. The collection is so impressive!" She bowed as she left.

The redheaded woman turned the envelope around in her grip once more. She tried to imagine what secrets were contained inside it but did not even think of opening it. Ah, the ever-building mystery that was Fujino Shizuru.

**Aside #18: Badly Drawn Dragons** _(Thought)_

"Can you draw one for me?"

"Keiko-chan, wouldn't you rather your mother draw it?" She smiled at the little girl, patting her cheek. "Then it will have a chance of actually resembling one."

The beginnings of a frown formed on the little girl's face. "But I want you to!"

"If that is what Keiko-chan wishes." She turned her reddish-brown eyes to bright blue ones, tapping the child on the nose. "But she must promise to be nice about it."

"I promise, I'll draw you one too. What color?"

"Ookini. Purple is my favorite."

"Mine's orange."

"An orange dragon for Keiko-chan." Shizuru began dragging the pumpkin marker across the paper hoping that whatever emerged at least resembled an animal of some sort. It wasn't as though she couldn't picture a dragon, she just couldn't take that picture and translate it to the movement of her hand. She found it challenging to enjoy something she was so hopelessly inferior at.

Aoi watched the two of them from the kitchen where she was making hot chocolate. Chie was working tonight, it was New Years' and the other woman had offered to keep her company, which she was happy for. She enjoyed spending time with the woman almost as much as Keiko-chan did. In their circle of friends, Shizuru was one of her favorites. When they used to go out, she was so much fun… to dance with, to drink with. She was sexy, intelligent, had a good sense of humor, and didn't take herself too seriously. Aoi couldn't understand why she was single, really, had never understood it. Maybe she wanted to be, there were a lot of unknowns as far as Shizuru went. She sometimes got the sense that they weren't just unknowns, but secrets, she suspected of the painful type. It made her think there was a lot more to the woman than they knew. The biggest one for her was the woman's family. Shizuru never spoke about her mother or father, going home, wanting to go home… nothing, except once when they'd discovered she was an only child.

Aoi had talked to Chie once about it, asked if she thought Shizuru was lonely. They decided to make an effort, to invite her for some holidays. She and her lover took turns with it, so it wouldn't seem like it was just one of them. She knew it bothered Chie how little they knew about Fujino Shizuru, how closed-mouthed she was about nearly everything, but she also knew the annoyance came only because her lover liked to know things. She did too, but her need for information wasn't as strong. Idly she wondered if anything had ever come of Shizuru's 'interest' in Kuga Natsuki. She didn't think so because Shizuru seemed a little strained. She also wondered how the heck Alyssa Searrs was that woman's sister. They looked nothing alike, didn't seem very much alike… but in fairness, she didn't really know the green-eyed woman.

She turned her attention back to Shizuru and Keiko, wondering if the excitement she saw in her daughter's eyes was something to be concerned over, whether they should prepare themselves now for her teenage years. The six-year-old was most definitely swooning, had, in fact, asked Chie if she could marry the woman two years ago after her fifth birthday party. She had also asked if she could marry Reito… and Midori's son Sato. When Chie had asked her who she preferred, Keiko had stated that she intended to marry all three of them. They'd both thought it was funny at the time, but maybe it spelled future trouble. Aoi smiled at the thought. She had wondered for a while if Shizuru ever wanted children of her own. She was so good with Keiko, so patient, had a knack for it, was encouraging, and never spoke down to her. The answer came during one of the few times that her friend had opened up at all, had casually mentioned wanting a sibling when she herself was younger, a desire to give that to her own child should she have one. Shizuru had said it so lightly and only in response to a comment Aoi had made about her and Chie considering a second child. It was telling though and both she and her lover found it so easy to imagine their friend as a mother.

Setting a few mugs on the table, and shooing their fat, surly black cat out of the way, she laid on the couch behind them. Aoi rolled on her side to gaze at the two drawings.

"Wow, is that a penguin?" She asked, peering down at the page in front of her friend who pouted lightly. "With a… party hat on?"

Keiko grabbed the page protectively, clutching it to her chest. "It's a dragon Mama! You're supposed to be nice!"

Shizuru smiled, leaning over to squeeze the child lightly. "It's alright Keiko-chan. It does look like a penguin. Yours is much better, I must admit."

The little girl studied the two hard. "Cuz mine's got teeth and a bigger tail. That's the only difference."

The brunette laughed softly. "Keiko-chan is being far too nice."

"Can I put Shizuru-san's picture on the fridge too?" The child pleaded.

Reddish-brown eyes were apologetic as they looked toward the other woman who grinned. "Yup! I'm sure Chie-chan will wanna see it."

"Yeah! Text her a picture!"

"You're very lucky Keiko-chan," Shizuru spoke around a wide smile, glancing at Aoi with sarcasm that never reached her voice. "Your mother is so thoughtful."

The woman laughed and hugged her surprised friend about the neck briefly before sitting up. Smirking, she grabbed herself some hot chocolate and pulled out her phone. The image was sent to a tired nurse in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit with the caption ' _A New Year's Dragon from Shizuru'._

The response was simple. _'Tell Shiz it looks like a walrus.'_


	19. Not Dates, Tomoe, and the Serpent Bearer

**Narrative #19: Dates that are not Dates  
** **Date: February 20** **th** **, 2014 … a Thursday**

We were parked on a hill by the ocean, a haunting vista of sparkling black water and sky spanning out before us. She'd told me that she'd once seen a shooting star here. Part of the Gemenids, she had specified to my surprise. I knew little of stars and even less of meteor showers, yet listening to her describe it's streaking path after I questioned her further, I could picture it almost exactly. This evening was taking a turn to become another one of our dates that were not dates. The heat was still on in the car and she had reclined her seat back a bit when we parked. I tried not to consider how very tempting a scenario it was: the clear inky coldness above us, both romantic and somehow unnerving, her half laying down, hands on her abdomen, while she gazed into the dark with eyes just as bright as the lights dotting the heavens. As was always the case though, she didn't seem to have even the vaguest notion that her behavior was slightly atypical of an average friendship, whereas I was painfully aware of that fact as well as her ignorance of it.

"Did you have a pet growing up?"

I glanced over at her. It was a random question certainly, but I saw no reason not to answer it truthfully. "I suppose I did."

"Yeah?"

"A small snake that I captured when I was a young girl."

She rolled her head on the rest to look my way, raising her eyebrow at me, clearly unsettled. "A snake."

"Yes. I kept her in a tank in my bedroom for a bit, but I decided to release her."

Green eyes regarded me with mild shock. "You weren't scared of it?"

"Cautious, but not frightened. My father believed they bring good fortune."

She frowned. "Can you even pet a snake?"

I smiled at the question. There were times when I ran my finger along the length of her body. It was because the feel of her skin was so unlike my own, but it was impossible to know how it felt to the snake. She did not respond to it one way or another. "On occasion, I would let her curl around my hand, but snakes, unlike many softer creatures, are indifferent to petting. Have you never touched one?"

"No." Her lip twitched. It would appear Natsuki did not share my fondness for the creatures. "Why'd you let it go?"

"A dog requires companionship of some kind, but snakes are not dogs. I came to believe she would be happier back where I found her."

The most interesting expression had taken up residence on her face. "Hm."

"I suppose I did not feel right in keeping her from the trees and grass." I distinctly remembered letting the snake slither about the wooden dollhouse my father had given me. Seeing the snake curl around the chimney, extending itself, frozen in the air, eyes fixed. It was exactly how I'd found her on the tree branch by the riverside…it was the moment I realized I had to release her.

She scoffed. "You _would_ worry about the snake's point of view."

"It is not worth considering?" I smiled at her even though I was not sure how she meant that.

"Most people wouldn't."

"Would Natsuki?"

"I wouldn't keep a snake in the first place. There are some animals that aren't pets." I did not disagree with that.

"You mentioned you have a dog, didn't you?"

"He's a mess. He's scared of his own shadow." She flipped through her phone quickly, passing it to me.

On the screen was a picture of a cute little dog, whose coloring was nearly orange and blended with the wood on which he lay. "He is precious, Natsuki."

"People are always trying to pet him anyway."

"Should the dog not have a say in the matter?" Her forehead wrinkled as she raised her eyebrow. I had not felt that way years ago. I had touched many things because I wanted to, not concerned with their reaction, sure I could win them over. Tomoe-han had just given me the experience of being on the other end of that. It should mean I had no argument against what she'd done I supposed, no right to be as disturbed by it as I was. Perhaps I was being naïve myself in thinking that I'd overcome it, given my touching Natsuki's face. How different were the two really? "I cannot imagine that were Natsuki a dog, she'd let just anyone pet her."

She flushed, the corners of her mouth turning down. "This is the second time you compared me to a dog."

I barely resisted rubbing a finger beneath her chin, smiling brightly. "I wonder? Would Natsuki let me pet her?"

The flush immediately deepened as she pulled away. "Shizuru!"

I adopted my most innocent expression. "Hmm?"

"You say the weirdest things." Arms crossed over her chest.

That word again. "Kanin-na. Did you not say I was strange though?" I handed the phone back to her, my heart responding when she gazed at him adoringly with a genuine smile. That look on her was heart-melting and quite memorable. A parent gazing upon their beloved child. "Perhaps he just has strong instincts?"

"To run away."

"Still it is instinct." I smiled at her. "Many people have a similar inclination. What is his name?"

"Duran." She said with a small smile that all too quickly dissolved into a frown.

I looked at her, my head tilting "Is Natsuki alright?"

There was something of a staring contest between us and I struggled not to simply answer the questions I saw in her eyes. I did not want to have this conversation but realized the inevitability of it from the moment we left the hospital. "Are you, Shizuru?"

"You are referring to what happened with Haruka?"

She nodded as her gaze turned serious."Not just that. It sounded like she said Marguerite's name." I was caught off guard by the flash of annoyance in her eyes.

"We were speaking of Tomoe-han, yes." I had to force myself to continue. "There was an incident between us that Haruka witnessed."

"An incident?" The focus with which she was observing me...

I swallowed as subtly as I could, deciding to be unusually honest. "If I told you she kissed me, Natsuki?"

Her brow scrunched and her lip curled. That emerald gaze was intense. "Why the hell would she do that?"

That was cutting. "You said yourself she had that sort of interest in me."

She stared at me hard, resting two fingers across her lips. "Did you want her to?"

I was shocked by the question, not so much the subject matter as the fact that she'd asked it in a tone that already indicated she'd known the correct answer. The idea she had such faith in me, without cause, without knowing that I did not struggle, stood frozen. It made me ache inside, but I could not bring myself to explain such things, so I answered the question at the most surface of levels. "I did not."

Another flash of anger. "She needs to stay the hell away from you." I turned away, my heart swelling. Haruka had much the same reaction and it had provoked little emotion in me, annoyance, confusion…but Natsuki was always so different, my experience of her. However, I did not want her to be involved in all of this.

"Tomoe-han is…"

Her jaw shifted. "Crazy." I wondered if she saw her as crazy because she'd kissed me, or crazy because she thought Tomoe-han was mentally unsound.

"She is lost and confused. I suppose that to some extent I find myself empathizing with her." I kept my eyes shut while I spoke, only risking a look when I finished.

Her lip slipped down, and she shook her head. We were so near to each other…so close and yet still untouchable. "Why?"

I was too exhausted for playful answers, for diversions. Not with her, not when speaking of this... "I can understand her thinking. There are certain traits we share."

"You're nothing like her."

For some reason her saying that at the same time that she was looking at me the way she was, made me ashamed. I smiled through it.

"That is not the truth." She seemed to want so badly to believe that I was a much better person than I actually was.

Natsuki watched me for a good, long while. "A lot of stuff looks the same from the outside Shizuru. That doesn't mean it's even close on the inside. She's not confused. She knows exactly what she's doing."

I stared at her questioningly, concerned by the level of agitation she felt. I agreed there was something different in Tomoe-han... in her eyes particularly, but there had been something different in me back then. Perhaps it still existed and I was only fighting it now. I did think the differences between us were more subtle than Natsuki realized. Though I could not know how Tomoe-han thought precisely, I was sure that she honestly believed there was something between us, honestly believed in the love she thought she felt regardless of the ignorance required to maintain such an illusion. In that way at least, we were similar. It was why I had to keep reminding myself that what lived between Natsuki and me was one-sided, even though it did not always feel that way. The moments I did allow myself to forget, those were the moments that presented the most danger.

"This is bothering you," I said softly. "Kanin-na, for burdening you this way."

"You're not burdening me." She said, giving me an irritated glare, pushing at her jeans with her hands. "It's gotta bother you too."

The statement created an acute discomfort that gathered behind my eyes. "Natsuki is so protective of me tonight."

"It's not like that." She argued, blushing and looking away, holding the back of her neck again. "What're you gonna do?"

"Request her moved," I answered.

She looked strangely nervous, unsettled. "Be careful."

"I was under the impression Natsuki thought I was careful already." I felt a twinge of guilt for embarrassing her when she was speaking so openly with me.

She frowned at me. "I'm serious."

"Kanin-na. I know." I acknowledged quietly. "I am not sure what to say that would put your mind at ease."

"I don't think anyone's mind should be at ease about it. I hope Armitage tears her a new asshole."

"Natsuki dislikes her that much?"

" _You_ should dislike her that much." She said and I wondered at the depth of her upset in this.

I paused, feeling uneasy over the whole situation, not sure exactly why but sure that I did want her to ever have a direct confrontation with Tomoe-han. "Natsuki…promise me you will not involve yourself in this any further." Her eyebrows shot up, questioning. "I will take care of it with Haruka, but I do not want you to be involved. It clearly upsets you and there is no need for that."

She was frowning intensely, crossing her arms. "It's not like I'm gonna haul off and punch her."

I gave her a small, somewhat wry smile. "I had not considered such a thing until you mentioned it. Does Natsuki make a habit of punching people?" I had never hit another person, outside the sparring I'd done, but that was hardly the same. I found myself morbidly curious about what it would feel like.

"Maybe it would knock some damn sense into her."

I felt my face fall. "Please, Natsuki. Will you not promise me?"

She sighed. "Fine."

"Ookini." We were watching each other, quietly as I tried to pick the conversation back up. "Why did you wish to become a surgeon and not a prizefighter, may I ask?"

Her eyes rolled. "God I hate that question."

"What about that particular question do you hate?" I turned my body in the seat so that I could see her better.

"People want a specific kind of answer to it, like 'I wanted to help people' or 'I've always wanted it'."

I watched her curiously. "Are those not the truth?"

"If I wanted to help people, I'd work in the city instead of fixing some rich guy's ankle who fell playing tennis."

I smiled. "You see it as more rewarding to work in a place where tragedy is prevalent by comparison."

Another frown covered her lips. "I'm not looking for tragedy, that kinda stuff happens whether I'm there or not."

"Can the same not be said for broken ankles during tennis?"

She shook her head at me. "I don't live in a bigger city because everything else is here. I sell enough hours of my life without losing more just to get to the few people I actually wanna be around." She paused and grew quiet… such an unusual perspective on things. "When I was doing my Residency, I had this patient. He was dying of cancer, but I guess he slipped when he was fishing and broke his ankle. I did his surgery and then saw him a couple times while it was healing. He liked to tease me too, you two probably would have gotten along." A grin was thrown my way and I pouted lightly. "But the last time I saw him… he was talking, I mean he always talked, but he was saying that he had all these things he wanted to do with his life. that he was saving for retirement. Now he was gonna die before that… that he traded too much of his time. For some reason, it stuck with me." Her chest rose as she breathed, blinking. "I thought about staying out there sometimes, away from Fuuka. I had this feeling when I was younger... like I needed to get away." I understood that feeling completely. "What he said though, I kept thinking about it. The people I care about are all here. When I got the job it worked. I didn't wanna be away." She stared out at the night sky. "And why a surgeon…I like that what I do requires a certain amount of skill, that it takes a lot to learn, and that I'm fixing something that was broken. If you do it well, it lasts and it matters. I guess that's why I chose it."

I nodded, unsure what to say about such honesty. I seldom knew. "It sounds as though you consider yourself a craftsman."

A soft, scoff of a laugh. "I'm using drills and hammers all day, not that much of a difference."

"The materials are slightly more delicate."

She nodded with a delicious little smirk. "What about you?"

I sighed. "I suppose you would find it difficult to believe I wanted it all my life?"

A look of confusion passed over her. "Not if you told me you did."

"My parents wanted me to have a prestigious career. A doctor fell under such a designation." Why I followed through with it after all that had happened was another question entirely. I'd considered it before but had only been able to guess that the idea of not finishing it once I'd started was too abhorrent. "Not nearly as exciting as Natsuki's answer."

"You're young to be an Attending Shizuru. They must be proud." I said nothing. Her dark brow arched and I could tell my non-answer piqued her interest. "Do you like being an Anesthesiologist?"

I watched her. "I do. Though I suppose I enjoyed it more before."

She rolled fully onto her side against the seat, drawing her legs up. "Why?"

"As you know I've become heavily involved in the research studies. It has taken me away from working with the Residents."

"You liked doing that?"

"With one notable exception." I smiled at her somewhat sadly.

"Can't you go back or something? Or quit?"

A felt the confusion on my face. "Quit?"

She shrugged. "If you don't like it."

"It was an excellent opportunity. It is just that it is not…"

"What you want?"

I regarded her carefully. "I am proficient at it. The position fits my skill set, but I will admit I do not enjoy that the position is far more involved with hospital politics."

"Who would?"

I gave her a half-smile. "One might think a former Student Council President."

Those green eyes focused on me. "There's no way your parents aren't proud of you."

I swallowed and turned my eyes forward. "What did Natsuki wish to be when she was younger, if not a doctor I wonder?"

This time she allowed the change in subject, perhaps out of pity for the way my night had gone earlier. I was thankful she did not push it whatever the reason. She took another big, sighing breath in. "The dog I had growing up was a stray we took in. He was so messed up at first. You know, scared to be touched, like I was gonna hit him or something. He was better with me than my mom because I was way smaller than he was then." Her lips turned to the side and I watched her, trying to follow, trying not to touch her cheek because of the sudden emotion in her eyes. "I used to think when I was older I'd get this big farm, just a whole bunch of dogs and they could run around all day, away from people, so they'd never have to worry about stuff like that." She looked over at me, shaking her head at herself. The was an incredibly gentle side to her. "Then when I decided to start medical school, I didn't have time to worry about it. I was just trying to get through it." She frowned against whatever memories plagued her. "What about you?"

"I wanted impossible things when I was a child." I still wanted them. I had always wanted them.

"I guess I did too." She said quietly, flopping onto her back. "Now I know better." I would not say that I did, even though I should. "You wanted to be a princess or something, didn't you?" For some reason, her saying that did not surprise me and a small laugh escaped me.

"Why would you say, princess? It carries certain connotations, does it not? Perhaps Natsuki thinks I am difficult." Certainly, I'd thought of it growing up, played games of pretend, but not with any serious aspirations of being royalty.

"No. You're just such a _girl_ … woman I mean."

A smile crossed my lips at the correction. "I do not mind if you call me a girl, it does not offend me."

She scowled. "It's obvious that you're a woman is all I'm trying to say."

I couldn't help myself. "I'm pleased you think so."

She rolled her eyes, embarrassed. "Idiot."

"If I'm not mistaken, you are very much a woman yourself." I would be willing to verify it, but I could not imagine anyone who ever looked at her requiring persuasion.

She pushed her tongue against her cheek and I smiled brightly. "I like to think that's obvious too." I nodded in concession to the point. "You're way more girly though."

I wondered why my being 'girly' as she put it, was so noteworthy to her. "You are not unfeminine in the slightest, Natsuki."

"You're so damn proper though. Like a lady...besides that sense of humor." A lady…interesting to know she thought so. It has started off so nicely. The tease that followed did not bother me, but I raised my brow at her nonetheless.

"Natsuki is so adorable when she's talking herself into some trouble."

She tried to look serious. "Oi, you told me you'd stop calling me adorable."

"I did say that, but if I recall correctly you also told me that you would attempt to be less adorable and you have done no such thing. It would be unfair of you to expect me to uphold my end of the bargain when you have not."

"Damn it, Shizuru! One day I'm gonna figure out a way to stop you when you start talking like this. Then you'll be in trouble." Truer words had never been spoken. The expression I made in response seemed to deepen her shyness.

"I am simply stating a fact. It should not embarrass you if it's true. You are adorable, Natsuki, for a variety of reasons."

"This is the opposite of stopping."

"Kanin-na, but do you not wish to know the reasons?"

She glared at me. "I can't help it if I have a babyface."

It was unexpected that she interpreted my words in such a way, that she assumed the reason I had chosen that particular word was because I thought she looked like a child. "When I say adorable, it is your personality, the expressions you make, that blush of yours that I was speaking of. Your face is not adorable. Your face, Natsuki… is beautiful."

Her eyes widened and she stared at me as an almost unbelievable shade of red took it and she was quite obviously unhappy. "Shizuru, stop." It would be the first time a woman had reacted to my calling her beautiful in such a manner.

I'd gone too far, just now. "Kanin-na, but does it truly upset you for me to say such things?"

"It doesn't upset me! I just wish you wouldn't." I did not see how that was any different.

"You do not like being told you are beautiful?"

"No." I watched her carefully, gleaning her seriousness, and was confused by the intensity of her resistance to it. "I know what it usually means, but you… I don't get." Natsuki was one of the most untrusting people I had ever met and wondered what in life had made her that way. What in her mind turned compliments into manipulation? What in her mind had branded me an exception to that distrust? I could not disagree entirely, but still, it was rather sad and now she was outright glaring at me.

The day had been too long for clever lies. Instead, I skirted around the truth. "Perhaps it is simply because when I look at you I see a beautiful woman and there is nothing more to it?"

She rolled her eyes, frowning again. "You don't do anything simply, Shizuru." I supposed that was fair. Buried beneath what I'd said were my feelings toward her. Her beauty was only the first thought in my head.

"Can you not entertain the idea that I mean it?"

"What am I supposed to say to that?"

I smiled at her. "I am not saying it in expectation of a response, but I suppose thank you would be the most traditional choice."

"Okay, fine. Thanks." She grumbled, eying me sidelong.

"Natsuki is very welcome."

Silence settled over us as the tension of our previous exchange hung thick in the air. Quite suddenly she sat up and reached over my lap to hit the lever that was keeping my seat upright.

"Stop sitting up so straight. You're making me nervous, damn it." Just as the gruff words reached my ears, I flopped back far faster and less gracefully than I would have liked.

A gasp escaped me and on instinct I reached out to steady myself, the only thing within range being her retreating form. The tiniest of blushes took my cheeks as I realized I'd pulled her over me and her nose was now nestled between my breasts. I was finding it nearly impossible to comprehend the sensation, but had enough sense to loosen my arms around her, rested them on her sides only to keep them from moving anyplace else.

She pushed herself up slowly, staring down at me with incredibly wide, gorgeous green-gray eyes, her face partially hidden by cuts of shadow, and bits of dark hair… so temptingly close. I was sure my imagination overtook reality because her face seemed to be moving closer. I could not think of a thing to say, but I could think of far too many things to do… none of which were possible. I needed space before I did something unspeakably stupid. There had been enough stolen kisses tonight.

"Did Natsuki need a hug perhaps?"

My ridiculous tease seemed to knock her back to herself. Immediately, she sat up, moving away, all quick movement and clenched teeth and a practically purple face. In a flash, she was out the car door and I blinked at the empty driver's seat.

I was more shaken than I would have liked. Settling myself, I looked at her dark form standing a few feet from the edge of the cliff on which we were parked. She was staring out at the ocean, mouth covered by her hands. What was running through her mind? I was all too aware of what was running through mine. I gave her another minute or two, gave myself another minute or two before I sat up and climbed out.

I stood beside her, not too close, glancing at her while I recaptured a bit of my hair that had been taken by the cold breeze, held it behind my ear so that I could see her.

"Kanin-na, I did not mean to grab onto you."

"No, it was me." Her shoe was driven into the ground, shoved at the bits of dust that covered rock, kicked a view pebbles off the cliff. They made no sound as they hit the water below.

Before I could consider it, I moved closer, had to touch her hand just to get her attention… even if it violated my pact with myself. "I am not upset with you if that is your concern. Kanin-na for embarrassing you."

"No Shizuru. I'm an idiot. Just..sorry." Her voice was a little unsteady.

I smiled at her, soft as I could, wishing that I could be inside her head if only for a moment so that I could know what to say. "Natsuki…"

A short, but obvious exhale escaped her. It was impossible still to understand what she was feeling. "It's late. I should take you back to your car." Had that been too much for her? I tried not to be hurt by the response.

I pushed a smile for her benefit, could feel my own nervousness wrapping tight around my chest, squeezing the breath from me. Her upset was so difficult to see. "Ookini for spending time with me tonight. It was very sweet of you." Closing my eyes, I risked squeezing her hand. She startled but did not pull away. _To touch her yet again_ … I released her.

A light pink still covered her cheeks as she rolled her gaze my way and I met her eyes. "You're welcome would be traditional."

I smiled genuinely. "Yes, it would."

We climbed back into the car silently. There was a strangeness hanging about her when she glanced at me again. The swirling emotion inside that green, as though she were suddenly afraid of me… it was upsetting, but then she gave me a small smile. Such a confusing reaction.

"You're welcome Shizuru." I did not fully understand but returned the smile.

**Digression #19: Marguerite Tomoe**   
**Date: February 20** **th** **, 2014 … a Thursday**

Tomoe threw her coat and purse on the ground by the door, heading up the wide staircase that led to the top floor of her family's house. She walked down a long corridor, ire making her steps heavy.

"Tomoe?" Her mother's voice echoed in the hallway.

"It's me."

"How was your day dear?" The woman stood in the hallway, leaning against the doorframe. "The cook prepared a few dishes for you if you're hungry."

"I already ate."

"Not the hospital food I hope? Your father is still waiting to go riding with you. He seems to think your horse misses you, though he's been talking about buying you another. He mentioned something about a Gray Arabian?"

She had to smile at that. "Did he find one?"

"You will have to speak with him about it when he returns from his business trip. Whether he's found one or not, you know he will if you ask Tomoe. You are his treasure." The conversation annoyed her. There was no point in mentioning anything if it couldn't be readily supplied. A horse that was just an idea and not already hers was of little interest to her. "I hope you won't be staying late tomorrow as well. Honestly, there must be others. Are you terribly exhausted?"

She stared at the woman hard, always making such a fuss. "I'm fine mother, really."

"Let me take a look at you." The woman stepped up to her daughter, holding her chin in her palm. "I have some cream you should put on your eyes while you sleep Tomoe. Such a beautiful face requires care." Lips spread into a smile and pressed against a cheek. "How some Doctor hasn't snatched you right up…"

A wistful sigh escaped the girl at the images conjured by her mother's words. "I am a little tired."

"Well I would say go to sleep, but your friend arrived about a half-hour ago. She's up in your room waiting for you. You two should have a bit of fun. You've been working so hard, slaving away after all those sick people. Honestly, I have no idea how you stomach it. You're so selfless with your time. I think you should be rewarded. We'll have to do one of our shopping trips this weekend. That car you have is already a few years old. We'll get you something better, something a little more fitting, hmm?"

Tomoe smiled, even though she just wanted her mother to go away. "That sounds like fun."

"We were thinking of going to Europe this summer, do you think they can manage without you?"

"It's a Residency, I have to be there. I'm being transferred to a different hospital anyway."

"Why my dear?"

"Fuuka is too small."

"Well, I certainly hope you're not planning on going to one of the city hospitals, Tomoe. It's far too dangerous and who knows what sort of bugs those types of people carry. I wish you would consider your father's suggestion of private practice. His business partner's brother is a plastic surgeon, Tomoe. Wouldn't rather work with people of your own caliber? Why waste your talents on those who don't even have the self-respect to hold themselves up?" She agreed with that… but regional patient populations were of little concern to her. Shizuru was the only thought in her mind right now.

"I want to be at the best, mother. I want to be moved to Artai Medical Center." She said with manufactured earnest.

"Artai? Well, it is one of the top hospitals. I'm sure that can be arranged. I'll have your father call the dean." Her parents could fix this… throw another charitable donation to the school and it would all be swept under the rug. Shizuru knew that as well as she did. With her parent's financial control of the school, Tomoe was practically untouchable. It was an elaborate deception, an illusion of propriety and she could play along. "They are golfing together in a week, I think."

"Can you have him do it tomorrow?"

"Always so eager. There really is no reason to wait I suppose. And you're absolutely right. Fuuka Hospital is too small."

"Goodnight mother."

"Goodnight my darling." They hugged.

Tomoe headed toward her room. Miya was sitting on the edge of her bed when she entered. Miya… the girl had been in a few of her classes during Medical school, they'd become 'friends' during her time there. 'Friends' who slept together and that worked for her, especially now that she could close her eyes and imagine. Miya was pathetic, easy to manipulate…all she had to do was ask. It killed any respect she had for her. A person who allowed herself to be treated the way she treated Miya, without complaint or rebellion, deserved it. Miya was bottom tier, and people like that existed only for whatever purposes she could devise. They were there to be used by those who knew how... to be passed from one person to the next until they'd outlived their limited usefulness. Miya was a discard, and Tomoe was only holding onto her until she was ready to play her hand. She was doing the girl a favor really, she should be grateful to be given a function where she had none. Tomoe crawled over to her, kissed her hard, and rolled onto her back as the other girl drew her mouth over her chest and neck. She let it relax her, let herself be undressed, let Miya serve her purpose.

Thoughts began to pour in as she closed her eyes. This love was not one-sided. Shizuru had sent her all those winks, smiles, teasing little remarks…each one she cataloged and stored in her mind, reviewed, and replayed in the darkness of her room before she slept. They were gestures, glimpses of emotion that she could keep, tuck inside her mind until the woman was hers in the flesh. Tonight Shizuru had pretended as though there was nothing between them, pretended as though the years they'd spent together, the building tension, the near-silent communication between them was nothing… was so cold to her. It hurt her deeply, but more than that it made her angry. The game they played seemed too real… Shizuru was a gifted actress, but so was she. Tomoe could pretend to be a dutiful student if need be, pretend to be harmless, pretend to be patient, pretend to be sorry, pretend she would give up, pretend to be inept … whatever it took.

"Tomoe…" Her friend whispered.

"Don't talk Miya." That hurt expression annoyed her, especially when the girl just went back to doing what she was doing before. Such a sad little person… no backbone at all… like a brainless dog on a short leash…nothing like her Sensei. Her Sensei was of her caliber…would be passionate, adventurous, dangerous…would understand the distinction between them and others. Shizuru would be everything she imagined and more.

Tomoe eyed the collection of tokens that sat on her vanity, a surgical mask that she'd worn the first time she ever did a case with her Sensei, the wrapper from a stick of gum they'd split, a matching teacup to the one her Sensei so often used in her office. She switched them… this one had been Shizuru's originally, had touched those lips. All of the tokens were silly things… but they meant something, they were the connection that stood between them. There were more in her locker… the key to Shizuru's office she'd made, a few discarded notes… a stick of lip balm… things left on the desk after hours when Tomoe worked a late case. It was a secret system of communication Shizuru had established for them.

Anger began to creep back in as she thought of the obstacles that prevented them from expressing their love freely. Shizuru herself took the deception too seriously sometimes. It was insulting enough that her Sensei flirted with Kanazaki, but belittling their affection for one another by leaving with Kuga in the same car when she should have been comforting her? Tomoe had no way to sate the fury she felt watching them walk away together, that stupid dark-haired woman glancing around like a nervous animal. She pushed Miya's head down her stomach. The girl was moving too slow, she needed a better distraction…

Shizuru was being so difficult about it, trying so hard to be proper when they both knew what was going on. She had even started distancing herself from Tomoe, presumably to avoid suspicion, was far friendlier with Erstin and Arika. Tonight though… when she'd said what she did about transferring her… it was obvious code. Shizuru was so hard to read, but she had to be because they couldn't be found it, their love had to be quiet. She hadn't pulled away when Tomoe pressed her lips against the other woman's. Eyelids fluttered subconsciously in remembrance… the feel of those perfect lips on hers, so unlike the others she'd felt before, their unique shape, she'd dreamed about them forever. She was sure that Shizuru was beginning to respond, would have passed her arms around Tomoe's waist if that woman hadn't shown up.

Armitage ruined her chance to spend uninterrupted time with her Sensei in the office, during her birthday, and now had broken up their kiss. She smirked as she pictured herself punching the woman squarely in her too loud mouth… maybe she'd even break her jaw, then there would be months of silence. Scowling at the plaster of her ceiling, Tomoe seethed with her hatred for them all, but Kuga was the worst. Armitage and Kanzaki, as much as she disliked both, were on the level. Kuga though, she was such a bottom-tier person, such a discard… such an obvious lie of a bad girl, ridiculous piercings, and tattoos and her obnoxious hostility. That woman was just another wounded little thing pretending to be brave so no one saw how broken she was. Shizuru… her love… the woman who belonged only to her... just kept glancing at Kuga like she wanted to take care of her. Maybe her Sensei had a soft spot for broken animals… it needed to be taken care of in any case and Tomoe planned to set things straight. She intended to speak with Kuga about it after all this unpleasantness with switching her Residency was over.

She could easily imagine all of them having meetings, plotting ways to keep her and Shizuru apart. It wasn't fair, it was just a silly notion of right and wrong… student and teacher. It was an age-old story, nothing new and they were both adults. It was unjust that she had to vie for the affections of the woman she loved for the sole purpose of keeping up appearances. It had to be a conspiracy of sorts. Every time she got her Sensei alone, came within range of having her the way she wanted to…one of those three showed up. Clutching Miya's brown hair, she held her firmly against her, tilting her own head back. This was barely working at all… the girl wasn't even trying.

Recently she'd been approached by Homura Nagi, the man who ran the research studies at Fuuka… he was leaving the hospital for Artai Medical Center, before the Summer. He had asked her to come to see him when she finished her residency, wanted her participation in the Research Team that he would build there. She had dismissed it completely at the time, but now her mind began working at the idea. Surely in a hospital that size it would take more than one Anesthesiologist to run the research cases. If Homura applied his system at Artai, it would be on a much grander scale. Shizuru was experienced with the research studies by now, hiring her would be an easy sell. They would build a new life together there. She would have her in all the ways that she wanted. It was a perfect plan and all she needed to do was wait a bit more. God, she was growing so impatient though… she hated waiting…

Tomoe closed her gray eyes as tightly as she could, imagining Shizuru instead of Miya, imagining that sweet voice saying all the words that the beautiful woman kept hidden in her smiles, that it was those delicate-looking hands touching her, that the mouth working at her was the one she'd tasted tonight. Her anger at Shizuru dissipated beneath her understanding that the woman was doing it all for their sake, disappeared in the wake of her release and she let go of Miya who immediately began sucking in air. The noise was distracting her from her happy musings, but things were still looking up. She flipped the girl on her stomach not wanting to see a different face, covered Miya's mouth with her hand as she took her hard, not wanting to hear a different voice… closing her eyes again, just imagining. Once she was transferred, Shizuru and she could be together like this… she could finally have her Sensei.

**Aside #19:** **The Serpent Bearer** _(Thought)_

Several figures knelt beside a river. The darkness of the evening drew their shadows long across blue-gray grass. Like tar, the water moved in soft inky swells. The only images that broke through the blanketing black were the near-perfect reflections of lanterns set adrift. Their ghostly forms were mimicked in the floating mirror beneath them, as if the world was slowly collapsing in on itself, reformed with new fluidity. A girl was perched against a tree some twenty meters back from all the others, barely watching, lost in her own mind. She left the haunting scene astride her bike, riding fast through the night because the calmness of it… the ethereal beauty of the ceremony was not her experience of death. It was a bouquet of flowers selected especially for their faultlessness and then laid atop a mountain of immeasurable suffering… pure distraction.

Natsuki had ridden to the cliff that night, had stood on its edge, the churning sea below her restless and wild and nothing like the calm river waters that felt a lie. It was in the air…the smell, the tiniest bits of spray. Even so high above, she could not keep herself from the ocean's reach. That colorless, swirling mass beneath cared nothing for her… cared nothing for anyone. Unable to face it, she turned her eyes skyward watching the twinkle of a star she knew to be part of the constellation _Ophiuchus_ … _Hebitsukai-Za_ in Japanese. She'd found a telescope in Sakomizu's attic and a book…started star-gazing when sleep ran from her...when nightmares kept her awake. She stared at bright pinpricks that composed the _'the serpent bearer',_ much fainter with the naked eye, shocked when a steady white streak of light seemed to burst from the pattern and cut the sky like a knife. It flared and tore across the dark canvas, brief and powerful and beautiful, and then it was gone, impossible to describe… to recreate… to hold on to. Nothing she'd ever experienced had felt closer to the truth and so it was that image she chose as the first mark permanently etched onto her skin.

It was fourteen years later and she was standing on the same cliff. Beside her was a woman who could thread every string of uncertainty within her on a single needle and pull it through the space between them, over and over… mend the parts of her worn thin with distrust… patch the gaps in her confidence. Just a smile with lips she couldn't forget, that stuck in her mind… a color that shouldn't matter, a shape she shouldn't notice. Unable to face her, she turned her eyes skyward watching the twinkle of stars she could no longer assign to constellations, half-expecting some bolt of white to cut the sky again, some flash of understanding in the darkness. There was no celestial anomaly to play metaphor this time. Instead, there was a different serpent bearer, one who gave off her own burst, her own flash of something too great for understanding, but just as true.

Natsuki's confusion, her agitation were again stirred by the heartless churning of winter seas beneath her, by what she had inside her…pounding heart and humming pull.

Tonight something had fallen beyond blaming some ghost of a brain injury, Mai's playful teases, and unsubtle leers when they ventured to the shop. This something…she had done it all by herself, fallen onto Shizuru like a clumsy teenage boy in a too obvious ploy...undeniably avoidable, even if it was an accident. She had stayed there too long…close to her body… her body that was so disturbingly, wonderfully soft. It was another woman's body, another woman whose caressing warmth was nearly a taste.

Hovering above her, saturated with visions of Shizuru's mouth wrapping around the word _beautiful…_ a word she had always hated… but said in that soothing summer rain voice, it split her in two. It was followed by itchy fire on her mind when the image of Marguerite's undeserving lips thieving a kiss came. It affected her, stretched and tugged at what she felt until she'd almost stolen one herself. She'd almost kissed Shizuru…had already kissed her during some hazy half-awake dream in the hospital lobby. The thought of it kept slipping beneath her skin, forcing unwilling eyes to those lips. Those lips kept eating her alive when they curled into a smile. Why? It was not okay with her that she thought this way. Maybe it wouldn't be okay with Shizuru either. Did the other woman even know? Could she? At times Natsuki thought she could see a touch of something, afraid to name what lay trapped inside those heart-gripping eyes…unsettlingly deep, strokes of color… all chocolate and wine.

Natsuki would not ask, because what she did know amidst all her confusion was that she did not want this to change… did not want _them_ to change. These nights…she wanted to keep what she felt in them. Couldn't they just be two people inexplicably drawn toward one another by some magnetic drive to simply exist in the same space with no wanting it to end, no wanting for anything else? Couldn't they just share a connection encapsulated by their singular experience of one another? Couldn't the air that filled their lungs just stay thick with the things neither of them should say?

Something like this? She wouldn't ruin it for some hopefully transient desire. She shouldn't feel it in the first place because desire complicated, and twisted what was good for her... she didn't want it to be there, was pushing it down. To try and survive another beautiful, powerful thing tearing through her life and dying in a flash. Why? Not again, and definitely not for a kiss, not if this could possibly stay just like it was. All they had to do was stand still forever and then Shizuru could never walk away. And why did that seem so impossible...


	20. Solo Piano, Takumi, and Under Your Skin

**Narrative #20: Stairwells and Solo Piano  
** **Date: February 26** **th** **, 2014… a Wednesday**

I'd spent the morning puzzling over a lengthy e-mail from Tomoe-han detailing her gratitude for all the knowledge I'd imparted during her time at Fuuka, which cc'd her program director and the dean at Gauderobe. She had not shown up on Friday and Haruka was incensed to find the young woman had been one step ahead of all this. I was essentially brushed off by the administration and informed that Tomoe-han had already requested a switch. We were thanked for our dedication to the students. None of it truly surprised me. I'd known her parents were quite well connected, but that being the causal factor in the minimization of what had occurred only drove Haruka into further upset. She was absolutely beside herself for the entirety of Friday, again on Monday, and most of Tuesday. Honestly, I was concerned it might throw her into premature labor, but she was difficult to calm and I was certainly not anyone she wished to be calmed by. The situation confused me more than anything else. What were her motives for sending the thank you? To endear herself to me? Then why address it to the administration as well? Flattery? The tone of the e-mail was as though nothing had happened between us at all, which made sense given who she sent it to. It read as a grateful student's gratitude to a beloved mentor. Perhaps I was not so much confused by it, as thrown by the familiarity, the affection that still existed there. I hoped that the reason was not as simple as it seemed, that she still believed we could be with one another, that there was something between us. Then there were the texts. I did not even know how she'd gotten my number.

If she had been the whole of my troubles, it might've been possible that I could manage. However, my internal conflicts were compounded by the progression of the HiME project. Nearly all the patients scheduled for operations as of late, most specifically for tumor resections, had absurd levels of complexity associated with their pre-operative anesthesia planning. At this point in their disease progression, most had issues far beyond terminal cancers and metastatic disease. Many were in varying stages of organ failure or suffered from numerous comorbidities. Most should not have been surgical candidates in the first place. Even though I did not doubt my abilities, no level of skill could negate the grossly increased risk of complications both during the surgery and post-operatively. I'd even attempted to distract Haruka from the Tomoe issue by seeking her opinion on one of the cases. I had already postponed three of the surgeries due to concern for the patient's condition, but the backlash was incredibly strong from Homura-han in particular. It was one of the oddest and most unsettling experiences I'd ever been a part of.

At this point in the project, passive-aggressive, yet ostensibly polite back and forth had become nearly the only way that he and I communicated. I had even gone as far as to ask Homura-han what the purpose of these surgeries was, to which he had replied that there were indications HiME was working and that the resections would hasten the process of remission. I'd seen very little evidence to support that, but I was not given the names of the oncologists overseeing the project, or the updates files I'd requested. My requests were ignored and now I had almost no information as to our goals, and absolutely no control over this entire situation. My role, as far as I was able to discern, appeared to be convincing dying individuals to enroll themselves in the study and then attempt to keep them alive against rather poor odds while some surgeon I did not recognize rooted around inside their bodies, tearing out highly vascular tumor with little concern for the outcome. Whatever was removed was sacked, weighed, and handed to Homura-han as part of his Biological Materials Recycling Program. Two of the three previously delayed cases had died in the ICU the next day.

 _This last patient,_ I had advised against doing the surgery at all. I had objected with a strength that was uncharacteristic, but I was, of course, overruled. The lung tumor filled most of the pleural cavity and with the amount of bleeding from the tumor resection alone, an unseen artery had been severed. He exsanguinated on the surgical table. It was the first time I'd had a patient die in the OR. Even the cessation of the resection when his vitals plummeted required me to elevate the volume of my voice, which irked me. It was such a distressing experience, so unprofessional, but very few of the others involved seemed perturbed. To have to struggle against the team with which I was working, to be in constant opposition, performing duties I could not see the good in...it bothered me immensely, but still, I stayed.

Some portion of the reason I could not simply quit escaped me, but I also could not deny a thought that plagued me each time I considered it. I knew that I feared what was occurring between Natsuki and me existed only in this space, existed in a bubble. Without us seeing one another so often, without her being reminded of my existence, that the bubble might pop and this thing between us would evaporate, that my withdrawal from the project would be a withdrawal from her. It panicked me to think of walking away, not with how she made me feel, not if it meant the dissolution of our friendship. That my access to the HiME files had brought us closer and yet I so strongly disliked having to perform the duties associated with it... I was twisting constantly. If not me, my mind had whispered back, then there would there not be someone else to do this? And what sort of justification was that?

I walked into the stairwell, fully intending to spend some time in the rooftop garden attempting to let the sun burn away this day. Closing my eyes, I reached behind my head, taking down my hair, shaking it out, and hoping against reason that a bit of my troubles might tumble down with it. I let my fingers run along my scalp, massaging lightly at the ache there, and let a light sigh escape.

When I looked up, there was the only person who could possibly encounter me in such a state. She was staring at me, a bit of her lunch held loosely in her grip, and looking shocked at my appearance. I wondered if any of it was residual awkwardness from the incident in the car.

Her brow wrinkled presumably from the surprise of seeing me there, but a blush I could not explain was taking her cheeks. "Hey, Shizuru."

"Natsuki is eating in the stairwell today?" I asked as I tried to fully recover myself. "Has she abandoned her previous post?"

"It's raining." Of course, it was because the sun would have helped me. Goodness, what a negative thought. I glanced over at her, looking for longer than I should have and the usual effects of her presence began to take hold. She _was_ an excellent stand-in at least. There would be plenty of warmth to bask in.

"May I join you?"

She scooted over toward the railing to make room. Perhaps there was less discomfort than I thought. We sat together silently for a moment, while I tried not to imagine what it would feel like to rest my head on her shoulder, tried not to think of the man who had died. "You look stressed."

"Do I?" I attempted to fix myself. It was far too easy to let my guard down in her presence, to allow my mind to wander.

She picked through her food carefully, eating at her usual leisurely pace, throwing glances my way now and then. A bit of rice and vegetables, not her tin today. "Bad case?"

I did not want to tell her the whole truth and spoil her lunch hour. "Natsuki is rather perceptive. And how has your day been? Not too stressful I hope."

She shrugged. "My sneakers survived." I glanced down at the new pair, sky blue with yellow stripes, scrubbed clean of course. They matched the lining of the dark gray hooded sweatshirt she wore over her scrubs. I assumed the match was deliberate. "The blonde resident ran my cases."

I smiled at her description. "Erstin-han."

"She was good."

"That is nice to hear," I said, feeling my thoughts slip away again, glad none of the residents had been privy to my earlier failure.

So distracted was I, that I did not immediately notice how carefully she was watching me. "Something happened." She deduced, frowning.

"The patient from my last operation did not survive it." A slow nod. I rubbed at the nail of my thumb, with the pad of my other for no reason I could grasp. Was I fidgeting? Too much anxious energy perhaps. "I've not had that happen before." _It should not have happened at all._

"Me neither." Another frown took her lips. "It happens to everyone some time though."

"So they say." I agreed, but I did not believe it even in knowing it to be the reality. Some bit of me argued that if everything was planned correctly... if everything was plotted out and addressed and thought through it did not have to happen. I was so deeply bothered by this. So strangely affected…

In the look she was giving me, there was empathy that felt so very underserved. "Sorry, Shizuru."

Nothing I could think to say in response felt worth saying, so I fell to old habits and changed the subject. "You're lunch looks most enticing Natsuki."

Her hands closed around the chopsticks and she picked out a mushroom. "Are you hungry?"

"Is Natsuki offering to share?"

"Did you eat?"

"I have not yet, no. My case took most of the morning."

"Then eat." I was not particularly interested in eating at the moment.

"I do not want to take Natsuki's food. She needs her strength." Pushing a smile out, I rested my head on my palm, crossing my other arm across my stomach.

She handed me her bowl and chopsticks, ignoring my refusal. I reached out to take them, unwilling to decline a second time. "Unless it's weird to you." I looked at her curiously and then realized she meant the single pair of chopsticks. I could turn them and use the other side, but her comment indicated that was not required.

"It's rather sweet of you." I gave her another smile, deciding to tease her a little to ease my own tension. It was far easier than showing any more of the tangling emotions that were currently suffocating me. "Almost as though I'm receiving a kiss from Natsuki, is it not?" I popped a bit of some vegetable into my mouth, chewing

Her frown at the statement was incredibly deep and she visibly swallowed, her throat bobbing. "No." She disagreed in a manner much more reminiscent of our earlier interactions which troubled me. Another joke that had gone too far, I was being much too forward. I attempted to pinch myself a bit tighter. It seemed I could not even tease her properly at the moment.

"Kanin-na. Perhaps that joke was in poor taste?" I said quietly.

Her response was merely to stare at me with those beautiful emerald eyes, lips parting, and closing as though she could not force out whatever words were caught in her throat. Turning away from me, her fingers reached up to pull at her earlobe. She was thinking, but I did not know what. Still, such a puzzling reaction and I could not tell whether she was upset with me. I wanted to ask, but the possibility of an honest answer frightened me.

"Is this from your friend's shop?" I asked to change the subject again, though I was fairly sure it was not the case.

She seemed to relax, stretching her legs out in front of her. That familiar smirk came to her lips. "You know it's not good enough to be Mai's."

I laughed softly. "Is it yours?" Her embarrassed facial expression was enough of an answer. "Ookini. It is quite good."

"It's just rice and vegetables Shizuru."

I smiled at her gently. "I'd forgotten how well Natsuki takes a compliment."

Eyes rolled at me before I passed the bowl back to her, our fingertips brushing. "I swear I'm gonna kick Kanzaki's ass if he keeps stealing Sagisawa all the time. I got trapped with Chandler all morning."

"Ara, ara! _Sweet cheeks_ should consider how Mai-han would feel about that, should she not?"

"No, Shizuru. Just, no." She frowned and glared at me, turning her head away. "I don't feel like going back."

"Do you have Chandler-han yet again?" She nodded her head in annoyance. "Then what does _sweet cheeks_ feel like doing instead, I wonder?"

"Leaving. You can come if you don't ever call me that again."

I laughed. "Would that not be wildly irresponsible of us though?" She shrugged completely unconcerned. "Where would we go?"

"I don't know. Get something good to eat and walk around the cliffs."

"Did Natsuki not just eat?"

"Fine. A dessert."

"Were I to be wildly irresponsible, I suppose I would like to do something a bit more dangerous than going to a restaurant."

"Like what? Rob a bank?"

"That would certainly qualify."

"You'd be a terrible bank robber."

I pretended offense. "Why is that?"

"Because you'd be too polite."

"Would I?"

A nod. "Way too nice, Shizuru."

I smiled brightly at her… _such ridiculousness_. "I would argue that if I had some sort of a weapon, which would likely be necessary, some politeness might soften the blow."

The bowl was passed back and she took a bite, scoffing lightly. Our fingers pressed against one another, the skin there warm and soft. I was quite certain I was the only one making note of such things.

Feeling a bit brave, I reached behind her head and pulled up the hood of her sweatshirt, smiling at the image she presented, sitting on the stairs, another mushroom hovering in the air. _Too adorable_ and the silliness between us was relief. I straightened the edges of the hood, attempting to constrain my reaction to her slight blush and pronounced frown. "I can imagine Natsuki glaring at all the unfortunate patrons trapped there and waving her gun around like some hooded hooligan. Perhaps she'd even bring her fruit tin to fill with her plunder."

A black eyebrow arched just below her long bangs, where they curved before disappearing behind her ear. She made no move to lower her hood. "A hooligan? Who the hell uses that word?"

I pouted and thought for a moment. "Ruffian perhaps?"

"Worse Shizuru. Jesus, we could never rob a bank together."

"Clearly our methodologies are too divergent." She sighed in response. "There is little left to do, but return to work then."

"No, one of us needs to think of something wildly irresponsible we could do. With all the add-ons I'll never get out of here." She mumbled. I could certainly, but my ideas were not productive and were unusually difficult to hold on to. The bowl and chopsticks were passed back to me and I let myself cover a bit more of her fingers with mine, because her warmth, the kiss of her skin… it was soothed my tired mind. I was selfish enough not to hold myself back, to allow that sort of reckless indulgence.

"Inspiration will come, I'm sure," I commented casually, taking another bite, my hands tingling with the memory of hers beneath them. It did feel good to eat a little, gave me something to focus on besides her beautiful face. My agitation bred honesty, made my thoughts unusually clear, sharp, and unambiguous. What I felt for her was not friendly even if we had a friendship. For the first time, I found myself wishing that I could simply fantasize about her, fill my mind with empty pleasurable musings. I wanted to imagine something as easy as her neck beneath my lips, instead of her arms around me. I wanted less than what I felt beside her. A friendship with someone I desired would be easier than this… than my willingness to drown in the experience of her presence.

 _Such turmoil inside me._ Homura-han, this project, my father's death, Tomoe-han… I felt like an animal herded and though I did not understand what I was being pushed toward, I was certain it was a place I'd rather not be. A purely instinctual resistance to any further association with all of it pitted against a purely instinctual drive to be near this woman. To leave or to stay? Neither was an attractive choice for very different reasons.

"Shizuru…"

"Hmm?" I glanced over at her and noticed the anxiousness on her face, slight concern that lived in the dimples between her eyebrows.

"It's not your fault." Her chopsticks grabbed at the last bit of food and she added a clarification before popping it into her mouth. "That patient." She was assuming my sullenness, the small amount of it I'd allowed to seep through, was entirely due to that.

That ball, that fist in my abdomen suddenly returned, still, I gave a small smile. "That is nice of you to say, but Natsuki does not even know what happened."

"I don't need to." She answered with a slight shrug as though such an explanation sufficed. Sudden guilt hit, that she could feel so confident saying such a thing when I still kept so much from her. The longer we stayed near each other the stronger this desire in me to let her see what there was to see became. That desire kept picking at my resistance, finding tiny holes to sneak through, forcing me to let her see more than I should. I could patch the holes, but they were only patches and I could not see the fairness in it. She did not ask for this... for the things I held inside.

She pursed her lips and pushed them to the side, before glancing at me quickly. "You left that wine on my desk yesterday." I had, in gratitude for her time the other night. "You didn't have to do that."

"Consider it a thank you for spending time with me the other night."

She squeezed her knees together and bounced her legs on the balls of her feet. Was she nervous or had she simply been sitting still for too long? "Are you here late tonight?"

I pushed my hair behind my ear, glancing at her. "I have another case, yes."

"A long one?"

"Hopefully not. A few hours."

"Maybe I'll see you on the way out."

"Should you not be concerned about getting home and getting adequate rest? You really do work incredibly hard Natsuki. I worry about you."

Her face pinked and she lowered her hood. "You don't need to." She said, adjusting the fabric so it hung on her back crisply and evenly. Her attention to the arrangement of the sweatshirt made me smile.

"I do not seem to be able to help myself," I replied almost without thought, such an odd mood I was in, her face seemed to agree. "Kanin-na, but we should head back."

"Yeah, I guess." She stood up, before looking down at me. "You look like you feel a little better." The quiet comment came, as she rolled her neck.

A gentle smile came to my lips. "I do."

"Food helps." Food did help, but not when compared to the depths of calm she could evoke. I wanted to touch her so badly at this moment, to hold a hand without excuse, to know it would be welcomed. There was so much weakness in me. The situation in which I'd found myself, the annoyance, the anger, they diminished my ability to deny myself… diminished my resolve to. I wondered what she would do if I took that bowl from her hands, placed it on the floor and kissed her how I wanted to, pressed my lips to hers in a way that could not be misunderstood, touched her in a way that could not either. I wondered what would become of us if I forgot notions of friendship, forgot my own failings, the reasons we shouldn't, and for a single breath, allowed exactly the thing I wanted. Impossibilities yet again.

"Natsuki…" My voice was slightly off and frayed at the edges.

"What?"

It needed to be expressed somehow, the gratitude I felt for her, towards her. I could not ignore all of what stirred inside me. I leaned a little closer, touching her face and catching her eyes, a true smile.

"It is not the food that has helped. Ookini." It was said too softly, too much emotion and I drew away. _Such foolishness.._.

Her body and gaze tensed. I forced a slow blink, a smile as though nothing of importance had occurred, a gathering of my own corners, tucked in tight. An unexpected squeeze to my hand as I moved to stand, to exit the stairwell, away from the faults in my character that seemed to reopen no matter how tight I tried to fasten them.

We stood a foot apart for a moment, the silence stretching.

"We should go." She finally said, and I nodded.

There was another HiME case this afternoon on a far less critical patient. Having reviewed the history, I very much doubted there would be any surprises and I was thankfully right. The case went smoothly, uneventfully, and my mind kept wandering back to the image of Natsuki in that stairwell… hood over her head, fingers brushing against each other, that look in her eyes that I could not place, something like fear… something like trepidation, but with an unexpected flicker of something else, something that was too far away for me to see, and the feeling of her cheek beneath my fingertips. My heart raced inside my chest as the picture cemented itself into my mind. There were scurrying flecks of feeling, crawling aches that overwhelmed me… and then that dead man, his senseless, unnecessarily hastened demise in the name of some project I did not believe in. They were two very opposite sensations, two very opposite ideas. I was distracted by the disappointment I felt in myself for having again shown so much that she did not need to see, did not need to concern herself with. What was she thinking? It was so difficult for me to gauge.

As I dressed, disjointed thoughts continued to swirl in my head and the fabric that clung to my body felt too constricting, suffocating almost. I removed my tank top and slipped my coral colored blouse over the bare skin of my abdomen instead, the light, cool fabric easing the itch of strain. The top was slightly more revealing than I would have liked without the camisole beneath, but I was unconcerned. It was worth it for the bit of calm it provided and there was no one here to see it in any case. I slipped on the cardigan I had and the pants and boots I'd brought. It was unusual for me to wear jeans, but I felt comfortable with the darkness of this pair as if the near-black formalized them somehow. I released a breath as I slung my bag over my shoulder, displeased by the level of tension still stretching me.

Without much consideration, I made my way to the lobby, seating myself at the piano even though it was not a Tuesday. I felt like playing; needing the keys as a conduit through which the energy might finally escape me. As I pressed my fingers to the ivories, they decided the tune for themselves. The first strains of Philip Glass' _Metamorphosis Two_ emerged. I liked the piece, but it was an odd choice on my hands' part… one of the few I'd learned to play for no reason other than I took pleasure in the sound of it, the slowness interspersed with flurries of activity, the dissonance of the lower tones. It was one of the few songs I'd memorized that was not a classical piece.

After a while, I sensed the gaze of another, opening my eyes to see Natsuki for the second time that day, standing a good twenty feet in front of me. It frightened me to imagine how she felt about me after such an obvious display of vulnerability, after my having put upon her in the way I did in the stairwell today… but there was no trace of any negative emotion on her face. She adjusted her satchel as she stood, watching me with another indecipherable look. Her eyebrows were drawn together, headphones hanging on her neck. I turned my eyes toward her, slowing my hands and she shook her head as she approached me.

"Don't stop Shizuru." She said quietly and I nodded. It felt different when I started again, as though I were playing for her. A surprising shock of nervousness made me press my lips together, made me realize I was suddenly holding on to my breath.

She slid her bag off her shoulder, placing it on the ground carefully, bending a bit, and then standing close to me. She studied my fingers as they moved across the keys with an expression of intense fascination as if she were trying to understand their movements. Natsuki watched as I played and I wondered how she felt about me using her mother's piano. It was nearly distracting enough to cause me a slip-up, but I was able to finish the song, drawing my arms back from the instrument.

"How do you move your hands like that?" She said quietly.

"Practice," I responded.

"It looks fake."

I smiled, falling back to jest out of habit. "Perhaps it is merely another illusion."

She hummed quietly shooting me a look of vaguely annoyed amusement. "You're good."

My smile softened. "Ookini. That is kind of you to say."

"Do you play a lot?"

"Not often, no."

"Why?"

Because it required a certain mood on my part, but I gave her a much simpler answer. "I have no piano at my home."

"Someone who can play like that should." She responded flatly.

"Natsuki is exaggerating my talent I think."

An analytic frown as she reached out and touched one of the keys in the higher register, a frown that deepened at the sound it produced. I wondered if she was disturbed by having placed her hand on the instrument at all. "You must've taken lessons."

"When I was younger, yes. For many years."

"Your parents?"

I smiled in concession to the point. "Yes, but I did enjoy it significantly more than many of the other activities I was engaged in."

"I can tell."

"Can you?"

That half-smile. "You had your eyes closed."

I crossed my arms over my torso, holding my elbows, unsure what to say to that. Instead, I watched as she continued her inspection of the piano. When she moved her finger to depress the key beside the one she'd already touched, I pressed my right foot to the damper pedal. A slow push and the note was soft and lasting this time. Her head cocked to the side and I could see the gears in her mind turning, attempting to dissect the differences in sound… _too adorable_. I released the pedal, stopping the sound. Her head cocked at a steeper angle.

"Does it trouble you at all?" I asked softly.

Green eyes turned toward me. "What?"

"That I am playing _this_ piano?"

I could see my question made her uncomfortable. "No."

"Truly it deserves better than my fingers can offer, but they find themselves unable to resist." My heart could empathize with them certainly, though I was still a bit embarrassed by the entire situation, by my earlier actions. "Kanin-na."

She shook her head, voice unemotional and serious. "I said it doesn't bother me." Entrancingly she dragged thin, small fingers along the lacquered wood of the piano's cover. "What makes it a good piano?"

"The sound quality is superb, and the instrument itself is gorgeous. The sustain is mellow, which my ears find attractive."

She gave me yet another small curl of her lips. It made me want to kiss her with a strength that caused me to bite the inside of my own. "Plums and pianos."

"I suppose that you could say they are my chocolate." I gave her a returned smile and she flushed slightly.

"Is it the shape of it?" Her eyes followed the curves of the piano while her fingertips traced them.

"The shape, Natsuki?" I could not follow her thinking, not while watching her hands.

"That changes the sound. Or the wood they use maybe." A look of concentration as she gently drummed her fingers against the lid.

To hear a beautiful song, or note and wonder how the physical construction of the piano contributed to such things was an interesting, if not unique mindset. "I do not know," I admitted. Her mind's continued efforts to work out the problem was clearly visible on her face. "Can you play at all?"

"No." She looked down.

"I assumed your mother had been able. Perhaps incorrectly?" My voice was gentled because I was overstepping to some degree.

"The piano's just a big, expensive thing. It's all pretension. It has nothing to do with her." She felt strongly about this.

"Kanin-na."

"If it's here, someone might as well play it. What do you keep apologizing for?"

I released a soft laugh. "It may just be that I am tired." The truth was that our interaction in the car still made me nervous because I could not understand it, not from her perspective… even if she had been no different with me…and then the stairwell. Lines that should have been obvious, un-crossable… I was blurring them and that was not right of me. My gaze fell to her headphones and I was suddenly reminded of Alyssa's iPod, of a question that had been swimming inside my head. "Natsuki, there is something I've been meaning to ask you."

She looked wary. "What?"

"Can you sing?" I was quite curious about it actually.

The wariness was amplified. "Why?"

"Because Alyssa has given me a recording of herself and your voices are so similar."

"I don't sing." She said.

I smiled "Ara. That does not really answer the question, does it?"

Her eyebrow arched and her lips drew into a distinct horizontal line. "It does for me." She rolled her eyes skyward. "I don't like singing."

"Can I ask why?"

"It's embarrassing." She plopped herself on the bench beside me, and I had to control the widening of my eyes as our thighs touched. "I don't know. Maybe Mai tried to make me do Karaoke too many times."

 _What a delightful mental image._ "That is something I would like to see."

"Never gonna happen. I would just go up there and yell a song out of key, so she'd leave me alone."

I shook my head at her… _to spoil Mai-han's fun that way._ "Then why go at all, I wonder?"

"It makes her happy." She shrugged as if that was explanation enough. "She deserves that, she's too responsible."

"Too responsible?" I asked.

"She was always working, taking care of everyone. Since high school."

I nodded. "It is challenging to balance school and work." I myself had worked through most of high school and whenever my academic schedule allowed in college.

"You worked?"

A lop-sided smile of my own. "Surprising I am sure, given the amount of time my duties as princess occupied."

She sighed deeply. "You're lucky I like you, Shizuru."

"Yes, I am," I said with a bright smile, which seemed to make her shy. "Was it not the least bit deserved though?"

"A little." She quirked her mouth sideways and then lowered her head, gripping her ear. Her face was at an odd angle, eyes widening slightly as they fixed on me and I could not determine why initially until I realized the already low neckline of my blouse was exaggerated by my sitting upright, the fabric folding and dipping. Natsuki was most definitely staring and I felt my chest heating. I resisted the desire to adjust my shirt, resisted the more absurd desire to take her hand and place it where her gaze was, let her feel the pounding of my heart, the pounding she'd caused.

I touched her face instead, because if she was going to stare like that… like a touch with eyes… presumably at my breasts…even if my shirt played a role, I would allow myself another touch, a small one. My control was so flimsy tonight and the bends she caused in my logic were making it seem fair.

"Natuski..." As I lifted her chin, her eyes became impossibly wide as they met mine, fear in them, the same fear I'd seen the other night and I softened my gaze. _What are you afraid of? Is it me?_ Half of me wanted to ask those questions, but none of me could. "You must be so tired." I finished gently instead, letting my hand slip away, kept my lips to myself despite how much they were yearning for hers. My words had not called attention to her staring by design, for both our sakes.

Her unfocused eyes fell to the piano keys and I waited for her to make some excuse, to scramble away as she had the other night, but she did not. She only shook her head and I could not tell if it was in response to what I'd said.

"As willing as I would be to remain here the entire night with you, I would not feel right in keeping you from some much-needed sleep." I tried again.

Enough dangerous thoughts of her had filled my mind tonight, but in this exchange, the most dangerous of all of them came to my head for the first time. It was the briefest of moments, where I considered if perhaps she felt some degree of attraction to me as well. If that was what scared her. If she was straight, it was certainly possible that it would cause such a reaction. Yet I hoped, knew even that it was not the truth. Why was I even considering such a thing? My own obsessive attraction to her was spilling over into reality. She couldn't possibly. This was my own vanity, my own irrepressible thoughts and impossible desires, broken apart and reformed as though they belonged to her. Why did that not feel like the truth either?

She pushed her hands into the edge of the bench, chancing a look at me. "Play something else first. I missed the beginning."

Though the quiet request shocked me, as did the fact that she'd remained on the bench beside me, I would do as she asked.

For some reason, with her next to me I felt little desire to play any of the classical pieces I'd learned for recitals. Instead, I would play another piece I had learned only because I enjoyed it… equally slow, equally dependent on phrasing, on the silence between the notes.

"If Natsuki wishes," I said as I closed my eyes and pressed the first keys.

**Digression #20: Tokiha Takumi  
Date: February 2** **nd** **, 2014… a Sunday**

Takumi had decided to stop by his sister's house because he'd also decided to go to their favorite bakery. He'd always been fond of pastries and Mai had always taken him on the weekends… one pastry on a Sunday morning.

Mai didn't open the shop for another few hours, so he picked up one of her favorites and a smoothie for himself. His sister cooked for everyone all too often, took care of everyone all too often, and it brought him pleasure to do small things for her… to see that happy, appreciative glow in her eyes. He'd told her about him and Akira, everything yesterday afternoon and though it had surprised her certainly, she had just hugged him, said nothing after he'd answered her questions and hugged him. It was the tightness of that hug that told him she wasn't completely herself after hearing it, but she had, of course, said that she loved him, kissed his forehead, that she was happy for him, which he did not doubt whatever else was stirring inside her. It had upset her a little he thought, but she would so seldom show that to him, always tried to be so strong, so happy for him… for everyone really. Coming by this morning was just as much about checking on her as it was about caring for her.

It was a hard thing to explain to her. He was bisexual, that much he knew, maybe a little closer to gay, but he did like the occasional girl. That would have been much easier to explain than the fact that he was in love with a biological woman who was in the process of becoming a man. That was slightly more complex. Akira had hidden himself so well when he lived with them, had been the perfect age, that when the real changes in his appearance started they were easy to dismiss as a late puberty, which was how Mai had rationalized it.

She'd asked the questions he expected her to, the questions anyone would and he was glad Akira hadn't come with, saw the wisdom in his boyfriend's decision because she was more open in her curiosity, which was better in his estimation, than hiding behind a fear of offending. People tended to say even more offensive things when they were trying to be politically correct, skirted around things, chose silly words because they were trying so hard not to just say what it actually was. They ended up vague and insulting in their deliberate evasion. It was better to just ask them naturally, and because it was the two of them, because of their closeness… Mai did that.

He grinned to himself as he thought of his boyfriend. He was so funny and always unintentionally. Takumi loved that seriousness, that sternness he dressed himself in… the same outfit every day. All of his work had to be precise… his art, his tattoo designs. Akira made drawing into math … a dance of golden proportions and perfect executions of color. He would get this look of pure concentration when he sketched as though his whole body had to be still so that the talent was channeled, each piece of the mental picture meticulously recreated by movements that never reached beyond his elbow. Takumi loved to watch him even before they'd gotten together, loved to be around him… loved him. Akira was something he'd always been certain of, a constant in the struggle of finding himself, finding a career he liked, finding a way to stand on his own, to reconcile his guilt over the normalcy of his adolescence at the expense of Mai's.

He had wanted to tell Mai so that she could be a part of his happiness, be a part of all of his life… because Akira was so much a part of who he was, the only person whose importance in his life rivaled Mai's importance because he was proud of his boyfriend... of his strength. Takumi loved his sister … a love insulated and nurtured by the fact that they were all they had as far as family went. He worried for her though… worried about the amount of responsibility that was forced on her when their mother and father died… and it was always Mai who held them up… always. A sister and a mother. She took care of Takumi, managed the appointments for his weak heart, worked two jobs since she could, took care of her friends in between working. He had seen it in her face, watched the disappointment in her eyes, that separation, being one step removed while she readied herself for another shift when her friends were all out together. They had money whether stolen or inherited, and Mai did not. He always thought it was strange that Mai, Natsuki, and Nao all had absent mothers whether from sickness or death… that they'd found one another... if they somehow sensed it in each other. They rebelled against it, acted out, the other two… but Mai never could because of him, had to be responsible because of him, hold it together for him, so much so that it seemed like she was fine. Fine with losing both their parents, fine with raising her brother, fine with working two jobs. Their situation was different in the sense that they had each other, him and Mai, they weren't alone in the wake of their parent's accident and because of their incurable optimism, their mother's optimism. It lived inside them both. Still, he thought her friends sometimes forgot that Mai was in a similar situation, that she suffered. Mai made it easy to forget.

Always that bubbly smile, that happiness for him as though the fact that she had fifteen percent of the social life she should, didn't bother her...as though carrying their world on her shoulders was not terrifying. He had been so uncomfortable with going to the restaurant she worked at with her friends and a few of his. It wasn't meant to be demeaning, friends visited each other at work, he knew that but still. They didn't have to work, it felt different to him. He always hung back, said he wanted to say goodbye to her, but really he simply couldn't stand to let her bus their table, clean up after them before they went out to have more fun. He could still see it sometimes… when Natsuki and Nao would get going about their high school antics, the stories, the evenings of mischief because Mai was there for so little of it, part of one in every ten stories on a good day. Natsuki and Nao, Natsuki and Tate, Natsuki and Tate and Nao … and Mai… he knew that was how she grouped them, saw herself as on the outside of it all, even though she said nothing because none of it was anyone's fault because it just happened that way. There were times he worried that Mai didn't know how to do anything but work, to hold things up… worried about how much of this she recognized in herself, how much she covered up with accomplishment and fussing over others.

He'd seen it when he and Akira first started spending time together. His pulling away was hard on her. He thought because it was difficult to see him grow up, that her feelings were motherly… but as he got older he understood… to her, they were Takumi and Mai… a pair, the only one to which she definitely belonged, not just sometimes. His standpoint on it had been different. Takumi had always needed to be part of a pair, needed someone else because of his sickness. What he strove for was never to belong in a pair, though he loved both the pairs to which he did belong. What he wanted more than anything was to be able to take care of himself. It wasn't until his heart transplant that his hope was realized. The past few years had been a revelation for him, not having his heart to worry over, that vertical scar that traced his breastbone...changed his life...saved him. Over time his body finally stopped looking so frail, so thin, so needing of care. He found his confidence grew with his physical strength, grew when he began to look like a person who could hold himself up, when what he felt inside matched his appearance a little more closely. He was building a life of his own; an identity of his own in which his sickness played no part. He felt absurdly accomplished when his weight gain necessitated new slacks, had posed in them for Akira. His boyfriend had only stared at him with a raised eyebrow trying to suppress a smile while he grinned madly, winked, and flexed arms that were by no means impressive, but had some definite lines. Akira had decided, after his display, it was time to teach him to lift weights.

A capable man now, Takumi devoted a great deal of time to finding ways to hold Mai up, to pay her back quietly, so that she wouldn't notice, wouldn't stop him. His sister didn't know what to do with anyone trying to take care of her, even if she needed it, had trouble allowing it. He wondered if that was why she dated jerks, people who couldn't take care of her, who wouldn't try… if it was some sort of subconscious thing. Mikoto too, he was thankful that she'd come along, seemed to brighten his sister's day and lighten her step, but he worried…worried that her attachment to the girl was another person for Mai to look after. A person to mother instead of finding happiness for herself and in herself.

He sat himself down on the couch and texted his sister to say he was there, just in case she was still asleep. He didn't mind waiting until she woke up. He closed his eyes against the bite in his teeth as he sipped up some more of the mango deliciousness.

He'd talked to Akira about this yesterday when he came home. He was worried that his sister hadn't found someone yet, hadn't really tried to find a good guy, was becoming a spinster or worse…a cat lady. That clock in her shop and the strays she and Mikoto fed behind the shop…it was only a matter of time before she came him with a kitten and one would lead to two and two to three and then she'd be wearing shawls and terrible too floral perfumes. Mothering the cats, naming each one, cuddling them before she hugged him in cat fur-covered sweaters…it made him shudder. His sister needed to start seriously dating. Not _'those idiots'_ as Natsuki had so succinctly labeled her exes, but a real man. Someone who would take care of her, not because she needed it, but because she deserved it. A man. Preferably with a job this time and looks and the brains to recognize how amazing she was. She was seeing someone now, but he didn't have high hopes… expected some loser who didn't realize what he had in Mai. He'd told Akira they should go hunting on her behalf, but his boyfriend had shrugged and said it wasn't really their business. Still, he was determined.

Maybe he could get Alyssa to convince Natsuki to scope out some cute doctors. He rethought that decision fairly quickly because he was pretty sure that Mai's friend would make a very poor wingman. She wasn't exactly the warmest of people when you first met her, not that he didn't like her…he liked her a lot. Maybe it was because she had the same sort of seriousness that Akira did, the kind that just begged for a hug… like a teddy bear with painted on fangs and a wolf plushie. Cute scary… he grinned to himself… sure neither of them would appreciate the description. He'd actually been meeting with the wolf plushie for a while now. She'd given him a box full of documents which became a pretty interesting expose piece on some crooked research study. It had all started with Natsuki's mother's research. He had devoted many nights to going through the documents, chatting with her about the parts he didn't understand, and then she gave him all those communications she'd gotten from god knows where. He could use them… freedom of the press… protecting his anonymous sources and whatnot. It was the sort of unpleasantness people loved to read about, that required a bit of detachment to write, where objectivity became a challenge. The article was written already, his boss was excited about it, just editing now, fact-checking and they were both sure it would do well for the magazine. It would come out at the beginning of March. It was a legal mess but had all the makings of a great piece…intrigue, disregard for human life, deceit.

He'd seen Natsuki's ex-boyfriend recently too, a little over a month ago. That was a strange night. He and Akira had gone to a movie, and his boyfriend was being oddly affectionate, letting them hold hands even if he was frowning out of nervousness the entire time. They'd been strolling along the streets downtown, and he'd been enjoying the small, white lights that decorated the telephone poles and street lamps. It was like a million little stars, just a touch of romance and the one person he'd want to share it with. It had rained and tiny droplets hung on everything, puddles in the street reflecting and shimmering. They'd stretched their night by walking around the small neighborhoods that surrounded the main street when they spotted a homeless man crouched against a building. He was barefoot with a bloodied face. Akira had tucked Takumi behind his body immediately, which made him shake his head. He'd asked the man if he was okay because it was winter, he had no shoes. His boyfriend elbowed him, annoyed at his undoing the measure of protection he'd taken. The man looked up and it was a face he knew. Yuuichi… naked feet… red smears on his face and a hand the size of his head. Takumi had almost passed out at the shape of it, while the man explained Shiho had locked him out, like that excused his appearance. They'd driven him to the hospital, even though he protested. Actually, Akira had driven while Takumi tried to regain his equilibrium in the backseat. A hand shouldn't have those angles… it was revolting and deeply upsetting. It became apparent why Yuuichi hadn't called anyone when he dropped the phone twice trying to even turn it on with his left hand. Takumi had called his mother for him, held the phone while he talked, while he said only that he and his fiancée had broken up. He looked so sad, such sad eyes… if Takumi thought the man would be receptive, he would have hugged him… but they were more friendly acquaintances than real friends. The only things Yuuichi had said were 'thank you' and a request that he did not tell Mai or Natsuki, which he reluctantly agreed to. He wondered how the man was doing as he took another sip of his mango smoothie.

A plastic card on a clip, caught his attention as the sun bounced off it where it sat on the table. He picked it up, staring at the picture of a good-looking guy, a doctor it seemed… Kanzaki Reito MD. The sound of a sliding door caught his ears. He watched an absolutely gorgeous, completely naked man walk out of the steaming bathroom, shaking his damp, black hair while drying his face. The steam curled around him as stepped forward like a spirit emerging from some otherworldly realm as if the ID were some key to summon him. At the same moment, he heard a crash from the room off to his left and froze in shock.

His sister came tearing out of her bedroom, nearly skidding across the floor in a robe that barely covered her, phone dangling in her grip, while the man's eyes widened, his hands slapping to cover himself while he hopped back toward the bathroom, perfect butt bouncing.

"Takumi?!" Her voice was a gasp.

"Mai?" He questioned and then shut his eyes as his senses returned. He leaped over the arm of the couch, throwing the ID, and scrambled out of the room. "Sorry! Sorry!" He shouted, leaving the pastry he brought on the coffee table and twisting through the front door, his new heart thundering. He ran all the way to his car where it was parked on the street outside her house, a tumble of a laugh escaping him. Resting his hands on the hood of his car, he felt his face warm and the beginnings of a smile. Well… he guessed this meant he didn't have to worry about finding her a man.

**Aside #20: Under Your Skin** _(Conversation)_

Tomoe intended one thing and one thing only in this surely unpleasant interaction; to say one thing, a single thing that would dig in, that would lodge in the space between skin and bone, where it could not be scratched out. This woman wasn't the type who could be driven away by threats, affecting her would be better. Force was the last resort. Words though, if the right ones, could put some space between the two of them. _Which words, that was the question._

She casually walked up behind her, following her. She'd been running and her pathetic neck tattoo was glistening, hair up and swinging.

"Kuga-sensei." _Earnestness first._ The woman tensed when she spoke.

"What are you doing here?"

"Can we talk for a minute?"

A scoff. "No."

"I don't know what Shizuru told you…" _The softer, pitiful approach then, an attempt at empathy._

"Stop following me." _Or not._

"It's a public street, I'm just walking."

"Fine." Natsuki turned around, walking in the opposite direction, and was promptly followed. "God damn it! Go away."

"I need to talk to you. I'm trying to help you Kuga-sensei."

"Bullshit." _Earnestness and empathy abandoned. Bargaining next._

"Just hear me out and I'll go."

Irritated eyes closed. "Make it quick."

"…she's not what you think she is."

Natsuki's eyes narrowed. "What do I think she is, Marguerite?"

"Genuine? Nice maybe? Different than other people. I thought so too."

There was absolutely no response whatsoever in her face or eyes. "Are you done?"

"She never told you about us, did she?" A slight twitch of the other's eyebrow noted. "That she's in love with me, or at least that's what she led me to believe." Eyes rolled almost up into her head. _Not that way then._

"You led yourself to that." _Unpleasant, stupid mouth._

"That's what she would say! Shizuru is an actress. Don't fool yourself. You mean nothing to her. She'll throw you away when she's done with fucking you. She did it to me." _Another twitch… but which part? Which specific word?_

"Jesus, don't drag her into your damn delusions. She's not like that." _Obvious discomfort._ That was progress.

"Not like what? A lesbian?" _Was it that?_

Kuga was flustered for a second but recovered. _Maybe._ "It's her business if she is or isn't." _No. Maybe not that then._

 _Time for a different tactic._ "She's so good at what she does, isn't she? Makes you think you're the only thing that matters, that she cares for you. She gets you to talk to her, finds ways to open you up. It's a game to her. There's something about being with her, I know how it feels, but that's not what _she_ feels. You're just something to play with, a pretty little toy." More in the eyebrows, falling to lips now. _Thoughts turning to ideas?_

"Listen. Whatever the hell you're telling yourself is going on with you and Shizuru has nothing to do with me." _Oh but that annoyed her_. As though something like Kuga could have any idea what sort of love she and her Sensei shared. This was paining her already, to lie and pretend there was nothing between them. Shizuru was much better at hiding their love.

"It has everything to do with you." A slip, anger coming through, but recoverable.

"Look, just leave her alone." A little more anger of her own now. "Find someone else to stalk." This woman was so low. Far too low to be as condescending as she was, to speak of a love she couldn't comprehend.

 _Something a bit more personal, maybe._ "Why do you think she's friends with you in the first place? Your wonderful conversational skills?" _There it was!_ Obvious reaction.

"Leave Marguerite." _Not yet._ A few more minutes, push a little deeper.

"Does it bother you? To think she wants to fuck you Kuga?" A definite twitch at that word.

"Jesus, shut up."

 _Fuck?_ Was it that before too? Good, a word like that should help her finally understand that she was nothing to Shizuru, that as a person she was nothing, couldn't be. Not of her or her Sensei's caliber. Even if Shizuru was acting on it, Kuga needed to know that it was meaningless, like an animal, like a dog… forgivable and empty, because wasn't Miya the same thing? They were dumping grounds, disposable people whose purpose was to absorb the frustrations of keeping their love secret. It wasn't anything above baser instinct. It was the thing that _'those'_ types of people were made for.

"She probably says little things already, hints that you threw away, thought were teasing? It's a slow setup. She likes the chase." Eyebrows drawing together and she was finally getting somewhere. _Sad little puppy eyes… kicked little puppy eyes, this woman._ She hated her so much, but then the restraint was back in full force _. Back to square one._ Tomoe was incredibly irritated.

They were standing in a driveway now, probably Kuga's.

"Go now. Before I call the damn cops." Speed this up a bit then…

She had two pieces of information yet to use. The one she tried to forget Nagi had ever told her because she didn't want to believe it, and the one she'd discovered herself. She used the information about Natsuki's mother first. A bit of delving, a bit of history to uproot this undeserving person who dared inserted herself between her and her Sensei. Maybe she could pull some violence from the woman, lower her guard a bit more, kick at that pesky, unexpected bit of self-control Kuga managed to scrap together before she needled her again.

"I'd rather stay, it's just so interesting talking to you. I can't imagine why your mother drove herself off a cliff."

Kuga's fists were drawn tight against her side, almost trembling with the force of it. _Things were going well, agitation in spades… but then suddenly control returned. What was this?_ "Go to hell Marguerite."

"I'm already there. I was just trying to save you from it." It was a nice line, Tomoe thought.

 _What was that smile?_ "You're overacting."

Tomoe's face fell and her fingers curled tight to her palm, her own control being tested, being pushed. The other piece now, Nagi's piece, because she was furious... because nothing was working quite the way she intended. They kept falling back to zero. She'd get the truth from her then, understand what spell she was able to cast on Shizuru.

"Were you pretending to sleep in the lobby? Part your lips a little to draw her in? You made her do that to you!"

Kuga's face fell, just confusion and shock. "What are you…"

"I don't know how you made her do that, but there's something real between Shizuru and me. We have a connection that you two never will, we're in love and you're nothing to her! Just a warm body and she'll remember that when she gets tired of your mouth."

Another wall of rigid non-reaction and Tomoe was livid.

"Yeah 'cause nothing says I love you like kicking you out of her residency program and dumping you off at another hospital." _Too much… that was too much, control broken…this person, this animal…to speak to her that way… to speak of things she did not understand…_ her hands clenched tighter, nails digging painfully into the skin. "Get your crazy stalker ass out of my goddamn driveway."

It all came crashing down. She was a fool to try and talk to Kuga in the first place, that was not the language animals understood. It was time for her last resort. The dark-haired woman didn't even see the punch that hit her squarely in the eye. Knocked back, she held her face, thoroughly shocked and then... absolute reaction. Tomoe found herself face-first on the sidewalk, arm twisted uncomfortably behind her, knee jamming into her back, crushed by the weight of a very angry Kuga Natsuki, silent and seething on top of her.

The pinned woman could not know that the only thing sparing her from a returned punch was a promise made in a car one week ago. She attempted to speak but thought the better of it when her face was shoved roughly into the pavement in response.

A low, quiet warning nearly growled. "Don't talk." Words she'd used in a far more pleasant situation one week ago, turned against her. The girl on the ground had not anticipated the retaliatory takedown or subsequent calling of the police despite a prior warning.


	21. The Unraveling, Yamada, and Human Cost

**Narrative #21: The Unraveling**   
**Date: February 28, 2014 … a Friday**

I had received a page asking me to meet Natsuki on the green behind the hospital when my day ended. We'd traded pages until it seemed silly and I decided to send her back my phone number…hoping I was not being too bold. The text I received from her was as short and to the point as her speech. It was not terribly late when I met her outside, an embarrassing twinge of excitement hitting at the first sight of her. As I walked out, I watched her standing by the cement slabs that flanked the staircase. She was wrapped in a thin coat, back turned away.

The sound of my approach made her turn, and I immediately noticed the deep reds and purples around her left eye and cheekbone immediately. The swelling and what I guessed was a subconjunctival hemorrhage near the outer canthus made the white of her eye almost black in the settling dark. I was sure the dim light made it look worse but it was almost frightening. My heart paused in its rhythm, horrified as I was.

"Hey." She said.

"Natsuki! What has happened to your eye?" I couldn't stop myself from touching her face, guilt-ridden when she flinched. That was very stupid of me. "Did you fall off your motorcycle? If that is the case, I may have to insist you stay away from that machine."

She gave me a wary look. "No, nothing like that."

"It looks so painful." I resisted the urge to touch her cheek again.

There was a strange pause. "It was Marguerite, Shizuru"

I felt the burning flare of anger wash over me. "Tomoe-han... did this to you?" That she would lay a hand on her... it was unbelievable to me. Why?

"She said she wanted to talk. I didn't think she was gonna punch me." A tiny, somewhat chagrinned smile broke on her lips as though she was embarrassed by the whole thing. I could not share her amusement.

"When did this happen?"

"Last night." My reaction was making her serious again. "Don't look so worried." There was not a chance I wouldn't worry about this.

Tomoe-han had become such an issue, leaving me messages on my phone though she should not have the number. Texts and e-mails as though nothing had occurred between us. The frequency of these communications was increasing as the days passed. I had hoped against reason it would all simply disappear when she was transferred. It had not. If anything it had become worse and she had not even been gone a full week. Now, this? It was more than a line crossed.

"Why did she wish to talk to you in the first place?" I asked.

The woman beside me rubbed restlessly at her neck. "I think she saw us leave together the other night or something."

My guilt increased three times over. "Kanin-na, this is my fault. Please tell me you called the police."

"It's not your fault and yeah I did. I told you, that girl is nuts."

"Are you pressing charges?"

Her gaze was questioning. "No. I just wanted her gone." She looked quite guilt-stricken. For what reason, I could not guess. "I didn't punch her back, Shizuru."

The promise I had her make... for her to have interpreted my words that way was not at all my intention. "I hope you did not restrain yourself only for my sake. You would've been well within your rights to Natsuki." She looked at me strangely, as though she was not quite sure she'd heard me correctly. "I cannot believe this happened. Kanin-na, this is most definitely is my fault."

"It's not your fault." She corrected immediately.

The upset I felt was racing along the inside of me, restless and scratching. If I thought that Tomoe-han would do something like this... should I have thought of it? This needed to be dealt with. Tomoe-han needed to be dealt with. I'd already waited too long it seemed. My anger toward her, toward myself, was so strong... so gripping. I could not recall feeling such pointed aggression, not even toward Haruka. The closest I could match was what I'd felt for those classmates who'd hurled words meant for me at the girl I'd ruined all those years ago. A demand for retaliation of some sort; it gathered in the palms of my hands... _pins and needles..._ as if they could materialize some instrument of revenge from the air itself.

I could not even think clearly. Tomoe-han's interactions with me were one thing, but to have brought another person into it, to have brought Natsuki into it... it was not acceptable because she was undeserving of it. This was not acceptable to me at all.

"Your poor eye. Does it hurt terribly?"

"It's fine." She answered, leaning on the slab, as I stood beside her. My arms were holding themselves tight against the intensity of the feelings coursing through me. "but the things she said..." She stopped as she released a puff of air. My heart froze in my chest, blocking the wild stirrings within me for a moment. "You should think about getting a restraining order."

"What was that said that worries you so much?" I kept my eyes gentle, but the inside of me felt anything but.

"She said a lot of things, Shizuru."

"You do not wish to repeat them." That much was apparent.

She frowned. "No, I don't."

I took in a deep breath. "May I ask why?"

"Because they're just…" She was clearly agitated and I was beside myself considering what Tomoe-han may have fed to her. If she was not above hitting Natsuki, she was certainly not above manipulating her. Whatever was said, I was certain it had one purpose; to upset her. I could not bear that because it would be my fault as well. "They aren't worth repeating. The point is that Marguerite's dangerous."

I watched her. "But they trouble you."

"She was _trying_ to bother me. Don't worry about what she said." That was a 'yes'.

"Natsuki, I do not want for these things to bother you. It is unfair."

"I'm not gonna say them back to you. I don't need you to tell me that girl is full of shit." She was irritated, but it did not seem to be with me. Beneath it though there was discomfort. It showed in her hands, her movements, the shift of her eyes. Whatever had been said to her, it held some weight even if she wanted to disbelieve it.

I paused, glancing at her eye. The skin there was tight and tender looking. "You did not deserve something like this."

Her gaze lifted and the swell of her eyelid, the shine it had… they tore at me. "Neither do you. Most of it was lies." _Far too good a person._ That she trusted me this way when there was so much I felt, so much that would be a violation to her. It was almost worse than the damage to her face.

"Natsuki…"

"What?"

I did not want her to carry the burden of unspoken words, of words that existed in her mind only because of her association with me. I needed to pull them from her, to take them inside myself and use them to fortify the ire that had become my nerves and skin. This had been taken to a level it should never have reached. I needed to have her reveal them to me. They should not have been hers, those misplaced words.

"What of the things that you believe were not lies?"

She swallowed as she gripped an earring, holding it between her fingers. "They're not important." _So quiet._ The sparks of anxiety stippling that voice augmented my worry.

"They've upset you. That makes them important," I answered quietly.

"This is what she was trying to do! Get to me or you. I'm not repeating what she said." Her arms crossed over her chest, forehead furrowed.

"It is already getting to you, is it not?" Whatever thoughts plagued her now were ultimately my doing and thus mine to undo. "Kanin-na. I did not want for this to involve you."

"Shizuru." She shook her head, scowling.

I touched her hands because the unrest living in both of us at the same time, it was too difficult to take. "Please. Will you not tell me?" So much of me did not want to know, but to leave her alone with it, to allow her to carry that when I myself could walk without the weight of such knowledge… it was not right.

She stared at me for quite a while. "She told me…" Such focus and I had to look away if only for a moment, a single moment outside of those beautiful eyes. "That you like other girls... women I mean." She looked as though each word was a tooth forcibly yanked from her mouth. That was what sank into her so deeply?

I moved to sit on the slab because I felt suddenly weak. My fury fell to embers beneath the wave of fear that washed over me. I needed distance between us and I could not look at her. "Is it so difficult for you to say?"

I caught the shift in my peripheral vision, her arms wrapping around her midsection. "I didn't wanna be rude."

"It is the truth."

"Oh." That was perhaps the least helpful reaction she could have had, though it was not the worst. I tried to steel myself as I waited for anything more. "I mean, I thought…" She stopped herself, shaking her head. "I didn't think." I nodded.

There was still no indication as to how she felt about it or what she truly meant by those words, so I asked the question that mattered most to me. "Does it upset you?"

"No." She glanced at me sideways, mouth twitching. I found it difficult to understand the strength of her unease. "She also told me you two are in love with each other."

"It is not so in either case." _Not so difficult as the last to respond to._ There was no love between Tomoe-han and I. That was more the case now than it had ever been.

A huge sigh was heaved beside me, her body hunching. "I…damn it… this is… I don't wanna do this, Shizuru."

"Please just say the rest." I interrupted as calmly as I could, as much neutrality as I could muster through my own immense discomfort. "It will be better if it is said and does not sit with you."

She stared at me again, biting her lip. "She said that the only reason you can stand to be around me is because… " Her hand rubbed restlessly at her ear, fiddling with the piercing that passed through the cartilage. She frowned as her gaze fixed on the ground. "Because of how I… look. That you only want to… " She spoke quietly, haltingly, and with very obvious upset.

Nonetheless, I understood the implication. Annoyance and dread filled me. Tomoe-han certainly had chosen her words well. It was an idea that would claw at the woman beside me. Perhaps it would be more damaging than any other claim she could have made… at least from what I knew of Natsuki. To be objectified and sexualized, the notion that it was the only thing that I sought with her. Did I objectify her? Think of her as a thing to be coveted? Possessed? I did think of her sexually...whether or not I believed it would ever happen and in spite of the restraints I'd put upon myself. Was the presence of sexual want objectification in itself? Was desire a pretty name for the need to control the sexual pleasure of another human being? _Such questions_ …where was my mind? I was unanchored and overcome by a deep sense of shame for what I felt toward her.

"She implied I only wish to sleep with you," I said slowly and with tiredness I could not quite cover.

She shook her head at the ground and looked at me anxiously, quickly. "This is why I didn't wanna say anything!"

I hesitated as I put my hand over hers. Even through the growing disorganization in my thoughts, I could not bear to see her beat herself up over any of this… as if she held any responsibility at all.

"Natsuki…" There was no possible way I could allow her to think in that manner, not when I knew it to be so entirely inaccurate. "Please, I asked you to tell me, did I not? I was being honest when I said before that I enjoy your company."

"I know that. I knew she was lying. I trust you." I closed my eyes tightly. Her words penetrated so deeply into my skin and I felt that the mere act of staying silent was a lie. "Damn it."

 _Do not trust me._ I wanted to say it because her trust, look where it had brought us. The thought of it broke me open and made a crack I could not fix. "It is misplaced." The words spilled from my mouth as I kept my eyes forward.

Her piercing stare had lost none of its intensity and I could see her defenses rising. "What is?"

"Your trust in me. It is misplaced." I clarified. This was too much and the emotion began to empty from my voice as I spoke, no inflection, no indication of feeling. "There is no conceit involved on your part. I've told you before I think you are very beautiful. Perhaps that is different to you now that you know of my preferences and it did make me want to know you better. Tomoe-han was correct in at least that much, but it was never the only reason I wanted to be around you." I waited for a response, but there was none. Just a cavernous, breath-stealing silence. "Natsuki?"

Her posture had become tight, guarded. "I don't know what to say to that." Her voice was barely above a whisper. Her shock, her discomfort wove themselves around something that sounded like panic. It was awful to listen to.

I closed my eyes. "Kanin-na."

Her mouth shifted to the side and she looked at me with slightly wounded eyes. "You didn't do something to me when I was asleep in the lobby. That's not true, Shizuru."

How could Tomoe-han have even known that unless she was following me for that long? Had she been? And the trust still lingering in the previous sentence ... as though she did not think me capable of such a thing; it made my next admission so much worse. "I did."

She was unhappy, quite obviously so, and I could not blame her. "Why?"

"I have no defense for it," I answered.

Her eyes were fixed on mine. The hurt and the spark of anger in them nearly repelled me. "You shouldn't have kissed me. It's not okay."

I blinked at her, perplexed for the first time in this conversation. It knocked me from the things that were devouring me whole. Kissed her? Is that what Tomoe-han had told her? "I did not kiss you Natsuki."

She blushed intensely, head whipping to the side. "But she…" The struggle was evident all over her. So much so that I found myself a bit puzzled by it even in my current state. "What did you... do then?" She finally questioned, voice barely above a whisper.

A deep breath in. "I touched your face, tucked a bit of hair behind your ear that had fallen, laid my hand on your cheek. I never kissed you." But I had desperately wanted to and it was so difficult to look at her right now. "Kanin-na, Natsuki."

"I don't understand." I was sure I saw the touch of relief buried in her confused expression. It could have been my imagination. It stung nonetheless.

"What is it that you do not understand?" I asked cautiously.

"Why would you do that?" She was giving furtive glances in my direction. "Why would you want to?" The addition was nearly inaudible.

I did not know what to say, but the way she was watching me, she was begging for some answer with that gaze. I had been hiding all of this from her, from everyone really, for such a long time and it seemed to accomplish nothing. This was the test, wasn't it? If we could remain friends with her knowing, with her understanding how I felt... what I felt… what I was.

"I had no intention of telling you this. I know that it is not appropriate, but I do have feelings for you Natsuki. What I feel around you, it tests my control at times and that is no excuse."

She rested her fist over her mouth, her eyes slowly growing larger as they stared at the ground. It was a while before she spoke. Her forehead crinkled as she asked a question that shook me. "Why would..."

I gave her a puzzled look, attempting to hide the fact that I felt slightly sick. The sadness, the shame, the anger… it was a nauseating cocktail. "There are many reasons why."

She blushed fiercely and it appeared as though the heat of it irritated her bruised eye. "Why didn't you tell me? I took you all those places."

My heart fell to the floor. "It bothers you that intensely?"

"That's not what I mean either, Damn it! I wasn't trying to…" But she could not seem to find the words and I was not sure if that was for the worse or better.

I could not hear any more of what sounded like regrets concerning our time together. I treasured it too much. "I would have kept it from you indefinitely if I were strong enough for that, but I am not. It would have been better that way." A small smile was given to soften words that had an edge.

She stared at me with a hard to define expression. Was she put off by what I'd said? Or perhaps by me? I could tell she wished to argue the point but could not. "I don't know." It was almost a whisper and seemed more to herself than me.

I paused, trying to find a word to explain the way I felt about it, to highlight the difference between crafting a fantasy, indulging a thought and acting on feelings that were questionable in their rightness. I found it difficult to explain the ways in which I was conflicted. How could I explain the space between the things that I wanted and the things that I should? The idea that were she ever to accept such desires from me, the tainted nature of my own feeling might sully the goodness in her was almost too much to take. Outside of that, there were my own inadequacies with relationships to consider. Hurting her when it could be avoided through something as simple as self-control… that would be truly unforgivable.

"It is unfair to burden you with all this and I did not want to jeopardize our friendship." She nodded and flexed her knee to rest her foot on the cement behind her. Fingers flexed against the side of the slab as she leaned back. "Natsuki?" The agitation that rolled off of her was obvious and intense and she refused to look my way. No response and she seemed utterly lost. When I touched her knee, she visibly startled. "Do you hate me that much?" A fear spoke aloud and it broke my voice in the middle.

"I don't hate you." She was was so serious. "I don't Shizuru." She took a shuddering breath. "But I can't have those feelings."

I held myself tightly, still, and blank. "I did not expect that you would."

There was no pretended calm in her though. Natsuki was clearly shaken. Her left hand slipped along her temple into her hair pressing hard. She hissed when she accidentally touched her injured eye. "Shit."

 _To see how much this disturbed her…_ "Kanin-na, Natsuki. I never meant for this."

"Don't apologize to me. You don't burden me. I'm flattered you..." She stopped. "Shizuru, I want us to be friends." Why those words hurt, I did not understand. It was what I had wanted, for her to accept it. I wanted her to see what I was, the flawed way that I felt, and stay anyway, yet it was still so unbearably painful. That pain when mixed with the anger I felt toward Tomoe-han, it was nearly suffocating. This made no sense... nothing made any sense.

I looked away. "We _are_ friends, are we not?"

"Yeah." There was strange desperation in her eyes and she touched my face. I glanced at her. "We are." The earnestness in fingers and eyes shattered the wall immediately. "I don't wanna hurt you." Her words loosened the hold I had on myself.

"It is sweet of you to be concerned, but you needn't be." A direct lie and one of the few I'd ever given to her. She seemed to realize it and a wall erected itself, like instant steel between us. It divided what had once been there. Something indefinable and wonderful only twenty minutes ago had now evaporated, a bubble burst.

She dropped her hand, squeezing the sleeves of her coat so tightly. The panic radiating from her, the emotion she so obviously felt, it was not something I would have expected. Both of our reactions were not anything I would have expected. I could not be sure what she was afraid of. Perhaps me… perhaps my feelings… perhaps of the touch I'd stolen...

I gave her a questioning gaze and soft smile I could already feel flattening. It was an attempt to comfort her as my body slowly crumbled. The collapse was starting at my feet and slowly creeping upward so there was hope I might hold it together until she left. My mouth would be the last to fall. It seemed so sudden even though she did not move quickly, her pulling me into a hug. I wanted to run away from the warmth and the smell of her so close.

"Please." I waited in stunned silence at the plea in her eyes and voice as she drew back. It was the first I'd ever heard her use that word. "Just don't disappear Shizuru." It was whispered close to my ear and my eyelids disobediently fell closed. Burning lips pressed to the skin of my cheek as she tightened her hold on me. The feel of her was so far away from her words and it confounded my senses.

I nodded through the misery I felt. Why something I knew would happen could still bother me so intensely was outside of my understanding. Why I wanted something I had no business wanting was another of life's gifts. My beeper interrupted us and I finally breathed, shifting my eyes from hers. There was a message from Wang-sensei that seemed urgent. I glanced at her before I lifted myself off the cement.

"I must go, Natsuki." My voice was slightly off because I was much more than slightly off.

"Okay." But it did not sound okay.

A tiny smile to leave her with. It was what I had left and I could not glance back as I walked away. Her eyes when I stood, the anguish that seemed so misplaced given what was occurring between us, it was too upsetting to look on. In half a second those sorrowful emerald pools had turned my insides out. That nausea I'd felt the last time I was sitting on these steps with her… it strengthened tenfold.

A sense of the passage of time was not something my current emotional state permitted and so I do not know how long it took me to reach his office. The meeting consisted of an absurdly awkward conversation in which Sergay Wang explained to me in halting detail that the Research Team had been dissolved by First District Healthcare. I had been suspended pending an investigation. There would be several interviews I would need to attend with the hospital's investigation team, the police detectives, and HR. It was above his head… Homura had been arrested… there was nothing he could do. I sat there in silence, no response gathering in me whatsoever. I sunk down behind the curl of my lips, lost and wondering when the universe had tilted on end. The things he said were just sounds to me, passing barely observed through my mind and I could not find a single thread of concern for my career. There was not a bit of me that cared about anything outside of a rejection that was also acceptance... of a beautiful face marred because of my carelessness... not in this moment. I had said only that I would leave it to him, smiled while he looked on sadly... as though he pitied me. When had I allowed myself to become something pitiable? I walked out of the office and wandered back to the atrium in something of a daze.

"Shizuru!" I turned, fixing my face as Yohko walked into the main lobby. "I've been looking for you all day! Midori found this in one of the boxes you donated. I think it's for you." An envelope with handwriting I recognized immediately fell into my hands and I was nearly knocked down by the force of the emotional surge within me. There was some adage about these sorts of things coming in threes... wasn't there? "Hey, are you okay?" A realization came to her, but she said nothing. Instead, she watched me in silence. The concern stretched from her eyes and filled the space between us.

"Of course," I answered, smiling, my mouth barely cooperating. I absolutely would not allow myself to cry… not here… not in front of another person.

"You look like you need a drink. Reito and I are heading over now, you should come with." She said quietly, squeezing my hand. Her eyes openly studied me. As if on cue, he stepped out from the hallway that ran the length of the hospital, waving happily at me from a distance.

"I have a few things that require my attention, I am afraid." My words felt robotic as I tucked the letter away. I gathered every ounce of composure that remained in me and pushed it out of my pores.

"We'll wait, Shizuru," Reito said cheerfully as he approached.

I did not want anyone around me right now. I wanted to deal with whatever this was and lock myself in my house until my world stopped spinning. "Unfortunately I am not up for a night out I think and I do not wish to delay your fun."

Both of them stared at me and I realized that was not something I would normally say. "Can I offer you a ride home then, to put my own mind at ease?" Reito asked, watching me intently. He'd realized something was wrong. I had not gathered enough calm it seemed.

"Always so thoughtful." The words fell out of my mouth, automatic and empty.

"Ah. Good."

Yohko had given me a hug before I left and it made me wonder how broken I seemed outwardly. I felt as though my entire being were oscillating unpredictably, swelling with feeling, and then shrinking to absolute nothingness. It was an odd sensation, unpleasant, and disorienting. I felt strained to the point of bursting and shrunken to emptiness, opposing sensations that eroded my control further. My silence continued on the ride to my home as I stared at the window, the letter burning a hole in my hip, my hands folded on my lap, and a small smile plastered on my face.

His voice was measured when he finally spoke. "Shizuru, please do not take this to mean that I disrespect your privacy. I will not ask you to speak with me about whatever is bothering you, but I do wish you to know if you wanted to, that if you chose to confide in me, I'm here."

My fingers dragged across the cool glass and it brought a tiny flash of peace, enough that I almost let my forehead join them. I honestly tried to listen, but only heard a bit of what was said. "Ookini Reito." The response required no conscious thought.

I did hear the tiny sigh that escaped him. "I hope that it's not overreaching for me to say that I care for you as a friend and as a friend I am concerned."

I glanced over at him, then down to my lap, focusing on his words as best I could. "It is not my intention to concern you." If it needed to be said, I could say it. "I care for you as well."

He gave me a small smile. "If there is any way that I can make myself of use to you though…"

"Reito is always of use to me." My voice was so tired, but it was the truth and I hoped that it came across as such. He truly was a good friend, but I did not want the company of anyone.

"Know that it is a standing offer Shizuru." He added.

I needed to tell him of the suspension, he would worry. I needed to for the space the truth could provide me with and because I wanted to leave him with anything that said this friendship was not one-sided. "I do not wish to cause you any further worry, so I will tell you that you will not see much of me in the coming week."

He glanced at me quickly. "Why is that?"

I took a moment to collect myself. "It seems I've been suspended. Homura-han has been arrested, something about the HiME project. The team is being investigated." There was discomfort in burdening him with such information, but the pervasive numbness inside me made it bearable.

He was clearly shocked. "That hardly seems fair. Is there nothing that can be done?"

This was too much to discuss right now, I did not care in the slightest. "I am finding it difficult to consider that right now."

He nodded slowly. "Perhaps you'd allow me to drop by during the week then?"

That was unnecessary. "Reito…"

"I'll bring a tea, of course, to make amends for imposing upon you." That boyish grin, it was shy as though he was not sure how it would be received. I was potentially hurting him with my stoniness.

"You do not impose." I corrected as gently as I could. He was perhaps the closest person to me. What I had experienced with Natsuki was always different than this. There were no questionable feelings in me for him. Reito was a friend to me in the strictest sense even if I struggled at returning the favor. I had always wished for a sibling… and I imagined it would be very much like this. "I apologize for my rudeness. I must confess I do not feel very much like talking at the moment." I wished that I were able to confide in him the way that any normal person would in such a situation, to allow him in more than I was. I did not need comfort though... I did not want it... this suffering felt deserved to some degree. I needed time, I needed solitude. I could have neither because I needed to deal with Tomoe-han first; to somehow ensure she would never touch Natsuki again.,

He glanced over at me and nodded, another touch of surprise in his eyes. "No apologies are necessary, Shizuru." I could not really form words to respond, I only wanted the darkness that I found when I closed my eyes. His hand squeezed mine and it took me unaware, the roughness… his thumb tapping at my knuckle… it reminded me of my father's hand on mine. My father's hand.. it had written the letter in my purse beside me… crafted each character. I could not even begin to think on it or what it might say.

**Digression #21: Yamada**   
**Date: February 23** **rd** **, 2014**

_Rorschach Tattoo_ was Yamada's now. His father had left the shop to him some six years ago. It was a piercing and tattoo studio in the Ikebukuro district of Tokyo, he'd redone most of it himself. His father was a tattoo artist who was missing most of the index finger on his right hand, an accident with a table saw in woodshop when he was in high school. The clearest memory Yamada had of him was that stump of a trigger finger vibrating against the tattoo gun while he worked, his modified grip that looked so much like a claw. He'd taught Yamada everything he knew and he'd used it to help put himself through school, working part-time at various studios. Today had been a slow day, which he expected and he'd spent most of it sketching in his office while Akira handled the walk-ins. The boy had taken off an hour ago and he was at the front waiting for the one appointment he had today. Kuga Natsuki, Saeko's daughter, was coming in for the final session on the back piece he'd been working at for a few years with her. Small bits of the tattoo, here and there when she needed information.

It was strange for him to even think of the person he'd been when he knew Saeko. It felt like another life, his days in research. He could remember sitting through his biology courses in college, sketching and re-sketching diagrams from his anatomy books. His notes were almost entirely sketches, arrows, always with labels. Yamada had found himself torn between computers and science in high school. Computers were a fairly new thing back then, but he'd been fascinated with them from the start, with the idea of them, the potential. The older he got, the more he dove into them…the more his interests gravitated toward more controversial uses. He had little concern for the types of activities involving computers that required schooling. It was because of that, he decided to go to school for life sciences instead.

Yamada had always felt closer to animals than people, even as a child. It did not matter what type of animal it was, they resonated with him…that connection drawing him to biology in the first place. When he first entered the workforce, he had enjoyed the research itself, but the structure, the pressure to produce, the rigidness of corporate science, and the animals… it felt so soulless to him.

He'd taken the job as Saeko's second assistant early in his career. When that entire batch of mice had died, bloated and cancer-ridden, he knew it wasn't for him. He'd killed so many damn mice… like a massacre and in the entire time he was there, progress was always at a snail's pace, on the backs of those dead animals. Yamada found sometimes, that when he sketched now for his portfolio and samples, their eyes crept back into his mind, pleading, unknowing, and then lifeless. It had been enough to make him try vegetarianism and to keep him at it for some twenty years now.

Kuga-san had shown up one day out of nowhere, a skinny teenage version of her mother sans glasses, demanding information from him with that voice that was so much deeper than Saeko's and the force of her stare. It was… unexpected… and made him laugh out loud. The girl had more balls than anyone he'd ever met. He had no interest in talking about the HiME project with her and told her as much, pointing to the door. 'No' was not a word she'd understood back then. He'd explained that he ran a business and unless she planned to patronize it, she needed to leave.

They'd locked eyes and the standoff had ended with her marching over to his head piercer, Sara Gallagher, who didn't really know what to make of her either. He remembered watching the girl who was barely older than Kuga push her shaggy, short blonde hair out of her eyes, shooting him helpless, questioning glances every now and then. The day ended with Kuga getting a rook piercing. Yamada had answered a few questions for her out of sheer admiration. After her forth piercing, the tongue, he thought things had gone too far. He'd told her it was unnecessary, that he'd talk to her anyway. To his surprise, she confessed to liking the way they looked, the way they felt even though the tongue piercing was gone by the next time they saw her. She had started asking him about tattoos as well. Some people developed a real taste for it… and he recognized the signs. The first was easy, a stylized comet just below her hairline that dipped down to the base of her neck… the second strange for him… her mother's name on her wrist.

The back piece was something entirely different though. He remembered her asking him about the mixed media prints mounted on the wall of his shop. Yamada had told her they were his designs, watercolor, and ink… he'd seen her looking at them before. She'd asked him to make one for her back and he recalled being shocked by the request. When he'd questioned what she wanted, she had said only that she wanted something like that… that he could choose as long as she saw it beforehand and helped her when she needed information. It was the first time he was ever given artistic license with someone's body and he'd asked for time. Four sessions later here they were.

"Yamada." She nodded.

"Flip the lock, you're my last of the day and I wanna keep it that way." She did as he asked, unperturbed by his tone. The rather blunt delivery was something they had in common. "How'd your back heal?"

"Fine."

"Let's see." She turned around and lifted her shirt as he eyed her mid-back, the black lines that now cut across it. "Looks good Kuga. I put a couple of designs at the desk." He patted her hip, speaking around the lollipop in his teeth, the hard candy clattering softly against them. He was trying to quit smoking, started with a patch, but it drove him crazy, the lack of sensation against his mouth, distracted him from his work. Hard candy or gum seemed to do the trick.

"What's the one over here?"

"That?" He glanced over the glass countertop to the piece of paper she was fingering. "Just popped into my head." In his mind he began listing the colors he'd need.

"It doesn't have a name." She flipped it over to assure herself she hadn't missed it. Yamada always included a label on his work, a throwback from his days in college. It felt unfinished to him without one.

"Most precious person. Haven't written it in yet." He said quietly, distractedly, as he noted improvements he intended to make to the design, considering how he would work it into the existing tattoo. It was two silhouetted figures in an embrace, their forms dissolving into the air. He wasn't sure where the idea had come from… probably a dream.

"Will it fit on my other shoulder?"

"Let me see it for a minute." Natsuki handed it to him. "Turn around and lift your shirt up again." She did, as always, trying to hide the fact that it made her feel bashful. Yamada had no idea how she'd ever gotten her nipples pierced, it still amazed him, shocked Sara too. He lined the design up, pulling his pen from behind his ear and marking the places where it would join her current tattoo. He then turned to the counter and leaned over, sketching a few quick adjustments. Curious green eyes followed the quick movements of his hands. "Maybe like that." He mumbled to himself. "The size I think is good, but you can take a look." Eying it one final time, he slipped it through the thermal fax on the corner of the counter.

After a quick prep of the area, the stencil transfer was applied. Soon enough she was taking in the reflection of her own back via a double mirror, a slow smile breaking over her face.

"Get in the chair and get comfortable. This is gonna take a while." He moved over to the sink, washing his hands and tossing his lollipop in favor of a cherry jolly rancher… no stick. As he began prepping his set up and ink caps, he asked a question first. "So they picked up Homura last night. Anything to do with that article you dropped off?"

"It's coming out in a week, but yeah. We gave the stuff to the cops."

"How'd you figure all that out? Did you get the rest of the info from Kaiji?"

"Some from Sakomizu, you…and others. I didn't hassle him with it too much, it bugs him to talk about." She said.

"Doesn't surprise me. He was crazy about your mom."

"What?!" She jerked.

"Relax Kuga." Yamada paused in his work, shrugging. "Guess you didn't know."

"No!" She tapped her fingers against her arm.

"That's his business then, it wasn't a secret. Saeko knew."

The woman peered over her shoulder. "She did?"

"Turned the poor guy down a million times." He finished spreading the ointment and began outlining. The whir of the tattoo gun made it so they had to raise their voices a bit.

"What I don't understand is why she let Homura do the first study."

"Saeko?" A nod. "She always wanted to go down a different route with it, thought it was too dangerous trying to treat with it which I agreed with. She wanted to use it as a prophylactic for people with a history of cancer, but Iwasaka wouldn't bite on it. There's no money in prevention. She was beating her head against the wall. Maybe she just had a moment of weakness. Homura probably talked her into it."

She scoffed. "Why can't you make money? There are more than enough people with a family history."

"It's paltry. Medication needs to be long-term for it to be profitable. Iwasaka knows that. They would never have okayed' it. They need you sick, otherwise, the cash flow stops. That's how the money's made." He grinned when she slumped. The girl was so unexpectedly idealistic. "Fuuka's owned by First District right?"

"Yeah."

"So who owns First District and Iwasaka?"

She shook her head. "Searrs."

He dapped at her skin. "First guess."

"I knew about First District at least. What would they want with First District Healthcare and Iwasaka?"

"They moved Homura right in, didn't they? Fuuka Hospital's a rich kid's game. Homura could grab the best and brightest. I bet he had a whole team of 'beautiful people' charming people into signing up for his studies. It's good business, pretty sweet little system they built."

"Why's it always about money?" She grumbled, as Sara came bouncing out from the back room, a satchel emblazoned with the bat signal over her shoulder.

A wide smile covered her face as she jumped into the conversation. "Money makes the world go 'round. The difference is you and I know it."

Yamada nodded. "Curse of the intelligent slave."

The blonde woman smiled before she passed around to take a look at Yamada's work. "I like it." Sara cocked her head to the side. "How's the boyfriend taking you getting another tattoo?"

"He's not." The dark-haired woman answered, quietly but with a definite edge. Sara crossed her arms and mouthed the word 'whoops' to Yamada as he dabbed at the skin again. He shrugged because he didn't really care one way or another.

"I hope you find someone who appreciates art this time," Sara commented on her way out. "It's really beautiful."

"Gallagher, put on some music before you go. Any requests Kuga?"

She sighed, a light blush on her cheeks. Must've been the beautiful comment he realized. "I don't care."

Yamada had a thing for jazz music and the smooth sounds filtered out immediately, mellow and rhythmically interesting.

"Have a good night you two."

Natsuki waved her right hand stiffly over her shoulder and then gripped the chair as he passed over the spine of her scapula.

"Need a break?" He asked.

"No. How does Iwasaka tie in?"

"Smith Consulting probably. They must be at Fuuka too, right?"

"They're the guys on the ground for SEARRS."

"That would be my guess. SEARRS gets to control research at both institutions, Iwasaka gives Fuuka grants for studies using their pharmaceuticals, Fuuka produces scholarship and some rushed study saying it works, Iwasaka submits the drug for approval, distribution begins, sell it to patients and then SEARRS makes a killing. It's perfect really."

"That's all SEARRS wants? Money?"

"Come on now..." He chuckled ruefully. "Continuous cash flow and control of the market. They're a corporation, that's all any corporation wants. It's business. I've been following First District and Iwasaka since they picked up Homura. They definitely know about your article."

"Yeah?"

"They've been shifting money, some strange stuff financially and First District is definitely prepping for the storm. They're in a panic. Homura's finances are suspect too. He was selling some part of the project it looks like."

"What part?" She was definitely curious.

"Don't know. The whole thing is shady. Any ideas?"

"I didn't see anything. I don't know if the protocol I saw was legitimate or not though. It probably wasn't."

"Homura was shifting money around all over the place for those studies. He was using some of the funds for something else. I can't tell what, but from the purchase orders in the lab, it looks like he was developing something besides what was listed or hiding something he was purchasing. Probably those other versions of the serum initially, but it never stopped. He was always working on something. I wonder if that's what caught Smith's attention."

"Smith gave me the information on him."

"That was well played. Give it to the revenge-seeking daughter. They can't submit a bunch of illegally attained incriminating evidence. Give it to you though, you give it to the papers. It's a way around the system."

"They used me." She seemed like she knew that already. "I was wondering how."

"It's Smith Kuga, you can't trust them. What did you expect?"

"I don't care if they use me, I just wanted to make it right."

"For Saeko?" Her silence was enough of an answer. "Smith isn't gonna help you make it right. They just want Homura gone. He became an inconvenience or a liability, just like your mother. Now, they get rid of him. The question is why? Because it sure as hell isn't just what Smith gave you."

"You think there's more to it?"

"Without a doubt. Iwasaka at least had to know, probably First District too. He must've pissed them both off." He pulled back to glance at his progress.

She was obviously frustrated. "Nothing I did matters then."

"Of course it matters Kuga. However you slice it, Homura was killing people, you stopped that. So, maybe it wasn't exactly what you wanted, but you stopped it. I'm sure Saeko would be thankful for that. She wouldn't have wanted her research used that way. Your mother was a scientist, she believed in what she was doing … worked her whole life for something, trying to create magic in a bottle, help people and it got turned into a profit machine. She was on her way too and then it all got ripped from her. She had to get her hands dirty, probably by signing that approval and that would've driven her nuts… just like not being able to get all these guys drives you nuts. Forgive her that, let her have a bit of weakness. Justice and good are ideals and ideals don't have much in the way of real-world application. Ideals aren't human and they definitely aren't business."

Her shoulders tensed. "So what the hell do you do then?"

Yamada tapped her shoulder. "First you relax."

"Sorry." Her shoulders dropped from her ears and he helped her roll them forward again.

"Then you buy a cabin, live in the woods, hunt your own food, and learn to sew. That's about the best option."

He didn't need to see, to know she was frowning. "Great. That's helpful"

He continued on in his monotone, leaning over her back as he worked. "The system's too big for anyone to take on Kuga. Stay outside it. Even if you could get rid of Homura, Smith, First District, and SEARRS there are ten more of them waiting in the wings. Knowing it's there is enough to keep you from getting caught up. You gotta let it go, some fights aren't worth fighting. You could drive yourself insane with the injustices of this world, waste your whole life with it, plus there's always collateral. If fighting the good fight doesn't get you, if you can avoid dropping down to their level, then the collateral will."

"Then there's still no point."

"Maybe, maybe not. Make enough small differences, they add up, but you can't pull off a revolution by yourself." He paused, flexing his fingers, and adjusting his grip. "And if you're gonna keep fighting… well, there's not that much that's really beautiful in this life… free from the baggage that comes with money, power, and politics. If you find something that is, forget about what anyone else thinks, put the fight aside, and appreciate the hell out of it. That's all I can really say."

He could sense her thinking deeply on what he'd said, which surprised him…even if Akira and Sara came to him with questions, looked at him like children do their father. He never much felt like what he said mattered and he found himself puzzled when people really listened. It didn't concern him tremendously either way… if she found something worth hearing in what he said, more the better. He refocused on his work, letting the strains of "So What" float through his mind and hands. Nothing was more beautiful than Miles Davis and artistic freedom…he planned to appreciate the hell out of both.

**Aside #21: The Article** _(Item)_

_**HiME Project: The Human Cost of Medical Research  
** Tokiha T._

_HiME's story begins almost 40 years ago when a group of longevity researchers journeyed to the island of Micronesia. They spent several months living alongside and studying one of its tribes. Among these researchers was a young graduate student by the name of Kuga Saeko. After years of research, Kuga was able to isolate a promising gene from the samples taken on this trip, which was dubbed the 'HiME' gene. A research venture based upon the work of the late Kuga Saeko, The HiME project, was launched with the intended purpose of creating a potential cancer treatment from the gene. The project was run by Kuga herself until her unexpected death in 1993. Homura Nagi, a Research Assistant at the time, was appointed the head of the project in the wake of her tragic passing._

_Upon reviewing the published studies, it would be easy to dismiss the HiME project as no more than a poorly run study on an ultimately ineffective cancer treatment. However, unaltered study protocols discovered by the investigation team further alarms. Their comparison to the altered, published studies demonstrated worrying disparities between the two. Reviews of purchase orders from the laboratory at Fuuka Hospital and medication lot numbers showed that the identity of the serums used in the studies was deliberately misrepresented. From the uncovered material, a far more complex and ethically concerning story emerges._

_Understanding the deceptions allegedly crafted by Homura requires a bit of background. Japan has a vaccination program in place for Tuberculosis. In countries such as the US or Great Britain, this is not the case. A skin tuberculin injection is utilized instead, to test for the presence of disease. Those who have been vaccinated for Tuberculosis will often come up positive on the skin test, a raised red rash appearing on the skin surface. Newly uncovered information indicates Homura was able to engineer a version of the HiME therapy that utilized a similar mechanism to the tuberculin skin test. Falsified study protocols and personal study notes suggest that HiME serum was disguised as a Tuberculosis screening, and made part of the mandatory enrollment process for new study participants in the HiME study groups. It has been discovered that two versions of the study protocol were created for each individual HiME study. All sources suggest that the purpose behind the creation of a second protocol was to hide the usage of illegal and unapproved versions of the serum created._

_It is important to understand that research studies utilize a control group, which acts to show that the effects of the drug are not due to coincidence or a placebo effect. The unaltered study protocols suggest that what some control group participants received instead of tuberculin was a stronger, untested version of the HiME therapy. These protocols show that test group participants did not receive the untested HiME therapy, but were given the described tuberculin tests. According to published HiME studies, the positive results on skin tests for both the control group and the test group were accepted by physicians as the expected positive due to the Tuberculosis vaccination. It is not clear that there is any method, which could be used to delineate whether positive results are due to HiME or the tuberculosis vaccination. The process went undetected, due to the falsified study protocols created for each study._

_Records show the test groups received the HiME serum in a different, significantly weaker version. The most troubling component of the entire deception involves differences in the uncovered protocols with respect to the version of the serum given to the test group. Unaltered, unpublished study protocols list a dangerous, discontinued version of the HiME serum as having been given to these already ill patients. This version of the serum is reported to have accelerated disease in laboratory animals, and therefore was abandoned as a treatment. Test group participants were required to meet stringent entrance criteria, including the presence of terminal cancers. It was this requirement that led Kazahana Mashiro, President of Fuuka Hospital, in concert with Iwasaka Pharmaceutical to assemble the investigation team. When compared to national statistics, the HiME treatment actually appears to accelerate the disease process. These results would suggest that the discontinued version of the serum was in fact administered to the test group patients._

_Private correspondences uncovered by independent sources as well as empirical evidence indicate that Homura's true interests were in the effect of the drug on healthy individuals, rather than the creation of a new cancer treatment. Consulting researcher, Sakomizu Kaiji, is quoted as saying "the only conclusion I can draw in examining the study protocols and results, is that the test group and HiME as a treatment were of no concern to Homura. The studies were merely a vehicle for his experiments with the control group."_

_Both Iwasaka Pharmaceutical and First District Healthcare are in the process of filing lawsuits against Homura for as yet undisclosed reasons. Much is still unclear as concerns the investigation, the HiME project, and most of all the motivations of Homura Nagi himself. What remains clear is that the study violated International established guidelines for research on human subjects, including the three most basic tenants: beneficence, respect for persons, and justice. It should be noted that it is medically impossible to attribute the accelerated deaths of the patients lost during the course of the HiME studies to the treatment itself, due to their preexisting conditions._

_One rogue scientist, 64 study participants lost, and 19 years of illegal research. What occurred at Fuuka Hospital was an avoidable travesty. The loss of human life and equally important, the loss of trust in one of Japan's well-respected Institutes of Medicine is reason to push for more regulation and better monitoring in the field of medical research._


	22. Pitiable Creature, Mikoto, and Tender

**Narrative #22: Pitiable Creature**   
**Date: March 3** **rd** **, 2014 … a Monday**

It had been a miserable weekend, a miserable morning. I wanted to say that I spent the time thinking of my father, but I had not even been able to bring myself to open the letter. Most of my thoughts were of Natsuki which made me feel like some pitiable creature. Before that shuttle ride, I had a comfort level with my life, I'd thought. I had an occasional lover, I went for drinks with friends and now somehow I had a dead father, a woman that I was quite possibly in love with who did not share my feelings, a suspension from work, and a hostile Resident who was convinced we were in some sort of secret affair. _In love with Natsuki_...I'd just thought that, hadn't I? Was it something I was admitting to myself now? Did I love her in whatever way I was capable of? Was that what felt like fire in my chest, consuming and relentless? Perhaps the universe was attempting to teach me a lesson too abstract for me to grasp or karma had come 'round all at once. It was difficult to care which, if either, was correct.

A knock on my door caught me by surprise. I had no idea who it could be and not the slightest desire to see. The person was rather insistent though. Reluctantly I lifted myself from the floor and walked to the door. The universe was an instructor with a rather unpleasant sense of humor.

"Marguerite-han." I blocked the doorway with my body watching her warily. I did not want to consider what mischief had led to her getting my address. I had asked her to meet me Saturday morning, but she was away for the weekend. My intention had been to arrange something with her, but I supposed that would no longer be necessary. She'd apparently skipped her Residency today. I'd thought about how to solve this issue, wanted to wait until I was more stable, but I was not improving quickly. It could be not be ignored, not in the wake of what she'd done to Natsuki.

"Shizuru." _So excited to see me_. The anger stirred in me immediately.

"What are you doing at my home?" My voice was cool, far cooler than the emotions within me.

She was confused and that concerned me. "I came to see you."

"How did you find my address?"

"You asked me to come. I missed you." An outstretched hand and I moved mine away.

"Marguerite-han, you misunderstand my purpose in meeting you." The quick correction seemed to unsettle her.

"All that's over, Sensei. We don't have to pretend anymore. We can be together now." A smile, soft and almost believable.

"That is not…"

"I can get you a job at Artai, Shizuru. I have one for when I graduate already." Had she not absorbed even the slightest sense of disinterest from me?

"I do not intend to leave Fuuka."

She nodded, looking oddly chastised before running a hand through her hair. "I'm sorry, this is moving so fast." When she looked up again, it was with something of a guilty smile.

I was taken aback and felt myself blinking. "Marguerite-han, again you misunderstand me."

"What am I misunderstanding Shizuru?" _Everything._ "I mean, of course, you can keep this house if you wanted to! I'll get an apartment out there and you can stay there when…"

I interrupted. "I will not be coming to see you at Artai."

"Why not?" An edge to the question now.

"What you believe exists between us, Marguertie-han, does not," I said keeping her eyes.

"Is this because of Kuga?" She nearly spat the name and I stared at her, my skin feeling chilled at her hardened gaze… such hatred in it. "You shouldn't have left with her after we kissed. That was too far." _Too far from what?_

I kept my face as still as I could. "You are fortunate she is choosing not to press charges. That was horrible, what you did to her."

She looked away for a moment and then stared at me, jaw stiff… mind stiff… and I wrapped the sides of my cardigan tighter around my body. Her expression seemed to melt into affection once more and my anxiousness began to pick at me. "Don't be angry. I did it for us Shizuru."

I wished that she would stop calling me by my name. The sound of it from her lips was grating on my ears. All I wanted in the world right now was to be alone, yet I had to deal with this, make her understand that she was not to touch Natsuki ever again, that there could be nothing between us. I did not know how to break through the lies she allowed herself to believe. She seemed so unreachable.

"Don't you think you should be able to get away with anything if it's for the sake of the one you love?" I wished her perspective was foreign to me, but it was not and that shook me. The things she said, the looks she gave, how much of them were mine as well…it had always unseated me.

"Marguerite-han,"

"Don't call me that. Call me by my name, Shizuru. Please!" Another reach for me, but I drew away again. I did not want our skin to meet. Some irrational part of me was afraid that the contact might cause further transference, bring us closer.

Why did I want so badly to make her understand the wrong in what she was doing? Because I needed her to, didn't I? Because I needed to think she was savable. It was not healthy to put so much of myself in this, but I could not stop even in seeing this for what it was. Heartsickness and twists of violence and pangs of aching guilt, they were all I could reach right now.

"The things that you think I feel are not the truth. I know that it may seem that way, but…"

Her gray eyes widened, panic growing in them. _Such a strong reaction._ "How can you say that? We belong together."

"We do not." I countered. The notion that I belonged with anyone had been floating away from me for years.

"Don't you understand Shizuru? I would do anything to have you. Who else can say that?" That tone and that gaze _,_ they were so dangerous, so unpleasant to look upon, made me so uncomfortable. Still, there was a part of me that wanted to surrender myself to her just so this would all stop. It was only the fact that she'd injured Natsuki… hurt her beautiful face in the name of some sickness we shared which forced me to pursue a resolution in this. I needed an ending. "Shizuru, you have to come with me! I know that's why you had me transferred." _Such desperation._

"It was because your behavior was not appropriate that you were transferred, Marguerite-han." Was that hypocritical of me to say?

"I'm sorry about switching the bags Shizuru, but it was only saline." I felt my eyes widening again, Haruka's warnings flashing back to me.

"Why would you do such a thing?"

"She was always hanging on you. I got tired of it. Arika was taking up all of your time on purpose!" I could not imagine why I kept asking her questions. The answers were worse than ignorance. In my silence, she studied me before whispering, "She was trying to keep you away from me."

"I cannot imagine you truly believe that."

"You didn't see it in her, Shizuru." Shaking her head as if this were some playful exchange, she continued. "No one else would do what I would to be with you. Everything you're saying, this isn't you, Sensei. What about when we kissed?"

I shook my head this time and kept her gaze. I searched it for some flash of understanding, some hidden acknowledgment she was running from, there was none. " _We_ did not kiss. If you think you can win a person's heart in the way you went about it…"

A bit of panic flashed. "What are you talking about? Why are you lying to me? I love you Shizuru. I can't think of anything but you. You're mine and you feel it too! What did Kuga say to you?"

Her words stroked the seed of anger in my stomach and my voice lost all emotion. "What does or does not exist between us has nothing to do with Natsuki."

"Natsuki?! You can say her name to my face when you can't speak mine? Don't be so cold to me, Shizuru. Why are you doing this?"

"Marguerite-han,"

"CALL ME TOMOE, SHIZURU!" It was shouted with a nakedness I felt down to my bones, the grip she now held on one wrist was felt to my bones as well. I did not want this. There was no room left in my mind for it. Every bit of me seemed to scream in unison, a resounding plaintive wail that leaked through my eyes and fingertips, filled me near to bursting.

"I meant this meeting only to ensure what you did the other night would not happen again." I twisted my hand to free it, the pressure leaving a throb that reminded me of what connected us.

I observed her silently and she moved a half-step forward. "Tell me you love me! Say it." An anguished and tortured plea. I could smell the scent of her shampoo and I had never been less attracted to so pretty a smell, so pretty a face. Every inch of my skin was crawling with the tension born of her nearness.

"I would be lying if I said it," I answered quietly and she sucked in a breath, looking wounded. What did I need to say? What did I need to do to stop this?

"Sensei, that time in your office when you asked me to apologize...you said it was for you! You knew, you knew I would do it! When you came to work with me because of Arika's lines, you knew it was what I wanted, that it was to bring us back to each other. The hug on your birthday. just like you knew we could be together if you transferred me… the way you touched me when you talk to me, the way you smile, the way you flirted with me all through my first year…why? Why would you make me believe it if it wasn't true?" Her arm came around the side of me, pressing on the doorframe. "You love me. It has to be the reason you did those things."

"It is not." But I did do all of those things, didn't it? Reality seemed to shift beneath me yet again, to collapse in on itself, reforming monstrously. What was true in this and what was hers? I suddenly could not sort through it. Was that what I was doing with Natsuki? Imagining what was happening… taking bits of what occurred between us and assembling a lie to lean on? Affection where there was none? I'd made a story that comforted me in my misplaced affections when the actuality of it… the bared truth was that there was only me and what I wished was there.

"Then why?" I could not think of an answer, a way to explain that it was true but not in the way she perceived it. "Shizuru." I closed my eyes against the disgust I felt for the both of us. "You have to tell me you love me too."

When I opened them there was nothing but stormy gray a breath away from me, from my mask of calm. "I cannot tell you that because it is not the truth. You do not love me either Marguerite-han."

"YES I DO! LISTEN TO ME!" This yelling, this wretched agitation in her voice, my eyes slipped closed against it yet again. Darkness was better. Darkness was so much better because in it I could grab at the floating bits of defense left in me. Peeling eyelids unveiled more fury and pain, but her voice was soft. "Please, please... just say it."

"What you feel, it is not love. You cannot see past your own feelings. I understand what that is like, but you must…"

"Then you should understand I can't stop feeling this way. Not 'til I have you!" She was so much like me, headstrong and surer of her own thoughts than she was of anything else. Her other arm came to rest beside my head. I moved it away, pressed it down. "Let me have you." It was almost a whisper, a beg.

I tried my best to stay rational, but we were not speaking inside of any history I could recognize and this situation was getting out of hand. "And what about my feelings? Do they not concern you?"

"You're scared of them because you were my Sensei… _were_ Shizuru, but it's okay now. It doesn't matter. It never really did, because we love each other." She blushed as she re-wrote our entire conversation, voice so gentle, a poorly assembled imitation of real love. "Tell me Kuga is nothing to you." I felt my face solidify against the thoughts in my head.

I looked her in the eye steadily. "Marguerite-han, _this_ …is nothing to me." A slap of her hand beside my head, bared teeth, and uneven rises of her chest. I felt my eyes widen the smallest amount. Her intensity was suffocating and frightening.

"DON'T" Her breath hit my face and she paused, coming down a little. "Don't pretend with me Shizuru. We're a match. We're the same. I don't care that you can be cold, I can too. We have that in us, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. We're different than other people. It's not your fault that the others are weak, that Kuga is weak. She's beneath you." She pulled me to her, kissing me suddenly. A hand forced itself beneath my shirt quickly, nails raking the skin of my abdomen and digging in hard enough to make me gasp.

Thoughts swirled in me, that perhaps this was all some great punishment for my past wrongs, that I deserved exactly this thing to happen. I deserved this thing that was so hollow, and ugly, and full of delusion... that fighting this, fighting Tomoe or those pieces of myself I saw in her was an exercise in futility.

My body though had another reaction entirely. It did not freeze as it had before. The anger that crystallized at her words pulled a different reaction from my muscles. Instead, my free hand shot out before I could process any of my movements. I'd slapped her with some force, the sting that radiated through my hand told me as much. I had never hit another person out of spite in my life, yet I felt justified in it. The idea that it had felt right if even for a moment was unsettling. Was it right though? Was I right? What else could I have done? I could have dealt with this in the first place before she laid a hand on Natsuki, but I had not. Whatever lies I'd told myself about how Natsuki felt, what I held for her inside me, the version of love that dwelled in me, distorted as it may have been… it demanded this retribution, reveled in it.

She clutched her cheek with the most wounded look I'd ever seen blanketing her features. Pain and rage were seeping from her as she backed away from me. Her face was so changed by the emotions. "You hit me."

The deluge of sensation shut me down and I felt as blank as my expression. "Did you not hit _her_ Marguerite-han?"

My words seemed to harden her further. "Fine. Stand there like nothing is happening. I can do that too, but it doesn't change what we feel Shizuru." The look that settled on her face, almost calm as the pink relief of my hand slowly emerged on her cheek… it was worse than anything I'd seen on her before. "We love each other and she doesn't deserve you. You already gave her more than she ever deserved when you fucked her." _If she had said anything even remotely close to that to Natsuki…_

My eyes closed, words I did not want to say gathering on the tip of my tongue. The swell of anger was fading and concentrating into nothingness again, rising tides of aggression that crested and then fell to emotional silence. "You will not touch her again." I hated my own voice when it held that tone…emptiness, just emptiness.

She nearly threw herself at me. Her crumbling rage increased her strength and I could not slip away so easily. "Then say what we have!"

My eyes opened and I was so very… done with everything, with all of this. Her hands pushing me, her mouth pushing me…

"Do we not have a little girl with a crush on her teacher? Isn't that all this is? No one has ever told you 'no', have they? You cannot bear it so you've played a game of pretend. Imagining us together in the darkness of your room… imagining secrets between us. Did you keep things perhaps? Little things you thought meant there was something there? An imagined love? Because the truth is too difficult for you… because the truth is that you mean nothing to me and I do not think of you. I've never thought of you and I am telling you 'no' now." The words I said, they rang inside me, numbing.

Her face fell immediately. She reset her mouth, but could not completely erase the sneer that stole its corners. Steeled eyes almost matched the void I was certain resided inside of me. When she spoke, it was softly and near my ear. "This is all her fault." I tested her grip on my wrists, freeing one. "I don't believe you."

Her words nudged and poked at me. "Release my hand, Marguerite-han."

She smiled at me, so out of place. Her lips moved against my ear, thigh pushing hard against me as she captured my other wrist again. "She walks around like she's on the level… but we can see through it. People like her… they can't be with people like us. They're not strong enough. You'll hurt her and you know it." I felt my anger gathering, pressing, straining…I wanted to kill the part of me that was listening to her own poison words because they were already sinking in. "People like her only hurt because they're weak, Shizuru. She doesn't deserve you."

In an instant I'd reversed our positions, could not even recall how I'd done it and she seemed duly shocked. When I spoke it was against her ear this time. "You should never have laid a hand on her. It was the only thing she did not deserve."

The noise she made… it took me a moment to place it. It was a laugh…an odd pained laugh… desperation and injury vocalized. "Be cruel to me. Hurt me and I'll love you anyway. No one else will." We stood there staring at each other, my hands holding her arms to the doorframe. The air expanded in my lungs… devoid of nourishment and stale. "Shizuru…this would be easier if you just let me touch you. You belong to me anyway. I can make this better."

It seemed impossible to me that she would try to kiss me yet again, but she did. She was unsavable… we were unsavable… and I felt wholly defeated. What was the difference then if I stopped this or not? If I wanted this or not? What did anything matter? But my passivity in this... it had already caused Natsuki more trouble than it ever should have. I let one arm go, pressed a hand to her cheek and pushed her face back. My vision swam the image of a blacked eye, Tomoe's empty gaze. I pushed her away, pushed all of it away. She stumbled toward the front step.

I would go to the police. I would text Natsuki to warn her. I would attempt to take care of this legally, but talking to Marguerite-han… it had accomplished nothing and I could take no more of it. I made to move back inside, intending to shut the door… shut myself off from any more of this.

Her hand snapped out to catch mine. "STOP!" Her voice was so much like a command and I felt the rage collect in my stomach. Hers spewed outward, shaking her. She shoved me again, held my wrists again. "THIS ISN'T HOW THIS WORKS! You can't do this. That stupid woman! She's ruining us Shizuru. I swear..."

I wrenched one wrist free quickly, making space between us. I was so sick with the whole experience. The feel of her fingers pressing into my skin, her voice pressing into my head, her legs against mine… I'd reached my limit with it. "You will not touch or speak to Natsuki ever again. I will do what is necessary to ensure that Marguerite-han."

"What would you do to me Sensei? The same things I would do to her? That's what makes us a match." She stared at me, grip tightening to a bruising intensity and I said absolutely nothing. I did not know what I would do, not if pushed that far. Her words, I wanted her entire face to look like Natsuki's eye. I wanted to hit her hard enough that she would stop, hard enough that I would never hear her speak again, hard enough that it broke me too. I wanted to control whatever else happened, to be in control of something, I wanted to make this end one way or another. I twisted my wrist from her grasp, ignoring the pain it caused. She grabbed me yet again with surprising strength, the darkness in her eyes swirling with the first twinkle of acknowledgment I'd seen. "I'll leave Kuga alone, just," With a sudden sinking feeling, the anger and hatred I felt becoming lead in my stomach. I knew exactly what she would say before her whisper broke over my ear like the snapping of a twig. "Let me have you, Shizuru."

At that moment, I felt the last vestiges of my control, the tiny bits I had been grabbing at, melt away. I felt myself detaching, simply unable to stand any more, unable to care as long as it meant that Natsuki's involvement in all of this would end. It felt inevitable suddenly, the conclusion of this, deserved was the word I kept returning to.

" _ **Pardon me, ladies. My apologies for the interruption!"**_ She released me out of pure shock and turned to see a man I'd met during the HiME team meetings.

"Smith-han?" The words were out of my mouth quickly. How was it that these people knew where I lived?

" _ **Miss Marguerite, I'm afraid these gentlemen will have to ask you to come with them."**_ He indicated two suited men standing behind him. I immediately, instinctually smoothed my clothes. I was absolutely perplexed, agitated, and thrown.

"What?" Tomoe-han appeared equally confused, but at least she was not so unpleasantly close to me.

" _ **These men have a few things to discuss with you at the behest of your uncle."**_ A man whose eyes matched hers lifted a hand from the car I noticed parked in my driveway. He did not look pleased.

"My Uncle?" Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. I did not understand what was going on in the least…

" _ **I'm pleased we have an understanding."**_ She stared back at me as two men in suits escorted her to the car. Smith-han walked into my home and closed the door behind us. _**"We've met before, so no introductions. Shall we sit?"**_

I stared at him, switching to English as well. _**"Smith-han,"**_

" _ **I'm sure you must find this strange, but I have a few issues to discuss with you regarding HiME."**_

Why in my home? Why not at the hospital? My manners tugged at me for attention like children at their mother's pant leg even through my stupefaction and upset. _ **"Can I get you some tea?"**_

" _ **Black tea if it's not too much trouble."**_

" _ **One moment."**_ I was horribly stunned, barely holding myself together but the familiar motions seemed to stabilize me somewhat. Though I preferred green tea, the type was of little consequence to me. I took the time in my kitchen to pull as much of myself together as I could.

I brought the tea and cups in. _**"Thank you so much."**_ I took a seat, folding my hands, but I could not focus on a single thought. I could not catch even one. _**"It seems as though your morning has been rather trying Miss Viola. Shall we cut to the chase then?"**_ My hands froze at the name. It hadn't been said to me in so long.

" _ **How do you…"**_

" _ **Such information is not terribly difficult to find for a man in my position."**_ What position was that?

I was exhausted with these surprises, these trials that keep emerging. I wanted him to go away. _**"Excuse me for**_ _ **saying so, but uncovering personal histories seems beyond the duties of a consultant Smith-han."**_

He gave a small smile, eyes watching from beneath tiny glasses. _**"A consultant is a rather non-descript term, Miss Viola. A consultant can advise on any number of things."**_ An entirely too vague answer and though it was difficult to find any real concern through the bubbling mass of confusion inside me. I was mildly curious as to what exactly Homura had gotten himself involved with, what I had allowed myself to become mixed up with. _**"In this case, I represent the interests of First District Healthcare and Iwasaka Pharmaceutical. Since Miss Marguerite required our attention as well, I figured I might as well take the opportunity to have a necessary discussion with you. Kill two birds with one stone so to speak."**_

_**"Efficient."** _

" _ **Quite. As you're aware, you signed quite a few confidentiality, HIPAA, and nondisclosure agreements when you began with us on the Research Team. What an unfortunate mess that turned out to be. Apologies on behalf of my employers are certainly due. Such crimes as those perpetrated by Mr. Homura require a swift and decisive response from the hospital. Surely you can appreciate that First District was put in a terrible position. It was nothing personal."**_

" _ **Of course,"**_ I answered carefully. He wanted to ensure I did not intend to speak about this? At least it would not be an emotionally trying conversation.

" _ **So there are no hard feelings Miss Viola? We can expect that you will not discuss any further details of the HiME project with the press? Even with the younger brother of your acquaintance, Miss Tokiha?**_ " I did not even know that Mai-han had a younger brother. He reached into the briefcase he'd carried in with him, the popping of the locks startling my frayed nerves. He took a magazine from it and slid the printed material toward me. _**"You may find page 23 enlightening. There's been an exposé of sorts published on the project. I don't mean to push you, but I will need an answer on this."**_

An exposé? What was all of this? Did I even want to know right now? Reluctantly I lifted the periodical and opened to the page in question. _'Hime Project: The Human Cost of Medical Research'_ … my stomach turned at the title alone. He was waiting for an answer and I forced one. _**"I will not discuss the project, no."**_ It was the truth. Exploiting this had never crossed my mind.

" _ **Excellent.**_ _ **Then there is a second matter. As I'm sure you've surmised, we are well aware of your past Miss Viola. Fuuka Hospital cannot afford any more scandal and an affair between a physician and a well-connected Resident would certainly qualify, most especially with the added sensationalism your respective genders would bring. A lengthy court case where your prior history is dragged out and held beneath a magnifying glass would be expected given her family's legal connections. I think we can agree no one wants that."**_ My first thought was of the shame it would bring to my family name, to the name of my dead father. Even in death, it seemed I could disgrace him. _**"Given Miss Marguerite's rather uncouth handling of a delicate situation, my hand has been forced. Fortunately enough, she has familial obligations and expectations her uncle was all too happy to remind her of. I'm certain you can relate. I understand your hesitance to be tied in with such a result, given what you yourself experienced. However...in the interest of honesty, Miss Viola, your choice in the matter is an illusion at this point. It has already been set in motion. Having spent the morning discussing matters with Miss Marguerite's uncle, I must admit he does not seem like a flexible fellow. His mind is made and we've no option but to accept our roles in it. I imagine it brings things full circle for you in some respects. Though that might be uncomfortable, I can assure you if you cooperate you'll see no more of Miss Marguerite and none of this will become public. In that sense, this solution works to your advantage."**_

So that was the end of this. Tomoe-han would be ostracized and reigned in harshly by a family who shunned her not because she was so obviously out of control, but because I was a woman? The reasonable part of me kicked in through the fog, my mother's voice. Tomoe-han had brought shame to her family as well. Were we not both deserving of this type of punishment? We both could not control ourselves, could not bury our desires, even at the expense of others. Perhaps it was as my mother had said, a lesson to be learned. Yet like sitting across from her all those years ago, I still could not fully believe these thoughts, could not feel their truth. All of this seemed so terribly wrong and I felt as though I'd been dropped into free-fall. _**"What are you asking of me, Smith-han?"**_

" _ **A quiet settlement. Her uncle and I are in agreement that it is in the best interest of all parties involved. Your colleague, Miss Armitage has connections in the police force she will attempt to use. She will push the issue. Go along with it, but understand this will go no further legally. Nothing beyond a restraining order is to progress. You will accompany Miss Armitage to the police station, turn in any incriminating documentation, your phone, your e-mails, any notes, and anything that ties you to Miss Marguerite. The restraining order will go through. However, you must agree not to press charges for what occurred just now and it would be in your best interest to ask that your lover does not either. Quite the nasty bruise she has."**_ His words were like another scratch on my skin. One image came to me through the muddled mess of my mind, Natsuki's beautiful face.

" _ **Kuga-han is not my lover. I cannot say what she will or will not do."**_ My comment seemed to surprise him, but I had only one concern about this. _**"Can you assure that Marguerite-han will not be allowed near Kuga-han? That is important to me."**_

" _ **That has already been assured per the request of another of my clients. Your decision is yours alone."**_ What good would fighting this do? Even if it were taken to court, even if I did press charges, what would come of that? This way Tomoe-han would be gone… Natsuki would be safe… and I would bring no further dishonor to my father, it was the choice that made sense. I could not quite comprehend what in it was so distasteful that I hesitated, especially given the alternative Tomoe-han had so readily offered. Perhaps the truth was I wanted to suffer, felt that I should.

" _ **You have my word,"**_ I said because Natsuki's safety was most important, but it felt like a far too gentle a surrender to some fate I was as yet unaware of.

" _ **Very well. May I suggest you change your phone number and e-mail address as whatever you have now will not be usable? Your hospital laptop and all materials related to HiME have been removed as part of the investigation. The hospital will furnish you with a new laptop. Thank you for your assistance in this Miss Viola. Hopefully, we can both save each other a little embarrassment. I do hope your day improves."**_ He paused in my doorway. _ **"Miss Viola,"**_

" _ **Yes?"**_

" _ **I do wonder if you realize why Homura chose you."**_

" _ **I did not consider it."**_ Perhaps he intended to frame me. It would make sense, given how little information he shared with me and the continuous upward shift in my level of responsibility. In truth, I did not really want to understand it.

Another one of those small unsettling smiles. _ **"You and I are very similar."**_ I was so tired of hearing that. _**"The realization that**_ _ **perception is the only reality, it's rather powerful.**_ _ **You and I both work in altered perception. You rewrote a questionable study as an appealing prospect with only the power of your charisma. M**_ _ **r. Homura would never have been as successful without you there to convince his participants. It was a stroke of luck he found you.**_ _ **It's quite a skill, even if it was exploited. I hope you'll forgive my saying so.**_ _ **"**_ It seemed a compliment but felt like an insult. I did not know which was true, I only knew that I wanted to get away from all of this, to leave as I had left Kyoto, to start over again a second time. _**"One last thing Miss Viola. On the off chance that you're considering a relocation, please understand that Smith Consulting will be obligated to find you. We must insist you remain until the investigation has been concluded. I am certain you can understand our concern."**_

I nodded, the wind feeling as though it had been sucked from my lungs.

 _ **"Well then,**_ ** _it has been a pleasure. Truly._ " **I saw him to the door, stepped back inside my house, and locked the door.

I moved as though I had no choice in the matter. A shower… I needed a shower… a scalding hot shower. As the water ran over me it had the opposite effect I needed it to. It washed away whatever was still holding me together. My fingers traced along the raised marks on my stomach, followed the path of Tomoe-han's nails, a reminder of the unsettling exchange between us. Everything that had happened seemed so hurtful and purposeless. My hands slid to my face, covered my mouth to hold in the noises that had taken residence at the base of my throat waiting to slip through. There were a great many things said to me over the years, but very few of them had ever pierced me the way her words did, the way Smith-han's did. I did not know if it was because of all the other things that had happened, but the reason did not matter. The question remained, was my confrontation with Tomoe-han just shattering the mirror to be rid of the reflection? Full circle… inescapable and unforgivable.

The things I'd been compared to, animals with cunning, Tomoe-han, Smith-han… I could not see the good in any of them. There was no beauty in their darkness or in my own. Was I such a terrible creature that the universe had no mercy in it left for me? Just enough that I could sleep? I realized quite suddenly that what I truly wanted was not to leave this island. All I wanted was a bit of light to pull me from the murkiness, the blanketing depression I felt. Ara, since when had I wanted to be saved? By whom? And from what?

The answers came immediately: since I met her, by Natsuki, and from myself.

It was too much to ask and in this moment I knew...knew with a torturous certainty that it was a false dream. Because it would have to be me who pulled myself from the weight of everything I'd piled inside, me who sorted through and found whatever light there was. I did not know how or where to start or if I had the strength...or if I even wanted to try.

I felt so carved out and emotionally exhausted. It seemed I could not bounce back from anything and that letter. Would it be this all over again? A litany of my wrongs? My failings? Maybe I would just burn it. And what of Natsuki? I could not discern the truth of what existed between us any longer. I lied to her already. I said I would not disappear, but it was all I wanted in the world. To simply disappear for a day, an hour, a minute, to pretend I was not falling apart completely. I would disappear, that much I knew. I would give my up phone, the last string of connection between us, and hide myself from her. Most of my life was in shambles and so much of it was my own fault. I was falling apart and I wanted her to put me back together again. Again that was not something I could ask of anyone but myself and I was so horribly useless right now.

I could not bring myself to dry my hair as I sat on my couch after my shower. It had become unmanageably large as it dried and why was I worried about that? As if in answer my doorbell rang. I felt intense anxiety and I slowly walked over, peering through the peephole to see the person promised to arrive.

I opened the door. "Good evening Haruka."

She had a rather large basket balanced on top of her stomach. "This is from Yumemiya, Wang, and Ho. It's way too big. They heard about what happened. That's the last time I give them a long lunch break."

I took the giant basket, staring at it. There were all sorts of thoughtful items in it, very sweet of them. I wished I felt excited about it. I wished I felt guilty for not feeling excited. I wished I felt anything.

"Fujino." She heaved a sigh and stared at me, more precisely at my hair. I touched it self-consciously, unsurprised to find the loose curls had reached a good four inches from my face. "About your job. This whole thing is stupid. I can't believe that moron Homura took so many people down with him."

"Ookini. Please thank the Residents for me as well. Would you like to have a seat, some tea perhaps?"

"No. I just was stopping by quick."

"That is a shame." She glared at me and my eyes dropped to her stomach. It was getting quite noticeable.

"It's a boy, in case you wanted to know."

I gave a smile. one that felt a little more natural. A boy seemed fitting. "How nice. Congratulations."

"You look terrible."

I blinked at her, sure that I resembled an owl at the moment. "Haruka,"

"Fujino listen, they better lift this ridiculous suspension quick. Those residents are like stupid little lost sheep without you. I can only herd them for so long. You have to come back to keep them in line." She was suddenly and clearly uncomfortable. "There's something else. I cleaned out that girl's locker. I filed a report with the school. I called them, but they're too lazy to staff on the weekends and her parents have them by the scuff anyway. I had to wait until today to talk to someone. She should've been gone after we kicked her out. It's not right." She reached into her pocket, handing me a business card and then pointing at me. "You need to file a retraining order. My cousin works at the police station." I blinked at her again. "I already gave her all the stuff from her locker and the report I filed. I'm taking you there now. She's waiting for us." How could Smith have known all of this? Was I foolish to trust them? My alternatives were no better and whatever else I felt concerning Smith-han, I did believe he had the power to do what he promised.

"At this moment?"

She raised an eyebrow at me, her lip curling a little. "Do something with your hair before we go. Why is it so big?"

A twinge of annoyance broke through my despair. "I,"

She shifted her jaw. "She made a copy of the key to your office Shizuru. She had all these weird little things of yours she took." I felt a bit sick. "We're gonna take care of this."

I looked at the business card in my hand, placed it in my pocket, and pulled my hair up into a bun. I grabbed my keys and coat. It was completely out of place and confusing, but I felt some unexpected comfort in Haruka's presence. Perhaps it was because she moved me forward. Everything else I'd experienced in the past few days held me down, propelled me backward. I reached out and touched her arm and she looked at me in offended alarm. "Ookini," I said quietly, my voice breaking a little and she stared down at my hand. "For your assistance with all of this."

She patted it quickly, uncomfortable while she eyed me as though she thought I had lost my mind. It was not so far from the reality of my situation. "When you get back no tea, bubuzuke. Just sleep."

I gave her a smile and she rolled her eyes with more gentleness than normal, walking out the door as I followed. Haruka… my rather pregnant conscience.

**Digression #22: Minagi Mikoto  
** **Date: March 6** **th** **, 2014… a Thursday**

"Is there nothing I can help you with?" The young girl watched as her brother placed a gentle hand on Mai's waist.

"No. I'm fine." She frowned at the pot.

"It smells delicious, doesn't it Mikoto?" He asked, letting his hand slip away.

"Everything Mai cooks is delicious." She pointed out while smiling.

"This is true." Since they'd started dating, Mikoto had seen even more of the redheaded woman which was fine by her. Better than that, both her brother and Mai seemed happier. Reito had dated a lot of girls before... _a whole lot_... and she liked most of them. None of them treated her as well as Mai did. They were like a little family, the three of them. It was nice. She didn't understand her brother right now though. He wanted to help the woman, but why was he trying to help her by asking to assist with something she so obviously didn't need help with? Mai was a way better cook than he was. He should let her do that and help with something else, set the table or clean up the counter. That would be more useful she thought.

"Are you certain I can't help you?"

"I'm good." She shrugged. Mai was getting irritated, just a little bit. She was stirring a lot and making her shoulders go up toward her ears. The woman did that when the customers were too mean or too pushy.

"I can set the table, Mai." She said.

"That would be great." Mikoto bounded up and her brother took the hint. He moved himself to begin unloading bowls to hand to her. Mai's shoulders went down.

"Reito,"

"Hmm?"

"Is she okay?"

Her brother stopped moving, holding the bowl and she pulled it from his hand. Why people couldn't talk and move at the same time, she never understood. "Shizuru?" He asked, giving Mikoto a bit of a warning look and she took the next dish from him much more gently.

"Yeah," Mai answered him.

"She's been difficult to get in touch with. I plan to stop by on my break tomorrow. I did stop by yesterday. She was unusually quiet, but I think she'll be alright. She just needs time." Mikoto could tell her brother was lying because he adjusted his hair after he spoke. He only did that when he wasn't telling the truth, like that time her cake piece went missing. Reito loved sweet things.

Mai was shaking her head again. "I don't understand her right now."

He leaned on the cabinets near but not too close to Mai. He was in the way of the drawer Mikoto needed to get to. She tried to be patient. Learning to be patient when she was hungry was the hardest thing she'd ever tried to do. Growing up in the country on that tiny farm, food took work, it took time. Back then she'd spent most of the day in the garden. When her grandpa went blind, life got much harder. It was always simple food because she couldn't cook much and was afraid to waste what they had. Meals were often raw and sparse and she learned to live with that, with the perpetual growl in her stomach. Since the day she moved in with Reito, it had been different. There'd been more food than she ever could have imagined, more food than anyone could ever eat. She tried her damnedest though, ate herself sick more than once just in case it all went away again. To be able to be full whenever she wanted was wonderful.

"I admit it was not what I thought would happen." He said.

"I don't get it!" Mai answered him.

"Don't get what?" Mikoto interrupted. She did not have any idea what was going on, but all this talking was making dinner take a really long time. Each squandered moment only made her hungrier. Why were they talking about Shizuru-san? And who was the other person they were talking about?

"She likes her, I can tell."

"Is it possible she's just not interested in other women, Mai? You do know her better than I do. Have you spoken with her again?"

She sighed. "I talked to her on the phone a couple of times. She only told me a little bit more. She doesn't want to talk about it." Another bout of annoyance took over the redhead's face and Mikoto watched in confusion. "But you saw them look at each other on the balcony! That was a look and helping her down like that? She still gives her that look at the shop."

He smiled gently as Mai frowned, tapping her cooking utensil on the edge of the pot she was cooking with. "It was a look, I agree. I _did_ think she was interested as well."

"What are you talking about?" Mikoto interrupted again. She could deal with it if her brother and Mai wanted to talk, but they had to at least tell her what it was about, especially if they couldn't eat until the talking was done. "Who's looking?"

"Nothing Mikoto, sorry. Let me finish this for you." She watched the woman put the finishing touches on her dinner. Mikoto had always liked watching Mai cook even if it was almost like torture when the smells reached her nose. It was nice to see the woman do something she clearly enjoyed.

"Is someone looking at Shizuru-san?" She asked, eyes tracing the movement of hands as they stirred. Her mouth watered in response.

"We thought so," Reito commented and Mai sighed, blowing a bit of hair out of her face. He touched her waist again and this time she relaxed at his touch, which completely halted the cooking. Patience was exhausted.

"Excuse me!" Mikoto said finally and the man moved out of her way. She grabbed three pairs of chopsticks, bounding over to the table.

"If it upsets you this way, why not meet with her in person?" He asked in that gentle voice he used when people were upset. Her brother used it with her when she had bad days, asked her to explain what happened. He was good at soothing. He was a good brother. She wished he was there when she was growing up and not just a story her grandpa had told her. She wished she had someone to talk to besides the stray cats. It would have been nice to grow up with someone else, but it was good to have a brother now, it was good to have Mai now. Better now than never.

"I'm just annoyed, I feel too much like smacking her upside the head. That's not totally fair though."

"Maybe so, but you're compassionate and reasonable. That is exactly the type of person who should be giving advice. Dinner really does smell wonderful. Perhaps we should discuss this later. I'm growing concerned Mikoto might chew off her own arm."

Mai smiled at him, an embarrassed smile while she shook her head. "Probably. I think she'd go after your arm before her own though."

"Why is that?" He peered over at Mikoto skeptically and she eyed his forearm. It did look meatier than the ones attached to her smaller body.

"She needs hers to eat." The redhead commented.

"Yup!" Mikoto laughed as she said it and so did her brother. Her brain kept falling back to what Mai and her brother were talking about before...

"It's Natsuki!" She yelped as she raised her finger, swelling with pride. A moment of inspiration when they thought they could keep things from her, have some secret conversation.

"What?" Mai turned to look at her like people did when she said something she wasn't supposed to. Mikoto shrugged.

Three bowls were filled. Reito carried two and Mai one as they walked over to the table. He set a bowl in front of Mikoto first, placed his own down, and pulled out a chair for the woman next to him.

"It's not Natsuki?" The words were spoken around a mouthful of noodles. Natsuki had to be the 'looker' if they were talking about Shizuru-san. It was the only thing that made sense.

"How did you know?" The woman asked her.

"Natsuki looks at Shizuru-san and Shizuru-san looks at Natsuki. Everyone knows that, so who else would it be?" The smile on her face was incredibly wide because Mai's ramen was amazing. It was heaven in a bowl and she tried to slow herself down, she really did…but it was so hard not to eat fast, especially knowing that finishing her first bowl meant she'd get a second.

Mai looked perplexed. "Wait…everyone?"

"Yup! Alyssa, you, my brother. The cats even know." She pointed out. Cats had a sense for things like that. They'd always watch through the windows when her brother came to the shop before he and Mai were dating. Cats enjoyed dramatic tension. She spent a lot of time with them growing up, climbing trees with them, and saving scraps when she could restrain herself. She paid attention to what they liked, what they watched. Cats made sense to her even if they were moody sometimes.

Mai gave that strange frown she did when something Mikoto said confused her. "The cats know?"

"Mmm-hmm! They watch Shizuru-san and Natsuki through the window of the restaurant. Cats like that kind of stuff." She nodded to herself. The cats were way more interested in it than she was. She liked seeing their yellow eyes glowing in the darkness behind the glass panes, bouncing between the two women as if trying to guess what would happen next.

"Huh." Mai looked puzzled. "You noticed Natsuki looking at Shizuru-san?" Of course, she noticed that.

"Yup! Because Natsuki looks at Shizuru-san just like I look at your ramen." She shrugged. Her brother actually giggled before catching himself in a cough and Mai... she was just staring at her.

"Does she?" He asked.

"Mmm-hmm!" She said. "What's funny?"

"My apologies, Mikoto. Nothing is funny. It is a very astute observation in fact!" Her brother said.

She grinned and Mai turned her head slowly toward her brother, grinning as well. "You just giggled Reito."

He cocked his head, frowning. "Giggled?"

"You did!" Mikoto added because he definitely did.

"Ah, but men do not giggle." He commented, raising his finger.

Mai smirked at him, biting her lip mischievously. "You said it Reito, not me." He straightened like a shocked statue before another little laugh escaped him.

A digital chirp sounded and Mai pulled her phone from her pocket. She was surprised about whatever it said and Mikoto grabbed at a few more noodles.

"What is it?" Her brother asked.

"Nao. She needs me to come over. She never texts me."

"Do you need a ride?" He asked and she watched them watch each other.

Mai looked a little guilty. "No that's okay. I don't know how long I'll be."

"Of course." She leaned down and kissed him. Mikoto always thought kissing was a strange thing. Mouths were for eating, hugs were better, but they liked it.

"I'll see you?" They were so silly about this. Always worried when they shouldn't be.

"You're more than welcome to come back when you're done." He answered.

"I might be late."

"He doesn't care. He wants you to!" Mikoto chimed in, chewing at a vegetable.

"He does, huh?" The redhead asked, smirking at him.

"Mmm-hmm!" She gave Mai the look that the woman called 'puppy dog eyes' and her brother did it too. He was nowhere near as good at it. He could be goofy when he wanted to… a good brother.

She rolled her eyes and gave her a shake of her head. "Geez, you taught him that Mikoto?

"Yup!" She said proudly. "He needs practice."

"No, he doesn't." Mai disagreed, pushing at his shoulder gently and he caught her hand and kissed it, which made her roll her eyes and smile. She did that sometimes when he was trying to be charming.

"Do you think you can finish this for me?" She pushed the bowl toward Mikoto who smiled brightly.

"I'll see you later then." He said, releasing her hand and she nodded.

"Bye!" She yelled.

**Aside #22: Tender Little Pup** _(Conversation)_

"What the hell happened to you?" Nao asked as her friend stepped out onto the balcony.

"Nothing."

"So you walked into someone's fist?"

"Just leave it. You texted me?" The dark-haired woman responded, tossing her helmet onto the chaise.

"Yeah, I did."

"Are you high?"

"As hell." The redhead answered. At least high Nao was better than drunk Nao…that was something to be thankful for. High Nao was brutally, ruthlessly honest but relaxed… she could deal with that. The redhead flicked the lighter, holding it to the packed pipe and taking a slow inhalation, thumb covering the carb and then releasing. She sat motionless for a few moments before she exhaled. Her eyes remained closed as she picked up a set of rosary beads from her lap and passed them through her fingers one by one. "My mom died this morning." She spoke through tendrils of smoke.

Natsuki's eyes widened. "Jesus, I'm sorry."

"I'm not."

"Nao,"

"She's been 'dying' for ten years pup. That's a long time to wait. I was sitting there... reading to her. She just… it was like a gasp." The redhead flicked her hand and seemed unaware of the tears on her cheeks. "…that was it. You missed all the ugly cry." A nonchalant shrug. "I hugged it out with a nun."

Her friend gave her a completely baffled look, which she enjoyed immensely. Nao kept to herself the fact that Takeda had texted her, that they'd been texting all day… that apparently he'd heard. Takeda was an idiot, but he was a caring idiot. She knew a couple of those now. _Maybe she'd blow his mind again for his trouble._

Natsuki began to say something, but the girl lounging in the patio chair stopped her. "Save the awkward Kuga chat, let's do a bit of quiet time." She offered the pipe to her friend who refused with a nervous shake of her head. "There's some beer in the fridge, that's more your speed."

She watched Nao worriedly after she returned, popping open the can. The set of rosary beads were on the table now next to a nearly empty bag of weed and a bible with what looked to be a trashy romance novel on top. Beside it was a sweating glass of water, a bag of snack food, and cigarettes. It was a strange tablescape.

"I don't wanna talk about my mom pup. Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna talk like the first part of this conversation never happened, and you're gonna start by telling me what the hell is up with your eye."

A deep sigh. "A girl punched me."

Irritated eyes narrowed. "Why?"

"She thought that I was sleeping with someone she's into."

"That's annoyingly vague and so fucking high school. Why the hell is that kinda shit happening at your age?"

She rolled her eyes. "Idiot. We're almost the same age."

"I'll always be younger. Besides I'm too old for that shit too. Is this about that dyke doctor you've been hanging out 'til way too late?"

"Don't call her that!"

An eyebrow rose, voice dripping with sarcasm. "That charming lesbian Anesthesiologist you're fucking. Better?" A strange frown set on Natsuki's face. "So what, you're doing girls now?"

"No!"

"Then you aren't fucking her?"

Natsuki ran an agitated hand through her hair. "Goddamn it."

"Avoiding the question, eh Kuga?"

"No, I'm not _fucking_ anyone." The dark-haired woman responded, irritated.

Nao breathed in deeply, crossing her legs and leaning back one hand. She exhaled a bit of smoke again before placing the spoon pipe on the table beside the bible. Her voice was even and dry when she asked a question. "You don't fuck anyway, do you?"

"Huh?"

"That's why we would never work. I'd only wanna fuck you… break you down, rough you up a little. You're too gentle a soul for me. Always have been." She stared into the night while Natsuki attempted to make her brain work again. Maybe the weed made her friend too honest.

"Jesus, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Such a tender little pup. Bet you need a bit of romance, a bit of softness. You might be kind of a masochist though. That works for me."

Her face was flaming as she gripped the can in her hands, taking a large sip. "Screw you."

Light green eyes narrowed. "What do you get out of this whole thing anyway? I treat you like shit and you're always goddamn there. So why?"

Despite her annoyance at the phrasing, the dark-haired woman answered the question. "We're more alike than different."

Where she expected a scoff or a dig, there was only neutrality. "Like two fucking corn kernels jammed in a peapod."

An arched brow. "Yeah, sure."

"I say such abusive shit to you Kuga."

A bit of a grin formed before another sip of beer was taken. "Then stop."

The scoff came. "You know that's not gonna happen. Too fun."

She frowned. "Fine, but don't talk about fucking me."

"That get you all hot and bothered now that you've switched sides?" Scowling, Natsuki stood up. "Don't be so damn sensitive, fuck." She grabbed a cigarette from the table this time, lighting it. "That doctor's into you, isn't she? Alyssa tells me shit, you know. She's a good kid, Kuga."

"She is a good kid."

"We need to find a way to get her to stay. She can't go back to England."

Natsuki sighed. "I know."

"That's for another time, was I right about the Doc?"

She nodded. "I don't know what to do."

"Shit happens Kuga. You're not really asking me for advice are you?"

"No. I just don't know what to do."

"Listen, I think love is total bullshit, but you don't owe it to anyone to give them a chance. Either you want to or you don't and that's what matters. So if you wanna try being a raging dyke, go for it. You aren't that good at being straight anyway. Fuck anyone who cares, it's none of their damn business and if you don't, she has to deal with it, but don't do anything 'cause you feel sorry for her. It's your damn choice and you shouldn't feel guilty. It's not your fault she likes you. We both know you couldn't pull something like that off on purpose." A glare.

"I already told her I couldn't."

"Decision made, then. Did I miss something?" Another glare and Nao studied her friend, a bit of annoyance breaking through. "You lied to her 'cause you're chickenshit."

"No!"

"That's sure as hell what it sounds like." Nao sighed, taking a long drag. "Maybe you have some sort of abandonment thing pup. Maybe breasts terrify you, who the hell knows. Everyone's got baggage, but make up your damn mind."

"Hiya!" Mai stepped out onto the balcony.

"Mai?" The newcomer smiled at them both, but it fell immediately upon seeing that dark-haired woman's face.

"Let me catch you up Tokiha. My mom died, don't wanna talk about it and Kuga's a flaming homo, do wanna talk about it. Welcome to the party."

"Nao, I'm so sorry, that's awful. When did…wait... you're gay Natsuki?" Mai set her purse down, placing a hand on her friend's shoulder. "Why do I feel like I keep having this conversation?" She murmured to herself.

"Damn it Nao! I didn't say that."

A reddish eyebrow arched. "Your boots were giving you away anyway pup."

"They're for my bike!" Natsuki said, exasperated.

"Sorry. Did you say bike or…"

"Woah! Okay you two, stop." Mai pushed her hands out at both of them, giving her serious face. As the hands lowered, she glanced toward Nao first. "I'm really sorry about your mom. I'm gonna hug you and it's gonna be before I leave, so start dealing with that now, ne? Natsuki… what's going on? Your face…"

The dark-haired woman stared at her friend, oscillating between anger and upset. "Shizuru likes me."

"You told me that on the phone, but your eye..."

"Another girl punched me." She mumbled.

Mai frowned, angry and confused. "WHAT? When?"

"Thursday and she's crazy, don't worry about it."

"No, I'm kinda worried about it. God, it looks terrible. Why did she punch you?"

"Nevermind about my eye."

The woman released a frustrated sigh. "Fine, be difficult. So, what happened with Shizuru-san?"

A deep set frown. "I got her suspended from her job."

Nao scoffed in disbelief. "How the hell did you manage that?"

"The story Takumi wrote, the one I gave him." Mai's face fell as well.

"That's what got Shizuru-san suspended?" She asked quietly.

"Shizuru was a part of the team doing the project."

"Is she pissed at you?" Nao asked.

"I don't know." The dark-haired woman wrapped her arms around her torso. "She won't even answer her phone. I haven't heard from her since Monday. She texted me once and then nothing, she's just… gone."

"She should know that you didn't mean for that to happen, Natsuki. She'll come around."

Shifting her weight, the young surgeon shook her head. "It's not just that."

"The lesbian doctor is apparently smitten with the pup." Nao chimed in around her cigarette.

The shop keeper's eyes widened a bit, but the surprise was due more to the fact that this conversation was being had. "What happened?"

"I can't be with her like that."

"Because she's a girl?" Mai asked gently.

Green eyes flashed a bit. "No."

The redhead smirked. "Told you she was, Tokiha."

"Don't be such an ass." Natsuki spat.

"Nao," Mai sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Do you… just not have those kinds of feelings for her?" She tried again.

"That's not what I'm saying." Her head turned to gaze out into the city.

Confusion and annoyance as the other redhead chimed in. "What _are_ you saying pup?"

"I didn't mean for this to happen!"

Nao rolled her eyes almost violently. "She's a damn lesbian! Whether or not you meant to, what the hell is she gonna think if you stay out with her until the fucking break of dawn? Is that normal to you? What would a guy think?" The woman waited for a moment, watching, sighing, face still neutral. "Damn it Kuga, stop being such an idiot. You're too smart for this." She flicked away her ashes.

"That's not what I was trying to do, I didn't want things to change!" Natsuki defended.

The redhead shook her head, shifting her thighs where they crossed. "So you rejected her? What the hell sense does that make?"

"Stop! Please." Mai took in a deep breath, taking her friend's hand. "Why don't you want things to change?"

"Because it was working, Mai. I let it change with Tate and it blew up in my goddamn face. In all our faces."

"Yeah, really seems like it was working from here." Nao quipped only to receive Mai's most serious 'mom' face.

"Natsuki, the two of you together... I've never seen you like that with another person, not even Tate. Does it feel different to you? Because it looks different."

"I never said it wasn't different! I wanted that to not make a difference."

Nao scoffed. "Cause again, that makes any sense."

"It doesn't matter now. She doesn't wanna talk to me." Natsuki commented, shifting her jaw and looking out over the balcony.

"You shouldn't just let her go, not if you want this. You do, right?"

Eyes closed across the way. "I don't know what I want, okay?"

For the first time in the conversation, there was a touch of anger. "Yes, you do."

"It's not that easy!"

"Natsuki,"

Green eyes lifted. "What?"

Her friend sighed. "How is what you're doing fair to either one of you? Why can't you have something you both want?"

"What I _wanted_ was to be friends." She argued, her own voice rising. Nao watched the two of them with interest.

"Do you ever think about kissing her Natsuki? That's not friends. Tell me you don't think about that with her because if that's friends, you must think about that stuff with me and Nao too."

"Jesus, Mai!" The woman was bright pink.

"All I'm saying is what you want and what you think you should do are two different things."

Those words rang in Natsuki's head and she flopped back dejectedly, her hand flicking at the air. "I don't know. It's all fucked up now anyway."

"But doesn't that mean you have nothing to lose anymore by trying?" Mai offered softly.

"You said yourself she's not even talking to you right now you idiot!" A pack of cigarettes hit Natsuki upside the head and she shot Nao a murderous glare. The dark-haired woman grabbed the pack and threw it off the balcony. "My cigarettes! What the hell!? Goddamn pup! People die, people leave… it sucks, it hurts like hell, but you can't stop it. You're the only person I know who can fucking run away by standing still. Take care of this and stop moping, Jesus."

Natsuki found herself both shocked and deeply annoyed by the pointed criticism. "She's avoiding me. How the hell do I take care of it?"

"You fix shit Kuga, it's your thing. Figure it out...go kiss the fuck out of her! I don't give a shit, but fix it."

Mai was frowning in distaste and speaking to herself. "Kiss the fuck out of her? What does that even mean Nao?"

"I told you, she doesn't wanna see me!"

"When has that ever stopped you? You've hauled my ass out of my apartment before. Do you know where she lives?" Another hesitant nod.

"Natsuki, you asked me once if I thought you should date Tate. Do you remember that?" Mai asked.

"Yeah."

"If you had ever looked at him the way you do Shizuru-san, I would have thought you were crazy for even asking."

Natsuki's brow crinkled as she stood, gripped her jeans, and then the railing of the balcony. "Damn it."

"Just go talk to her, okay?" Mai hugged her friend close, felt a nod against her shoulder before she released her.

"And do it now 'cause I can't listen to any more of this sappy crap!" Nao commented, flicking her hand dismissively at the both of them. "Why the hell are you still here Kuga? I thought we told you to fetch?"

Natsuki flipped her friend off as she moved toward the balcony door, every inch of her tight. Mai shot the woman a glare, slapping her knee lightly. "Be nice."

The dark-haired woman paused against the frame, shooting a look toward her friend. "Are you gonna be ok alone?"

"We always land on our feet, the three of us." A tired smirk came to the redhead's face. "And fuck you for making me be the voice of reason. You know I hate that." Even though her face was etched with strain Natsuki grinned, small and resigned.

"I'll stay with her, ne?"

"Like hell, you will!"

"See? She's excited already!" Mai gave a small, sad grin as she texted someone.

The dark-haired woman grabbed her helmet looking intensely anxious.

"Before you go..." Nao said. "Tate's messed up by the way. Forgot to tell you that."

Both their faces fell. "What?"

"I don't care about any of this, but just so you know him and Shiho broke up. Sounded like it went pretty bad. That crazy idiot stuffed all his shit in his car, set it on fire. Guess everyone's life is falling to shit."

"When? Is he okay?" Natsuki was noticeably upset.

"Right before the new year. He broke his hand too, punched a wall or something. He's been popping Percosets, drinking himself to death, and laying on my damn couch like a fat housecat for weeks. I yelled at him yesterday. I had a lot going on … but when I came home he kept mumbling some crap about his dad, asked me to take him to some rehab place. I dropped him off last night."

"Does anyone know he's there?" Mai asked.

Nao shrugged. "No idea. I'm not his damn mother. That's your thing." She reached into her pocket. "That's the name of it." Natsuki took the small piece of paper. "Lesbian first, Tate second. And you owe me a fucking pack of cigarettes."

Mai shook her head at the other woman as she stood, hugging her friend one more time. "Good luck Natsuki."


	23. An Ending Rewritten, Nagi, and the Home

**Narrative #23: An Ending Rewritten  
** **Date: March 6** **th** **, 2014 … a Thursday**

I sat in the nook offset from my living room staring at the envelope lying beside me. It contained a letter that I'd read just moments ago. Not read truly, because read implied a past tense, an end. I had read part of it; only the first two paragraphs before the sensation of having my insides wrung out like a dishtowel became too much. The memories it evoked took that sensation and stretched it until it touched the backs of my eyes. I had attempted four times already to get through it, but the handwriting itself made me miss the hands that wrote it, recalled the feel of them lifting me in the air to grab the branch of a tree.

There was another mess of words that I had yet to fully unpack; the article given to me by Smith-han. The interviews I'd been required to attend regarding the project, more interrogations really, they necessitated my reading it. It exposed the crookedness of Homura-han's research studies, studies that I'd spent the last few months of my life recruiting patients for. Given this information, it was no surprise to me the team had been dissolved as I'd been apparently leading patients like lambs to slaughter for the past few months. Upon finishing it some hours before this, I found myself merely staring at the shining pages trying to pull from my mind why it was I'd thought it acceptable to ignore the multitude of flares my instincts had set off. It was typical of me, to do without considering... to ignore what signs would indicate I was wrong, and I had been so wrong about so many things. Was it really only my misplaced affection for Natsuki that drove me to such heights of irresponsibility? Was it the emotion that she dragged from me, something that felt so wonderfully intense? So normal? So human, despite its moral questionability that made her presence addictive? I had not truly known what was occurring, but I had known it seemed off. Should that not have been enough? It would have been enough for many others in my place. Why was it not for me? I felt my participation had detached me from my own humanity in some way; I was realizing that I'd felt detached from it for some time. I was not sure that answers to such questions existed within me.

Leaning against a pillow in this space I loved so much, the weight of all of this made the seat hard beneath me and the air stale. The space was inset from the wall, a wide bench caught inside. I'd puzzled before over how it was fit through the entryway in the first place, but I did not think of that now. I was only thankful that it could close me off from the rest of the house, from everything. I'd not let Reito see me inside the nook when he stopped by the other day. It would've been far too telling. We'd spoken sparsely and shallowly in my living room. I had wanted to ask him not to speak, to just sit with me while we sipped our tea but I could not say something so painfully awkward. It was what ended up happening nonetheless because he somehow understood.

I looked at the open envelope beside me again as I tried not to hear what was going on beyond my nook. Instead, I thought of the words, my father's words, the few that I'd seen, and they were teeth sinking into skin. I did not know that I could read the rest, especially if it was about the person he thought I was now...another reminder of how far apart we'd drifted before we lost one another. My father's letter, Tomoe-han, the upheavals that kept appearing were one too many stressors when I was already broken by what had occurred between Natsuki and me.

 _Natsuki,_ who was always stealing my thoughts… who was now interrupting my slow surrender to this blanketing upset with her incessant torturously beautiful voice behind my front door. She was speaking to me as though I was answering her, as though we were having some strained conversation, and told me she would 'wait outside'.

I could picture her posture, her face exactly, her mouth forming each muffled word that drifted into my hiding place, but I did not want to see her…more accurately I did not want her to see me like this. My state would only worsen in her presence. Reito was one thing, but Natsuki was another thing entirely. It would not be right of me to allow her in right now, not with me the way that I was and besides which I had not spoken to her since our time behind the hospital. I'd only sent a text right before I had surrendered my phone to Haruka's cousin. The woman looked so much like her, talked so much like her, thought so much like her. To sit between the two of them while I filed that restraining order. To listen to them rail against Tomoe-han replete with ceaseless prejudicial undertones was a delight. It burst the bubble of gratitude I felt for Haruka's presence rather quickly and sunk me further into whatever implosion had begun inside me.

 _Natsuki,_ another situation where I had been wrong… wrong that we could be friends, wrong that there was shared feeling between us, wrong that I could handle my own feelings. I wondered how many minutes would pass before she gave up. It had been twenty already and suddenly there was some commotion outside. It nearly stopped my heart and all my thoughts ran to Tomoe-han.

The prospect of allowing any further harm to Natsuki was perhaps the only thing capable of breaking me out of the hole I had dug for myself, and I was at the door in an instant. To see her being handcuffed and strong-armed by a uniformed blonde, was quite unexpected but better than what I'd imagined.

"I know her, damn it!" She yelled as she struggled.

"Hey, watch your mouth!"

"Officer," I spoke, my voice strange and I fought for control of it, fought meeting the eyes of the woman I could never successfully banish from my mind.

"I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd do a checkup. I caught this delinquent creeping around your yard like a perving tom, Fujino-san. You really attract the weirdos." Haruka must've asked her to keep an eye on my home. The level of exhaustion I felt was indescribable.

"I was just trying to see if she was here." The dark-haired woman defended, her face nearly a snarl.

"Quiet you!" The policewoman shook her arms and this was pure absurdity.

"Kanin-na, but I was in the shower. I did not hear her knocking." She peered suspiciously at my hair. It was not wet and I was sure it looked a lie.

"Well, she was trying to sneak a peek through the window!" The officer accused and I knew that could not be true. This all was so unwelcome.

"No!" There was a blush the depths of which were only rivaled by the one her face held in the car that night and I closed my eyes. "I just was trying to see if she was home!" It was murmured with an obvious edge.

"That's what they all say."

I sighed as I placed a hand on the policewoman's arm attempting to calm her. "It's alright. I know this person."

A disbelieving eyebrow rose. "She's a friend of yours?"

I suppose that was truer than anything else that could be said. "Yes." Hopeful green eyes bounced to me and I looked away because I could not be sure what my own would show. "I do appreciate your concern Officer, but I assure you she is no criminal. Please, release her."

The blonde woman paused as if considering it and then undid the handcuffs. "If you say so. And you!" Her finger was inches from an extremely displeased Natsuki's face. "Next time use the doorbell, huh? It's less suspicious."

The dark-haired woman was rubbing at her wrists and glaring daggers at the other woman. "Yeah sure." Such naked sarcasm.

She moved closer to me eyeing Natsuki's sweatshirt, nose piercing, and tight jeans with distaste. I stared at the motorcycle in my driveway beside a police cruiser with lights blazing.

"Maybe you should consider making some less sifty friends." The blonde woman said to me. Apparently, malapropisms invented words, and finger-pointing was a family affair.

"Ookini for your assistance and have a good evening, Officer." I almost allowed some of the harshness I felt to infect my words, but caught myself... threadbare control. The universe would absolutely not allow me any peace. The policewoman nodded and turned sharply on a heel, stomping back down the walkway toward her squad car, sending a warning look over her shoulder.

As the vehicle retreated neither of us moved. Natsuki and I, our eyes finally met in a prolonged stretch of awkward quiet.

"Hey." The reservations I could hear in her voice when she finally spoke, were not surprising given our current situation. Even with my foolish dreams of finding salvation in her arms, I could not say that I wanted her here right now. However, it did not seem that I would be given any choice in the matter. _We find each other._

"Good evening Natsuki." I broke our gaze as I turned away, walking back beyond the threshold of my home.

She followed me and I shut the door. Without thought or sound, seeking and needing protection, I then made my way back to the place I had been sitting before. Also in silence, she took off her shoes and coat. She walked toward me, carefully wading through the tension between us like water. Carried back to me, high atop her shoulders was the weight of my feelings for her. A dark head rolled as she glanced around the room curiously before she halted at the entrance of the inset nook. Her hand reached out in a fist and I was struck by the strange thought that when it hit the wall it would collapse, shatter the arched entryway. In my mind I saw the structure fall in on itself, me fall in on myself…crushed… but when her hand made contact it was not the loud rap I expected. Her fingers spread and smoothed over the wall, curling around the edge of the archway as my small snake had around that dollhouse chimney all those years ago. I watched them curiously, time slowing to a crawl.

After another moment of indecision, and then she parted the curtain and stepped into my refuge as though it were no barrier at all. It was not how the story went, for her to climb inside this place with me as if she were not already rewriting our ending. Her eyes dropped to the fabric of a pillow that lay between us as she adjusted her position such that she was half facing me, one thigh drawn up onto the upholstery. She pulled the pillow toward her. That emerald gaze slowly crept up to find mine.

"Shizuru…" As she spoke, she kneaded the soft surface of her stolen item with the base of her hands in a way that reminded me of a housecat. So anxious, just like the last time we'd seen one another. Perhaps our comfort with each other had always been a lie, something I wanted to see and not something that was there.

I looked at her as I tried not to react to her presence. "Hmm?" My voice sounded so tired, I was so tired.

Her throat convulsed as she swallowed forcefully. She was staring at me with this expression of devouring guilt. "Your job. Shizuru... damn it, I'm sorry."

I shook my head. Of course, it was about the suspension. What else had I expected would drive her here? "There is no reason to be."

She stared at me, face dripping with culpability. "This is my fault."

"How could that be so?" There was precious little emotion left in me and I could see my coolness upset her. That only served to pull at the bits I had left.

"I gave Mai's brother the information on Homura. For the article." For some reason, it quite suddenly struck me as funny, all of this... funny in the way things that overwhelmed your capacity for thought and feeling could be. I studied the look of remorse on her face. There were so few things I trusted in, least of all myself, _but this woman._ "This is such bullshit, we can figure out a way to…"

I could not deal with any level of heightened emotion at the moment. "Natsuki please, stop."

My request worsened the frantic energy in her. "I didn't mean for…"

"I know you did not." I interrupted, praying it would calm her. Painfully beautiful agitated eyes glanced up at me. I closed mine for a moment, a slow blink. "I know you did not mean for this, you could not. The look on your face just now would have told me as much, if I required further reassurance." It was impossible to speak with any real volume. Perhaps my vocal cords had reached the point of exhaustion as well.

Her hands were shaking slightly. "I didn't think."

I gazed at her. Lifting my head felt like such a tremendous effort. I thought of the time I'd spent answering the same questions from so many people in those investigative interviews, all of the circular talk, I did not usually find it so taxing. The subject of those questions was what made them so abrasive, each detail they harped on, was one that stood out to me as well, yet I had chosen to disregard it. "I told you I did not trust Homura-han or this project, did I not? It seems I had a reason."

She frowned. "None of that was your fault."

"I should have followed my intuition, but I did not. And you did."

"I never should've talked to..."

I stopped her. "To understand something like that was happening and not do anything, you would have been remiss and it is not in you. Perhaps I would have seen it if I looked." Her frown melted to obvious worry as she waited. With her head dipped, she turned her gaze up toward me. "Honestly, it does not matter." It was too much to be in her presence, the warmth was burning now. "I am not angry with you, but you should go."

Her hands drew back from the pillow as though I'd slapped them. "We can't talk."

I shook my head. "It would be best if we did not."

She was peering up at me, head still tilted down. "We can just sit here."

"Natsuki is so desperate for my company?" I joked without mirth, surprised when I felt her fingers pull at the sleeve of my shirt.

She touched my upper arm, the heat of her hand flowing straight through the thin material. It made me close my eyes against the longing that coursed through me. "I haven't seen you in a week."

When I opened them, I forced myself to look into hers… to give the smallest of smiles. "Did you not come to apologize? It is accepted even though it is not necessary. There is nothing further we need to say to one another."

She was quite obviously stung, but I had nothing left to shield me. I was rubbed raw and exposed. It was not a suitable way to be in the presence of another. My words were my last bastion, the only covering I had left now that she'd followed me this far. "Shizuru."

"Natsuki, there really is no reason for you to be here."

"Yes, there is." She answered without hesitation, clenched her jaw, hand pushing hard into the pillow. It rolled helplessly against the plush bench. "You're here."

I covered my mouth with my hand loosely, a deep breath. "It is more than just Homura-han and my position. I know what I said to you last week, but I was not being honest with myself. It was unrealistic. I cannot sit with you like this and not think of more." This was it then. I simply was not strong enough.

There was a softness in her eyes as she looked at me. "I'm okay with it."

"And I am not, Natsuki." I interrupted her, unable to censor myself and she made a face as though I'd dumped the heft of the world onto her lap. It reinforced everything I believed, that I'd been told, that people did not want to know how you truly felt, that it burdened them, but I had revealed myself already. There was no use in hiding it now. "I am not okay with anything that has happened." The admission felt so foreign to me. It pulled forth an echoing discomfort that filled the empty room even though I'd spoken quietly. "And I will need some time." I tried to be harsh, but the remorse wound its way into my words. I might as well have begged her to stay. I could not have her around me when I was so taken apart.

She gazed at me, very serious. "I need to help you."

"It is a compulsion, then?" I attempted again to make light of the situation, my voice falling flat. I was such a disappointing thing right now.

"Don't joke." I could tell she was becoming frustrated and it was likely with me. I was torn by having told her something was okay with me when it was so obviously not. I did not want to be there with her, not with my father's letter so close, not while I was feeling so vulnerable, and certainly not when she still possessed the ability to turn me inside out at will. "You're making this so damn hard."

What was I making difficult? What did she hope to accomplish with this? "Am I? Kanin-na."

She was hurt by the cold response and crossed her arms. "Shizuru,"

Why did she care so much about all this, if she couldn't even conceive of touching me? Why did it matter if she ever truly saw me? That divide between us, between the things we wanted from each other, between the realities of what we felt; it necessitated me burying my feelings in the first place even if I weren't naturally inclined to do so. This was too different, different than the girls I'd been with before, different than the nights I'd spent with Yohko. It left me open in a way I was not at all comfortable with, in a way that made me want to run from her before she looked too closely. It was not something I was supposed to even be considering. This was _supposed_ to be a friendship, a test and I was failing… again. I had told her of my feelings already and she did not want them, all else aside. My lack of response seemed to only drag her further into upset.

"You cannot be the one to help me, Natsuki. Not with what happened and not with this." She pursed her lips and I closed my eyes. Seeing her pained expression pierced my heart. My chest felt so tight that I wasn't sure whether I'd lost the ability to breathe. I heard the soft drag of fabric as she stood up and turned away. I forced my lips into a small smile, in case she looked, to reassure her that I was not angry with her. "I care for you, it is not that I don't, but you should go."

"You can call someone else to come here if you can't be around me, or I will." I watched her fail miserably at controlling her own upset. "But I'm not leaving you alone like this."

Her low voice laced with conviction defeated me, evaporated what little purpose there would have been in challenging her. My head lolled forward of its accord as if the bones in my neck suddenly dissolved. And suddenly she was hugging me to her, perhaps because I looked like I was visibly falling apart. My body seemed to have lost the ability to refuse comfort, maybe because I had denied it this for so long and it rebelliously melted. It remembered the feelings that had emerged when Yohko held me and being given that unquestioning comfort a second time, amplified by the fact that it was Natsuki, it all too readily succumbed. The beat of her heart was strong enough that I felt it pounding against my shoulder.

Her forehead was resting on the side of my face as she spoke so quietly that I only caught the tail end of it, distracted by her breath on my cheek. "...I'm sorry." The same words were spoken in this same position on that slab and it was the same feeling a second time.

I turned my head away for her, annoyed that her distress touched me so very much. Perhaps it affected me because I deserved mine and she did not.

"Natsuki," My voice quivered only slightly. I could not stand the feeling of our bodies so close, most especially when she leaned in and tightened her hold as though unwilling to let go. "You are being cruel." The words were difficult to say, but all of this was overwhelming to me. She backed away immediately.

Her jaw shifted suddenly, hands unsteady as she drew away, sitting back across from me. There was a determination on her face and I closed my eyes, not wanting this, the argument, whatever she had to say, the reasons behind her trembling fingers.

I should be alone with this. I should've kept it inside where it could not be seen. All that I did want surged within me. I wanted my father, standing in front of me, speaking in his rich baritone not some phantom in a letter…to hear him say he loved me even if I brought him shame. I wanted to feel that I deserved anything… that I deserved her. I wanted her to feel differently. I wanted to love and not feel as though I were doing love itself wrong. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to not disappoint myself. I wanted to be half as happy as I pretended to be…but more than any of that I wanted to be able to say these things out loud. I still wanted so many impossible things.

Reason and emotion wrestled one another and knocked inside my chest. My eyelids slid down, blocking out the impossible green of her eyes. "I recognize that what has happened with the two of us is to a large extent my own misunderstanding,"

Her voice broke into the darkness I'd made. "It isn't."

"Please, there is no reason for us to pre… " I started but tripped when I felt her touch me. "..tend."

Her hand was on my cheek, and then my eyes snapped open and widened because her lips were impossibly pressing against mine. A kiss.. from her... one that was somehow shy and certain at once, I could not even process it. I could only stare because she had actually kissed me and it was most certainly on purpose. Her mouth was still only a breath away and it broke my control in two. I should have stopped it immediately, this amazing, heartache of a thing that effortlessly robbed me of my reason. Instead, my hands cupped her cheeks in turn, bringing her closer. I needed a moment, to let something I wanted happen, for just a single heartbeat, something beautiful and she was so achingly beautiful. My hand tangled in her hair and my mind emptied as I kissed her in return. The soft brush of her lips… the taste of her… the warmth of her stoked feelings I could not describe, feelings that were a fleeting balm on my fractured self. The tiny noise she made when I did respond, was momentary relief from a hollowness that was suffocating in its intensity.

She ran her nose across mine quick as we parted and I opened my eyes to find her unseeing gaze fixed on my mouth. "You didn't misunderstand." She said lowly.

"Natsuki," I whispered her name and dropped my hands, glancing at the bench on which we sat, the foot or so of space between us, and reality came charging back with wrenching ferocity. This was not real. It was her upset creating this redemptive illusion. I should not be responding, it was not right and I was not right. Not for her. "We cannot."

I could hear her pull air in through her nostrils, see her fingers as they gripped her pant leg. "What?"

"We cannot do this." My arms wrapped around my chest, holding elbows and protecting me as best they could.

The need I felt inside me, I tamped down hard on it while I lifted my gaze to hers. She craned her neck forward, registering what I'd said. Her face was all nerves again. It had always been mixed messages between us, body language against words, smiles against eyes, teases that were truths, everything held tight yet squeezing through. She had, not a few days ago, told me that what just happened would not. It was not something I should allow besides that.

"Why?"

"Natsuki," She leaned back…away… pressure radiating from her as she rolled her shoulders forward. It was an unconscious defensive measure. I felt myself retreating, my face becoming emotionless and it occurred to me suddenly that we were posturing at each other. "You're angry."

"It doesn't make any sense, Shizuru. I don't get it." She pulled her lips tight as she reached out to touch me, then dropped her arm as though the strength had left it.

I frowned at how difficult it was to push back the urge to show her that I _had_ enjoyed it, wanted it to continue with nearly every fiber of my being. "It has been a week and you've changed your mind entirely?"

"No."

I looked away, unsure of what she wanted from me. Why had I let myself think for even a moment something in her had been altered? I'd let myself do something so reckless as to return her kiss. My thoughts lept from here to there, unchecked and seemingly without direction. It was important to me she understood what she was suggesting, understood that my own undeserved hopes should give her no obligations in this, that it was not something to be taken lightly. So many contradictions turned inside me, resentment toward the idea of being an experiment to anyone else, the knowledge that my prior experiences had nothing to do with her, guilt at my feelings, and lack of control. Beneath all that… humming… buzzing… was a want so strong it curled my fingers.

I stared at her, puzzled by the bit of undue anger stirring in me from long ago, from allowing myself to be something that was so easy to dismiss as meaningless. I was always meaningless, an ideal, or what they wanted to believe I was. What actually existed of me beneath that, it was never important. Visions of that look, that flash of regret in the eyes of so many I'd allowed to touch me, they filled my head. I did not know what I felt… what I'd ever felt…only that it all was so raw at the moment. I could not allow myself to be dismissible again, not with her, not when she held my heart the way that she did.

My voice carried unusual emotion. "A kiss changes nothing if you cannot think of anything more. Kissing a woman is not so different… but my body… your hands on it? And mine on yours? I cannot stop myself from wanting those things with you, wrong as they may be, I want them." Her face flushed and she turned her face away. "The reality is that you do not think of me that way."

"You're trying to upset me." She said, what calm she had, dying quickly.

"Natsuki is already upset." I countered because I could not soothe anyone right now. I could not even soothe myself.

She glared at me, but then glanced away. When she turned back those eyes were the same as they had been one week prior.

"I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with any of this. I'm no good at saying things, Shizuru. I'm not like you. I'm not charming. I won't say it to you right." A hand gripped her ear, and she shook her head before continuing. "But what I feel when I'm around you, I don't feel that way about other people… and you, _this_ I mean, it caught me off guard. I didn't mean to hurt you. I never wanted that." She looked over at me. "There's this _thing_ …" Pausing, her eyes intensified and seemed to almost push into my own. "...in my head and my chest when I'm around you. It makes me want to stay out all night with you. It makes me wanna talk to you. It makes me _need_ to find you. I didn't want to lose that just 'cause I wanna kiss you." A blush colored her cheeks. _And she had considered kissing me before tonight?_ "It wasn't worth you disappearing. I don't want you to be gone." She took an exaggerated breath while trying to collect herself, while my disbelief continued to compound. "But then you _were_ gone and not seeing you, not talking to you, that was the thing I was trying to stop from happening. It's the reason why I said I couldn't." Her eyes clenched shut and I was too flabbergasted to say anything. When they opened, her eyes locked onto mine as if forcibly drawn there. "You didn't imagine anything." Her fingers were turning an earring and all I could do was stare at her, taken completely aback.

This should not be working out. It didn't make sense, it was too much of what I wanted; it was everything I wanted. I felt myself rebel against it. "You're saying and doing these things because my disappearing frightened you, Natsuki." I was finding all of this incredibly difficult with everything else that was happening at the same time, I could not let myself believe her even though I knew she was being honest. "I am not abandoning you, but..."

"That's not it at all." She ground out.

The drive to push her away was still so strong. It steered me to the edge of panic, though my voice registered little of it, my tone was relatively calm. "The things that I want with you, they are inappropriate." I could not determine how to get her to leave me in peace without hurting her terribly, which would quite possibly destroy me in the state I was in.

"They're not." I stared at her, somehow more guilt-ridden than before because she could say such things when I could not even believe them. "I think about it, Shizuru." It was clearly not an easy thing for her to say and I wanted to touch her, to apologize, to run away, but I could do none of those things. I could not even find my words, not when she had said such a thing. When she spoke again, it was quiet and almost painfully uneasy. "Your lips on that stupid plum and your goddamn voice that does _this_ to me." _My lips on that stupid plum and my goddamn voice?_ How she could make such phrases sound so endearing. And what was the _'this'_ that I was doing to her? My only guesses seemed too absurd to be true.

Hands dragged across her face as she watched me for any reaction. My arms crossed over my chest as if to hide my heart. More of Tomoe-han's words echoed in my mind… bouncing off the sides of my skull as they had since she left. "I will hurt you, Natsuki."

Narrowed eyes met mine and my attention was drawn to the bruising. It was still easily visible against her light skin. "Because you hurt someone before? So did I."

There was no comparison. "It is not the same. I cannot be trusted that way."

"What about my trustworthiness? I'm just as likely to ruin everything if we're going by history."

"What I did was unforgivable. I was so self-indulgent, so reckless. I hurt someone...irreparably."

Her face twisted with confusion and emotion, making me ache. "What does that mean?"

"Natsuki…she…" And I could not say it. There was a sting in my eyes and I realized I was nearly crying.

Her eyes, always so honest, were able to see into me in a way that felt frighteningly genuine. She flexed her arm, hand resting on her shoulder, the other very tentatively falling onto my shoulder, my neck, thumb resting on my jaw. "You don't have to tell me." She was serious, no request buried in the statement. I looked down because I wished I could force those words out, but I was not ready. "But I don't care about any of those things. You being a girl…" Her blush at the pronouncement was intense and I could not help the warmth that came to my neck either. "Or what happened before we met. If you wanna talk about it, fine, but you don't owe me an explanation." She looked my way, swallowing.

I stared at her and when my whispered words escaped I was saturated with shame. "Natsuki, please. I do not know how to properly love another person. This is what I am telling you."

Her head tilted and she smiled at me sadly. "It's not like I do either, Shizuru."

What did that mean for this though? What did anything she was saying mean?

"Why are you fighting me so hard?" Her face was so close to mine.

I felt intensely vulnerable again, bared. "I am not fighting you."

"Yes, you are." She argued gently and it was too much. The things that she was saying to me, such heart-grasping things and her fingers touching my face, pushed me over the edge.

I was falling and I made my face still as quickly as I could manage. It was what I had learned to do when I was a child. The difference was that now I was not a child and the tear that escaped hurt as it burned its path down my cheeks, dripping over her thumb where it still rested and then down from the point of my chin onto my folded hands. The seams that held me slipped away. Each thing I'd pushed down or tucked away was seeping from the frays in my self-control. Visions of my father, of every shameful thing I'd ever done, came rushing in and I wanted to unzip my life and crawl inside the emptiness behind it, to steal myself away. I wanted to hide from her beautiful face and that captivating voice laced with the hurt I'd caused, offering me the impossible as if it could be taken so simply. We were sitting inside my hiding place and she'd taken my words, had pocketed the rest of my defenses sometime ago.

Distractedly I wondered if this was what a breakdown felt like, if I was losing my mind. I had not cried in over ten years. My hand found its way to my lips as hers fell away and I blinked against the burn of salt in my eyes. I looked at the letter again, and I was submerged in the aching loneliness of his absence, of holding myself back with such constancy. She was saying the most wonderful things in a moment where they dug into me, hurt me with their tenderness and I missed him so intensely. I did not want to feel any of this… hope, grief… I'd pushed it away for months. She'd noticed my attention and was gazing at the letter now herself, unsure.

"What is that?"

I tried to explain. "My father wrote it before he passed away." I stopped because my voice was not even, attempted to force myself calm. "That lett-ahmm..." My words dissolved on my tongue taking my control with them. Streams of tears were now falling down my crumbling stone face.

"Shizuru. I'm sorry, I..." There was a touch of panic that only worsened my upset and embarrassment.

"Kanin-na." It was choked, and I covered my face thoroughly ashamed. She moved my hand, put hers on my cheek again. Her hold on it was so careful that it wounded me further. I felt so unworthy of kindness…of her… still, I lost myself a little more and a tiny humiliation of a noise escaped me when I first tried to speak. I forced the words out because I could not believe I was crying in front of her. "Kanin-na, it is just that I am tired." I should not be showing this, not to anyone.

"Lay down." Her low voice filled my ears. I was staggered when she scooted over and lay on her side facing me, used a hand held in mine to bring me to her, against her on a bench that though wide, was snug for two. Fingers touched my hair tentatively and it was soothing in a way I felt discomfiture in permitting, but could not refuse. My body took over, tucking itself into hers. My guilt doubled with my noticing the touch of our legs, how aware I was of our nearness. I was so utterly hopeless a person.

"You are being far too sweet with me Natsuki," I spoke those words against her chest.

"Someone has to be." Was her enigmatic answer and I tried to unravel the meaning of it. That warm hand was on my face again brushing against my temple. I had never been touched with such care by any of my lovers, with passion yes, but never as though each motion mattered, never as though _I_ were something delicate, something precious. Her kindheartedness, and the tears…I closed my eyes to stop them but both squeezed through regardless.

Another tide of emotion came. "I am behaving so foolishly tonight." As I lifted my eyelids, looked at her, she shook her head at me.

"If you're upset just be upset Shizuru." She said quietly. "I only wanted to see you."

Her arm twisted behind her, pulled the afghan from the bench's back, sat up only enough to drape it over us, her body pressing against mine in all sorts of ways I attempted to ignore. She un-tucked the second curtain from its pullback, the coppery fabric tumbling and cocooning us in dim amber light, in this place that was mine… this space in which I'd expected to break apart. I was, but not in the way I'd thought. I had not imagined her cradling the pieces of me, reassembling them already… effortless hold that she had on me. Perhaps this was a dream I could finally remember, some beautiful dream overtaking a long nightmare.

 _I don't want you to leave_. It almost snuck out before I considered it. I caught it, but then watching her eyes, I could not hold myself fully. "Will you stay?" I whispered it, nervous until she nodded. I was not sure what I meant by the question. If it was intended to mean tonight or something more.

All of this was so overwhelming, like being adrift on the ocean. "Sleep." She said to me quietly.

"Perhaps it would help if Natsuki gave me a goodnight kiss?" I said just as quietly with a conscious, curling smile. I could feel that it did not reach my eyes.

We stared at one another for a moment and I tucked my head back down, feeling silly for having said it. I felt fingers lift my chin and she blushed for no reason I could discern. Even though I could see it coming, the tender slightly unsure press of her mouth that followed. I was surprised by it. My hand was at her neck almost immediately and I kissed her back just as lightly… her lips, her cheek. That flush, the softness of her lips, the gentle drag of her fingers in my hair picked a thought from my mind, that this, these things she was drawing out of me were without a doubt love. It scared me to death, but her arms, I could not bring myself to consider leaving them, I did not want to. I closed my eyes again and let the heaviness of sleep take me, that beautiful warmth surrounding me.

**Digression #23: Homura Nagi  
** **Date: March 8** **th** **, 2014 … A Saturday**

Nagi sat in his cell, legs crossed and smiling as he spoke to the man in the cell behind his. They were speaking of nothing really… information gathering. It was a way to pass the time. The man beside him had two children, worked a normal job, but was greedy. He'd been careless in his pursuit of money, his petty thieving from the company he worked for. Nagi had no sympathy for him… no sympathy for anyone. Sympathy required a sense that things should have been different…. a belief that the world worked upon some sort of system of checks and balances. He held neither illusion.

Nagi's current predicament was not a surprise to him really… entropy would dictate it had to end one way or another. Nothing continued indefinitely… nothing went in the same direction forever. This could have happened at any point in the tale. He really had never cared how it happened, the chaos, just that it did.

Homura Nagi had also never cared about money or power despite the ambition others claimed was so apparent in him. He cared about watching those who sought such things tear themselves asunder. Most men spent their lives scrambling in the dust and dirt for pennies left in the wake of the rich, working honest jobs in the hot sun, driven by the anticipation of some comeuppance. Notions such as perseverance, persistence, ambition… food for the masses who ate it up like hungry dogs. Those that had… they were blinded by the power it gave them over these striving climbers. Both forgot that all of it was just as likely to disappear as stay.

Life, as he understood it, was a game… a child's game and that was the truth. It was a meaningless jump three steps forward followed by a forgettable fall backward… pretty colors and characters that ultimately served no purpose other than amusement. Games were never entirely strategic. They could be cheated, manipulated, or stacked. Life was learning to do that because if you could play by the rules of the plutocracy who stomped those beneath them to the ground, then you were one of them. Those wickedly wealthy men who owned Iwasaka… with their drug trials and their God playing. His family with their rare genetic defect, their albinism that he hid now beneath a light tanning lotion. They were merely instruments to Iwasaka… disposable and irrelevant. Those drugs, the sun-blocking topical treatment for their sensitive skin… it gave them all some rare cancer that grew from their sweat glands. He watched amazed as the pharmaceutical company skirted by wholly unscathed… threw his world into entropy and left. He had to marvel at it because watching his family die purposelessly… their wretched, painful deaths… it was an education. His father's hard work meant nothing, his mother's cooking, his sister's good grades, the permanence of familial bonds… all wiped away with no consequence. He survived them, why? Because the lotion made him itch and he'd only pretended to put it on. An itch spared his life and that was simply not consistent with the order people wanted to believe existed beneath everything. There was no reason… there was only circumstance and events that had no meaning, no place, no importance. Consequences were an illusion, an empty threat held to keep the masses in line. Consequences were made by those that understood the game. Most people were happy little pieces moving about the board along a painted road they thought was necessary. Nagi's realization that order and consequences were fallacy… it taught him how to fold the board in half. It taught him there was really no beginning or end to anything. Beginnings and ends required predictability that life did not possess. He cheated his way through school, maneuvered and manipulated as he saw fit, existed outside of the dream world he'd been stripped of long ago. Watching, always watching… watching from the outside as everyone else ran around unaware of the futility of playing by the rules. So much could be learned and accomplished by watching... watching and steering.

All of these people forgot about entropy. He intended to remind them all. In his early teens, he'd decided that Iwasaka pharmaceutical needed some chaos. Not revenge… revenge was another delusion. They needed to be shaken, shown a truth they'd ignored. He had no grand plan… goal-based plans were pointless. His idea was only to bring them problems, destroy them as his own family had been destroyed…without a sense of compassion… with the mindset that humans were merely animals like any lab rat he'd injected with cancer… animals that given consciousness now thought themselves above any other creature. He needed to remind those who would forget that nothing could escape the chaos and that if God existed anywhere it was in the disordered nothing that controlled the universe. Nagi dedicated himself to pulling the rug from under those who felt comfortable. Those who understood the game often let it go to their heads. They often abandoned what drove everything in their growing hubris and the intoxicating vapors of imagined financial security.

Saeko had always needed to be removed. He knew that from the moment he'd first met her. Scientists liked order… coveted it and she was no exception. She did not understand the game in the slightest, couldn't play it. Everything was by the book… things would go quicker if they dodged the system. It was all too easy to pin the first study on her, to coerce her into agreeing to it in the first place and change the protocol. He read people well and knew the promise of discovery, of progress with HiME as a preventative tool would entice her… whispers, encouragements, bits of an idea, a possible future and she caved after only a month. Nagi took the project and ran with it because it was so delightful to use Iwasaka's own money to fund a study whose purpose was to destroy their reputation. The biological materials recycling program fell into his lap like a Christmas present. He'd work out the kinks in his system at Fuuka and then create an even larger problem at Artai… one that couldn't be swept away… a permanent, crippling blow. A perfect set up…so inhuman, so cold and so difficult for the average mind to believe...held down as it was by the falsity of right versus wrong thinking. To such people, it was simply incomprehensible.

And his motive… only because he could… it was equally puzzling to the men who interrogated him. All he had to do was be smarter than Iwasaka… than Smith and he could continue to tear things apart without cause or justification. The participants did not matter to him, just as his family had not mattered to others. Their deaths were beautiful in their own way, an homage to the heartless chaos beneath it all… a stark contrast to power and money and all other illusions of men.

Fujino… she had been his downfall. He was fascinated by her… too much so. The woman was a child of entropy scorching perfect manners and calm reason over her own restless skin. She tried so hard to control her natural inclinations, but it was there in those gorgeous eyes. People flocked to her, magnetic attraction to that which could rip them to pieces. He'd seen it immediately. It was a delight to witness and her naked denial of it… the sweetest frosting. To watch her slow surrender to the crushing weight of her conflictions while she led sacrificial lamb after sacrificial lamb to him… it was glorious. He foisted responsibility upon her… stressed her deliberately. He kept her around only to watch… only to see something that spectacular.

Then came Marguerite… chaos personified. She was Fujino without class, without shame, without sense, and most importantly with precious little in the way of sanity. A much easier piece to maneuver…that key to the woman's office, so easy to take from her and slip back into her lab coat, so simple a task. Another new idea…he was going to set Fujino up, watch the resulting storm tear the silk exterior away and all that wondrousness would break out, he wanted to see it so badly. To free her and in the same swift strike rain hell down on public relations for First District's precious Fuuka Hospital… for Iwasaka… it would have been so much beauty.

He'd gotten caught up though… in watching Fujino… in maneuvering her. He'd wasted too much time. Entropy stepped in because even servants needed reminding it seemed… a man humbled.

He never anticipated the beauty of what had actually happened. His side experiments with HiME… an outlet for wasted funds and simple curiosity. SEARRS and Smith thought they knew everything... thought it wasn't painfully obvious that Fuuka, Iwasaka, Smith and SEARRS were all in bed together. He'd sold the new direction to Iwasaka perfectly… some sort of cancer treatment goldmine and the healing properties... strength enhancement… military applications… money to be made. He'd framed it all just the way they liked it, omitting that it only took in the females. In reality, he'd just been toying with the serum… trying things… adding things... injecting mice… seeing what results entropy would manifest. This last time he'd made something real. Three and half months ago he'd held in his hand a drug capable of complete tumor suppression… a miracle cancer prevention. Those bags of tumor he collected… one after one he loaded the malignant cells into his healthy HiME treated mice and nothing, not a single growth. Control group after control group of mice dead, yet those HiME treated female mice were still scampering about as if nothing in the world could touch them. Entropy halted and for all his understanding of chaos… he'd made something that stopped it. Granted the mice were a bit more aggressive, but it was just added a sorely needed touch of disorder. New idea… ruin Iwasaka by toppling their monopoly on chemotherapy and screw SEARRS over by illegally selling HiME preventative serum to an alternate private corporation. First order of business… kill the third study… but he was distracted by trying to frame Fujino… took his time with it… used and pressed her too much. He ran out of time and hadn't gotten far with it.

Of all the things that he'd done, all the violence and tragedy he wrought, that was what brought action from Smith. It would mean no more chemotherapy drugs for Iwasaka… billions lost and Smith had swooped down. In all his chaos making he'd created something truly beneficial to mankind… and _that_ was absolutely unforgivable. To think he of all people, had realized Saeko's dream in a quest to destroy the dreams of others. Really, it was brilliant of Smith to use Saeko's daughter the way they had, to allow her the lie of revenge to cover themselves, to kill her mother's dream by realizing her own. It was beautiful in the way that only tragedy could be. She didn't know either. The daughter would happily skip through her life thinking it had all been for a reason when the reality was that her reality as she knew it did not exist. That wasn't beautiful enough though… she needed to understand, needed a bit of entropy, some reminding. It would probably be two more days before her ex-boyfriend received the letter he'd sent to him, the one that contained a single vial and the daughter's name. If he was correct, which more often than not he was, Smith would not be looking at the man at all. It was a waiting game now… and he could wait.

They had him arrested, disclosed his actions to the public. He was demonized, made an absolute villain by the bits of truths they fed to the daughter and the bits of truth they kept from her. That was all to be expected. Smith was paid to take reality and switch it for some crafted distortion in which they were the heroes… dutiful investigators uncovering a true travesty of justice. Smith the white knight, the great watchdog, and Kazahana Mashiro, a guardian of medical ethics… he wondered how they would paint Iwasaka. He knew enough that the families would certainly sue and anticipated some lawsuits to swing his way as well. Such was the game and so he played on. He'd already planted his seeds… and one way or another they would grow. Bits of HiME mailed to random people… activists, businessmen, scientists...bits of HiME inside people. He would see what they did with it… a little more chaos and it mattered not to him to have the enforcers from Smith shaking their clammy fists in his face. He would not tell. Where would the fun be in that? This world was so twisted… tangled and horrid and undeniably lovely in its duplicity. He had a duty to maintain such gorgeous entropy.

He had heard some news already... that the daughter's little article had gotten Fujino suspended which was wonderful. Such delicious pain for the two of them where he already delighted in their tortured love non-affair. He could crisply recall sitting on the small stone balcony of the encased façade within the hospital… mostly hidden by the balusters and watching the lobby below… two people… Fujino and Kuga. One was slumped in a chair the other kneeling to touch a face and leaning in close. Her movements were full of unexpected and barely restrained feeling. It looked as though a kiss had been stolen and he'd been intrigued by the entire exchange. Even more so when the confusion that followed revealed Kuga was asleep at the time. He'd fed the information to Marguerite casually… biding time until the conversation was appropriate for it and watched her happily as she burned in rage. So much madness between them… between Marguerite and Fujino… between Fujino and Kuga… between Kuga and Marguerite… so much strain. He began to pay attention to all of them and this article… Kuga's part in it. He wondered if it would all slam them together with such force that it broke them. Perhaps Fujino would implode after all… it could go either way. He hoped it wouldn't be a cookie-cutter ending… that they wouldn't find a way through it. He hoped for pure open wound agony. The worst thing he could imagine was if Fujino and Kuga somehow balanced one another... calmed the chaos that lived inside them. It was unlikely... that sort of thing was fortunately rare. He was honestly sorry he'd miss whatever happened but he'd continue to hope for the bleeding emotional destruction love could bring rather than the gushy sugar-sweet alternative. Nagi imagined Fujino would be a force of nature if she could ever surrender herself completely. He was unequivocally certain that if she ever lost it, she'd be an impossibly beautiful creature.

**Aside #23: The Home of Fujino Shizuru** _(Background)_

Fujino Shizuru had bought her home from an American that had built it from the ground up, based upon a favored piece of architecture from a country the woman had been in love with since she was a child. Una Shamrock had sold the property when she'd secured a job in that place she'd visited so many summers when she was a child... Morocco. The woman was a lovely person and Shizuru was able to communicate with her in a combination of Japanese and English. Through their conversations, she discovered that the woman had moved to Japan ten years prior for business. By the end of the sale, they had become friendly enough with one another that Ms. Shamrock insisted on preparing a traditional Moroccan meal for the other woman. Her love of the country had led to proficiency with several common dishes. It was full of unfamiliar flavors and spices… but Shizuru enjoyed it as much as she enjoyed the company.

She had purchased the home for three reasons. The first of the three, the one that drew her to it in the first place, was the home's proximity to Fuuka Hospital. It allowed her to drive to the hospital in five minutes and walk in a little under twenty-five. She rarely did so in the winter, but when the weather was nicer, and when she was motivated to wake up early, she would forego her car entirely.

The second reason was the fact that the exotic Moorish architectural elements did not remind her of the very traditional Japanese home in which she'd grown up. There were none of miter or tenon joints so common in the temples and homes she knew from Kyoto. This house did not recall memories of her childhood or her parents. It reminded her only of stories, of far away things she'd never seen.

She liked the tile work and wood screens with their tessellating patterns against the smooth whiteness of most of the house. Soft fabrics were strategically placed and made the entire space very inviting and casually intimate. A riad was built behind the house, native plants and trees lining the interior open-air courtyard. Off-white tile with dirt beds geometrically situated and plants allowed to grow as they pleased within the confines… a clear pool of water against one wall and the softly trickling fountain…she adored it. The home was so entirely different… the lines were curved and smooth. She found herself researching the furnishings and style of the region to preserve the flow of the house, respect those who had built it. It was another inclination she followed only because it seemed right to her. The only place where her own upbringing bled through was her bedroom… a low bed in a heavily windowed room, no headboard, a platform in a dark wood. A solid-colored rug lay on the floor and attention was paid to symmetry.

The third reason was the nook. The nook was Shizuru's most favorite space in the entirety of the modest house. It was a space inset into the wall housing a large, plush bench and full of soft-looking pillows. The entrance to the nook was a wide ogee arch, fabric curtains set inside that could enclose the space. At first glance, the shape reminded her of a large church bell. The coppery draping fabrics and the dark cushions within added to the effect.


	24. The Letter, Ken, and the Snake Catcher

**Narrative #24: The Letter** **  
Date: March 7th, 2014 … a Friday**

The faint sound of familiar music, an operatic duet, drew the veil of sleep. The flowing strings filled my mind, made me wonder if I was in a dream I would not remember later. Either way, it was oddly soothing and my body felt wonderfully warm. My fogged brain saw no reason to concern itself with discovering the source of the sound and my eyes closed as if to hold in the last vestiges of sleep.

A sharp intake of breath, a curse startled me awake. "Damn it!" My eyes snapped open as the body behind me squirmed to stop the music.

 _The body behind me…_ "Natsuki?" My voice was deep with sleep and dryness. My eyes began to throb lightly and my throat felt rough. I'd forgotten what upset does to one's body.

"Hey." Her voice was a cut deeper than my own and carried a resonance that tickled my skin.

I was waking up beside her, her body was curled around mine, hand dangling at my hip. All of that and I'd been woken by opera? It only added to my disbelief.

"Can you sit up?" She asked. Confused and embarrassed as the events of last night came pouring in, I lifted my body. It still felt bogged down with tiredness. I realized that her arm had been beneath my neck as she pulled it away, that I'd turned around during the night. One of us had kept our embrace, her front to my back. It was fairly dark in my home and I wondered at the time, as I blinked.

 _We'd fallen asleep in the nook?_ Closing my eyes against the ache in them, I sat up fully, pushing a hand through the amber curtains. It was a crack through the center of the peace I'd felt when first rising and the memories of the previous night assailed me. I touched a switch on the wall, elevated it slightly and the dim recessed lights in the adjacent hallway came on as though illuminating an escape route. I wanted to leave, to have a few private moments to properly compose myself. I had wept in front of her like some foolish teenager. I had forgotten myself completely, we had kissed. The weakness I had displayed last night, the impropriety inherent in having lost myself like that. Even with the good that had happened…

Her hand on my shoulder stopped me from climbing out of the space, pulled me back in with no more than its gentleness. I needed to smile, I needed to turn around and smile, to think of some teasing response. I could not do this, but then that hand squeezed lightly. "Shizuru?"

"Hmm?" I murmured attempting to overcome the tide of panic. I felt her shift and suddenly she was sitting cross-legged beside me. She rubbed at her face emitting a small, sleep-laden hum of noise as she rolled her neck. It sounded so much like a soft moan and so close to me that it made my eyelids flutter, my nerves tingle. My body was impossible to tame. Why it had to respond to her in this way and with such disregard for situational appropriateness, I had no idea. "I was unaware Natsuki had a taste for opera," I commented to distract myself, to focus on something else entirely.

A light eye-roll around a yawn. "Alyssa changes the alarm on my phone when I make fun of her music."

There it was, a bit of a smile… she'd found it for me. I would have guessed there was an explanation for the music. Truly it would have shocked me if she did indeed enjoy the genre, but she'd shocked me before. _Such as last night_.

I kept my head down and watched her out of the corner of my eye. "Natsuki stayed."

"You asked me to." She said seriously and my arms passed in front of me, crossing and covering. My mind was already picking apart the statement, wondering if she felt obligated, but that did not seem like her. "I gotta go into work."

I glanced over at the clock. It was just past five in the morning. "Is there anything I can do for you?" I asked.

"Sleep more." She answered seriously.

"Natsuki," I did not really know what I intended to follow with, but the fact that she had stayed, had said what she did the night before…brought more than a twinge of fear.

She gave me another intense look. "And pick up your phone."

I had wanted to argue with her, an odd defensiveness rearing up inside me. In response to what, I could not understand. Perhaps having shown her what I did last night? I was so uncomfortable with what had transpired, yet I wanted it. It was possible that I needed it.

"I do not have one at the moment." Her face fell at the subtle change in my tone. I suppose the reality was that I expected her to run as far as she could after the way I'd fallen to pieces on her last night. I would understand such a reaction even if the idea of it was crushing. Would it not be for the best?

An inquisitive glance. "Oh."

"I should remedy that I suppose." It was impossible to put such a thing off forever, if for no other reason than professionalism.

There was also the fact that she'd asked me about it, had wanted that point of connection. It had more influence over my actions than I would like to admit. I wondered if there was anything she could request that I would not at least make an attempt at giving her. Such a thought frightened me for what had occurred between us. I did not know that I could do what was best for her, not if she wanted us to do exactly what I believed was dangerous and inappropriate. I did not know that I could determine what was best for either of us, but part of me believed so strongly her involvement with me would only end in pain. I was not to be trusted with anyone's emotions. That had not been changed by our kiss.

"Promise, Shizuru."

I gazed her way, leaving my worries alone for a moment to address the strain in her voice. Green eyes were fixed on me and it made my heart pound in my chest. "What would you like me to promise?"

"That you won't disappear on me again." I was struck by the strange urge to laugh and cry at the same time. It was a likely possibility because it would have been easiest. Something inside me was screaming for solitude, for egress. Her eyebrow twitched slightly as she waited for my response and when it was not forthcoming, she touched my cheek with the infinite gentleness she'd displayed last night. I wanted to hold her to me and all thoughts of self-imposed isolation melted away.

"Natsuki seems to be able to find me even when I try to." It was the truth. Perhaps another truth was that I could not disappear even if I wanted to. I'd been trying for so long now. I'd never truly been able to make anything disappear. All the things I thought I'd vanished had returned last night as proof of that. It had all been misdirection, a sleight of hand. The coin always remained.

Her face was determined and so worried, unease permeated her posture. "You're not okay." A statement question spoken more to herself than me and it embarrassed me further that it was still so obvious.

"Kanin-na." I looked toward the floor. "It is not my intention to worry you."

Her eyelids clamped tightly before she glanced at me sideways. "I'm gonna come back tonight. I have to go home first. Duran's probably pissed at me, I should see Alyssa too."

"It is unlikely that I will be good company." I did not know how anyone could possibly stand to be around me in my current state, especially when I myself could not.

"You put up with me." She answered.

"Your presence has never been anything I needed to _put up with_ ," I replied quietly. She stared and then shook her head at me, not at all settled.

Something was running through her mind and I became nervous as I waited. Her eyes turned my way, eyebrows knit and mouth in a frown. "Neither has yours."

What she'd said did not ring true to me and I fought the surge of warmth it caused. How could that be so after last night and all the things I had heaped upon her? "Is there nothing that would convince you it is unnecessary?"

I stared at her as she put her hair up, looking straight ahead. "I want to."

I let my arms cross by cradling my elbows in my palms. "Should you not sleep though? You did not get enough last night and your work will only add to the exhaustion you must feel."

A hand slid to her neck, eyes slightly hurt and it hurt me in turn. "Tell me if you don't want me to, Shizuru." _I'd refused too adamantly._

Our eyes met and the emotion in hers dismantled me. It was the only thing I wanted right now, her near me even it felt selfish. "Perhaps Natsuki would allow me to make her dinner… to assuage some of my guilt for taking up so much of her time?" An admission of one of the reasons why I was resisting, the weight of my own blame in this.

A small smile appeared on her face and it softened my troubled mind, softened her features as she gave me a nod.

I folded my hands in my lap. To steal her away again though? She had a life I was taking her from, her own problems without being saddled with mine… and what of that kiss? Could I even think of allowing myself more with her? To consider something real between us, should I was a better question. Was I not acquiescing to some extent already by permitting her to return? Perhaps if she brought some of her responsibilities with her…

"If it would comfort you, you are welcome to bring your dog with you when you return."

Her eyes sparkled like those of a child given a present and I could not help the smile that came to my lips. "Yeah?"

"If you are truly concerned that he is unhappy with you. I cannot be responsible for subjecting you to the wrath of Duran-chan."

She rolled her eyes at me. "He's scarier than he looks." I watched curiously as she bit at her lip and then ducked down to kiss my cheek quickly. My body responded before I gave it conscious consideration, face turning, hand catching her beneath her ear, lips taking hers. The emotion I felt for her, the gratitude and the affection seeping through because they would not be contained any longer, not when her lips were so close and their taste was still fresh. Her eyes were wide when I pulled back and I wondered if it was unwelcome. _Far too bold of me_ _, far too selfish_. I let my hand slip away from her neck.

"Kanin-na. I should nm." Her mouth was suddenly returned to mine with conviction. The unexpectedness floored me but I responded instinctually, clung to the feeling she provoked. The touch of her burned away the turmoil inside me and I found myself wondering if I never let go, if slept in her arms each night would she slowly steady the vertigo of a world that would not let me hide? It was still too much to ask of anyone.

A light blush made her cheeks gray in the darkness. I smiled at her softly, but it faded as I took her in. Her eyes were boring into me, fingers balanced on their tips where they were perched on either side of my thigh. Eyebrows were drawn together as though she were confused but that intensity, it never left her face. Her unwavering gaze pulled the blood from my heart and painted my neck with it. The inside of my lip slid between my teeth because what I felt coming off her was strong, it tensed my muscles. My body reacted to it as though it were a physical press. She seemed to come back to herself suddenly and straightened up, backing away.

I resumed breathing as she cleared her throat, attempting subtlety with it, but subtlety was not one of her many strengths. What had just occurred? It was not even a deep kiss, no words spoken between us, just her eyes. For me to be this flustered by it…

"I need to go." She murmured moving toward the front door, kneeling to slip on her boots. I stood and moved to stand beside her as she put on her coat and grabbed her helmet. The door creaked as I opened it for her.

"Do not play too dangerously." I infused as much playfulness into my tone as I could while I attempted to wrap my mind around what in that had caused such feelings in me. Her response to our last kiss was not something I understood within the context of Natsuki as a person. Though she _had_ always had a rather intense stare, one that had pulled things from me before…

She paused at the doorway, cheeks only slightly pink now. My heart stopped as she threw me a smirk and a nod before departing. _She was too adorable really_. I watched as she hopped on her bike and walked it backward out of the driveway in the gray light of early morning. The vehicle did suit her even if it was not the safest method of transportation. I pushed the door closed and rested my forehead against the wood. This was all so unexpected. Her importance in my life, the possibilities that had sprung up from the nothingness that suffocated me last night.

Moving to my bedroom, it was difficult to shake the memory of her lips even as sleep took me, my neck still felt hot. I woke some two hours later, feeling significantly less heavy than I had before. Carefully I pushed my body up and made my way toward the kitchen to pour myself some water. My actions, my movements seem to pass in a haze, few things capturing my attention and my thoughts were disjointed as I readied myself for the day. They were of the unsettled feelings that stretched outward and distended the edges of me. Indistinguishable clusters of emotion crawled in through the cracks, wreaking havoc with the calmness I was desperately trying to recapture. The difference was that I could function because the overflow of emotion I'd experienced with her last night had given me some measure of relief. I was by no means fine, but this was an improvement.

Sometime later, I was standing by the wall outside my kitchen. I'd dressed myself and was clutching my arms a bit too tightly. My eyes were fixed on the letter where it still sat in the nook, upon the arm of the bench now. I knew I would read it before she came tonight, that for some reason I had to if only to be done with it. I was waiting to shower for two reasons; one was the ridiculous notion of smelling my most pleasant when she arrived and the other was the possibility that what was contained in the letter may give me cause to shower again.

A knock on my front door filled me with dread and I slowly walked over, peering through the peephole to see one of the few people I would have been pleased to spend time with.

I opened the door. "Good afternoon Reito." It was just barely past noon.

He handed me a tea. "Good afternoon Shizuru." A box was lifted from his satchel. "Mai has sent me with food and explicit instruction to obtain visible proof that you did in fact eat some."

 _How strange_. I wondered if he'd misunderstood and that was not something he was supposed to keep to himself. Perhaps he'd become somewhat rusty in the veiled communications women were so fond of. I'd not given him much practice lately and I did not think Mikoto capable of any form of misrepresentation. Sinking into our normal communications required some effort, but at least it was doable. Yesterday that had not been the case.

"Has she? Did she say what the consequences would be if such proof is not attained?"

I wondered if his shopkeeper already knew what had occurred between Natsuki and me, that she had come here last night. It was likely if she had cause to be concerned that I might not be eating. That she would even consider my wellbeing was somewhat surprising to me.

"Just that they would be dire. You seem in slightly better spirits."

"The tea has helped of course."

"Yohko also asked me to give you this." He reached back into his bag and pulled out a novel by an author the woman knew I enjoyed. _How thoughtful_. I would need to send her a text once I secured a new phone. That was another thing I should take care of today. "Your popularity is burdening my messenger bag." He smiled kindly at me.

I returned it on a smaller scale. "Would you like to sit?"

"How _is_ the tea? They were out of your favorite I'm afraid. This is a new blend." I could feel the worry radiating from him, that it was not about the tea whatsoever.

I took a sip. "It is a welcome change, ookini." It was and I focused on the subtle flavors in the drink. "How is Reito?"

"Well, but I do miss our chats at work. Wang-sensei is not as pleasant to converse with and Kuga-sensei has threatened me with physical violence over my ' _monopolization'_ of Yohko. I would like to think she was only half-serious." My smile widened and I covered my mouth.

"And your shopkeeper?"

"She is doing well too. Concerned for you though."

"Why is that?"

"It is difficult to tell exactly. There is of course, the fact she likes you, but I do believe she also feels some undo culpability for your suspension given her brother wrote the article. Perhaps that is it."

That was most certainly unnecessary. "Please assure her that she carried no fault in that."

"I have several times. Guilt is largely unresponsive to reassurance I've found."

That was something I knew to be true. "Reito…"

"Yes?"

I wanted to know if he knew what had occurred between Natsuki and myself, if Mai-han knew of my sexual predilections... if it bothered her. It did not seem to, but I did not know how much she understood of the situation between her friend and myself. I did not know how much I truly understood of it yet.

His head cocked and he waited. "Does Mai-han know much of me?"

He placed his cup on the table, interested. "From your trips to the shop, I would assume she knows some things. And I've spoken of you to her, good things, of course. Is there something, in particular, you're referring to, Shizuru?"

I closed my eyes to hide the anxiousness that was nearly spilling from me. "Of my preferences?"

His tone turned serious and that was incredibly nerve-wracking. "She does. I saw no reason to lie. Did I overstep?"

 _Did I want him to lie?_ Yes and no was the most honest answer. I kept my eyes closed when I asked the next question. "Does the situation trouble her?"

"Trouble her..." My eyelids opened and I looked at him. "In what sense?" He had interlaced his fingers, resting them beneath the small neat beard that had filled out a bit. It looked almost as though he were attempting to grow a goatee. There was only curiosity in his face, as though he could scarcely guess at what I meant.

"Does my association with Natsuki, in light of that, concern her?" Eyebrows raised in an expression of surprise. My clarification was apparently not something he'd considered. His reaction felt comforting and naive at the same time.

"It does not, nor would I be comfortable if it did. She isn't one to judge people. Outside of that fact, her younger brother has some unique preferences himself. Remind me to tell you about that sometime." He looked at me carefully and I was not sure what to make of his words. That it would bother him if Mai-han reacted poorly, it stirred something in me. "If you're concerned as to whether Mai knows what happened between you and Kuga-san the other week, then the answer is also 'yes'. Though the details provided were rather sparing."

That was immensely uncomfortable for me. It was to be assumed, given that I'd spoken of it with no one, that Natsuki had told Mai-han and Mai-han had told him.

"Reito is discussing my love life with his shopkeeper?" I forced myself not to end the conversation. For him to keep coming here to see me, keep caring, and me to always keep him at arm's length deliberately, it was not the type of friendship I wished to continue offering to those who would offer me much more. I gave him what I could even if it provoked a terrible nervousness in me. Where I was emotionally, hiding or revealing took nearly equivalent levels of strain anyway.

"Is it truly a surprise? Kuga-san is one of her closest friends and I consider you to be one of mine." That was truly touching, and I felt very much the same about him, even if his discussing it with a certain redhead made me anxious. "Does that upset you? I realize you are a private person Shizuru and it was not our intention to violate that privacy. It is only that she worries for Kuga-san as I worry for you."

I glanced toward the ground. "No, it does not." Not in the way that he meant it certainly. "For what it is worth, I do recognize that it is something of a challenge to extract information from me."

He shook his head, that boyish smile on his lips accompanied a soft chuckle. "The challenge is a part of your charm Shizuru." That was a matter for some debate. "I did notice Kuga-san was _unusually_ cheerful this morning. At least until I ran into her while she was pilfering a toothbrush from the post-anesthesia care unit. Rather odd behavior."

"Ara, that is strange." There was no chance I would indulge in such insinuations even if the baser part of me did enjoy them. It would have cheapened the comfort she'd so freely given to me.

His smile turned to a smirk. "Indeed."

I had no intention of explaining what had happened last night either. It was far too personal, something that very much belonged to the two of us and something that could not be explained simply. Our shared kisses, they were a very new thing and the feelings admitted were surrounded by my decompensating. I still had so much left to sort through concerning so many things, but inwardly I did feel lightened by the news that Natsuki was not troubled obviously by our night together.

Remembering the oath he had taken, I unwrapped the bento and took a small piece contained within, chewing it even though I was not truly hungry. After I finished, I gave him a smile. "So, you may tell Mai-han you saw me eat, and please send her my gratitude."

"Of course. I should head back, but I am pleased you're feeling a bit better Shizuru. Truly, work is not the same without you." _Such genuine affection in his eyes._

I did miss him as well. He was a wonderful friend to me. "Ookini, for stopping by," I said, hoping that my sincerity came across.

"It's my pleasure. Take care of yourself Shizuru." We shared a hug and we waved goodbye.

It was progress if nothing else, to hold a conversation and not feel overwhelmed by it. I wondered whether it was the sleep or Natsuki that had been medicine to my turbulence. It was not difficult to arrive at the most probable answer. While I had this small bit of control over myself, I should be productive with it.

With a sigh, I walked over and picked up the pages of my father's letter. The paper itself was of fine quality, thick and smooth feeling. Each handwritten line scrolled in a perfect vertical, each character written and selected with care. Folding it, I brought it to the kitchen, placing it beside what remained of the tea Reito had brought. I wrapped the sides of the knit cardigan I had on tight around my sides, crossing my arms and holding my elbows. A moment to collect myself... to prepare.

Gathering both items, I walked out into the courtyard and planted myself on the bench there. There was a small red maple tree planted in one of the grass beds, its branches stretching up toward the sun. Sunrays dancing through the new leaves cast dappled light across the smooth cement beneath me. I remembered the word my father had taught me for it… _komorebi_. It was one of the words I'd written in Alyssa's book before returning it to her.

Recognizing that to some degree I was stalling, I unfolded the sheets letting my eyes fall onto the first line, one that I knew well. The experience of reading that letter was one I could no begin to describe. It slipped inside me and bit deeply, squeezing me breathless and holding me fast. I heard his voice in my head speaking each word of it, saw his mouth in my mind, moving in the way it did, the way that mine did as if it had its own will. His lips that had to be tamed lest they say too much, controlled in the same way that my own far too expressive reddish-brown eyes did. Two fingers stayed perched across my mouth the entire time, as if hiding it could keep what I felt from emerging, from becoming anything more than a fleeting reflection of sentiment that I was not entirely ready for. He wanted so badly for this to be catharsis, that much was clear. But after so long, I found my feelings difficult to understand and confusing. It felt more like small bursts of emotion set off within in me, alternately lifting and deflating my chest, my heart. There were parts of his letter that meant the world to me, other sections that tore in, beyond what I could take, and still others that simply did not feel true. I read it twice more, a lump taking up residence in my throat.

For some time after, I sat in silence filled with that same slightly nauseous ache that first came when I listened to the message from my mother. I was overwhelmed by a sudden desire to do... _something,_ something which would pay tribute to the things I felt for him _._ Walking back into the house, I went to the small office I'd set up. I sat on the computer and typed my father's name and the word 'obituary'. The first result was from the funeral home my grandmother, his mother, had been taken to. I read through the two paragraphs, a hollowness inside me; _cancer_ , I'd seen too much of that word lately… he'd been cremated it said…and amid these stark facts which I had not known, were the crafted lies of my current life. Visions of the home in which I was raised came to me, of the memories I'd built there, and I found myself wondering what place of honor my mother had set aside for his ashes.

I sat back in the chair watching the screen, hand again over my mouth and a single tear escaped that I wiped away harshly. My eyes slid closed and I breathed, shutting my laptop. This needed to be done even if it was so very painful. Because _I_ needed to be done with hiding from the reality of his death, perhaps of what had happened between my parents and me.

After another moment I stood, making my way toward the bedroom. I paused at a closet outside pulled a small wooden box from the top shelf. The only photos I'd taken with me when I left, I kept them here with the katanas and the naginata I'd kept. I leafed through the box attempting not to linger on the remembrances they provoked until I found what it was, I sought. It was a photo of him carrying me on top of his shoulders asleep, clutching his hair. One of the few candid shots among our family photos. I took it, the rest of the pictures, a small bowl, and granular incense I kept in my living room. I walked through the unusual half-indoor garden. As I walked the small circular path, I picked blossoms and perfect leaves from amongst my plants. I lined them in the center of the riad beneath the absent roof, a touch of sun streaming down onto the floor. I rested his picture against the bowl scattering the blossoms around it, tucked the letter behind his picture, and lit the incense. I wanted the curling smoke to touch all these things. I sat on the grass bed nearest the bowl. The grass felt new and fresh beneath my fingertips and I sunk my left hand into the soil. It was cold and the smell reminded me of the river my father used to fish at, like cool water and mossy earth. As the incense burned, I watched them, watched the soft red-orange glow as it transmuted solid bits to feather-gray ash that fell away like nothing, consumed and spent in the same fashion his body must have been.

I withdrew my hand from the ground, put off by the dirt staining my skin, and trapping itself beneath my fingernails. With my other hand, I laid the pictures on the brick floor in front of me, inspected the rest of the photos I'd taken from the box. I had not looked at them since I left. My beautiful mother who was so ashamed of me now, was holding me when I was a baby. It was a time before I'd dishonored her. My father and my mother and I in so many posed pictures. Looking through these made my whole body ache. I nearly stopped, but something drove me to keep flipping through. The next was a picture of my mother alone. She was giving one of her rare smiles dressed in a yukata. I could distinctly remember being a child, seeing this very photo on my father's desk. I had told him I wanted to be that beautiful when I grew up; he had told me I already was. On the back was only her name in my father's handing writing… _my Ritsuko_. It was too much. My limit was reached, and I placed all the photos face down beside me. That my mother and I could not be close, I'd accepted long ago, but his letter was something I did not know if I could ever reconcile with my own beliefs. He may have made some peace with what I was, but I was still very much torn. Scooping up some still heated ash onto my dirtied finger, I lifted it to the air letting a breeze that crept through the open courtyard carry it as far as it wanted. Earth, fire, and air twirling in front of me, water falling from my eyes. I imagined I could float away with them and sat there for some unmeasurable stretch of time thinking on his letter again…ignoring the tears that came. It was so far from the things I believed. It called into question so many assumptions, so many foundational thoughts. _His letter_. I did not know what to make of it, not at this point in my story.

When my insides settled somewhat, I took everything back inside and washed my hands and the bowl. I put his picture on the mantle, letter behind it. Seeing it there was difficult, but I left it nonetheless.

As I stood there watching the folded pieces of paper, the enormous basket nearby caught my attention. I'd yet to even look through it. It had sat untouched in my living room since Haruka dropped it off and as I sorted through the items, I felt able to appreciate the gift a bit more. I would need to thank them. As I did this, the pervasive sadness that came from reading my father's thoughts enveloped me. Perhaps that was to be expected given what had occurred. I did not know what I should be feeling in all of this, what was correct to feel. His words swirled inside me, unpinning and re-pinning my feelings, an emotional gamut run in a loop. I glanced at the clock. It would likely be hours until Natsuki came and it was late afternoon now. That was another situation in which I could not be sure what was right.

To ease my mind, I went about the tedious task of procuring a new phone, which sadly required me to leave the house. I had not done so in days for anything other than attending those interviews. It was possible it would be good for me even if the idea was unappealing.

As I was leaving the store with a device far too fancy, I glanced at the building next door. It dawned on me that I had nothing in my home that would interest a dog, save food. This animal was quite important to her and it concerned me for the impression I would make on him. Crossing my arms, I walked into the pet shop alarmed by the sheer number of options.

"Can I help you?" A smiling young woman asked me. She looked to be about Alyssa's age, and I glanced at her name tag… ' _Akane'_.

I returned the gesture. "I am looking for a toy for a dog. It seems I've found them, but there are more options than I might have anticipated."

"Oh yeah. We have lots. What does your dog like?" I noticed out of the corner of my eye a young man with brown hair peering from one of the aisles, leaning heavily on the push-broom in his grasp. His eyes were fixed on the young woman's backside.

"I'm afraid he is not my dog, which makes it more difficult I think. It is a gift."

"Hmm. What size dog does your friend have?"

I tried to recall the picture of him. There was nothing for scale within it. I'd seen dogs like him before and I did not think they were large. "I am not certain, little to medium perhaps?"

"Well, getting ones with a lot of squeakers is usually good! It takes them longer to get them all out." Squeakers… perhaps that would not be the soundest decision. It was not that I would mind so much, but if Natsuki and I were to talk it might prove distracting.

"Are there any without? Or will that be too disappointing for him, I wonder?" I placed a finger at my chin.

She gave me a shy look, as though she was not sure whether I was serious in my deliberations. It was a look I was accustomed to receiving by now, a look that I enjoyed. "Hmm. It doesn't have to squeak. It could have long arms or a tail. Dogs like to toss them around a bit. I'm sure he'd like something like that too."

The young woman leaned over, tapping at the toys and the boy stumbled off his broom. The commotion startled her, and she glanced over her shoulder. He was clearly embarrassed and when their eyes met briefly, he shuffled off down the aisle leaving a blush on her cheeks and a rather obvious smile on her lips.

They were a welcome distraction from my own issues; amusing and adorable at the same time. Their simple teenage exchange made my own romantic concerns seem over-inflated somewhat and I considered if such things could really be as easy as they appeared in this moment. Could a relationship between two women ever carry that type of simplicity? Such innocence of feeling or was it tainted to begin with? There were those who thought so, I believed it myself to some degree because I'd been told it was so. There was a part of me that longed for such uncomplicated feeling, to experience such normalcy in my affections. If my father was correct in any of what he'd said within his letter… would it mean that what I felt was really not that distant from what I saw in them? And I was putting the cart before the horse so to speak. Natsuki and I had not even discussed what occurred between us. I needed to seriously consider what I was doing in this. Her claiming to want it as well, it changed things, complicated them. My father's words, my own internal conflicts, my past, they changed things, complicated them. There was no un-complicating my situation, yet I could not help the thought that this would all be easier with her arms around me.

As I forced these thoughts back, I glanced around, and something finally caught my attention. A large furry purple squid, the idea of it amused me. The creature was fairly realistic, long tentacles hanging, and slightly weighted. They reminded me of the snake my father had mentioned in his letter. I pressed its body and no sound came.

"Such as this?"

She nodded happily. "Mm-hmm. It's cute! I think he'd love that."

"Yes, I think so too." I wondered if Natsuki would think it strange I purchased a toy for her dog. It seemed the right way to greet him.

"Is there anything else you need help with?" The girl asked. I could tell she was anxious to go find that boy.

"No, no. You've been very helpful, ookini." She smiled and nodded, pleased by the comment. It was sweet really.

"Sure!" It was said with excitement. I watched from the register, feeling unexpectedly happy for them as she scurried down the aisle after him.

As I climbed back into my car, I sent Natsuki a text to let her know I'd gotten a phone. Thankfully, I'd had the wherewithal to back up my contacts before this. I hit 'send', struggling to stop my absurd fretting about what in the world was I going to make Natsuki for dinner. I just hoped I could hold onto this sliver of stability that had appeared. I had no idea what we would say to one another tonight, if she even intended anything by coming to see me a second time. Her lips on mine and those eyes... they seemed to imply such a thing, but still, I found it difficult to accept.

**Digression #24: Viola Ken** **  
Date: August 23rd, 2013 … a Friday**

Viola Ken sat on a floor pillow kept awake by a dream that would not leave his mind, a dream of a daughter he had not seen in 10 years. The dream raced around his thoughts, making them trip and knot. In front of him sat a small table with a few sheets of paper lying on top. His neat penmanship carved lines on their surface. He was turning a pen around in his grip.

Ken had never been one of those men who wanted a son. All his life he had been fond of women and in return, beloved of them. Having a daughter had never been anything but a stroke of luck to him. Shizuru, as far as he could see, was the perfect child: unique, intelligent, and beautiful. She had inherited all that he valued most in himself. She was a people person, the type that people wanted to bend over backward for and she had that wicked sense of humor so common in the Viola clan. He was unprepared for what happened when she was a teenager, for her to be anything outside of faultless. Visions of her childhood flickered like a projector against his closed eyes. Back then it was unthinkable that they would ever be so thoroughly parted.

He missed her with a fierceness that gnawed at his heart and the dream would not leave his mind. Shizuru had been standing against a railing, a soft breeze blowing, a woman now with a contented smile. The wind grew stronger, and her skin began to tremble. Quite suddenly her face slid down into the churning waters and beneath it was a desolate depression so heavy that it turned the sky dark. Her mother had appeared beside her then, a new face in her hand, fastening it in place while the line marking Ritsuko's own mask pulsated, clearly visible in front of her ears and at her hairline.

The dream was much like standing atop a mountain. There had only been small realizations through the trees as he climbed and now a new vantage point and everything lay before him. The lies he told himself were illuminated in stunning fashion. Shizuru and he, they were too alike, and he was worried.

As soon as he'd pressed that pen to the paper, the words had come pouring out of him. All the niggling little doubts and thoughts swelled to a loud roar. He lifted the letter and read through it one more time.

" _My Shi-chan,_

_Perhaps it embarrasses you to be called that now that you are grown, but you will be that to me always, the little girl who did not want to be carried because she was tired, but because she felt she could touch the sky atop my shoulders. You certainly don't need me to carry you anymore, you've carried yourself so far already. I don't know that you will ever get the chance to read this, but I have written it anyway. It must be said, that I knew from the time you were little, when you used to come with me to the river while I fished...the things you would say...the way that you thought... that life would be different for you. Do you remember Kiyohime? How upset your mother was when you asked to keep her? How we stayed up late to catch crickets and you were so brave dropping them into the tank?_

_I think of all these things now, Shi-chan. They come back in flashes. My little girl who loved to visit temples and liked folklore more than children's books. I have read all of your letters and it has been such a comfort to imagine my girl has escaped the trap of an ordinary life. I could go on about the child you're having, or the nearly inexhaustible list of expectations I have for your husband, but I want this letter to be ours._

_In the spirit of that, I will be honest with you. I know that none of it is true Shi-chan, that the comfort is a lie, and that you are not in some village saving children in Africa or whatever other cleverness your mother has devised. I know that you may not even be aware of the world your mother has made for you. Do not hate her, she does not know what else to do. It is what she was taught. You know as well as I do it is her way, to package everything neatly._

_I do know why you left and I wish you felt that you could have come to me. I also know why you did not. I would not have approved, I cannot argue that point. The idea of it, it is not what I want for you. There are ways of thinking, beliefs that are difficult for me to reconcile with the choices you made. These things still wrestle inside me when I think of you in that way. There is ignominy in the fact that even now, with all I understand I cannot fully cast them aside. Perhaps I allowed you to go because I hoped you would change your mind about it, that you would come back on the arm of some handsome young man. I thought you needed to be alone, needed time to realize, but from where I stand now, I see that was another lie I wanted to believe because it was easier than the truth. The truth, Shi-chan, is that I lost you over it and this gives me pause more than anything else. You and I, we are so alike. I cannot imagine you've changed enough that it is no longer true. We were always so close and that is gone now. It took me an unacceptably long amount of time to understand that it was not your choices keeping us apart, but the shame you felt for them._

_I have looked for you, but I waited too long, let your trail grow cold. Kanin-na for not finding you, for letting you leave thinking that all you've given me is shame, for pushing the life I thought you should have on you. My dearest hope is that wherever you are, you've found someone who does see you the way that your mother and I refused to. You deserve to be seen. I have never been one to believe that life owed you anything, in things deserved or undeserved, but it is a right inherent to humanity, to be seen, to be recognized as you are. Do not allow what happened to rob you of such a right. It pains me to think of someone as wholly beautiful as you are, hiding yourself. When you find someone you deem worthy, allow it. Do you remember how I showed you that trick with a coin? The one where I pulled it from behind your ear? The coin is just as valuable if you hand it to a person directly. That is the thing I should have made sure you understood._

_Writing this, I feel as though I am writing a speech. It is difficult to determine the best things to say. We both would worry about saying it best, wouldn't we? It would have to be the best, witty, and well-timed, or why bother? I bother now because wit and timing do not alter the core of things. Wit and timing are merely decoration._

_I had a dream about you hours ago that troubles me, Shi-chan. It was a dream that necessitated my writing to you if only to get my thoughts down somewhere so that they remain when I no longer do. I am sick. I am dying actually, though your mother refuses to believe it. I will say to you now what I should have when all of this happened. As much as your mother tried to shield me from it, people talk, and that sort of thing gets around. Whatever may have been said to you, whatever you heard, please know this: there was one thing that should have been said to you by me. It was not your fault. Knowing you as I do, you won't believe that to be true. There is a distinction that exists between fault and responsibility though. Fault is such a definite concept, such a verdict. Life is often more complex than fault. We do things we are not proud of, sometimes they spiral out of control. We all do regrettable things to one another, hurt one another. Often it is without meaning to, sometimes it is on purpose. There are things which we rationalize and justify in the moment and then when we are not so close, if we are honest enough with ourselves, we see them for what they are. That seeing, Shi-chan, it is so very painful, is it not? To know how deeply we can disappoint ourselves, how weak we can be when our motives are laid bare. I am not asking you to forget what happened, but only to understand that whatever else you did, you most assuredly did not mean for that young woman's death._

_It frightens me to imagine that you would take it all on yourself, that you would take that girl's choice and make it your own. It frightens me because I know in my heart that is exactly what you did with it and that you spoke to no one about it, perhaps even now it is still a secret? That is my failing, Shizuru and I take that on myself. You were eighteen and you could not have known. Such a situation is outside of anyone's ability to handle, let alone a teenager because death in any form cannot be made right or wrong. It is part of a slew of experiences, like love perhaps? Those things are outside of such descriptions._

_This is the messiness of life. We must learn over and over again that when we thought we knew, when we thought we could handle it, we knew nothing and we could not. At times it is impossible to separate the things we want, the things we do, and the things we should. They break into pieces and reform together, all of it tangled and we must be able to pick up and forgive ourselves as we forgive others. There are no words to express to you how much I regret not telling you that._

_You are one of those people who can be anything you want to be. I knew it from the first time I took you walking in the woods. It is both a blessing and a curse because you can also be anything anyone else wants you to be. Every person is an animal, I said that to you once. It is true, and just as with animals, there are people who cannot bear confinement or restriction, who are destroyed by it. We are that kind of creature, aren't we? The pressure we put on you, the expectations… do you already understand what I am saying? What of the things you want for yourself Shi-chan? The things that are yours alone? Do you know what they are or did we steal them from you before you had a chance to see them? What in life is yours because you wanted it? I should not have let your mother control you so tightly, so completely, but I did and that was my mistake. I let her pass the scars of her own life to you when I knew they existed and that she could not be rid of them. I did not protect you both from that and you are right to be angry with me over it._

_Was it too much for you to meet every expectation we set for you? Because you did meet them, all except one, except marrying a fine young man and making a family. I can see now, that it went against what you felt and I fear that you took that and made it into a failing on your part when it was not. It is not. I know this to be true, despite any other feelings I may have._

_I suppose all of this is to admit finally that your father is a fool, Shi-chan. He is a fool because he taught you something you should never have been taught and he was more the fool because he did not see that he was doing so. He let you learn to be ashamed of the things you want. He let you learn to constrain yourself to the point of bursting and call that unavoidable release a failure of self-control. A person such as yourself, a creature of passion, cannot live that way. The expression of real emotion cannot be made only at breaking point. Has it already driven you to apathy? To refuse to feel is no better than to hide what you feel. I should have taken you in my arms and confessed all of this to you so long ago. We hold our cards close to our chests, don't we? I see the error in it now._

_I should have looked you in the eyes that I gave you and told you that I was wrong, both your mother and I were wrong. I hope that I am wrong again now, that you are already happy somewhere with someone who loves every bit of you. There is so much I wanted to say to you that was said not enough or not at all, but the most important of which is how wonderful you are. I am not speaking of Shizuru the perfect student, or Shizuru the talented pianist, or Shizuru the proper young lady, or Shizuru the doctor (knowing you as I do, I'm sure at least that much is true). I am speaking of Shi-chan…my daughter... my snake catcher. I wish that I could have just one more of your superlative hugs. That I had any part in creating you, know that it is a point of pride._

_I still cannot color inside the lines. Your father is no artist and it is strange to think I could make someone so beautiful._

_I do not send my love, because you have it already and always,_

_Papa"_

Quietly he raised the letter, folding it and tucking it inside an envelope, his heart heavy. It was not exactly what he meant to say, but it was as close as he could manage.

"What are you doing up?" His wife asked from the hallway. He watched her, surprised by his feelings about her. There was a part of him that was angry, but most of his disappointment was directed inward. What had happened, he'd allowed it. All else aside, he did truly love his wife. He'd loved her since he first saw her, pursued her like a man possessed and to some degree he was. He loved her seriousness, her mind, the way her lips pursed when he flirted because it amused her even if she didn't wish for him to know it.

"Nothing really. I needed to jot something down before I forgot."

"At 3:37 in the morning?"

"There is no better time, I think. Several lucky numbers."

She gave him the look she often did when she thought he was being absurd. "Only you would speak of luck at such an hour. What was so important that it could not wait until the morning, Ken?"

"A letter."

She sat elegantly beside him, perfect posture, not one hair out of place. He once believed she did not ever move in her sleep, but he'd discovered her secret. The woman snuck off to the bathroom to fix herself before anyone could wake and see. Each morning he'd woken beside her, seen a bit of disarray in those gorgeous dark strands was a treasure to him. Imperfection somehow made her even more perfect. "To whom?"

"Shizuru." Her face became stony. "Why so troubled Ritsuko?"

Stoniness softening as her deep brown eyes glanced at his. "You know she cannot receive letters. There is no place to send them. It seems like an exercise in frivolity when you could be resting."

"It is for her inheritance." He commented. It was something of an obsession for him. It started nearly a year and a half ago when he was first diagnosed.

Her hands folded in front of her tightening just as they did whenever she spoke to her own mother. Three generations now of women who were disconnected from one another, such an unfortunate thing, he thought.

"Her inheritance." She sighed. It was a matter they'd discussed already and still, he kept adding to it. Ritsuko was not fond of the topic and often avoided it, perhaps because their daughter was at the center of it. "What sense does it make for her to have one? Will you have the items shipped to Africa, Ken?"

"I would prefer they be airdropped by helicopter. It is more reliable." He nodded to himself.

She blinked slowly. "How is it that you can still be so ridiculous?"

"A seaplane perhaps, land on some local lake? That would be spectacular."

A measured breath, controlling herself, always such control. He wondered how she never ran out, where she made it from and how she'd taught Shizuru to manufacture it at will. He should not have allowed it. Not after all he saw between Ritsuko and her own mother. So many instances jumped out at him, the back-handed compliments, the ones that cut his wife down and always said when it was assumed he could not hear. Always subtle attacks on her value as a woman, a daughter, a mother. To his face, there was always praise even though he knew they did not approve of his lack of pure heritage, his crazy Italian father and his rebellious mother, their financial recklessness.

They had not approved of him and Ritsuko having a girl either. They'd wanted a grandson. His wife was the oldest of three. The two others were both boys and she was the least important to her parents. He resented that she knew it. He could not understand their thinking in either case. Shizuru was a miracle and it was also a miracle that Ritsuko kept trying. A baby after two miscarriages. It was the only time his wife had ever shed a tear in front of him, the third time they found out they were pregnant. Not tears of joy or sadness, tears born of fear. He had heard her mother's first words. That hopefully, it was a boy this time so that at least the other two she'd lost would be worth it. He'd walked into that room and asked to be alone with his wife, asked her mother to leave congenially but in no uncertain terms. He had passed hands over her stomach and told her how happy he was, but she was unreachable at that moment. The things people could say to one another astonished him sometimes, the cruelty that seemed to amplify in close relationships. It had only worsened after Shizuru's birth, the complications that necessitated an emergency hysterectomy. It was like another death to her, the idea of having a boy lost completely. He could only imagine the things her mother must have said when he was not there to overhear. He tried to keep them apart. Ritsuko had insisted that their daughter not know of any it. She considered it a personal failing and he could not dissuade her of that.

Their families were so diametrically opposed. His own that was so free with their love and the expression of it, full of feelings and whimsical, impossible aspirations that were thoroughly indulged. His parents bred a son with unquenchable silliness, a love of love, and a desire for the money they never had. She grew up being nothing more than an extension of her family, a performer whose purpose was to bring them honor and present herself respectably. An agent of the Yoshida name and she now considered herself an agent of his own name, as though she were a slave to it even though he required no such thing. Unconditional love was not a part of her childhood equation. Love was secondary to good performance, to living life in accordance with her parents' wishes.

He met her at a tea ceremony and knew nothing of her family at the time, had not known that he would cause her such problems with her parents. He only knew that she was serving, and he was captivated. He chased her all over Kyoto, professing undying affection for this woman who held her emotions so tightly… learning her likes, dislikes… interests which he could not know were more her parents than her own. She had told him once she'd never met a man so persistent… but it worked. His parents were amazed he managed to find such a proper young lady given his own wildness. He still to this day wondered how she allowed herself to be with him despite her parents' wishes when she did all else for the sake of their name. He'd asked and she'd said that it was clear she'd never be rid of him. Ken was sure she meant to say she loved him as well, her eyes had said it at least. She was devoted certainly, looked after him exceptionally well as he began his quest to acquire the wealth and status his own mother and father cared nothing for. He had intended to whisk Ritsuko away, to build a fortune for the both of them, and live happily. Ritsuko would be his queen and their beautiful children his princesses and princes. It would be a perfect life that no one, including her parents, could question. Such incredible idealism he had back then...

It was a challenge and he enjoyed a good challenge. He found he had a talent for sales, rose through the ranks of the companies at which he worked easily. His charm helped, but sometimes he felt as though it sent women the wrong message. None had his attention the way Ritsuko did, gripped his mind and heart, and refused to release them. None of them could compare. His wife garnered her share of interest as well, was incredibly skilled at entertaining his clients. She was smiles on command, compliments, and attentiveness… polite to a fault... and strikingly gorgeous. He found himself basking in their envy, always considered himself lucky to have her. She threw herself into his dream of status, of having what his upbringing would predict he could not, was more devoted to it than he was. They had accomplished so much together. They should have fixed this together, but it was too late now.

"All this talk of inheritance is foolish." His wife admonished, taking him from his thoughts.

He gazed out the window, thinking again on his lost daughter. How far away was she? Close enough to see the same night sky or was she gazing at a different end of the planet entirely? "It is not uncommon when one learns the end is near Ritsuko."

"So dramatic. You are going to be fine." Her face smoothed as she said it. "Honestly." She had not been able to accept in the slightest the idea that his cancer was terminal. "Do you have to keep shaving your head?"

"There are some that enjoy a bony man with a well-shined head I think." He gave her his most charming smile. It was the thing in this that bothered him most, the loss of his strength, his naturally athletic build. So, he made light of it.

She lifted an eyebrow at him. "Come to bed. No more of this."

This was a time for seriousness, he realized. "Ritsuko, I must ask you to promise me that you'll see Shizuru gets these things."

She shook her head at him. "I will do no such thing because this is not something that needs to be discussed for years. It is too soon."

"I am asking you. Let us speak only from the perspective of an unforeseen accident."

Her eyes were hardening, this was affecting her. "That is no better a thing to discuss. Please, let's go to bed."

"I'm afraid I must insist. The letter, the car, the espresso machine, and my weapons."

Her eyes widened and he enjoyed the unguarded surprise. "That car?"

He nodded. "Yes."

Calmness collected. "Why in the world…"

"And perhaps your family's Naginata. It is time to pass it down, don't you think?" His wife still practiced with it from time to time, but she had several. The one of which he spoke had been in her family for generations. Her mother had threatened to take it back when she agreed to marry him. He'd remedied the situation by forcing her mother into an in-depth conversation on its history, by remarking upon how skilled Ritsuko was with it and how wonderful it would look in their new home. Politeness now dictated her mother leave it with them, politeness bound them both.

There was a fire consuming the calm in her dark-brown eyes and he'd not seen that in some time. Part of him wondered if she would finally reveal the lie. He would not reveal that he knew because he was already past his allotted time, and selfish as it was, he did not wish to die alone, without the woman he'd loved for coming close to forty years. Despite her faults, despite his, they belonged to each other. The fire in her gaze was extinguished, erased in a moment and a blank expression took her face.

"It is too soon for that as well."

"She will be 33. You received it much younger than that, did you not?" He had to push because she needed to think of it. Perhaps she'd never come around and if she could not, he didn't wish for her to hurt Shizuru any further. He understood her mindset was possibly unyielding as concerned such things. There was right for the family and there was dishonorable...and there might never be any changing that. As far as his wife was concerned what had happened was the only option. As far as his wife and her entire family would be concerned, Shizuru had brought this on herself. Whether or not Ritsuko missed her, whether or not she loved her was outside of that. She'd created an illusion to explain her disappearance, to hold up his family name from any perceived dishonor. He'd been scheming to find some way to make an ending that was not Ritsuko and Shizuru disconnected for the rest of their lives in the wake of his death, but he could not find a how. It had taken him too many years to even understand what had truly occurred, little clues leading to a truth that broke his heart. He was not able to accept Shizuru either even with how deeply he loved her. Not at first, that had taken years as well. His time had escaped him. How could he fault his wife and not himself? He wished he'd done better by both of them, found a way to take charge before it ever became... _this._

It really was quite a situation they'd created. A sticky, solution-less situation and he just wanted to see his daughter once before it was all over. He sighed because that did not look to be possible. His ideals had become muddled. So much of what had happened, so much of his wife's reaction was something he already knew of her. He would not abandon her for something he knew was there and in his blindness, let happen. It would not be just. It would be the same thing they had done to their daughter whether actively or passively. It was not something that should be done to anyone. Perhaps a part of it was selfishness as well. The letter would have to do what he could not.

"Ken, I cannot discuss this." He was surprised to see a flash of genuine emotion breaking through. Incredibly unusual.

Ritsuko would be alone too, he realized, and alone with parents such as hers, in a time such as that. Even if Shizuru were here, they did not know each other as he hoped they would. Their daughter could not help Ritsuko when the illusion she'd made concerning the severity of his illness was shattered...when he died. No one would be there to support his beloved wife and she would take his loss deep into herself as she did with anything that hurt her. It was so painful to think of and know there would be nothing he could do for her, no piece of him left. He was so worried about both of them. He'd seen many mothers and daughters who were inseparably close, thought it would just happen. To some degree, back then he believed Ritsuko should be the one to teach Shizuru. It seemed natural to him, a mother and daughter...but looking back his mistakes were crystal clear. Retrospectively the pieces of a puzzle fit differently than he had assumed they would. He knew them both far better than they knew each other and that saddened him. It saddened him that they had never been close, that his wife had never been close with anyone at all except for him. All of her friends were surface, decorations for the perfect world she'd been expected to maintain, the world she'd passed on to their daughter. Reflecting on this, he understood that there was a great deal of her mother inside Shizuru as well.

They had accidentally given their child some impossible combination of themselves. Their most contradictory traits housed in one vessel.

"But it should be discussed because she is our _only_ child." He insisted.

"I realize that." He did not want her to take that as her mother would have meant it, as a failure on her part. Why was it, he wondered, that wounds stayed so much longer than compliments?

"And she is the most perfect one I can imagine given to me by a woman who I continue to try and make myself worthy of." A light color rose on her neck, he loved that. "But I must insist that you promise me. Your word as my wife Ritsuko. I do not ask you for such things often, but as your husband, this is my request and I shall ask it be honored. Those five things and you must not open the letter, it is for her. I cannot rest until I have your word." He knew that if it were given in that context, she would honor it because it was proper.

She was silent for some time. "As my husband, you have it, Ken, but as your wife, I ask that we discuss this silliness no further."

"Ookini. That is a relief, I will admit."

A stiff look. "I'm pleased that you are now unburdened. Will you not come to bed then?"

He gave her a happy, bright smile, deliberately exaggerated. "An invitation such as that from the beautiful Ritsuko? I could not possibly refuse such an offer."

There was a purse of lips. "You truly are an absurd man." She surprised him with a kiss. He smiled at her and she stared at him reaching out with uncharacteristic hesitance to touch his head. Her fingers nearly twitched and withdrew as if stung by the smoothness, her posture rigid, eyes blinking rapidly... she was shaken. The woman stood and he caught her hand, his much larger one surrounding hers.

"Come to bed Ken." It was more of a request and this time he obeyed.

**Aside #24: The Snake Catcher** _(Memory)_

"Shi-chan? What have you got there?" A tall man with brown hair, the ends of which fell to his eyes stepped across moss-slick rocks. The day's catch and a fishing rod were held in his grip.

The young girl was watching, transfixed as a greenish-brown serpent the width of her fingers wound itself around her wrist and forearm. Her opposite hand, held a skirt, keeping it above the damp ground beneath her while she balanced in her purple rubber boots. "I found a snake, papa."

"So, you did! Where was he?"

"In that tree!" She pointed to lush branches that hung low.

"Snakes are wonderful luck." He remarked cheerfully. Smiling brightly at him, she hopped from rock to rock gracefully, carefully, still keeping her skirt out of mess's way. "You should consider yourself very fortunate, Shi-chan."

"How do you know it's a boy snake?"

"You do have an eye for these things. It is probably a female. She is a lovely little thing after all, don't you think? What will call her?"

The child tapped her lips in thought. "Kiyohime."

"Ah, that is your most favorite story, isn't it? An excellent name."

"Why is it that snakes have no feet?" She asked.

"I'm not certain."

"Do you think that it is because they'd get caught in the branches, papa?"

"Hmm, what an interesting thought."

"Is it true?"

A mischievous look came to his eyes. "It is certainly possible or perhaps they do have feet and merely take them off. It could be that they hide them inside the holes they call their homes with their shoes. Though I cannot be certain because I have never seen a snake wearing its feet. What do you think?"

"That's silly."

"Is it? Why is that?"

"Animals don't wear shoes."

"Very true."

"Do you know what kind it is, papa?"

He peered at the creature, pressing a finger to his chin in a pose of exaggerated consideration. "Perhaps a rat snake, a young one to be sure, but there are plenty around. I must admit I do not know a lot about snakes, Shi-chan. It would seem this one is fond of you."

"Can I take her home?"

A look of indecision flashed on her father's face. "Your mother will not be pleased." A small pout came to her lips and she turned a saddened gaze to the water polished rocks below. "Oh, not the pout! Do not bargain so shrewdly." Sorrowful eyes lifted and he tapped her nose lightly. "Alright, but we must agree that you'll be brave and feed her."

She brought a small finger to her lips, thinking. "What would she like to eat?"

"Snakes eat other creatures. Crickets would do for now, perhaps a small frog, but once she grows you will need to feed her mice… to drop them into the cage while they are alive, so that she may hunt them. She will eat them whole."

A pronounced, slightly surprised frown crossed the girl's face. She stared at the creature as it extended its neck. "Ikezu."

"She isn't. You mustn't think like that. It is her nature, and no one can help that, can they?" He gave her a bright smile.

A shake of a small head and the beginnings of a smile, a perfect match to his, answered the man. "It is not her fault, then."

"No, it is the way snakes are built just as we are built to eat these fish." He held up the group of three keepers he'd strung together for the journey home.

The child stared at the reptile as its tiny pink tongue darted from a mouth with no lips. "She has pretty eyes."

"They are different, aren't they? I must say I prefer yours though, my beautiful Shizuru. Hold onto her, alright? Do not let her get inside my boot, she might try to steal my foot. Then, I would drop our prizes." He lifted the fish for emphasis.

The little girl laughed. "I won't."

"Do you promise? Your mother would probably make me sleep outside and it is supposed to rain tonight."

A bigger smile. "I promise. I'll hold onto her tight papa."

"Shall we head home then? Perhaps if we tell her soon, your mother will have forgotten her anger by dinnertime. It is something to hope for."

"Snakes are good luck you said."

"Quite right, very clever. Kiyohime should be at her most charming then. You'll tell her, won't you?"

"I'll tell her."

"Good girl." Together they trekked through the brush in the direction from which they'd come. As they neared their house, they waved at the women on their street gathering vegetables in their gardens with matching smiles and laughing eyes. Their greetings were enthusiastically returned, and they walked through the door with fish, a snake, and two newly acquired radishes.

Only two of those were well received by Shizuru's mother.


	25. Conversations, Saeko, and What to Wear

**Narrative #25: Conversations and Contradictions**   
**Date: March 7** **th** **, 2014 … a Friday**

"This must be Duran." I watched the timid creature hiding behind his master, peering at me from behind shapely legs as she removed her boots. She looked as if she intended to divest herself of her socks as well, but stopped herself, likely out of respect. I wondered if she went barefoot in her own home. She had done so outside on the slab behind the hospital, hadn't she? That was unusual in itself.

"Duran. Come on."

"I am sure, when he's ready, he will come to say hello."

She rested a hand on the back of her neck before glancing at me rather shyly. It made my heart throb. "Hey." It was said quiet and low, with a twitch of a smile.

I realized she was excited to see me even though it had been less than a day. It was a softness that blanketed my mind despite how improbable it seemed. "You were able to get some sleep I hope?"

She shrugged. "A nap between cases." Fingers dabbed at the skin beneath her eyes. "Didn't help."

I shook my head gently. "Kanin-na." My hand found its way to her cheek and a word, an adjective settling on the tip of my tongue before I remembered her opinion on the particular one I wished to use. I prefaced. "It is only that I'm concerned, and though I know how much you enjoy hearing such things, you look quite beautiful Natsuki."

Her stiffening in response seemed to alarm her dog. He trotted off beneath a nearby table, tail hanging low. My hand slipped away from her face as her head followed him guiltily. "Aw, Duran. I'm sorry. It's okay, come here." Her tone, when addressing him, was softer than I'd ever heard it before. She dropped to the ground, kneeling and extending her arm. I watched as he slowly slinked up to her.

"Is he alright?" I asked, looking down at her crouched form.

"He gets nervous." Her green eyes flashed to me and she reached out her hand to take mine, bringing me down to the floor next to her. Another light flush took her as we met eyes, knelt beside one another, our bodies alarmingly close. It was something of a relief that it affected her too. "Put your hand out."

I did as she asked, breaking our gaze and he crept toward me. His fur tickled my fingers as he moved in slowly, sniffing me carefully. If he was intimidated, it did not seem wise to bring my hand on top of his head. Instead, I scratched his chest. He briefly allowed it and the very faint scent of pet shampoo wafted up. Natsuki had taken the time to give him a bath before bringing him over. For some reason that was one of the more adorable things, she'd ever done. After another moment, he retreated back to his hiding spot, having exhausted his bravery. I did not mind timid animals in the slightest. I respected their instincts.

I turned to face her and she worried an earring, glancing over at me. "That's more than most people get."

"He is sweet," I answered. "Much like his master." I wanted to kiss her so very badly, but such a thing as a kiss, in such a situation as this, required an invitation of sorts. There was no definitive label for what had occurred between us last night and that left me at a loss for what would or would not be accepted, what would or would not be wise.

We stood up together. She gave a small smile and stretched lightly. I let myself watch, just for a moment. "It smells good in here."

"I prepared some dinner for us as promised."

She pushed aside a bit of hair that had fallen in front of her face, fingers resting behind her ear. "You didn't have to Shizuru."

"Are you hungry?" I asked and her stomach answered for her. She scowled down at it. "I am pleased that I did then." Making my way toward the kitchen, I was stopped by her voice.

"What's this?" There was a short laugh and the sound was so rare that I turned to see what had caused it. She was holding the squid in her grip. It had been resting on the side table by the front door where I'd left it. Its long arms now swayed gently in front of her hips.

For some reason, I was quite suddenly embarrassed for having purchased it. "It's for your dog." Her eyebrows drew together. "I had nothing suitable for him here." My own shyness in this was confounding to me. I was left with the sensation of feeling more myself than I ever had and yet not at all myself.

Her hands pressed into the body and she looked at me questioningly. "You bought him a toy." That intense stare, my heart was speeding. She crouched back down and placed it by the side table under which he was hidden. After a quick sniff, he bit a single tentacle and pulled the toy in with him. At least I'd made a good choice as far as he was concerned. Maybe she thought so too. The look on her face seemed to suggest it at least. A hand to the back of her neck again and her eyes met mine from over her forearm. "Thanks."

"Truly, it is nothing Natsuki, but you are welcome." I felt slightly foolish for the swell of happiness that rose in my chest because I'd pleased her.

"Are _you_ hungry?" She asked, standing up and moving back over toward me where I still stood by my front hall.

I smiled and lied. "Perhaps a little." I had not eaten anything besides the few bites of food from Mai-han's bento. My appetite had suffered greatly over the past week. It had yet to fully recover and I planned to take a small amount of what I'd made, pretend to eat it.

She began unzipping her coat and I stepped up next to her, helped her with it, slid it from her shoulders. My actions seemed to catch her off guard. She watched as I hung it up in the closet, her face unreadable. Again we were facing one another, no words exchanged, yet so much between us. I could not help but notice her with the jacket gone. She looked quite tempting in a pair of tight jeans and a button-up shirt, sleeves rolled to her elbows. The lightweight material fell against her in the most pleasant ways as she moved. Her hair was in a single braid and her makeup was subtle. She was such a breathtakingly gorgeous woman.

It took me a moment to refocus, the depression that had held me all day beginning to dissipate. "Would you like it now?"

"Sure." She said around a nod, and I smiled before I led her into my kitchen. Her eyes were busy, moving side to side and taking in her surroundings. "I've never seen a house like this, Shizuru."

"It is interesting, is it not?" The design was certainly different.

She nodded as her eyes darted around and then settled on my counter. "You made all that?"

"I thought it was best to have options." I was self-conscious about my cooking because, for years now, I had only ever cooked for myself. That I knew her tastes were fairly refined only added to my discomfort.

"You really didn't have to." She was clearly serious, but her gaze and her stomach betrayed her in tandem. Sparkling green observed as I made her a plate, so noticeably excited and impatient that I nearly laughed. She truly seemed to enjoy her food, more so than most people I would say, though her body demonstrated none of it.

"It is the least I can do." I took the smaller serving I had allotted myself and we sat on the cushions next to a round wooden table left by the previous owner.

Natsuki ate at her usual slow, happy pace and I was content to pick at my food, basking in her enjoyment. I found that her pleasure in the meal augmented mine. Bits of conversation came from her now and then, usually in response to things I would say, but mostly an almost meditative appreciation of the food. Her dog watched us from beneath the table, holding the new toy protectively in his mouth. He had rather human-looking eyes, bits of white showing as they shifted between Natsuki and me.

Sometime later the two of us were reclining side by side in the nook, our hips brushing and I could feel her warmth. Her legs were stretched out, mine tucked to the side. When we first relocated, Duran had followed us, a paw upon the edge of the bench. She'd looked to me for approval, which I gave. When she patted the upholstery he hopped up, dragging the purple stuffed toy with him to the corner. He now lay curled in a ball as far away from me as he could be, toy stored beneath him, tentacles protruding from beneath his chin like some strange beard. The scene was difficult not to smile at.

Natsuki seemed to be quietly building up to saying something. I did not know what, but it was making me rather anxious. We still had yet to speak of anything more than pleasantries, than the events of her day. Against the prickling anticipation I felt, I fixed a contented smile as though we were two friends sharing an evening. That was no longer the truth though. We were something unnamed, something that lay between friends and lovers, and it had yet to be decided which direction we would go. She was rubbing her feet against one another, fidgeting.

"You can take off your socks if you wish to," I remarked. She gave me a strange look. "Your feet seem unhappy."

With a gentle eye roll, she reached down and she slipped them off. Pale feet appeared with perfect little toes wiggling. They were small and feminine and clean, like her hands. I could recall her saying her feet liked to breathe. I contemplated whether the dancing of her digits was part of that process. She seemed somewhat less agitated now in any case.

"Shizuru,"

"Yes?"

Grabbing the pillow she had kneaded the night before, she placed it behind her back. "I wanna understand some things."

I was unsure of this. "What is it you wish to understand?"

"You said you weren't okay last night." Lifting her head, she gazed at me before letting out a breath. "Was that me?"

I closed my eyes, letting my smile fall. At that moment, a piece of the letter came to my mind. I knew that I would need to attempt a conversation with her. No pretenses, no lies, no half-truths, no omissions to disguise what I felt.

"What happened between us, Natsuki...it was not just that." This would not be easy for me nor did I anticipate it would be enjoyable, but to know whether or not this could ever work if I should permit myself a second chance at such a thing. There was a part of me that recognized the necessity of the coming conversation. "There are many things." The addition tumbled out quietly, almost accidentally.

She nodded slowly and I glanced at what remained of the bruise on her eye. It became apparent she noticed my attention. "Marguerite." There was obvious animosity in the name and I knew that anything I told her of what occurred would only add to it. I'd resolved to be truthful though.

"That is part of it, yes." As I glanced her way, it was clear to me she was waiting for me to continue. "She came here a few days ago."

Her eyes widened. "She came here?"

I took a few seconds to consider my decision for full disclosure, but in the end, I continued. "Yes."

She was visibly upset by the revelation. "How does she know where you live?"

"I do not know. I decided to speak with her after what occurred between the two of you." I could not decide how much to say. "She was not overly receptive."

Her lip twitched and I could see she was fighting to stay calm. Agitation made her change position, cross her legs instead…lean forward. "What does that mean?"

I felt myself began to retreat in the face of the changing atmosphere. It felt too crisp, too sharp. "Perhaps we should not talk about this."

She stared at me and it was with reluctance that I returned the look. "You didn't talk to her by yourself Shizuru." Her eyes told me it was a question.

"It was foolish I suppose, but when I found out she hurt you. I was not thinking clearly." My hands folded because her diminishing composure made it difficult for me to hold on to what composure I had gathered over the course of the day. "I find that is often the case where you are concerned."

She colored slightly. A slow blink, and a deep breath. "Did she hurt you?"

"Not really. Our conversation was stopped before anything truly happened."

Her forehead wrinkled and she frowned. "How?"

"Do you know of Smith Consulting?"

Green eyes narrowed as her head tilted. "Smith?! What do they have to do with any of this?"

"They came and she left with them. Smith-han spoke with me after."

She seemed deeply uneasy and I wondered what she knew of the man. "Why?"

"Legal issues concerning my involvement with HiME." A question painted itself across her face. "And he asked that I agree not to press charges against Marguerite. He ensured me Marguerite would not be allowed near you or myself if I made that promise. He was concerned it would bring more unwanted attention to the hospital. It was implied there was another client of theirs that had some interest in keeping Marguerite away from you as well… if you can make sense of that."

Her eyes closed and her head dipped. "Alyssa." She murmured.

"Smith Consulting is employed by your younger sister?" That was even more confusing to me than not knowing why.

"Not exactly." There was such a fire in her eyes when they opened. "What does 'not really' mean? Did she touch you?" It was clear what she intended with the question.

"Not in the way that you are likely thinking." I watched her for a moment, shaking my head. "We spoke to each other. She became upset, forced her case to some degree."

"Forced?!" _So angry._ I placed my hand on her arm.

I could not directly lie to her and she caught my hesitation, eyed me warily the entire time I spoke. "She grabbed at my wrists, held them, and attempted to kiss me." It was true in the strictest sense, but I understood that I was downplaying what had transpired and what might have been if there was no interruption. I was not ready to explain the depths to which I'd sunk that day nor what I had nearly allowed or why. I could not be sure that it would be something I'd ever share.

She dropped determined eyes, frowning, and took my hands. I watched as she rolled my sleeves, the sweater I'd worn purposefully, long cuffs to cover my wrist and upper forearm. Small yellow ovals, fingerprints made lasting by pressure… what remained of them would disappear soon. I did not mention the few on my abdomen.

"Shizuru," The way she said my name was instant heartache.

"I am afraid they are not very impressive when compared to yours." It was said lightly because thinking about that conversation, Tomoe-han's breath so close to me again, what I'd felt, the helplessness and the anger and the sinking. It was too much. "Please… it has been settled Natsuki. I believe Smith-han will uphold his end of our agreement. There is no reason for you to be troubled."

Her mouth quirked as her thumb traced them, trying to smooth them away, and I did not know what I felt. My chest was tight. She paused before speaking. "You really think that girl is like you?"

I turned my face away, ashamed. "In some ways, yes."

"What ways?"

I sighed, trying not to think too much about my last encounter with her. What she'd said, even now it struck a little too close, wrapped around my fears. It was difficult still, but I pushed out what I could.

"She mistakes what she feels towards me for love, but it is not love. It is a possessive sort of crush. She believes what she feels is what I feel. I did nothing to help the situation… let it go too far because I know what it is like to think as she does. I suppose that clouded my judgment around her, made a pact of empathy between us. It was difficult to write her off completely when I have made that same mistakes Natsuki." I was trying so hard to believe I was not making them again. Whatever I was or was not willing to accept about the morality of loving another woman, whatever my father believed to be true, there was the separate issue of my own confused and dangerous brand of affection to consider.

She was absorbed in silent contemplation for enough time to drive me to the brink of madness. "If you can see it like that now, then things changed for you."

I sighed. "That theory is as yet untested."

"Shizuru." There was a silence that lasted until she was certain she had my attention. "Reality is here and Marguerite is over there. That…" She looked at my arms once more before letting them go. "Is not you."

A bit of discomfort pricked at me and I rolled the sleeves back down. "It has been me before though. I have hurt others as well, Natsuki. Perhaps we are not exactly alike, but there are similarities that give me pause. Should they not?"

She regarded me carefully, annoyance still radiating from her like heat, disagreement clear but she did not challenge me. I wondered what she was thinking. "What did Smith want with her?"

"My understanding is that they wished to prevent any further association between us. They brought her uncle with them. It seems her family is unhappy with her choices." Not knowing what occurred after her departure, I could not be sure how closely matched our situations were in that respect.

"You haven't heard from her again."

"I have not."

A hand slid to her hair. "She should've touched you Shizuru." It was murmured quietly. I felt badly for making her feel this way. "She had no right."

"Natsuki," Still so unduly protective of me, I needed to change the subject. "That letter. It is the larger part of it."

The woman beside me was suddenly softened. The irritation drained from her. "Yeah?" It was obvious I'd surprised her.

The earnestness in her gaze made me feel cruel in keeping this from her at all. I could see she was pushing herself in saying what she had already. "It was from my father." I could see the struggle on her face as she nodded, working out which questions to ask and which not to. "He passed away, as I told you."

"Recently?"

"A few months ago. It was the day you gave me the plum. That was when I discovered he had died."

She was staring at me in disbelief. "When I saw you, did you already know?"

I squeezed my left hand with my right, feeling unusually embarrassed at my own ability to mask my emotions. "Yes."

"Were you close to him?"

"My parents and I are estranged from one another. I have not seen them in some time, years… but my father and I were quite close when I was younger." I sent her a small smile. "There were choices I made, events that occurred…the end result of which was that we could no longer be around one another."

Her brows drew together. "Was that them or you?"

"I suppose it was both of us." My father's words about what had happened came back to me. It seemed too late for the idea that anything should have been different. Still, I could feel the characters lifting from the pages he'd written, slipping beneath my guard to tear at the things I believed. I could feel myself fighting it, yet I pushed more truth out. "There was a girl that I was with in high school. She is why I can understand Marguerite-han to some degree."

"The one you hurt?"

I nodded. "Her experience with me, it was much more one-sided than I was willing to recognize at the time. I was blinded by my own feelings and because I allowed myself to indulge in them to that extent, I hurt her. Hurt is not even the word."

"So you broke her heart."

"That would have required me to have had it in the first place."

She frowned. "I don't understand."

"I thought that we belonged to one another in that way, that she belonged to me. I was wrong and I was selfish. I pushed... I... coaxed things from her that she was not ready for. It ended very poorly and the rumors began. People were very unkind to her afterward and it was largely my fault. If I had not been the way I was, such a thing would never have been associated with her. That was my doing."

"They never bothered you about it?"

"They did not. I was well-liked… popular perhaps. Certainly, people talked but she was a bit of a loner and that was seized upon. All those words that were truly meant for me, she ended up with them heaped on her. She was never really that way, merely caught up in my intensity. It was something I tried to pull from her because I wanted her to feel as I felt." There was the strangest look on her face and I was not sure that I wished to know what she was thinking. "The relentlessness of the taunts, what had transpired between us that she wished had not, because of all it, she ended up taking her own life." I was saddened by the fact it brought me no relief to say it aloud. I had no right to expect a release, a burden lifted, but the desolation, the gnawing shame of my own weakness… it was so heavy.

She was staring at me, clearly uncertain. "Whatever you did Shizuru, people still make their own choices. That was hers, not yours."

The words she was trying to comfort me with did nothing but deepen my self-loathing over the incident because I should have known, I should have understood. I should have been so much more careful than I was. I never wanted this to become something that was acceptable to me, I could not allow that. "You do not understand."

"I don't, but if you think it's your fault, neither do you." Words that so closely matched my father's...

"Natsuki,"

"Did your parents know what was going on?"

"Of the nature of my relationship with her?" She nodded. "No. Not until her death and I had thought only my mother knew, but the letter revealed that was not correct. My father found out in time as well."

"Your parents don't talk to you because of that." The idea of it did not sit well with her, that much was apparent.

"It cannot be seen so simply. You must understand that I did not deal with the situation properly. In fairness, I left my mother little choice but to estrange us."

Her head fell back against the wall behind her. "What the hell qualifies as proper in that situation?"

"I did not save face, Natsuki. My relations with her, my choice to engage in such things is a disgrace to my family…and I could not think of them as I should have. I could not fix myself. Leaving was the best option."

"That's what his letter said?"

"Actually, my father professed to believe the opposite." I could not explain to her the pain I felt reading the letter, words that pulled at emotions I shoved all the way down to my feet. A cold anger, a sense of abandonment… they were the things I would not allow myself to feel.

"And you think he's wrong."

"I," There was so many contradictory emotions inside me, having never spoken of such things with anyone I felt unprepared for the flares of emotion this was causing. "…do not know what I think."

"How were you supposed to fix yourself?"

"My parents meant for me to marry and have children, to continue my father's line. The way that I've allowed myself to be is not consistent with that desire nor is it consistent with the beliefs of my family. It makes my decisions self-serving and dishonorable." I watched as she chewed her bottom lip, staring at the opposite wall, her face so heavy with feeling that it hurt me to look at. "I did not adjust my behavior, I should have for the sake of my family, for my own pride in myself. That is how I was raised and what I meant by fixing myself."

 _Such a pointed stare._ "Shizuru,"

"This is upsetting you. I do not want it to Natsuki."

Moments passed before she spoke, voice quiet and each word sounding as though it required effort to release. "I know what it feels like, to be alone like that. You didn't have to be."

I could not look at her. "You could not have deserved it. You must have been a child at the time and I cannot imagine how difficult that was for you."

She pressed her lips together at my words, crossing her arms. "You didn't _'deserve'_ it."

"That is not something you could know."

The look she was giving me was such an odd mix of emotions. "You're so hard on yourself."

"The choices I have made caused what came to me Natsuki. It is entirely different."

She pushed her tongue against the inside of her cheek. It had been a while since I'd seen that particular gesture. "You're kinda stubborn."

I smiled humorlessly. "It is my father's blood."

"I should blame the Fujino's?"

"You could, but it would be unjust. My mother changed my name when I left." I had not said my name in so long. To hear it spoken to me by Smith-han, it was disquieting even now.

Her eyes as they met mine, were shocked and dark. "She wouldn't let you keep your name?"

"It is his name, a measure of protection for their reputation." She gripped her knees, drawing them up toward her chest. "My mother was protecting the Viola reputation."

Her eyes closed and she released her knees, gripping her sides. The emotion was in her fingers, aggravation, upset... but she was pushing it down. I wondered if it was for my sake or her own.

"She disowned you." I had never thought of it that way, not with that word, but I supposed that was true.

"I can understand her actions," I answered because even if they hurt me, I had always been able to rationally understand them, the purpose behind them.

Her gaze was searching and then fell into a completely different, wholly distracted expression. "Viola-san," She said the name quietly, with a look of confusion on her face, a confusion that I shared. "I think I met your father."

My own eyes widened. "How could that be possible?"

"During my residency. The patient I told you about in the car, Viola Ken was his name. He broke his ankle fishing." She stared at me. "You have his eyes." Her hands dropped from her sides and curled into fists. She wanted to raise her voice, I could see that much but she did not. "Where was he when any of that was happening?"

"He was there, Natsuki. My mother told him I had become a volunteer for some company that deploys medical personnel to third world countries. It was a better story. Unfortunately, it seems he was not fooled."

Her head rolled toward me. "He said he couldn't find you."

She pursed her lips and they twitched. I laid my hand on her knee softly, trying to apologize as much with my touch as my words. "Kanin-na, I do not wish to…."

"Don't say burden me." She raised her eyebrow as if daring me to challenge her on that.

I sighed, forcing a smile. "Natsuki knows me too well."

Her hand covered mine suddenly, warm and soft. "No, I don't." We sat in silence like that for some time before she spoke again. "He talked about you."

I felt on the verge of tears yet again. "Did he?" My voice was unsteady and I covered my mouth with my other hand. How could she have met my father? Such a strange weaving of the fibers of our lives…I swallowed, composing myself.

"He sounded so proud of you. I don't get it. Shizuru. It isn't right, what happened to you."

Why it troubled her to such an extent when it was something that belonged to me, something I held such responsibility in, I could not guess. "Natsuki, can you truly not understand why?"

"That doesn't make it _right_."

I had nothing to say in response, but her words produced a strange feeling of fear in me. No one had ever said that to me before. My father had written it essentially, but I had never seen the sincerity in someone's eyes, in their voice while saying these things. It shook me that she believed it so wholly, but I was able to catch myself. I did not want her to say what she was and it was difficult to understand why. Likely for the same reason, I found my father's letter unsettling. It was too far removed from the way that I thought.

"There are reasons."

"There are always reasons." She grumbled, clearly angry and it bothered me to see. _Such emotion over this._ "But that's still bullshit. Someone should have been there for you. He should have."

"It cannot be ignored how much of this belongs to me." I interrupted, a bit of defensiveness rising in me, not toward her, but for the views that were so ingrained in me. They had been battered repeatedly over the last few days and they were clawing for footing. I released our hands and stood, walked over to the mantle, a hand on its top to steady myself. I pulled the parchment pages from beside his picture. "Take this." I handed her the letter, my hand trembling slightly.

"Shizuru," She stopped, holding the folded paper on her open palms.

"Please, do not say anything more on it. You may read it, but not now. There are things he has written that are too difficult for me to explain."

She nodded, placing it to the side, unsure but willing. The two of us sat in heavy silence for sometime after. I could sense her wanting… something… I was not sure what. Perhaps for this conversation to end, perhaps for us to have never had it in the first place, or maybe those were the things that I wanted. I was frightened, frightened to imagine what she would do with knowing these things. What it would do to her perception of me, because of what it did to the things I thought of myself.

"I'm sorry." She touched my shoulder. "If I said too much or anything."

I placed a hand over hers, squeezing. "You've no reason to be." It was an intense conversation, but not one that I was angry with her for.

"Maybe we should talk about something else."

I sighed in relief. "I would like that." After a moment, I glanced her way. We had spent such a concentrated amount of time speaking about me. "Perhaps I could even get to know Natsuki a bit better?"

When she did speak again it was, of course, to say something I was not expecting. "What do you wanna know?" She said somewhat warily.

A question came to me immediately, one I had wondered about before. "Do you remember when we met?" I was slightly nervous to hear her answer.

She gave me a curious look. "On the elevator?" The fact that she mentioned the elevator made me smile. I wasn't certain she recognized me the next time she saw me.

"What was Natsuki thinking then?"

An embarrassed smirk came to her lips along with a soft puff of a laugh. "Why is she smiling at me? And why is she so close to my face? That was about it. I'm kinda scared to ask what you were thinking."

"We took the shuttle over together. You were distractingly gorgeous, even if you were ignoring me on purpose."

Eyes rolled at me as she turned a light pink. "It's not like I don't notice that you're beautiful, Shizuru. That was the first thing I noticed about you, but all I could think about was how damn small that elevator was." She had said I was beautiful in that sentence, hadn't she? It was… _oddly exciting_ …even if I'd heard it from others before, even if it was safe to assume there was some mutual physical attraction at this point, even if I still felt somewhat exposed and unhinged by tonight's earlier conversation.

"Did you know the person who chose the piano?"

Her lip curled. "My father donated it."

"You are not close with him?"

"No, Searrs is an ass." She sighed and my eyes widened. Natsuki's father was one of the Searrs'? "I don't know what happened with him and my mom, just that it was a one-time thing. He went back to England and married some model and they had Alyssa. Smith works for him too. She must have told Searrs about my eye. She was pretty upset about it and she's got him wrapped around her finger. She's the only good thing that ever came from him." Alyssa's words about her father being well known suddenly fell into context. "We get the voice from him, but she got that height from her mom." Natsuki was not a short woman, but her sister was a few inches taller and I could see that annoyed her.

"I'm sure you inherited many valuable traits from your own mother."

"I look like her." She glanced at me sidelong. It was a valuable trait indeed. "She died in a car accident up on the cliffs." It surprised me, that she would visit that place so often after what occurred there. "My dog and I were in the car. They both died… and I didn't."

I watched her, stunned by the revelation and threading our fingers. "It is something you remember then?" I commented more to myself than her, unsettled by the idea.

"Not really." She corrected quietly. "But I dream about it sometimes."

"Does Natsuki remember these dreams?"

A nod, as she looked away. "I remember most of my dreams."

That fascinated me, but now was no time to ask her what she dreamt of besides tragedy. "If I can ask, how old were you?"

"Ten." She answered, lips straightening. I would not pity her, but still, it tugged at my heart. Though I wanted to ask more, I believed it would be better if I left the subject alone.

"You must remember her well." Her eyes were distant as she nodded and I wondered what thoughts were painting themselves across her mind. I would not ask though. "Why did you not tell me what you knew of the HiME project?"

"I didn't want to get you involved."

That made me smile. "I was already involved, was I not?"

She started to say something, but then stopped and I watched her curiously. All that was clear to me was that she did not wish to speak on the subject. "I didn't think they'd ever dissolve the whole research team. If I thought…"

I touched her cheek and she stopped, staring at me with those clear eyes. "I know."

She angled herself toward me as she had on the roof. "Shizuru,"

"Hmm?" It was spoken quietly and absent of the hint of tease that usually colored it. I was fairly certain what she intended to ask and the nervousness was vibrating my entire body.

"What's going on with us?" The question terrified me and I wondered if it showed through because she began to turn one of her earrings.

"I have some concerns." She gave me a serious look. "And you do as well," I remarked, unable to stop myself from tucking that same stubborn bit of hair that fell into her eyes back behind her ear. It was not a stolen touch this time.

My eyelids slid down halfway briefly when she tentatively brushed her nose against the inside of my wrist, her face warm. It was not an unwelcome touch then either.

She sighed, her impossibly green eyes boring into mine. "Not because of you, Shizuru. It was never you." Each time she spoke like this, her honesty surprised me. Her head had been hanging down and it grabbed at my heart when her gaze returned to me. "I don't know what to say a lot of the time. I seem like I don't care even when I do. I keep thinking what if we do this and it doesn't work? The way we _are_ , would just... _end_. I don't want that to happen."

There was silence as she waited and I recognized that we were at an impasse of sorts. If I chose not to answer it would likely bolster the separation that still existed between us, but if I was truthful with myself that was not at all what I wanted, despite the fear that was a constant scrape on my skin.

"I am concerned that I am not capable of loving you in the way that you deserve, that I will hurt you." It was the most horrifying thing I could imagine and it must've shown on my face.

"Even if you did, I wouldn't ever do what that girl did." I closed my eyes, trying to collect myself. I was surprised at the flash of relief inside me. Had I really thought she'd kill herself if this did not work? It seemed so vain a thought, but perhaps it was simply a fear... a fear of being responsible for another's emotions. When I opened them hers were waiting. She was so sure of it and I nodded.

"I am also concerned that what is between us is wrong for you because there is a certain unnatural quality to how I feel for you and it might be better for you not to be involved with it."

The doubt cast by Haruka's apology, my father's letter, her acceptance of this, it was all shaking me, threatening something I had believed for so long and I found myself clinging to it even as it still brought me pain. The reality was I did not want to think so much of what I'd felt was over nothing, over lies, over antiquated belief systems. It undermined the explanations I had for things. I did not want to be the one wronged in any of it. I did not want to be angry about it, I could not endure being angry. The actions I'd allowed myself to take simply because I bought into the baseline corruption of my character would then be choices which meant my responsibility in this did not dissipate. It shifted. I was so terribly conflicted because I always was and in light of all that my father had said, my history was recast in new light and shadow. It no longer was a scene I recognized. Beneath all of that thought was a newly unearthed touch of hope that laced itself inside my chest and screamed its existence so loudly that I could not ignore it, not when she was beside me exciting it further.

She rested her head back against the wall of the nook. It rolled against the surface as it had before, toward me and her face was contorted in discomfort. Her eyes watched me, such unhappiness in their depths.

"It's not gonna matter how many times or ways you say that to me, Shizuru. It's not how I feel."

I hated that this was troubling her so much and to say such a thing to me? "Kanin-na."

"Stop apologizing." She took her hands and tucked her long bangs back behind her ears. When she spoke again it was quiet, lower than before. "Do you think this is wrong?"

Such an important, complex question. I understood it was not only my feelings involved in this bit of our conversation. To try and explain the separation in my thinking, the wall that existed between what I thought of myself and what I thought of others was daunting. To consider who and how she loved required a completely different set of morals for me because the letter had at least brought me to an understanding that the questions of morality plaguing me existed within the confines of familial honor and not my sense of ethics. I imagined no God shaking a finger at my sins, instead, I saw my mother and father shaking their heads in shame. It was nonsensical, yet felt completely rational.

"What I feel to be true and what I know to be true have always been very separate things Natsuki." Contradictory, yet it was honest. I let myself go as much as I could, allowed what I felt to fall into my eyes, my mouth. So much of what I'd said would indicate that being with her this way, spending time with her was something I regretted, felt shame over. It was true and it was not at all true, but how to explain that?

I saw a spark of anxiety flash in her averted eyes. They rolled to me and she swallowed. "What does that mean?"

"It means that when I am with you, my understanding of such things stands in opposition to how I feel. Spending time with you... those moments feel very right to me, more so than most moments in my life. I would say that they are precious even." She bit her lip as she listened, stealing a glance in my direction. "and that is what makes this all so difficult to reconcile with what my rational mind would tell me is correct."

Her toes pushed into the bench. "That you have that in your head at all, it doesn't make you angry?"

"I suppose I do not want to be mad about it." Her eyes studied me, as though my answer required some dissection. Perhaps it did, I never wanted to be mad. I avoided it as often as I could… even if I should be.

"Why?"

Because it hurts too deeply was the answer, but I had difficulty bringing myself to speak those words. "Because it is..." Her bright eyes were trained intently on me and I could not tell what she was thinking. I looked down, ashamed but willing to admit the truth of it. "When I am angry, I cannot make that emotion go away. It affects me too strongly. I do not like myself as a person when I am angry. It seems to make the situation worse." I was shocked by how ridiculous and passive it sounded when spoken aloud. _I smile and pretend it does not bother me._ That was the reality, but I am sure she understood that to some extent. "And I have not found talking about it to be particularly effective." _In most cases._

"I get that. Most people are only half-listening anyway." Those words were ones that I agreed with and right now, at this moment… I wondered if she understood what she was to me, a person who fully listened, that it was the reason I had told her anything in the first place, that she had me in a way no one else ever had.

"I feel fortunate that you keep finding me then," I spoke the words softly. "I am truly grateful." Apprehensive, I looked her way. "All of these things that I am telling you… they do not change your mind?"

"No." She answered immediately. Again, I had no response. Her face suddenly fell into an expression of obvious guilt and I felt my stomach twist. "Did they take you off suspension yet?"

"The investigation has yet to conclude, but I am not concerned about it for now."

Her whole body relaxed. "No?"

"I am finding the thought of doing anything at all besides sitting on this bench with you overwhelming. In all honesty, it has become suddenly difficult to sort out what I do and do not want."

Lips pulled to the side nervously. "Did you want that kiss last night?" She blushed. "The first one, I mean."

I let the breath I was holding leave through my nose, my eyelids and head falling at the admission I was about to make. "I consider kissing you nearly every moment that I spend with you, so yes, I very much wanted it. That I am sure about." I lifted my head to look at her before adding more. "Perhaps the only thing I can be absolutely sure of right now is that I want to kiss you again."

"Shizuru," She began to say something more but stopped. Instead, she leaned toward me, gaze careful. Instead, she pressed lips to mine...and I was instantly overwhelmed by a pressing need for her nearness.

Pulling back to look at me, it was those eyes that made me lose myself for a moment. I reached for her at the very same moment that she moved toward me. We shared a kiss, twisted to face each other, both moving closer still and as I drew her to me. She surprised me by letting me bring her onto my lap...as our mouths met again. Even with nearly no space between us, her legs wonderfully pressing on the outside of mine, I could not help but hold her to me...even if it might've been too bold. The shift in position, my bringing her against me tightly, must've startled her because she inhaled sharply into the kiss. It only lasted a moment before she passed her arm over my shoulder to the back of my neck, another sliding across my cheekbone and into my hair. As we kissed, I was struck by what I could feel coming from her, that radiating warmth made hot by our proximity. A dizzying mix of emotions swirled inside me with each press of our lips, at the subtle brushing of our bodies, at the feel of my uncorrected hand too low on her back. When we did pause, our eyes met and I saw something inside hers, something questioning. It made me loosen my grip, but she did not move.

This thing between us... all that had happened tonight, it suddenly seemed too simple. Had I pushed her? Had emotion gotten the better of us? Of me?

Green bored into me for a silent moment and I waited, quiet. "I want this." She said and I was unsettled by the tinge of panic the words I'd longed for evoked. It seemed as though she noticed, her confidence shaky as she tried to keep my eyes bravely. "Do you?"

I looked away, gathering myself. My eyelids slipped closed and I felt her beginning to stir. I did not say how frightened I was by this. My guilt and my grip on her tightened and I kissed her again. The only word I said, that I could manage was "Yes," spoken into the air between our lips.

The two of us engaged in another of the staring contests we seemed to be having tonight. I looked at her curiously. "If we're both a mess, those two cancel each other out. It has to be the same as not being worried at all." She explained as though it were pure logic.

I laughed softly, because it was one of the more absurd things anyone had ever said to me and because it was so incredibly endearing. The corner of my lips drew upward. "Is that so?" She shrugged as I took in a deep breath and released it slowly, resting my forehead against the column of her throat. "Tonight has been rather stressful, hasn't it?" I asked, my body finally decompressing, but my mind racing over the decision we'd made.

I felt her swallow and nod. "A little."

"I think we have talked enough for tonight. Perhaps for several nights," I added.

"Probably." She agreed, pulling away a bit.

My disappointment faded when I noticed the goosebumps on her nape, that had arisen along the path my breath had taken. As I looked at her slightly surprised face, the more subtle indications of exhaustion began to jump out at me, the yellows and browns that still lingered around her eye, all of which stopped the tease on the tip of my tongue.

"You are welcome to stay here and rest if you'd like to." I touched her face. "You must be so very tired."

"You're not?" She asked.

"I am, but you've been awake for far too long. You may rest in my bedroom." Still unsure, my hand hovered in the air for a moment before running along the shell of her ear. A tug of guilt filled me when her eyes slipped closed, almost as if it hypnotized her.

"Come with." She pressed a finger to my lips before I could answer. Her forehead wrinkled and eyelids peeled upward, as I watched in amusement. "I know how that sounds. Don't say whatever you were going to."

Nearly smirking, I nodded, placing a kiss on its tip before speaking against her finger. "Only because Natsuki asked so nicely." Eyes widened and then rolled as she climbed off of me. I missed her immediately.

We moved through the necessary evening tasks, including taking her dog outside. I was proud that I kept myself from teasing her about the fact that she'd, luckily enough, had a change of clothes in her car, which was adorably presupposing. Settling myself in the bed. I observed her as she very cautiously crawled in beside me, stopping next to me, kneeling beside my body an arm's length from my waist. Her head was turned away, shoulders tight.

Natsuki had the most unique body language of any woman I'd ever met, the dichotomy of attachment and aloofness within it confused my senses… its unpredictability… so I smiled in her direction questioningly. Her eyes dropped to the mattress and then she did, laying her head on the pillow beside mine. A hand stretched out immediately to touch my own where it rested by my chin.

I was surprised at her need for physical contact, curled my fingers loosely around her smaller hand. She had stayed so close to me tonight. I did not mind in the slightest, but it was not something I would have predicted. "What is it?"

"Nothing." She mumbled into the pillowcase as she slowly crept fingertips across my palm. I realized it was because she was nervous, but the sensation was so much like a caress.

"Something is still making Natsuki anxious I think." Was it the two of us in this bed I wondered…

"It's stupid."

"I doubt that."

"I was worried that you wouldn't be here tonight." She could not look at me, it kept coming up, her concern that I would leave...disappear. I needed to be mindful of that.

"I promised you, did I not?" I smiled at her when she raised her eyes.

"Shizuru," She drew her hand away, rolling onto her stomach and lifting her upper body onto her forearms. I felt my throat constrict at the vision she presented… so close to me, in my bed. It was not something I thought I'd ever see.

"Hmm?"

"Promise me something else."

I felt my body tense, but I gave her a smile. "Yes?"

"Tell me when something serious happens…like someone dies, or someone's stalking you, or you get suspended from your job, or all three of those happen at once."

We watched each other for a moment and I was truthful. "I will try my best."

She chewed her lip for a moment and I felt my hands twitch lightly. Quickly she leaned over me and dipped down, surprising me by stealing a brief kiss. I shook my head at her and brought her back to me, kissing her soundly, shocked when she let her body come down to brush again mine. A small sigh of a noise snuck past my throat, a noise that was answered with a tiny sound of her own. When she drew back she was a bit pink and stared down at me with wide eyes.

Tearing her gaze away, she laid herself back on the other side of the bed. Looking over at her, even with what her kisses had done to me, I could not help but feel some degree of admiration for her ability to handle the things that I was troubling her with. "You really are incredibly sweet Natsuki."

She frowned, shaking her head. "I don't know why you think that."

"I do have one more question," She looked wary and I realized she knew from my tone I was about to say something that would make her either embarrassed or uncomfortable, possibly both.

A dark eyebrow lifted distrustfully. "What?"

"Last night you implied that my voice does something to you. _'T_ _his'_ you said. What was it you meant?"

A frown took her lips and a flush took her cheeks. "You know what I meant." _Did I?_ I wondered if my mind was a little too perverse and she'd meant something different than what I would guess at.

I pretended confusion. "Would I ask if I knew?"

"Don't play games." She protested with something that almost looked like a pout and I smiled, pressing my lips to the side of her face, to her ear, which caused a delightful little shiver. When I pulled away, she blinked sleepily at me.

"I do want you to tell me if things are progressing too quickly for you."

"You want me to keep you in line." She corrected, the corner of her lips rising. It made me worried, but in quite a different way than I had been prior to this.

I gave her a feigned look of offense. My attraction to her was such a powerful force… it was likely to require some taming from the both of us if it was not to control what was between us. "If that is how you wish to phrase it, yes." I conceded.

"Not possible." A setup.

" _Ikezu."_

"What am I supposed to do Shizuru? Smack you if you get handsy?" _Handsy?_ What a word… not even a word truly…

"I do believe that I asked that you tell me. Surely violence is not required." It felt wonderful to fall into banter with her, so much more natural than the revealing, painful conversations we'd been having.

"Depends how handsy you get." Far too smug, I thought.

I drew a single finger along her jawline for effect, adopting an expression of innocence. "Perhaps Natsuki would be willing to demonstrate the upper limits of _handsy_ , if only so that I may be better prepared to resist temptation." She was sufficiently flustered and I allowed myself the guilty pleasure of her defeat.

"Idiot." I honestly enjoyed the insult. It had been some time since she'd applied it to me. Strangely enough, I missed it. She burrowed into the pillow and her dog raised his head, an obvious expression of anxiety on it. He calmed when she did not move.

"I am serious though," I whispered.

It took her a little while to answer. "I don't really do fast." Her low voice faded and melted into a yawn against the pillow.

"Sleeping together for two consecutive nights falls under Natsuki's definition of slow?"

She nearly growled at me, slinging the cover over her head. "Go to bed Shizuru."

"Sleep well." I did not expect a response. The duvet shifted as she moved beneath the fabric.

Her face appeared again and I did feel a stab of guilt hit me when her lids slipped closed, breathing began to deepen and steady before her blush had entirely faded. I gazed at her, at the few strands that had fallen from her braid and were resting on her cheek again. The intensity of emotion that surged within me was odd. To think her beautiful, to want to kiss her, to want to keep her to myself… those I understood… to want her, to consider waking her in various less than savory ways would not have been out of the ordinary, even for me to act on them, years ago. I had these thoughts still because it was my nature, but they were just a little muted, eclipsed by thoughts of protecting her, shielding her from anything that might disturb her slumber and those thoughts evoked entirely different feelings, ones with which I wasn't very familiar.

Shakily, I let strands of black hair fall across my fingers. My chest contracted when she snuggled against the pillow, sighing and nuzzling deeper. She was simply the most adorable creature I'd ever encountered.

With her here, all that had happened felt so much further away, as though she made space around it all, space where I could breathe. I looked down the bed to see her small feet, naked and tucked against one another sticking from beneath the blanket, at her dog who was watching me cautiously from the corner of the mattress, tail twitching nervously. He was incredibly distraught when she'd shooed him off the bed, made sounds I had not heard a dog make before and I had said it was fine. He quieted as soon as he was allowed up, could see Natsuki. He clearly did not trust me yet, which I could not blame him for, because I did not trust me either. If I could win over a creature of such instinct… there may be hope for me yet. Perhaps it was something to work on… for the both of us.

**Digression #25: Kuga Saeko**   
**Date: June 9** **th** **, 1993** **…** **a Wednesday**

Everything had fallen apart… everything. She'd worked for so long, over ten years on this project…her entire career and now it was gone. All of this after she'd already compromised her principles for the sake of advancement, for the sake of maintaining control over this thing that was almost like a child to her. The woman still could not believe she'd okayed that first trial, let Homura convince her, let them test it on human beings... an experimental treatment for terminally ill patients teetering on the edge of hope and surrender. She couldn't tell Yamada or Kaiji… convinced herself they couldn't understand, but the truth was that she'd known it was wrong. Just her and Homura, very hush-hush and all 15 had died within a month just like the mice. Patchy gray ethics that made her question, made her doubt, made her scared of herself…of the decisions she'd allowed herself to make. How could she know it would happen that way? The mice... yes the mice... they had predicted it and maybe Yamada was right to quit, maybe this wasn't about science anymore. Why had she let Homura steer her so far from her ideas? From the prophylactic route, her initial research had concluded was the correct path... the progress and testing she'd already done in that respect. HiME simply didn't work as a treatment and before meeting Homura, she would've told anyone else that pursuing it as such was folly. It was too dangerous…inexplicably selective for tumor tissue. Even if she could come up with a different mechanism, that wouldn't be changed. She should've known, she did know... but that man, with his 'lightning in a bottle' talk, his inexplicable persuasiveness, it had turned her mind around. He'd convinced her to carry on her work beneath the guise of treatment, that such deception was reasonable for the good of humanity. She wanted so much to believe him and now the project was falling apart... a failure, but they wouldn't let it die... too much money, too much time, too much emotion and history. Homura had taken it all in stride, had taken samples, prepared new tests, written an article that skirted around the actual experiment. He bent the truth and she hadn't been able to bounce back from it. He wanted to try it in healthy test subjects, but curiosity was not a scientific justification and she could not support it. The control mice had shown some interesting results when given the serum. They appeared more alert, sharper, but also displayed an unexpected increase in aggression.

She was shaken by all of this in a way she had never been before and she didn't realize he had pinned the trial on her, had set it all up so that he could walk away and she would be fired. Everything gone, everything... not everything... she had a child, didn't she? She had Natsuki. Natsuki... the little girl sitting behind her… scratching at a dog twice her size. Her hair was in pigtails and those big bright eyes were nervous because they were going fast weren't they? Fast enough for centrifugal force, for bodies being pulled across seats even held in their safety belts.

How had she ever had a child? She never planned to... but that man…that handsome, serious man had come into her laboratory all confidence and she'd done something so out of character, so completely stupid. Never had she considered his proposed solution though. It was not in her to do… to terminate the pregnancy and she had never explored the whys of it, which was also so very unlike her. None of this was to say that she was unhappy with her child. Saeko loved Natsuki more than she thought herself capable of loving another person.

That little being she'd made from her own body, the flesh of her flesh with her eye color, but thankfully her father's superior vision. Such a similar face to her own, similar hair. The child loved her illogically, loved her for no reason other than the fact that she'd birthed her, loved her openly and powerfully. It was strange because she felt the same irrational love. Love seemed to come from nowhere, but everything came from something. Hormones, oxytocin some studies indicated, but anyone who'd ever felt such love knew there was something more to it, something beyond scientific quantification. Having a child had been such an unexpectedly rewarding and wonderful experience. She'd been so secure for so much of their life, been able to provide. Saeko had never considered a life where they struggled, wanted for anything.

Now a nagging possibility unearthed in the loss of her purpose tugged at her, the possibility that she'd ruined their life. She had no job. The house was paid for, but they would need other things. She didn't want to start over…didn't want to work her way up again…didn't want to give up everything...didn't want... _this_. Saeko had sacrificed so much already, had never tried to find a father for Natsuki, had raised her as a single mother, a single mother devoted to her work.

She gazed in the rearview mirror at the girl, wondering how badly she'd already wounded the child, what irreparable damage she may have unknowingly wrought in her frenzy to perfect the serum. She had only considered the happier side of things and now it felt as though failures were leaping at her from the rafters. Was the child lonely? Did she feel loved? Did she feel different without a father? Did she feel different because her Aunt and Grandparents had been taken by disease or old age before she got to know them? Did she feel different because they were a family of only two? Was Duran really her best friend as she had claimed this morning? Was that a bad thing? And was all of this her fault? Was it her genes, the obsessive dedication to a cause? The anxiety in relating to others socially that now manifested at school? That desire to do everything alone, be alone, work alone, play alone, and yet still feel so achingly separate? Had all of that been passed on, hiding in strands of DNA while the tiny cells split, wrapped up, formed in her womb? Was every deficit in her character waiting in genes yet to be expressed? What right did she have to pass these flaws on? What was hers and what was taught? If taught by her, was it still hers? What did nature versus nurture matter when she'd given the nature and provided the nurture?

She thought of Kaiji, of his fumbling attempts to ask her out... over and over. She had the HiME serum and he had her, both one-sided love affairs. Guilt plagued her as she imagined him feeling as beaten down by her refusals as she was by the failed introduction mechanisms. It wouldn't have killed her to go out with him once. He was so good to Natsuki, had bought her a stuffed dog when she was younger that she shook as though convinced that with enough force something wonderful would fall out of it. She called him her uncle. He was a good man, but she just... didn't think of him. Didn't ever think of men in that way, even when they thought of her. Romance was an extravagance, at times an annoyance. Her life was science and her daughter and she was happy. Wasn't she? It was hard to tell anymore. She did not need anyone, had never needed anyone, but did that also mean she did not _want_ someone to share her life with?

The car they were in accelerated faster through the darkness, heavy foot and headlights casting their glow upon the abandoned road as bend after bend appeared in front of them. The hills of Fuuka with their sharp, steep cliffs jumped from out of the night, rocks like teeth pulling apart a starry sky, ocean smell in the air. Saeko found herself overcome by a nonsensical solution. If she could just drive forever if she just never stopped everything would be fine... nothing would catch up with them. If she could just keep driving... a new obsession... keep driving faster... quicker around the bend...almost like flying… and suddenly…horribly they were.

**Aside #25: What to Wear** _(Conversation)_

_**"Duran!"** _The Shiba Inu was screaming, crying, sounding as though he were being murdered as he struggled in Natsuki's grip.

" _ **What're you doing to him?"**_ Alyssa asked, part amused and part scared, leaning a hand on the frame of the door.

" _ **Nothing! He's being a**_ _ **damn baby."**_ As if on cue, the dog released an anguished yell. To the observer, it looked as though the shampoo being applied was composed solely of acid.

" _ **Did he get another pen?"**_ He had a strange affinity for gnawing on writing implements, which kept them on alert for stray markers or ballpoints. The ones with the rubber grip were his favorite.

" _ **No."**_ She aimed the spray at him and he jumped as though being shot, whimpering pathetically. _**"I'm taking him with me tonight and I didn't want him to**_ _ **stink."**_

Alyssa smiled to herself. _**"**_ _ **Where're you off to, then? Somewhere with Shizuru-san?"**_

Natsuki kept her eyes trained on the squirming dog and nodded. The tension was surrounding her like an aura. _**"I don't r**_ _ **eally know how long I'll be. Just text me if you need me."**_

" _ **I**_ _ **was gonna go to Akira and Takumi's anyway."**_ The young blonde slid down the molding to sit in the doorway. _**"How is she? I haven't seen her in a while."**_

" _ **She's okay.**_ _ **Whoa**_ _ **."**_ Grabbing the creature, mid-escape attempt she forced him back into the tub, while he quivered miserably. She shot her sister a look. _**"**_ _ **Thanks for the opera.**_ _ **"**_

" _ **You didn't like it?"**_ A scowl. _**"You've**_ _ **been spending a lot of time with her**_ _ **."**_

" _ **Sorry."**_

" _ **Why're you sorry, Nat?"**_

" _ **I don't want you alone this much."**_

" _ **You're busy, it's fine."**_

" _ **We shoul**_ _ **d play before I go.**_ _ **"**_ She was referring to a video game, her younger sister knew.

Alyssa smiled. _**"Only if I get to pick your outfit tonight when I win."**_

A scoff. _**"When?"**_

" _ **I've been practicing, Nao's been 'round a lot."**_

A raised eyebrow. _**"Nao's not**_ _ **that good Alyssa."**_

" _ **We'll see."**_

" _ **Deal, DURAN!"**_ Globs of conditioner blanketed the wall of the bathroom… one hitting Natsuki in the forehead. She wiped it away and sighed. Quickly she finished washing him, wrapping him in a towel and cradling him like an infant _**"You're**_ _ **so bad.**_ _ **"**_ She nearly cooed at him as she rubbed him down with it… so gentle. It always surprised Alyssa to see her sister be so openly loving… made her wonder if she'd ever have a niece or nephew that wasn't covered in fur.

The young woman covered her mouth, laughing softly, _**"That's some serious discipline."**_

Natsuki glared lightly. _**"He's been punished enough. H**_ _ **e hates baths."**_

The blonde laughed as the animal was placed on the floor, one last rub down… vigorous this time. The towel was lifted and the dog took off like a canine rocket making a racket as he charged down the stairs to the first floor. _**"Nat?"**_

The dark-haired woman looked up from where she was toweling pools of water from the floor… foot guiding the fabric. _**"What?"**_

A serious look and she stood again, a bit closer to her sister… leaning on the wall this time. _**"You could tell me if you were datin**_ _ **g someone. I wouldn't care who it was, I'd just be happy 'cause you're happy."**_

Natsuki froze mid-swipe. _**"I'm not.**_ _ **"**_ Her face turned a shade to match the blonde's.

" _ **Oh."**_

A deep exhale. The woman was incredibly nervous. _**"That might change."**_

Blue eyes brightened. _**"That's brilliant**_ _ **!"**_ Alyssa laughed through her embarrassment and threw her arms around her sister, who startled at the hug but returned it.

" _ **Brilliant, huh?"**_ A surprised glance and a grip on her ear.

" _ **I**_ _ **t's Shizuru-san**_ _ **."**_

A smile… small and slightly hesitant. _**"**_ _ **Guess you like her**_ _ **.**_ _ **"**_

Alyssa smiled. _**"Mm!"**_

She nodded and then frowned, expression anxious again. _**"Duran's not gonna let h**_ _ **er touch him."**_

" _ **You always get so worried about Duran."**_

" _ **He makes such a bad first impression."**_ Alyssa recognized that it was about more than the dog, but said nothing.

" _ **He's just a shy thing. She'll understand.**_ _ **Come on! Let's go play, I wanna pick your outfit**_ _ **."**_ The girl bit her lip mischievously. _**"You're gonna have a shower, right?"**_

" _ **Yeah. Why?"**_

" _ **Not to sound dodgy, but did you shave your legs?"**_

Eyes rolled. _**"I'm not going naked, that's not a damn outfit**_ _ **.**_ _ **You've been spending way too much time with Nao.**_ _ **"**_

"No such thing pup." A voice broke in.

"When the hell did you get here?" They all knew Nao didn't like to speak English. The switch was natural for them.

The woman shrugged. "I was taking a nice nap on the couch before your sopping wet mongrel decided to jump all over me."

"I was just thinking maybe a skirt, Nat," Alyssa added, smirking over at the redheaded woman… at the damp spot that covered the thighs of her pants and part of her shirt.

Natsuki's face flamed. "Oh."

"A skirt?" She asked, studying her friend. "What the hell for?"

"She's going to Shizuru-san's. Don't you think she should let me pick her outfit?"

"Just toss a damn bow on her and throw her out of the car bare-assed. Edible present… what every girl who does girls wants."

Another flare of color and she shoved the redhead out of the way. Natsuki stomped off down the hall thoroughly embarrassed.

Bored eyes followed her retreating form, a devilish smirk on her lips. "Something I said?"

"Be nice or I'll sit on your lap again!" Alyssa called as she trotted off after her sister, slight redness on her own cheeks but a wide smile on her lips. A reaction like that? Natsuki was definitely a mess of nerves.

"Guess you really do take after her." The young blonde stopped at the top of the stairs and turned around. She glared lightly before she brought two fingers to her lips and whistled.

An orange dog, spikes of damp fur covering his body, bounded up the stairs. "Duuurrraann!" He jumped frantically, readying himself, the adrenaline from his harrowing bathtime ordeal still fresh.

Nao stared at her, furious. "Fuck no!"

"Good boy! Duran!" His head snapped back and forth as he searched for the cause of her excitement. She swung both hands toward the bathroom. "Duran…go get Nao!" Command obeyed and with gusto.

Alyssa hopped gleefully down the steps to the sound of a woman swearing her head off. She did not win against her sister, but Natsuki allowed her to consult on outfit selection nonetheless. The hair in a braid was her doing at least.


	26. Afternoon, Nina, and Angles and Angels

**Narrative #26: An Afternoon Meeting  
Date: March 18, 2014 … a Tuesday**

Most of the morning had been spent moving items from my old office in the research building to my new office outside of Anesthesiology. The relocation was taking some time, but I was pleased with the space. It had more windows, which gave the room a pleasant, airy feel, a lightness that complemented my mood. The HiME investigation concluded on Monday and I had met with Human Resources that afternoon, followed by another meeting with Wang-sensei. No fault had been found on my part, though there were changes made to my position. The research component was eliminated completely, and it seemed as though they intended to push the position further into the academic realms...lectures and seminars. That was just as well as far as I was concerned. It meant I would return to Clinical Preceptor and I was pleased for it, even with the added responsibilities. I did not mind public speaking. It was something that I considered enjoyable, which I knew was not the typical opinion on such things. Outside of that, a certain amount of disappointment in myself, a desire for some consequence resultant of my own negligence in the HiME project remained. Since my return, a nagging feeling had beset me, a desire to explore my reasons for staying in this field, a tiny itch of a whim that made me consider if I should not try something different. It was instinct. I could not continue to ignore such things completely, yet I saw no sense in quitting my job when I hadn't a clear direction as concerned what else I might do. Quitting in and of itself, still was a very distasteful idea to me.

A single rap on my door called my attention. An anticipatory smile was already on my face, but it was not who I was hoping for. A stroke of guilt hit me when I felt crestfallen. I was quite happy to see the person leaning on the doorframe, even if it was not Natsuki.

"You're a hard woman to find lately."

I smiled at my friend. "Good afternoon Chie."

"I heard you got caught up in all that craziness with the Research Department."

I nodded. "Unfortunately, yes."

"Aoi texted you about a week ago." She strolled over and sat in one of my chairs, crossing her legs at the thigh. Glasses were adjusted. "I'm not supposed to come home tonight without a confirmed Shizuru sighting." Said as though I were some creature of legend. I threw a small wave, knowing what was to come even before she lifted her phone. "Step back so I can get your shoes in, she'll like them. Nice outfit by the way!" I obeyed and Chie snapped a picture, which I was certain she texted to her partner. She photographically documented more of her life than any other person I'd met.

I held my elbow as I let one arm hang by my side, observing the worry in her eyes. Another friend who would offer more than I had been willing to give back…two friends actually, though they were nearly one in my mind.

"Kanin-na, Chie. I am afraid I needed to change my phone number. Please send my apologies to her."

"Come over and we'll call it even."

I took a seat in the chair beside her, turning myself so that I could look her in the eye. "That is rather lenient, do you not think so?" The discomfort in me, I was aware it engendered my jesting.

She gave a small grin. "Gentle punishment." An oxymoron, really.

I raised an eyebrow. "So, it is your intention to punish me?"

"I could cook you dinner." I laughed. Chie was a notoriously terrible cook, though I'd never had the pleasure of tasting her meals. Aoi claimed she'd gotten food poisoning on two separate occasions and her claims were hotly contested. Either way, it was not really a risk I wished to take. "I heard one of your Residents went a little nuts on you too."

An understatement. "It was a bit of a mess." Also, an understatement.

"Sorry to hear." And she did seem it. "You're okay though?"

A breath to gather my courage before speaking the truth, before trespassing against how politeness would dictate I reply. "I am on the mend."

She acquired an immediate expression of surprise and I looked away for a moment. "That's good, I'm glad."

When my eyes returned to her face, I noticed the seriousness there. Too much seriousness. I'd shared a bit, that was enough for now I thought. I allowed myself to redirect the conversation as a reward, to steer it away from topics that would add to my anxiousness.

"Dare I ask from whom you heard it in the first place?"

She tapped fingers against her knee. "You're asking me to reveal my sources?"

A bright smile. "If it concerns me, do I not deserve to know?"

Her body eased against the backrest. "His name is Hayashi. He cleans the floor in the NICU, but his girlfriend works for Wang and overheard Armitage yelling on the phone about it. He and the girlfriend were _'talking'_ by that water fountain in the corner. He sneaks down here to see her all the time. I asked him to tell me when he sees you again. He said you were back when I saw him this morning."

How interesting. "An informant in environmental services. Very clever."

"I have plants all over, you know that. Another tells me Kanzaki's trying to position a certain green-eyed surgeon to take the Trauma Attending position. Her Fellowship is almost up." She quirked an eyebrow at me for confirmation. There was a clear assumption I'd be privy to such news.

I made a mental note to question Reito over it. "Is that so? And where did this come from?"

"Kitchen staff. He's got himself a big gay crush on Kanzaki." She did have some rather excellent gossip and I was fairly certain to which young man she was referring. "I guess he was eavesdropping while delivering food for a department meeting. He's jealous. He's convinced Kanzaki's interested in Kuga. Speaking of," I felt a small amount of completely undo jealousy myself.

"Is there something more to be said about Reito?" I knew exactly where she was going with this conversation.

"No, but the Ortho Fellow…"

"Another rumor?" I asked with feigned naivety.

"You'd be the primary source." A wry look. With conscious effort, I forced enough of what I felt to show on my face that it would answer her question without words. Hers became a picture of shock and she adjusted her glasses again. "Really?"

The soft smile I'd let through faded as I thought over the situation, nervousness taking me. "Chie," She sat up a little straighter. "It is…very new, what is between us."

A nod as she gazed up at me from behind her frames. "I _can_ actually keep a secret when the occasion warrants." I gave her an appreciative smile. "You should bring her over for dinner at some point...when it's not so new I mean. Once Aoi finds out, she's not gonna take a refusal, no matter how polite."

I needed to joke. "Now that a promise of pleasurable punishment is on the table, assuming you intend to include everyone, how could I refuse?"

She shook her head, slightly embarrassed. "You'd think I'd know better than to give you a set up like that." As sure as I was that she and Aoi were happily familiar with such things, both of them were rather bashful as concerned discussion or jesting on the subject. Comments concerning attractions or infatuations were strictly good gossip and fodder for a bit of banter between friends. Innuendo and sexual teases were something that required a more specific taste.

I smiled as she glanced up at me, recovering her normal poise. "Kanin-na, Chie."

She returned the gesture. "My fault. Keiko-chan wants another drawing by the way."

"One of my drawings is enough for anyone I would say."

The remembrance of my deficiency in that particular area was still entertaining it seemed, at least her smirk would suggest so. "That girl is not gonna take you seeing someone very well."

My head tilted. "Does Chie believe she would challenge Natsuki over me?"

"Her future wife? Absolutely."

"Future wife?" Unbeknown to me, I was betrothed to a six-year-old now. Seven actually...

"I thought Aoi told you about that."

There was a wide smile on my lips. _It was too adorable_. "She did not. I was unaware Keiko-chan had any such designs on me."

A small grin appeared on her face. "You, Kanzaki, and one of Midori's kids. The list is growing, she's got big plans I guess." I covered my mouth as a bit of a chuckle escaped. Three spouses? A grand plan by any measure, but it did diminish the specialness of her attachment to me somewhat.

"It would seem so. I am honored really, but I do not know that I could be satisfied with such divided attention."

She laughed quietly, a sound that her partner enjoyed immensely. It was the type of laugh that one could not help but smile at. "Doesn't really seem like she was going to give you a choice."

I touched my chin. "Ara,"

"I'm glad you're okay." I was favored with one of her handsome smiles as she rose, squeezing my knee on her way by. "Take care of yourself Shizuru."

"I will. Ookini for stopping in, Chie." She nodded and with a hug, headed out.

I spent the next half hour rearranging things to my liking and trying to ignore the fact that I was moderately uncomfortable. I had not worn heels once since my suspension. For some silly reason, I'd dressed myself up more than I normally would for my first days back. Perhaps it was because I felt more put together when I wore such attire. It was like a slipcover thrown over the things inside that I was still attempting to put back into place. Today's choice was only a little less foolish than yesterday as far as my outfit was concerned. My shoes and the seam of my dark stockings where it followed the backs of my legs, were both minor irritations as I knelt or reached. The skirt I'd elected to wear was not helping the situation either, though it presented far more of a challenge on the stairs than it did now.

While I sorted through my things and neatened up, my mind wandered off like a disobedient child. It was searching for the woman who it held in such high esteem, trying to imagine what she might be doing right this moment. The memories I had collected of waking up beside her, they were revisited as well. Three times now it had happened, and the feelings evoked were delightfully fresh. The week that followed our two nights together, she'd been caught up with another of her friends… the bartender. It seemed her mother had passed away and the arrangements were taking place. She was assisting with the legal aspect of it and was clearly emotionally affected, even though she did try to hide it. Her discomfort made sense to me, given that she had experienced the loss of her own mother. I attempted to be conservative in my contact, allow Natsuki space if she required.

She had sought me out though, asked to see me several hours after the funeral, late at night. I had thought of her often that day but did not expect to see her. I had even begun reading the novel Yohko had gotten me to distract myself. I had been sitting upright in my bed, dressed for it and pleasantly immersed in the book, when my phone chirped. A simple text from her had surprised me. _Can I come over?_ A simple response from me. _Of course_.

There was not much said that night, just us laying side-by-side, her eyes wandering to find mine, her hand wandering out to fit with mine as it had the last time we were together this way. I had lifted our intertwined hands to my lips, kissed the back of hers and she had looked down at the duvet, face tightening. Concerned by the response, I had glided fingers through raven hair that felt impossibly soft against their tips. It smelled of the ocean and I wondered if she'd spent some time at the cliffs. At my touch, her forehead had wrinkled, her head had shifted, her nose resting against the inside my wrist. It was cool metal and warm skin and her eyes hidden beneath my forearm. The tension in her, the unwillingness to speak was palpable and I did not press her for words. To see her so obviously pained, it pulled at me. There was a need inside me to see her fall asleep, to see her settled in some way. I had stayed awake to fulfill it, stayed awake past that. Her form in repose, it drew such hope from me… that maybe I had been able to provide her even a quarter of the peace she'd given me… that maybe I had been able to give back to her at all. I'd wrapped myself in that hope, let it lull me into slumber as well.

Natsuki had stopped by one other time during the week on her way home. A brief visit during which she seemed in much better spirits. I had not allowed her to stay late or stay the night, she had to work in the morning. We talked some, kissed some, which was still so oddly emotional. Her caseload in the OR had been heavy toward the end of the week. By Saturday, when we were finally able to arrange a block of time to see one another, she was exhausted. Though she rallied for my sake, most of the night had been spent in my bed, talking, touching. She again sought that small bit of physical contact, not anything sexual, but pieces of us joined. It was one of the more unexpected things that had emerged between us since the admission of our shared feelings, that need in her for touch.

A sense of déjà vu filled me as a second rap sounded on my door. Natsuki really did look incredible in professional attire, powerful in a way that was still quite feminine and undeniably attractive for it. The coffee was held tight in her hands, like some precious object.

"Good afternoon Kuga-sensei."

She arched a dark eyebrow at me, pushing her tongue against her cheek. The gesture positively ravaged my senses when coupled with that outfit. Placing her coffee down on my desk, she leaned against its top, rubbed behind her ear, brushing her thumb along a ring there. "Hey."

I smiled. "How has your day been? Not too stressful I hope."

She was eying me somewhat shyly. It was another novelty between us, that look, and I enjoyed it immensely. "Busy. Done." As if each word were a complete sentence… "You?"

"Natsuki is in my office. I'd say my day has improved significantly from a moment ago." She glanced my way, shaking her head and it made my smile grow. "How is your friend?"

She frowned. "Nao's okay." Her eyes roamed the room. "I like this office better." She commented flatly.

"I would agree, the view is nicer." Standing up, I walked over to the door and closed it, partly to see her reaction, but the entire way I felt her eyes chasing me. I moved back over to where she stood, smiling still and standing a little ways in front of her. Her eyes were fixed low and that sense of incredulity that I had felt at the piano filled me. Were she any other person, I would be absolutely certain that she was staring at my legs. It was Natsuki though, and so I attempted to find another explanation for the position of her eyes and the rather unusual expression on her face.

As she returned to herself, her gaze snapped back upward. "Are you alright?" I questioned.

Air was pushed through her nose. "Fine."

"I wonder what Natsuki was considering so intently a moment ago?" There was culpability trapped in the pinkness of her cheeks and I suddenly found myself imagining how unsuccessful her younger self must have been at hiding any mischief she engaged in.

"You're the one shutting the damn door." It was said below her breath, with crossed arms and a touch of forced haughtiness.

I smiled innocently at her. "I wonder what it is you think I meant by that?" Much to my shock she touched my waist and pulled me toward her. Narrowed eyes captured mine before she kissed me quickly but firmly.

My own nervousness was slower in dissipating than I would have liked, but my comfort level was much higher than it had been a week prior. I was conscious of so many thoughts, so many feelings that I had not been before. I was constantly trying to rediscover a stable baseline. In her arms was the easiest location, but that hardly seemed a fair way of resolving my own issues. So many things had changed in my mind, were still shifting and contradicting one another. When that mixed with her ability to instantly make me forget myself, it led to fluctuating levels of self-composure when she was near.

I felt the expressiveness on my face when it ended. What she could call from inside me simply by being close to me. All I could think of was her, more of her. She was smirking and I was struggling against my own reactions.

"Am I to assume this is you keeping me in line?"

That smugness. "It's me finding a way to stop you, Shizuru."

The sound of my name rolled into that low voice sent a shiver down my spine. I remembered the conversation to which she was referring… the one we shared in the car that evening.

"This must be the trouble you spoke of then." She resolutely kept my gaze, as if my fingers on the side of her face were an open challenge. A smile at that was impossible to contain. "I cannot say I mind it," I added, studying her face.

The bruise that surrounded her eye was barely noticeable at this point, the sclera returned to its natural whiteness...still, I traced beneath her lid, wishing I could clean the remains away or perhaps kiss them away. That was possible, I could lean forward and place lips at the corner of her eye… and so I did. She stiffened in surprise but did not seem unhappy. How could it be that she was accepting this the way that she was? That she was willing to trust me so completely, willing to be with me like this? To unashamedly allow my touch despite her own fears? I felt inadequate when compared to her because I had such trouble holding onto the belief that what we were beginning together would simply work, would not leave us both heart-scarred at my hands.

A deep frown set itself on her lips and I gave her a questioning look. "Don't make that face."

I cocked my head to the side, assuming she was referring to the open admiration I was sure had taken residence in my gaze. "It cannot be helped. Natsuki is so captivating."

Feeling emboldened, I ran the backs of my fingers along her neck. There was an immediate twitch in the muscle that ran from her collarbone to a point behind her ear. Those goosebumps had returned, chasing up her nape. Her eyes became saucers while her body responded, but she kept herself together as her hand stilled mine. Not a rejection, not forceful, but the intended message in her stare escaped me. A question, but which question I could not tell.

She swallowed, blinked, and then a stern look. "Not what I'm talking about. I mean that look you keep getting."

The comment and her seriousness made me uncomfortable enough that I fell into teasing again, a pout forming. "Natsuki finds something displeasing in my face?"

Her eyes rolled. "Like you feel guilty." She corrected.

I smiled as if the notion I felt guilty for any of this was absurd instead of the core truth of everything. It was harder to admit what I was truly feeling when I was not in such a vulnerable emotional state. She moved even closer and my heart responded, beating harder, wanting to reach her. Her lips pressed to mine again, longer this time. I could feel her confidence wavering, her trying to hold onto it. Her soft lips, the pressure of her legs on mine, the heat of skin that was far too noticeable, heating my own while she kissed me again. It was absolutely thought-robbing.

Us in an embrace against my desk, a scenario I had thought of quite a few times before, and now the rebellious organ housed in my chest was pounding painfully fast.

"I wouldn't kiss you if I didn't want to." That was difficult for her to say when she pulled away, quieter, no eye contact until the end, but so clearly honest. I was at a loss when faced with such straightforwardness.

"I," Sheer brilliance, and I knew I looked as flustered as I felt. Rare heat crept up my neck and onto my cheeks.

A slow grin broke across her lips. She was apparently proud of herself for rendering me close to speechless. I suppose from her perspective, it was quite an accomplishment, so I let her enjoy it… for a few seconds anyway.

"I am flattered Natsuki would drag herself all the way to my office just for a kiss."

"It's not for that." She denied, moving back a bit.

"There is something else you wanted, then?"

She took a breath in and exhaled, running a hand through her hair, holding a lock that hung by her face. "I can't do Thursday." It was supposed to be an evening we'd reserved for one another, a casual date spent at my home, her dog invited.

"Ah." I worried immediately, retreated somewhat at the lack of explanation and her face fell.

"Alyssa's flying home for her break Friday. It was supposed to be Saturday, but Searrs changed it. I wanna grab dinner with her before she goes. She'll be with friends the other days and she'll be away for her birthday. I thought I should take her out or something." A question asked with eyes as she rubbed her neck. It melted me because it was completely unnecessary given the circumstances.

"That is sweet of you. Will I not be seeing her tonight?"

"No, she's out with Nao. They're going to England together. Alyssa said she's taking her for…" She made a strange face as though what she would say next seemed improbable to her. "'moral support'." The bartender was certainly an interesting choice for such purposes, but in truth, I did not know her very well. In any case, it was a shame really that we would not see one another. I was beginning to miss Natsuki's younger sister.

I laughed lightly. "Well, I do hope I see her soon."

"Come on Thursday."

The request surprised me. "I do not think I should really. You two should have that time to yourself, no?"

She was studying me. "She wouldn't care. Alyssa likes you."

That made me happy, but still, to take their time together on the night before she was to leave, I could not do that. "I would not feel right in intruding."

Her lips pulled to the side and she turned an earring. "You wouldn't be."

"That is kind of you, but I think it would be better if I let her have the time with her older sister." I squeezed her hand and she looked down at where they were intertwined. There was something that existed between people who were close, a private dynamic that was changed by the presence of others. Whether or not Alyssa liked me, it would alter their conversation, me being there. I did not want that for them, especially on a birthday dinner. As I considered the idea, it occurred to me that what I experienced with Natsuki was something not all that dissimilar. The way I spoke to her when we were alone was different from the way I spoke with her when others were around. Our time alone was most dear to me and I did not want to take that away from the two of them. "Could we not plan something for when she returns?"

She did not seem completely satisfied but nodded, nonetheless. "What about Friday?"

I was puzzled by the suggestion. "Will she not be gone then?"

"Us I mean."

"I am Natsuki's whenever she would like me."

She rolled her eyes. "Seriously Shizuru, how much time do you spend thinking of things to say or do that will make this happen?" A finger tapped her pink cheek.

It was not the most challenging task I had ever undertaken, but one of the more rewarding certainly. "Perhaps too much," I confessed.

She adopted what she must have thought seemed a serious expression, her amusement was cracking the corners of her frown. "At least you admit it."

Attempting to appear my most earnest, I gazed at her. "Do you not think it is the slightest bit unfair to hold me responsible when you look so adorable with a blush on your…" Again, with the kissing to quiet me, not letting me finish and with more conviction than before…

The press of her lips drew my eyelids closed, gliding pressure that tempted and soothed me at the same time. It was a more intimate kiss than I would've thought she'd be comfortable with in a place such as this, and I sank into the feel of it all too readily. I could not help letting the tip of my tongue trace along her gorgeous bottom lip as it fell between mine, a gentle pull with teeth after. Something between a moan and a groan jumped from her. I had to brace myself on the desk, my hands nearly slapping the wood, her fingers suddenly stiffening, extending… palms pushing into my sides. I had not anticipated that.

A pullback as she startled, yes, but a low, quiet sound…vibrating resonance that made me sigh and fed a nibbling hunger deep in my stomach, no. That her lips had not been taken back at my actions, that she was allowing this… not just allowing, but furthering, I did not expect that either. Those hands relaxed, one drawing me closer and the other traveling up to the back of my neck. We fell further into the kiss and she tossed my senses deeper into rebellion by gently employing her own teeth… a tiny controlled nip that made my eyelids flutter, my hands grip the edge of the desk forcefully. I had to break away after another few seconds of bliss because my body was already leaning more heavily against hers. She was beginning to fog my thinking and though ending it was my decision, my lips were not happy with my choice. They kept defiantly returning to hers for another taste, another moment… once more. I let my forehead rest on hers briefly, eyes closed for a breath after we parted. Her shaky exhales turned my thoughts to honey, thick and sweet.

The assemblage of heated emotions within me flowed and spread across my liquid mind. I knew desire would show in my eyes because I felt it humming beneath my skin. It was with reluctance I met her gaze once I stood straight. I suppose I expected to see that gloating expression from before or perhaps some pinkness. What I saw instead was astounding to me, something I finally recognized as _want_ … a want that was not immediately clear because it was surrounded by confusion.

"Shit." A quiet, unsteady curse.

No woman had ever done such a thing after I'd kissed her, but the husk she'd woven into the word suggested it was not a complaint. She slipped her hand from my neck and touched uncertain fingers to her own lips as if perplexed by them, gaze unseeing. Her nostrils flared slightly as she exhaled again, eyes lifting slowly to mine. We watched one another a pace away, as I drew my arms back. I wanted desperately to kiss her again, perhaps pin her to my desk or my chair. It was going to be more difficult than I thought to behave and let her guide me…

A knock startled both of us and I raised a hand to my chest, a reflexive check to make sure my heart had not leaped from it.

"Fujino!" Haruka's booming voice broke through the wood of the door. _Of course…_ that woman had such a talent for intrusion. In some cases for the better, this obviously _not_ being one of them. "I know you're in there!"

Natsuki's eyes became extraordinarily wide and I knew there was no way she would be able to keep down a blush.

"Don't open that door!" She hissed in a whisper.

I could not ignore the woman outside, she would not be ignored even when she should be. Her presence in moments like this, where she was interrupting, usually it felt like my conscience emerging. In this moment, I felt only a remarkably small amount of that. The shame that I was accustomed to feeling, the regret at my own weaknesses…though still there, it was lessened by Natsuki's standing in opposition to it. The hopes I'd always dismissed as undeserved impossibilities, they stirred in her presence, fortifying the changes that I could feel taking root despite my lingering resistance to them.

I smoothed my shirt and then adjusted her collar, blanketing such thoughts as I wiped away a bit of gloss from the corner of her mouth. "There." I pronounced.

The look she gave me was horrified, not soothed in the slightest. "What?!" There was no making light of this then.

"FUJINO!" That voice might be even more piercing when muffled. I eyed the door with a small amount of annoyance.

Turning back, I smiled with as much reassurance as I could muster at the woman who was able to ease so much of what troubled me. She was quite troubled herself at this moment. Stepping up toward her, I caught her eyes with my own and whispered to her. "Kanin-na Natsuki, but I must."

She rubbed at her temples with the base of her hands and then motioned to the door jerkily with her chin, a slight nod. As I moved away, her hand grabbed my own and then released me as soon as I stopped.

A heavy sigh escaped her as she glared murderously at the door. "Not your fault."

Relenting, I went to allow the woman outside entry. I paused right before touching the handle, watching Natsuki as she pushed off the desk. She proceeded to adopt the most absurd attempts at a casual pose I'd ever seen. _Simply too cute._

The door was opened to reveal a rather irritated looking blonde. "Please come in Haruka. I was just finishing a discussion."

Violet eyes bounced between us. "Kuga."

"Armitage. Bye." She nodded quickly and then brushed past her, throwing a glance at me over her shoulder. I stopped myself from giving her the foolish smile I was inclined to...gave her something much more genuine. She stopped for just a moment, a small smile returned, and then a hasty retreat. Her walk in heels was entirely different and equally as enjoyable to watch, I really should not have focused on it.

"Rude as ever." The woman in my office mumbled and I kept my lips curled, even though I wished to correct her. Her belly seemed to be growing by the day. I was surprised at myself when I thought of patting it.

"Is there something I can do for you, Haruka?"

She started to roll her eyes, but caught herself, visibly swallowing down her annoyance. A most unusual response. "I came because I need to talk to you!"

"Alright." I took a seat.

She did as well with a bit of awkwardness due to her size, which I attempted to ignore for her sake. A huff as she adjusted herself in the too-small chair. "I'm leaving bubuzuke."

It was shocking to me, almost to the point that it did not make sense. "Are you?"

"In two months, I took another job. I am gone in another week anyway 'cause of this." She shook her head with irritation, pointing to her stomach. "Aries offered me a position. It's better pay and it's the same as your position."

I gathered myself, unsettled by how much this was affecting me. "That is wonderful."

Her fist rose in the air and a finger flicked out. "We're equals now."

A curious stare. "Were we not before?"

"Don't be stupid. I mean offensively." _Offensive equals_. I had no picture in my head for such a linguistic misstep.

I nodded slowly, this felt so surreal. "Congratulations, Haruka. That is wonderful."

"Did you hear about the crap Marguerite's parents pulled?"

"Honestly, no." I had no intentions of relaying what happened between Tomoe-han and I the last time we spoke. There had been no communication since, and I hoped there would not ever be.

She rolled her eyes at my response. "They somehow made it so she didn't get kicked out of school. Artai is gonna let her finish. I guess she's gonna work at some clinic up there afterward, a plastic surgeon. Lu or something like that."

"Ahn Lu?" She was perhaps one of the best-known plastic surgeons in the country. She had lectured at Gauderobe when I was a medical student. She was an attractive, highly successful woman with a reputation that preceded her. Beyond that, I knew very little about her though I'd heard rumors of her in school, involving possible drunken antics at a conference. The sort of things people whispered about but were just as likely to be lies as truth. It appeared Tomoe-han's parents were even better connected than I thought.

"I don't care who she is! How does something like that happen? What is the restraining order for then? It's like the law means nothing to these people!"

Such righteous anger. "It is a bit absurd." The law, rules really, were for people who did not have the financial means to skirt around them and possessed enough empathy to be bothered by their actions. If I had learned anything from the experience with Tomoe-han and Homura-han, it was that. I danced a line with such things myself. However, that was not a conversation I intended to broach with the woman across from me. Discussing the injustices of the world was certain to rile her further.

"That girl and her whole family…this is absolutely wrong." Her fist hit the arm of her chair. "I told my cousin to keep an eye on you."

I was well aware. "Ookini for that. I have seen her patrolling."

"She said some delinquent biker was creeping around your house."

I let my eyes slip closed. "It was merely a misunderstanding." A misunderstanding that led to me allowing Natsuki inside my home, led to what we had now. I was both thankful and ruffled by it. So much of what happened between Haruka and me left me feeling that way. I truly could not imagine her just being gone.

"Well, whatever. Be careful and call her if anything happens! Just 'cause I'm not around, doesn't mean she won't come." The finger was there a second time, I had not missed it actually.

"Of course, Haruka. Ookini."

"The whole thing is stupid. Homura and Marguerite. I say good ribbons to both of them." _Good ribbons indeed._

"How are you feeling by the way?" I asked out of politeness and because she was shifting restlessly.

"I can handle it. I'm pregnant, not an idiot." Interesting that she felt those two were at opposite ends of a spectrum.

I smiled my most enthusiastic smile at her. "I have no doubt." Like a porcupine with its quills on end, she glared at me threateningly and then calmed considerably.

"I think you should recommend Wang, Fujino."

"To replace you?"

"I know she's Wang-sensei's daughter, but she's strong and she's the best we've had in a while. I'm going to put a word in for her before I go." She crossed her arms, but they remained somewhat elevated by her stomach. It was quite an image.

I considered what I would say. "I trust your judgment, Haruka. Perhaps it would be beneficial if l spent some time with her tomorrow." Her mouth nearly tumbled to the floor.

She fumbled through her response. "I, uh good! You should Fujino."

"You've been very helpful in taking care of the students. Ookini, for your dedication and assistance."

Again, she gave me a look as though she was not quite sure what to make of me any longer. "Shizuru," I raised an eyebrow at the sudden use of my first name. "Look." A finger pointed at me yet again. "You can be annoying and you're way too friendly with people." I was unsure where she was going with this speech, but it was not starting off well. "But Marguerite shouldn't have been alone with you. We should have been documenting all of this. It wasn't just the normal stupidity the Residents have around you. You should have told me way before what happened in the locker room. I told you I didn't trust that girl."

I watched her as she re-crossed her arms over her chest. "You are right, Haruka." Her eyes widened and then she controlled it, fixing her face into the usual aggressively condescending stare.

"I know." The bravado was back as was my mild irritation.

"Can I make you some tea before you go back to work?"

"I guess I have the time, bubuzuke." I kept myself from shaking my head, as I prepared the remained bit of tea from Natsuki's gift. "We're going to go to _Element_ before I go, even if I can't drink. Tell Kanzaki."

I smiled at her genuinely before leaving to obtain hot water. "That would be delightful Haruka."

As I prepared the drink in the small kitchenette a few doors down, I attempted to understand what I was feeling, why her leaving would have any impact on me. We were not close, not friends by most traditional definitions even if I thought of her that way for lack of a better term. She was the one person I had consistent contact with since leaving my home in Kyoto, though the contact was not always positive. The way that I thought of her, as some sort of moral compass, to have that taken away… I could not be sure how I would perform without her, who would right me. Should I not be able to right myself? Some part of me whispered the words in retort. There would be no more Haruka Armitage getting herself into a tizzy, interrupting at moments that oscillated between opportune and inopportune, taking any challenge from me to prove some point that never existed in the first place. Would I miss her? Was that what existed beneath all of this? Ara, what an odd thought.

She was drumming her fingers when I returned. I placed a cup down for each of us and took a seat again, ignoring her loud sipping. "So, who did Kuga yell at this time?"

I folded my hands and rested my chin on them, smiling, waiting for the tea to cool a bit. "Surely you have enough to worry over with the responsibilities you've shouldered in my absence. There is no need to concern yourself with this. It is a situation I plan to devote my full attention to."

She gave me a dubious look, blue-violet eyes skeptical. "Better you than me."

About that, we were in perfect agreement.

**Digression #26: Nina Wang  
Date: March 22nd, 2014 … a Saturday**

Nina Wang had never intended to perform her Residency at the same hospital her father worked at. It was a string of coincidences that lead to them ending up at Fuuka Hospital together. Her successful stint at Artai University's well-known medical program, her specialty selection to match her father's… yes, both of those had been deliberate. However, her securing the internship at Fuuka Hospital only two days before the Chief of Anesthesiology position opened was not.

The offer they made her father was too good an opportunity for him to pass up and they walked in at practically the same time. Nepotism, she was sure it was seen that way. Her father was well known in the medical community, had acted as Chief at two other hospitals before Fuuka. The most important thing to her in this world had always been making her father proud, to be a child worthy of Sergay Wang. The pressure to prove herself was just as much internal as it was familial. To have him there, watching her every move, available to see every misstep was significantly more pressure than she wanted. Nina would have been happy to go to another hospital, happy to excel and have her father hear it secondhand, but she'd already secured her position. Withdrawing would have required an explanation to him. It needed to be dealt with, fate accepted with dignity and she'd done her level best.

She had liked her first preceptor at Fuuka. Blythe-sensei was helpful and stern, a good combination for Nina. She had hoped Armitage would get the preceptor position when Blythe left, but it didn't happen that way. Fujino-sensei had gotten the position instead and Nina only had two years left to impress a woman who was an enigma to her. The news had sent her into a mild panic. It was obvious as far as Nina was concerned, that they did not get along. She was certain the woman did not like her, though she never allowed that to permeate their limited interactions. Nonetheless, it was troubling because Nina needed Fujino-sensei to like her if she was to advance. Nina somehow ended up spending most of her time with Armitage and the other staff, which only fueled her suspicions.

There was an upside to it. She had always liked the blonde woman. Armitage was easy to read, easy to understand, praised sparingly. Nina understood what was expected of her, understood the rules. That was not the case with her preceptor. Fujino-sensei reprimanded firmly but with a supportiveness that was off-putting. When mistakes were made, Nina did not want support. She wanted someone to make her properly wallow in her embarrassment such that mistakes like that were never made again. On top of the unwelcome supportiveness, the woman was so friendly with people. She alternated between a skilled, self-possessed doctor and a carefree, playful flirt with an ease that left Nina's head spinning. To respect someone's abilities, yet find the way they acted with others completely un-relatable was a difficult experience. It was especially challenging because it was a person whose opinion held such sway. She did not know how to act with her preceptor, what the behavioral expectations were. She floundered, could barely make small talk, could not laugh at well-timed jokes because she was too busy analyzing their seriousness, could not smile because she was not sure if it was proper. It was a failure… one that she did not learn from and that bothered her more than anything else. This woman who made no sense to her, who she could not please or displease, who would not show her where she stood… she had so much power over Nina's future.

She threw herself into studying, into learning, into being the absolute best she could be at everything she felt she was deficient with. She established a regiment of weekly self-evaluation as concerned her weaknesses. It made no difference… Fujino-sensei always had the same amount of patience, the same non-confrontational way of showing her something when she did not know. The few times they worked together, the woman seemed wholly unaffected by her striving for continual improvement, did not comment on it. She left her alone more than the other Residents, but even then Nina could not be certain that it was because she thought her competent.

It could be any number of things and Nina could not read her. It could be something as simplistic as the awkwardness when they spoke that kept her Sensei away. In response to the continued detachment, Nina threw herself even harder into the quest for excellence. Armitage noticed and encouraged it… Fujino-sensei relieved her from cases and asked her to get some rest. It was worrisome. Was she angry with her for staying past time? Nina could never tell, did not have the slightest idea what her Sensei thought of her. All her reviews were fine, but they seemed generic to her… no criticism, only areas for improvement where she had already identified herself as lacking.

She had come to her last evaluation session with a prepared list of her shortcomings for her Sensei. The woman had seemed uncharacteristically surprised by her actions and read through them carefully. She had folded her hands on the desktop and asked Nina if she did not think it was somewhat harsh. It had taken every ounce of restraint for her not to storm out of the office. How was she supposed to excel, when her deficiencies weren't being harped on, pulled into the light and thrust in her face where she could see them and thusly repair herself?

Neither Arika nor Erstin understood because they got along with Fujino-sensei. She was their beloved mentor. There had never been an awkward moment between the three of them. Her father must have liked the woman as well if he recommended her over Armitage. Why was she the only one who didn't get along with her?

Nina would have liked to believe that it had nothing to do with the rumor everyone seemed so fascinated by. It did make her slightly uncomfortable resultant of her personal beliefs about homosexuality, but her personal opinion had nothing to do with her definition of professionalism. She would not let it. Beneath her discomfort though, another reaction, one that was much stranger and grew over time. Tomoe had started it really, subtle put-downs about Nina's sense of humor or lack thereof, her seriousness…comments about how little time her Sensei spent with her comparatively, suggestions it was deliberate, hints about why, what it meant for Nina's future. Tomoe did it to all her fellow Residents, the attempts at manipulation that she had thought were subtle. It bothered Arika and Erstin far more than it did her. Those particular comments though, those that concerned their Sensei, did stick in her skin somewhat. Tomoe was completely unprofessional with their preceptor, elitist while still grasping, had no concern for excellence, and so in Nina's estimation…she had deserved to be removed from her Residency. It took her less time to recognize that Tomoe was not a respectable person than it did the others, yet something in her argument was still oddly persuasive. An unwelcome idea came with the continued verbal poking, that there was something fundamentally unappealing about Nina as a woman. That whatever Fujino-sensei found unattractive in her had created the distance between them.

She felt guilty for attributing such unprincipled thoughts to her preceptor. Why would she even consider such a thing? Why should it bother her even if Fujino-sensei was that way and did not consider her attractive? It made her feel as though she were no better than Arika with her meddling in their Sensei's personal affairs.

It was the personalizing of this issue that bothered her, that her mind would extend their problems to anything outside of her performance. The only other time she allowed any personal feeling to leak into her relations with her preceptor was when she heard what had happened with Homura. If what the papers had said was to be believed, that small man with his unusual white hair was one of the most unethical people she'd ever met. To think Tomoe had planned to leave with him, work for him at Artai, it was frightening, but fitting. It was the first time she felt connected with her Sensei, empathized, and considered she might know what she was feeling. To have her reputation tarnished by another unwittingly, to be dragged down professionally without consideration for skill or performance… Nina could think of little that would be worse. She had pitched in for the basket Erstin and Arika insisted they purchase for her, helped choose the items to go in it, agonized over what to write in the card. Nina hated signing cards. She found trying to think of what to say very stressful, but in this case, she felt it was necessary.

Her preceptor had returned this week. She was happy to see that it did not seem to have affected Fujino-sensei much professionally. Nina had even been a bit excited for her return until Wednesday happened. At the end of her fourth year, a few months from completion when she should need no assistance, and her preceptor had decided to sit in on one of her cases. The woman had just stayed calmly beside her as if it wasn't unusual that she was there at all. It was making her absolutely paranoid. Why? It was all she could think about for the last few days. Why? What mistake had she made? Did her father know? Why? Had he and Fujino-sensei spoken? Was she in trouble? Why had it seemed like the OR room was continuously shrinking for the entirety of those three hours? And why had her Sensei only smiled at the end, told her that she'd done an excellent job? Why? It was completely baffling. She'd tried to explain the gravity of the situation to Erstin, but her friend just did not understand. She had, in fact, suggested that maybe Fujino-sensei only wanted to spend some more time with her before she finished her Residency.

She ran through the park at a faster pace than she normally would, her mind traveling at the same speed as her feet. Suddenly aggravation crept up on her as her thoughts shifted. Why had she thought coming to this particular park was a good idea? The patient she'd never been able to get out of her head, the man with the broken hand, she kept seeing him here. She'd felt some strange pull to him from the moment they'd spoken before his surgery, eyelashes that were long for a man as they fell to cover those sad brown eyes. Arika had noticed that she checked on him more than she needed to while he was recovering in the Post-Anesthesia Care Unit.

She was unhappy with herself over her fascination with him. It was unprofessional. She realized that when she saw the giddy pleasure on Arika's face. It was unprofessional of her to still think of him, to still wonder after him… to still be excited every time she'd see him in this park. It was unprofessional of her to make eye contact briefly when she passed him sitting on the bench, sipping his water after his own run, unprofessional of her to notice that he kept himself in shape, that he had no ring on his finger. It was unprofessional even if he was not her patient any longer because she should never have noticed how handsome he was in the first place, should never have wanted to spend any additional time with him, should never have wanted to do anything to ease that sadness.

It had been over a week now and that was the longest stretch they'd gone without incidentally seeing one another since his surgery. He'd disappeared. Nina was annoyed at herself for thinking of him again as she ran along the dirt paths, tried instead to focus on all the beautiful blooming plants that lined the park.

Nina had no time to think of relationships or men. She hadn't graduated, she hadn't secured a job, hadn't proven herself to Fujino-sensei or her father… or the world for that matter.

 **Aside #26: Angles and Angels** _(Conversation)_

Alyssa was standing in line at the register, eagerly anticipating the first bite of the pastry held in her hand and sipping at the lemon-flavored drink as she waited. Last week had been tough for everyone and she deserved a bit of sugary pleasure. It was Tuesday and her sister likely would not be done with patients for another hour. She planned to spend that hour sketching and picking at her dessert. She very much doubted the pastry would make it past the first quarter of the hour, but she'd try to stretch it out.

As she took another sip, she noticed a familiar figure pass by. So curious was she, that it took her a moment to register the cashier was speaking to her. She smiled politely, handing over the requested amount and declining a receipt. Wrapping the pastry in its wax paper bag, she slung her bag around to tuck it safely inside and moved down the hall she'd seen the woman walk down a moment before.

To her surprise, the figure entered the hospital chapel, which if she had to venture a guess as to where that particular person was going, would have been low on her list. She stood outside the door for a moment, looking at the stained-glass window beside it. Alyssa had never been religious. Her father had told her once that believing in God was equivalent to believing in magical elves. Then there was Miyu and her brothers, they had lived with a Catholic priest until they were hired on and came to live with the Searrs' in their guesthouse. She had never asked why Miyu had lived there. As a child, she had just accepted it was so, but now it seemed strange that she did not know why. Her nanny had never spoken about religion to her, but she wore a cross like Nao's.

Though Alyssa never went to church or underwent any religious education, religion was an interesting concept to her…exotic almost… like a food she'd never tried. To believe in something so strongly, absolute faith, it was not something she'd experienced, but it seemed to make those who had it quite happy. The young blonde had always been incurably fascinated by that which others found beautiful or impactful. She touched the colorful panes and then drew her hand away, unsure whether or not that was an acceptable thing to do.

With a deep breath in, she stepped through the doors and peered around the corner. Nao was sitting on one of the pews, praying it looked like. She wondered if she should leave, but with everything that had happened and finding the woman here, she was worried. There was a nun sitting beside her, praying as well. It was one of the most unexpected sights she'd ever laid eyes on. After a few more moments, the nun departed. She bit at the nail of her thumb before walking up and taking the now empty seat.

"Hi."

Green eyes opened, surprised, and then subdued. "What are you doing here?"

"I saw you come in. I was at the shop near the entrance."

"You followed me?"

"I was worried."

Her gaze was fixed straight ahead. "Don't be."

Alyssa was not entirely sure what to say and opted for something light-hearted. "You're in a chapel though."

"Good point kid." A slight smirk. "You do any more strategizing?"

Nao was speaking about her plans for the trip to England. The younger woman had revealed that in addition to celebrating her birthday with her mom and dad, she intended to tell him she wanted to remain in Japan. It was not going to go well, that much Alyssa knew going in. "I think I have an angle."

A slow swivel of her head toward the speaker. "An angle?"

Alyssa flipped her backpack around and pulled a document from the front pocket, her bracelets clacking loudly in the almost silent church. "I've been looking at the contract," She had dropped her voice to a near whisper.

"He had you sign a damn contract?"

She unfolded the papers on her lap. "A family contract. We do that."

Nao released a laugh that was more a scoff. "That's fucking crazy."

Blonde hair shrouded her face as she read through the section she'd found again. "I was reading it again and it says," Her finger followed the lines of text. _**" 'Upon graduation, the signee will return to England. Signee will then attend top-ranking college until such time as a graduate-level degree in Business Administration has been attained.' "**_

She handed the contract to the woman beside her who'd gotten the basic gist of her words only and scanned through the document blank-faced. "It's goddamn notarized? You signed this?"

"I had to if I wanted to come here, Nao. It doesn't say how long I have to be back for or that the college has to be in England or which college it has to be, just that I have to return first. I could do that for some of the Summer." There was a touch of excitement in her words. "I'd be back in the Fall!"

Light green eyes bounced across the paragraphs, unable to make heads or tails of the legal English jargon. Instead, she went with the fact that they were even talking about this at all as evidence it couldn't be a simple problem. "It's probably implied you'd stay, kid."

"Yes, but I think there's a... ** _loophole_**...a way around it. As long as I do business and go home this summer, I could go to one of the three colleges I was accepted to here without breaking the contract."

A look of genuine surprise. "You already got accepted? When the hell did that happen?"

"I sent them in months ago, waiting to hear from two more. I know my dad, I had to have an argument. I also had Akira drive me down to tour the facilities in Japan owned by SEARRS."

"Does Kuga know about this?"

"No. I didn't wanna get her hopes up until I knew. Plus, she'd be mad about that contract. She and dad don't get along well."

"She _would_ be pissed." Nao agreed, lifting her arms and crossing them behind her head. "I still don't get why you want me to pretend to be your assistant."

"Moral support, plus…well…you can be a bit scary."

A dry laugh. "I get one of those fried candy bar things after though right?"

" _ **Fried Mars bar**_? Absolutely." Alyssa was rather excited for one herself, though she needed to make sure they set aside some time for recovery afterward. "Wanna go suit shopping with me tonight?"

Nao gave a disinterested shrug. "Nothing better to do."

Alyssa's eyes lifted, caught by what still rested in the other woman's grip, now hanging by her shoulder. "What are those for?"

Her redheaded turned to the side to look at the object held in her hand. "The rosary beads?" A nod. "Hell, I don't remember any more except you pray with them. A nun gave them to me."

"The one that was talking to you earlier?"

"Surprising I'm sure, but she's the only nun I know."

Blue eyes roamed over the black shining beads as they passed thoughtlessly through delicate-looking hands. "Do they give them out to everyone?"

An eyebrow popped up. "What, like a Catholic lei?" The girl smiled through her embarrassment, a little shrug. "No. Guess you never went to church back in England."

She shook her head. "My dad doesn't believe in it. He thinks Religion of any kind is a lie."

Nao relaxed her arms down atop the backrest again, lips in a straight line. "Smart guy. They were for my mom, she believes…believed in this stuff."

Alyssa turned sideways in the pew, drawing her legs up to sit cross-legged. "Is that why you're here?" There was such obvious interest on the girl's face, such naked concern, it made her hold back the retort that bubbled up. Pushing Natsuki away was one thing, pushing Alyssa away felt wrong. It annoyed her because very little ever felt wrong to her. She didn't like the feeling.

"I don't care about God if that's what you're asking. I guess I still come here 'cause she can't anymore."

The blonde waited a few moments before speaking. "I always thought it would be nice if some of it was true." She spoke quietly.

"Nice?"

"Souls and all that, nice to believe in something that much. Nice to think we'll all be floating around up there." Her neck tilted back and she looked at the wood beams that lined the ceiling.

A familiar smirk pulled up one corner of lips. "Not all of us, kid."

Alyssa shook her head. "It's better than thinking we all disappear, isn't it?"

"For someone who doesn't believe, you sure as hell talk like you do."

"I don't know what's true. I always thought the idea of angels was kind of… beautiful. Like a piece of a person that never leaves, like the love stays around."

Nao was silent for some time, eyes locked on the large crucifix that hung behind the pulpit, a colorful quilt intended to mimic bursting rays of light was mounted behind as a backdrop. Her arms were still draped over the back of the pew and her foot, where it dangled in the air due to her legs being crossed, flicked restlessly. Her right arm was itching to fall onto the younger woman's shoulder, but Nao kept it still.

When the redhead did speak, it had nothing to do with their prior conversation. "So, what the hell do you think _**LesBeyoncé** _and _**Gay-Z**_ are gonna do with the house all to themselves for two weeks?"

Alyssa pulled away from the half-embrace to stare at the woman, aghast and trying desperately not to think it was funny. "Nao, that's so goddamn bad. Nat would kill you."

The listener did not seem the least bit concerned about the possibility. "One, I'd kill her first, two it's that damn music of yours, and three watch your mouth." She pointed to the ceiling. "He's listening."

Alyssa rolled her eyes and then smirked, nudging the other woman as she sat correctly. "Coming from you," The comment was met with a shrug. "Okay, which one's which?"


	27. Inhibition, Edward, and the Boy

**Narrative #27: Imbibition and Inhibitions  
Date: April 4th, 2014 … a Friday**

I had come to the conclusion that I was unused to dating. This was not something I'd truly given thought to until we'd started this. My love life for years had been empty, but significantly less complex. Giving a name to my prior experiences was difficult. I suppose seduction or courtship, something removed from the process of getting to know the other person, of letting them know you because of an inexplicable yet impossible to ignore drive to do so. Not a single part of this felt empty, the emotions her presence provoked… my thoughts… my body at times… each had felt swollen to bursting. There were rare occasions, very recent occasions, where all three had felt that way at the same moment. Those were certainly the most trying.

What we were making, I knew it would be fraught with fresh experience for me. The meeting of one another's friends, a continuation of the types of private conversation we'd shared, and quiet evenings spent in each other's company. It would mean that the unzipping of myself she'd witnessed already, I would need to find a way to allow such things before it came to the point where I lost my choice.

Kissing in nooks and beds and inside offices, touches over clothes and the feel of her pressed against me was so...different. To focus on those actions as experiences in and of themselves, not a means to an end, it was so outside of what I had allowed before, what had been allowed to me. All of this was so new a feeling, to be concerned with bettering myself for the sake of another…to even consider that the person I wished to be was something I could attain. It was all as novel as her acceptance of this. Obvious feelings rather than hints that required interpretation, and to have all of that be outside of any sort of blind adoration; it was difficult to put my finger on why that made such a difference.

Although the very notion of all of this was outside of everything else in its uniqueness, still my mind gave me no option in its comparison to what I had before. With the girl I believed I loved though, even the similarities were only vague connections. The break between Natsuki and her, what separated them so drastically was willingness. That willingness though, I was afraid to test its limits. I was afraid to start anything that I was not certain she wanted. The trouble with this approach, besides the protests my body would make, was that I was not always sure what she did want. I was not always sure that she knew herself. Hers was a language I was only in the very beginning stages of learning, but this was still a fresh thing. Hopefully, I would have time so long as my willpower did not crumble beneath her lips and fingers. I was beginning to see things in her…things that reminded me to pay attention to her reactions in this. Fearful, overwhelmed little gestures that though not refusals, were concerning. I had devoted myself to picking up on them, both because of their importance and because it distracted me from my struggles with having allowed such emotions to live inside me again in the first place.

In truth, I had been confused by the strength of my reactions to her for most of our knowing one another. I could not deny that it felt peaceful and powerful at once… the immersive warmth that hugged my skin, gentled me, and wakened me in her presence. Even if I could not fully comprehend its origin, what it even was, it nonetheless chased my guilt as though guarding me against it.

We had gone for dinner together tonight, out to a restaurant for the first time since we'd started this. I had learned several things on the most traditional of our dates yet. One was that Natsuki did not do particularly well with being hungry. Anxiousness that bordered on crankiness was entirely alleviated with the filling of her stomach. The second was that she was perturbed by the uneven trading of chivalries, by any perceived inequality between us. I was careful to let her hold the door for me sometimes, pay for things, never to assume that she would react to anything that would be perceived as doting as most women would. It made little difference to me and I cannot say that I did not enjoy being on the receiving end. In any case, I tended to find her quirks and eccentricities entirely endearing… this was no exception. The third and most interesting was that when stressed and half-starved by a busy day, it took little wine for her to feel its effects.

She had seemed distracted somehow all evening, most especially when quiet fell over us, but I had not pressed her, dismissing it as resultant of the strain of her work. That theory was furthered by her opening another bottle of wine upon arriving at her home. I was merely observing the progressive openness alcohol pulled from her with thinly veiled amusement as I sipped conservatively at my own. I fully intended to be the soberer of us two this time around. Her walk, her movements had become a little freer, though I was beginning to think they might turn clumsy by the time that glass was done.

After she had opened the wine, she'd announced that she'd not shown me the house as though I'd reprimanded her for it. The architecture, as well as the décor, was an interesting mash-up between a western-style and a Japanese style. She had told me the house originally belonged to her mother. It was quite a bit farther from the hospital than my own, thirty minutes or so, but worth it for the quiet of the surrounding area. Her whole house carried the marks of belonging to a woman who was not neat by nature but was attempting to correct herself. Overall things were in place, but whatever items she used: the remote control… a blanket… a cup… shoes…they remained where she left them.

Her bedroom was on the second floor of her home and it was our final stop. It suited her, this room. Large sliding glass doors looked out into the yard where she pointed out the plum tree, the shape of which I could barely discern through the falling dark. I found myself distracted by the things in this space that were clearly hers. There were various electronic gadgets, trinkets, and a plush pet bed that matched the color of her own bedding. On a shelf was a stuffed puppy that looked well-used, one of the long, squat dogs. Its black plastic eyes were somehow sad. Next to it was a picture of a woman who much resembled Natsuki (with the exception of her glasses), eyes closed as she rested a hand on the head of a child in pigtails smiling at her. It must have been her mother and I found myself overcome with a yearning to see such a wide smile on Natsuki's face again. _A foolish thought_. Beside it, sat a picture of the sisters. Alyssa was barely more than a baby in the photo but distinguishable by her blonde hair.

I resisted the urge to go and take a closer look as I had not been invited to do so. For some reason, the idea of being in a space that was hers, the experience of it kept filling me with curiosity, questions. She seemed to enjoy the color blue, a rather specific shade of it that matched the very particular blue, almost indigo of dying sunlight. Even with the dark accents, it was clear that this space belonged to a woman. It was not overtly girlish, yet like her, it could not hide its femininity. The items that were not strictly utilitarian…the large closet, the throw pillows, the softness of certain things…they gave her away.

She placed her wine glass on the nightstand and hopped up onto her bed, back propped against her headboard.

"That's my house." I took that to mean the tour was over.

"Ookini, for showing me."

She shrugged and rested her extended arms on her bent knees. As she did so, a strange shuffling noise began. Her dog surprised me by crawling from beneath the bed and jumping up to claim a spot beside her, eyes following me. He was not yet completely comfortable with me and this was the first he'd seen of me in a space he likely thought of as his. Fingers immediately fell to his back, trailing through orange fur as she gazed at him with unmasked affection. _That it was me she was touching, looking so lovingly at_ and I was jealous of a dog. Perhaps the wine was beginning to affect me as well. I crossed my arms attempting to ascertain if this meant we would stay here for the remainder of the evening and what, if anything, that meant to her.

Slowly her head drew upward. "You can sit, Shizuru."

"Natsuki is inviting me into her bed?"

The light color on her cheeks was accompanied by a raised eyebrow. "I've been in yours enough times." She said.

I smiled in surprise at the response and placed myself down beside her, observing me as she sipped at her wine. Her eyes acquired that speculative look that had taken them intermittently on our dinner tonight. I had thought perhaps, it was exhaustion but now I was not sure.

It seemed worth asking at this point. "Is there something on your mind tonight?"

A visible startle at my voice because she was distracted. "Not really."

"You seem to be caught in your thoughts." She rubbed at her neck slowly, squeezing, and gazed at me with odd helplessness. I gave her a soft smile, confused, and growing concerned. "I would be happy to listen if there is something you wish to say."

She tapped her nails lightly on the glass in her hand and took a rather large sip. Placing her wine down, she draped her arms back over her knees and turned to look at me. Her behavior had made me somewhat unsettled. "I read your dad's letter. A couple of times."

Her unease was explained, and the admission augmented my own. "Did you?"

A slow blink and her dangling fingers curled. "I don't wanna make you talk about this again."

"It would not be making me. I asked you to read it, Natsuki." She sighed, her body shifting. "Please."

Fingers hung from her hands as she studied her nails for a moment more, before turning to look at me. "I get what he was trying to say and I get that people feel the way he used to or your mom does. I understand that this stuff happens." I nodded, waiting. "But I don't like it. I can't not get angry. The whole situation gets under my skin." She closed her eyes for a moment and then looked toward me, maybe for a reaction, which I did not have. The idea that something unjust had been done to me, it was still a concept that I could not feel the truth of. At least not in the way that she did.

I wondered if it was not the closeness of it? To know that things occur and to see them was quite different. "Because it is firsthand perhaps?"

There was an almost imperceptible shake of her head and she rested it backward, fingers rubbing.

When she spoke, it was with her eyes held closed and voice low. "No. Because it's you." I did not know what to say in response.

"Natsuki," My sharing my past with her had made that helplessness. It was not what I wanted to come of this, not to give her my guilt such that she could make it her own. She sighed, looking at my face, a bit of sadness in her eyes. My chest tightening, I forced a bit of honesty from beneath my unease. "Simply the fact that you can accept this from me, it matters more than you might realize."

Her upset at my answer caught me off guard, her shifting jaw. "That's not how I want you to feel."

The frown on my face, it had broken through so easily that I was embarrassed. "What is it that you wish to be different?"

She seemed the tiniest bit frustrated as she closed her eyes, searched for her words and I tried to dissect what in my own had been unappealing to her.

When she opened them, they fixed on me. "It's not me _accepting_ it from you." I had pricked that devotion to equity again, perhaps? "It's not how I see this." I smiled at nothing, at the air really because something about her saying that to me was twisting at my insides.

It took me a moment to recover myself. "Kanin-na, but my words have been lost in the wine. I am not expressing my gratitude with the eloquence I had hoped to. That is all I meant."

She was clearly puzzled and still not entirely satisfied with my explanation. "I didn't do anything."

"I would have to disagree." Not just with her previous statement, but with her notion that we were on some level ground with one another. We were not equal in this as far as I could see, she had given me so much more.

Leaning forward, taking her hand, I moved to place a delicate kiss on her forehead. I was unsure when she reached up and stopped me. With soft palms on my cheek and neck, she brought my face to hers instead, stared at me hard, and kissed me. Something new was plucking at the edges of that kiss as if she were making a point I did not entirely grasp but felt grabbing at the edge of my consciousness. As she pulled away she slid down onto her back, bending her knees and resting her hands on her stomach, looking lost, a bit confused and captured by thoughts I again, could not guess at. Nervous at her response, I moved to lay next to her on my side, eyes resting on the fabric that stretched between us.

"It's quiet with Alyssa gone." She spoke suddenly. "And Nao."

The non-sequitur threw me. "Does Natsuki miss them perhaps?"

Her eyebrows drew together. "They're coming back."

I smiled at her resistance to the idea, then something occurred to me. "Does Nao-han live with you as well?"

"Practically." Mai-han and Nao-han, two close friends whose opinions I needed to concern myself with. One, I knew was happy for us and the other I did not really know at all. I could sense though, that she would be unimpressed by any attempt to impress. "You've been around the OR more lately." Another change of topic.

"I have, yes. I've been getting to know the first and second years a bit better. The research made that difficult."

I tucked my hands beneath my head to stop them from walking their way over to her. The wine definitely was beginning to affect my thoughts, beginning to whisper that ideas of shaky soundness might just be worth the risk. I attempted to smother my unproductive mind by listening to her breathing.

"We have our hallway talks again."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Our hallway talks?"

She rolled over to take a sip of wine and then returned to her back. "When I started, you used to talk to me in the hallway outside the rooms whenever you saw me."

I laughed. "Did Natsuki think me crazy I wonder?"

Her smile came at the comment. "Strange, but not crazy. I didn't understand why you kept talking to me."

I would have likely thought the same thing if some woman followed me around forcing me into conversations the way I had her… or no… I would have found it intriguing, most especially if the woman were anywhere near as attractive as Natsuki. However, I recognized that would not be her reaction and it made sense that being who she was, she would feel that way.

"It must be much less of a mystery now." I felt embarrassed for myself. "Perhaps you even see right through me at this point."

She rolled her eyes. "Nobody sees right through you, Shizuru. You still have plenty of damn mystery." I was not entirely sure how to take that remark, but it pleased me to think I had not become completely transparent. There were a great many thoughts in my head I wished to keep to myself. "When are you gonna show me that coin trick?"

I gave her a wide smile, closing my eyes. "Do you not believe in the sanctity of a magician's secrets?"

"A magician." Her dry tone made me open them if only to see the unmoved frown on her lips.

"Natsuki is one herself, is she not? She did make that cake disappear with impressive speed." I freed one of my hands to tap my chin thoughtfully.

Her scowl deepened. "It's your fault. I can't keep eating like this."

I feigned offense. "An unfounded accusation, I think."

"You gave me two chocolate desserts this week. Two." She showed me the same number of fingers; repetition of her repetition in case I was unsure.

"Natsuki enjoys them. Does she not?" I knew she did, had lost myself momentarily in the voyeuristic pleasure of watching her consume the cake this evening.

"It's enablement. It'll ruin my body." That was both the most girlish and the vainest thing I had yet heard from her. It was comforting to know that she was satisfied with her body as it was. Not so much because she was slender, but because she was happy with its size and she said so few complimentary things about herself.

"I suppose it would be a shame to destroy such a work of art, most especially before I've had the chance to appreciate it properly." _A shame indeed._

An unexpected smirk. "So shallow."

 _Shallow?_ It was obviously a joke, a well-timed one in fact, a playful one, which was welcome. One good turn deserved another though. "I find it fascinating that this is the part of my statement you take issue with."

A clearing of her throat. "Yeah, well."

I opted to save her with a touch of honesty "The truth is that I do not think you could eat enough chocolate cake to make yourself unattractive to me even if you devoted yourself to the goal." That I was sure of but given her feelings about her body as it was, I could not imagine her taking it well were she ever to gain a significant amount of weight. It was impossible to picture really.

"There's a lot of chocolate cake out there, Shizuru."

I smiled brightly at her. "You would likely make yourself ill first. Besides which, it would simply be more of you to appreciate. Would it not?"

Her discomfort with the idea was quite obvious. As we lay there together, I found my mind wandering. It was not to the place it usually went in her presence though. It imagined the nights she slept in this very spot, the many dreams that must've filled her head. The occasion did not often arise where I could hear about the dreams of others and to ask after hers was the first question that came to my mind. Because my own ran from me, I found dreams especially interesting and hers, my longing to know them was unusually strong. What I would do with knowing them? How it could help anything, I could not see. It was possible that it was only a strong curiosity that drove me to ask.

"Will you tell me of a dream you had recently?"

Her gaze was curious as it turned to me. "Why?"

"Because I do not remember my own. It is interesting to hear what they might be like." I watched her as I said this.

Her eyebrows crowded together. "You never remember?"

"I do not," I confirmed.

She looked away. "I don't think I dream like other people."

"Why is that?"

"I've heard other people talk about theirs."

"I have no basis for comparison, but dreams are supposed to carry symbolism. A metaphor made in sleep, no?"

She frowned. "Jesus, I hope not."

I smiled, closing my eyes, noticing the subtle scent of her shampoo permeating the pillow. "Are they that unusual?"

"I don't know."

"Please, I would like to hear one."

She thought it over for a moment, and then that voice. It was an experience with my eyes closed, no other senses and I could concentrate on it fully. "I had one two nights ago."

"Mm?"

"I was in this baseball field with Nao." I nodded, not all that odd at the beginning. "And she was running a hot dog stand and there was no one there. She told me I was wasting my life as a surgeon and that all the money was in hot dog sales. So, I pointed at the empty field and then these kids…" She paused, shaking her head at herself. "They just burst up out of the goddamn ground with money in their hand, just these dirt-covered children and they all ran to buy all the hotdogs." Dreams really were incredibly bizarre things. It made me wonder if I would really want to know my own. There was at least one that I still wished I could recall, although such a thing would not be particularly helpful given my current situation. "Nao was just smirking at me with these fistfuls of dirt and money. What is that supposed to even mean?"

"Honestly," I opened my eyes and stared at the bedspread, considering what hidden meaning could be woven inside such a scenario. It was a fruitless endeavor. "I haven't the slightest idea."

She leaned over and sipped her wine again, before returning to her position. "I never dream about the things I want to."

The comment piqued my interest. "What would you want to dream?" I wondered if she'd truly tell me such a thing. _Were it anything I could possibly give her_ … and that was too much to hope for? The whim kept returning to me though, a need to provide her with something, anything that would even begin to approach what she had done for me already.

She rested a hand across her covered abdomen and tapped her fingers while she thought. It sounded almost like a drum. "I guess what Alyssa draws."

That was certainly not anything I could assist with. "Natsuki wishes to be a superhero?"

"No, but it would be a reason why I'm here and everybody else is over there." She placed her hands far apart to demonstrate. She turned her eyes to me, frowning, and then returning them to her stomach.

Even if it saddened me that she felt that way, it was a feeling I could relate to albeit for different reasons. _Inalterable separateness_. "That is something I can understand."

We exchanged a look that told me she appreciated the sentiment. I continued to watch her even after her gaze left mine, observing her movements and face. The wine was most definitely affecting her and did not know whether or not I should concern myself with that. Not in the sense of intervening, but in the sense of shoring up my own defenses.

Rolling over onto her side, she grabbed her wine again and then half-sat up, balanced on an elbow. She held the glass up to the light, concentrating while it ran from the bowl. Her face acquired an almost philosophical look as she did this. "What do you taste in this?"

"The wine?" The question required some consideration. She swirled hers again as she nodded, bringing her nose to it. I sat up to take my glass and another sip thinking on the flavor. It was rather strong wine, not unpleasant but the alcohol was definitely there. "I suppose tannins...a touch of dark fruit perhaps?"

"Like cherries…and leather," She commented. A strange description, but those seemed prevalent with lovers of wine. I did not know that I would ever describe something I was drinking as tasting of leather, at least not if I were enjoying it, but I could see what she meant. She placed the now empty glass on the table and propped her body back against the headboard. I finished the small amount left in my own.

I rested against the headboard, selfishly moving a little closer, legs once again tucked beneath me. "It does stay with you a bit."

"It's good, but heavy." Her head tipped back against wood as her eyes slipped closed. "It's making me think too much." She said as though that were enough information, as though what she meant should be self-evident. I wondered if she was just hazy, or if she was being deliberately vague.

Those beautiful green eyes, when she turned them on me, were undeniably fixing on my mouth. I smiled and noticed her pupils change size. The intensity of her gaze almost made me hesitate in saying what I did next.

"Will you not share those thoughts?"

I was shocked when she reached up slowly, but without hesitance. Her fingers touched my lips, rested there. It was apparent that she hadn't the slightest clue what that would do to me. "That Mai was right." The pronouncement was coupled with a rather serious look.

"About what was she correct Natsuki?" I asked gently, forcibly swallowing my reactions, yet curious…both for her answer and for the reason behind her rather intimate touch. Her eyes fell with more obviousness than before to my mouth as she traced my bottom lip with two fingertips, their path winding me tighter.

"Your lips." I felt both of my eyebrows began a slow upward climb, surprised that I had any surprise left in me.

 _Poor Mai-han._ Between Reito and Natsuki, all her secrets were being revealed. There was no questioning what I could see in her eyes now. It was definite interest mixing with that same confusion from before, as if my mouth were some inscrutably appealing object presented for study. Her daze was thickening the air between us or at least the air in my lungs. With not enough oxygen to my brain, the wine and the warmth of her swirled to fill the ether.

"And what did Mai-han say about my lips?" I kept them parted after I spoke, let the weight of her hand and the angle of my head push the tip of her finger between my top and bottom lip. Allowing her to wreak such havoc with my senses and not retaliating in the slightest, was too much to ask. I was not strong enough for such a thing.

"That you'd be a good kisser because of how they," And had I really just slid her fingertip into my mouth? I could not help myself. _I could_. I was not. "Curl." It was said quietly with a look of fascinated perplexity, an unusual combination, but delicious on her.

Tongue and gentled lips along her skin and her eyes widened, body stiffened. She was staring at my mouth even more intently, a touch of bewilderment now. No fear though, and I wondered at her not having taken her finger away from me. That wine was most definitely having its way with her and I was not far behind.

"I am inclined to think Mai-han did not intend for me to know that," I spoke around the tip of her finger as I drew back, willing my eyes to stay open. I wanted to close them, to focus on each bit of this but was waiting for the retreat that felt inevitable.

With her watching me the way that she was though at the current moment, with the way that it felt for me, to halt myself completely, without the prompting needed by some show of discomfort from her? It was bordering on impossible. So, I continued my surrender to folly, followed the length of her finger with lingering languid kisses. If I was permitted to love even this small bit of her, I intended to love it well. _Such flawed logic._ I was taking advantage, reason clouded by how deeply alluring I found her, swimming in attraction and alcohol. She had put her finger there, was it not partly her own… _no..._ that was because she was slightly intoxicated and likely did not realize what she was doing. I did, even if I was a bit tipsy. I should be acting more responsibly, yet I could not seem to stop myself.

"Should I take that to mean that Na-tsu-ki is satisfied with my kisses?" The change in my tone was evident and smacked of danger as it rang in my head.

 _This woman._ She stroked my desires to a burn without any intention to do so, stroked them as my voice stroked her name, stroked them as my lips were still stroking her finger in a pantomime of the effect she had on me. It was concerning for what might happen if she ever purposefully attempted to excite me, committed to it. The two of us alone, the tension born of feeling that I so desperately wanted to give physical expression to. It made me ache to kiss her, touch her, taste more of her. I should be paying attention to the feeling of this before it ceased, savoring every wonderful bit of it.

Such thinking reinforced what I already knew though, that I could not be the one to decide when was the right time for us to take things further. I did not have any sense as far as such activities were concerned, did not even have the sense to stop my mouth from continuing its attention. I absolutely needed to leave her finger alone, but instead, a tiny flick of my tongue against her skin, the lightest nibbling kiss, and my eyelids slipped shut.

"Oi," Mystification in a single syllable and I did not know whether I had offended her, but still, she had not pulled away. I forced my eyes open and hers were still fixed on my mouth, breath expelled through her nose and I released her. She drew her hand back, a deep blush blooming on her cheeks.

My neck was just as hot, so much of me was just as hot. _So brainless a decision,_ but I had been able to touch so little of her thus far. That was only an excuse, wasn't it? The trouble continued to be that one of the few areas in my life where I felt completely confident was also the area I thought I needed to be the most careful with. Whatever my feelings on what stretches of my past did and did not belong to me, it was undeniable that I had weaknesses in spades. Some of them were more a condition of my nature, unfixable things where strictly enforced control was the only hope. The continuous yearning for sensual pleasure inside me, the deep sense of peace I found in it, that was one such thing. Sex and Natsuki, two things that I cherished. To put them together would only be natural… _no. Ara, my mind was sneaky tonight._

She had as little luck controlling the redness of her cheeks, as I did my thoughts. I considered whether or not I should apologize, whether or not I had crossed a line with her. Her dog sent a salty look at us both and relocated to the end of the bed.

"This wine is knocking me on my ass." It was said almost to herself, but she was looking directly at me, into me as she slid down the mattress on to her back, rubbed at her face lightly.

I smiled at both the absurdity and the frustration of this, as I joined her in reclining. We could not do this right now, not with her like this. She could not make an unclouded choice, it would not be right. Perhaps I should have maintained the no alcohol rule until such time as we were actively sleeping together? It was a thought, which sounded presumptuous in my head. It was a part of dating, it was a healthy assumption. Why did it evoke such reservations then? I felt my eyes widen when her foot glided along my leg. That she had turned on her side somehow and her repeating the movement immediately after, both knocked me from my thoughts.

"Does Natsuki find something intriguing about my calves?" My own voice, it was losing a bit of its firmness.

"They're so smooth." I was relieved to hear no trace of upset.

A bit of mirth to ease my tension. "I must confess, it is deliberate." The fact that she had elected to intertwine her leg with my own was not helping my situation. I attempted to ignore the sensation even though it was waking all my nerve endings.

"Wiseass." It was certainly a change from 'idiot' in any case.

"Now I am shallow, an enabler, and a wiseass? Natsuki is not very complimentary tonight."

Her head lifted, rested on her arm. That smile was there, unconstrained and all of it caught me by surprise. "You just said 'ass'."

 _I had, hadn't I?_ That did not mean I had to admit to it certainly. "I merely repeated a swear of yours. It does not count."

"It definitely counts."

A tap to her nose. "Natsuki's mouth must be influencing mine." I defended.

"Yours started this!" The comment was laced with indignation as she sat up a bit, moved away. I turned to lay on my side as well, gentling my face. It had the intended effect of getting her to relax, lay back down herself.

"I thought we had established that Natsuki liked my mouth?" Her response was unexpected, that she would lift herself up and move over me, that look of warning, quirked brow before her head dipped down.

And kissing her while she was laying on top of me was an entirely different experience. Warm skin and cool hair, soft and strong back, too much and not enough…all of these things at once, they clouded my mind. It quieted my thoughts though even as it excited my body. Where I expected her kisses to be less coordinated, they were only less reserved and I enjoyed the lack of any hesitance immensely even if it was born of stripped inhibitions. I justified allowing this by her initiation of it. Nonetheless, I knew that I was simply failing at controlling myself tonight. That was the truth pure and simple.

After she pulled away, she tucked her head beneath my chin and rested a hand across my stomach. I attempted to maintain some semblance of composure, hiding my desire for her with stillness. The only movement was my hand at her back. I could do nothing if I did not move. It was successful until I felt her press in close.

"You're wearing perfume." Her forehead was rested against my collarbone, each breath she released spreading over the skin of my chest, each word felt as well as heard.

I collected myself before answering. "I am."

"You don't usually."

"I suppose the hospital has broken the habit somewhat. Does it bother you?"

Silky hair brushed me lightly and more warm air skirting across the very tops of my breasts where my neckline began. "No. It suits you."

"I am glad Natsuki approves, but I will say that I do not think I have ever been sniffed before." She seemed mildly offended and I wrapped my arms around her, I did not want her to leave. I raised an eyebrow at her and brought my face to her jawline, feeling playful, and sniffed lightly at it. No perfume. The smell was too subtle, a scented lotion perhaps.

She cringed, a tiny, stifled laugh escaping. I was taken aback by the sound, so much so that I almost looked for another person in the room with us. "Oi! Don't."

I teased her lightly. "It is fair, is it not?"

She rubbed vigorously at where my nose had been. "It tickles."

"Natsuki is ticklish?"

I was receiving a very distrustful glare as she hovered above me. "You're not?"

"Not in the slightest." I had never been.

A skeptical scoff. "I don't believe you."

"You may test it if you'd like." I was such a fool sometimes. Inviting her to touch me was a mistake, ticklish or no.

She sat up, shocked me to immobility by freely touching my stomach over my clothes. Her mouth quirked in concentration as I pushed arms that wanted desperately to take advantage of this, against the duvet. I had not thought she would rise to the occasion, blush and reprimand me, yes, but this, certainly not.

"Don't hold it in." She warned, not even sparing a glance at my face.

Apparently, she decided that over my shirt was not enough of a test. She unbuttoned the last two, exposing a bit of my abdomen, which she stared at for some time. _This woman_. She then looked up, watched me with a sort of determined curiosity as she dragged fingers lightly over the skin there. I found it difficult to believe she was touching me like this. Soft, curving trails with blunted nails that did not tickle, but left tiny sparks in their wake. Winding paths across my sides and the bottom of my ribs, she suddenly stopped and I released a breath. She shrugged and flopped back down beside me while I focused on the ceiling. If I thought there was a chance she would forgive me for asking her to test more of my skin, specific bits of skin, I would have. How could she be so woefully unaware of her impact on me? On my body?

"What would happen if I touched your stomach like that?" I wondered aloud because I wished to.

"I'd shove you off me." An honest answer I supposed.

"Can you not be touched on your stomach at all then?" That would truly be a shame.

"It only tickles when it's a light touch." She said, trailing off as she realized what she was saying.

"Is that why you do not like it when I touch your neck?" I asked quietly.

"Who said I don't like that?" So, the goosebumps did not mean she was being tickled. They meant something else.

"Have I ever tickled you accidentally?"

"No, and don't." She was giving me a warning glare.

To soothe her and myself, I ran fingers through her hair, her body seemed to sink into mine in response. A question that had been gathering came back to me. While she was so open, I would pose it because I felt I needed to know the answer. "May I ask you something?"

"As long as it's not about tickling." She murmured against my skin.

"Is it strange for you at all that I smell of perfume and my legs are smooth?" _That I am a woman._ It was really what she meant by those things. Whether she realized that or not was another question. She had never been with another woman before and I wondered what she thought of it, of the more obvious differences.

"No." A decisive 'no' certainly, which comforted me, but I felt her frown against my chest.

What I did not think she understood in this, what I was just beginning to understand myself, was that what we had was new for me as well. To try and be with someone because I cared for them and to hold my desire because I was frightened that it was all I knew how to show…were both still a work in progress. How much I was suppressing, how hard she made it by touching me so casually… I did not think she was aware of that either. Her touches and kisses were pulling down my resistance brick by brick. Sooner or later I would push things because I was already slipping. I did not want to, but the ache she caused in me made it hard to stay my resolve.

Desire was such a part of how I related to others, such a part of me. It scared me to imagine that I would make her feel objectified…sexualized… because what I wanted was for her to feel content, loved. Those were the things I did not know how to do in this. I wanted to love her rightly, I wanted her to know that I did without me saying so because it dwelled in my touches, my words, my eyes. There were more selfish things there too, the desire to have that love, that desire returned, but that should be secondary. I wanted to love her irrespective of how she felt about me, I knew such a thought would bother her. It was not equal.

I ran hands through her hair again and she lifted her head. I looked up at her questioningly. "What is it?"

"The finger thing was definitely handsy, Shizuru."

A gave her a bit of confusion. "Kanin-na, but I did not even use my hands. Perhaps I misunderstood the definition of _handsy_?"

"It's not misunderstanding if you misunderstand on purpose."

"Did Natsuki not touch my lips first? It was incitement." I defended, knowing full well it was a stretch.

"Those rules weren't for me, Shizuru." I became slightly worried at her tone when her face betrayed a definite competitive streak. I made a note to challenge her only when I was sure I could handle the consequences, I had to be sure of their severity first though. She was studying me and then quite deliberately dipped her head. Lips were tracing along my neck and down to the part of my chest left exposed by my shirt. "But fine." That low voice against my skin and the weight of her; this was not fair slightest. It felt so very much like seduction.

My eyelids felt as though they had peeled back and taped open, the unexpectedness made my breath shake. My shirt was thankfully affording my top half some protection from her. The press of her torso on my bared stomach was distracting enough. The fabric held tight and blocked her advances. Cloth was not subject to the same frailty as my willpower.

"It seems you have been thwarted by your own objections to handsiness, no?" I said cheekily, attempting to maintain some semblance of the upper hand. The buttons provided a much-needed barrier as they would require fingers to undo. Inside, my heart was pounding. She must have noticed it, close as she was.

My fears became justified when she stared at my shirt like a child would a puzzle. There was not a word for what I felt when a decision flashed across her face and she popped open the first button with her teeth, as though practiced at such a thing.

"Natsuki, what are you doing?" She did not answer, and instead, she did it a second time and then again, undoing each of my buttons one by one.

There was a clear look of victory on her face and I was bursting with stupidity tonight. A well-wined Natsuki was incredibly destructive to my already questionable self-control. She was nosing open my shirt, hot breath on my skin, a bit of metal dragged across the tops of my breasts. _This was far too much… far far too much._ She stopped, lifted herself, and looked down at me, not my face but what she'd uncovered.

"Is this from that place downtown?" It took me a moment to understand. It took her fingers tracing the trim of my bra, which was distracting for obvious reasons. She was speaking of it like it were artwork, almost reverently. I was loosening at the edges.

Still, I gave her a confused smile, wondering how she could guess where it came from, interested that she appreciated it at all. "It is."

"The lacework is nice." She commented, still apparently ignorant of what the tips of fingers were causing with each slip from the fabric, each brush against my skin.

"Ookini." I was not sure whether I meant to call her attention or simply encourage her.

Either was wrong though because I should be slowing us down, not contemplating flipping us over and evening the score. This was not a game anymore, even if she was partly playing with me, even if the rules of the games had been abandoned entirely. I could not ask her to stop. I did not want it to stop, but the wine and how quickly it was all escalating...

"Natsuki I..." The words I held in were a plea, for what I did not know. I could feel my own rigidness, the unevenness of my breath, the internal conflict leaking out of the places I was trying to keep it.

She lifted her head after I'd spoken, gaze meeting mine with some indescribable emotion and we stared at one another. I could not calm myself. There was something slowly creeping into her eyes as she looked into mine, the playfulness melting away entirely...something that made her eyes darker. Her head dropped then and she looked away, body tightening, guarding itself. Concerned with what I'd made her think, I held her face and leaned up to kiss her. It was a soft kiss on my part, one not designed to heighten things or reignite them. All of my strength was spent on controlling myself as she relaxed down with me, her body heating the bared skin of my abdomen, still kissing but not deepening it so much that I would lose myself.

She laid down against me as we parted, rested a hand on my ribs, staring down at our feet, perhaps still sensing my ambivalence, perhaps growing tired. I touched her hair, blinking at the ceiling, closing my eyes when she began to still. Each breath from her warmed the tops of my breasts. I was all drumbeat heart. As I held her though, I was surprised by how quickly I calmed, at how easily the fears faded, leaving only trace amounts of desire. It seemed impossible that anything would be more powerful than the need for her that raced through me, but the warmth of her had pulled me through so much already. Perhaps it could guide me this way as well.

I had been able to slow things, after all, to constrain myself despite my desire for her. It was a victory, but that look in her eyes just before our last kiss... it had not felt entirely that way.

**Digression #27: Edward Searrs  
Date: March 24th, 2014… a Monday**

Edward Searrs was listening to his daughter and the woman she'd brought with her from his office chair. There were two things he was attempting to analyze. What was his daughter's purpose in setting up this meeting and what purpose did she intend the spitfire of a woman she'd brought with her to serve? They were outside his home office bantering softly in Japanese as they waited for him to bring them in. His daughter's grasp of the language had improved drastically. His office both at home and at work were designed with microphones in the waiting area. Some of his most valuable leverage had come from listening to competitors prep themselves. The subject had not drifted to Alyssa's intended purpose, rather it was about his other daughter.

His other daughter was continuing her unending quest to make herself completely unmarketable and effectively useless to his business interests. A woman, she was actually sleeping with another woman. He could not say it disgusted him, having seen a photo of the woman she was cavorting with. He could also not say that he blamed her. It was unexpected more than anything else. He kept underestimating her dedication to ruining herself as a potential resource for the company. A tattooed, pierced, antisocial, angry, ungrateful…lesbian of all things. He could think of no one less suited for any purpose in the business world.

Homosexuality was pointless to him in the sense that biologically speaking, it aborted any chance of genetic proliferation. Such a thing was the purest form of hedonism. He thought of hedonism as a forgivable pastime, but to invite it into your life permanently? That was genetic suicide. It was a deliberate surrender of one's only true chance at immortality. There were quite a few people who insisted on it regardless. He had accepted that many years ago and so, in typical fashion…he began to consider how such a choice could be useful to him.

A gay man, they had a type. When he came across a reasonably handsome, ambitious one with something to prove, no family or wife to hold him back, expensive yet tasteful fashion sense, willing to work absurd hours, willing to keep his preferences quiet even if it was betrayed by his affectations as long as the promise of financial reward remained...Edward was more than willing to hire the man. These types seemed to run in packs too, could recruit for him. They made excellent young executives, especially in an era where the ludicrousness of paternity leave was no longer recognized.

Lesbians though, it was every problem inherent in promoting a woman doubled. Only the few that had real drive, bordered on masculine in personality, were useful provided that did not translate into their physical appearance. They occasionally were useful as interns or lower-level managers but were nowhere near as valuable to his purposes as an unexpectedly commanding, effortlessly sensual woman whose compassion never extended beyond the bounds of convenience. He sought out women that other women did not like on instinct, that men wished to please despite her indifference. The type of woman that a man knew was unmarriageable was perfect, a notch on the bedpost so to speak. Most men, despite their attraction to these women, were innately and deeply threatened by them. Emasculation of an opponent was a useful skill, a desirable tool in his opinion though, so long as the woman did not reach too high, seek to unseat him. It was a delicate balance and when he found such a woman, he was certain to bring her with to every negotiation. It appeared as though Alyssa had found one such woman herself. A naturally attractive one at that, less sculpting required.

Edward did not consider his opinions prejudicial. He considered them to be prudent stereotypes. Most types of people had usefulness when inserted into the correct situation, but business required certain qualities. He had no moral objection to homosexuality, no moral objection to promiscuity either, no moral or cultural objections to women in positions of power. He despised religious zealots and small-minded people for their railing against such things. That was foolish, that it would be wrong because some imaginary deity or cultural standard proclaimed it was so. What of the various other deities that had proclaimed it sacred? What of the individual's duty to think for himself? Inventions of man… morality or rightness or God … they were all fallible. As such, they were subject to manipulation and interpretation. It was an illusion, like a moral obligation to anything but one's self. Such ideas were propagated by religion, by government, by those who would take what he'd earned or dare to tell him he should not have that which belonged to him. Man was the creator of his own destiny, his own future, virility, and intelligence, the only prerequisites for success. To allow yourself to be enslaved by that which you create was true insanity.

Maybe it was for that reason that he could not ever cast Natsuki off entirely. She was never supposed to be his legacy, just as Saeko was never supposed to be anything other than a pleasurable night. Natsuki had his blood though and with that came a feeling that made no sense to him, a desire to have her look at him as other children looked at their father, the way that Alyssa looked at him. She had absolutely refused the same way her mother had refused to bend to his wishes. Both Saeko and Natsuki defied him, created their own destiny. Though it aggravated him and necessitated their removal from his life, it was something he could respect in another. That must be why he kept an eye on her, helped her even though she did not know of it or would want it if she did, a sense of control over her. Even though Alyssa had far more valuable qualities as concerned the future of the SEARRS corporation… there would always be something of him in Natsuki. He could not fully ignore that. A piece of him unchangeably existed in her and she existed because he did, would not exist without him no matter how far she ran from that fact. His interest in his first daughter, his watching her … wondering after her unprompted baffled him at times. The image of those green eyes that were nothing of him, filled with anger… it was an explanation. Those eyes, how could they look at him with love when they were Saeko's? Too obvious a point of separation. He simply could not understand where such thoughts came from. Alyssa had her mother's eyes as well, but when they gazed at him he had no such whisperings in his mind.

It could be as simple as the fact that his angel loved her sister. It could be an osmotic sympathy because Alyssa was his weakness. Physically and mentally superior by design, unique by coincidence, but perfect. His golden angel was a legacy to be proud of. His wife was chosen only for the purpose of creating her, a model with an unusually sharp mind and a forgivable interest in the metaphysical and spiritual realms. It was never meant to be love. It was practically eugenics. All that it required was some laboratory assistance to ensure the blonde hair and blues eyes were passed on, recessive traits pulled from behind his more dominant genes. He humored his wife to some extent even though he thought it ridiculous, the crystals…the talk of spirits and self. Edward was perceptive enough to realize that provided with yoga instruction, a private chef, a room to paint in, and a spiritual teacher, his wife was content to produce him an heir. Given that which fed her happiness, she served her purpose and was pleasant to him in many ways. A trophy to show-off when he chose, a woman to satisfy him when he desired, a mother to his legacy, and Miyu to do the raising. His life had been exactly what he wished it to be, exactly what he chose and what made his own happiness, with the exception of Natsuki. Why did he keep thinking of that willful girl?

It was a gift really that she seemed content to toil away as a surgeon, content to keep their lives far apart. He never considered the idea of her taking a place in the company with any seriousness, but her closeness to Alyssa was a point to consider. When his angel took the reins at SEARRS, would she try to bring Natsuki into the fold? Would his resentful ingrate of a daughter even want that? Hopefully not, but it was a conversation that needed to be had eventually. Perhaps by then, the social climate of the country would provide him an opportunity to make something useful of her poor choices, or perhaps her little experiment in same love would fall by the wayside. If not, if Alyssa forced his hand or if social politics allowed, there was always the hope he could use her to present himself as a progressive and court some liberal investors. It was a worst-case scenario, a bit of a pipe dream. He would rather continue to deal with her from a distance.

In fairness, Natsuki had proved herself useful to him on more than one occasion. The latest was when her snooping hinted at the depth of Homura's insolence. Because of her assistance with uncovering the truth of HiME's misuse and more importantly because it had upset Alyssa, he'd had that dreadful woman who punched her taken care of. He intended harsher consequences, but she came from excellent stock herself. He'd been parried by political connections, which was annoying. If it had happened in England, there would have been no chance of such a thing, but it had not. Edward had only been able to remove the Marguerite woman, any additional retaliation blocked. He had decided that Smith was to handle the situation indefinitely. He would not be having some Japanese debutant upsetting his angel again with infantile tantrums. It was one thing to go after something you desired, it was quite another to forego intellectual discussion and strategy in favor of brute force. It showed a lack of intelligence, a lack of cunning, a lack of respect for the power of the human mind. It was unforgivable in its baseness. It would not occur again.

That whole HiME fiasco, so much money to clean all of it away, to spin it properly, to shift all the blame. At least a plan was in motion to deal with it. Smith continued to be invaluable to him. What Saeko or Iwasaka or whoever was responsible for his hire, had ever seen in that Homura character was beyond him. He was a rat-like man with rat-like dreams, escaping the maze and taking the cheese for himself, perhaps even throwing the cheese out entirely to watch the other rats tear themselves apart as they starved. It was pointless and absurd, but Homura had actually made a drug that worked. The man had also rendered it practically unusable as it was. The HiME name was completely sullied. Anything under that title would be impossible to market. There was also the entirely separate issue of the illegality of the testing and creation itself, falsified documents, confusing notes on the trials, incomplete exploration of the side effects…it was a can of worms he had no intention of opening…at least not yet. There were many things to be done first. With the potential for favorable publicity once the name was changed and vast market-cornering financial success, why let that be destroyed in the aftermath of the HiME debacle as well?

The hospital/pharmaceutical model was a small part of SEARRS' operations and specific to Japan, one of his first projects. Now there was potential for something more, the potential for his progeny to revamp the concept under his guidance. He was going to sell off Iwasaka Pharmaceutical beforehand, before the lawsuits. Preparations were already in the works for that. Iwasaka was, of course, not yet aware and believed the burying of Homura's accidental discovery was to protect their interests in chemotherapy manufacture. Edward would sell the pharmaceutical company and create another which could profit from a cure. Smith was in the process of collecting what they believed to be almost all of the samples Homura sent out, most before they ever reached their destination. First District Healthcare was to be bought out by a For-Profit Healthcare Conglomerate he was starting up, Artemis Healthcare. It would be established as a separate company. The connections between SEARRS and Artemis convoluted and difficult to uncover, just as First District had been. They would be listed as belonging to an imaginary venture capitalist he'd invented for such purposes… Schwartz.

Alyssa would be involved in the start-up. He would tell her they were considering buying the company once it was properly established, a perfect opportunity to show her how such things were done. Better to turn a profit simply through providing healthcare, utilize another less scrutinized laboratory to make the cure. They could compete directly with what was left of Iwasaka once he'd sold them. It was their own fault for overlooking all the misappropriated funds, all of Homura's tricks. Their financial suffering would no longer impact his company anyway, even if the impact would have been minimal to start with. HiME would be done over completely, a fresh start… a virgin venture. His advisors had dubbed it Project Otome.

He would have the hospitals under Artemis steer slowly away from specializing in cancer treatment. It was still big industry. It would need to be done very slowly, with a team that could advise him on maintaining high-profit margins, on which specialties and clinics were most lucrative. It would be quite a bit of work, years to set up completely. He was exploring new opportunities for it, plastic surgery was his initial thought. He was sending Smith to a meeting with a representative from Azurite Cosmetic Surgery Group in a month, information gathering. He would purchase the group with Artemis in another year or so. Alyssa would be involved in that as well. He intended to keep most of the underpinnings of these deals from his daughter for the time being. She would be learning only the basics of business, the framework. Once that was in place, he could introduce her to the more cut-throat aspects of the business world. The group practice was apparently the most esteemed in Japan. It just so happened that their lead surgeon, a woman by the name of Lu, employed that Marguerite girl. His move could be explained as coincidence, but it was not. It was deliberate and wonderfully calculated and when it was exploited, Marguerite would not see her long due consequences coming. People who did not consider all the angles, did not strategize, deserved what blind-siding came their way. They were no better than a willful child who squeezed his eyes shut to vanish that, which scared them.

Edward wondered if Alyssa suspected that he had wanted her to stay in Japan. He could think of no other reason for this meeting. The contract he had her sign was deliberately vague as a test, to see if she would find the holes in it. He hoped so. He could think of no better agent to have in the country than his flesh and blood, alongside Smith. Alyssa would be required to fly back for company meetings, certain holidays, visits, to report to him. He had worked out the details in his head already. He fully intended to make her negotiate for them, however, fully intended to pretend ignorance of the faultiness of their documented agreement. Negotiation was a crucial skill. He wanted to see how her mind worked. She was young still and inexperienced, but he had checked with the deans of several schools, knew she had applied to all the premier Universities in Japan. His daughter was also not aware of the large surprise party he had planned for her eighteenth birthday. a coming out, many people of importance and her friends and he had even found Miyu for her.

Enough thinking. He had his secretary bring in his daughter and the fireball. They took a seat across from him, Alyssa straight-faced and deceptively relaxed. It was quite a good imitation of calm. He was proud. The woman she'd brought with her was not acting, was legitimately relaxed, relaxed to the point of disinterest in fact as she adjusted well-chosen glasses that she clearly did not need. The negotiations began with his daughter submitting a list of the Universities she'd been accepted to, all of which were in Japan. She claimed to seek his counsel as to which one she should attend. A bold first move, but he respected that.

**Aside #27: The Boy She Once Knew**

Mai jumped about a mile when the bell to her shop rang and rather than cower behind the counter, Duran released a joyous yelp and charged for the door. She'd been watching him during the day, keeping him in the front part of the store, a small gate to hold him there. The gate was down now as she cleaned. With Alyssa gone, Natsuki had been a mess over the length of time Duran would be alone in the house. She'd volunteered to take him and keep him on the side patio of the restaurant, bring him something delicious now and again, if only to prevent any more wrinkles from forming in her friend's forehead.

The dog was leaping all over the man who must've seen him from the street, trembling and whining in his uncontainable excitement. "Yuuichi?"

"Hey, little guy! What are you here?" He was already kneeling, a smile on his face, scratching the dog's back while he weaved and tripped over himself, circling. The man seemed to remember himself and looked around nervously.

Mai understood, even though it saddened her as she walked through the side door. "She's not here. She won't be for another half hour."

Brown eyes lifted and two paws slapped onto his leg in objection to his shift in focus. "Ooph, hey Mai." Eying the animal with surprise, he scratched at his neck sheepishly. It reminded the woman of the boy she'd first met. "Guess he remembers me."

"Looks like he missed you too."

Mai was watching him as he rubbed at the excited dog. She and Natsuki had talked. Her friend had agreed, a bit of hurt in her eyes, that it should be Mai who reached out to him. Neither Yuuichi nor Natsuki had ever healed well from that break-up and to have her reach out when he was vulnerable, in a low place…it might just break what little was left for them. Mai had called the center two days after Nao had given her the number. The redhead had been anxious about it. She knew she had taken Natsuki's side albeit passively. She stopped calling him, texting him, let their friendship deteriorate. There seemed to be no resentment over that on his end, just guilt on hers.

He stood, taking a seat in one of the two chairs, the one Mikoto usually sat in when she fed the cats. Duran was immediately beneath it, tail flopping happily. "I got your messages." He slumped, legs spread and planted to hold him in his slouched position. Uncomfortable, he gazed at her only briefly.

She agonized over what to say. "I'm sorry, about what happened."

He was frowning. "Nao told you?"

Her face softened as she nodded and with no prompting whatsoever he remembered why he dated her in the first place. They sat beside one another awkwardly. "Come on. You know Nao doesn't keep secrets unless they're her own."

He stared at his hands for a moment, before running them through his hair. "I got something for Kuga. It came in the mail. No idea why. It was inside an envelope addressed to me."

The discussion she'd had with Natsuki fell away at his tone, his reluctance to see her. Even if Mai understood, something about the way he moved his mouth, the way he said _'no idea why_ ', it just grated on her. It was as if he felt like some higher power were conspiring to torture him. To be able to annoy her so easily, it was a talent almost. She paused a moment and then pushed out her words.

"You could give it to her."

"Just take it."

"I mean yeah I will, of course, I will, but…"

It was going to be one of those times that they did not see eye-to-eye. He could sense it already. She was going to do that pushy thing she did. He couldn't handle that right now.

"I don't want to see her again, okay? Not like this. Mai, just take it." The envelope was thrust toward her. Annoyed for herself and for Natsuki she took it, a pull to her top lip with teeth and a slow blink. "Don't give it to her until next week. I'm going on a trip. I don't want her to know I came around."

She dragged a hand through her hair, placing the oddly weighted envelope on the table and wondering what it was he was waiting for. "Yuuichi…"

"It was an outpatient thing. I didn't quit." He seemed so agitated and she wondered if it was worth trying to speak with him. They were still friends though, sort of. He'd been through a lot and by himself. The new scar on his hand reminded her of that. "I just needed some time away."

Away from his mother was what he didn't say. Her babying and fussing, it was too much. He was going camping with the Kendo captain. The man had invited him when they watched a game together two weeks ago. Time off was a non-issue as Shiho's obsessive and vindictive phone calls to his workplace had gotten him fired from his job.

Mai took a deep measured breath in, gentling her voice as the Shiba Inu leaped into his lap. "I wasn't going to ask about that."

"What then?" He asked, scratching the dog's back.

"I was gonna ask how you are, I guess. I know it's stupid." She gave him that embarrassed grin, the one that was shy and proud at once, as though a mix-up or misstep were an accomplishment.

He was quiet for a long time and she fell into watching him again, affection for him returning. Emotions like a yo-yo and it was always like that for the two of them. The way he leaned forward, the way his sleeves fell to his wrists, the way he always tried to be strong, it was all the boy she once knew, but he seemed faded somehow.

He wasn't strong anymore. His eyes were different, cracked and their light dimmed. His body too, it looked beaten down, almost fragile and she felt her irritation at his resistance to seeing Natsuki pass away. In a single moment, feelings shifted. She now wanted to fold him in her arms, did not know if she could stop herself from hugging him, touching him in some small way before he left. It would be proof that this shell of the person she knew had some solidity yet. He appeared to her like an abandoned little boy suddenly, lost and alone, the way he had when his father's drinking was at its worst, when only Natsuki knew of it.

They used to stay at school together for hours after the day ended, in the athletic fields or the woods and she would come by with Takumi if she didn't have to work… and Nao came too a year later. All of them out, pretending the same thing in different variations. Each one of them nurtured a lie in their hearts as they fed old papers and schoolwork to the fire-pit they'd built some way into the forest, that they had some normal home to go to, two adoring parents worrying after them. She remembered being so concerned that they would set the woods aflame, but never voiced her worry because something about that fire was magical to her. It was theirs. The memory was bittersweet and filled with flashes of the things they talked about, the time spent together paired with the pain of growing up in the way they did. They had shared so much back then and now they could share almost nothing. She could not tell him of her happiness or Natsuki's, could not really expect an answer to the question she'd asked.

"I don't even know." He said finally and shrugged. Yuuichi then rubbed at his short hair, agitatedly. "Goddamn it." A big sigh escaped as he stared at the cement, absently pulling at the softness of Duran's ear with his other hand. Mai decided that man needed a dog badly, something to love him unconditionally.

"You can come around." She paused there and redirected, chose her words. "I have him for the next two days. He's probably bored cooped up in here, ne? He never gets that excited to see me." Mai knew Natsuki well enough that she was sure the woman wouldn't mind. She would tell her, of course too...even if Tate had asked her not to.

The man smiled, tight and small at the dog he had come to think of as partly his own. Duran wasn't ever his though, even if he remembered carrying him in the pouch of his hoodie when he was just a puppy. The dog was Kuga's and it had been two years since he'd pulled on those velvet ears. Kuga…he had to stop thinking of her. Yuuichi never once thought he'd find someone who understood him as she did. He didn't bother to look for that again after they broke up. His needs had been simplified by the wounds of their split, pared down to their most basic form. It was the fact that even when he stripped his personal needs to the barest bone, everything had still fallen apart. He shoved his thoughts into as few quiet words as possible, unable to leave the redheaded woman without an answer of some kind.

"I just wanted something to work."


	28. Beach Party, Duran, and Mistake

**Narrative #28: A Beach Party  
Date: May 3rd, 2014 … a Saturday**

"You know it's Saturday, right?"

"It took me by surprise this morning, but yes." I could feel that I was smiling at Yohko as she counted a pile of used sponges. Wearing the OR mask did nothing to curb the tendency in me. "With Haruka gone, there is no one to cover Saturday. This was a special circumstance and I may yet survive it. Ookini, for the book, by the way."

"Did you read it already?" She asked interestedly.

"Yes, it was quite good. I finished it Friday."

"It came out a few years ago. Amazing."

I nodded. It was a deeply affecting story. We tended to have a similar taste in books, liked the same authors... a sort of love for melancholy tales with female leads. The book had been quite captivating. _A Woman on the Other Shore_ , even the title spoke to me.

"How is the Anesthesiology Department coping with the loss of Armitage?" Yohko continued, dropping the sponges into a biohazard bin.

"We are beginning to heal." I was oddly enough having the most trouble with it, although Nina Wang did seem especially affected as well. Still, it was odd to me that I could not say exactly what I missed when I could so effortlessly list several things that I did not.

"Did they fill her spot?" Woods asked, chiming in from her seat beside the arm extension of the operating table. A VIP had insisted upon having his carpal tunnel release on Saturday morning such that it did not interfere with his work schedule. The hospital was happy to oblige, of course.

"I believe they are considering one of the fourth years, Nina Wang." It would be an interesting dynamic, the two of us working alongside one another. I could not put my finger on a single thing we had in common with the exception of missing Haruka and for undoubtedly different reasons. Our disconnect did seem to extend even further than lack of similarity, into the realm of opposing personalities. This did not truly trouble me though. The worst I could imagine for us was a bit of awkwardness and that did not concern me.

"Good choice. Smart girl. I'm sure Wang-sensei has no objections." The surgeon added, a touch of playful sarcasm in her voice.

"I cannot imagine he would." I agreed cheerfully. "She does not finish her Residency for another few weeks."

"I heard Kuga's gonna be the new Trauma Attending and Kanzaki's going for chief." Woods threw in, clearly interested. There was a good deal of gossip flying around the hospital lately, it seemed. Traces of neither bitterness nor judgment appeared in her comments. It was not a job that she wanted. Irina Woods was quite content with her practice as it was.

"I've heard that too." The nurse confirmed.

I did not offer any thoughts even though I knew both rumors to be true because I preferred to listen rather than join in on such conversations. Reito had called me last week to tell me the news. Natsuki did not know at the time, which I felt badly over, but she had told me of it when next we spoke. Happily, she was not too far behind me on the information train.

"It's been a while, Fujino. Did they finally clean up that debacle with the Research Department?" She asked, evidently accepting that I had no comment on the matter.

"I believe they did. How is Woods-sensei? She looks well."

A tiny shrug. "Same as ever. You look good yourself, what I can see anyway."

"Ookini. How old is your daughter now?"

She glanced up from the ligament she was working on. "Two."

"Two?! It seems like you just had her," Yohko responded, and I agreed. Her baby pictures were still fairly fresh in my mind.

"She's been an absolute monster lately. I kinda miss her not being able to talk, if I'm honest." The nurse laughed at the light-hearted lament, while a frustrated sigh erupted from the operating table. "Fujino, can you fix my glasses?" The spectacles were slowly making their way to the edge of her mask and her sterile gloves would not permit an adjustment.

"Of course." I wheeled out a bit and she turned her face toward me. I pushed them up on her nose. She had beautiful eyes really… not as stunning or unique as Natsuki's but with an adorable sparkle of mischief in their hazel depths.

"Thanks."

My mind ran away with itself at the mere mention of the woman I knew I'd see in a few hours, carrying my thoughts further and why did it seem these fantastic imaginings were taking me more and more? I could not help but draw a parallel between my failed attempts at celibacy in my early twenties and this new experience. Shamefully it was doing very much the same thing to me, winding me tight enough to burst at any moment, waiting for anything as an excuse.

"And your husband? Is he well?" I asked to distract myself.

"I think he's getting into the stay-at-home dad thing. Hates it when I call him that though." I was certain that if her mask was off, she would be grinning. Her husband, as far as I heard, was an artistic type… a writer who worked from home. She glanced at the digital clock on the wall. "I think we're gonna finish right on time!"

"Shizuru, what is this thing Kanzaki's having later? He told me to drop by with Midori."

Woods laughed. "Is Kanzaki throwing his money around again?"

"It is more of a group get-together to celebrate various accomplishments. High school graduations, promotions and the like."

She paused in her work. "Who's graduating high school?"

"Kuga's younger sister," I answered.

"Good news all around I guess," Yohko added.

"It seems that way." I agreed.

"Kuga's having a party with Kanzaki?" The surgeon asked with curiosity.

"Yes. It turns out she is quite close with the woman Reito is seeing." I commented, not fully ready to explain our situation.

"This island weaves a tangled web. Be careful Fujino, it'll suck you in." Woods offered sagely, reaching over for a curved needle.

It had done more than suck me in already. "I will do my best."

"He better not mess it up is all I have to say! He'll spoil lunch for the rest of us!" She began closing with the meticulousness she was known for. "Kuga's from here, right?"

"That's what she told me," Yohko answered.

"Hmm." I watched as she began suturing. "So, she's already in deep."

"Will Woods-sensei not be joining in the festivities?" It had been an open invitation to the orthopedic surgeons in Reito's group, yet I felt the need to offer again out of politeness.

"I should get home to my husband before she drives him nuts." We continued to chat amiably, and it was excellent to have my work be so uneventful, so normal. It made me feel a bit more secure in my decision to stay, but that thought… of doing something else, something more remained.

I had to stay a bit longer than I usually would, given the patient's status. I did not mind, except that the party had started already, and I was growing anxious to see Natsuki. With Haruka gone, my weekends had been slightly busier, my days as well. In the past month, it had been unusual that we were able to spend more than a night or two together each week. It was not that I was upset at having to work this morning, but to have such a concentrated stretch of time with her offered up, and to be here instead was disappointing. Still, it was nice to catch up with Yohko and we'd been able to have a more private chat in the locker room. It was a chance to tell her officially something she already felt sure of, to confirm my involvement with Natsuki. She was, of course, happy for me. Being the person that she was, I expected as much and I asked after her. Chie had told me via text message that there were rumors afoot regarding her and a young man from housekeeping. I had not put much stock in them until we passed a handsome gentleman from maintenance in the hall on our way out. It was a question answered without asking and she rolled her eyes at my smile.

"I'll see you later?" She gave me a light hug. It briefly made me wonder if my prior involvement with her was anything that needed to be told to Natsuki. Rationally speaking it was not her concern as it had nothing to do with the two of us together nor did I want to invite the possibility that it might make their work relationship contentious. Still, I was unsure.

"Yes. I will look forward to it."

"Are you going there right now?"

"I need to stop at my home first, but then afterward." I had almost forgotten the book. "One moment." I removed it from my purse and handed it to her and we parted ways.

To avoid fussing over my outfit, I had chosen it in advance. My hair, I had worked on the night before, not bothering to straighten it as I usually did. The moisture in the ocean air would undo that anyway… let alone if it got wet. Why I felt nervous about Natsuki seeing my hair this way was a mystery to me, but I nearly never wore it naturally. I attempted to ignore the loose curls that made their escape as I washed my face, reapplied my makeup, and used a touch of the perfume I'd had on when she'd had a bit too much to drink.

I could not help but smile at the memory of her face upon waking to find herself still happily nestled between my breasts, at my soft good morning. It was an intense apology certainly, quite genuine. My insistence that she needn't be only seemed to make matters worse. The embarrassment had stayed with her all through our breakfast until I began to feel guilty about it. I had been worried she'd leave, but she had not. Instead, she devoted herself to figuring out the espresso machine my father had given me, its workings, and its quirks. I'd brought it to her house, knowing it would get far more use there. I understood her focus to be an intentional distraction. It was hard for me to believe, but from her body language and reaction, I gathered she honestly thought she'd been rude with me. It took four rounds of espresso, most of which were only sipped for quality control before she was entirely comfortable looking me in the eye again. There was something in her reaction to it that I found confusing. It was something I could not fully separate from her humiliation; something both she and I were puzzling over. The brief stares she would sneak were not all that different than the look she was giving the espresso machine when it did not work as she'd predicted. It was softer definitely, feeling there…but not far removed all the same.

My internal response was different than I would've predicted as well. It was one of wariness, perhaps unjustly. I'd been able to exercise a very small amount of control, but it was against such strong opposition from myself. We'd done little more in our limited time together since then kiss and sleep beside one another since. Counterintuitively, the slowing down did nothing to ease the tension I felt. In fact, it seemed to make my situation exponentially more difficult. Initially, I had believed that the warmth I felt with her would calm my desires, but now it only seemed to further provoke them. They continued to grow louder, becoming more powerful and troublesome. In kisses where we were wrapped around one another, touches to my back or to hers, fingers crawling along stomachs, and hands gripping clothed thighs... there was almost too much feeling. In truth, I was more comfortable with the intense sexual charge I'd felt watching her unbutton my shirt with her teeth. Honestly, it felt a failing that need overtaking feeling was an easier experience for me to process than anything deeper.

Considering her reaction concerned me in a very different way. There was some chatter in the back of my mind as to whether or not her discomfort was with my response to her sexually, which unpleasantly unearthed an onslaught of memories as concerned the girl. I considered that experience more than I'd allowed myself to before and with less ache than I would have predicted. I mulled over missed signs or ignored cues, my own intensity in these matters. _Natsuki was not the same person_. I argued with myself in silence as I adjusted my swimsuit. My comparisons were largely unfair, I reasoned. She was more confident in her kisses than my first love had ever been. It was the truth, I assured myself as I slipped on a linen tunic shirt and a pair of soft shorts. Even when she was nervous, she was not conflicted in her quiet affection. I did not need to chase her, but still, I wanted something from her I did not know whether she was ready for.

Yet my knowing all of that, did not deter my mind from performing nearly endless reinterpretations of our situation. I spent the ride to the beach picking over the experience, again and again, trying to arrive at the perfect, indisputable explanation for the tension neither of us could seem to shake.

On arriving, I took a measured breath before I gathered what I'd brought and made my way through the sand. The first person who's eye I caught was my friend's, which I felt oddly grateful for as it meant another few moments to compose myself before I saw her. He smiled and waved, walking up to assist me with the few items I was carrying. "Shizuru!"

"Good afternoon." I smiled at him and it was readily returned. Indicating the small box on top of the bag he'd taken from me, I spoke. "That is for you." It was only a small thing of the type we exchanged on birthdays. A pair of cufflinks made from silver and volcanic glass to replace a similar pair he'd lamented the loss of some time ago.

He gave me a curious look and a smile. "There was no need for that."

"Congratulations are in order, are they not?"

Something of a crooked grin took his lips. "On both sides, I would say, though I do not have a present for you." He tapped the box as he placed it down and glanced my way. "Thank you for this."

I waved my hand dismissively. "A present would be uncustomary for such an occasion."

"Quite right, at least from me. Perhaps it is something better left to Kuga-san in this case?"

The flash of heat that passed through me at such a thought was born of the energy that had been collecting beneath my skin, sexual energy that was beginning to gnaw at me. "Perhaps Reito should suggest that to her. I am certain her reaction would be memorable."

His eyes flicked toward the sea, where I finally caught sight of her. "Without a doubt, but it would be foolish to put my head in the proverbial lion's mouth."

"…a lion?" I asked absently, distracted by my first occasion to see her in shorts, very distracted in fact.

"Only a proverbial one. It's a favorable comparison, no? An excellent animal."

"So, it was flattery, then?"

"And only that." He affirmed.

She was some distance away and speaking to a crowd of teenagers with Alyssa. It was clear that her focus had shifted to Reito and myself. I lifted my hand, fingers rolling in a greeting I was not sure she could make out until I saw her tilt her head in acknowledgment.

My initial inclination was to make my way directly over to her, but I did not know if I would be interrupting and I did not wish to be rude to Reito either. I was not certain where the boundaries lay… with her I seldom was. Boundaries were never something I was good at as concerned matters of the heart anyway. I redirected my attention, mentally reprimanding myself for my obviousness, and thankful for the distance. It saved me to some degree.

Another duo momentarily caught my eye because of the repeated looks in our direction. I stood up straight, watching the two with an odd feeling coming over me. "That young man, he must be Mai's brother correct?" We had come to call each other by our first names after a shared meal a few weeks ago.

"There is some familial resemblance, isn't there?" It was true. He looked a great deal like his sister, which was fortunate for him. That person next to him though, I could not immediately discern whether he/she was a woman or a man. It was not an experience I often had…or in truth ever had. My intuition as concerned such things was strong and I thought female, but the body and the clothes. The question should not have seized my mind the way it did.

Confused, I attempted to clear my head with a joke. "There is, but I am curious as to why Tokiha-han keeps giving you such bashful glances. I wonder, did you flatter him as well? You never did share your story."

"Ah." Reito's reaction surprised me. I did not think I'd seen him so embarrassed since the dinner party. "Suffice it to say we met one another under different circumstances than I would have liked."

An interesting answer. It was evasive and leading at the same time. "What would you have preferred?"

He smiled at me, chagrined. "The only preference I have as concerns meeting a stranger is to be wearing clothes."

I felt my eyebrow curve. "Well, it does seem as though the impression was improved by it. There are those that enjoy immediate familiarity, that sort of naked honesty." Through his discomfiture, he laughed softly. "Do you know who that person with him is?"

"His boyfriend. Okuzaki, if I recall correctly."

A man. It was confirmed, but strangely a part of me remained unconvinced. This was none of my business and the strength of my fascination with it was bordering on intrusive. "They make a lovely pair." It was true.

"They do seem quite happy." The two of them seemed very much in love, I did agree. There was a contentedness in one another's presence that hung about them like a fluffy cloud, much like Chie and Aoi. "Speaking of such things, you and my Fellow make a beautiful couple as well."

For some inexplicable reason, the compliment made me nervous when it should have been a nice thing to hear. I gave him a smile against what I felt. "Ookini, but as relates to the purpose of this celebration, she is no longer a Fellow."

"True. She is now one of my Attendings, one I do hope realizes how fortunate she is to have such a fine Anesthesiologist handy."

"Ookini, but I believe that you may have that backward," My tone was nearly a slap on his wrist and he picked up on it, watched me curiously.

"No, I'm certain I said it correctly." He said with an odd softness. "Kuga is _quite_ lucky."

 _That he would say such a thing._ "Reito," That my discomfort was great enough to escape from beneath my politeness surprised me as well.

"It is my opinion and therefore, outside of debate." Leaving such terrible logic unchallenged was simply not an option.

"Are not all debates opinion-based though? It is a prerequisite. Were it fact, an argument would be superfluous." I commented, flicking out the blanket I had brought.

"A fair point, but my mind is set nonetheless. I resolve to be completely unmovable and most assuredly pig-headed in a discussion over the matter."

The laugh his silliness brought, made my tension give way. "How are things with your shopkeeper?"

He took a seat on a chair a few feet away. "As wonderful as you are at steering a conversation." The comment was made as he reclined.

A bright smile broke across my lips. "I am glad to hear it."

"I believe you're being summoned, Shizuru."

"Hmm?"

He pointed out toward where Natsuki and Alyssa had been standing before. The young blonde woman was waving me over and I made my way toward them. These must have been her school friends, two of whom I recognized as employees from the pet shop at which I'd purchased Duran's plush squid. On cue, a blur of orange moved from behind Natsuki, peering at me, and then a full out charge, which made me blink. It seemed, that once the initial hurdle of hesitance was conquered, Duran moved from distrustful to devoted. I was nearly tackled as he dodged and jumped around my legs.

"Hi! You're here!" The young blonde commented scooping up a dog who wiggled madly and made a series of noises to protest the strain he felt at not being able to continue his circling. "Duran, geez."

"Hello, Alyssa." I gave the girl a smile. We'd seen each other in passing at Natsuki's home upon her return and I'd given her a belated birthday present, a leather-bound sketchpad, which she seemed to enjoy. Reaching out, I scratched his head and he curled his lips in a strange imitation of a smile, such personality. "And hello, Duran."

Natsuki moved over toward us and took the dog, raising an eyebrow but unable to hold a smile from him. "Oi, relax."

As soon as the animal was taken, Alyssa surprised me with a hug. I watched Natsuki over her sister's shoulder, smiling at the expression of subtle happiness on her face.

"Hey, Shizuru." Her voice, the small amount of contentedness had even made its way there. I felt suddenly foolish for worrying in the first place.

I glanced her way and she placed her dog down, scratching his back briefly. As she stood, she crossed her arms, gazing back in that new, gentled way she did. It made my chest feel warm. Unable and unwilling to stop myself after she'd effortlessly assured me, I folded her into my arms briefly, mitigating the strength of it. She tensed only briefly and returned it.

"Good afternoon, Natsuki," I said by her ear, quietly because I wanted it to belong to us.

Alyssa turned to the group of her friends as we broke apart, all enthusiasm. "This is Fujino-san." I faced the group of teenagers to greet them. "My sister's girlfriend."

I nearly threw-up my heart at her words and I felt my body stiffen, a bright smile automatically stretching my face. _Never in my life._ I was not prepared for it nor was I prepared for the emotion I felt over it. She was so enthusiastic in the introduction, proud even. That she would not hesitate for even a moment, _that it would not occur to her to do so_ …

"A pleasure to meet you all." My voice felt foreign as it left my throat and I waved at the group of teenagers who had almost no reaction to the news except to greet me in return, as though she'd said nothing unexpected.

All at once the anxiousness I'd felt returned. I needed to look at Natsuki, I had not yet done so, even though I could feel her eyes on me. Duran was pawing at my leg. He had clearly noticed the change in me regardless of my attempts to prevent it from manifesting outwardly. The only obvious reaction to the introduction was from one of the young men who was rapidly switched his gaze between the two of us. Finally, I let my eyes wander over to her and there was no upset there, a touch of discomfort … but mostly a question and mostly focused on me. He was still looking, I could sense it as we continued to meet one another's eye. Natsuki put an end to his attention with a strong glare.

Her hand was suddenly in mine and I stared down at it, startled. "Mai wanted to ask you something." She said quietly, pulling me lightly.

A poor excuse I thought, yet I played along. "It was nice meeting you all, but unfortunately it seems I am needed elsewhere." Turning around felt like a breath after being underwater.

"Okay. Come find me later!" The young woman responded.

When I answered, I'd already been able to gather some composure, a bit of real smile overtaking what had been on my face. "Of course! Alyssa still has to finish telling me about her trip."

"Definitely." She gave me that toothy smile and we began to walk away.

Natsuki was observing me, words in her eyes that never left her mouth. "What does Mai need assistance with?"

"It was a lie." I wondered if she thought I did not know that already, that I did not understand she'd seen my discomfort and was attempting to help.

"So, you wished to steal me away from that young man's attention?"

Her eyes rolled. "You can go back if you want." Or was it possible she was jealous?

"I find my current company much more pleasurable, Natsuki." Fingers twitched lightly against mine. "Besides which, he was thinking of you as well, was he not?"

She puffed air out of her nose. "I don't wanna know what he was thinking of." Not jealous, then... annoyed.

"It is hardly his fault that you look so lovely today."

Her eyes shifted sideways as a scoff tumbled out. As we matched pace, both of us were silent for some time. "Are you hungry?" She tended to ask when she was beginning to feel the need for food herself. It was as if her stomach reminded her that I had one of my own.

"Is Natsuki?"

She nodded. Another few steps and she spoke again. "It means a lot to Alyssa that you came."

"I am glad, but it was not only for her." Our hands brushed briefly again, and she stole a glance at me, one that communicated she shared her sister's feelings.

I considered kissing her, but we were very much in view of several people. I felt some unease with the idea of such a public display. Hugging, having my arms around her briefly, teasing her… such things could be laughed away. It was not the same as kissing her as a lover. As a compromise, I slowed pace, stopped, and pressed a light kiss to her cheek, hands resting lightly on a hip and a shoulder. I felt her stiffen in surprise and she gave me another of those curious expressions.

"How has your day been?" I asked, taking in that look on her face.

She waited a moment before answering. "Mai's been going nuts trying to make everything perfect, Nao keeps disappearing, and Alyssa's been running around helping everyone."

"And what have you been doing?"

She pointed to the firepit we were passing. "Building this and trying to stay out of the way."

"Such impressive handy work." It _was_ impressive, well-constructed, and waiting to be lit.

"Akira helped too."

"It looks as though you two did an excellent job. Kanin-na, but which one is Akira?"

She pointed. "Tokiha Takumi, Mai's brother and that's his boyfriend, Okuzaki Akira… and those were Alyssa's friends. That's her art teacher." I glanced over to see Aoi reclining in a beach chair, looking absurdly content beneath an umbrella, some fruity drink in her hand.

"Is her lover here as well?"

"You know them?"

"I do. They are friends of mine." I did not explain that Reito had already told me they would be attending, that he'd revealed the connection to Natsuki's sister that I'd suspected since a dinner party some time ago.

"I went to high school with them."

"I recall they're telling me that."

She shot a look my way. "When?"

I smiled. "I wanted to ask, would you be opposed to me lending your sister my car for the evening?"

She sighed, accepting the change in conversation. "It's your car."

A small cove to our right caught my attention, sun-warmed water meandering lazily across weather-worn rock and reflecting bits of sun. "Natsuki, would be willing to take me home tonight then?"

A light flush of color took her cheeks, but she did not frown at me. She nodded and I did not know to which meaning of the question she was agreeing. I took her hand and drew her between the rocks, watching as her eyebrow rose but she followed, nonetheless.

"What are you doing?" She asked, glancing behind us. Her dog trotted into the secluded area as well.

"I have not rightly said hello to you, have I?" I commented and the other eyebrow rose worriedly as I touched her waist. The boulders on either side of us gave me the bit of privacy I needed to let my affection for her dictate my behavior. I considered whether to steal in for a quick press of our lips, but that was not what I wanted. Neither speed nor thievery would truly satisfy, and I rested my hands more fully against her. Her body was tightening beneath my touch, but she was not retreating.

"Shizuru," There was a touch of stress there.

Those relentless questions that were thorny vines around our time together squeezed tighter until I had no choice but to pay them heed. "Would you be angry if I kissed you, Natsuki?" I asked, feeling oddly anxious.

She gazed at me for a moment, then over her shoulder before she pressed an unexpected peck of a kiss on my lips. Though pleasant, that brief press was not enough, and I captured her eyes with mine, attempting to regain my composure. My hand was quicker than my mind, catching the side of her face gently. Her lips squeezed together for a moment, her eyes unsure, one last check behind us, and Duran inched closer, ears shifting. As she turned back, she met me in a much more substantial kiss, one that made my eyes close. It was not long nor deep but fogged my mind with feeling. There was the most adorable expression on her face after we parted, and I could not help myself yet again… needed a bit of relief from the odd floating sensation in my chest.

"Should I assume you are not angry then?" I dragged a finger along her nose, smiling at her.

She gazed at me with an expression that was a combination of amusement and annoyance…that tongue was against her cheek. One of my unusual whims took me, perhaps because I was so wound with repressed reaction, and I ran my index finger lightly over the bulge. It disappeared immediately as she visibly jumped, too surprised for a blush. Admittedly, it was a strange thing to do. Blinking, she shook her head at me as though I'd said something perverse that she was attempting not to find funny. Natsuki took her leave of our small hideaway. My confidence was somewhat restored, and my tension was eased by both the teasing and the tingle left by her kiss. I smiled to myself before moving to exit.

As we walked side-by-side again, I received only an unconvincing glare that melted quickly. My thoughts kept floating to her sister's unflinching introduction, _girlfriend_. That word had never been used in reference to me. Even more foreign was its presence amongst family or dear friends… as though I could belong there simply by virtue of my involvement with Natsuki. It was the normalization of a part of my life, which though never really intentionally lied about, had always been very intentionally ambiguous…very deliberately glossed over and more often than not left unsaid. I found myself struggling with it. There was resistance there to the casual treatment of something like this, to think that it was no different from Mai and Reito. The nonsensical, but solid separation in my mind between myself and others like me, Chie and Aoi or Mai's brother and his lover… it was also being erased.

I was accustomed to secrecy, to having this sort of thing reduced to a joke, an indulgence, or a sin, but principally treated as something that could never be taken seriously. It was a shift in perception, and it seemed I was not wholly ready for it, despite all that had happened. To have Alyssa be excited, unashamedly, and unquestioningly accepting of our budding relationship, as if there was no other choice of reaction…for some indefinable reason, it felt completely separate from the acceptance of my friends or my father. I tripped my attention with these musings and they fully took me. By the time I realized how deeply I'd fallen into them, she had noticed as well. I gave her a smile and she appeared largely unconvinced, slightly concerned even. Yet as I gazed at her my mind began to wander backward… _girlfriend_.

I refocused, searching for a new topic, pausing to look at the ocean. A glance sideways revealed Tokiha-han and his lover, perched near the arrangement of wood. Presumably, they intended to light it. I was again filled with curiosity over them, over one of them, a woman dressed as a man, a man with strong traces of femininity that triggered my senses… or a person who was one becoming the other. All three scenarios were fascinating to me, evoked questions.

"Natsuki,"

She turned to look my way. "Hm?"

"Mai's brother, the person he is dating." Her full attention was focused on me and I could see her attempting to figure out what I would ask. "Is a man?" She stopped and stared at me for a moment, retracing her steps to stand beside me. It seemed she was waiting for me to say something more, did not think that was the end of it. "And he has always been so?"

It was clear she had not the slightest idea what I was asking, and the realization came. Her neck arched as her eyes landed upon the pair. They were sitting now, hands just shy of touching as Okuzaki-han lit the base of the woodpile. Verdant pools flicked back to me, confused and then blank. I felt ridiculous for asking as it was apparent that the question had never crossed her mind.

She looked their way again, no discernible reaction, no discernable concern really, only that intent expression. "Why would you think…"

"Kanin-na. A silly thought." _And perhaps one that should not have been voiced_. My irritation with myself returned because despite it all, I still wished to know. More than likely it was a fleeting question to her, one that would not stay. I seldom became so fixated on something, but it called into question my intuition, that must have been the cause. She again did not voice her thoughts.

We returned to the group at large and I set my mind to focus on chat, as we ate a bit of this and that. It would be nice to enjoy a bit of sun as well, though my mother's warnings about tanning rang in my head immediately. Nonetheless, I removed my shirt and shorts, feeling the heat on my skin when my gaze met that of a woman who had only seen me in so little once before and by accident. I expected a blush, but there was not one. There was an unwavering and deliberate holding of my eyes instead. I wondered at her not having removed her own clothing, at her not taking me in. She was quite difficult to read at times.

Chie and Aoi kept sneaking glances at Natsuki and it was a small miracle that she did not seem to notice their attention. A brief exchange with Yohko as she arrived, pleasantries with Mai, and bits of conversation with Reito. I enjoyed her redheaded friend. She got along famously with my own friends, the fact that she was sleeping with one of them likely oiling the gears so to speak. I had not seen much of the bartender, only once in passing. It was interesting to watch Natsuki interact in two worlds at once, with people who she knew very well and those, she did not. The shift in her personality, the divide obvious, from conversational and slightly sarcastic to serious and largely indifferent depending upon whom she was speaking to. She talked quietly with Mai who seemed to be teasing her about still having her clothes on, which I'd wondered at too. Perhaps it was that body shyness, but I could only catch bits of their conversation. I had to invest myself in my own. I was no longer certain it was shyness, in any case, it seemed more like a wall erected between her and others, a matter or privacy more than embarrassment. She was not embarrassed by her body, she had no reason to be though that did not seem to dissuade many a woman I'd met.

Nothing, not even watching her, was able to keep my attention entirely and I was puzzled by discomfort that pitted itself against my need to be near the woman that I felt so strongly for. In this case, it would seem that small talk was my version of the espresso machine. The conflict was evident more in my posture than anything else, body tilted toward her, knees only a few inches away from hers, my face toward whomever I was speaking to. It was symbolic in some sense. My body always knew what it wanted, it was my head that made me falter. Whether that was for better or worse was a question I struggled with. My smile felt unnatural on my lips and I wanted to close my eyes for a moment, blink everyone else away and breathe her in. It would be steadiness, but that was not possible.

As I chatted with Reito about his new position, something finally managed to bind my attention to one spot. I was overcome by the sensation one tends to get when a person in a decidedly foul mood enters the room, ice on your neck. Turning my head, I realized it was emanating from the dark-haired woman beside me. She was no longer speaking with Mai. The woman had left and was back at the grill. In her absence, Natsuki had somehow elected to transform herself into a miniature thundercloud. She did not notice my gaze, so instead, I followed hers. It became immediately apparent what had drawn her ire. In the water was her sister perched happily atop the young man's shoulders who had stared at us earlier. They were shoving at the young woman I'd met in the pet shop who was balanced atop the young man with the broom. They all looked quite happy… the young men especially.

"Natsuki," I said gently.

"What?" She answered, stare darkening. Reito sensed the atmosphere and politely excused himself, wandering over toward where Mai had gone off to.

"You look troubled." I worried as a hand traveled the slightest bit higher on Alyssa's thigh, presumably a grip adjustment, with an added benefit. It was not distastefully high… I thought.

"What the hell is he doing?" It would be wrong of me to think this amusing, yet I did, terribly so. She was incredibly endearing when she was protective. I became concerned though as she moved to stand up and I placed a palm on her leg, attempting not to notice how soft her skin was. She glared at me, more aggravated than I originally believed.

"It is just a game, no?" I asked gently.

"Do you see his hand?"

I attempted not to patronize her. "I do, yes." In a somewhat unfair move, the pet shop duo charged, knocking both Alyssa and the man into the water and nearly on top of one another. That was not a good development.

"Come on, Shiz," Chie interjected and green eyes snapped her way, vaguely interested. "He's definitely trying to pull something." I sighed to myself, glancing at the shorthaired woman, a touch of a smirk on my lips. It was difficult to resist _'poking the bear'_ so to speak, but I did not think now was the time.

My eyes jumped back to the water and the two teenagers came to the surface, sputtering but full of laughter, his hands on her waist to guide her up. They stood and his hands did not leave. It was a bit bolder and I was almost nervous to see her reaction. I watched as Alyssa bit her lip, looked to whisper to him.

"Jackass." Her lip nearly curled at him and I thought she might attack.

"Definitely." Chie agreed. "He's a creep." I felt bad for the young man. He was being rather obvious, but he was also 18 and in the close company of a lovely young lady who seemed amenable to his company. It was to be expected I thought and though I was loathed to admit it, I empathized with his plight. Beaches could sorely test one's self-control.

Still, I tried to appease with a bit of jest. "Perhaps he is being a bit handsy." Natsuki threw me a look before she nudged me with an elbow, calming a little.

Aoi laughed. "Not compared to those other two." She indicated the duo from the pet shop who were much more affectionate and I realized she likely taught them as well. "I'd be more worried if he wasn't interested." She squeezed her partner's hand. "Better get used to it. You've got ten years before that's Keiko, Chie-chan."

The most uncomfortable look came over my friend and she stared at the teenagers again, frowning. There was little reaction from Natsuki to their chat, she was still quite focused on her sister, but I did notice her quick glance at their hands. The boy dove at the legs of the other couple, all three of them tumbling into the ocean. Also, a rather unfair move.

I spoke more to Natsuki than the others. "Handsiness can be troublesome, but it does seem Alyssa is quite capable of handling herself, do you not think so?" She looked over at me briefly and nodded. I turned to the pair on my opposite side. "I am certain Keiko-chan will be as well."

"We all know she's gonna be trouble," Chie confessed.

When he came up, Alyssa shoved him back into the water by his forehead and then grinned down at them all. It seemed competitiveness ran in the family.

Natsuki released a scoff of a laugh and Chie's glasses were adjusted. "Go Alyssa." The short-haired woman threw out.

Deservedly, revenge from the three water-logged teenagers looked as though it would be swift, but she elected for a retreat instead and they all took off down the beach. "And there she goes." Aoi giggled to herself.

"NATSUKI!" One eye closed at the volume and her head whipped toward Mai, who had yelled her name and was waving her over. Reito had made his way over and they were exchanging the most telling glances, they'd not been able to spend much time together. She paused after a few steps and turned.

"Are you coming?" Though her tone was by no means gentle, her eyes told me she wanted me to follow and so I did. The touch to my hand surprised me and we made our way over together.

She had been called so that she could, though not entirely voluntarily, relieve Mai of her grill duties and entertain Mikoto such that the shopkeeper could spend a moment with Reito. We spent some time together there, but then I had told her I wanted to go for a walk. She had studied me for a moment before she nodded. I dressed and strolled a ways down the beach, up the stairs, and along the boardwalk. I needed a moment to collect myself anyway, to let my smile relax and simply enjoy the ocean breeze and the natural beauty of this place, to be away from so much bared flesh, her beautiful legs, and messages both internal and external that I could not fully sort out.

It was regrettable that I could not drag Natsuki with me. Certainly, I'd been able to steal quite a few with her already, so it was more than fair. I had not noticed at first, but her dog had followed me, trotting beside me and sending curious looks my way, hints of anxiousness betrayed by the flattening of his ears. I smiled at him genuinely. It was necessary because he sensed the difference easily. Animals were much more difficult to fool with pretty looks and lying eyes, they needed to feel it. He called attention to when I was tense, often before I realized it myself. Knowing Natsuki as I did, I texted her to let her know Duran was with me, kept myself between him and the road even though there was a reasonable distance there already.

An overlook ahead called my attention and I walked out to the railing. It was likely that there were several of these along this road, but still, I wondered whether this was the one we'd parked at that night. Sitting atop the metal railing, legs crossed and hanging was the bartender... cigarette dangling from her lips.

"You'll have to get yourself a drink Doc. I'm off work." She did not even look in my direction as she spoke, smoke curling from her lips. Duran went straight to her, sitting at her feet, and she rubbed at his side mindlessly with her sneaker.

I resisted the urge to smile at her. "It has been some time. How are you?"

Expressionless eyes flicked my way and she took a drag from the cigarette she was holding rather oddly, the smell came to me. Marijuana. It was somewhat unexpected and I had not seen one of those in quite some time, perhaps since college. "Peachy. Why are you up here?"

"I decided to go for a walk. You?"

"A smoke and some silence." Red hair was pushed from her face and the smell was blown in my direction from the side of her lips. "Had my fill of people for a bit."

"I do hope my presence is not bothersome."

"Getting there. You're dripping noise all over my quiet." She stared at me, tone dry. "Look Doc, don't come over and start talking to me like we're friends. Unless I'm getting paid, that's not how this works."

Not the most auspicious of starts, certainly. "How does this work?"

"It doesn't. I don't know you."

"I see."

"Tokiha likes everyone. She's too friendly for her own damn good and Alyssa's just a kid. Don't get me wrong, I don't give a shit about the pup playing gay with you. If it makes her happy to do whatever the hell you two do, fine." I felt my mind hardening as I listened, my expression neutralizing, but my confusion kept me interested at least. "Fuck, I can't believe I'm doing this right now." I hadn't the slightest idea what to say as she moved to stand beside me. There was a long pause. Her hands rose to the cross around her neck and she held it in her fingers, worrying it, gaze quite deliberately averted. "Most people are hollow, selfish excuses, but some you can't beat the decency out of." Her narrowed eyes rolled toward me. "I don't know what your deal is, but I do know you sit in my bar with that tease-y little smile and mess with people. Normally I wouldn't give a shit about that either. Good for you. You're so damn charming." My head turned a bit as her gaze fell toward the ocean, voice lowering. "You could fuck over any pretty thing stupid enough to think it's love." There was such an intense sadness that hung about her as she uttered this, and I was left with the distinct impression that I did not know a single true thing about this woman, even if she recognized some kernel of truth in me. I was shocked by how much it softened the blow dealt by her words. "Kuga's not some pretty thing. Don't tell her sweet little bullshit lies and then go fuck around on her. If that's what you're gonna do, just leave her alone. She's gotten shit on enough." The spent remains of the marijuana cigarette were tossed carelessly into the ocean. "She deserves better than that."

I crossed my arms over my chest, holding my elbows. "She does."

"Be it then." There was something beneath that quiet, completely flat tone that instantly worried me. Some gnawing remnant of indecipherable feeling buried in her nonchalance, as if I had suddenly brought to the surface some hidden memory…as if she were only half speaking to me. Her eyes remained locked on mine for some time and then she stood upright, a cat-like mischievousness infesting her smirk, masking the bit of feeling that had come through. "Good chat, Doc."

"Indeed." I watched her retreating form, unsettled by our exchange, by what she saw in me.

There was a logical part of my mind that understood her purpose, a friend looking out for her friend, but it struck a chord in me. It was not unfounded, her concern. I did behave a certain way around others… a way that I had not considered in the context of being in a relationship with someone else. So lost in my thoughts was I, that the movement of Natsuki's dog startled me as he leaped onto the seawall sitting and watching me, us nearly at eye level.

"Duran." His head cocked and he tapped my elbow and yawned at me. I was tense it would seem.

My fingers slipped from my arm to touch his muzzle and he licked them, something I was still getting used to. Instead, I moved my fingers to scratch the top of his head. The dog had come to trust me, perhaps it was not entirely impossible that Nao-han might. In her words, all it took was a shred of decency from me. It was quite possible that I had some spackled to the cavern my secrets had dug inside me. How to reign in my own flirtatiousness though, how to fix the part of me that craved…

Instead of tumbling into despair, her speech made me wish that I had the trust in myself to not let this penetrate as it had, to think of it more objectively. Perhaps it would help me know how to be what she deserved, how to even go about determining such a thing. Such a reaction was an improvement I thought. It did hold some implication that I'd found a reason to think learning to trust myself with Natsuki was not a fool's errand. That this did not so much bring doubt as sadness was an improvement as well. Yet improvement was still more emotionally painful than I would have liked. Today was still more emotionally painful than I would have liked, and I still felt the heaviness of unfulfilled passions beneath my skin.

I walked back along the beach considering Nao-han's words, hands across my upper arms. This was the second time I'd done so today, sought solitude when I did not truly want it. Duran trotted beside me, ears twitching. I was making him nervous again and I was not really alone was I? Not with him here.

"Shizuru-san!" I glanced up to see Alyssa running toward me.

"Did you escape your pursuers?" She blushed, clearly embarrassed.

"Ha, I did thanks. I wanted to catch you before I left. My friends and I are going out to celebrate."

I gave her a raised eyebrow. "Ara, ara. Should I be concerned?"

"I'm sure Nat will be concerned enough for both of you."

"I am glad that you found me, I have something I wanted to give you."

Her blue eyes lit up. "You got me a present?!"

"It is nothing really. Only for the night."

I could see her puzzling over the statement and then it hit her. "…no way."

"You are refusing?" I feigned a pout, mild offense.

"Really?"

"If you'd like the car for you and your friends. I've said before, you enjoy it far more than I do."

"Really?"

"I have secured alternate transportation. I brought your MP3 player. The keys are in my bag, you are welcome to take them."

"Shizuru-san,"

A part of me was embarrassed by her gratitude, so I gave a bright smile and patted her cheek. "It is not even a true present. You must return it after."

Another hug that surprised me. "Thanks."

"I have heard you convinced your father to let you stay in Japan." Natsuki had been visibly relieved when she relayed that bit of information to me, and I had not realized how much it was weighing on her until then. Though her face often expressed emotions as they passed, her thought processes and worries were much more guarded. I had trouble reaching them and I was certain she felt the same about me. The difference was that she was more often willing to share them when asked directly and I struggled even then.

"I did." A proud little smile crept onto her lips.

I was happy for the news as well. "A second round of congratulations are owed."

She grinned at me. "You're letting me borrow your car, I think that's enough. I'm still gonna come by on some Tuesdays, even if school is done."

"And I will still look forward to it. Go find your friends."

"Okay. See you later! And thanks again." She moved off in the direction of my blanket and I followed at a slower pace, sewing my calm back into place.

With Alyssa's departure, the party began to wind down. Yohko and Midori had arrived a bit later than the rest of us, having apparently been delayed by an incident involving a marble up Midori's son's nose. At the red-headed woman's insistence, we all agreed to one last drink chatting in small groups by the fire, before people began to take their leave. Natsuki, Mikoto, Reito, and I assisted Mai with the cleanup being the last hold outs. They departed soon after, hugs and well wishes and suddenly it was only the two of us. It was what I had been waiting for and yet I could feel the energy running through my skin already.

I glanced her way as she poked at what remained of the bonfire with a large stick. It needed to be extinguished before we left. My vision was not as sharp as it had been when I'd arrived and the waves of heat further distorted her figure. I did not care much for sunglasses, how they sat on my nose and the way they changed the shape of my face, held the hot air between me and the plastic frame. The sacrifice was that on such days, by the close of them my eyes held a touch of fatigue. The bright sun beating down for hours robbed them of their sharpness as it pulled a bit of saturation from the world. Everything acquired a muted quality, the heat seemingly baking the color out of things. The low sun was welcome at this point even though the glory of such weather was appreciated. Soon we were sitting in on the beach, just the two of us, on a blanket beside the dwindling flames. Nao-han had taken Duran with her to Natsuki's home giving the two of us an interesting look as she left with him, one that made the dark-haired woman scowl at her.

"What's up with you?" She asked quietly, but without the harshness that such words could carry.

"Natsuki is always so concerned for me." The sort of oscillating uneasiness that I felt would be difficult to explain. She leaned back on arms stretched behind her, sighing and glancing at me. My defenses loosened a bit. "It is nothing."

Her discomfort caused her to shift, bend knees, and rest her arms atop them. "It's something. You've been weird for a while now."

I smiled to myself. "So fond of that word still."

A light shake of her head. "Back to misdirection again, no?"

"I think the world of you Natsuki, truly I do." I stroked her cheek, giving her a smile. "But your Kyoto-ben really does need work." She frowned at me. It was not fair of me to hide so much from her, how I was feeling. I chose the least complex of the things that had been plaguing me. "Do you find that I am flirtatious?"

A tiny scoff of a laugh jumped from her and I attempted to hold in my offense. I knew that I was, it was something I'd done to her since first we'd met. "Is that a serious question?"

"With people other than yourself?"

The clarification seemed to only confuse her more. "You know you are."

"I suppose I mean to ask if it troubles you." _Yes_ , that was what I wanted to know.

She frowned before answering, which was answer enough. "I don't really get it." A light rub to her neck, hair moved aside. "You think _that_ many people are attractive?"

"There are degrees of attraction," I said quietly.

"Not for me."

I did not consider her to be a person driven by fleeting infatuations, did not even know whether she experienced such things, yet I wanted to be certain I understood what she meant. "How is that?"

"They either are or they aren't." At times her phrasing was so matter-of-fact.

"I do hope I am one of those then."

She raised her eyebrow at me but refused to be baited any further than that. A small twitch in her lips changed her face. "Do you mean it?"

It took me a moment to catch her meaning. "I do not mean it as an invitation," I observed her carefully as I stated this. It was a challenge to imagine going through life without noticing the physical charm of others. "If not attractive, do you think people beautiful or handsome?"

I could see the gears of her mind turning as she thought over the question. "That's more math."

"Math." It was a notion I found somewhat unattractive.

She glanced over at me. "You never heard that?"

"Is that what you see when you look at someone?" I found myself questioning if when she saw my face it was as a line of numbers and measurements.

"It's automatic. We don't like asymmetric on instinct. It's deviation." An interesting thing to say and it made me wonder how she felt about her own body modifications.

"Asymmetry and deviation can be very attractive things. It is my understanding that there are a great many people who enjoy tattoos and piercings for that very reason." I gave her a smile because I, for one, enjoyed such things. Not tattoos and piercings per se, but the unexpected. She shrugged, thinking something over. "Have you regretted your own?" I asked, quietly.

There was a flash of something on her face almost like hurt or wariness, which I took note of. "No."

"Does it not sometimes seem that uniqueness makes something all the more beautiful even if it is not traditionally considered so?" Small imperfections, a beauty mark or a scar, or a small gap between someone's teeth, I seemed to remember these instances of attraction more than others. Attraction to something which was not widely considered attractive if symmetry was the benchmark, they were etched in my mind. Perhaps it was because they were endearing. Endearing _attractive, beautiful_ … they were all of the same cloth for me. It seemed her experience of them was far more separate. "Of course, there are also those moments when I find something beautiful or attractive or affecting and the reason escapes me entirely."

She was deep in thought, eyebrows knitting. "I get that."

"Do you?"

Her lips quirked and she seemed distracted. After a moment, she reached out and touched one of the light brown tendrils that kept falling down to annoy my face. "I've never seen your hair this way."

Feeling somewhat awkward, I had to make a conscious effort to keep myself from turning away. "It has some curl to it, naturally."

She followed the waves in it to their end and gave the lock a lopsided smile when it defiantly bounced back upward. She surprised me by reaching behind my head, pausing to ask permission with her eyes, before taking out the clip that held back my hair. It fell around my face immediately, loose and slightly disobedient already. I had spent some time with it this morning, product and patience and twirling. Oddly enough, it took far longer to make my hair presentable in its natural state than it did to simply blow-dry it. Her eyes followed the bits I could feel shifting in the wind as her fingers retreated. It was very different than her straight hair…very different than how I most often presented it. The volume could never be truly erased, but these curls were easy enough to hide.

"Why don't you wear it like this?"

A slight turn of my head to press my lips to her fingers before they escaped. "I suppose it makes me slightly self-conscious. It looks a bit too untamed, I would say."

She gave me a small smile, as though that was the answer she knew I would give. The next addition to our previous conversation came after another moment of silence. "Knowing someone's good-looking means nothing else to me. Being attracted to someone is different."

"I would agree." There was something in her head she was mulling over. "What is Natsuki thinking of?"

It took a few beats of indecision for her to speak it aloud. "Did you ever think a guy was?"

The question was not one I expected because no one had ever truly broached the subject with me before. "Attractive, you mean?"

Her jaw shifted. "Is that an asinine thing to ask?"

"No, it is not. Please." I touched her arm. I could see why she would be curious over such a thing and I considered my answer. "I see men as handsome, but not attractive. I can appreciate their looks and see why it is some other woman might be interested, but there is no interest attached to it on my part. I only feel that with other women." I paused for a moment, flashes of my life firing in my mind… my babysitters, my piano teacher… my days in high school and college. "I only ever have."

She nodded to herself. "So, you always knew."

"In a way, I suppose I did, yes." It could be said that I knew before I _knew_. It felt unusual to discuss this openly, and I did not think I could have done so with anyone else. I had always kept myself at a distance from such discussions, of first times and realizations and my own feelings about myself, even with Chie and Aoi.

Her thumb ran along the back of my hand absentmindedly. "How?"

It required consideration because I did not have ready answers and it left me with only honesty. "Since I was a child, I've tended to find women fascinating in one way or another, wanted to be around them. It was not until I was a bit older that I began to understand it for what it was… to give a name to it and to associate it with what I understood of such matters." I could sense her curiousness and her reluctance to speak about such things warring. Curiosity won.

"What did you think of it before that?"

It was a difficult thing to answer and so I was quiet for a few moments, collecting my thoughts. "That it was no different than how anyone else thought until it became apparent that most young ladies were not quite so enamored with the beauty of their own sex." She blushed at my phrasing and I considered it. The comment could be taken as something else entirely. It was not my intention, but I did not think she would even realize the double meaning. I continued as though I'd not said something that could be construed as off-color. "Most women I find beautiful, intriguing for one reason or another. Variation and deviations are a part of that certainly." I glanced her way and gave her a silly smile to mask my discomfort. "Though physical perfection does have its charms as well."

"Shizuru!" She was frowning with a visible annoyance and a larger proportion of the embarrassment I knew would accompany my words. "I'm not perfect, Jesus."

It was a deliberate tease, but she kept catching me at my least prepared. To be so unable to dictate the flow of the conversation, to not have the chance to pick and choose words from some mix I'd stored in my head already was difficult for me. Speaking my mind or my heart…it was still an uncomfortable novelty made possible only by the connection I felt with her.

"What I feel for you Natsuki, the attraction I feel towards you, it is different than the more casual type of attraction I feel with others. There is something beyond attraction inside it, something I consider very rare." Green eyes regarded me with a steadiness that made me change the subject because they drove home what I'd truly just said to her. "I believe to some extent my method of speaking to others, my method of seeing others, the flirtatiousness… it is from my father, a bit of his gregariousness that I cannot rein in properly." It was not meant as an excuse, though it did sound that way.

She nodded as she touched the sand between us. "He teased me just like you do."

It was clear that she was more unsettled by her statement than I was. That my father and I had independently flirted with the same woman, it would not have been the first time such a thing occurred, though it would be one of the few times I was old enough to fully understand what I was doing. I was suddenly struck by the image of what it would have been like if I had taken her to meet my parents, if my situation had been different than it was… if it had not been a source of shame and he was still alive. She may not have survived the dual assault. A bittersweet smile crossed my lips as I imagined it.

Shaking the image away, I continued the conversation. "Does it bother you to see, Natsuki?"

She met my eyes and crossed her arms. "I know it's your thing. Mai cooks, Nao insults people, you tease people."

"If it truly upsets you…"

Her eyes turned away from me. "Don't tell me you'll fix it. I don't wanna start out that way."

"What if I told you I would attempt to be more mindful of it? Where others are concerned of course." It was not something I was entirely sure I could erase as concerned my everyday interactions, but as concerned her, I was certain I'd never be rid of it, as concerned her, I honestly did not want to be rid of it.

She looked at me with a deadly serious face. "I didn't ask you for that." Her difficulty with anything that she perceived as taking care of her, inequality, it infused her comment.

"And what if I wanted to without you requesting it? What if I wanted these things for myself?" _What if I wanted to, simply to be the type of person you deserve?_ That was the thought in my head, but I did not voice it.

"Shizuru,"

"I find myself wondering what your thing might be."

"I don't have a _thing_." She rubbed at her arms, staring at the ocean, at the waves cracking on the shore, looking almost perturbed by them. The lightly gusting winds had increased the size of the waves considerably from what they had been during the afternoon.

"That is not the truth." Loyalty. It was not a thing to be minimized, but it was not a thing I could properly explain. She stayed despite logic or reason or harshness, she stayed.

It was not for just anyone either, that I had become one of those she wished to stay beside, it meant more than it should. I watched her for a moment, watched the way the breeze played in her hair, glided across skin I had barely touched today. I did not wait for her to initiate this time because some small voice inside me, said that I'd been holding back too much. It whispered that it was not inherently wrong for me to need her or want her as much as I did. Though I could not be sure that my mind had devised a clever way around my restraining it, the intoxicating idea of allowing this was permeating the air around us. I could see it filling her as well, and wondered if it was not my desire she was sensing and responding to. It made me suddenly push down and ignore my inner voice, withhold myself again.

She blinked at me, turned to look away frowning at the large rocky outcropping some ten feet away from where the bonfire lay. It would be out in an hour or so I thought.

I barely stopped myself from reaching for her as she grabbed the edges of the rock, hoisting herself up in a rather impressive show of agility and strength.

She was nearly at the top when I found my voice. "Natsuki seems to have some sort of predilection for heights. I cannot even see you!"

"Then come up." Her response sounded muffled.

"Perhaps you should come down!" She looked over the edge. I stared up at her raising a brow and she disappeared again. I cupped my hands over my mouth to project my voice. "Natsuki!"

"You did fine on the roof." She yelled back. "Come up."

I took a breath in. "Ara," Reluctantly, I rolled the sleeves of my blouse. It seemed I had no choice but to go seek her out. I eyed the side of the rock face, mentally selecting my holds. It was nowhere near as sharp as I feared, which was fortunate given my choice of footwear. Some irrational part of me considered that I had to do this regardless if only to keep her from returning to the thought that I was indeed a princess. Why that should bother me though…

To have to climb a rock, a large, rather craggy rock and in sandals no less, I had not done anything like this since I was a child. Of course, I had not spent much time on rooftops before I met her either. I was able to get up with much more grace than I had anticipated. The surface was worn by wind and water, dried by the sun so it was not overly slippery.

I straightened my blouse after hauling myself up and took a seat beside her, happily caught unaware by a quick kiss placed on my lips. At least there was a reward involved.

"Hey." She was smiling, small but genuine, looking significantly more content than she had moments ago on the ground. All it took was an overgrown stone it seemed. We were toward the edge of the rock, where outcroppings of stone on either side mostly hid us, the height adding to the seclusion of this place. It was not all that dissimilar from the area where we'd kissed.

"I had not anticipated having to scale a miniature mountain tonight. I would have worn more practical shoes."

She laughed, short and sharp. "You have those?"

I gave her something of a look before I allowed it to soften. "I would have bought some."

"At least you didn't wear a skirt tonight."

"It would have made it a challenge." I agreed. "It was a lovely party, Natsuki."

I realized then that she had tucked her hands into her sleeves. "Mai did most of it. She's good at things like this."

The darker shirt she was wearing, it was somewhat transparent but in an uneven way and it appeared, from behind at least, that there was some sort of pattern underlying it. I puzzled over it in the light of the setting sun and then wondered if that was a bra or a bikini top barely visible as well. I hesitated for a moment before I moved my body behind hers, thighs on the outside of hers and my arms curled around her waist. It was bold of me to hold her from behind and rest my chin on her shoulder. She tensed and then relaxed, a cloth-covered hand passing over my arms. I held her close to my body, slipping my own hands over hers to rest against her stomach.

"Are you cold?" I asked.

"Only my hands." The thin cotton did little to hide the feel of her slender but toned body. I pulled my arms back and ran my fingers smoothly, firmly down the length of her forearms, interlacing fingers with hers and bringing her closer still. She tightened and I drew away from her, moved back… a bit of space. She apparently had no use for it as she simply leaned back and I could not help the relieved smile on my face. Embracing her, holding her, or her holding me… these were the times when I found it easiest to consider the idea of an 'us', to imagine something like this might be a life instead of something dismissible.

The night on Reito's roof returned to me once again, the seasons now reversed. Being so close to her, the clean smell of saltwater floating in the evening and in her hair replacing the smell of ice from months ago. I shut my eyes to properly savor this because it was what I wanted months ago given to me. Just as they were before, my actions were merely a reason to touch her.

An unusually long stretch of time elapsed before I arrived at something to say. "I've always found it curious how very different the sea looks at night."

She continued watching the ocean warily. "I don't like it." It was said quietly.

"It is unsettling, not all that different from walking in the woods after dark, I suppose," I spoke into her hair.

"Do you like the ocean?"

"I think it is beautiful. The vastness of it and the color in the daylight, the way that it reflects and distorts at the same time, but I would prefer to stay on the beach."

"Can you swim?"

I smiled to myself. "Not exceptionally well, but with sufficient skill so as not to drown myself. In truth, I have little interest in wading in further than waist level."

"Why?"

"As a child, I was taken by the undertow while on vacation with my parents. My father rescued me. It was not at night, but I am sure it would have been exponentially more frightening if it had been." All I could recall of it was the sensation of being spun around, not knowing up from down, the burn of saltwater in my nose, and my father's hands…hands that seemed so large back then, plucking me from the ocean's grasp.

There was a prolonged stretch of silence during which I found her completely unreadable. I watched over her shoulder as the fingers of her right hand closed around a rock, worrying it. I could not say why I didn't speak, only that it did not feel like the time to.

When she did say something, it was not anything I was prepared for. "My mother's car went off one of these cliffs." She threw the rock into the darkness and it fell through it, sinking with a wet thud. "The water looked just liked this."

When she'd said accident, I had assumed it was with another vehicle, a collision. That was somehow worse, the cold, and the blackness closing in, I could not imagine. "We do not need to stay here then, Natsuki. Not, if you wish to leave."

"I don't care if I'm up here." That explained the climbing. The intensity with which she was focused on the ocean, perhaps that was what made me hold her tighter.

Turning around to face me she knelt between my legs, between my parted thighs. I drew them beneath me to give her more room. We sat while observing one another in a run of silence. Her in shorts, I was attempting not to look down because I had already. My palms were dying to know what her legs felt like, how her calves would feel resting against them, how smooth her thighs would be if I ran fingers along them. And how could my thoughts so quickly turn after what we'd just spoken of? I felt ashamed.

Those stunning green eyes bored deeply into my own as if they were trying to make sense of me and her lips turned up on the right side. Her eyelids then fell closed for a moment. I observed all of this, confused by it. I felt my head tilt.

She was clearly nervous but leaned forward slowly pressed her lips to mine. Her face was still difficult to decipher when we parted, but then she moved to kiss me again. My hand fell to her uncovered knee to steady myself. A kiss is like anything else, it has a personality… a character. They are always best when styles compliment each other and I had been kissed well before, but this was entirely different as so much about being with her was. Her kisses, they became more and more passion provoking with time, with each receding of her fears and insecurities. The kisses we shared when she was intoxicated, they held the least restraint… but the kisses we shared now, inhibitions taken by what continued to build between us, by immersive feeling, were drowning me. As she settled into this, into us, they became a caress, stroking bottom lip, lush touches of her mouth to mine, everything expressive, even her breath betraying her when her closed eyes were unable. I could neither explain nor pinpoint what in her kisses swathed my mind, soaked my confused senses in calming pools of delicious warmth. These were not like candy as sometimes is said of addictive kisses. They were like some savory taste given in bites too small to satisfy such that each one only left me wanting more, only left me wondering and picking at what could result in such a sensory experience. They drove me mad through the haze though, most especially when her fingers found their way to the base of my neck. She always held onto me when we kissed, as though she were staying herself against it. It was no wonder they did nothing to relieve my tension.

When we broke contact, her gaze left mine, head turning to find the rolling waves. Her neck moved as she swallowed again. The first time she did that, looked away after we'd kissed, it concerned me. I had since realized she was processing the experience. Where they left me with toe-curling need and heated skin, our kisses seemed to leave her stunned. To some extent, beyond the desire, they surprised me as well, the things that I felt with her.

That look was a look of analysis and there was most definitely something she was considering as concerned our kisses and touches, in my reactions. It was something I tried to unravel many times before, but I still could not bring myself to ask her directly. The very idea of it terrified me. Us together like this, the anxiousness still existed for both of us. When she returned to herself, she reached out... touched my hair again and I let her do as she wished with it. The strands were pulled away and drawn back from my neck. Warm lips hovered there, breath warming my skin before she kissed it. My eyes closed at the feeling.

"Is this ok?" The quiet question surprised me as did its timing. It was spoken just below my ear and I felt her forehead rest, then tighten against my skin.

It seemed she had noticed my struggles, perhaps interpreted it as reluctance. It was not what I intended and not what I felt, at least not in the way she believed.

Why was I was still embarrassingly plagued by the question of whether this was for my sake or out of real desire? My mind was now debating itself… _had her behavior when she was intoxicated not had suggested that beneath her anxiousness, she did want this? That she wanted to further the sexual side of our relationship? Had all of her actions tonight not suggested it as well?_ How to know if she was ready?

Holding these walls up and holding myself back all at once was so strenuous now, and I wondered if it would not be better to let them fall. They would sooner or later anyway. My hesitation was again noticed, and she drew back, watching me.

"Natsuki," I could not seem to find words beyond her name, at that particular moment. Adjusting as I moved closer, a thigh between hers, her right thigh between mine…I dared not lower myself.

Her hands unsteadily moved forward, cautiously slipped beneath the fabric of my shirt, fingers gliding across my abdomen, cool touches on my warm skin. In these last seconds, I had progressed beyond struggling against myself and as she touched me, sober and deliberate, I hardly wanted to even try. Hot air jetted from her nose, the noise drawing my attention. She kept my eyes when I opened them, something that looked very much like a challenge drilling into me as her touch traveled to my ribs. My palms moved to her thighs unbidden, a few inches above her knees. The familiar goosebumps rose along her legs as my hands slid, glided outward… landed near her hips.

Her exhale carried the slightest unsteadiness as she leaned forward, her lips following the curve of my neck again, pulling my stomach taut. The sensation of it, thankfully blew my thoughts to pieces, sweeping them away as she followed the muscles there. Her forehead eventually fell to rest on my shoulder, but her hands did not still. Her touch was slow motion, coercive as it pushed up my torso… devouring as it journeyed higher still.

"Shizuru, tell me to stop." My mind barely understood what she'd said, but I felt confusion at it, why she felt it should be said. "If that's what you want." She added, her hands resting where she'd left them.

My answer was whispers woven from weakness, desires leaking through. All that I could think was that I wanted this now, while she was sober and my eyes fell closed. The blood crept up my nape, as embarrassment and fear snapped against me, still I spoke. "And if I do not want that, Natsuki?"

I felt her head roll, mouth close to my ear. "Then stop being so damn careful with me." Those words and all of the desire, it was like steam rising from my limbs and torso, curling my back. I was unready when her hands flitted over my breasts, resting there with feather lightness, as though they were untouchably hot. That green gaze dropped and then palms settled firmly over the cloth that covered them.

My body began to absolutely rebel against my continued passivity in this, began to stress my edges, taking my voice, and the defenses against my longings and I physically felt it slipping down. And what she'd said was permission of sorts, I fell a little further. After a moment of hesitation, I pressed my lips to her jaw, working back to the edges of her tattoo. She tensed, expelling air loudly and it was concentrated heat on my shoulder. In response, she squeezed me almost reflexively, made my thighs tense.

It surprised me how unusually difficult it was for me to release a tease that in all other situations would have been nothing to me, that the act of teasing her could ever make me nervous.

"I cannot recall. Have I properly congratulated you on your promotion?" I asked, leaning into her to steady myself as much as enhance my words.

"When I got it." She answered, voice becoming uneven. The need hanging about me, licking at my reason, and coating my words still felt dangerous when directed at her. Did she feel it too? How could she not when it was burning me alive? It might have been something I was imagining in my haze, but I thought I could hear it in her response.

"That was over the phone though, was it not?" I made my way over to her ear, allowing myself the luxury of sinking into her nearness, sinking down onto her leg a bit. _Sinking_ … it was an apt descriptor for what was happening to me.

"So?" She squeezed me in retaliation with deliberateness, her touch turning firmer, and a soft moan had to be wrestled into submission. I was just barely able to hush it and her face acquired the most interesting look as a hint of sound escaped me.

"It can be difficult to properly convey sincerity when it is not in person." My words were starting to feel more natural, but we were both winding tighter and the energy beneath my skin was becoming nearly uncontainable.

"Shizuru," Said so lowly, eyelids fluttering, fingers playing at the edges of the fabric of my bikini, at the edge of where I thought she'd stop herself, at the edges of my already devastated restraint. If she actually touched me, my bare skin… I did not know.

I chose my words as I chose the placement of each kiss, each bit of contact stroking my need, stoking a new craving that had just emerged for some semblance of power in this. I wanted a way to combat my body's ready submission to her touch, I wanted a bit of control back.

"I just want to be sure that you feel the depth of it."

"That's what you're calling this? Sincerity?" Her forehead wrinkled and her eyes clenched as I bit lightly at the skin below her ear. "Mm, shit." That tone, that depth in her voice was positively delicious. My eyelids fluttered as the shaky exhalations hit my shoulder. I could feel their warmth through my shirt.

"Are you not convinced?" My hands were slipping along an abdomen that was nearly twitching with tension. Was it excitement or fear or both? I found it absurdly difficult to consider the consequences of either. "Perhaps I should try harder, then?" The skin of her ear was so soft, so inviting, impossible to resist kissing or nibbling. What had been building in me, gathering in my fingers and toes and lips, it was smothering and smoldering at once.

There was not an answer, more of a muffled groan as her head rolled back a bit, her hand slipped from my chest to grip my sides. She was absolutely gorgeous this way and it set off some muted alarm in my head that I would find her this appealing when she was out of her depth. It had always been true, that I enjoyed her flustered, but was it wrong? Eyes were half-open now, her air heavy as it exited her nose, as that spark returned. Her piercing flickered with the pinkish-orange of dying sunlight as her nostrils flared. I had not thought we'd take it this far.

"Natsuki," I spoke against the shell of her ear, my tone not quite even either, was that fear or the desire in me? I placed another kiss on her ear, behind it, running lips along that graceful neck again. A definite shiver before her skin gathered in points again. I simply watched her for a few moments as her eyes drilled their way into mine. It was a moment before I recognized the path my hands were taking as they followed her ribcage, wanting to feel her as she had me.

It was like a button pressed and quite unexpectedly she sat up, her body pressing against my own. She took the upper hand from me by pushing her leg further between mine. The shift was such that I could do nothing but sink onto her thigh. My shock deepened as she slid her hands fully beneath the top of my bikini… over my bare breasts. I was acutely aware of the heat, my dangerously quickening pulse, the smoothness of her palms, and the responses that she was evoking. Her head had dropped, breath shaky, forehead on my collarbone just above hands that were robbing me of thought, of any measure of reciprocation

I could nearly see her ears pricking at each small noise she drew from me. The intensity that somehow reached through my crumpled willpower, the touch of fear I felt tugged at me for attention. I tried to speak. "Should we not…"

A sharp gasp replaced what I would say, because she had nipped at me lightly, at the skin of my chest. Between my surprise and her massaging hands and our bodies pressing impossibly tighter together, I lost my words. Her mouth was suddenly pressed solidly against mine, thumbs passing against the tips of my breasts. A small cry that I attempted to hold was swallowed and muted in those kisses. There was so much caught in the touch of our lips, an urgency that was more pronounced than in any other kiss we'd shared, a hunger I could no longer hide… and my mind left me. Abandoned by reason, my fingers dug with more pressure than I intended into her sides.

"Natsuki!" Her harshly whispered name was all the air left in my lungs, awareness drawn suddenly to the friction of our thighs because mine had begun to tense subtly against her and without my permission… a match to the movement of her thumbs.

A hand moved and pulled the fabric of my shirt to the side, taking the top of my bikini with it. Neither, like me, provided much resistance. Her soft lips were touching me before I could fully process it, her tongue was on my now straining skin and she'd taken this further than we'd yet gone. I twisted inside and out at the shock of it. A low moan was thrown from me, the first that I failed to muffle. It was too quick, my response, too instinctual as was the flexing of my fingers. She froze at the sound and then lips pulling back, a sharp exhale against me.

I felt like dying for a moment, the sudden loss too great.

"Ha," It was a harsh murmur against the side of my breast in a tone I'd not heard her use and it vibrated skin, drawing a small tremor because I was still recovering from the pang that had seized my abdomen. I could not think of what to say above the blood coursing through my temples. Those hands speedily withdrew and cut my reverie short.

As suddenly as it had started, it had all stopped, that stunned look returned. We were left staring at one another, my body far too awake, neither of us fully master of our respiration, me not fully master of myself. My eyes felt wide enough to fall out of my head, hers not far behind. The sensations pounding through me made it hard to think, hard to focus… hard to know what was real and what was haze. _Was she upset? What had just happened?_ The unanswered firing of confused nerve endings was scrambling my mind.

She was studying me, gaze searching and wandering over me where I was still bared to her. Blushes overcame us both as she took me in. There was desire there as they visually traced me, but when they met mine it had molded itself back into that unreadable thing again. Like this, my exposed skin losing color to the gathering dark, a tiny glisten to my breast… sitting atop her leg with cheeks darkened, I felt as untamed as my hair. A noise of undeniable sensual pleasure had snuck past my lips, making what little I could hide of this, woefully obvious. I must've looked the very definition of wantonness. I felt it and was that unattractive to her? Was the truth, that I had so much of this in me, that I was a creature that belonged to such things…was that unattractive to her? Frightening even? _I love you_ , _I adore you, you have me_ that was what I would have had my body and my eyes say if I could control it. I did not know if any of it came through because every inch of me was screaming _I want you_ , screaming for permission to take this to its conclusion. I had never had occasion to doubt myself in such a position because it had never truly been about anything besides this… except once. A part of me was desperately trying to close up, to erect some sort of barrier against remembering yet again, against considering why she stopped. Unusually exposed, that was how I felt beneath her hands and mouth… such raw desperation for her so very visible. I readjusted my clothes. _Too much at once…_ and moved, intending to put some space between us. Her hands as they gripped my waist, halted me. Lips covered mine, the desire still there and my arms were immediately at her shoulder.

"I'm taking you home." Her voice was steady now and it ran over me like water, the meaning made unambiguous by green eyes. I had no words, only a nod.

**Digression #28: Kuga Duran  
Date: April 26th, 2014… a Saturday**

Kuga Duran was a timid six-year-old Shiba inu whom Natsuki had selected from his littermates at the age of nine weeks. Duran experienced the world by sorting things into one of two categories: scary and nice. Scary things were any novelties, unexpected changes, breaking of habits, or loud things. Nice things were predictable or food-based. Some things could be both. For example, grass. Grass was an absolute delight when the sun was out and it grew long and thick in the yard of their home. Grass was a terror when the sun was out too long… crispy and crunchy, unpleasant to his feet, and inedible. The fact that the same thing could suddenly switch from nice to scary without warning made him decide in his puppyhood that life was more often than not, a thing to be concerned over. Thusly, he approached all things except those he knew very very well, with due caution.

There had been many changes in his life, some of which were scarier than others. Some had turned out to be nice even though they seemed scary at first. When they moved to this new home, Duran had hidden under the bed for two weeks because it was one of the few things that still smelled of their old home… the couch too, bed to couch, bed to couch and back again. Then he'd discovered the yard. Their old place had no yard, no green space, no tiny creatures scampering about to chase. This was better, this was nice and he set about laying on everything such that it all smelled the same. Soon it was fine with him. There were also things that seemed scary at first because they were. The most frightening of these had been the unexplained disappearance of the man. The man was his master's friend. He was the only one who could go on her bed besides Duran. They were special that way. The man was never scary because he had been around for as long as Duran could remember and he had many redeeming qualities. The two best of these were that he was big, which meant he could protect, and more importantly he left food on the low table in the room with the rug. Duran liked to follow him, liked to trail behind him and see what he was doing. It felt natural to follow him, as natural as it felt to follow his master. The man also would chase him. Chasing was one of those double-edged swords… wonderful when done by one of the inner circle, a nightmare when done by a stranger.

The man's disappearance had been sudden and seemed to upset his master as much as it did him. They had huddled in the bed for weeks afterward and she had rubbed his head, gently between his eyes and down his snout, which was very nice. In fact, it was his favorite way to be pet. He had closed his eyes those nights and groomed her arm for her because being clean was nice and she deserved something nice too. The last time Duran saw the man was when he came to put things in boxes. His master was not there then. Putting things in boxes was not a double-edged sword. Putting things in boxes was always bad. The dog had stayed close by his side all day while he did this, giving the man looks, looks meant to show his displeasure, flops to the ground, ears pulled back, down tail… but it did not stop the boxes, the screeching tape, the moving of things. The man had finally understood when it became dark outside and sat down on the couch, calling him over. He'd approached slowly, warily, hopped up, and then the man had pet him for a very long time. That had been nice and Duran had been reassured. He was wrong though and the man never came back after that. Duran had sat by the door at the time when the man was supposed to come to visit, day after day and nothing. His master did not get it, even if he could sense that she was upset too. Instead of bringing back the man, she would take him for long walks or scratch him the way he liked or buy him toys or give him peanut butter… all of which were nice, but none of which were the man. Eventually, he gave up, but he never understood… never. He never quite understood how the man had suddenly reappeared either... that was too nice to find scary even if it was unexpected.

The girl had come around the time he stopped waiting by the door. She was one he'd met a couple of times now and had been switched from scary to nice some time ago, even if her presence was sporadic. Strangely she smelled much like his master but looked very different… longer, lighter, bouncier. She did not move as deliberately as his master did. However, she could do the same thing with her voice that his master could when the sky thundered and rained… make soft, pretty sounds that made him want to sleep. They did it only when it was just Duran. It was special, like the bed. He liked the girl a lot and she made his master feel happy. The three of them and the cranky girl with the irresistible lap that was there so much… a new pack. He'd grown used to this new life, this new circle and it had become very nice.

Lately, though, there'd been another big change. The woman who smelled like tea and sounded like music when she spoke had come. It was not like the music his master listened to that made him want to shake his toys or move to another room depending, but like the kind that the girl listened to when she dragged delicious-looking pencils across less delicious paper. This woman was very confusing to him at first, which was scary. She was a stranger, which put her in the scary category to start with, but she also seemed to make his master both happy and anxious at the same time. That was hard to sort for him. The woman herself was also both happy and anxious most of the time as well, which again was hard to sort. Her house smelled strange, but not bad and there had been food when he'd been there and a new toy.

The new toy made him think she might be nice. This new thing was unlike any other he'd had before. He'd thrown it around like all the others, held it down with his paws, and tried to eviscerate it. No outpouring of fluff, no tearing, no matter how hard he tried. The squid was tough. He'd thrown it against walls and shaken it with all his might, but it did not give in. By vigorously shaking it, he did, however, discover that he could make its arms slap pleasantly against his back as if it were pleading for salvation he had no intention of granting. It was thrilling but made not a single dent in the plush squid's impenetrable armor. Duran had accidentally stumbled upon a second, most excellent game to play with it. He'd drag it up the stairs and let it go, its heavy arms making it tumble all the way to the floor. He would run back down and drag it back up and do it all over again. It was one of the nicest games he'd ever played because it did not rely on humans to move the toy. Humans were totally unreliable about such things no matter how much he fussed, easy to fatigue in play. The squid was definitely nice…but that woman, even with the squid, he still wasn't sure about her.

The woman was a double-edged sword. She had been allowed in the bed, which was both scary and nice… because it was special and he was not sure why his master would allow it. He began to follow the woman, check her out, and sniff her when she was turned around. The longer she stayed, the less his master seemed to be anxious, but the opposite was true of the woman who smelled like tea. She seemed to feel the same as he did when it was too hot outside for walking, restless with pent-up movement and play. He started bringing her his new toy and laying it beside her whenever she came over so that she would have an outlet. She would look down at him and smile, but she did not feel light like others did when they made that expression. It was confusing. The first time he'd given her the toy, she picked it up and handed it back to him. He'd grabbed the tentacles and tried to rip it away, whipping his head back and forth to begin a game of tug, but that had been scary for her. She'd let go immediately. The next time she'd tossed it lightly, which seemed to work better for the both of them. He also would go over to her and tap her leg when she was very tense. His master noticed him doing this and would move over to the woman, which calmed her. Sometimes he would lick the woman's leg or hand, which she did not seem to like, but allowed. She seemed to respond best to him simply sitting beside her or following her… that was nice because it was easy and comfortable.

The more he followed her, the more he leaned toward her being nice even if she was tense a lot. There was a scale tipper last week. Duran discovered that the woman liked to sleep. The woman had stayed in bed hours after his master, keeping it wonderfully warm. He'd laid on her feet and she had not moved, only made soft noises… she tended to do that in her sleep. The man had never allowed him to sleep on his feet. It was a victory and it gave him his answer, the woman who smelled like tea was officially nice and he planned to treat her that way from now on.

**Aside #28: Well-Made Mistakes** _(Thought)_

Her memory fell to a night a few weeks back. She remembered lying between two bodies, the flesh warm and belonging to men a few years younger than she was. They were part of the pool of young executives, family 'friends', and people of prominence gathered for a birthday party. The girl for whom the party was thrown, had spent most of the night attached to her oddly attractive former nanny… who didn't look a goddamn thing like Nao thought a nanny should. These men, their chests rose and fell on either side of her, peacefully, contentedly, and yet she felt no such thing. This was supposed to make her feel better, using these men with their strange accents and scant ability to converse with her. No talking was better and rough, emotionless, animal surrender was supposed to be her release, a bit of fun. She liked the surprise in their eyes, the look that told her that they had no fucking clue what to do with this, that they had an entirely different notion of what a Japanese girl would be like in bed.

It had started so well, two guys and her. It was perfect, something fresh, and then they goddamn started kissing each other. Weird as hell, that's what it was, cute in a totally fucking bizarre way, but not what she expected or wanted. Some irrational part of her blamed Kuga. It was like the woman had open a big old sack of gay and dumped it all over her life. Not only did she have to think about the pup that way, imagine the two of them kissing, fucking oh so gently, now she had to watch the pride parade first-hand and over her naked body. She didn't know if she had ever asked their names. In any case, they were long forgotten. The one with freckles and the one with blue eyes, that's who they had been to her…all they'd been.

Nao's thoughts kept flying to the girl. Those two men, she slept with them because when the delicious fucking small-batch vodka had been popped open, her mind started doing what it did best, crafting a well-made mistake. She deserved a giant, ridiculously explosive fuck-up for all the shit that had just happened to her, for her do-gooding in coming along on this little adventure. She'd been playing whack-a-mole with her grief for weeks now. Better to drown it in sin.

When Alyssa's father came, sought her out to chat, obviously untrusting, with this aura of power, the same one Kuga had at times… that stupid, but sexy touch of arrogance, the thoughts just came. What he did say was short and directed and unimportant, because his eyes spoke much more. Apparently, it was a family thing, that unsubtle stare. She would have fucked him in a heartbeat, wife, or not. Then her eyes caught a shock of blonde hair, a big toothy smile directed at her. This egotistical but attractive dick was Alyssa's father. She wanted to fuck Alyssa's father. She had wanted to be one half of cheating on the mother of the blonde teenager who was smiling at her from across the room, waving gently. She was stuck on it, on why the fuck it should matter whose father he was? Why the hell did she feel so damn put off by herself? This nagging sensation that she was doing something wrong, it hit her like a fist because it was insanely rare in her life.

Irritated, that was how she felt as she left the room and walked away from the gays that had just tumbled out of the closet, off of her, and onto each other. She was further irritated that she felt guilty about using a spare room in the house. There were a goddamn million rooms in that house. It wasn't even a house. It was a disgustingly show-offy mansion. She didn't feel guilty about things, that was part of the glory of being her. No guilt, just selfish living. She did what she fucking wanted and fuck everyone else and why the hell couldn't that apply that to Alyssa? Why the hell had the girl hired her as an assistant? Offered to give her way too much money to do it? She was totally fucking unqualified for the position and she hated favors. Why the fuck had she said 'yes' then?

Watching the girl reunite with her nanny had been a bit much too. Like a mother to her, that was what the girl said. A mother that could just spontaneously reemerge and walk back into the girl's life like she had never disappeared in the first place… a second chance, a rebirth, and this metaphorical bullshit thinking annoyed her. Life shouldn't be the way it was. People shouldn't die and fuck what she'd said to Kuga on the balcony. _These things happen, people die_. It was still a heaping pile of bullshit and that damn nun, counseling her, talking to her, making her feel a little less horrible… killing the grief that was the only thing she had left of her mother.

Watching Kuga with the lesbian wasn't a walk in the park either, them smiling at each other like morons. She thought the pup was smarter than this, she thought when she fucking massacred Tate's soft little heart by accident it was because she knew deep down love was bullshit, and now this. Watching that dyke doctor flirt with all her friends, smiling and unconcerned at the beach just like at the bar, just like her mother's stupid ass boyfriends who thought they could fuck around 'cause she was sick, it pissed her off. That was annoying from the standpoint that she wasn't supposed to give two shits. Where had all this caring come from? It was irksome as all fuck. She didn't even really know the woman. What she'd said to her on that ocean overhang, it was because she never got to say it to the assholes who deserved it. Better to say it to someone who could check themselves before they fucked over someone who didn't deserve it.

She stared down at her phone, at the text she'd sent to the Kendo captain. He was such an idiot and she was gonna fuck him again anyway, in Kuga's guest bedroom. A fucking giant mistake, perfectly made and substituted for the one she had wanted to make in England. She needed to destroy something, to prove a point, that she didn't fucking care, that she did what she wanted, that her mother's death hadn't made her realize that there were people she cared about… people that mattered to her… people that could be ripped away... that she wasn't doing this now because she knew it would be over before Alyssa made it back. Ten minutes… he'd be here. She imagined Kuga's face as she walked in on them, the horror, the ruining of whatever stupid romantic bullshit the two had planned.

Her thumb passed over the send key. What the hell had she just done? A text to Kuga, letting her know she was staying here tonight with the damn dog. Nao knew her friend would get what she meant and go to the lesbian doctor's place instead. From the kiss between the damn rocks, she'd accidentally walked by it seemed a foregone conclusion anyway. Kuga would miss all the fun she planned to have with Takeda, no nasty surprise. Her head fell back against the wall and she grabbed her bag fishing out her cigarettes. It was absolutely her last good deed, letting the pup have her night away. She could still fuck up Takeda, it was good enough.

She climbed atop the desk to pull open the window. Leaning out of it, lighting the cigarette, her mind raced. What the hell was happening to her? She shook her head in annoyance as she rested a foot on the drawer pull, it sliding out a bit under the weight. _Fuck emotions_. She reaffirmed this, as she glanced at the items inside. Her eyebrow rose as she looked at the contents of the drawer. Duct tape, rubber bands, a ruler… _yes, fuck caring_ … she had other ways to forget and another mistake to make. Fuck him for checking on her, texting her. A bit of a grin, because maybe she could make sure it was more his mistake than hers.


	29. Being With Her, Natsuki, and Mai HiME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> M-rated chapter

**Narrative #29: Being With Her  
Date: May 3, 2014 … a Saturday**

She'd come home with me, presumably with the intention of taking this further. We'd barely spoken on the ride home, only quick glances at one another. The both of us were very much lost to our own thought, mine mostly about her and hers…I could not even begin to guess. It was obvious to me that she was taking me back to my own home fairly soon after we left and I did not comment on it, tried not to be concerned about it. The first thing she did when we were inside, when I had locked the door, was kiss me again, which caught me off guard. The second was to stare into my eyes afterward, rebuild the tension in me, blush sweetly, and then confuse me utterly by requesting to use my shower. I'd only nodded, feeling a bit adrift. She wished to rinse the salt and sand and sunscreen from her skin I assumed, having been at the beach all day. It should have made more sense than it did.

I'd decided perhaps I should do the same and so I walked in something of a daze to my bedroom, ignoring the sounds of running water, the visions in my head of where those drops were falling at the moment. I selected a few items of clothing and with a sigh, made my way down the hall toward the alternate bedroom I used primarily as an office. I used the second bathroom to wash myself as well, if only to prevent myself from climbing in with her. Invading her shower would likely not be the best way to handle this. That much I was sure of even if she would be conveniently divested of clothing already. It was something that stood out to me, that I'd yet to remove any article of clothing from her, to touch anything more intimate than a neck or a shoulder or her back occasionally, but only with my hands beneath her shirt. There was a reason for that… _I_ was the reason. I could not banish the recent memory of her lips on my breast as the water ran across me, my hair up and out of the way. The pressure of the falling water was almost annoying on my overly reactive skin and I made short work of cleansing myself. As happy as I was to simply be with her without pretending that I felt nothing… I would admit to myself it was not enough. It had taken all my strength to resist seducing her thus far, most especially because I was certain from the look that appeared in her eyes at times, a look that concentrated my own feelings into a pulsing ball of need…that I'd be successful. Perhaps I'd half-seduced her once or twice, but it was her hands, her mouth on my body first. I'd tried to approach this from a logical perspective, to consider my past, and decided before her lips called my decisions into question, that I did not want to be the one to initiate. That was not entirely honest, I did want to be, but I thought I should not be.

Now that it appeared she was ready, I still felt this little pang of fear I'd not felt before. That this, even though I would enjoy it immensely, despite the short-lived solace such activities seemed to bring me, it would not be the same for her. That the brush of our skin would somehow sully her, upset her. It was a thought that I wished I could crumple like a used sheet of paper, toss away or burn. I was so tired of having such thoughts biting at me. She'd taken me home with no small amount of suggestion in her voice. It stood in opposition to those beliefs, brought this all from the realm of imagined into reality… warm-skinned, beautiful, willing reality. I was surprised by the mild panic I felt at the possibility of having something I desired so intensely being unashamedly given to me.

Perhaps the truth of it was that I could not completely trust myself with her and that was what scared me so much. I could not truly conceive of us staying together, not until we'd done this, not until I'd woken up next to her and seen not a trace of regret in her face, not a single indication that I'd pushed her into anything or that there was anything in what was between us that she found distasteful. My loving Natsuki, I had not yet said that I did… I had come close tonight, though. I wondered how obvious the depth of my feelings was to her. I hoped not too, because I did not want to say _I love you_ , to sleep with her and have her walk away because the love I felt was too tainted with desire, too tainted in general. I did not want the things I still feared were true reaffirmed, to hear them spoken by her, to have her face as she said them etched irrevocably into my brain. _Natsuki was not the same person_. By the same token, I was not exactly what I had been then either. I reminded myself of all this yet again as I toweled my body dry and dressed.

As I came back into my bedroom, feeling cleaner but no more comfortable in a fresh set of clothes, I watched her as she stared off into space. She was wearing an outfit I very much enjoyed, a shirt she'd left here on purpose, with the shorts she'd been wearing, likely because she had nothing else here save a pair of dress pants. Like most items of clothing that she owned, they fit her well. She'd also kept her hair up in the shower, it was as dry as mine. This night was progressing strangely, almost moving backward with both of us here…now clean and dressed again.

Her knees were bent and drawn to her chest, eyes slightly hooded. It was the same far-away pose she often assumed when things became intense between us as if she were stewing herself in the sensation. It was one of the more delicious looks I'd ever seen on her face, second only to the one she made in response to chocolate. There was something different in her posture now. I could sense that Natsuki was anxious, but not so nervous that it had prevented her from touching me earlier. As a general rule, she was seldom so nervous that it prevented her from doing anything she really wanted to, which should have been a comfort. What I did not know was why she felt that way. Slowly, but with an ease that was meant to disguise my worry, I walked over and stood by the side of the bed, preparing to sit beside her.

"I want to." Her low voice came out of nowhere and though it was quiet, it filled the room. I could tell she was avoiding looking my way and I tried to hide my surprise that she wanted to talk about this. What she couldn't say concerned me, but I hid it behind a gentle smile.

I glanced down at her, tucking a strand of mildly unruly hair behind my ear, pushing a bit of honesty out. "Do I make you nervous, Natsuki?"

"I didn't want it to be outside." Her eyes held a flatness that I'd not seen in them for some time. I wondered if it was on purpose. I hoped she'd not learned that from me, and it was a silly thought because she'd been able to do such things for as long as I'd known her. "And it's not you. It's this."

That answer was not one I expected, but I needed to ensure that we were speaking of what I believed we were. "Sex makes you nervous?"

She was avoiding meeting my eyes, only a quick glance, and a slight frown. "It always has."

At least it was not about the both of us being women or about me. It would not be a new thing for me, to be with a woman who was not completely comfortable with the idea of it, but the way that her discomfort stayed with me, pulled from me a need to soothe it, was new. Before I would have been content to simply overwhelm her with sensation, to pit body against mind, but this…with her…I wanted it to be more. I had no 'how' for that.

"There is no reason to rush." There were many reasons to rush, the most pressing of which was the growing sense that I might explode. I was not being even the slightest bit honest with her. Why my deception felt so wrong when it was what was best for her?

"Shizuru," Lips pulled to the side, but her gaze fell steadily on me, a slow close of her eyelids and then green again. "I think about it. I've _been_ thinking about it. I wanna touch you."

She held my eyes and I tried not to react too obviously to words that made me want to throw myself before her and plead. The fact that she had chosen to say 'touch you', had stated her desire to do so somehow added to the unintentional eroticism of her statement. The fact that she had stated her want openly, it was something I had not known I'd needed to hear, yet still, there was resistance in me.

"Truly, there is no reason it needs to happen now if you do not feel ready." A part of me cursed in frustration as I said this, clawed at my skin, and a sudden and completely bizarre urge to wring my own neck arose.

That strange, wild part of me…the part I could never silence despite all that I still feared was true, that never could behave rightly, that wanted what it wanted outside of consequence and steered me in such activities all too often, that part of me was mercilessly shoving, twisting, scratching to be freed. Perhaps that was also a part of what scared me, the prospect of her seeing that side of me, bared and wanting as I had been tonight, and then she'd stopped. She'd already explained why though, had she not?

Her eyes were downcast, her expression frustrated as she prepared to say whatever she was planning to say. "I'm not gonna be ready."

Those words worried me terribly, but the firmness behind them convinced me to continue this talk. I moved closer to her, brushing her hand with mine. "Do you not think with a bit more time that you might…"

"I won't." She was staring at me, serious and unshakably present. 

I was embarrassed, but could not show it, could not explain how animalistic my desires made me feel in her shadow. I forced more softness from my body, let my fingertips trace her cheek. The temptation was still so strong. I wanted to rush this… I wanted her with such intensity that it nearly overwhelmed me, but as much as it pained me, I still recognized that was exactly why I should not take the lead even if it was being offered.

Swallowing my own desires, I looked at her, holding her eyes, smiling at her. "There is nothing about what we do now that I do not enjoy."

"That's not what I meant." There was a touch of aggravation in her tone and I wondered if I had been too eager, showed too much of it to her already.

"Kanin-na, but does it seem as though I am dissatisfied?"

"No." Her eyes fell shut as she interrupted. "Damn it." She moved forward to the edge of the bed, legs parting around me as I stood between them blinking down at her. "I don't want it to be like this." I was all curiosity and pounding heart and my mind tripped over messages I could not untangle. It left me with alternating flashes of heat and hurt. Her eyes were almost fighting with mine and though I could not have given voice to the topic of argument, I felt a tide of defensiveness rising in me anyway. "Don't make this another thing to keep away from yourself."

Another touch of humiliation washed over me, that it would be so obvious, my struggle to contain myself, "There are some things which must be controlled."

Her eyes never left mine as she spoke. "You're not a thing."

The seriousness in her voice, it unsettled me and I fell into a smile, feeling guilty for it. I was not sure if she was twisting my words, or if I had let slip something that was unintentionally truer than what I would have said if I'd been more careful.

"Natsuki should not be so concerned. It is for the sake of what is between us that I..."

"Shizuru!" The tone of her voice drew my attention immediately. She did not usually speak to me with that commanding tone, had not since our first meetings. "Stop talking." Hands gripped the hem of my shirt tightly, forehead falling to my abdomen. Fingertips crept beneath the fabric and onto my bare stomach. "Just let me." Another demand, spoken low as she touched my skin.

I was too shocked to say anything anyway. I did not know what I was more afraid of, her stopping or her continuing. She pushed the shirt up, palms sliding along my ribs, and placed her lips on the skin above my navel, her touch grew in steadiness. My eyes fell closed and I threaded fingers in her hair, still incredibly surprised as she ran her nose along my abdomen. Whatever bit of me would continue to fight this broke over a soft sigh.

That nose, its slight curve, perfect shape, and smoothness made me smile each time I felt it touch me. She was so prone to running the tip of it along my neck, my jaw, my ear, the feel of her piercing as it rested against my collarbone was familiar by now. As she pulled back, I sat beside her and she lifted my shirt higher. I raised my arms, disbelieving, yet letting her remove it completely. Her eyes flicked down to my chest, widening.

I lifted my hand to her chin, bringing her face to mine with my fingertips, kissing her.

She forced an exhale from between her teeth, green drifting up to me then down again. Hands raised, confidence finding some purchase and I covered her hands with my own almost without thought, brought each to my mouth before letting them go. One palm she rested around my shoulder, while the fingertips of her other followed the edge of the cup of my bra. She seemed quite fascinated by the fabric itself, yet again running her fingers along it as though appreciating its lines, the trim work. I'd chosen it on purpose and happily, it seemed I'd been right. I wondered how deep her interest in these things ran. The pressure of it was something I could just barely feel. Her caressing fingertips, where they hit my bare skin were so very warm and pulled me from my wanderings.

She brought her lips to mine as her hand slipped from my shoulder to my hair. Our chests brushed and I tried not to react too strongly when she began to kiss back in earnest, body relaxing. Just a kiss with less clothing, just this, for now. My mind was submerged in the sensation, beneath the scent of my own soaps on her skin…hints of jasmine and mandarin as her body warmed. Lingering alongside those pretty smells was one belonging to her specifically, they absolutely filled my head. I was very nearly breathing her in. Thankfully it seemed to affect her as well and she hummed slightly, pulling in air through her nose, fingers flexing against my side. I let my hands tangle in the black silk that hung from her head. Hot puffs of air hit my lips when she pulled away and I could feel the pounding pulse in her neck, tapping against my forearm.

I held my breath when her fingers moved to reach between my breasts, undoing the clasp. Her stare was fixed on my body even with the loosened cups still covering most of me. Feigning a calmness I did not possess, I smiled as she paused for a moment, before pushing the fabric away. The cool air in the room was a balm on my heated skin, felt almost like a touch.

The way she looked at me, pinked cheeks and riveted attention…it gripped my heart, made it throb painfully against my ribcage as it tried to reach her. Those piercing eyes, they seemed to remember themselves and darted away for a brief moment, before settling on my face.

"Does Natsuki not like my breasts?" I teased against her ear, leaning in, trying to recover from the impact of that gaze, but there was some seriousness in the question because she had not attempted to place her hands on me.

The metal of her earrings was so smooth on my lips as I dragged them across the top of her ear, a pleasant distraction from how uncharacteristically bashful I felt. I had never needed reassurance of my own attractiveness from a lover, enjoyed it certainly, but not needed it, perhaps because more often than not, I had it beforehand, but tonight I wished for it, and there was a certain amount of embarrassment trapped inside that. Fear and desire, they were so intertwined within her gaze, and that fear... it wound its way around my own. I slipped my hands slow and steady beneath her shirt, needing the contact to refocus and her stomach muscles clenched almost spastically. Her body was tight and tense and I was unsure of this as shining eyes met mine. They were so deep that I felt like I was being swallowed whole.

The expression in them was much like confusion, eyelids sliding down to keep something from me. Her apprehensions and my own… they mixed quickly… _it may have been too soon_. Yet as they opened, it was as though a switch had been flicked. A new look appeared, desire overtaking the nervousness from moments before, mouth falling into a rather serious looking straight line. I found it so distracting that I did not realize she had moved, not until her palm was at the center of my chest, until I was being pushed onto my back, her lips covering mine as her hair fell around me, arms at either side of my head.

A moan escaped me, floating into her mouth when her sudden boldness manifested in a hand running up my clothed thigh. My disbelief was so great that I was quite literally stunned to immobility while she pulled back. I could only watch as her eyes again fell to my chest, a hand surrounding one, her head lowering to the other. The open, concentrated fascination she displayed at the reactions of my body to her touch, to the experimental licks and bites and squeezes she was giving me, it evoked unexpectedly powerful reactions in me. Curious interest, it sparkled as she turned her gaze from my skin to my face, her cheeks oddly uncolored in a situation I'd have guessed they would be. I had never felt quite like this, but the exact difference escaped me. It seemed too simple an explanation I thought, that feeling could yield such a monumental disparity of experience.

Her movements again snatched my attention completely, pulling her name from me, divided and breathy and I could not help but allow myself the pleasure of her strong shoulders beneath my palms. That rich voice vibrated against me as her hand traveled up my thigh again, dragging the fabric of the skirt I was wearing with. It was soon removed.

The shirt that she had on, even though the fabric appeared smooth, was slightly coarse on my breasts and stomach when she moved up to kiss me. I was surprised to find that the sensation of it pulling across me was not at all unpleasant. In fact, the roughness wakened my skin further and I had it in my mind to remove such a distraction until her hands were at my hips. They were following the lace that remained and she lifted herself, moved down. Another few minutes passed of soft palms, wandering trails, her hair on my thighs and stomach, my struggling to let her do as she wished. Eventually, I had to reach down and touch her face because my hips were difficult to still against her touch…and I wanted to undress her as well.

"Natsuki," I said softly and it seemed to call her to action rather than slow her down.

She looked down at my body before she slid the last of my clothing away and _staring_ … it was too gentle a word for how she looked at my naked body after pulling back. Her knife's edge gaze, it somehow left me feeling more bared as it glided over my skin. My legs bent, slightly parted, every bit of me visible, and her eyes dragging over me…this shyness, it was a reaction I found she was quite adept at causing in me.

She ran a slow hand, fingers spread and palm flat, across my stomach, stopping at the border of my ribs, my abdomen rising beneath her touch when I inhaled as much for strength as air. The warmth of her hand created a shudder that danced along my spine and left with my breath. When her eyes finally crept up to meet mine, there was strangeness inside them, and so I bit back the tease on the tip of my tongue. Instead, I curled my body upward, cupped her cheek, and brought her face toward mine. Her body followed without resistance and I watched as her eyebrows knit together, kissed her deeply. My hands slid beneath her shirt again, while she hovered above me, craving the feel of her skin again. They passed over her still covered breasts and she jerked back, lying nearly on top of me. I looked at her questioningly and she answered by bringing her mouth to my neck, pressing her leg against me, causing a gasp from both of us.

Her hand turned my head to the side. Hot air on my nape, a hand covering my breast, kneading me; these things held my eyes closed. I'd never been touched quite like this, not by someone while they were fully clothed, and I had nothing to cover me. It was an act of submission, which I had no strict objections to...it was just not something to which I was accustomed. It was something I had only allowed with rare partners, but I was ambivalent at this moment because as seducing as the energy pouring off her was...I wanted to feel her too. Any other thoughts were erased as she crawled off me, laid against my side instead, her head hovering a few inches below my navel One of the arms steadying her upper body was planted between my legs, close enough to sense but with no contact and the other was beside my hip. She eyed me as she shifted to press her lips against the crest of bone that rose beneath my skin.

I glanced down at her a bit shocked. I hadn't expected her to be so obviously okay with her hands and mouth on my body, had not considered it as a possibility. I imagined that this would be the difficult part for her, despite her willingness to touch me before. It was what my previous lovers had struggled with if they were nervous, their first time with another woman, touching me. There was no struggle in her though as her lips traveled. Soft bites and kisses across the skin of my stomach stopped me from turning us as I wanted to. Where this confidence of hers had come from, where her hand had come from as it found my thigh, how it was already so high…

"You're so soft." She murmured, as though it perplexed her.

I opened my eyes with some effort, drawn by the sound of her low voice. There was an almost analytical focus in her gaze as her hand massaged my naked hip, patterns with a clear destination. She shifted herself, lying on her side next to me, one bent leg resting atop my own. Her eyes kept jumping up and down the length of me and I realized her reason in positioning herself this way, so she could see both her hand and my face. I felt the color creep up my neck and claim my cheeks.

Having my leg captured beneath hers, positioned as I was, if we stayed this way, I would only be able to respond as she did what she wished to me. I tried to calm my nerves, a twinge of tension in me and I wondered if she realized how much control she'd once again taken from me, but I would let her because my body had already made up its mind. My hips hurried to meet her hand as it drew closer and she glanced down. She had the most stunning depth to her gaze, an intensity that gave it weight, and with it fixed where it was, I could not stop myself as I descended into further supplication. My movements were begging her so overtly that words were thankfully unnecessary. The need I felt was becoming an ache and if a body could weep, mine would be sobbing for her. In a way it already was, had been before her lips pressed to my stomach, before tonight. Ignoring the sensation was no longer an option, despite my mind's stubborn determination to bring rational thought back into this.

Just as I was a breath away from voicing my struggle...she pushed into me. Soft moans spilled across my lips as my thoughts popped like bubbles, scraps of pleasure taking their place. It startled me, the lack of timidity. Seeing those eyes drift downward, flick back up to watch my face as she touched me, I felt so opened, and yet somehow, as my tension broke beneath the steady beat of this, it only served to pull me deeper into her. It was feeding the emotions that keep leaping from my heart toward hers. I shut my eyes again, absorbed by the feeling of her pushing relentlessly deeper, by the shocks of desire it was causing, Natsuki was causing. I could not stop myself from wanting this, from wanting her...had no desire to do anything but collapse into what she was doing to me. I reminded myself that I no longer had to resist any of it. My head pushed back against the mattress, forcing my leg against hers, forcing sounds from me as I lost myself.

Her eyes stopped moving down to watch her hand and instead fixed on mine, studying me. My hands, one crawled down, holding the forearm she was using to brace herself as she experimented with me. There was not another description for her continuously gauging my responses, adjusting until she had found some combination of things that had me beside myself. I had never been able to keep myself quiet during such things. It was one of the few times my composure reliably failed me and what she was doing, how she was doing it, what I felt beneath it…I never stood a chance.

She slid up my body, keeping her pace and pressing her lips to mine, groaned against them when her movements made me sigh against hers. The sound shot through me as did the depth of her touch, both made the arch in my back. My mind and body liquefied when her thumb glided over me, all softness and sliding pressure. I could only meet her gaze as she maintained her probing stare, head tilting with every shudder that coursed through me, eyes seeking. To be touched by her, while pools of green whispered all her secret thoughts ...betrayed her with naked questions given voice by a glint or the curve of a brow, there were no words for such a thing. _Do_ _you like this? Is that better? How do I make you do that again_? My body answered helplessly, shifting and hips tilting, captured in a heated focus that was almost frightening. The way that she looked at me, loved me, a clear determination to figure out what pleased me…that she would be so full of purpose, that her purpose would be my pleasure with no thought given to herself…it was one of the most unsettlingly exposed, intoxicatingly erotic experiences I'd ever had. My perception of things was distorting and a familiar sensation began mounting inside me. Honesty in my own responses suddenly became the only thing I could reach because the sucking tension that tugged at my abdomen…as if her gaze held it captive by a chain pulled taut... was so very intense. Everything blinked away for a moment and then coalesced again with each labored breath helping to stitch me back together. The hand on my chest was to hold my heart inside it. Yet she did not stop, slowed but only until I steadied...

"Natsuki?" I questioned her, but it did no good, the focus was still there. _I want to touch you_ and those words died on my lips because hers were at my ribs and her fingers…their bending contorted my still sensitive body. "Natsuki!" My hands slapped against her skin, my feet curling and I felt the flush spill over most of my body. Wide green eyes continued observing, sorting the information and I drew in an unsteady breath to stay myself against what I'd just revealed to her.

Same motion repeated, same response and I could not even look at her face, at those eyes as she continued this, we continued this… for fear my heart would burst as my body was surely going to. My hands dropped from her, and they dug themselves into the mattress and I was teetering atop a pinpoint I had not yet fully come down from after the first time. Its sharp tip snared me, running away with my balance, with any vestige of self-control, and collecting trapped threads of feeling as it held me there. Surging sensations pulsed their beat against my abdomen, my ribs, my skull. One more intense moment and then I tumbled down. Soft electric rain feathered across my skin while rolling waves of pleasure crested beneath it. The sounds that came from me and those that she made in response…they were nearly too much, and my eyelids slid down as I tried to catch myself. I felt her shift again, her touch against over-sensitized skin as she moved away made my stomach muscles tense, and my skin prickle. A clear-headedness I'd not felt in a solid three months settled over me as the last bits of strong sensation faded. A calm I'd been missing blew in like a breeze as I ran fingers over my face, and through my hair, let them rest on my scalp while I found myself, a genuine smile on my lips. As I gathered the strength to look at her, I found her kneeling by my side and gazing saucer-eyed at her own hand. My gaze fell briefly to the moisture covering her fingers but snapped back as her face became a mask of perplexity. She lifted the tip of one to her mouth, brought it delicately to her lips. Her hand fell away and she held it a few inches from her mouth. Slowly our gazes met and held for a few silent moments…mirrored shock there. She blushed, dropping her arm and I was finding it extraordinarily difficult to believe she'd just done that, done any of what happened in fact.

Embarrassed eyes met mine and I sat myself up slowly, tucking shaky legs with still humming skin, beneath me. Leaning over, I pressed my mouth to her downturned lips, which seemed to catch her unaware. My thoughts were very directed, unconfused and I knew I wanted nothing but to please her for the remainder of the evening. Then without cause, her face slid into a pronounced frown, and my heart plummeted to my stomach. She was gathering herself, preparing to say something and a tide of anxiety began to stir inside me.

"I _do_ like your breasts Shizuru." When she spoke those particular words, it was with such obvious annoyance, a verbal poke to my chest and I could not keep a straight face. I laughed her name quietly, as much from relief as anything else. She was far too adorable, and I'd waited far too long already.

She tensed when my palms fell to her sides, but her tension did not tense me as it had before. A soft concern bounced in my chest instead. Her reaction to my hands on her body did worry me. It appeared that having her hands on me was something entirely different to her than allowing the reverse.

"Will you not let me touch you?" I felt the need to ask.

She turned her head away and I was considering whether to attempt undressing her when hesitant hands clutched the light fabric of her own shirt, undoing the buttons that stopped half-way down her chest and lifting it off. There was much less confidence in her movements now, but I understood it to be an invitation.

Her face was kept hidden by her flexed neck as she sat in a gorgeous demi-bra and her shorts, the sight of which was almost too much. She wrapped an arm around her stomach, the other bent, hand resting on her shoulder like a shield. I moved closer to her slowly, trying to ignore the unsteadiness that had yet to leave me, afraid I'd spook her. I knelt in front of her, holding her too warm face in my hands and bringing her lips to mine again. My breasts were pressing lightly into the skin of her arms, sensitive from her earlier attentions. I wanted those arms gone so very badly, wanted them around me, wanted to feel our bodies touch even if there was cloth between us. Cautiously, I moved them, slid my hands into hers, and brought us into a loose embrace.

She took over and placed them on my back, our upper bodies brushing. I sighed at the heated skin that was broken only by the feel of satin and lace. A light moan tumbled from my lips while uneven exhales danced across them. Lifting her hair away from her shoulder, I kissed along the muscles there as they tightened, following them to her neck, distracted by the sensation of her stomach pressing against mine. She clutched at my shoulder blades as I kissed her.

"Ah…shit…" The sounds were whispered, ground out from beneath her breath. Pushed from her mouth in such a manner, the curse sounded much like prayer. Tiny spasms and jerks shook her frame. I did not know whether it was anxiousness or sensitivity or a combination of both.

"Natsuki has such a foul mouth," I spoke against her jaw as I traced her supple bottom lip with my thumb. I felt the flush in her cheek warm the skin of my temple before a hot sigh spilled against my finger.

She was still wearing far far too much. So, I followed along her stomach, along the waistband of her shorts, biting my lip as her air caught. Her eyes squeezed shut when I unbuttoned them. I pushed them down her legs smoothly until her current position made it impossible. She lifted herself for a moment, surprising me as she slid straight back, stiff and deliberate. It was puzzling because there were easier ways to move, but she kept herself rigid as though unable to turn in one direction or another while she removed them completely. My confusion evaporated with the sight of wonderfully made thighs that flexed visibly when she settled back down. She certainly had excellent taste in underwear. The very feminine panties trimmed with lace, a sort of light blue, a match to her bra, made me pause to take a breath simply to calm myself. I had been correct earlier, regardless of her protestations. Physically, she was perfect and I stood by that remark. Achingly beautiful, smaller framed, and more slender than her walk, the way she carried herself suggested. I coaxed her down onto my lap, her legs parting around mine, body incredibly tight. I let my fingers slide, slow and full of purpose to the clasp of her bra where it sat over her spine, undoing it. The prospect of its removal, made her flinch, roll her shoulders back to keep it in place.

She eyed me sidelong for a brief moment and then leaned to the side, reaching for the light switch on the wall. _So, it was not only me touching them that bothered her, but me seeing them?_ I stopped her with a shake of my head and a hand on her arm, following it up to the strap on her shoulder, letting my fingers outline the edges of the fabric, loose but still in place. "Please, do not."

"Why?" She was flustered, nearly glaring at the lights.

"Because I want to see you," I said, willing myself steady, placing a kiss where my fingers had traced.

She gave me an intense stare tinged with desperation. I did not understand why this was so difficult for her. I did not think her that self-conscious. It was challenging to prevent myself from telling her how gorgeous I thought she was, but I did not think it would help, in fact, I thought it might hinder this further. The lights in my bedroom, all of them on still, were bright. Perhaps it made her uncomfortable, but turning them off was not an option as far as I was concerned.

I kept her eyes, reaching slowly to cover the cloth with my hands, watching her reaction as I fit my hands over her covered breasts. Her eyelids clenched shut as she let me remove the bra. I felt my eyes widen at the sight of her bare chest, at the silver piercings that I had no reason to expect. It was the first time I'd ever seen such a thing in person. A tiny prick of discomfort shot through the peaks of my own breasts as I could not help but briefly imagine what it must have felt like. I could not argue with the visual effect, the small silver spheres that hugged either side just as my lips wished to for some time. My body clenched almost painfully as I gazed at her and I could not recall ever having been so unsubtle. These could not be her reason for wanting the lights out, I certainly would have noticed even if it were pitch black. The breath I took in was uneven as I tried to collect myself. My response troubled her, was likely misinterpreted and she went for the switch one more time.

Shaking my head again, I took her hand in mine. I did not want to do this in the dark where I could not see her eyes, her face, her body… I needed to know how she was feeling, that she wanted this. I could not let her be invisible to me, even if that would calm her, not the first time I touched her. I did not want this to be about me or what I wanted to do to her, though my mind had compiled a rather long list by now. I wanted it to be about us, and I was not entirely sure how to make that happen. It was not something I'd concerned myself with before, how to speak through touch, how to allow my eyes to be as open as hers without upset to compel me. I'd never needed to… and maybe… more importantly, I'd never wanted to. I brought her hand to my cheek, kissing the base of her palm, rubbing her side as soothingly as I could with my other.

"Please," A more pleading tone than I wished to let through, but the idea that this would be held back from me now, it was equally as upsetting as the idea that I would push her too much. That balance between my resistance and my desire had shifted, I very much needed to touch her, needed her to allow me that. "Natsuki…you are so beautiful." It had to be said.

She closed her eyes when I said it and then it seemed as though she forced herself to look at me. _Was it a hindrance?_

"So are you." It was said quietly and was not a response I expected, but was so very welcome. "There's something else." Her voice was a bit sharp and broke through the warmth that had filled me at her words. Her brow knit and she glanced sideways. "Another tattoo."

I cocked my head and let her hand fall away from where I still held it against my face. I smiled at her softly, watching her eyes. "I was under the impression you had quite a few." She gave me a look. "You are not speaking of the one on your neck, then?" I let my fingers trace along her hairline, along the design I'd already run my lips over many times, but only seen once in its entirety and she shivered.

Jetting air from her nose, her face became the picture of apprehension. "No."

"Not this either?" I ran my thumb along the inside of her wrist, bringing her hand to my mouth, kissing her fingertips. I could not bring myself to press my lips onto the skin of her wrist itself, not now that I knew it was her mother's name. It seemed irreverent to me, strange as that was. I was sure it was not the one that covered the top of her left foot …not with how serious she seemed.

Her eyelids fluttered. "I have one that covers my back."

I felt my eyebrows rise. She had a tattoo that covered the entirety of her back? I felt as though I should have known that. I'd touched it often enough. "Turn around."

She opened her mouth, but then just as quickly closed it. With a deep breath, she did as I asked, climbing off of me and turning around, making me momentarily regret the request, until she pulled her long hair in front of her as though parting a curtain.

To say that I was surprised would not be adequate. It was one of the most stunning sights I'd ever laid eyes on. Sharp black splashed low across her right side like spilled ink, a thorny circle of black rising from it, trapping a glowing reddish orb in the center. Thin lines shot out from it like branches. From those branches blossomed two silhouetted figures floating into the beginnings of what appeared to be an embrace, their forms dissolving into the air, green that matched her eyes outlining the breaking bits. Below, shards of ice erupted from the black, colored in a complementary array of blues and violets. On her right, the scratches of black became flowers, lilies nearly real in their vividness. Her skin itself, where it showed was pale and unblemished, made even more gorgeous when contrasted against the colors that broke it up. I felt the strangest urge to simply sit and contemplate a work of art on the prettiest canvas I had ever seen and I let my fingers follow the shapes with a firm touch.

The tips of her ears turned red, but I ignored the blush, letting my fingers glide across the shades and hues that were impossible for human skin, letting my lips touch the blankness between the colors. I almost expected to feel it jumping up at me, but it was all smooth and soft as the rest of her.

"How long did this take?"

"Years. I didn't get it all at once."

"Was it very painful?" I asked because I was curious and had no experience with such things. I pressed my lips to her shoulder as I waited for an answer, forgetting the nakedness of my own chest until it brushed against the cool skin of her back. My eyelids fell closed at the sensation.

Her voice was low, almost husky when it came. "Some parts."

"Which parts?" I kept my lips against her as I spoke.

"Over my spine." I followed the ridges of bone that protruded from the indent dividing her back. "Ah… and near my ribs." I let my fingers run over them, pressing so as not to tickle and then lay my head between her shoulder blades, listening to the rush of air as she breathed. "Shizuru," My name from her lips sounded as though she were cradling it with her voice. Very slowly, so that if she wished to pull away she would have time, I allowed my hands to travel further, to brush the sides of her breasts, to close over them, feeling the piercings press into my palms when she shivered.

"And these?" I drew my fingers to the tips of her breasts, sliding my chin onto her shoulder as she pulled in a sharp breath. "Were they painful as well?"

I pushed at the piercing with my thumb and she shuddered, air puffed through her nose. "They hurt like hell." My touches instantly gentled at the comment.

"They do not hurt now?" Unsure what to do, I placed a thumb and forefinger on the end of each piercing, getting used to them, pulling them very lightly, bringing my lips to her neck at the same time.

She was making the most beautiful little sounds, sounds that sunk into my skin like a lover's words. "No." I wanted to ask her if it felt different, how it felt different, but her embarrassment would likely be too great. "It freaks you out." She said quietly, a touch of frustration there.

I ran my nose across the rings and studs lining her ear, wondering what I'd done to make her consider that. She curled her spine, hanging her head. I whispered quietly, kissing the base of her neck. "Nothing about you does."

She turned around in response and caught my chin in her hand, bringing her lips to mine in a gesture that was wonderfully assured again. As we kissed, I pulled her back onto my lap, drawing a line from her jaw to the tip of her breast with my mouth, feeling her curving back on my palms and the vibration of her voice through her skin. Unable to resist, I let one of my hands slide lower, slip beneath the small amount of fabric there to that gorgeous backside, not at all shocked to find it as smooth and firm as I'd imagined. The tiny startle that resulted made me grip her lightly. The feel of the metal fascinated my tongue and fingers alike. She released a shuddering breath, her eyes held tightly shut, her hands pushing against my shoulders. I watched her as she had me, losing myself in the pleasure of this. When the need for more of her became overwhelming, I laid her down, keeping myself above her, noticing the way she trembled when my hair brushed along her abdomen.

Gently I nipped at her stomach as she had me, watching the flutter of muscle beneath. The last bit of clothing was taken slowly, and an almost pained expression crossed her face. I wanted to ask if she was alright but was concerned talking would only worsen her anxiety.

But looking at her completely bare, there was no choice…I had to touch her. The wonderment I felt at seeing her this way, as though I'd never laid eyes on anything similar, as if there were something fundamentally different about her, it was approaching nonsensical. I ran both hands up her thighs, caught by the shudder it caused, by the tension that filled her. Leaning down, I placed a gentle, open-mouth kiss on the crease of her thigh, letting my lips follow the line of the joint there and she jerked as though my lips had burned her.

"Don't." I was stunned by her refusal but attempted to mask it as she squeezed her legs shut, bent her knees, and rolled them away. I waited to recover myself, further distracted by the cutest behind I'd ever seen. I folded my arms over the hip that faced upward and kissed lightly at her ribs…pushing down the worry that was chasing each breath I took. The brush of my lips caused a slight tremor.

 _Show me how to love you._ I found myself wishing to make the request of her body because I had the distinct impression her mind and mouth would steer me wrong. Natsuki was different in all ways thus far and so it should not have surprised me she would be complicated in this way as well.

"Did I hurt you?" I asked, knowing the answer.

I had not met a single woman, myself included, who did not enjoy that, but anything was possible. Some women were embarrassed by it, perhaps that was the issue… and perhaps not. My heart sank a bit. "No." It would be absolutely heartbreaking if I could not ever do that with her.

"Does it not feel good to you?" I probed, running a hand underneath and over her thigh… this was not something I could leave completely alone.

"Shizuru!" That gaze was entreating me to stop… _too much._

"Kanin-na." I kissed her side. "I am simply curious," I commented quietly, very curious and if I was honest… concerned.

She was very anxious, made worse so by our talking. Oddly, it eased my own worries because I was so overcome with the need to soothe her. "Don't tease me about this."

I folded my arms onto her side, resting my chin there, a hand rubbing softly at her skin. "I would not, Natsuki. I very much wanted to." She moved fully onto her back, legs still closed and bent. I stayed kneeling next to her. Unease swirled inside emerald depths and I wanted her to understand, wanted to believe what I said next was entirely true. "…but I would not do anything you do not want me to."

There was nothing but tense silence between us for what seemed like an eternity, her face taking on almost painful amounts of color. I could hear and see her swallow, irises darkening, locked on mine and I felt my own cheeks warm.

"I don't know if I can let you." It was uttered with seriousness and I stared, my eyes fixed on hers, on what was sitting inside them. I wondered if she meant ever or now. She was so apprehensive about this. I was not sure what to make of it and so I moved to kiss her lips and then each of her kneecaps, noticing her stiffen at the contact and I tilted my head, sitting back on my heels again. That nervousness, it was worse than before.

I answered her with gentle, words spoken low. "There are many other things Natsuki…" My hand rested on her legs, my palm running over her shin, slipping to her calf and her body was winding taut again, not relaxing in the slightest. I did not know what to do.

As much as I wanted to touch her, be with her, as overwhelming as those feelings were, I did not want it to be like this… not with her at the edge of retreat. I wanted her pleasure, I wanted to be able to give her that. With one last kiss to her knee, I stood up, thinking for a moment on what to do, trying to ignore her gaze as it crawled along my body because that look made me want to climb right back into bed with her. Instead, I walked over to the floor lamp that stood on the other side of the room. I tapped it, and then twice more to dim it. If she wanted darkness, perhaps it would calm her to have less light…a compromise. Maybe it would dull the strain she felt, make her feel less vulnerable.

She slowly used her forearms to lift her upper body, observing me with searching eyes. "What are you doing?"

I only smiled at her, walking back over slowly, more to steady myself than for effect though it did seem to have some…flipping the switch she'd reached for. The softer, dim light changed the color of her in the most wonderful ways. As long as I could still see her face, her eyes, her body, as long as there was enough light for it, I could be satisfied. If what she needed was ambiance, it was easy enough. She gazed at me and I smiled as I leaned over, letting the backs of my fingers trail across her cheek, letting my thumb rest on a lower lip that I was falling in love with. I consciously gentled my face, tried to open it as she looked up at me, examining eyes tinged with what I now recognized as desire…and something else… something lost. It was a look I'd only seen for the briefest of moments when she came to me that night after the funeral.

It made my chest constrict when she wrapped a small hand loosely over my wrist, kissed it. She was frowning, eyebrows drawn tight together, hand holding mine a bit more firmly as she gathered herself. "Shizuru, I'm not good at this part. I don't…"

I pressed a hand to her mouth. Was that really what she thought? Was that why she was so hesitant to allow me this? Her hand was at one of her earrings and I reached over, moved it away, and began to take them out, softly clattering metal in my palm. I'd watched her take them out a few times by now, understood most of their fastenings. Neither of us spoke as I placed them on the nightstand in a small plate that sat there for my own jewelry, her watch was already sitting inside it. Only the stud in her nose and the newly unveiled piercings remained.

I laid myself beside her and she cautiously slid down the mattress, following me on instinct. There was a sense I got from her as we gazed at one another, that my turning off the lights, slowing down, that it had settled her somewhat, elevated her trust in me. My palm, I placed it on her stomach as she had done to me and she looked down at it. I could see she was trying not to cover herself, that she quite desperately wanted to, but the smooth tracks and firm presses of my fingers as I let them know the shape of her, they seemed to help pull her attention away from her nakedness. One hand was all I let myself have, for now, touch limited to a single point of contact and I was fascinated by the gentle changes, ridges of bone, soft skin, the firmness of muscle, the ladder of her ribs, and the tensing, it became less and less. My lips joined…selective kisses for bits of her I found particularly irresistible and her eyes clenched shut, the tightness of them easing with each touch of my mouth. Holding myself just above her I let my lips follow the curves of her neck again, shoulders, jaw. I did not know what it was that drove any of my actions, only that I wanted to try and alleviate that fear for her, only that I wanted this to be anywhere near our nights together, to approach what our talks were for me…for it to mean that much. It felt like a long-overdue reversal of our roles, for me to be the more confident of us two, to steer this.

Bringing my hand up, I drew the backs of my fingers along her temple and cheek, not entirely sure why...it felt the right thing to do. With all the tenderness I felt for her, I used the other to push her hair behind her now bare ear. Eyes opened, as she turned on her side and I moved us closer with an arm across her back. We both drew in a breath as our naked skin met, a hitched gasp at the subtle friction of us against each other. I fell into our kisses quickly, the feel of her hands forcing us closer still, her silken hair on my fingertips. She was covering herself with me, clothing herself in my skin… and I could not say that I minded at all. The tangle of our legs made my eyelids flutter, made me reach for a thigh that was firm and feminine, drawing it steadily over my own. This was already so much more promising than our start before and I felt my mind relax again. I would die happily, I decided, with chests pushing against each other as we breathed, the scent and warmth of her, the two of us like this.

We kissed for long enough that she forgot to hold in her body's interest in this. The press of our mouths with both of us bare and flush against one another, it made me wish that skin could melt… that there was some way we could get even closer than we were. Like this, it was already so much more than it should have been. I slowed myself deliberately when I wanted to move faster, gentled myself when I wanted to push, and firmed my touches so as not to tickle. Her rhythm, when it started against me it grabbed at my focus constantly, and I could not help but match it, hold her tighter and swallow down both our sighs as they ghosted over our lips. A new breed of passion was rising in me… as much about her face, her eyes, the pressure in my chest when our gazes met as the physical response of my body, something beyond excitement, outside of it.

When I did move things further, it was to slide my hand down her stomach and over her completely, the heat of her setting off an answering burst in my own body. I lifted my eyes to a pair that were clouded, lips that were parted.

I watched her face carefully as I glided my fingers along her, not inside. The build-up was slow enough to drive both us mad, I was succumbing to it already, because she was rolling her hips and breathing in the most sensual fashion I had ever witnessed as I touched her again, with only slightly more pressure. It mimicked the manner that I tended to speak to her. Teasing fingertips because I found myself taking pleasure in her reactions to this as well. Still, it took every ounce of self-control I possessed to maintain this pace, a need to prove that I could and I centered myself by kissing her. Even in those, she seemed to be able to communicate everything she felt… shaky inhales and nips when it became intense, dragging lips when it was a steady, subtle type of pleasure…

I slipped down her body so I could kiss her breast …still getting accustomed to the unusual feel of the piercings. One of those delightfully low, quiet little moans tumbled out and wandered over my skin. Her hand raised and I felt it tentatively weave itself into my hair… my own breathing was affected by this now and as she pulled in broken breath after broken breath, features drawing tighter together, I held my own. Her responsiveness fanned the embers still living in the pit of my stomach. The way those reactions seemed to paint themselves all over her… her body, her voice, her eyes… it kindled them. We turned, her on her back, her abdomen tightening, arms reaching behind her, tensing fists pushing on the crown of her head, forearms hiding most of her face…only lips and perfect white teeth exposed now.

The unpredictable exhales that made her chest and stomach heave…if I could draw that last bit of anxiousness out with my lips, take it into me such that she could fully relax, I would have. Trails beneath her breasts and across her sides would have to do and maybe I could somehow spread what I felt across her skin instead, quiet the tension that way. I let myself feel the full strength of my emotions when I touched her, hoping it would help me make this what I wanted it to be. Muscles wound like springs beneath my kisses, clenching and releasing as I followed the slopes of her ribs and stomach, followed along her right hipbone as it rose and fell in sensuous pace with my hand. I kept both myself and her from anything more for as long as I could stand because the way she tightened, the way she curled…it was changing, becoming response rather than defense.

The sight of those sharp points of bone, muscles firing beneath skin knocked me past the edge of my patience. A stifled cry rasped from her as I finally pushed this further, pushed into her and her flesh broke out in tiny bumps, hairs standing on end… I felt it everywhere our bodies met. Her breath caught in gorgeous little bursts of sound, her entire body tensing, all of it repeating each time I pressed into her. I took a moment to close my eyes and concentrate on the feel of her. A moment to simply watch and my heart sped. Small noises of pleasure escaped me now because there were simply too many to catch. A moment to kiss her stomach because to finally have her this way and with everything dragged out, prolonged with a deliberateness that stressed me… it tied my senses into a bundle and wrung them out. She was absolutely exquisite to touch…the sounds she made and the heat of her and I could not imagine what it was she'd deemed herself 'not good at'.

Her abdomen rocked against my lips as she moved and I followed. She was pressing the quivering, rolling flesh of her stomach against my mouth over and over. With her hips churning, the scent of her this close… the bit of salt gathering on her skin…the wildness in me returned. My desires flared again, muddling themselves with my feelings and I wanted to slip just a bit lower, to taste more and the strength of it was nearly pulling me down. My forehead fell to her stomach, the arm I was supporting myself with pushing into the sheets, entrenching itself against my dying restraint. I wanted to despite her refusal and my weakening hold on myself did nothing to help me. My mind betrayed me, transferred its focus from what was already blissful. It sang that there was something in the way she responded that she might enjoy what I wished to do if she could allow herself and she had not said 'no' exactly. A particularly strong push of her hips broke me.

"Please, Natsuki…" I whispered against her skin before I could check myself, voice strained by the rawness of my desires, almost unrecognizable. Her gaze was hazy as she moved her arms to peer down at me. My soft kisses stopped just shy of where I wished them to be, and her legs hardened with stored retreat. "Can you not let me try?"

Her eyes widened, flickering like an animal cornered. I knew this would push her and I was anxious, incredibly so, perhaps as much as she was, but she did not pull away this time, did not stop the motion of her hips against my hand. My lips continued to move on her skin. A kiss to the inside of her tightened thighs, which drew a sharp exhale, a plea whispered there, which caused her eyes to snap shut. I had given up control to the want inside me and perhaps I had lied… perhaps I would do something I could not be sure she wanted me to. When a touch of something else broke through her trepidation, gaze falling down to mine, her legs readjusted, allowed me in. Acceptance, it crashed over me, relieved my worries and there was no resistance left in me. I slowed my hand as I moved myself, watching her eyes the entire time. She cringed when my breath hit sensitive skin and I'd not even touched her, a small pullback, away... green darkening. That unsettled look was one I understood, having lost myself to her earlier. It was something that had to be given, control relinquished, but I intended to do my utmost in reassuring her that I could be trusted with such a thing. I had never been with a woman whose body was quite so sensitive before. It must've only added to the vulnerability she felt.

I waited with bated breath, afraid she might stop me before I had started. I held my air as I wet my bottom lip and leaned forward, let it brush across her. Hips trembled but did not jerk away this time, her breathing staggered. I let my free arm curl beneath her thigh, holding her but not tightly, not on top, not holding her down. Those lithe legs, the muscles there… they were shuddering deliciously against my arm already, toes digging themselves into the mattress. I took a focused breath in an attempt to ground myself, feeling for the first time in such a situation, that I might be in over my head. I was unseated alongside her because the strangest thought was knocking about in my brain, that doing this with her… to her… it might be more than I would know what to do with. It was not something I'd ever felt before, but the sounds she made as I loved her this way… watching every response… captured by the visible intensity of what she was feeling, these things kept sprinting away with my consciousness. Primal and feminine noises were cut to pieces by her uneven exhales, they dove beneath my skin and attached themselves firmly to nerve endings. Scorching reverberations that burned into my memory, burned across my abdomen. The hands that had just fallen away from her face, they were searching, shaking, and looking for a resting place, gripped her hair, and then the pillow behind her. Muscles tightened to spasticity made her legs shake constantly, and the air in her lungs seemed to run from her.

I had to hold onto her now, drew the thigh I was holding over my shoulder, to rest on my back because her movements were so sudden, the tremors beyond her control. I felt an alarmingly strong pang of arousal grip me as I watched her watching me. She kept looking down the length of her torso with her bright green, uncertain eyes, just those eyes, deep and so very expressive… they spurred me on, galvanized me even as they undid me. How anyone had ever let her go, how anyone had survived it, I could not understand. The shallow, higher-pitched gasps that accompanied the quivering, they were so unlike what I knew of her, so girlish and so heart-achingly beautiful. I let my lids fall for a moment because she was simply too much for all of my senses.

Time and my body both, they seemed to swell and snapback unpredictably, enmeshed in the impossible, yet undeniable parallelism of touch and feeling that existed between us. It forced my own excitement to the point that my body seemed to dissipate, to dissolve into the feeling of her on my tongue and fingertips, the sensations running almost unbearably hot, becoming all that I could think or feel, lifting me off the earth, and dropping me back down in time with the rise and fall of her body. I felt such a delicious pleasure in her pleasure and it just went on until a hoarse cry left her throat and her body wrenched almost violently. The strength of it lifted her, twisted her away, onto her side, clenching her thighs together, drawing them toward her chest. Her arms wrapped around her middle, gripping her sides, fingers curling rhythmically as a heaving, broken breath racked her frame. I watched for a moment…stunned and then carefully, I moved behind her, pulled her to me.

She shivered again and exhaled loudly through her mouth, whistling air that shook and shuddered through her entire body. She passed her arms over my own, holding them to her chest. I could feel the insane pounding beneath my hands…

"I…that…" Another round of less intense shaking followed that rasp words and I could not begin to imagine how she planned to finish any of those sentences. "Shit."

I reached down to pull a sheet over us and I ran my fingers through her hair. "Natsuki," I rested lips against her shoulder, trying to hold in my own fear. "Are you alright?"

After another moment to gather herself, she lifted her torso on her arms, staring off to the side, her eyebrows drawn together. "I..." She stopped, leaving the thought at one word again and I did not know where we stood.

Reaching my hand out, I held her cheek, her wide eyes meeting mine as a small twitch of a half-smile formed. It was a good sign, I thought, and I smiled back at her. "Ookini."

Confusion filled her gaze, more than was already there. "For what?"

My eyes gentled as she leaned into my palm. _Absolutely adorable_. "For letting me."

She rolled her eyes. "Don't thank me for that! And wouldn't it be the other way arou… " That was so much better, even if she had been overwhelmed with embarrassment and flopped onto her back. I could feel myself grinning at those quiet words. An arm was flung over her pink face. "Damn it. I still don't know why I try to talk."

I touched her shoulder gently, rubbing, pressing my lips there. "And I am still glad that you do." It had the desired effect and she rolled back over, resting against me, arm across my stomach now, warm air on my neck and shoulders. I could feel small tremors still grabbing at her.

I closed my eyes to concentrate on the feeling of the two of us like this, after what had just happened. My mind fatigued itself further by attempting to understand what it was that felt like water in my lungs. It was unusual for me to feel emotional after this type of activity, more unusual for me to feel what I had during… but she could, always did change my experience of things, even things that I was entirely familiar with. I expected the calm contented sleepiness, the unmatched lightness I'd felt after she'd touched me. Instead, there was a straining sensation in my chest… as though something was trying to break free, feelings I'd promised release after this, but the conditions were not fully met. I'd not woken up beside her, she'd not had time to process what had happened. I wondered how she felt in this moment because she seemed alternately distant and connected as she rested against me.

I pulled back a bit so that I could see her and our eyes met. The fingers of my left hand fell to her kiss-swollen lips. Leaning forward, she moved as though to press them to mine, but paused with an expression of uncertainty. It took me a moment to realize her aversion was due to where my mouth had been. I had to smile at that. She paused and I moved forward, stealing a kiss…a quick one. There was an expression of shock on her face briefly before it fell into its more common neutral arrangement, but there was something, as though she were still not completely settled, as though something in this had shaken her…it was peeking from beneath her gaze. The bits of fear that stayed inside me responded to it and I could not look away, could not let her out of my sight even as tiredness overtook me.

It was some hours later, that I felt myself slipping out of a comfortable sleep. When I opened my eyes, she was not beside me, and again I felt my heart tumble into my stomach until my gaze fell past the empty expanse and over to the window. She was sitting beside it, the shirt she had on before hanging loosely over her, buttons still undone, sleeves rolled, hair pulled up loosely, and staring out into the dark. Despite my nervousness, I could not help but notice how attractive she was, notice how beautiful her bare legs were, skin all grayness and smooth lines in the near darkness.

It was deliberate, my movement beneath the covers, to draw her attention because I did not want to scare her, even if I was uncomfortable myself.

Her head turned slowly. "Shizuru?" Said so quietly, perhaps she was unsure if I'd woken or shifted.

"Can you not sleep?" I asked gently, my voice a bit rough as it struggled from the grip of slumber.

My mind though was already up and running circles around me. The fear that she would run when we did this…hate me… it would not leave. I wanted it to go away and I'd held some foolish hope that my remaining doubts would dissolve in the haze of our lovemaking. There was no reason to think that such a thing would happen, that she would run, but I had made connections between sex and feeling and emotional catastrophe that seemed immune to reason. Now that I was not pleasantly immersed in the thick of it, these worries returned.

"No." She moved her hair, pulled at the lobe of her ear. There was such a delicate look to that bit of her without its usual metal adornments.

I sat up and she lowered her eyes, but still, they kept peeking from over her arm, a peek and then a guilty look as she realized I was naked and she was looking. I would spare her then and put on a robe.

I sat at the end of the bench, beside her feet, folding my hands. "Is something troubling you?"

Her eyes closed slowly. It was a while before she spoke. "Not really." She murmured, fingers tapping her knees.

"But you cannot sleep?" I asked even though it was obvious. She shook her head. It was my turn to take my time responding because I did not want to say what I thought was true… but it had to be asked. "Is it because of tonight, I wonder?"

Her brow crinkled and my face fell. What was it in the way that I did this that to others that caused this? I looked at her, unable to hide the hurt I felt. "Shizuru…" She stopped and my heartbeat did as well. Her hand was on my face and it only amplified what I was feeling.

"That you would be unable to sleep makes me think we have something to discuss." I attempted to project composure, but it was so very difficult and I was certain I'd failed. My mind was already constructing the accusations that would lunge from her lips, earmarking all the missteps I'd made tonight.

A rough sigh. "What you did to me…" I felt myself begin to loosen at the edge, my thoughts untying me, ripping at the changes I'd already allowed. This had all been for what then? Why? This same thing all over again. I'd forced this, I'd forced something she'd said no to, I'd let what I wanted take over, and waiting for her had made no difference because in the end, I'd still done what I wanted anyway. Her hand on my face pulled me out of my panic as it turned me. Her eyes were swimming with alarm. "Oi, what is going on in your head?"

I could not pull any coldness, any ounce of protection because the intensity of what I felt was searing my insides. "I am more concerned for what is going on in yours."

Her head fell back against the wall behind her. "I don't know, Shizuru." Her jaw shifted and she paused. "I didn't think it would be like that."

Was it disappointing to her? Frightening? Disturbing? I did not understand and my chest felt so tight that breathing was next to impossible. "If you cannot do this, if that was too much for you…"

I did not know whether it was my voice or my tone, but something grabbed her and she grabbed me in turn. A hand again at my cheek, another on my neck, and her gaze was firm. "Tell me what you're worried about before I make this worse."

"It is not that I am worried."

She shook her head, frowning and raising an eyebrow. "Yes, it is."

Closing my eyes, I let the words out, a fear that felt monstrous spoken aloud. "Do you regret it Natsuki?"

"No." The answer was quick and sure and she held my eyes until she found whatever it is she was seeking. I was embarrassed by my own insecurities, they kept having their way with me. Her hands slipped away. "I don't."

It was an improvement from my initial understanding, but it was still confusing to me. I held my elbows against my discomfort. "Did I push you?" I said it quietly, terrified of the answer. _Was it coercion?_

Tense moments passed and I tried to still myself, to pull some composure back, a bit of coverage against a conversation I was terrified to have. "I thought, I was screwed up that way I guess. I couldn't feel it right, not like you're supposed to. I was okay with that." Such a quiet voice she was using and I tried to decipher her words. It was not at all the direction I'd feared she would take.

There were so many questions that came to me as I processed that it was difficult to determine which was the right one to ask. I chose the one that made me the most curious. "Was it not enjoyable for you before?"

"It wasn't bad or anything. It was okay." It was not a rousing endorsement certainly, but not the worst she could have said either. "It was me though, not him." She released an aggravated sigh. "I told you I'm not good at that part."

Perhaps hers was more extreme than other cases, but nervousness was not a unique problem. "That is not my experience of you." She could not look at me as I said that to her, but I expected such a reaction. "And nervousness is not so uncommon a thing."

Again, she was quiet for a few moments. "You're comfortable with it." I did not know why that was. I had always been fairly comfortable with sex and bared skin and flirtation. It was who I wished it to be with that had plagued me afterward, not the ease I felt with such acts.

"In that respect, I am more the exception than the rule I think." That was the truth.

"I can't get my head around it."

Did she not understand how I could be comfortable with it? "I believe it is just a condition of my nature, Natsuki."

I felt my head dip at her slightly frustrated sigh. "That's not what I'm talking about." A deep breath and I wanted to close my eyes, shrink myself, and crawl inside her mind such that this torturously gradual pulling of information would not be necessary, not for either of us. "Tonight," Still, watching her struggle was decidedly worse than struggling myself. "It was just a lot."

"Was it too much?" It was a question asked quietly. I waited, a small amount of anxiety pricking at me.

"Shizuru, it wasn't and I'm not sorry we did it." Her head rolled to the side, face tense. After another moment her words began to spill out. "But Jesus, I don't know my own body when you touch me." Emerald turned toward me seeking something, but this conversation had blind-sided me, the outpouring of feelings I did not know she had. "I don't have sex like we just had. I don't feel like that." Her head tipped down, she shook it and me when she whispered the last part. "And then all you did was ask and your eyes are so damn beautiful and that's not a reason for anything." Such conviction in her tone and there were so many emotions coming from her, mixing and difficult to pull apart, but they were holding me already. They resonated in the way that things do when it is not the words that are used but what lies beneath them that speaks. "What I let you do...that's not something I've ever wanted."

"You did tonight?" I said as gently as I could, but it was difficult to communicate with any coherence let alone eloquence. The things she was saying and the things that I was feeling…I did not know.

She nodded. "You keep doing it too."

"…what do I keep doing?" I was almost afraid to ask because I was not certain how much more my heart could stand. Her words had already captured it completely.

"You take these things that I _know_ and you just…" A hand to her mouth, pinching her lip briefly. "Blow through them like their goddamn air and it's not like I want to stop you." A heavy sigh, as she turned her face to mine, mouth a straight line. "I'm not explaining this right."

I still had no response except to touch her, to cup her cheek and place a kiss on the other, to rest my forehead against hers… contact… connection. To be without pretty words, some semblance of charm was disconcerting, but pretty words only said so much. Hers had been more than adequate, romantic to me because of their rough brand of honesty and it was still a bit strange to think she meant them for me.

A kiss on her beautiful lips because I had never felt that I so clearly understood another person… never felt such synchronicity as I did at that moment.

"I can understand," Another kiss and another because it was always a challenge to not reach for just one more. "Because that shuttle ride, Natsuki, the truth is that I have not been able to fully steady myself since."

"It's a good thing." A statement, not a question this time.

My softest smile. "A very good thing." Her eyes were so intense as they met mine and I kissed her to escape what it stirred inside me.

The elusive epiphany that had been skipping at the edge of my mind since we agreed to try this was finally illuminated. Natsuki was thoroughly incapable of telling me what I wanted to hear, had no use for such things, what was proper unless she happened to feel it. What she did feel was often more helpful and healing than what I would have wanted anyway. I'd spent so many years bathing in white lies and half-truths and hidden things. When we were together, I drank her realness down like water…loving her the more for it. She did not fall under any spell in my presence, was not ashamed of her feelings or mine. She listened and offered honest opinions, voiced her disagreement, was so thoroughly opposite to what I knew of life and how to live it.

A part of what made me fall for her in the first place was her ability to treat me as though I were just another person. She had the confidence to make us equal and had never thought of us as anything but, had the confidence to insist I did as well. Together we were two people, relating with little pretense, with little between us, openness and acceptance as is. That experience, what it was in the context of my life was not one I could begin to voice the profundity of. To hear what she said… that I was able to make her feel something that she had thought was possible for her, it bridged the divide between my hopes and my emotions, allowed them to really touch for the first time.

"…will you not come to bed now?"

She stood and climbed beneath the covers. In a show of solidarity, I kept my robe on. There was no indication of nervousness as I moved in beside her and I left my arms open, a soft smile on my lips… but she did not come into them. Instead, she faced me, us laying on opposite sides of our bodies. Green eyes in the darkness and her hand took mine, more silent secrets as she placed a kiss on my wrist… continued to watch me as though trying to unlock some mystery. Sleepiness took hold of her as I could feel it doing with me.

It gave me a rare bit of hope that she could speak words such as the ones she'd spoken, made me think maybe I could keep something this beautiful. My earlier concerns over how to tell her that I loved her, if I should, when I should, what I needed first, they became suddenly unimportant. Perhaps questions of worth, of what was deserved, flaws and morality… they were insecurities needlessly injected into something whole in its own right. To have this with her, to have these feelings inside me even if the strength of them was a little much at times, even if they had not been outwardly named, to have them shared, to have met someone at all who could settle me as she did, reach me and comfort me and understand that which I feared in myself…it was not a thing to be questioned and picked apart and filtered through my own anxiety, it was a thing to be grateful for. To find in another person, some touch of peace in myself, it was more than I had ever hoped for, let alone that I'd been able to return it to her in some small measure. It did not matter that the parts of us that required mending were opposite, the feeling was pure sameness. My comfort with sensuality against my resistance to realness and her…my perfect inversion.

What I'd felt before this, when we first agreed to try, my uncertainty, self-doubt, shame… they were bits of peeling paint now, even if it was layers thick. I was relearning to live with pieces of newly bared skin, learning to reconcile my own thoughts with hers, with my father's, learning to let what was there fall away, trying to stop holding onto the pieces I thought I needed. Though it was excruciating at times, unsettling nearly all the time… tonight… a hands length away from this woman, I wanted nothing else, felt that I could see truth from lies, real from illusion. The two of us sharing the same patch of earth, it was a most precious thing… in it, I was fulfilled.

**Digression #29: Kuga Natsuki  
Date: May 25th, 2014 … a Sunday**

There was a part of her that wondered at their relationship because Natsuki had always disliked people who weren't upfront. Shizuru though… her reasons were different. She did flirt with her, way too boldly sometimes, but they were honest flirts, things that came from truth, which was different than being told sweet nothings, lies to reel you in. The conversations they had, the things they spoke about… there was truth there too. Shizuru didn't want her to change, didn't dislike any of the bits of her personality that so many other people found unappealing, the walls she put up. It was unusual for Natsuki to have the fact that she wasn't good at speaking her feelings not really get in the way. Her girlfriend… a new thought, still unusual to her, but accurate… could make her feel like there was no other place she'd rather be than beside her, with a look, a touch. Natsuki found something in her presence, something comforting… something worth seeking.

Dealing with Shizuru broken, upset, in such a dark place … it hadn't changed any of what she felt, only added pieces to the picture she had of a woman she realized wasn't only what she seemed… an incredibly complex person. Outside of that, Natsuki hadn't met many people who were anything other than completely straight… as far as she was aware anyway… which admittedly was deliberately not very far. Shizuru was the only gay person she'd ever gotten very close to. To realize that the woman was even a little ashamed of it, thought that feeling that way was wrong… it bothered her, more than she would have guessed. Intellectually she knew a lot of people thought like that, but it was far enough away from her that she didn't care… could easily ignore it. The topic fell into the wide pool of things that previously had no impact on her life and she thusly didn't think on. Asked her opinion, Natsuki would have said that shaming a person over such a thing was unequivocally prejudiced and inherently wrong, but she herself was never concerned enough about anyone else's sexuality to worry over it. Now it was there though, in her face, up close… and as it happened with so many experiences in her life, when it touched her on a personal level, it changed her indifference to indignation.

She wondered if all of this applied to her as well now. She had to be either gay or bisexual logically speaking, didn't she? Was it Shizuru or was she always that way? Had she just been dating the wrong gender all her life? If that was true, shouldn't there have been some sign or something? Was that what was missing between her and Tate? If Tate was a girl… she'd stopped the thought immediately, it was way too weird. They were unanswerable questions and honestly… when she was with Shizuru, it didn't matter. The truth of it was that Natsuki didn't care about what she was outside of that… didn't care, because as far as she could see it changed nothing to give it a name. If she was sleeping with Shizuru, loved Shizuru, was happy with Shizuru, a label made no difference. Mai didn't care, Alyssa didn't care, and Nao… she never gave a shit about anything. It was just another weapon in her arsenal of teases. Sakomizu should probably be told at some point… but she was pretty sure he'd be okay with it even if it took a while. It occurred to her that maybe that kind of thing, having everyone be okay was lucky, that she was fortunate… or maybe she was careful in who she chose to be close with. That wasn't fair though… Shizuru hadn't had a choice in her parents. All of that aside, what concerned her most was that she didn't know what to do with the other woman's pain. Natsuki did not consider herself a nurturing person… she was never the person who said the right thing, but Shizuru was okay when it was the two of them, happy as she was, real and that was what mattered. They could work on it. They could surround themselves with people who didn't think like that, they already had… and maybe, eventually, it would wipe it away.

When she'd said 'no', when they'd sat beside each other on that wall, it was because she was scared and never a question of what she actually felt. When she'd said 'I can't'... she meant try the relationship, not love a woman. That had never really troubled her, definitely surprised her, maybe a bit more than surprised her...but not troubled her. At the time it was more that she'd gotten caught up in the circling thought that she'd make the same mistake she did with Tate, that they'd try to be more and it would fall apart. Shizuru would be gone and that stuff she felt when she was with her, that thing that made her want to stay up all night just to look at her, to talk to her, whatever crazy thing she'd found in the other woman would disappear in a puff of smoke. She'd be alone, drowning in the darkness with the feeling of having lost something absolutely irreplaceable. It would be like flying off that cliff or waking up from her coma that night or realizing her mother was gone or watching Tate walk away. The week that followed, where Shizuru _was_ gone, it was exactly that. She needed Nao, needed Mai to kick her ass a little bit… but beneath her hard-headedness, she knew. Maybe she knew because it was different from the start and those two nights afterward... after she found Shizuru in that nook... they were rare things. It meant something about the two of them, she was sure of that much.

All the wondering about how she'd know, how she could know if she could even experience love… it fell away in the months that followed that night in the nook. She couldn't really say why, or when… but it was there… that thing people talked about… it was inside her jumping excitedly every time she saw Shizuru, was close to her. She just knew she loved Shizuru, even if she did have a lewd sense of humor, even if she was a little devilish at times, even if she had a way of loving that was very intense, even if she flirted with people, even if her ways of thinking were somewhat unusual, even if she hadn't been able to say those words yet. Natsuki meant what she'd said to her… she didn't want perfect, not from anyone. The woman she loved was also so many good things… so many good things that she didn't really seem to see herself.

Natsuki had spent a lot of time trying to understand the difference between the two people she'd been with. It wasn't that Tate couldn't kiss. It wasn't that Tate was incapable of or unskilled at doing any of the same things by comparison… it just felt different. The only thing that even could come close to explaining it was the taste of food after vigorous exercising versus the taste of food normally… how different an apple could taste when biology kicked in and your body needed it, and somehow that comparison just felt so wrong. There were also tactile things…Shizuru was softer… that softness kept jumping out at her. Every time she touched her, ran fingers over her stomach… new adjectives came for that smooth, delicate feeling skin. Shizuru's body… it surprised Natsuki how much she liked it … curvier hips, a fuller chest… a definitively womanly body by any standard. There were other things as well… a difference in personality. Shizuru was much more willing to push her … test her, tease her. She wondered if she needed it despite the fact a part of her pushed back, was annoyed by it at times because left to her own devices she tended to retreat into her isolated little bubble. Tate and she had their own bubbles and they were perfectly comfortable sitting side-by-side in their individual but similar comfort zones. Shizuru though, she had simply climbed inside Natsuki's invisible barrier, smiling as though she'd done nothing out of the ordinary. Then there was that oncoming rush of feeling that was so entirely new… and the heat she felt after they kissed.

Weirder than falling in love was wanting someone else, and god… did she want Shizuru. That woman could kiss… could make pinpoints of lightning race down her spine and destroy her completely. It turned her to mush sometimes. Shizuru didn't let her get away with the peck of a kiss that she gravitated toward either… when they kissed they _kissed._ Desire and response melting into each other…it didn't have to be deep, but she had to commit to it.

Making friends with the sexual side of herself was an ongoing struggle. Once invigorated by their first night together, maybe before that if she felt like being completely honest… since the kiss in the office… since that stupid plum…it had been untamable and more irritatingly persistent than it ever had been. It had become a savage thing that now lived inside her, pushing and pulling and forcing its way to the surface. It could steal her mind like nothing else had except unearthing the truth about her mother. Minutes could slip away, lost forever and she didn't notice because she was so inside her own head with it. This was less like a consuming drive though and more like a best friend who laughed way too loudly in public. Natsuki was always embarrassedly trying to hush it, quiet it… annoyed that it couldn't seem to keep itself under control. The thoughts she had about Shizuru sometimes… she offended herself with them.

A lot of it was curiosity…that was what she'd decided to call it. Those stupid little thoughts that came to her…silly questions she couldn't be rid of, if seeing another woman naked would be that different, them having all the same parts, to begin with… if the noises that Shizuru made would carry that Kyoto-ben still... and in her strangest moment, what those lips would feel like when they dragged over her breast as they had that plum. Many of these musings brought a blush to her face that she couldn't explain to whoever was around her at the time. She had to think on her feet, a quick lie… which she had no skill with, and often the exchange ended with a look of amused skepticism on the face of whoever she was trying to persuade, usually Mai.

Shizuru had been holding herself back before their first time. It was like watching a horse being broken… all wild eyes and spirit and then submission. She had needed liquid courage to take the first step and that backfired terribly. That look Shizuru had given her when things were getting out of hand that night... like she was afraid, it had stopped her and then... she just didn't know. When she woke up between breasts that kept popping into her mind at the least opportune moments, she'd still been confused over the night before, her own behavior, Shizuru's response... and she kinda flipped out. The only upside was that she'd figured out how to use the espresso machine Shizuru had brought over. The downside was much more profound… that her girlfriend seemed a woman defeated by her desire, ashamed of it… somehow took this thing and made it some sort of failing on her part that Natsuki had gotten drunk and decided to open her shirt with her teeth. That was an impressive inversion of reality, even if she'd done that bizarrely hypnotizing thing to her finger beforehand. As much as she was starting to ache for the woman, she was also scared out of her mind at the thought of actually allowing Shizuru to reciprocate. She was sure that her girlfriend had realized that too… as perceptive as she was, maybe not that exactly… but that she was nervous at least.

After reading that letter it was all she could think of, each withdrawal, each pushing back of the want Natsuki could feel in her girlfriend's hands, in her lips… see in her eyes. That Shizuru would constrain herself to such an extent because of her, it took away most of the discomfort she felt about being desired in the first place, about the newness of her own wants, and substituted it with a new discomfort. Natsuki didn't want to be another reason for Shizuru to hide, to erect some new box to shove herself inside… a person who did not need the sexual dimension in their relationship until Natsuki could give it to her with confidence. It was true to neither of them… because sensuality and sex were important to Shizuru. They were a part of her… one of the first things she made clear when Natsuki confessed her feelings. For her own part, she knew she could never come into a sexual situation totally comfortable… definitely not the first time. One thing Natsuki was beginning to understand about Shizuru was that she was exceptionally skilled at setting herself up to fail, to feel guilty… even when it appeared to the outside world that she was succeeding. Reading that letter, she had so many thoughts she could not articulate. That one section…

' _He let you learn to constrain yourself to the point of bursting and call that unavoidable release a failure of self-control. A person such as yourself, a creature of passion, cannot live that way. The expression of real emotion cannot be made only at breaking point.'_

It stayed with her beyond her anger. The lack of distinction between that which could be called self-control and that which was a limit… every person has limits… concerned her. To make a limit a failure… it meant you spent your life failing. It was no wonder the woman felt the way she did. If she defined self-control as infinite patience, infinite composure, infinite calm under pressure, infinite capacity to deal with emotion… no one had it. Natsuki certainly didn't, she knew her own limits… at least in some ways… maybe not physically. Her patience was short… her composure dependant on her company… calm under pressure she had… an impressive capacity to deal with emotion… not so much. The whole thing was a defeatist system… and Natsuki did not know whether Shizuru recognized that. What she did know though, or what she thought was probably true, was that the woman had somehow, between when they started and when they first slept together, decided that giving in to her sexual desires was a failure of self-control as well. It meant one thing… that Natsuki would have to initiate. A giant leap outside her comfort zone…

On the beach, that shaking voice… the sound that came from her lips… something so real after so much avoidance… it was the last straw. She didn't want it to be outside though, on some rock where more noises like that would need to be muffled… she wanted this in private, in a space that was theirs. Natsuki had insisted on touching the other woman first because she had more confidence with that, wasn't as intimidated by it… and because she thought Shizuru needed it. Their first time together was to be the closest to seduction she'd ever attempted. She had thought it over on the car ride back to Shizuru's house… been so itchy with her thoughts that she demanded to take a shower. The truth was that she needed a minute because she wanted it to be a little romantic or sexy for the other woman's sake, but knew that was reaching. It hadn't surprised her when seduction turned out to be essentially telling Shizuru to shut up and taking off her clothes for her. It sounded about right in retrospect… _know your limits_. It was even a little funny because it had definitely worked… accomplished what it was meant to despite its lack of subtlety.

There were a few reasons she could have given for her nervousness beforehand. Number one was that sex was never something she considered herself good at… well... receiving it anyway, the giving she saw as fairly straightforward. Part and parcel of that particular issue was that she was 100% convinced Shizuru would know exactly what she was doing. Number two was how the hell to explain the sensitivity level of her body, how to explain something she wasn't sure how to deal with herself. Number three was the nipple piercings… no one had ever seen them beside Tate. She liked them of course or she wouldn't have gotten them. They'd taken a little getting used to for him, but he was as good about it as he was everything else… they just knew each other well enough that she could tell without him saying that he would've rather she didn't have them. What if Shizuru hated them? What if she hated the tattoo that now covered most of her back? It would piss her off because it shouldn't matter and it would hurt her anyway. She could admit that even if the inherent contradiction was irritating. How the hell did you bring those kinds of things up in a conversation anyway? She should have just said it at the bar that night, gotten it out of the way, but she already felt weird about having brought her brief adventure in tongue piercings into the conversation.

None of her reasons stuck though, not when Shizuru and she actually had sex for the first time. She was a mess about being touched, had a hard time letting it happen, just like she always did… couldn't figure out what to do with herself, yet the woman had no reservations about it, with her tattoos or her piercings, with anything. What stuck out to her, bounced in her head for days after was the fact that Shizuru had never looked at her like the fact she was so uncomfortable about being touched upset her, didn't take it personally… was patient and insistent at the same time and very open about what her own body liked. Maybe she needed that too because Natsuki had no answers. She'd labeled it as something that could not be fixed... something native to her character, no longer a "problem" but a fact. It hadn't occurred to her that Shizuru might be able to help, but maybe it should have. That was… God… she still couldn't wrap her mind around it… that she let her do that. She'd never even let Tate try it… always refused him. She'd refused her at first, but then those eyes and that voice and her slow-building touch that felt so good… she couldn't say no. The notion that such things could convince her was unsettling even now. She'd always been resistant to the idea of letting anyone do that… to allowing such focused, unreciprocated attention on her too responsive body. At the moment, it had done something indescribable to her… looking down her stomach and seeing Shizuru's distinctive eyes watching, framed by her own thighs… to feel the strength of her want in every touch and kiss. She still couldn't think about it without getting completely, annoyingly flustered. In the barrage of sensory experiences that kept returning to her, were a few more that stood out. Touching a woman in lingerie, seeing another woman in lingerie…with what she already felt about lingerie on her own person, why had it never occurred to her that might be something she'd like? Probably for the same elusive reason it never occurred to her that touching another woman at all might be something she'd like. It was a question answered at least… seeing Shizuru naked or even barely clothed or wearing stockings in her office for that matter… it was absolutely different, regardless of the fact they had the same parts.

She remembered after…wishing she had words, meaningful words to give Shizuru, something better than the unrelated half-formed hints of thought she'd uttered. She wasn't a poet by any stretch of the imagination. Coming up with the right words wasn't any easier when her body wouldn't stop tightening against the skin tingling, nerve-shattering pulsations, things she was afraid she wouldn't be able to reach but had become a second heartbeat. It was the first time she felt like her body ever made sense in that way and her mind couldn't quite catch up. That having sex with Shizuru, that it could take what had only ever been glimpses and pin them all down long enough for her to really live inside those moments... to make her understand completely what people liked so much in this, to make her body work like that…it wasn't anything she had thought to expect. She tried to explain those feelings after… but explaining her feelings was one of the few things she would rate herself as less comfortable with than letting someone touch her. Nonetheless, Shizuru seemed to understand… she always seemed to at least mostly understand... and besides which, Shizuru didn't seem to think her bad at either of those things anyway.

She remembered the morning after they slept together clearer than the night before, clearer than the conversation that came from her sleeplessness. Her girlfriend had woken an hour after she did, blinked sleepily at her, a slow breaking smile on her face which turned worried too quickly. That worried look, it was one of the few Natsuki understood without asking, one of the few that Shizuru seemed unable to control. It was in her eyes, guilt… a sort of resigned dread toward an imagined end, an inevitable pain… before it was eclipsed by a perfect, picture ready smile. That look, it followed each time Shizuru allowed herself to be vulnerable, a flash. It was a look she'd seen hours before on the bench by the window, on top of the rock at the beach… a few times before that. Though she would never say so aloud and felt a little guilty for thinking it, the look reminded Natsuki of the way her first Duran reacted to an outstretched hand. That fear… they had to be patient with him and gentle. She'd leaned over and kissed her because that seemed to chase it away. She could be patient and gentle again, the woman had already been that way with her. The lazy smile, a fast favorite of hers because it was in her eyes too... it came back.

 _I would never hurt you_ she wanted to say to her, but she didn't believe those words. It was a comforting lie and she wouldn't promise something she knew was a lie. It helped no one. _I wouldn't hurt you on purpose_ was closer to the truth and it sounded stupid to her, preemptively apologetic. _I love you_ was definitely true… but she hadn't said it yet... it took her a while to figure out that was what was happening. Now she withheld those words because they felt like a jinx to her, Tate… her mom…but then there was Alyssa. She'd said them to her sister and no lightning bolt had struck them down. In fairness, Shizuru had not yet said them either, not directly… but Natsuki could see it, feel it from her. That morning she had been content with letting her hands say _I want you_ … because she needed to understand this completely, the new need stirring in her. The times they'd been together since... each one had been eye-opening in one way or another.

Now she was standing in the doorway of her room. The woman was resting in her bed, with Duran curled against her stomach. Shizuru was sleeping in. She liked to do that… which shocked her. She would have bet on the woman being an early riser. Natsuki had noticed that her dog was much better at reading Shizuru's mood than she was. He always seemed to gravitate toward her when she was uncomfortable, laid at her feet, peering up at her while resting his head on his paws… even before he decided to love her possessively and devotedly. It helped her to notice subtle things, like the surprised blink, the straight-ahead stare, the shift in her eyes… there was a lot more to notice, but she could work on it, she _would_ work on it.

Natsuki smiled at them both, the small smile she tended to give when she felt relaxed because sunlight was stealing through the curtains and shimmering across their still forms… bringing out the golden reds in chestnut hair and the rusty orange in fur. It was absolutely love, it had to be. She'd tell the other woman that sometime soon. For now, it could just be beautiful…Shizuru was beautiful. Natsuki planned to stand in this doorway for a few moments more and appreciate the hell out of it.

**Aside #29: Mai HiME** _(Conversation)_

"I still don't understand why my guns are so small."

"They looked right to me that way." The blonde commented.

"Because you have baby hands. Not her fault." Nao chimed in.

"Idiot." Her face fell as she read the character description. "Oi! Delinquent tendencies? Loves mayo?!"

Alyssa grinned. "Payback." _Mayonnaise would have its day, oh yes._

"So Shizuru gets this Naginata from hell, Nao gets a damn combo Spiderman Wolverine thing, Mai gets bracelet style flamethrowers and I get toy guns and mayonnaise? What's with that?"

"Alyssa has done one of me? May I see it?" The notebook was handed over and Shizuru stared at the drawing, a smile on her face. "I like the color." The brunette remarked cheerfully, reading the character notes jotted along the side of the page. "I would assume the designation of Student Council President was Natsuki's doing?"

A lop-sided, self-satisfied grin crossed her face. "Maybe."

Shizuru gave the girl a happy smile, folding her arms and sending the woman beside her an unnoticed glance. "It is as well done as the rest of them."

"Thanks!" The blonde responded, her blush minimal compared to those she'd had in the past.

A dangerous grin appeared on the face of the woman in the armchair. "You're such a damn nerd pup. Spiderman my ass. It's more like an S & M thing."

"Nao, Jesus!" Natsuki gestured to her younger sister, while Shizuru watched her curiously. She thought it fascinating that her girlfriend knew what it was, wondered at the breadth of her knowledge on the subject.

"Can you two be nice to each other for once?" The blonde interrupted, giving them what was intended to be a stern look. She then rolled her eyes toward her sister. "And I know what S & M is Nat, I'm not twelve."

"Why do you know what that is?" Natsuki glared and Nao immediately noticed the small smirk on the face of the pup's girlfriend. The redhead winked in her direction, which caused a tawny eyebrow to curve upward.

"Nao showed me her collection." Alyssa grinned, sticking her tongue out childishly at the girl in the armchair.

Natsuki's eyes widened and her head flipped between the two. "What collection? What the hell does that mean?"

Lime green eyes narrowed, but a smirk was there. "Calm down, it's just wishful thinking. See, I think your kid sister's got a crush on me, Kuga." A quick-burning flame jumped to life inside that green glare and Alyssa watched, worried. "She's kinda cute, but it's never gonna happen," Nao commented only to further her friend's irritation as did the wink that accompanied it.

"Could've done without the 'kinda' but, thanks… I think." The girl rubbed at her neck, looking over at her sister. The expression on her face was troubling. "Nat…it's just a joke."

She was throwing an icy stare at the woman in the armchair and Shizuru was merely observing while she sipped at her tea. "Not funny."

"No, it's pretty funny," Nao argued, picking at her cuticles

The young blonde deliberately did not mention the fiasco that awaited her when she returned from her partying after the beach. That poor guy. She didn't even know people could be allergic to adhesive tape. The thought of his face and the contact dermatitis that was confined to a perfect rectangle over his mouth and across his wrists… there would be no denying exactly what he'd been up to unless he wanted to fake his own kidnapping. The Benadryl and ice packs and his bewildered look…she couldn't believe Nao was just gonna kick him out like that. On the other hand, it was just as unbelievable to Alyssa that Nao had caved so quickly when she'd gotten upset and insistent that they help him. Lastly, it was totally crazy how fast he ran out of that house when he found out whom it belonged to. The whole mess fit in nicely with what had become a running joke between them. It was now an inside joke, buried in a recurring gag about the young blonde being hopelessly smitten with the foul-mouthed redhead.

"Weren't you boring the hell out of us with your whining pup?" Nao asked.

"'Pup'?" Shizuru questioned, giving her girlfriend an intrigued stare. A bit of redness took the dark-haired woman's cheeks as she flicked her wrist dismissively, all of which resulted in a wide grin from across the way.

"She was complaining about her guns being too small." Alyssa reminded, kicking at the woman in the armchair's foot because she didn't like when the teases became too mean. Blood before friends.

Clearing her throat, Natsuki tried to brush away her embarrassment. "My point is that even if I made it to the end, how am I gonna beat your android, Alyssa? Her gun is like three times as big as mine, it's automatic, and you gave her options. This whole battle to the death scenario is rigged. I'd never survive." She remarked with frustration.

Mai chimed in from the kitchen with a cheerful addition. "It's not the size that matters Natsuki, ne?"

A stiff finger was pointed toward the other room. "Shut up Mai!" Shizuru had some difficulty containing a smile and was nudged with an elbow, before being given an incredulous look.

"Is that a reference to your boyfriend Tokiha?" Nao interjected, delighted with her own wittiness.

"Aw, Nao. Your concern is touching really, but I'm perfectly satisfied" Mai cooed, while the girl in the armchair rolled her eyes and the taller of the two women on the couch held in a laugh.

"Guess it doesn't take much."

"Mm, then you'd definitely be guessing." Was the retort as a well-aimed cracker sailed from the kitchen to ping off the top of Nao's head.

Mai smiled to herself as she went back to fixing the snacks. Nao never got under her skin the way she could their dark-haired friend. She liked the banter every now and then and had no problem giving it back. She and the other girl had become closer since their night on the balcony and what that meant was an increase in the amount of teasing. Alyssa and Shizuru were watching the scene with definite amusement, and only the younger of the two carried the smallest amount of mortification.

"Stop! Goddamn. I have to work with him!" Natsuki glared at both of them, trying quite hard and quite obviously to hide any humor she found in the conversation. "And Nao was way more of a delinquent than I was, by the way, Alyssa. I just skipped all the time."

Laughing, red-brown eyes turned on the sulky dark-haired woman, patting her cheek with a bright smile. "I would devote the bulk of my resources as Student Council President to Natsuki's protection, even if she is a truant."

Two pairs of green eyes rolled for entirely different reasons.

"Does the Student Council President get an AK-47?" The armchair occupant asked.

Shizuru looked to Alyssa questioningly, who smirked and shook her head as she pushed the notebook forward once again. "Doubtful, I am afraid."

The young blonde flipped through the notebook. She found it amusing how older people always insisted teenagers were such hormone-driven creatures. In her experience, people who called themselves adults were far worse. "Here, Nat."

As the journal was taken, the blonde flopped onto her back of the carpet, making herself comfortable and wiggling her fingers at Duran, who snapped his teeth at the air excitedly. "What's this?"

Alyssa bent her knees and used them to lift her hips, while she fished a pack of gum from her back pocket. "New design."

The raven-haired woman took the notebook and gazed at the new picture, wide-eyed. "…woah."

"You said you wanted a bigger gun."

There was a crooked grin on her face that matched her younger sister's almost perfectly. "That's a damn cannon. What's with the outfit?"

"New world. Same characters."

"Better." Another moment to study the drawing. "The hair thing looks like the headphones you gave me."

"Yup." They shared a brief, similarly shaped smile.

Shizuru glanced over and looked at the page, a smile of her own forming. "It is _impressively_ large." Natsuki's head dipped as she frowned.

Nao grinned dangerously, the slender fingers that dangled off her knee snatching the pack of gum from the hands of the young woman, who glared playfully at her. "That Naginata is pretty big too, Doc. You sure you could work it? Could be pretty rough if you don't know what you're doing. Wouldn't want you to hurt yourself with it…or the pup."

The steady gaze that was now turned on the woman in the armchair, sparkled with amusement. There was an odd sort of tension between them, the kind that existed between two people unsure of what to make of one another. Shizuru rested an elbow on the arm of the couch, placing her thumb beneath her chin and resting two fingers on the side of her face.

"It is a fairly straightforward design, no? The size may be daunting for one who has never controlled such an instrument before, but I must confess I have had some practice."

"My mistake, Doc." Natsuki's eyes darted between the two women, not completely sure they meant what she thought they might, but definitely sure that she didn't want any clarification. If it made Nao back down, then chances are it would set her face aflame.

"You guys are taking this way too seriously." Alyssa interrupted, a bit uncomfortable as she stole the pack back, unwrapped a piece of gum, and tossed the whole thing to her sister.

Natsuki set it on the coffee table for use after her snacking and continued reading through a few more pages. She paused on one in particular and slumped against the couch. "So, why is Mai the hero?"

A scoffing laugh erupted from the armchair. "Really Kuga? Tokiha's got selfless, sappy do-gooder written all over her." Studying their friend as she walked in, plates balanced on arms, Natsuki's mouth quirked. It was true actually. "Besides, you'd make a shitty hero. You're too abrasive."

Alyssa laughed, tilting her head back to glance at Nao. "Oh, Nat's too abrasive?"

A hand flicked downward dismissively and mussed blonde hair, before shoving her head playfully. "I never said I wanted to be the hero."

"I could be the bad guy!" Mai protested, setting a plate of freshly made snacks in front of her friends. "Get your feet off the armrest Nao, geez." She shooed the other redhead's socked feet away.

"Which would it be, Tokiha? Feed them to death or nag them to death?" Nao commented, grabbing a piece of food, ignoring the flash of offense on the other redhead's face. Natsuki laughed too loudly. "I don't know about you as the villain. Sorry, kid." She glanced down at Alyssa. "That boyfriend of yours would be way better, Tokiha. 'One drink's' too pretty and proper. It would give him some damn character."

Mai raised an eyebrow. "I dunno, I still think I could be the villain!"

"Not a goddamn chance." Nao threw out derisively and Natsuki cocked her head in agreement.

"That whale dragon thing Alyssa gave me looks kinda dangerous."

"A whale dragon?"

"I mean, it's a dragon, but it kind of looks like a whale too, no?"

"Guess you need a visual. There's one over on the couch plowing through your snacks like it's her damn job." Natsuki glared ferociously, mid-bite and her girlfriend stared rather intensely, none too pleased either. Alyssa's mouth had formed a tiny 'o' as she looked between the two women.

Smiling, Mai pushed a piece of food into Nao's surprised mouth, grinning and giving a thumb's up and squinting "Mmm. Now I see it."


	30. An Epilogue in Thirty Parts

**Epilogue #1: Sanada Yukariko  
** **Date: June 1** **st** **, 2014… a Sunday**

Sister Yukariko stared down at the novel in her lap, Yuuki-san beside her and stunned to speechlessness for the first time since they met one another. Feeling absolutely horrified, she tossed the non-descript black paperback onto the expanse of pew bench between them. Her face, its redness, and the undeniable wretchedness she was feeling, the girl must've understood without her saying a thing.

"I can't believe it." The lamb said finally.

Her hands flew up, stopping whatever else might be said. "Please!"

"Sorry sister, but Jesus Christ."

And the blaspheming as well? Her soul had never felt more in danger. "Yuuki-san goodness! Control yourself." It was utter corruption. "It feels like sacrilege that it's even still in my possession."

The girl didn't move though. She sat quietly, was passing her crucifix along its chain, foot dangling from crossed legs and the noise… _zrrp zrrp zrrp_ … it was like a metronome keeping time for some march to damnation. It was destroying the nun's already frazzled nerves. And oh, there was not enough penance in the world to fully absolve her, not after she'd continued past page one.

"I can't believe you read it."

"I didn't!" The correction was adamant, but it was a lie and she was instantly ashamed of her dishonesty. "Not all of it certainly."

Glancing at Yuuki-san had been a mistake, because that smirk, those eyes which were always brimming with dark mischief, as soon as she saw them… she was wholly abashed all over again. "How much sister?"

"Enough to know it's the devil's prose!" Yuuki-san definitely was finding this funny and she tried to be stern through her humiliation. "How did you even stumble upon such a terrible book?" An eyebrow raised and that was an unwise question to pose, wasn't it? Because the lamb didn't seem the type to stumble upon such things. She seemed the type who would know where to find them. "No, please, don't tell me."

"I didn't think you'd actually read any of it." That tone was just squeezing every ounce of guilt from her.

"Well, I hardly knew what wickedness it held!" The defense was more of a plea to the lord because it had infected her somehow from the first moment she touched it. Inexplicably, she was drawn back after each abandoning. It sat like a terrible festering secret in her mind…not the degeneracy of the actual content, but just the notion that an entire novel could be written with no purpose other than to indulge such depravity. The way it haunted her was especially noticeable whenever she saw that Spine surgeon, it nefariously leaping into her consciousness at the sight of him. Another page was read and soon two chapters, before the book's sinfulness and her own, were too much to bear. She'd been praying for forgiveness, for the strength to forget it, daily since she opened it.

"Just take it with you. For the sake of our Heavenly father Yuuki-san, it can't stay here any longer." Sister Yukariko covered her face with her hands, like a shield

"Sure, I could use a re-read anyway." Through her fingers, she watched as Yuuki-san, with a bit of a smirk, slipped it into her bag. "I take it you don't feel like praying?" The girl said, turning her way, still so clearly and woefully entertained by her plight.

"Could you think of a better time?" If any two people needed to atone themselves today, it was them. "Pray with me and not another word about that book."

**Epilogue #2: Kanzaki Reito  
** **Date: July 2** **nd** **, 2014… a Wednesday**

Reito walked along a familiar stretch of road, toward the shop on the corner he frequented even more now than before. There was something amiss within him, something strange, a sensation more than anything else. Last night… that dream… the necklace that Mikoto had shown to him when they'd first met, the recently found present from Shizuru that he'd found tucked away in his glove compartment from the beach party, all of it would not leave him be.

He remembered the first night he ever had what might've been a lost recollection of his time before the orphanage. It was one of the first Christmas parties he'd thrown while at Fuuka. He'd found two pieces of black stone in a wooden box where he kept a random assortment of things months before the event. He could not remember where they'd come from, but they drew his eye and he had them fashioned into cuff links. He was wearing them at the party, on the edge of intoxicated and flirting with some young nurse, when they caught the firelight. It was more of a series of flashes than anything else, what appeared in his mind. The gleaming obsidian of the cuff… it became Mikoto's necklace, his mother's face, his father's hands. It made him feel sick instantly.

Was that visage truly his mother's? Those hands truly his father's? He did not know, and he did not want to. His early childhood had always been faded memory, just still frames of a farmhouse, swaying reeds, his Grandfather, a cat or two…were they even a memory? He had assumed so, but they could also be some amalgamation of images seen in waking life.

The experience had shocked him so violently that he'd taken the cuff links off instantly, walked into the woods outside his house, and let them slip from his fingertips, into the long grass. Whatever had come to him, he had no interest in thinking on it further. Shizuru had, of course, been the person who noticed their absence at the night's end. A wife-like reminder to search for them... his lie... and her replacement gift after so much time. They were so extraordinarily close to the original pair and then his dream last night.

He, as a young boy in the orphanage, and a little girl that was his friend. She was so upset…crying her eyes out because that boy was teasing her again…they all teased her. He sang to her to calm her…a lullaby he knew well with his fingers drawing shapes from the song's story softly on her forehead. That boy who'd hurt her came back to taunt them, shoving him and pushing him, shoving him again and again and calling him gay for singing like that, touching so gently, like a girl…and the feeling that rose in his chest…darkness, anger, the necklace…his necklace just like Mikoto's. He'd run to where he hid it in the lining of his old coat. His small hand, the pendant part of the necklace wrapped around his fingers, strap held tightly in his clenched fist.

He punched that boy so hard. His nose crunched sickeningly, and the pendant cracked in two, blood and halves of the stone on the floor. That dark feeling filled him…like some animal inside, an image of a man's hands, his mother's face, and then the horrified faces of everyone who saw circling him. Then he was swinging his hands, kicking and yelling as they dragged him from the room, as he struggled out of their grasp just long enough to grab the red-stained pieces of obsidian from the ground.

Mai told him she'd tried to wake him, touched his shoulder because his sleep was so fitful, she said he was yelling… more noises than words. It seemed he'd narrowly avoided punching her face under the spell of his dream, hit her upper arm instead. Waking to her gasp and those eyes wide, staring…he saw her hand gripping just below her shoulder and felt sweat covering every inch of his body. As he left the bed that night, begging for a moment alone and apologizing profusely…he slunk to the couch just before another past snippet played uninvited across his mind.

They'd made him stay by himself for days afterward and from then on, he'd made a game of pretending the anger didn't exist and after years and years, maybe that was true.

He had moved past all of it or so he thought… he had a good life. Why this now? A dream of something he couldn't even be sure was the past after so many years sanded smooth with contentment. He'd come back to bed but didn't sleep at all and was certain she barely did either. His eyes could not stop falling to her arm and the worry, that she might ask, what he could possibly say, what she might think…it was unbearable.

Gazing inside the brightly lit shop as he reached it, there was Mai smiling awkwardly behind the counter at a customer whose eyes had not remained on her face. She was not yet aware of his presence, and the bruise on her arm when it peeked from beneath her sleeve, jumped out at him even though she'd tried to cover it. He turned and moved away from those glass windows that felt so exposing. He leaned against the brick in the alley, feeling unable to move, unwelcome sensations crawling across his skin. Loosening his tie, unbuttoning the top of his collared shirt, did little to ease the suffocating sight of black and blue on her skin. The image of her arm became monstrous behind his closed eyes.

He couldn't see her, not now, not tonight…and he turned back in the direction he'd come, back to the garage, and drove himself home.

**Epilogue #3: Minagi Mikoto  
** **Date: July 5** **th** **, 2014… a Saturday**

"Bye." She yelled, slamming the front door in frustration. _Good riddance._

"Don't be rude, Mikoto." He was waving to the woman apologetically as she walked to her car, but she didn't care because that woman wasn't Mai-chan. She shouldn't have been here in the first place. Dejectedly, she went back to playing with her pet on the carpet in the great room.

"Ani-ue," The name was strange to her brother still, so she didn't use it around other people. She could tell because he always stared at her a little longer than he needed to when she called him that.

"Yes?" He was glancing up from the papers he was organizing, down to the rug where she was watching Miroku sniffing around. Her brother was also pretending he didn't know she was mad at him… he liked to do that.

"I wish you wouldn't have girls over." It wasn't right, having another girl here when Mai-chan had texted him a bunch of times and he wasn't answering her. She'd checked his phone each time it buzzed. Mai-chan and Shizuru-san both. He wasn't answering either of them.

The look he gave was trying its hardest to be stern. "It was only one woman, Mikoto and she is my financial advisor." What did _that_ matter?

"Why didn't Mai-chan come over?" Mai-chan and her brother were supposed to have dinner here last night.

"That's a bold question, isn't it Mikoto?" He asked with a small grin, a raised finger as though this conversation were playful.

It wasn't playful and they weren't joking around and he was being annoying. "I don't understand why you're being so mean! She's been texting you."

He was giving her that look he did when she was too pushy or did things he'd asked her not to. "Mikoto, you know you're not supposed to touch my phone."

"It wouldn't stop buzzing. Shizuru-san texted you too." Both seemed pretty worried about him, from what she'd read… although Shizuru-san was less direct.

"Mikoto…"

"Watch Miroku for a minute!" She yelled before scurrying off to the kitchen, rummaging for something to feed her pet. He looked like he needed a snack.

He was sighing to himself loudly in the other room, which she ignored while searching for the carrots. He'd been doing that for two days now…sulking on the couch, or in the kitchen and all because he had a bad dream. It was silly to her because everyone had nightmares and Mai-chan wouldn't care. She heard him yelling. He'd done that before when he slept and she knew it was a dream yell because it had a weird muffle-y sound… like he had tape over his mouth or something. It always woke her up and it woke Mai-chan up this time too. She heard them talking after. The whole next day, he was so strange and then he just stopped talking to Mai-chan. She knew because the woman had asked her how he was today when she was at the shop working.

 _Ah, there they were!_ She frowned because the bag was almost empty, but at least there were a few still in there. She grabbed the carrots and skipped back over to the creature, plopping herself down.

Her brother was watching her with his hands steepled like a movie villain. He was such a weirdo sometimes. "I've been neglecting you, haven't I? Would you like to watch a movie, Mikoto?"

"You're gonna fall asleep or leave when it gets good! You always do." She answered matter-of-factly, passing a bit of vegetable to the animal beside her. Carrots were his favorite.

"I won't, I promise." She was not convinced.

"You never wanna watch the movies I like." Suspicious, she eyed him, deciding there was a strong possibility that he was just trying to distract her, to get her to stop asking questions. But another question had already formed, as soon as she saw Miroku amble toward the chair Reito was sitting in. "Hey! How come you don't like Shizuru-san's present?"

She was surprised by how worried her asking that made him. "What makes you think I don't appreciate her gift?"

It was a present, he said, that Shizuru-san gave him because of his new job. He said he'd forgotten he'd put it in the glove compartment after the beach party… and that was a while ago. They'd opened it together. Two black shiny stones embedded in silver, with funny T-shaped backs. Cuff links, he said. She had no idea what that meant, and it made no more sense to her when he explained them. It was jewelry for his shirts basically.

"You hid it under the chair over there. Miroku found it while he was exploring." She charged.

"Did he? He's quite clever for a hedgehog." He eyed the animal as it sauntered along the carpet.

"You know what else was in there?" The stranger thing to her was the other thing he'd put in the box…that he'd taken it in the first place. They weren't supposed to take each other's stuff, but she wasn't supposed to look at his phone either, so she guessed she couldn't be too mad.

"I do, yes." Reito would not look at her, brushed his hair from his eyes.

"You hid my necklace!" She gave him an accusing glare and pointed a finger at him.

"It was a silly thing to do." He admitted and that was not an answer.

Mikoto studied him like she would a stranger, trying to figure out why he was being so secretive. She tried to think about the things he didn't like to say and wondered if maybe it made him feel the same way she did sometimes.

"Did you take it and hide it because it makes you sad?" Though she liked it, the necklace occasionally would make her blue because it was from their mother. "I get sad sometimes too when I look at it."

His eyes opened and he was looking at her in such an odd way like he'd never seen her before. "Do you?"

"Mmm-hmm. Grandpa told me Mama made them." She said, giving Miroku another bit of carrot which he crunched happily. It was strange to her that her brother would ask her anything more about that stuff now. They'd never much talked about Grandpa or the necklace or their parents, not since the very beginning. She always thought he didn't want to.

"I'm surprised you remember that, Mikoto."

She knelt on her heels and looked at him curiously, wondering what would make him think she didn't remember. "Why?"

Her brother smiled at her like it was hard for him to do as though he couldn't figure out how. "Perhaps that was silly of me as well."

So, the necklace was explained but what about the shirt jewelry? "Why did you hide my necklace with Shizuru-san's present?"

He moved to sit on the carpet beside her, took a carrot for himself, turning it in his fingers. "It is because her present…I think it reminds me of our mother as well… and maybe our father too." Her frown was deep because that answer instantly made her understand why he stashed them.

"I wouldn't bother remembering him." She offered.

Her brother turned the carrot in his grip again. "Did our grandfather ever say anything about him, I wonder?

She scrunched her mouth up and stared over at her brother. "He said he wasn't very nice," Grandpa told her that Reito lived with their father when he was very young, whereas she never had… that he wasn't very good to her brother or her mother and maybe the cuff links weren't a very good present. "Why would Shizuru-san get you them?"

He gave her a better smile than the others he'd tried. "She wasn't aware. All that she knew was I had lost the original pair." Biting off half of the small root vegetable, he then held out the rest to the cinnamon hedgehog who came scurrying over, gnawing at the end of it.

"Oh, she was trying to be nice!"

"Yes, she very much was." Reito agreed, releasing the last bite to the small animal who made short work of it.

Nodding sagely to herself, she made a pronouncement. "That makes more sense."

Her brother was definitely not himself these past two days, and if it was just the necklace and the present making bad memories came back, maybe she could help with that. "Hey, Ani-ue?"

"Hmm?"

"Miroku and me can take the present with the necklace. He likes shiny things and that way you don't have to see them. We won't tell you where they are… and I won't tell Shizuru-san either. If you want." Sometimes people gave you things you didn't want, but even she knew you never were supposed to tell them so.

"Thank you, that's very thoughtful." It was another good smile and she felt one of her own forming. "I think I'd like that."

It faded fast though and he was staring at nothing really with such a serious expression. That beard he had now… and she felt one of her own memories returning. He looked like that picture!

"Do you remember Grandpa?" She asked him. "Or the house?"

"Not very much, maybe that it was a farmhouse, there was a cat perhaps?" She was surprised he recalled one of the cats, wasn't sure they'd been there when he had.

"Orange or tabby or black?"

"Orange, I think."

"Taro!" She lifted her finger, grinning. Taro was a good one, even with his chewed ear…greedy though and very fat. Glancing over at him, she noticed her brother was frowning, and she wondered if thinking of Grandpa and the farm cats made him sad too.

Still, she wanted to tell him about the photo because she'd loved looking at it. "With your beard, you look like his picture from the army." It was said around a carrot, cracking and snapping noises breaking up the comment. "You talk like him too."

His head tilted slowly, a hand self-consciously pulling across his facial hair. It made a weird scratching noise. It was nice that he looked like that brown-tinted picture with the rough edges, liked that she could still hear him in his voice or see him in his smiles.

"That's how I could tell you'd be a good brother!" And it was the truth. When she showed up on his doorstep after Grandpa died, as soon as he opened his mouth, he felt like home.

"Mikoto, can I ask you something?" She nodded happily, watching him. "Do you know why it is," He stopped, his voice a little funny before he fixed it. "that I didn't stay with our Grandfather?"

"Yup!" Sitting back on her heels again, she studied the man sitting next to her, talking still through bits of food. "Grandpa said that some bad men from the government came. They said he couldn't take care of you right because he was too old and didn't have any money. He said that's why people couldn't know about me. He said that's why I couldn't go to school."

Her brother was studying her intensely and she realized suddenly, that even if this time it hadn't been completely on purpose, he'd succeeded in distracting her. _No more!_ She was supposed to be talking to him about Mai-chan. Maybe he just needed to know that Mai-chan got sad just like them.

"Everyone has bad dreams Ani-ue and Mai-chan gets sad about her mom and dad too. You could talk to her."

He was silent for an irritatingly long time, blinking and touching his beard, making that scratching noise again. "You think so?" _Of course, she thought so._ Didn't he?

"You'd have to say sorry first for being mean." He needed to know that going in because you can't just ignore people and not say 'sorry'.

"I would, wouldn't I?" It was said quietly as he heaved another one of those sighs, mussed his hair. At least he knew, but he was looking at her again and she didn't know why. "Mikoto…could your brother have a hug I wonder?" She smiled and threw her arms around him because that was easy and he seemed like he could use one.

"We need more carrots!" It was spoken next to his ear as she squeezed him.

He patted her back before releasing her. "We can pick some up tomorrow."

She placed her hands on her hips and stared him down. "Are you gonna call Mai now?"

Something of a relieved laugh tumbled out of him and he seemed a lot less like a raincloud. "That was a bit pushy, Mikoto."

"Well, she's waiting!"

"I will after our movie, that way I can think of how best to apologize. How about that?"

"Fine, but I wanna watch this one!" Glancing over the title, she could tell he wasn't excited, but he never was when she chose a horror movie… which was pretty much always what she wanted to watch. She loved them though and knew he wasn't going to argue. So, it was with particular relish that she popped "Tokyo Gore Police" in to play, trotting off to grab some snacks with Miroku, him turning to a ball in her hands, while the title ran.

She'd have to show the cats some clips of it when the shop was slow… she was convinced they'd love it too.

**Epilogue #4: Tokiha Mai  
** **Date: July 5** **th** **, 2014…a Saturday**

Her brother was making her dinner…was wearing her apron, which she found more humorous than uncomfortable at this point. She had felt happy, settled with Reito, had not seen this coming.

He'd had a nightmare, a very bad one it seemed like. He'd hit her so hard while thrashing that it made her see stars, made her eyes tear, but it was definitely by accident. Which was not to say she was pleased about when it happened…she'd even had to lift her hands to cover herself from a second blow by his suddenly wild arms. She wasn't afraid really, more startled than anything else…by the unexpectedness, the violence, the sounds he made, the intensity of his breathing. Shouting his name loudly, it was really all she could think to do, wake him up somehow. Emotions were blazing all over his face and his eyes, she'd never seen anything even remotely similar in them before. A voice barely his own had come before he excused himself.

He'd disappeared the next day after he left in the morning. Ceased all contact, except to cancel their plans. A generous coating of concealer did enough to mostly cover the angry bruise on her arm because she knew any explanation would sound a lie. It hurt quite a bit still and she hurt quite a bit more. The image of that expression on his usually calm face, she couldn't wrap her mind around it. Takumi was the only soul she'd told. It had been nearly three days.

She had made sure not to tell Natsuki when she stopped by for a coffee this morning because it would've required context to understand, and she didn't have any that. There was also just a weird feeling she got when they met eyes, that her friend was dealing with something herself.

Even in her upset though, she didn't intend to ignore the fact she was being cooked for, was sending a small smile Takumi's way. He was making something very spicy and she was looking forward to it. They both liked food a few shades hotter than most and only got to fully indulge when it was just the two of them.

"You've become quite the little chef." He knew from the look in her eyes, that her compliment, her smile…were merely a bit more concealer.

"I'm not sure Akira would agree."

A hand was flipped dismissively. "He's too picky."

"That's for sure." He said around a laugh that quickly faded when he saw her expression. "So, how mad are you?"

"I don't even know, Takumi." Pausing, she dragged her finger in circles on the counter. "You should've seen his face."

"Did you end up asking Mikoto if he was okay?"

She was slightly humiliated that she had but didn't lie. "Yeah."

"Did she say anything?" He asked as he ladled some of the soup and noodles he'd made into bowls.

"She said 'no' which wasn't very helpful. And I can't ask Shizuru, because then I'll have to ask her not to tell Natsuki. She'd flip."

"She might not."

"She absolutely would, and he obviously doesn't want to talk." An uncomfortable silence settled over them as they both tasted the deliciously spicy soup. They exchanged similar smiles as their lips started to tingle. It was then that her phone started vibrating against the counter. A sideways glance and Takumi gave her a quick _'what are you waiting for'_ expression.

She hit the button to answer it, heart in her throat. "Hey, how are…um, sure. No, I'm still there. Okay." She hung, up, gazing down at the bench. "He's coming over."

"Told you he'd call." He commented, taking another spoonful. "How long?"

"Probably twenty minutes or something."

"Text me after." Her brother said appearing unusually grave. "And don't let him off too easy."

"So worried, Takumi." She commented, eating a few bites even though she didn't feel very hungry anymore. "It's supposed to be the other way around, ne?"

Her brother gave her a rather knowing look and the rest of their meal passed in relative silence before he left with a hug. While she sat there in the closed restaurant waiting, her nerves began to build. Gnawing inside her were suspicions, but it wasn't as though they'd never talked about anything. Here and there…sections of their histories had been discussed, his adoption, her parents' death, Takumi's health, his meeting Mikoto… details emerging in the casual sort of way that they tended to in a relationship. Why had he reacted so strongly to this, she wasn't sure.

He didn't really say anything as he came through the door, not until he was about half-way across the seating area of the dimmed restaurant.

"May I sit with you?" Her gaze was steady, but that question first, like things had changed so drastically, it bothered her. She only gestured to the spot beside her in response. When he sat, it was not upright as he usually did, but leaning over, hands folded and elbows on knees. "I believe I owe you an apology."

Leaning back, air passing audibly over her lips, she pushed a hand between her knees where they were crossed. There wasn't much she could think to say except exactly what she'd been wondering since he left. "What happened?"

In the poorly lit seating area, she watched his face, covered in the shifting shadows of a passing car, staring at nothing. "It is difficult to explain fully…I know that many people like to think on their childhoods. I'm certain you and your brother recall many pleasant moments from when you were small?"

Though she understood what he meant, that wasn't exactly the truth. Memories they held close, of times together as a family were often as painful as they were precious. "…some not so pleasant."

The quiet correction made him hang his head. "Apologies again, Mai. That was not very sensitive of me." And then he was looking at her, into her. "Life has hardly been fair to you."

Worrying her lip, she turned her eyes down. She was feeling a little swimmy emotionally, probably the stress of this… how caught out she was by it. There was some fear there too because him beginning that way, him mentioning childhood straight away, it confirmed where the conversation was likely to go. "Is that what it was? A nightmare about something from when you were a kid?"

His jaw shifted beneath the short beard he was growing. "I don't recall much from before the orphanage, in all honesty…but it did feel real enough I suppose, to make me wonder if it was."

"It seemed pretty real." Frighteningly real in fact, though she did not use those words and she could already feel her anger beginning to dissipate beneath his obvious sincerity. She was annoyed at herself for it.

Guilty eyes glanced sidelong at her torso. "How is your arm feeling, can I ask?"

Rubbing at it self-consciously, she regarded him, needing to say at least one thing. "I know it wasn't on purpose, but the ignoring me was."

A slow nod met her words, and he took his time in finding what he wished to reply with, maybe was even struggling with it, but it was doing nothing for her emotional stability. "It's something that I have been trying to unravel myself, but the only answer I've come to is that there are certain things, Mai, that I don't remember, things I do not wish to… things I cannot talk about beyond the fact that they are there. I have had a good life beyond those things. That is what I want to think of, my adopted parents, Mikoto, my friends, and now…you." Her eyes turned his way. "I can tell you it was not a happy memory if it was truly one at all, that there are likely more unhappy memories…but I did not think I could ask you to let me leave it at that. I hope you'll forgive me for saying so."

Mai sat, absorbing his words, fingers scratching restlessly at the inside of her knee. Something in those ideas resonated, wasn't all that different than how she felt about aspects of her own life. There were certain things that she stowed away, where talking was just reliving and not healing. She understood needing it to be enough for someone else sometimes… just to know something happened, without knowing every detail. He was looking at her again with those suddenly expressive eyes, waiting for an answer.

"Believe it or not..." Making sure she had his eyes, she told him her mind. "I can live with that Reito." But there would be a single rule about it. "Unless you're gonna disappear every time. That isn't something I wanna be a part of."

It was his turn to digest what she'd said, and another slow nod came. "I am truly sorry about that, Mai. I promise you that it will not happen again." And he did seem to be very genuinely repentant.

"Okay." The soft answer was just as much for herself as it was for him.

"You know, Mikoto did advise that you'd be exceptionally understanding." A tentative glance. "Yet again, she may be correct."

She laughed a little. "Mm, I don't know about 'exceptionally'. I promised Takumi I wouldn't forgive you too easily." Even as she said it, she leaned back, a bit closer to him.

He followed suit, his arm stretching behind her put not yet touching, along the top of the bench. "So then, it would seem I'll still have some making up to do?"

There was another soft chuckle, this one carrying a trace of playful mocking. "It's been like five minutes, Reito."

"A fair point." He acknowledged, then with solemnity added, "Your brother must be rather displeased with me."

"He worries." Her head fell to his shoulder, against the soft shirt he was wearing. "He just wants to make sure I'm taken care of."

"If it is not too late, I'd like to nominate myself for the position."

"Oh, you would huh?" She asked with a sideways glance. His arm fell from behind the bench and draped across her.

"I would also understand if you felt some level of punishment was in order first." The joke was delivered with admirably steady seriousness.

"I think that's more Nao's bag." She was absolutely sure it was more Nao's thing, actually.

"Ah yes. Upon reflection, there was one occasion where she did threaten to tie me to a barstool."

"Sounds about right." A full laugh this time, with some embarrassment woven in.

There was another moment that passed between them, where she turned on the seating bench, where he turned too, where they angled toward each other and then they were kissing. That beard was going to take some getting used to, but she definitely didn't hate it, definitely didn't hate him, definitely was going to kiss him again fully forgiven or not. Takumi knew her too well, and she felt thoroughly chagrinned, as a brief, but ridiculous thought came to her…of being irresponsible enough to let this go further, as they deepened their kiss.

He pulled back suddenly, back of his hand wiping at his mouth, as a hiss turned to a cough…as his eyes were clenched. "Mai. What…" There was a bit of a spasm from him, as he violently cleared his throat, and she was alarmed to see his eyes tearing, color creeping up his neck. "Ha ah, what did you…" Another cough and a tear ran full down his cheek, a tremor racked him. "What did you eat?"

"Just some spicy ramen." There was no way this was a reaction to second-hand spice. If so, he had the single worst tolerance of any person she'd ever met…except for Mikoto. It made sense, suddenly.

"Ha-ah, it's like fire." Pushing himself off of the bench, he shoved himself toward the eatery's backroom, hitting his chest with a fist while airy barks forced their way out.

"Don't drink any water, have some milk or juice Reito!" It was yelled, as she sat in disbelief on the bench, attempting not to laugh, any remaining tension between them completely evaporated. "Well, I guess you got your punishment." She honestly tried to hold in the smirk, but it was impossible.

"I would…eh-hmm… say so." The red, watery eyes that met hers looked more traumatized than anything else, holding a cup of milk shakily, hunched against the wall, with tiny beads of sweat breaking across his forehead.

After a few more gulps and gasps and he did manage a small smile, one which she returned, one which turned to a bit of laughter from both of them… before something caught her eye.

"Those little creeps!"

He was clearly surprised by the outburst, another cough rattling him. "What?"

"Look!" Mai whispered, pointing to two pairs of glowing eyes belonging to the stray cats, perched in the window and fixed on the pair of them.

**Epilogue #5: Tate Yuuichi  
** **Date: August 16** **th** **, 2014… a Saturday**

Yuuichi sat on the edge of the bench in the public gardens thinking over what Shiho's text message had said. There were two things he was certain of at the moment, wherever Shiho got that picture of Natsuki and this unknown woman, it wasn't with Natsuki's permission. The other was that breaking up with the pink-haired woman was the right decision. It was one more affirmation that she was in fact not the tolerable levels of crazy he was accustomed to, something beyond that… something vindictive.

The things that he didn't know were much more numerous. He didn't know how to feel about his life. His ex, a woman he wanted to marry, loved…she seemed to be dating another woman. It felt like a blow and a relief at the same time, Shiho's taunting words augmenting an unease that likely would have otherwise faded. Remembrances came of guilty moments where he'd been out with Natsuki and some pretty girl had grabbed his gaze for half a second. Had it grabbed hers too and he never noticed because he was distracted himself? He'd not been able to bring himself to ask Mai about it when he stopped by her shop now and then, had forced himself to block Shiho's number and deleted the messages.

 _Those stupid texts from Shiho_ , congratulating him like her dating a woman was something he'd driven her to, suggesting he was _that_ awful to be with. Even with every pixel destroyed, the images lived in his mind, despite their ambiguousness. The images really didn't prove much of anything…just their hands touching, them sitting close to each other. He felt like an idiot for letting it bother him, for wondering if it might be true too, what Shiho had insinuated. If Natsuki were actually with the woman from the pictures, was it even possible for it to be his fault? He didn't think that was how stuff like that worked and he knew that were she ever to discover that he even entertained the idea, the dark-haired woman would have slapped his face for being so foolish. And Kuga Natsuki definitely could slap.

He didn't know how to feel about how disastrously events had unfolded between him and Shiho either. He didn't know how to feel about how far he'd let himself fall or the softness around his middle he'd been trying to rid himself of or how to feel about the girl he kept running into. That woman who came to check on him after his hand surgery, he'd thought her an angel looking down on him when he was waking up from the anesthesia, voice soft, ceiling lights behind her making a halo, those unusual golden-brown eyes… those amber-colored eyes. He'd seen her in the grocery store twice now and a few times in this park where they both ran. She no longer looked like an angel to him without the effects of the drugs. He didn't believe in those kinds of things anyway, but she was definitely a beautiful woman.

Today had started with the best intentions. He had decided that he was not going to think about how many months it had been since Shiho, he was not going to think about those pictures either. He had every intention of simply focusing on his run today...until he had come across the ring he intended to give Natsuki while digging in his sock drawer for a matcher this morning. It was his grandmother's. She'd given it to him personally before she died, told him he'd know when he met the right girl; he thought he did know. When Shiho had specified a size, spoke of specific settings and carats, before that even, he'd decided not to offer her the family heirloom. That should have been a sign to him, so much should have been a sign to him. Maybe the fact that Natsuki stole his tie once in high school should have been a sign, even if it was just to piss off Miss Maria, even if Nao then started stealing it all the time. Maybe the fact she thought his face was scratchy should've been a sign too, he didn't know.

 _No, no more thinking about it._ He wasn't supposed to be letting himself wallow anymore. He'd stopped drinking and he'd started running a month ago to help his nervous energy, his belly. It was shortly after the 'camping trip' that turned out to be a trek through the woods and mountains, he'd realized how much he was mistreating himself. The exercise had nearly killed him. He was out of shape and never in his life had that been true. He was an active guy, fit, and careful… and now he couldn't walk up a hill without panting.

Two weeks after, Yuuichi had walked into Masashi's dojo and waited till the class ended, picked up a kendo stick. The dark-haired man had said nothing, only nodded and walked over to him, took up a stance. They'd sparred, easy because of his hand and his knee, even though both had healed. The memory felt good, the sun felt good, running felt good, not throwing up so much felt good. He was even picking up some of the classes at the dojo now and then.

The drawstrings of the hoodie he was wearing hung down to his knees where elbows rested, a bottle of water on the bench beside him. He had a good run this morning and he closed his eyes for a moment to soak it in a little.

As he opened them, the former angel came jogging strongly up to the park gate, finishing her run. Those eyes that looked a bit like embers meet his with a stiff but real smile and a little wave, which he returned. Making a decision, he stood up and walked over to her. He made decent small talk about their runs, she asked after his hand as she stretched, then he asked her for coffee. She was surprised but said 'yes'… seemed genuinely interested if a bit stunned.

He didn't want to worry too much about it yet, overthink it. Only coffee, for now, he'd play it by ear, and maybe this time, if he paid attention, took care of himself as well…something would work.

**Epilogue #6: Kuga Natsuki  
** **Date: October 2** **nd** **, 2014… a Thursday**

She was lying awake and glancing at the sleep-softened face of her lover, who was murmuring softly. Even with Shizuru there, doing that pretty adorable sleep-talking thing she did sometimes…she couldn't quiet her mind.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. She had already found the clues, pieced them together, tracked down Yamada, tracked down the protocols, and finally understood much of what eluded her for years. If Natsuki was completely honest with herself, she expected to feel some deeper sense of accomplishment, some sense that justice had been served. But instead, there was an aching sort of hollowness beginning to tug at her for attention…because it was starting all over again.

The specter of unfound secrets related to HiME, related to her mother, hints, and rumors… it was taking her right back to her residency. Kyoto and Oxford gave her distance from HiME, forced her to let it go a little, while her brain was saturated with the profoundly overwhelming experience of residency. It let her see that maybe she'd gone as far as she could with all of it, to begin to accept that what mattered was what her mother meant to her.

Her final year in Kyoto though had been full of resurging rumors…about Fuuka Hospital and a man named Homura, and then that Trauma fellowship came up. She knew if she applied, she'd get it. Searrs owned the hospital. He thought himself clever enough for her not to intuit that he interfered whenever doors just oddly opened for her. His interference had always been unwelcome, but unfixable because she didn't have the slightest intention of ever confronting him. That would require speaking to him, so half the time she simply walked away from opportunities that seemed too good to be true. Fuuka Hospital though, she used his influence deliberately for the first time. Her mother was more important than her annoyance at Searrs and the decision appeared almost clandestine. She'd already been making arrangements and it was where all the people she cared about were because Alyssa would be there now too, because all the material was still sitting in her childhood home on the island. Back in that house, she threw herself into HiME with the same fervor she did when she'd first discovered her mother's files. This time, she felt confident the information that had eluded her then actually existed. It had to if HiME was being resurrected.

The closing of those doors, the article by Takumi, Homura in jail, it was supposed to be an ending. Yet new cryptic and unsubstantiated whispers were stealing her sleep again, somehow building on themselves months later…the worst of which were about her mother. It was all slamming around inside her head with a strength that fed her tendency to dissociate in such situations. She suspected it might be Smith behind it because he always seemed to be. Smith, who had taken her investigation, her commitment to finding the truth of what happened to her mother, taken her revenge and turned it into something she found little satisfaction in. The guilt she felt at the thoughts that now plagued her, it was consuming. That these horrible things being said, that she was validating them with consideration… it was so deeply disheartening. She wished she could believe that if Smith hadn't cast doubt where it was most painful…she would be fulfilled, wouldn't have even entertained these ideas, but she was too suspicious of simplicity.

Sakomizu had been right to question. Why was Smith there at all? Why tell her the things he had? Why were there so many articles and conspiracy theories still cropping up? What was feeding all of it? The things that remained were the questions that only those involved or those that were gone could answer. They were questions of intent or motivation, questions whose answers were singularly experiential and so could never be proven lie or truth…when or if they were ever offered up.

She rose gingerly after she sent the text. She dressed in near silence and darkness after the reply, collected the two vials, wrote a note in another room, and left it in her stead on a rapidly cooling pillow. Her bike was walked down the road for significantly longer than needed because she was sneaking away now, wasn't she? Even if she'd done this a million times before Shizuru…it was different.

There was a touch of anger, a twinge of self-loathing at that the thought she'd ever believed even for a second making Homura pay would fix everything…as if anything could erase it. Maybe she was an idiot from the start.

Hands twisted the handlebars automatically, more speed… faster around the bend. Abandoned roads and black skies and winding curves and the feel of her bike beneath her… these things made her forget a little. The wind whipped at her, pulling bits of her mental burden away like grains of sand. It was racing air that muted the noise of the world, of her mind, made its own instead. Physically she could feel herself relaxing as she flew along the pavement that wrapped like a snake over these cliffs. There was still something unmatched, irreplaceable in the way she felt atop her motorcycle, body hunched and nearly melding with the machine, as though she were a machine herself, body adjusting automatically. Joined together, they were a knife…sharp and precise and cutting through the night. It never lasted though, that blissful state of robotic response. Spinning and arrhythmic wonderings would inevitably force their way once again to the forefront of her mind. Annoyance took her as she neared a particular bend because of how badly she wanted to simply drive past, but she could not…had never been able to.

She slowed, stopped, and then pulled her helmet away, shaking her hair out. The stars showed faintly between hastily gliding patches of inky cloud cover. The ocean still crashed below her, waves curling and breaking against the rocks as they always did on such breezy, autumn evenings. Everything was still exactly as it had been, as it was in her nightmares…unchanged by anything that had happened.

Sighing, she placed her helmet on the bike, lifting a bundle from the storage compartment where it had been laying, wrapped in an old hooded sweater for cushioning. One of the two small vials reflected a touch of moonlight. It looked as though it contained nothing but water and a bit of agar at the bottom, clear and unassuming. The other looked black and shining and thick in the darkness and made her ashamed to even look at. Closing her eyes, she slipped gloves off one at a time, careful with the glass tubes, wanting to feel them in her hand for no reason she could define.

The incessant lapping and sloshing of the water below nipped at her attention as green eyes stared at the objects held in her palm. Some irrational part of her mind thought the sea was making these sounds on purpose. The ocean was reminding her of its presence, asking to have this last piece of her mother. She did nothing as yellow headlights rolled over her, kept her head turned away so she did not need to squint. Natsuki did not approach the vehicle as it stopped either or say anything to the man as he walked toward her. His eyes, smaller behind his glasses fell to the same place hers still rested. He sniffled slightly, breaking their silence. _His allergies no doubt._ She wondered briefly if they were getting worse with age, ignored the touch of sadness it pulled from her.

"It's late Natsuki," He said tiredly, and she glanced down briefly…feeling somewhat guilty for waking him. "Do you know what they are?" He asked after another silent moment.

The one that looked clear was familiar to him. "I know what it's supposed to be." She answered. "It's probably from Homura."

His eyes were on her and she knew that he was worrying, attempting to understand what she would not say. Looking down, his eyes fixed on the second of the glass tubes warily. He immediately knew it to be a vial of blood, knew what it meant…what she now feared.

"More than likely." He agreed, removing glasses to clean them roughly on his crumpled shirt, trying not to react too strongly to what he'd seen.

"It could be bullshit." She didn't believe that though, but was that because she didn't want to or because she saw no reason to? It could be one of the failed strains, a final and cruel joke, or it could be everything her mother worked for. Was the risk in continuing to pursue it reasonable? _Reasonable_. Did that word even apply anymore?

A heavy sigh broke from him. "It very well could be. I certainly wouldn't put it past him."

She felt her muscles tightening. Homura or Smith? Did either know she'd have so much trouble leaving this be? Was Homura laughing at her from some jail cell? Was Smith waiting for her to do god only knows what with it? Or was he just seeing if he could truly make her lose all faith in her mother? What purpose could that possibly serve? And why send it to Tate and not her directly? None of it made any sense, seemed so random.

Her eyes flickered his way. She could see him hesitating and knew he was struggling with many of the same questions she was. Her eyes clenched shut. "Saeko wouldn't…"

"Take it, Sakomizu." The words out of her mouth, interrupting him, before she realized even it, pushing the clear vial toward him. And her mother's name, the sound of it, her fingers curled around the other vial protectively, automatically. Her mother's name. God, it was still an overwhelming ache. She could almost feel the characters etched on her wrist pulse, like every cell in her body knew the word.

He walked up, opening his mouth to speak, but thought the better of it, patted her shoulder and it relaxed a little, one inch of tension lost. A pregnant pause, before he reached out. Her hand brushed his briefly as he took the offered vial from her palm.

She turned away from him then, stared out into the night, chest swelling, and then hurled the other vial into the vast and restless dark below them.

"Natsuki,"

"Do what you think with it." Was her response, as she stared, the wind pulling at her hair, annoyed at the sting in the corners of her eyes. Sighing, he tucked it away into his pocket, knowing arguing was futile, unsure what he would say anyway, what he felt.

She listened to his footsteps as they shuffled toward the car, listened to the sounds of his tires as he left. Both of them here this many years later, the vial she'd almost given him, she felt saturated with disappointment, alone and small.

Hands jammed into pockets against a sudden chill as she mounted her bike. Before putting her gloves and helmet back on, she checked her phone to see the time… 1:43 am, a missed call, and a voicemail. _Shizuru_. Another name that her skin seemed to know. That usually melodic voice carried a strained quality when it started to play, sleep and worry, and an attempt to hide both. A bit of joking wove itself between serious words and she was still as she listened to her lover speaking, felt a pang of yearning for that curving mouth and those reddish-brown eyes. A beat of silence at the end, a wish that she be safe, and then three words that had only recently been spoken between them.

 _Her and Shizuru_ … at first, their happiness, how tightly it wrapped around them, how much of it spoke to pieces of her that felt broken…it was so easy to believe in a happy ending. Her leaving at night hadn't been an issue because they were both busy and didn't live together. She could still vanish on the occasions she felt she needed to, whenever they weren't together…whenever she wanted without guilt, without having to face what it meant. At the beginning, it was the same arrangement she'd imposed with Tate, the separateness that she clung to. They just kept getting closer though and even if they didn't live together still, now it was a rare night where they didn't see one another at all. Her remaining secrets, they were starting to squeeze unwelcome into their shared bubble. That two so opposite desires could live inside her at the same time, was frustrating and painful. That she could feel justified enough to keep disappearing for hours and hate herself for it…it was pulling her apart. It was probably only a matter of time before it started to pull them apart.

What she had always wanted was for Shizuru and this obsession never to meet each other. She didn't generally allow for it to meet anyone who it didn't already live inside. Takumi and Alyssa only knew what they knew by necessity. Her sister had ties to Searrs, to her, to the whole mess that couldn't be ignored…and it felt even worse to imagine she'd let Alyssa go work for him without ever having at least an idea that there was an underbelly to the business. Takumi had to know enough for the article. Mai and Nao knew what they knew from bits and pieces cobbled together over the years, things she's said accidentally or been pressed into.

None of them knew her whole story. They all knew enough. Natsuki saw no reason to ever tell someone that much, to ever trust another person that deeply, to freely offer information she considered her own. Shizuru's ties to HiME were much more superficial, didn't connect back to the history of it all. She didn't need to know…didn't need to be involved…at least that was her defense last year.

Her heart now twisted in her chest, so much so that she felt nauseous…beliefs she'd never doubted turning on end. She'd never felt beholden to another person the way she did Shizuru… and it was terrorizing the part of her that idolized autonomy. Nonetheless, it was clear to her, clear as it had been the night they'd first kissed, that she wanted their 'us'… and did that mean she had to tell her everything? This entire part of her world, HiME, and the totality of what it meant, how much of her life was tied to it… Shizuru knew very little outside of what everyone else now did. Natsuki had, in typical fashion, kept things that way, had left information out or not answered questions, let Shizuru believe in simpler explanations or none at all…for her tiredness, for her return to Fuuka island, for her disappearing at night.

HiME was her madness, and the bare truth of it, when justifications were torn away, was that Natsuki didn't want her to see it. She wanted them apart…those two parts of her life, wanted what she had with Shizuru to exist outside of it… maybe in spite of it. She'd even naively convinced herself it wouldn't be a problem when they first got together… that it was all going to finally fade away because Homura was gone. She thought she could handle whatever was left…but she wasn't handling it and what remained was almost worse. She really was an idiot.

The budding recognition that she would have to show at least some of it to Shizuru was sitting untouched inside her like some great, heavy stone… and ignoring it was becoming a losing battle. The doubt, the questions… she couldn't keep chasing this. She had to find a way to trust the mother she remembered, to build a life where this did not consume her, and those three words that she and Shizuru shared now and then…she wanted to be able to say them without the weight of the secrets she couldn't seem to kill, without the weight of everything in the room that Shizuru had never seen.

**Epilogue #7: Sagisawa Yohko  
** **Date: October 11** **th** **, 2014… a Saturday**

Yohko was sitting in a beach chair, legs drawn up, oversized sunglasses perched on her nose feeling only mildly uncomfortable given how hungover she was. With her straw, she swirled a drink and tried to ignore Midori's ridiculous grin. The sun felt wonderful on her skin, warm and relaxing and just shy of enough to completely erase the aching from last night's fun. It wasn't her fault the bartender and she got along well, that they'd shared another drink or three last night. This was supposed to be a vacation, she planned to enjoy herself. So what if she couldn't understand half of what the woman had said to her last night? They'd done fine with what she knew. She'd learned enough for most conversations she intended to have in the resort casino they'd decided to stay in, for what they'd gotten up to after last call. Certain things were the same in any language.

"I leave you alone for two hours last night!" Yohko did not comment, reclining further, refusing to be baited. "Do I even wanna know why that bartender keeps looking at you?"

"Hmm." She glanced over at the gentleman polishing the glasses. He was the very same gentleman who witnessed her and the other bartender sneak off together the night before, covered for the woman. Gazing back, he gave her a raised eyebrow and a knowing look.

Her friend was having none of it. "Stop it! You know he does."

Yohko did know, but in this weather and with work so far away, she was experiencing an extreme deficit of caring. "Let him look, I'm on vacation."

Mischief pulled the corner of her friend's mouth to a smirk. "And the drink service, so impressively attentive all day."

"Take mine and relax."

In a pretend huff, her friend plucked the fruity drink from her grasp and rested back in the adjacent chair. "You get to have all the fun."

"I'm not sure your husband is gonna stay amenable to girls' trips with comments like that." Yohko chastised lightly, knowing her friend wasn't really serious.

Midori laughed. "I can't see where that would be a problem since you aren't gonna tell him I said it."

Just as she finished her sentence, another freshly made margarita slid onto the side table between their loungers. "I just might tell him if you ruin my drink with whatever else you were gonna say. Now hush." As Yohko reached over to take the cool glass in her hand, she gave her friend a very pointed look.

It was hand-delivered by the second of the two bartenders, a woman with the largest, loveliest brown eyes she'd ever seen, replete with a definitively alluring lack of yearning. It was a perfect situation really…built-in understanding that nothing could possibly come of whatever happened. There was also the fact that she hadn't encountered another woman who was a possibility since Shizuru…and it was really, highly enjoyable to experience that again.

With Midori finally silent and the heat of late afternoon making her sleepy, she decided she might just let herself succumb to a nap before the two of them hit the blackjack table in a few hours. It had been the main purpose of this trip, besides some quality friend time. Midori loved to gamble and some of her favorite memories of trips such as these, revolved around watching her best friend indulge her talent for it. Midori was uncommonly lucky and uncommonly theatric about it and for both reasons, Yohko seldom played directly against her friend in any games of chance. She dabbled alongside her now and then, but they were worlds apart in their comfort with financial risk. Besides which, the dreamlike atmosphere Midori was able to create through force of personality and a bit of drama… it was almost like chasing the edges of celebrity by the end of their outings. It was much more fun to sit back, dipping in and out of the gathering crowd, in and out of the experience as she pleased.

"One question." Her red-headed friend's voice broke into the settling calm.

"What's that?"

"Was it good?" She knew her smile was answer enough.

Shifting eyes hidden beneath sunglasses toward the female bartender as she leaned over to polish the bar top, she acknowledged a second time wouldn't hurt anything. Maybe she'd grab another late-night drink when Midori's crowd became large enough.

**Epilogue #8: Yuuki Nao  
** **Date: November 1** **st** **, 2014… a Saturday**

That stupid man. Nao paced, naked, seething, and flushed. He'd kissed her… softly… _terrible_ … tenderly… _even fucking worse_. She felt her lip curling. Strong arms had wrapped around her. Goddamn Takeda Masashi, didn't he know what this was? Didn't he get it? Those thick fingers, lightly calloused, squeezing her, something he apparently was stupid enough to let himself feel oozing out all over her unready skin. It was instantly too much.

Snatching her cigarettes and throwing on a robe, she stalked out to her balcony, lighting one with hands that shook annoyingly. She hated that when she mustered the emotion to get wholly enraged, it made her tremble like a leaf.

"Asshole." She murmured the word through smoke, closing her eyes. Gathering her control, concentrating it in fingers that played with the cross around her neck. The crisp evening air made her cold even with the heat she felt.

He cuddled…no… correction…he _fucking tried_ to cuddle with her. He really was that much of an idiot. He'd managed to fog crystal clear.

She sat, slouching with legs crossed, bared ankle twitching agitatedly as she took in another drag. Two full cigarettes worth of annoyance it took, temperature biting at her…to clear her mind, to jam down the incongruous and thoroughly unwelcome tickle of guilt she had no intention of analyzing. Their situation was explained to him in both words and deed…and maybe he was just that dense. Even in their entirely transactional relations, his understanding of male-female interaction was so conventional that he really believed wrapping her in his arms after she destroyed him was a sensible course of action.

Her eyes rolled back in her skull and her neck cracked lightly as a faint sound caught her attention. Her phone, from the bedroom. She couldn't be bothered to answer it…whoever it was could wait. All she wanted was a mindless night where she could forget for one second that she'd somehow agreed to help Kuga's younger sister navigate a cutthroat world she had no business being a part of in the first place. Negotiation, politics, money, status… she didn't care about any of those bullshit things, and how the hell was she was qualified to help anyone, let alone someone like that girl? She was no guide and how protective she felt was completely unwelcome. Alyssa's administrative assistant…she'd stopped going to school to do it, which was fine with her because college was still as boring as ever. She had a damn title…and the money felt almost wrong, like being bankrolled to hang out. It wouldn't leave her head and she'd kept going to see the nun, had the stupidest thought that some of that goodness might rub off on her accidentally. God, what the hell had she gotten herself into? Takeda fucking Masashi had one role to play, was supposed to give her two seconds to breathe and he fucking blew it.

An arm was draped over the balcony to flick away her ashes, as she opened her eyes. And there he was, staring up at her from the street, as if the mention of the depth of his idiocy had summoned him back, phone against his ear and a single rose in his hand.

Takeda Masashi…perfect spirit animal for socially inept masochists everywhere.

She was so stunned that it took her a moment to react in any way other than the widening of fire-filled eyes. She came back to herself, flipped him off, and walked back inside. She couldn't even seethe in peace with that man.

An absolute fucking idiot.

**Epilogue #9: Takeda Masashi  
** **Date: November 3** **rd** **, 2014…a Monday**

It was mid-way through his shift, and Masashi was sitting in the glass stairwell on the west corner of SEARRS inpatient building. He was reading a book about three men who'd climbed K2, one of whom had died trying. It made him wonder if Yuuichi would be up to hike again, made him miss the mountains despite the morbid subject matter. They'd been hanging out more and his friend was even taking on some of the junior classes at his dojo, which was helpful.

He liked quiet spaces…the mountains, this stairwell, practicing in the dojo when no one else was there…and he liked the orange light of sunsets. He didn't always watch them, but he liked to be able to look over at them, liked to see the glow on his hands or the page of a book. He had a beeper at his waist, which had been silent for a full hour now. The entire hospital was quiet tonight. He liked this book as well, but his mind kept wandering back to two nights ago. He'd let her do it to him again, four times now and every time was weird and almost violent and demeaning and hot as hell. She was definitely crazy, that he was sure of. He was crazy for sleeping with her again, that he was sure of too, even more sure that he was crazy for worrying about her. He tried to hold her after this last time because he just wanted to. She'd rolled her eyes, shoving him not only off her but off the bed completely. That murderous glare from the balcony when he tried to make amends, it was completely terrifying. At least he knew now that she didn't like roses.

She was just not a normal girl and he was nothing to her. It bothered him and it didn't. All of that aside, he didn't know why he couldn't stop thinking about her. It was a strange sort of relief every time she texted him, that she was still there. Maybe because she seemed so changeable, so disconnected from everything, as if she could simply slip away forever at any moment.

 _And what was he even thinking?_ He shook his head and went back to reading.

There was nothing to be done about it now anyway, nothing to do but wait and see if she appeared again.

**Epilogue #10: Sakomizu Kaiji  
** **Date: November 14** **th** **, 2014… a Friday**

Kaiji was watching from the window beside the round table in his kitchen. He figured that tonight they'd be sitting there because Natsuki had told him that she was going to 'bring someone by'. He had not expected it to be that anesthesiologist who exited the passenger side door.

Clearly, he'd been wrong to assume that it was anything to do with Natsuki's personal life. He knew of Fujino-san, that she had been involved with HiME and was in Homura's research group. Seeing her step out of that car, he felt foolish for the wine and halibut he'd gone out to buy hours earlier. His trying to make this into something like a real dinner, would that be strange now? They'd still need to eat, wouldn't they? He was also a bit disappointed because he had hoped against hope that Natsuki would finally leave HiME alone, that her throwing the other vial into the sea was a new beginning. He was a realist though and in his heart, he'd known that things were unlikely to be so simple. Not with how deep her scars ran.

He hadn't been able to bring himself to touch the HiME vial she'd given him...had put it deep in the storage area at work. With any luck, she wouldn't ask about it and he wouldn't have to explain his hesitation. A knock at the door knocked him from his thoughts.

"Hey." She said, gazing at him with her typical straight-set frown. He smiled at her and stepped aside to allow them both in. They shared a quick hug and he gave a nod toward the newcomer.

Natsuki paused and he noticed that she seemed uncharacteristically anxious. "This is Fujino Shizuru."

He stood a bit straighter, sniffled lightly against the itch in his nose. "Fujino-san, yes. I've seen you around the research building I think?"

"Yes, my office used to be in that building and I do believe we saw one another in passing. It's a pleasure to meet you formally, Sakomizu-han." Though she spoke congenially, the woman seemed much more reserved than he remembered from his limited encounters with her, but he'd also never much spoken to her.

Natsuki, for her part, immediately took a seat at the infamous table after watching their interaction. Somewhat stiffly, the other woman followed suit. His mind darted about. Unused to other company joining them in such discussions, it suddenly became fixated on whether the wine he'd bought should be offered now or with dinner…if it was appropriate to offer at all. He also had to admit that there was an ominous feeling, some indefinable spot of pressure chasing the two of them. Whatever new bit of HiME information they'd uncovered, must not have been very pleasant.

"Do you want anything to drink?" He asked, deciding _he at least_ wanted a glass now. "Some wine or something?"

Natsuki seemed slightly puzzled, likely because they'd never drank during HiME discussions, or at his house at all really. It was too late now though, he'd already said it.

"Sure, okay." She replied, brow furrowed.

"Fujino-san?" He asked, looking over his falling frames at her.

She glanced at him, smiling more with her mouth than her eyes. "That would be lovely."

He hastily poured three glasses of the white wine he'd bought, hoping it would taste alright because he didn't really know much about wine except that Natsuki ordered it sometimes when they had their dinners. He wasn't much of a drinker himself, but the woman at the store had told him it would go well with fish. He divided the bottle between the three pieces of stemware, which worked pretty well because it nearly filled them with…he read the label…Sauvignon Blanc.

There was the slightest glimpse of surprise on Fujino-san's face when he very carefully placed the brimming glass down in front of her, and he wondered if he was supposed to let it 'breathe' first or something. The word was suddenly biting at him as having some connection to wine.

She made no comment to explain her initial reaction as it quickly melted into a smile. "Ookini."

He gave her another nod and a small smile of his own, trying to hide that tickling skosh of self-consciousness, then carefully walked his and Natsuki's pour over. Watching for any detectable shock there was fruitless because she didn't seem to be paying any attention to the glass. He noticed, as he sat down, that the dark-haired girl was staring fixedly at the other woman with a curiously concerned expression. Fujino-san, for her part, was now staring out of the window, distractedly following the stem of her wineglass with her fingers. He decided that she must be nervous or something, which was maybe to be expected. Kaiji knew things had gone rather badly for the research team when everything erupted with Homura. It stood to reason that Fujino-san had been caught in the middle of it to some degree. The wheels in his mind began turning, wondering if some fragment of the HiME saga was plaguing her now too. It was disappointing that Saeko's legacy had turned to something that seemed to taint everyone it touched. It was never supposed to be that way.

Attempting to settle himself for the coming discussion, he scooted his chair in. The resultant ear-splitting scrape across the linoleum made his teeth hurt… made him wince in undo humiliation. Fujino-san and Natsuki both turned, startled and he cleared his throat.

"How are things with your research, Sakomizu-han?" The anesthesiologist asked a second later, recovering herself and he was thankful for the conversational guidance.

"It's going well." He answered, feeling a little more confident at having been provided with an opportunity to talk about something he knew. "I'm with the innovations team now."

"I would imagine you see quite the variety of fascinating projects working with innovations. Are you finding the work to your liking?" She seemed genuinely interested, and his comfort rose.

"It's a good change. It's been a lot of neuro lately. Dementia and Alzheimer's projects…some new interesting ideas for dissolving protein deposits, but there're also some exciting proposals revolving around micro-robotics."

"How interesting. It seems a good deal of research is angling in that direction." She said, her eyes leaving his and traveling to the other woman. "…or AI."

"Yes, it's definitely where things are going. This is something they're calling 'nanomachines'…years away probably, but still remarkable. Plenty of grant support anyway." He agreed quickly, before glancing over to the other side of the table…questioning the silence too.

Mystery solved because the girl was thoroughly distracted by trying to figure out what was in the oven. She must've been hungry. It instantly brought back memories of her as a pre-teen hovering around the kitchen whenever he cooked, feigning disinterest. She always did have quite an appetite for such a slender person.

"Ten more minutes." He said. "It's halibut. There's rice in the steamer and some vegetables roasting." She gazed at him with a little color coming to her cheeks, and then at Fujino-san…whose face now showed a small amount of amusement. He wondered if he'd embarrassed her accidentally.

An awkward silence descended upon them in the wake of his comment and they all took a sip from their glasses.

"So, what've you found out, Natsuki?" He asked, breaking a quiet that felt oddly tense. He took his eyeglasses off to polish them on his sleeve because he'd made sure to tuck in his shirt.

Green eyes flicked toward him, confused. "What do you mean?"

Pushing them back onto his face by the bridge, he spared a glance at her. "I'm guessing this HiME related since you brought Fujino-san." Both of them looked baffled. "You did…work on HiME?" He asked the woman cautiously.

"I did, yes. Briefly." She acknowledged, head tilting slowly as she shot her questioning gaze across the table.

"This isn't about HiME." Natsuki intervened, quietly and with the seriousness this table seemed to call for.

He hadn't the slightest inkling where this was going now. "Then what's on your mind?"

"Nothing." She said, looking at him expectantly, nervously and he was confused. "I just wanted you to meet Shizuru."

His eyes shifted toward the woman in question… _Shizuru_. He could tell by Fujino-san's hands and eyes that her discomfort was back and escalating. He had not a clue what to say. An idea was beginning to take shape, but it felt like a leap.

"Oh, yes, right. Because…" He started, trying to find her thread of thought, feeling stupid as soon as the words left his lips, feeling his throat tickle. Was he supposed to be assuming? Was that what she was saying to him? Was she with the other woman? He could feel the pressure start to build in his chest, had to clear his throat. It was almost a nervous tick at this point… and why did the clock on his wall sound so incredibly loud? Had it always been that loud?

"Because we're together, Sakomizu." She stated in that same sort of vaguely emotional, yet fully forceful way she'd spoken during the discussion about his heart attack.

He felt his eyes widening, and always in moments like this, he thought of Saeko. Natsuki was staring at him with her same eyes…intensity and the tiniest kernel of hurt starting to form and did she think he'd deny them in some way? There was nothing else for this, save one thing because Natsuki was everything left of Saeko and doing right by her, it had always been the way he tried to honor her mother. He smiled at the girl he'd known since she was a baby, the girl he'd done his best to help where he could. That green softened and the emotion they so rarely shared…it was there for him to see. _Good, that was good._ Compelled, he reached out and squeezed the top of her hand.

Swallowing against the dryness in his throat, he turned, noticing that Fujino-san seemed a world way, almost like a posed statue. She was trying so hard to seem calm and he felt badly for her. He gave a smile that he hoped wasn't too awkward to the woman he could just barely sense felt equally if not more awkward. "Well then, I'm happy you could come to dinner."

Relief smacked him when the words he chose, though not particularly moving, seemed to draw a smile from her mouth and eyes both. Fujino-san glanced from him to Natsuki and there was a look that passed between them. It was a look that told him something very different than how she'd looked at that boy all those years ago. He felt the squeeze of emotion starting again. That he would be a person Natsuki wanted to tell this to and in this way… _like family._

Uncomfortable with how much he felt, he stood, and that blasted chest tightness was back. "That fish should be ready now, I think."

He could hear them talking softly and he took his time plating the food. It was just as much to let them say whatever they needed as to collect himself. Their hands had touched, he noticed in his peripheral vision. Exhaling, he closed his eyes and let the smell of the food carry him away a bit. Tonight…he was just going to enjoy this dinner with Natsuki and the woman who she 'brought by'. He would make sure this was one of the few times that they didn't talk about HiME. It would be teaching her to change her oil or tend to plants…something that was theirs and not mired in conspiratorial tragedy.

Tomorrow, he knew he would go to the cemetery to share this news with Saeko. He always went to her when something big happened with her daughter. He'd bring fresh flowers and he'd tell her what he'd said and how he'd said it and hope that she would've approved.

**Epilogue #11: Kuga Natsuki  
** **Date: November 14** **th** **, 2014… a Friday**

It had gone well with Sakomizu she thought, but she'd made the mistake of asking Shizuru to go with her, before asking her how she felt about it. Once she'd asked, the other woman felt obligated even though she'd tried to explain that she could just tell him on her own. It wasn't that she wasn't happy to have her there, it was just that she felt badly it stressed Shizuru out to the extent it did. They'd both been so tense lately, which was probably her fault. She still hadn't found a way to deal with any of what was going on, to keep herself from sneaking out at night when she should be sleeping.

Her girlfriend had been talking with the both of them all through dinner though, seemed okay after Natsuki had finally been able to spit out the reason they were there at all. Then she'd been quiet the whole ride home, silent and staring out the car window. Honestly, she just assumed that Shizuru was coming down from it all. Because of her anxiousness before they went up, the entire time really…even if it lessened…Natsuki had decided to just let her be.

Her opinion on the judiciousness of that decision was rapidly changing. Shizuru had just slipped off her shoes and walked past her when they got back to her house without a single word. Duran had immediately stopped nibbling her fingertips and trotted after the woman. From the sounds she could already hear from the kitchen, Shizuru was making tea. She was overcome by exhaustion as it became very apparent that things were anything but okay.

"Would you like a cup?" It was asked as she walked in, without an upward glance, but politely as always…despite its relative flatness.

"You're upset," Natsuki remarked quietly, leaning on the wall beside the entryway and crossing her arms. It wasn't a question.

Reddish-brown eyes passed slowly over her face, but they did not hold anger. They held an unreadable mix of light and shadow, something that made her heart plunge inside her chest. Limbs tightening, she watched Shizuru making her tea unable to pick out a single thing she was thinking.

"Natsuki," Her name was a sigh really and the other woman sounded just as tired as she was. "I cannot help but wonder why Sakomizu-han would believe we'd come there to discuss HiME? It was over some time ago, was it not?" It was not said aggressively, but it struck her just the same.

The way she eyed Shizuru was response enough. In all the imagined scenarios that cascaded through her sleep-deprived mind, every consideration she'd given to how such a topic would even be broached while she raced along that ocean road, she'd not yet been able to find her beginning. The words would not come to her.

Arms were passing over a torso, hands holding elbows, a protective measure… her dog was pulling his ears back, looking from one to the other of them. Natsuki turned her gaze away from both, fingers playing at an earring and feeling sick again.

"Can I ask, where is it that you go at night?" The question drew her eyes back to a pair that would no longer meet hers.

That was at least something she could respond to. "The cliffs."

Eyebrows knit together, and even with that voice so incredibly quiet, it seemed to echo. "Does it soothe you? To be there?"

"No." It definitely did not soothe her, if anything it made her more agitated, but it was the place she was drawn to regardless. It was the place she'd always found herself when she could not be safe from her own mind.

Another strained, softly spoken question. "…are you unhappy with me, Natsuki?"

"Why would I take you to meet Sakomizu, if I wasn't happy?" She challenged, more forcefully than intended before dragging hands across her face. _God, the tension…_ but she'd made it, hadn't she? "Why do you always think it's you?" Was the closest she could come to verbalizing that.

"Kanin-na." Her eyes closed and when they opened were even farther away than before and an itchy fear, it was biting at the dark-haired woman's neck. Shizuru poured herself a cup of green tea, watching the steam curl. "Perhaps I am just being foolish." Their gazes met again after those words were spoken, both burning. "Or perhaps it is just that Sakomizu-han knows so much more of you and so casually."

"I don't know what to say to that." Even though it was the truth she knew from her lover's face, that the response stung…regretted it immediately. The panic was hot and scraping and just starting because Natsuki could feel the edges of what they'd built fraying in the swelling silence.

"Will you truly not tell me what it is that troubles you?" It was asked with such plain and uncharacteristic openness and that openness…it was what broke her open in turn.

She was too weary with herself to care about the few tears that escaped and forcing the first syllables past her lips, it was so much like a crumbling inside her and immediately after…when Shizuru stared at her with such naked concern. When she took her upstairs, opening the door to that room…it nearly broke her up all over again. The woman stopped after the first few steps, stock still and with eyes roaming, wide and unblinking, hands holding that steaming cup of tea…eyes grazing over the articles tacked to the wall, the piles of folders, pages and pages of notes, clippings, articles, protocols, textbooks on medicine and immunology and genetics, the whiteboards… Natsuki had never been more desperate to hide herself. She'd started already and what would be the purpose when her decision was already made? Instead, she sat in this place with her secrets gaping, plastered to the walls and lying scattered all around them as Shizuru took a careful seat on the floor as well, tucking legs beneath her…a little dog sitting between them, unable to choose.

It was painstakingly slow, laying out the story of HiME and her search for a truth she no longer was sure existed, while they sat with each other in this place. Her words failed her sometimes, she couldn't fully describe aspects of it, some thoughts too personal to weave in as she moved through something which in its entirety had been shared with no one, something that had always been hers alone.

She spoke quietly…of the coma…of her father…of this house… of finding the files and how it all started. She told her of England… of Kyoto… and of her motivations for returning…of so many nights spent in this room last year and years before…of reading until she could no longer see clearly …why she always seemed so tired at work …of sleeping in the on-call rooms to catch up…of her mother and Micronesia…of Yamada and Sakomizu and Searrs and Smith and the vials… of HiME 12 and HiME 18 and all the HiMEs she knew of in-between. She told her what she thought would happen after the article…what she was left with… of her fears…about her mother and herself and Alyssa. She told her of the articles and newspapers she'd read and collected since Takumi's was first published.

Shizuru said nearly nothing, listened intently, and occasionally asked a question… usually a clarification of some detail from their prior conversations, to find what was true in the things she thought she knew. There were singular moments, gut-wrenching ones in which Natsuki actually saw some illusion shatter in the depths of her lover's eyes. Never though, did Shizuru's gaze waver during the unfolding of her tale.

The most hurtful and hardest were the last things…when she told her about the vial of blood she had almost given to Sakomizu and why…when she told Shizuru something she only fully understood herself in having to put it to words…that with all that was being said of HiME, with all that had been said already, with all that had been done, whether Homura was in jail or not, the damage was done… whatever promise HiME held was yet another casualty in all this…it was unusable now, both it and her mother's name ruined. She did not have to say she felt responsible…she could tell Shizuru realized that.

When every bit that she could say was finally poured from inside her, they sat in the resultant stillness together for a spell of leaden minutes uncounted. A few stray tears escaped, and she paid no attention to them, but as they fell, her lover's hand crept across the floor and took hers. A thumb slid and passed over tendons which flexed as fingers curled. It was a tentative touch and the first they shared since they'd come home.

"What are you thinking?" Natsuki asked, wiping at her face with the cuff of a sleeve, even though she understood that in the context of tonight, it must've been a nearly impossible question.

Gently Shizuru shook her head, fingers squeezing her hand…expression as young, as vulnerable, as raw as their night in the nook more than one year ago. "Perhaps the only important thought I have, is that I wish I had known this then…"

Her eyes bored into the other woman's, gaze solemn. "I wouldn't have told you then." A heavy sigh. "It's not like you never asked about it." She added quietly before the other woman gave her a small heartache of a smile.

"Ookini, for telling me now." Those eyes, they gazed into hers with such kindness. It made her want to kiss Shizuru, to find some stronger point of physical connection. Those words didn't feel deserved at all. "Kanin-na, for tonight, I…"

"Don't apologize." The interruption was needed because she wouldn't allow her to take responsibility for something that so clearly wasn't her fault. "It needed to be said." Natsuki turned, put her other hand on a cheek, her stare softening even as she spoke quietly, seriously. "I love you, Shizuru." And then she placed a kiss on soft lips, while a whispered answer fell between them.

**Epilogue #12: Munakata Shiho  
** **Date: January 8** **th** **, 2015…a Thursday**

Shiho married a man who worshipped her, that nearly the only prerequisite she cared about in a partner any longer. She devoted a large proportion of her time to making sure that every aspect of her life she showed demonstrated her happiness. She made sure all the pictures she posted on social media, anything she posted at all, screamed to the world how wonderful she'd done for herself with her cheating boyfriend out of the picture. The photos of her engagement, her wedding, her baby… they were gorgeous, professionally done, and sent exactly the message she wanted to anyone who would check in on her.

And Kuga Natsuki's life now? With a woman because her first boyfriend was just too terrible? It was laughable in comparison. She'd seen the two of them together in passing around the island, quite a few times now. Every time she did, she snapped a stealthy picture and texted it to Yuuichi with some choice words. He never responded, but it still felt like a bit of revenge on both of them, just like her new marriage and her beautiful child and her second on the way do.

Whether she is truly as happy as she wants to portray is ultimately irrelevant, because Shiho is certain she's happier than they will ever be and that's all that matters to her.

**Epilogue #13: Senoh Aoi  
** **Date: February 20** **th** **, 2015…a Friday**

Aoi was pleasantly surprised really, that her and Chie's invitation to Shizuru to 'bring whoever' was well and truly becoming a reality. It was an invitation that had stood for so long as to enter the realm of a running joke. Tonight though, Shizuru had brought Kuga-san over, and Chie had spent the hour before their arrival scheming ways to get the two of them to spill their secrets. What secrets her love thought they'd be able to pry out of them and how, she wasn't entirely sure. She was just happy to be having a double date. There was definitely some nervousness because she wasn't sure what they'd talk about with Kuga-san, but it was only a little nervousness. The other two times they'd spoken with her had not gone poorly...they just didn't really provide any answers as to where was best to go with her. She had no doubt it would be an interesting night regardless. It was supposed to be a 'no kid' night too, but her mom had called earlier, reminding her that she could only keep Keiko until 8 pm. Aoi had forgotten it was riichi mahjong night and that was definitely not to be moved.

They'd arrived awhile ago, had a meal together and in a more intimate group, she found Kuga-san, who had asked to be called by her first name toward the end of the meal, easy enough to talk to, even if she was miles away from an open book. The four of them were now in the kitchen, chatting around their high-top counter. Their chunky cat had taken an instant and unusual liking to Kuga-san and was circling restlessly around the legs of the stool mewing periodically. The woman would glance down each time this happened, a barely detectable smile on her lips. Occasionally she would lean down to give a scratch. Surprisingly their moody cat hadn't once swatted at her. The dark-haired woman might just be an animal person, she decided.

"So, how's Alyssa doing Natsuki-san?" Aoi asked, honestly curious. She could see Chie observing the woman carefully, trying not to be too obvious about it.

"Good." Was the rather short answer, delivered with a bluntness that seemed at this point, to just be how the woman spoke. "She started university last semester."

"Mm, what's she studying?" She'd wondered if the girl had really decided to stay the course in going to business school. The decision had surprised her and made her a bit sad at the same time, someone with talent like that.

"Business." The woman confirmed, and it was difficult to tell how she felt about it really.

"Is she still drawing much?" The art she was given by Alyssa still rested in the second drawer down of her desk at school, where she kept all such gifts.

"She wasn't for a while, but lately a little more." That was a bit easier to glean some information from and it seemed that they felt very much the same about it.

"I bet she just needed to settle in. The first year is always an adjustment." She said cheerfully and Natsuki-san sent her a small smile while maintaining persistent eye contact…another thing which seemed to mean nothing in particular.

There was a forcefulness in her stare that she recognized from their high school days…what little she'd seen of her back then anyway. Aoi had to admit, she felt a tickle of intimidation, a need to look away now and then. Yohko seemed to have been right too, that Shizuru didn't notice it in the slightest. In fact, she seemed untroubled, pleased even whenever those powerfully green eyes turned on her.

"And how are your students this year?" Their friend asked.

There was excitement for her in answering that question. "I think I'll probably have them do that same project I started last year. It went so well before!"

Her love touched her wrist softly, admiration in her smile. "It was a good idea. She had them create their own worlds. You must've seen some of your sister's assignments?"

"Yeah, she showed me some." The woman acknowledged, looking legitimately happy about it. If anything was obvious from their conversation so far, it was Natsuki-san's affection for her sister.

"They were quite impressive," Shizuru added.

In the lull that came then, Chie and their friend began bantering happily back and forth, while the other woman silently observed the two of them. It seemed like a good time to get dessert ready and Aoi went over to the fridge. Grabbing those chocolate tarts she'd gotten from Mai's shop, she began arranging them on a plate. They'd really hit it off with Mai after the beach party. They all went out together sometimes and visited her shop too because Keiko-chan loved the bentos and Reito's funny younger sister just about equally.

"Are those from Mai's place?" Her love remarked enthusiastically when she placed the charger of desserts on the counter. There was definite interest from Natsuki-san in those, and she couldn't help her grin. Apparently, Shizuru couldn't either.

"Yup!"

"We better have our share before Keiko-chan gets back." That was absolutely the truth.

"Will she be home soon, I wonder? It has been some time since I've last seen her." Their friend asked, happily.

Slicing one of the small tarts into pieces, Chie answered. "Another half-hour. Aoi's mom is dropping her off."

"Did Keiko-chan not recently have a birthday?" With a nod, Aoi smiled at the memories of her party a week or so back. "I will need to apologize for not having sent her wishes sooner then."

"She'll just be excited to see you. That'll be enough for her." Her love's words were all wryness, and she didn't disagree. Their daughter seemed to feel about Shizuru, much like she'd felt about her coolest Aunt…marriage plans aside.

"Did your daughter draw that?" Natsuki-san was pointing toward a drawing done in orange marker, which was displayed very prominently on the fridge, a glittery purple frame and some silver stars now surrounding it…hard to miss. There was a way too pleased smile from next to her, and she had trouble containing her own, had to cover her mouth as a giggle bubbled up. Shizuru, for her part, unexpectedly had the tiniest trace of color on her cheeks, as she eyed Chie. Green eyes passed over the three of them, confused. "What?"

"Sorry Natsuki-san, we meant to have the artist sign it. Better late than never, Shiz?"

"I hardly imagine that is necessary." It was as close to a real lament as she'd ever heard from the tawny-haired woman.

"Oh, but it's the cutest!" Aoi replied gently, giving Natsuki-san a wide smile because she had the distinct impression she'd enjoy this. They certainly had.

There was a definite smirk. " _You_ drew that?"

"She did. We think it's from her surrealistic period…a dragon," It was said with a playful glance over her glasses. "Speaks to you, doesn't it?"

"Ara, how very cruel you are, Chie." From the glint in Shizuru's eye, she was certain her love would definitely be owed some sort of revenge for this. She assumed it might come in the form of some clever zinger later, as good as she was with those.

For her part, Natsuki-san was making the most obvious expression she'd made all night, an eyebrow shooting up as her eyes nearly sparkled. She and Chie watched the exchange with keen interest. Tucking a bit of hair behind her ear, touching one of several earrings, the dark-haired woman stared at their friend, a curl coming to her lips as she pushed her tongue against the inside of her cheek briefly. "It's beautiful, Shizuru."

Her gaze was met with equal intensity, hand dangling in front of her mouth before she whispered… "ikezu."

"Penguin or walrus?" Chie asked, eyes still trained on the pair of them.

There was a light shrug. "If those are my options, penguin."

"Ha! Told you." Aoi gloated and pointed a finger at the short-haired woman triumphantly.

She and Chie both laughed when the section of tart that Natsuki-san was about to pop into her mouth was stolen away…at the indignant glare as their friend chewed away happily. "Oi!"

Eating another delicate little slice, her love shook her head. "Mm, god. These things are addictive."

Oh, they definitely were…and she'd have to thank Mai the next time they went, but thinking of her made Aoi wonder something. "Do you still see anyone else from high school Natsuki-san?"

Those eyes lifted from the rest of her chocolate tart, which she was now protecting, and met hers again with the same brazenness as before. They were really very pretty, up close.

"Besides Mai and Nao? Not really. Takeda Masashi but only because he works at the hospital."

What a coincidence. "That's so funny! He owns the kendo dojo we take our daughter to." Neither her nor Chie mentioned the rather infamous story they'd heard about Takeda and her back then.

"Hey, what about Tate Yuuichi? Weren't you guys close?" Her love asked curiously, picking at a bit more of the dessert. "He just started doing a couple of the kids' classes at Takeda-san's dojo."

There was a tilt of her head, a prick of curiosity and it was hard not to notice that Shizuru was watching Natsuki-san very carefully now. Aoi had no idea what the look they gave each other was about, or what the little nod that followed meant. There was no real facial reaction to the comment, except that she seemed suddenly serious again. "I don't see him."

She glanced away then and grabbed another piece of her tart, eying Shizuru sidelong as she quickly brought it to her lips, seeming to enjoy it, which earned her a smile. Aoi had to admit, they were fascinating to watch together. There was just something about the way they existed with each other, something that captured her attention. It was hard to explain or pinpoint, but she didn't really need to understand what was behind it, as long as they were enjoying it, which they seemed to be. However, she just could sense Chie getting all itchy over it.

"Oh! I heard Reito popped the question?!" It was a deliberate change of subject…to a topic she thought might suitably distract her love.

"He did, yes," Shizuru confirmed, smiling brightly.

"You knew he was going to, didn't you?" The question was posed, as the short-haired woman turned in her chair, getting comfortable.

A chin was rested on hands. "There is a rather remote possibility that I may have been asked to accompany him on a trip to a jewelry store."

"Mm and from that face, I'm guessing you knew too?" Green eyes shifted to the side. "That's a 'yes'," Chie confirmed.

"Kanin-na, but we were sworn to secrecy."

"That's so great!" Aoi declared cheerfully. It was a relief actually when he started dating Mai, because on more than one occasion before that, she and her love had discussed a lingering fear that maybe he really was waiting on Shizuru…as improbable as that seemed.

"It is rather lovely news, isn't it?" Their friend agreed.

Just then the door burst open and their daughter, with an excited scream, ran full force past them, and straight to Shizuru…much to Natsuki-san's alarm.

**Epilogue #14: Harada Chie  
** **Date: February 20** **th** **, 2015…a Friday**

She closed her eyes when lips pressed to the juncture of her neck and shoulder, a whisper against her ear. "Chie-chan, it's time to let it go, I think."

She was beside herself and that was an understatement, really. After a year's worth of subtle hints for a dinner date, not only did she still not know that much about their friend Fujino Shizuru, but the woman she was in love with was a complete mystery as well. She'd thought Shizuru was difficult to understand, but Kuga Natsuki was impossible to decipher. There was no gossip to be pulled from either of them, almost no information whatsoever. On top of that, they seemed to have developed some sort of coded communication system largely based on looks. It was impossible to know what was happening between them ninety percent of the time, only that they were both enjoying it.

Aoi's arms slipped around her waist, fingers hooking into the belt loops of her pants. Lips pressed to her shoulder a second time before a chin rested on top of it. She found herself paying a bit less attention to the pair in the living room. They'd stolen a few moments for themselves in the kitchen, while Keiko-chan talked Shizuru's ear off.

"They're vaults, Aoi. I just can't get in there."

A soft laugh tumbled from behind her. "I think they're just private people and so they have a quiet love. That's all."

She quirked her mouth to the side. "A quiet love, huh?" That was most definitely the art teacher in her partner speaking. _'A quiet love',_ she'd have to tell Shizuru that sometime, she'd probably appreciate the slightly poetic quality of it.

"I think it's sweet and Shizuru seems really happy."

"Mmm." She agreed, fingers passing along soft forearms. "Very true."

They watched as whatever was between the two women, broke apart when an unhappy eight-year-old climbed onto the couch, very deliberately closer to Shizuru. Their daughter was staring down the dark-haired woman, as she wiggled in further, laid her head against their friend. Kuga Natsuki was looking mildly annoyed and the smallest bit amused.

"Your daughter is not happy," Chie commented, leaning back a bit.

"Natsuki-san is stealing her future wife," Aoi answered quietly but with obvious delight, nuzzling before she processed something. "And why is she _my_ daughter all of the sudden?"

"Because that's _your_ jealous face."

"Is it?" She said playfully. "Hmm, I wonder why you know what that looks like?"

"No idea," Chie answered, feigning ignorance as she watched her daughter play with Shizuru's hand, take it hers, swing it a little for emphasis. "Keiko-chan seems to be staking her claim."

They watched as Natsuki-san said something neither of them could hear but drew frowns from both the listeners… one pretend and exaggerated, the other real. Whatever it was she'd said, she seemed quite proud of herself over it, smug even. Curious, they observed as Shizuru leaned in close to their daughter's ear and whispered something to the child, all while directing a rather concentrated gaze at the woman across from them. Kuga Natsuki's eyebrows were furrowing steadily, worriedly.

Her love whispered as well. "Looks like they're up to something."

"Without a doubt." Another second passed before their daughter leaped onto the dark-haired woman, launching a tickle attack that had her wriggling like a snake and all but yelping. Shizuru folded her hands, smiling brightly. It was very possible their friend would be in trouble for this later...maybe rightfully so. 

"Uh oh. Should we go help her?" Aoi laughed.

"Probably, but it kind of looked like she deserved it," Chie answered as she shook her head, turning it to place a kiss on her lover's lips before she reluctantly broke away to retrieve their child… not, however, before snapping a picture.

**Epilogue #15: Kikukawa Yukino  
** **Date: April 5** **th** **, 2015… a Sunday**

"I think they traded," Yukino commented, watching her little girl driving around a large plastic fire truck, which she crashed into a stuffed peapod she'd named Diana.

"What does he want with a doll?" Her eyes would not leave the boy as he hugged the baby to his chest, rocking back and forth such that its feet swung.

"He seems to like it."

"His father just bought him that truck." She nearly grumbled, and Yukino was again struck by the fact, that despite her eccentricities, it was really was nice to have her best friend so close now. To be able to have their children play together, to just sit and talk, was wonderful even if it occasionally stirred something long unaddressed. It only happened rarely…the latest being when she watched her friend reading to her own son, the gentle way she'd smiled down at him.

"Tell me about that new job offer Haruka-chan." It was a deliberate change of subject, but it seemed to work.

The blonde woman frowned, crossing her arms over her chest. "I don't know about that."

Tucking a bit of hair behind her ear, she watched her friend. "Why?"

"It's for a plastics group. More of an outpatient thing than I'm used to." There was a dismissiveness there. "Outpatient is less of a challenge."

"It's not interesting then?"

"It's closer, better hours, probably better pay, and less call, but I'm not going to take a job just because of that. Artemis just bought Aries. They're too new, Yukino. I don't trust them."

"Are they making unwelcome changes?" That happened sometimes when new management came in or structures changed. She'd certainly seen it quite a few times at the design firm.

"They haven't really done much yet, but who knows if they have any idea what they're doing. They're new to the game. No experience."

"I can see why you'd be concerned." It was a fair point and she'd be concerned as well, to enter into a relationship with a company she knew little about, but there was a distinct difference. From her conversations with Haruka, she understood Artemis to be more of a parent company, while the individual groups maintained a good amount of control over their day-to-day operations. It lessened the concern, and she was about to say so before her friend continued.

"Plus, they're just starting to build this group, so it's not established. I wouldn't even know who I was working with before I took it. People are talking at work too and saying that one of the surgeons they are trying to bring in is a real babbleax. Who knows what I'd be getting myself into?"

"Battleax, Haruka-chan." Yukino corrected automatically and she agreed less with that point. It took a moment to shape her response. It was an interesting development and she thought now more than ever that her friend should consider the position. It would be pointless to say, but she'd noticed a certain lack of enthusiasm in her friend's ranting about work as of late, ever since she left Fuuka…since she left Fujino-san. Maybe a rival wouldn't hurt things, because Haruka did like a challenge. "Isn't that always the case with a new job? And if anyone can stand up to someone with a strong personality, I think you could."

"I guess that's true." Her friend sighed, watching her son out of the corner of her eye as he placed the baby doll in Yukino's daughter's toy crib. "Maybe Tetsuo-chan could stand to have me around more. I don't know what they're teaching him at that daycare."

Considering whether or not it was prudent to say something, the brunette opted for a comment she felt was overall, fairly innocuous, but might plant a seed. "I think you worry too much about him, sometimes. He's okay, Haruka-chan."

"Do you see this?" He was rocking the crib and singing nonsense to the doll.

"Yes, but look at Nozomi-chan," Yukino answered, indicating her daughter, a rather small, generally shy child who was currently laying waste to all her stuffed animals with her new-found firetruck, a maniacal smile nearly splitting her face. It was almost disturbing.

She could see her friend acquiring that speculative expression she tended to when they spoke seriously. "Hmph." Was the only response.

"If you're really considering the idea of being home more, it might be worth exploring." Waiting patiently, she regarded her friend, curious to see if she'd pursue it.

The blonde took a sip of her water, thinking. "I guess it would be stupid not to at least meet with them." She reluctantly acquiesced.

**Epilogue #16: Tokiha Takumi  
** **Date: April 18** **th** **, 2015… a Saturday**

Even through a bit of a rocky patch, he felt confident that this was a good match. It was a single incident, but he'd made sure that they all got together a bunch of times to be certain…asked Akira to observe for anything off. No one ever suspected Akira. They spent a solid few months surveilling the man stealthily, or mostly he did while Akira listed to him de-brief himself after each session, offering occasional agreement or counterpoints. In any case, there weren't any more red flags. Mai and Reito seemed closer than ever… and he had even proposed a few months ago, in a suitably romantic fashion.

As a result, Takumi was now sitting in a bridal boutique feeling happier than he could remember in a long time. He and Natsuki were chitchatting about the last few dresses his sister had tried on, while she enjoyed a coffee and he sipped his mango smoothie. She wasn't impressed by any of them either…one was too flouncy, another just not the right cut, and still, another too revealing in her opinion. He thought the first was tipping toward tacky, the second was lackluster, and the third showed way more of his sister's chest than he ever needed to see. It seemed Natsuki and he had pretty similar taste. He had always liked her anyway.

"I saw some of Akira's stuff when I was at the shop awhile ago." She said suddenly changing the subject, while they waited.

He smiled at the thought. "He's so good, isn't he?" She nodded, giving him a grin back. "Are you getting some more work done?"

"No, but I need to go in for some touch-ups."

"I've been thinking about getting one. I think it would be nice, you know? To look at it and know it's his."

Nodding, she leaned back, crossing her leg at the thigh. "I get that."

"I was thinking maybe across my ribs." Watching her face, he saw a flicker of reaction, of concern. "What?"

Her laugh was a low airy sound before glancing at him. "It just can be painful. I had trouble with it."

Instantly his mind began to change. "Any suggestions?"

Studying him, she picked at the cardboard sleeve surrounding her hot cup. "I'd still get it there if that's where you want it…but your shoulder might be easier."

"Hmm." There was no reason he could think of it wouldn't look just as good there and he'd been working on his back anyway. "How are you and Shizuru-san doing?"

There was a tiny smile and a tinier blush. "We're good."

"…what do you think?" They both raised their eyes as Mai exited the dressing area.

Takumi was up in an instant, circling his sister. "Wow." It was perfect, the cut, the color… classic and at the same time not uninteresting and it fit her amazing well, thirty something clips in the back aside. It would be perfect after the alterations. They gushed together over various aspects of it, he and his sister… his sister who was getting married. He couldn't believe it and he was all teeth.

"I kinda feel like this is the one." Her blue-violet eyes shifted to her friend, who was simply watching them both and had yet to say a thing. "Mou, Natsuki…so quiet."

Her expression had morphed into one of the softest looks Takumi had ever seen on that oft somber face. "You look amazing, Mai."

"You think?" It was a nod as she stood, took in the dress, and then an absolutely real smile.

His sister flashed him a quick look that told him she was going to ask her the question now, so he quietly slipped away. He made sure he could still hear because it was okay to be nosey occasionally, he thought.

"Natsuki, I wanna ask you something." Mai sounded so nervous and it made him nervous in turn.

"What?"

"Would it be okay, if Yuuichi…"

"Invite him." The other woman said nearly immediately, barely at a volume that he could detect.

"Are you sure?"

"It's fine." She said quickly and he wondered if his sister's friend was upset. It couldn't be an easy situation. Then he heard the strangest noise, rustling fabric and an 'ooph' and he realized Mai must've hugged her.

"Jesus, how many clips are back there?" He heard the dark-haired girl murmur and laughed a bit, backed off to wander around.

"I want you to come to the ceremony too, Natsuki, ne?" It was said quietly and was the last thing he heard as he meandered away, letting them have that moment to themselves. It made him smile to himself as he walked the displays, Mai saying that, because it felt right, that he and Natsuki would be standing with her.

He paused for no reason he understood and glanced up. It was then he saw it…hanging there like destiny. It was something that had been on his mind since there was any talk at all of an actual wedding. His arms, his back, all the work he'd done on his body to feel normal, healthy… this vision of a garment felt the very culmination of all of it. Tokiha Takumi had always felt a little boy in daddy's clothes when he wore a suit, but there it was waiting for him and a tailor, the single most beautiful two-piece in the world. He felt stupid for the way his heart sped, but he couldn't help it.

"Mai! Natsuki! Come look at this!"

**Epilogue #17: Marguerite Tomoe  
** **Date: May 4** **th** **, 2015…a Monday**

She'd been a fool for too long. Tomoe had fully intended to revenge herself for that restraining order. She had wanted to ruin both of them, wanted her Sensei to beg for her return, intended to wait till she finished with that dark-haired homewrecker. She'd thought herself untouchable, had trusted in Shizuru so entirely that she never considered the woman might turn over her e-mails and keepsakes. It seemed so much like betrayal. She tried to explain it to her uncle…that it was all a misunderstanding, but he'd been unmoved, he had slapped her and though physically he was more powerful than Shizuru…it had not wounded her in the same way. Her uncle was the head of the family, her father was his younger brother, and the family followed him.

Her parents had been unable to make the restraining order go away. Her uncle had taken her brand-new car, which was annoying, but they had been able to use their sway to get her a job. Her uncle had set her up with some sham of a relationship… a man of course… dull and boring… but rich enough to keep her in the lifestyle to which she was accustomed. She had him get her a better car. She'd racked her brain trying to understand the other woman's actions, why that hound dog of a cop who looked so much like Armitage kept such a close watch on the situation. Tomoe was not stupid, and all of it had taught her one thing, that she had to be much more subtle… quieter… it couldn't be so out in the open.

Her true revelation came after starting her new job. She'd been clinging to their lie of a relationship, to a woman who was beneath her. Shizuru paled in comparison to the gorgeous plastic surgeon she worked, for now, was a failure of a person when placed beside this woman. Tomoe would do better for herself than Fujino Shizuru. She deserved someone who recognized her excellence, her better qualities. She'd decided to leave the other woman, to forget the thing between them and let Shizuru wallow in her own regrets when she finally tired of Kuga. The woman she worked for now, was a person of Tomoe's caliber, a person who truly matched her in all aspects. They were falling in love with each other, she could feel it, the woman looking her way, getting a drink at the exact same time. It had to be on purpose, there was no such thing as coincidence. It had to mean something.

In the end, it was obvious what the problem was. The problem was Shizuru. Shizuru had lied to her, had manipulated her, that she had been wrong about the caliber of person the woman was. Shizuru was completely and totally unworthy of her love, unworthy of anyone's love. She was a terrible, waste of a person. Shizuru didn't deserve her, she'd proven it with that restraining order, with her feigned ignorance, with her stupid obsession with Kuga. Shizuru was the biggest disappointment of her life, a sad little thing parading around as though she were on the level, and it took meeting someone who was actually respectable to understand that. Ahn Lu and her, they were destined and Shizuru was nothing but a bad taste in her mouth.

She was excited for Lu's upcoming meeting with Artemis, for the outcome of the new group they were building. She was confident that Lu would make sure she was taken care of in the arrangement.

**Epilogue #18: Kuga Duran  
** **Date: May 10** **th** **, 2015… a Sunday**

The woman who smelled like tea had her own place and his master took him there frequently now, most of the time actually. His master had put stuff in boxes again some time ago, which he wasn't pleased about, but it was only a few of them and they hadn't gone far. Just to the woman's house. It was a very different place than the house his master had, but it did have some good things. In the middle was a place with plants and a bit of grass and best of all, the most perfect spot to lay in the sun and sleep. Whatever stones and tiles were there got nice and warm, and he could stay out there for hours. When the weather wasn't so nice, he liked the indoor space too, the one with the curtain and the benches, slept there frequently. His master even came home sometimes for a short while in the middle of the day, to take him on a walk, which was productive. He had a lot of territory to claim in this new neighborhood.

There were only two things that were even remotely scary about the new place. The first scary thing was the door closing business that kept happening...when he was inexplicably locked out the bedroom…denied access when his master and the woman who smelled like tea were so very obviously in there. He had to give up trying after the third or fourth time it happened and decided he could live with it since he didn't have a choice and sometime later, he was always let back in. He'd started taking his indestructible toy to the living room when the door was shut, swinging it around as wildly and violently as he pleased, its many legs hitting his body as he thrashed it, frustration vented.

The second scary thing was thankfully a one-time event…when the giant noisy furniture-like thing he'd never seen before was delivered. It took a bunch of men and a long time to get it inside. There was a lot of banging and shouting and he wasn't allowed to bark at them, without his master giving him that look. Another man came after and messed with the thing a bunch until it made noises that he seemed happy with. Then the woman who smelled like tea came home and she seemed to think the thing was very nice, was obviously happy with his master over it…but then the door closing thing happened again. Now the thing lived in the house with them and only the woman who smelled like tea touched it. The noises she made with it though weren't scary at all, were nice even.

They still came back to the other home too and he was thinking that maybe both places were his now. He liked visiting his original space, which they did usually at least a few times a month and today they were all in the big room together. They seemed to gather in the big room a lot now, sometimes with the one who baked and the crazy girl and the new man. Today, it was his master and her sister, who were jamming on the weird plastic things and yelling sporadically at the television. It wasn't something he was particularly excited about, because he wasn't allowed to be as excited as they were when they played this game. He would be shooed away from the TV if he tried to join…he knew from experience.

The woman with the best lap was reading on the chair, but she was too scrunched up for him to join and wouldn't move for him anyway. The woman who smelled like tea was on the couch, working on a computer she'd balanced on the armrest. He decided that he would sit with her. Her legs would need to be moved over because the center couch spot was his. Tapping them lightly, she looked down at him, not understanding and not moving. He tapped them again with his paw and she tucked them beneath her, still watching him curiously as he hopped up, curled three times, and laid down beside her. Her lap looked pretty nice up close, and he made a decision, rested his head against it, closing his eyes for a nap. It turned out to be a very good lap, which he took note of for the future and she rubbed on his ears a bit while he drifted off.

**Epilogue #19: Alyssa Searrs  
** **Date: May 26** **th** **, 2015… a Tuesday**

"I think you made Katachi-san cry." The blonde commented, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, so as not to let it fall into the impressively large condiment mixture on her plate. She wasn't usually one to take pleasure in other's embarrassment, but the man was being an ass and kind of deserved it.

"He's an idiot."

"He's the head of publicity and marketing for the division!" She said around a laugh.

Nao shrugged, an attempt to cross her legs thwarted by the pencil skirt she was wearing. "What the hell do I care? He's still a fucking idiot."

Alyssa chuckled again, somewhat self-consciously. "I understand why my dad likes you."

"Oh yeah?"

"Definitely."

"How's school?"

"It's okay." At the skeptical glare she received, she gave a more real answer instead. "I dunno, it's a lot. I'm getting through it."

"So, what's the plan for this meeting?" The woman queried as she picked at her own food.

"It's definitely some sort of test for my negotiation skills. My dad is gonna listen in from London. I have to do a pre-meeting meeting with the Senior project manager to review the strategy. He'll listen to that too, I'm sure, make his notes."

"Your family's fucking weird."

A laugh met the pronouncement, and then she very maturely stuck her tongue out at the woman. "I know Artemis really wants to get into plastics, so they are trying really hard to pick up Lu for the new group…these are the bottom-line conditions my dad sent over. The senior advisors are going to lead the meeting, so I don't think they'll be much for you to do except look intimidating and disinterested." The blonde gave a toothy smile. "Maybe get a little snarky now and then."

Nao kicked the girl under the table lightly. "Glad we're playing to my strengths finally."

Alyssa kicked her back. "I think the 50/50 staffing provision is gonna be the main problem. Lu doesn't like it." Taking another bite of the burger, she leafed through her notes before pausing. "I usually hate them, but I'm kinda glad about it actually for this."

A finger was rested against the side of her face, as Nao sipped at her straw. "Yeah? Excited to see some people canned?"

"No!" The young woman sputtered, but then bobbed her head a little, waffling. "Well, maybe one."

Another sip at the straw. "Go on."

"…that girl who punched Nat."

"So, you're basically okay with making them get rid of half their existing group, to get back at the idiot who punched Kuga?" Narrowed, skeptical eyes were steadily watching from across the pile of fast food.

"It was in the agreement before I ever saw it, it's pretty standard." Nibbling on the end of fry, she gave the other woman a mischievous smirk. "Morality police over there."

A violent eye roll met the comment. "All I'm saying is I hope this job does fuck you up. This corporate shit will suck you in, kid. You're better than that."

Alyssa rested her head against her hand, elbow propped on the table, and purposefully disguising how much she appreciated that Nao would even say that. "Aww, are you worried about me?"

The woman was unusually serious as she frowned. "I know the pup is."

Alyssa frowned. "Yeah, I know."

This school year had been hard, especially the beginning of it, balancing her school with her duties in the company and spending enough time with everyone was hard. There were things about the business that she'd always known Nat would hate, things that she knew would be an adjustment for her, things they just couldn't talk about, most of which revolved around her dad. Growing up with her father…he was a very particular type of person and living with him, having him as a father… it had effects. It was an impossible thing to explain to either Nao or Nat. It was too difficult to put to words without it sounding like having him as a father had done something irreparably negative to her and she didn't think that was true. In many ways, she thought he was a good father, in others he probably wasn't… but she didn't think that made him tremendously different from most people's dads. One positive from his negatives was that she had a more intimate understanding of ambitious people, what high-level performance in business required of a person. All of that wasn't to say that some of it didn't scare her, for herself as much as him. She and Nat though, they were important to each other… they loved each other, and they'd find a way to figure it all out, a way to say what they needed to. She'd make sure of it, just like she'd make sure of it with her dad. It was unrealistic to think they'd see eye-to-eye on everything.

Besides, she had been really worried about her sister too for awhile… how distant she was when Alyssa had first started college in the Fall of last year, sad almost. Her sister was turtling hard and no one could make Nat talk about something if she really didn't want to, if she hadn't yet found what was at the core of it. They were similar that way. Nat had told her what she was able to…that some of it was HiME stuff still. She was worried for her though, and for Shizuru… for both of them.

Four months back, she'd gotten a text though that happily brought her sister back, apparently out of the shell and doing very-Nat type things in very Nat-type ways. That text had shocked her to the core. A single, incomplete sentence telling her she could have the upstairs room now. She'd never even so much as implied she wanted it and what would she use it for anyway? Curious, she'd taken a break from her economics essay to wander up there. She found the room nearly empty, the walls bare. Plastic tubs were set neatly in the far corner, which she assumed contained everything she was used to seeing scattered across this room. The only other thing there now was an assembled high-end drafting table with various obviously brand-new art products stacked on top. The HiME evidence locker, as she thought of it, was gone and in its place, a burgeoning art studio. Perhaps best of all, there was a note from Shizuru who, it seemed, had chosen some of the supplies. Shizuru, who had apparently been allowed in that room that no one else but she had ever seen.

She couldn't stop smiling about it and had spent the next few hours drawing for the first time since starting her studies…Duran sniffing for fresh pens to chew beneath her feet. She'd been in an amazing mood that night, despite the cramp in her hand. That was until she saw a half-crumpled trashy newspaper in the wastebasket on her way out, the headline. What could be done about that, she'd done.

The months that followed were also good and even though she really missed having her sister around as much, she was happy that her and Shizuru were pretty much living together now. It was good for them, she thought… natural. The get-togethers at the house on a pretty regular basis and the place to do her art were helping. It was comforting to have that while trying to learn all this stuff, keep herself real, and keep her head above water at school. Some of it took a lot out of her, kicked her around a bit… the dabbling in her dad's company. She'd only recently turned nineteen, but already she felt so many things her high school self had believed beginning to float away, the creative outlets she'd found which felt so very meaningful beginning to turn to hobbies, their viability fading with her mounting responsibilities. Thank god Nao was around… and though she wouldn't tell her so, because she thought it would freak her out, the woman had kinda become her best friend…had become one of a few people, who found ways to remind her not to take things too seriously, made her feel that it wasn't completely silly to believe that finding a place for her passions in this new stage of her life was important. Nao was so much smarter and deeper and nicer than she wanted to let anyone see...

A snap brought her back to reality. "Yo!"

"Sorry. Got lost in my head for a second." She could feel the blush scorching all the way to her ears.

Nao laughed, sending her a bit of side-eye. "You went on a fucking two-week vacation in your head there."

"Ha! What was I even saying? Oh!... Lu's leadership team and the Aries leadership team will need to decide together who is staying from Azurite's original group at Artai. They have till the end of the week and they finally found someone from Aries to head the anesthesiologists. She's apparently coming to this as part of their leadership team. I think this will be the first that they're all meeting each other, actually."

Nao was trying her best to seem interested and Alyssa realized she was getting too detailed. "Did you end up asking the Doc, see if she knew of anyone to poach?" She asked. That had been a really good suggestion actually and Nao had completely impressed her with it.

"I didn't need to. Resources found her on their own, guess they were courting her for a while and she finally decided to take the second offer."

She'd made plans with Shizuru on a Tuesday in honor of their former trading sessions, even after she found out the role was already filled. It was actually nicer that way, to just talk. The woman seemed so genuinely touched at the invitation that she'd blushed after asking. Shizuru and she had a great catch up session over an afternoon tea and delicious Japanese pastries. They'd gone together in the city with that beautiful car and they were most definitely going to do that again.

Nao nipped the end off of another French fry. "Not like I'll remember, but let me earn that paycheck. What's the name of whoever the hell they found?"

"Hold on, they finally sent it yesterday." Pulling her phone out, she scrolled through the messages trying to remember which one of the advisors the text was from. "Um...Haruka Armitage." Cat-like eyes narrowed in amusement, and she looked curiously at the woman she now considered her friend. "What?"

"Blondie…" She said finally, lifting an eyebrow, a delicate finger tapping at the corner of her chin.

Annoyed at the lack of answer, she shoved at the woman's foot with her own. "Do you know her or something?"

Lips were curling into a dangerous-looking smirk. "This is gonna be a fun meeting, kid."

**Epilogue #20: Edward Searrs  
** **Date: May 26** **th** **, 2015…a Tuesday**

As anticipated, Lu went after the 50/50 provision first, wanting total control over selecting who came onboard from Artai. That of course, could not be allowed, though it did show strong deference to her workforce. Perhaps she was trying to create solidarity within the discomfort of a deal or perhaps she was truly one of those types. He was listening in from his office in London, under his pseudonym. The back and forths, the arguments, the sticking points…he stored criticism for Alyssa, intending to see if she could identify her own missteps first, and made notes about Lu's priorities. When the major details were hashed out, he amused himself by observing on the one-way video feed, as the blonde Aries doctor and his daughter's assistant took turns making asses of the people who spoke out of turn using very divergent methods. They both might eventually require a little humbling, he decided, but for the time being, they were exceptionally useful as-is.

Smith was, of course, doing well with tidying up any loose ends left by the HiME cockup. He was honestly shocked in reviewing some of the material… that Iwasaka had ever bitten on a project which purported to be developing strength enhancement drugs with potential military applications. It was ludicrous and he only wished they had jettisoned the partnership sooner. Visionless morons apparently, the entire research approval board. He and Smith had been remiss to assume them capable of any sort of independent decision making. There were provisions structured into the design and reporting structures within Artemis to safeguard against any sort of foolishness in his second Healthcare foray.

In year two, it was starting to bring the modest (by comparison to his other ventures certainly), profit margin predicted. More importantly, however, his golden angel was being given myriad opportunities for development. He loathed to admit it, but as with his other daughter, her flare for independence was as much a point of admiration as aggravation. Her negotiation style was perhaps, a bit more give-and-take than he would have preferred but the child always had a streak of whimsy and a tendency to ascribe to more conventional views of morality than he did. Likely her mother's doing or Miyu's, impossible to know really but it was there, nonetheless. In any case, it was progressing well as was their work with producing a phoenix from the ashes of HiME.

As he continued to listen to his advisors and his daughter during their post-meeting discussions, he let his thoughts wander. Alyssa, on her winter break home, had surprised him by requesting a meeting to which she did not bring her assistant. Somehow, she'd discovered…or more likely, theorized that the plethora of rumors about HiME was related to the company and Artemis. It was shocking to him that she would put such a thing together given how little he'd told her, impressive and disconcerting in the same breath. At that moment, it became apparent to him that he'd underestimated her intuition or her resourcefulness or her intelligence or perhaps some combination thereof, though he would've already rated all highly. Neither acknowledging nor denying her assertions, he listened silently as she made a request of him. She'd asked that whatever he felt needed to be done, he put an end to any efforts to further discredit Kuga Saeko or suggest that she'd been part of any secret testing in the early days of HiME. Homura was a more suitable and deserving target and Kuga Saeko was unable to defend herself, his daughter had stated. Then, she'd opened a rather handsome briefcase and placed some seedy months-old tabloid on his desk, flipped to a particular story. There was no agreement or further discussion after she said her piece, and he had simply watched her as she rose from her chair, left.

Via the closed-circuit security camera system that he could access on his laptop, his eyes followed her all the way out of the building, hands folded atop his desk blotter. Without much consideration, he knew he would act on this request and it was an odd experience for him, uncomfortable in some respects, to feel so beholden to another person in his business decisions, but he was still clear on what he wanted…to have his daughter as a successor. Certain concessions were inevitable, but they would be limited. He hoped she understood this was using one of a restricted number he'd be willing to grant. It wasn't a very strategic usage of her allowances, but it must've been a sacrifice she felt willing to make, even though it was emotionally driven.

With a single finger, he spun the periodical to face him, gaze tracing the sensationalized byline. 'Rogue scientist tested on own daughter and others - new documents reveal'. The poor reprints of the aforementioned documents were designed in a rather familiar style. In fairness, he had not directed Smith with any specificity as concerned how to accomplish what needed to be done. The diversionary measures had been effective despite their unseemliness. Still, he felt compelled to define some boundaries, given his golden angel disapproved. It was a small request, and he supposed, in retrospect, that there was a possibility such an article, were she to see it, would cause his other daughter undue stress. He'd found no viable service for her or her lover in the current atmosphere of his business, and he, therefore, allowed that there was no reason to drive her in any particular direction either. It served no purpose.

He made his displeasure subtly apparent in a brief phone call. There was a distinct difference between insubordination and missteps. A first misstep only required reeducation and Smith was a man who understood subtleties, caught his meaning immediately.

**Epilogue #21: Okuzaki Akira  
** **Date: June 5** **th** **, 2015… a Friday**

It was pancakes with real maple syrup for breakfast that had made Takumi so blissfully excited this morning because he knew Akira hated breakfast…usually didn't eat until sometime in the early afternoon. They were in America together and Takumi was absolutely convinced that pancakes with real maple syrup were a 'not to be missed' element of American cuisine. Now, he was thinking those pancakes had been a terrible mistake.

Takumi's English was a bit better than his, as he used it more often in his work for the magazine. Between the two of them, they'd rarely gotten stuck…but his partner in life and translation was fading fast. Akira gazed over at his boyfriend who was looking much less than well. He wasn't as interested in this particular section of the information session as it didn't apply directly, but it was fascinating to see what they were able to do surgically.

"Are you okay?" He said quietly, gruffly, embarrassed for his nearly gray lover.

"Do you have that water?" He tried not to smirk as he reached into their complimentary tote and handed it to the man beside him.

More talk about the specifics of male-to-female gender affirmation surgeries, potential complications, and the dark-haired man shook his head as a light sheen of sweat broke across his lover's forehead. He really should have known that his partner would have trouble with this. For a man who'd had as many surgeries and procedures performed on him as Takumi had, it was a bit… he hesitated to use the word pathetic… silly was nicer… that the man could still get faint at even the mention of anything involving blood.

When he first broached the subject of having surgery, of going to this conference, Takumi had been unsurprisingly supportive. He always was, even though this particular decision would be a big one for both of them. Akira quickly dismissed the idea in the weeks after, deciding he didn't like the idea of going to something so heavily oriented toward being a 'group', even if there would be good information. He didn't think much of it again until Takumi told him he bought tickets to Philadelphia. Now here they were.

"Let's go." He said. "I've seen what I wanted to, anyway."

Soft eyes, a little fuzzy with light-headedness glanced up at him. "No, it's fine Akira-kun."

"Come on." He put his hand out, less concerned about doing so given where they were. The red-headed man would do better with some fresh air.

Maybe they could grab a nice dinner before they flew back in the morning…if his pallor improved. Takumi smiled guiltily, bested by his own weak stomach, but took the offered hand anyway. Together they navigated the crowds of people and made their way toward the exit, letting their hands go on instinct when they stepped outside. _Habit._

They'd come to this conference together because Akira had been considering 'bottom surgery'. It was never something he'd definitively wanted or needed, but the thought had been growing in him lately. He knew that some people like him felt it was a completion, but he also knew he didn't feel that way exactly. However, he was a person who believed in preparation and liked to make informed decisions. It was a lot to think about, but he had plenty of time to do so. He was in no rush. This was a good chance for information gathering and really, that was all he'd expected it to be. There had been no thought on his part that attending would mean anything at all to him, but there were odd moments, where existing in the same space as so many people whose experience echoed aspects of his own… was affecting. He'd never been in a situation even remotely similar, and though he was not the type to analyze his emotions, he was glad to have had the experience. Unbeknownst to him, it had made a small crack in his bias against 'community'.

**Epilogue #22: Yamada  
** **Date: August 18** **th** **, 2015… a Tuesday**

Another month and he was going to retire. Strictly moonlighting for favored clients, from then on. The chronic neck and back pain was starting to get to him, being bent over for hours at a time. Having a relatively functional body was pretty much a necessity if he wanted any chance of enjoying his retirement. Those two, they'd been quite a find for him and he was one of those lucky ones who got to leave feeling confident the shop was in capable hands. Akira and Sara, maybe he'd do something really nice for them… a bonus or something.

The bell on his door echoed as it opened and in walked Saeko's daughter. He'd been expecting her tonight.

"Hey," She said with a little wave. Definitely in a better mood than the last time he'd seen her, but he wasn't sure the information he had to give her tonight was going to help that much.

He nodded to her and gestured to the salon chair. "Just some touch-ups, right?"

"For now, yeah."

Stretching his neck, he slipped himself onto the stool and rolled up to her. "Lift up your shirt, Kuga." His eyes roamed critically over his work as it was exposed, noting where more color was needed and where more definition might improve the overall impression. It really was a beautiful piece now that it was all together, one of his best he thought.

Grabbing a fresh pair of gloves, he cracked sore knuckles, while his eyes searched for the needed hues.

"Buy that cabin in the woods yet?" He asked casually, as he stood to grab what he needed, and snippets of their previous conversation returned to him. The laugh she gave was more of a snort and he started with the easier news. "I got my eye on one."

"Are you're leaving?" She asked, brow furrowed.

"Half-retiring. My back is pretty wrecked. Preferred clients only. I'll still do your work if you text me." He smiled at the fact that she honestly seemed relieved by the last part, taking a seat with the things he'd gathered.

"Smart to get out while you can still walk." The acknowledgment was made, as she glanced over her shoulder at him.

"Exactly."

"Let me know if you want the name of someone." He'd forgotten she was a doctor, found it hard to think of her beyond Saeko and tattoos sometimes.

Setting up everything he needed and popping in a cherry jolly rancher, he took another appraisal. Realizing the most work was needed on the newest part of her tattoo, he decided he'd need a flat needle. There was a lack of definition in the two characters, a hazy aesthetic that he had liked on paper, but wasn't quite as certain of on her skin. The silhouetted figures, kneeling and holding one another… some definition would help, but he'd have to be mindful to keep their ambiguousness. It was important, the point of that picture actually…that the observer was able to apply their own identities to the figures. They'd always been women in his mind. He'd pictured them as her and Saeko immediately, some heavenly reunion. Yamada wasn't certain what she saw when she'd first picked up the image...if it was even remotely similar, but he sure as hell wasn't going to ask something that personal. It defeated the image's artistic purpose anyway…for him to know how she saw it.

"I'm gonna sharpen up this part." He pointed, reaching over to grab the hand mirror…used his pinky to point to the outlines where he intended to refine some of the linework. "Some of the colors on the older part need refreshing." Another indication. "Like here. What do you think?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Yo, Yamada! We're headed out for a beer, you gonna come?" Shaggy blonde hair fell in front of Sara's eyes as she exited the office, gave a wide smile, tossing a thumb at Akira as he shrugged on his coat, expression neutral as ever. "Oh, whoops! Hey, Kuga!"

"Hey." She nodded at them both, one nodding back and the other waving with much more excitement.

"Find yourself someone who appreciates art yet?" It was said lightly, as she locked the office door. Natsuki lifted her head, giving the girl a bit of smirk, but said nothing and Akira smiled to himself as he zipped his jacket. "Wow, okay. Good for you."

Yamada wheeled himself out so he could see the Kuga's face, surprised when a hint of blush took it and eyes averted. Shrugging, he wheeled himself back. "Gallager, put on some mood music before you head out?"

"Sure thing, boss. Chet?"

"Perfect." The first strains began as the two of them locked up the front door and headed out. "Heard something interesting…"

"Yeah?"

"I guess the latest revelation on the rumor circuit is that it only worked in females."

She didn't seem particularly shocked by that little bit of information. "That was in the early stuff from my mom, but I thought they must've just found a way around it."

"Apparently not. Homura buried for some reason."

"That makes no damn sense."

"Agreed, but I've run out of why's for HiME at this point. Might as well get this out of the way too." He stated as he began to dot color where he thought it was needed. "They're gonna pass it off as something new, take her name out of it. Just thought you should know."

She was silent for a long time as he worked, and he began to worry he'd really upset her. "How?" Was the only word she said.

Pausing, he placed the gun on the tray and pulled off his gloves, needing to stretch anyway. "Give it a new history, start it somewhere else."

Her chest expanded around a sigh. "I knew they couldn't use the name, or hers. Not after everything. No one would touch it."

Nodding to himself, he couldn't argue with her logic. "That's pretty much what Searrs said in his memos. Someone dropped them off at the shop." A few lateral bends had his neck feeling a little less like it was made of wood. "Anonymously of course."

"Smith." It was said with such tiredness and he wondered if she was finally done with all this.

"I would guess so." Smith was the most likely culprit, always. A fresh pair of gloves donned, he started again. "I'm just glad it's finally gonna work out for Saeko." Her head whipped around and he had to still her. "Woah."

It took visible effort for her to relax, but she did and without her usually mumbled apology. "How the hell do you figure anything worked out for her?" It was one of the few times he could tell that something he'd said legitimately pissed her off.

"They can call it whatever they want." Dipping into the blue, he began working on the ice crystals. "She didn't care about her name on things. I told you before, she just wanted it out there." Her muscles seemed to smooth at the comment, tension easing.

"Not like this." She said quietly, which he could agree with. The whole thing from a global perspective was largely bullshit, but still… the serum would be available. That had to count for something.

"At least they didn't make it disappear. That's what I thought they'd do, trash it." A little more violet, maybe… definitely.

"True."

"Before everything got crazy, when I knew Saeko…for it to out there helping people, that's all she wanted." He wasn't totally sure she believed him and he also understood why, but it seemed to chill her out anyway. _Good, let it sink in._ Homura had to be stopped, that stuff needed to come to light… bad always comes with good.

Under his breath, he hummed along softly with 'I get along without you very well', as he continued perfecting his prior work, added the final touches to _'most precious person'._

**Epilogue #23: Homura Nagi  
** **Date: September 3** **rd** **, 2015… a Thursday**

He still thought of Fujino-san often while sitting in his cell. It was one of his greatest regrets, not being able to fully realize her decline. In his defense, it was very boring in jail and there were so few beautiful things to distract himself with anymore. There was little of interest to him here…nothing to do really but amuse with small diversions, such as engineering spats or infighting amongst other prisoners, but they were trivial things, merely a way to pass the time. Sometimes he also thought of Kazahana Mashiro, of how far she'd let him take things and of whether or not she'd been successful in editing the breadth of her own involvement. He thought probably she had because he'd heard nearly nothing about her in the aftermath.

Having pleaded guilty on all counts, his trial was fairly expedient and the fifteen years he received were significantly less than he would've expected. Some of the charges they'd initially wanted to levy against him had proven impossible to substantiate due to his dedication to inaccurately documenting nearly everything he'd done. The bedlam he fashioned had been his only true accomplice.

He was quite proud of much of it actually. From all the movement he saw happening with the Healthcare systems, it was pretty apparent to him that Smith was still hopelessly occupied with trying to resolve what he'd done… still toiling away at untangling his random assortment of individual messes. Those types of men were always toiling away, trying to control the disarray, to order things which could not be ordered, to find yet another way to convince themselves they were the masters of their own fates. He estimated the expenses to Searrs at a few billion yen by now.

There was the odd, trashy reporter floating in and out, less so now, but they wanted to talk to him, and he wondered briefly, when they first appeared, if they were agents of Smith as well. But then they seemed so convinced that there was some shred of continuity to a story he'd invented as he went. It was fun to talk with them and the things he told them were the most haphazard conjurings his mind had to offer. Some were true, some were half-true, some he couldn't honestly recall the accuracy of, and some were outright lies and he kept track of none of it because it no longer mattered. His time with them was spent watching their eyes as he tossed out this or that, marveling at how willing they were to believe that he held the answer to some great mystery in his head. It was the best kind of absurd. Often when it happened that his aimless vocal wanderings led to Saeko, he noticed that they became acutely interested.

If he'd learned anything in this, it was that these men, unlike the mainstream press who had taken the original article as gospel, took almost perverse delight in any tidbit which suggested fault on Saeko's part. Their thumbs would race across tiny screens, hanging on his every word as if he were some fly caught in a web she was somehow still spinning even some twenty years after her death. It was so far from the truth as to be laughable, but it seemed to be the version they most enjoyed the flavor of… the bad woman, the corrupted woman. He wondered if Kuga-san would ever come to hear these rambling, largely fictitious, nearly purely incendiary interviews. If it would bother her, how it would bother her, what she would do with her pain… if her suffering had even the slightest chance to still drive Fujino-san to the very edge of madness. Unlikely, but nice to imagine. Though what would be the purpose if he wasn't even there to see any of it?

He chastised himself for his disappointment. Whether or not anything he'd done had a lasting impact was never supposed to be the end game…an end game was never supposed to be the end game. The only point was always to create something that made no sense, to show everyone that searching for sense was the ultimate exercise in futility and he'd done that. Why did he hide the fact it only worked in females with such unusual meticulousness? No reason…another layer, which he was certain these types of men would read into. Why casually inject random members of his control groups? Why not? If Smith ever tracked down everyone in the control groups, every one of those vials, it would have to be through an act of God and he simply didn't believe in such things. Those little tubes, those injected people...they were now servants of chaos as well wandering about out there because he could not.

Goodness, he was so very bored here, but entropy dictated things would change again, at least that he was certain of. It was merely a waiting game.

**Epilogue #24: Nina Wang  
** **Date: December 12** **th** **, 2015…a Saturday**

Nina held his hand in hers and reflecting on how sure was that she had yet to prove herself, that there was so much to do before she even considering dating. That idealistic, very ambitious mentality…how quickly it fell away when he'd walked up and asked her for coffee. Her rationale after the fact had been that she'd gotten a new position, was learning how to work alongside Fujino-sensei effectively…she was on her way. The truth of the matter, when boiled down to its essence, was that a cute guy had asked her on a date for coffee and she said yes…and that could be okay. She was trying to be less rigid in her thinking, or Arika and Erstin were hell-bent on infecting her with their incurable positivity. In any case, things were settling at work and she was doing acceptably at her job, even though she still had a lot to learn by her estimation. She was trying not to be entirely ungrateful for the things that were going well and her relationship with Yuuichi was definitely one of those.

Nina was a serious girl and she drove herself with an almost aggressive amount of force. She hadn't anticipated how much she'd value meeting a person who felt satisfied with their work. His employment in IT and his teaching sporadic classes at the Kendo dojo were enough for him. The fact that his passion wasn't wrapped up entirely in his ambitions…she admired it.

Glancing over at him, the memory of his eyes before his hand surgery floated into her head. Such sadness, so haunted and now they looked nothing like that. They were such a gorgeous honey brown, with unusually long eyelashes for a man. He was so incredibly handsome, especially in his suit. She really wished Arika had never mentioned the fact that she thought he looked like a younger version of her adopted father. His eyes, they were different…she'd wanted to strangle the girl for putting that idea in her mind at all. It was such a weird thing to say.

It was also uncomfortable to think that Kuga Natsuki, the trauma surgeon, had been with him too. He told her about his prior relationship because he knew they worked at the same hospital. There were so few degrees of separation on this island. If she was honest, it did make her feel a little tickle of jealousy, but it was illogical and she had no reason for it, so she tried her best to ignore it.

It was even odder still, to be his date to Kanzaki-san's Christian style wedding. He married the woman who owned the shop around the corner from the hospital, who Yuuichi had apparently also dated very briefly in high school. He'd been anxious about the going from the start, said that he and Kuga didn't talk really, but that there was a group of them coming to this event who all used to be really good friends. Yuuichi had confided in her last night that yet another one of his exes, the one where their breakup had led to his hand injury, had photographed Kuga and Shizuru in secret around town and texted the images to him. It was a really terrible thing to do, she thought…to both of them. In turn, she told him she'd heard things around the hospital, that there were rumors she didn't know the truth of which placed Kuga and Shizuru together. His reaction to it was difficult to gauge, but she always thought it best to know all the available information. Seeing Kuga and Shizuru there… them together, speaking quietly, their casual touches, familiar glances…the rumors that they neither confirmed nor denied seemed very probably true to her.

From an emotional perspective, there were many opportunities for jealousy tonight, maybe for him too, and it wasn't that she felt none of it, but he'd been so honest with her… about Kuga… about the texted pictures… about his discomfort. It would be unjustified punishment she thought, to treat him as though he'd done something wrong merely by attending. Honestly, given the circumstances, she was proud of him for going at all.

When the reception ended, they walked toward the coat check, somehow arrived only a few seconds after Kuga and Shizuru. Nina felt no reason to shy away from them unless he felt adamant about it, which he'd not said he did. Maybe it was for the best they'd run into each other because she didn't think Kuga knew about them. They weren't close work colleagues, didn't even belong to the same division and it would have come across petty to seek her out just to tell her, she thought. It was probably pretty obvious now, but still. She could sense him taking in the sight of them standing there at the end of the line together, as he had when they'd given their speeches.

It wasn't shocking that her former sensei who noticed them, was the first to speak. "Good evening, Nina."

"Hi, Shizuru." It still found strange to call her former sensei that, but they'd both been Attendings for over a year together. It stood to reason that she would address her as if they were on equal footing. "Kuga." She added.

"Wang." She didn't think she'd ever seen the trauma surgeon quite so mellowed as she was then. Gone was the cool, almost arrogant confidence that so often surrounded her in the hospital. "Tate." It was said quietly.

Her boyfriend gazed back at the woman, surprising Nina when he entwined his hand with her own. "Hey, Kuga." She wondered if he was making a point, but his palm felt too clammy for that.

It was difficult to know whether introducing him was totally appropriate, but it was only polite. "Shizuru, this is Tate Yuuichi."

"Nice to meet you, Tate-han." Though it was said warmly, Nina noticed that her eyes held the same sort of concentrated focus they did during a difficult case. It was apparent to her then, that Shizuru was most likely aware of his and Kuga's past too.

Nevertheless, the greeting seemed to bring him back to himself. "Fujino-san, right? You work with Nina?"

"Fortunately, yes, I do have the privilege." Nina felt a distracting flush of embarrassment as the woman gazed her way. She never had gotten used to Shizuru's tendency to compliment. "You enjoyed yourselves I hope?" It was asked as Kuga turned to speak with the man at the counter.

"Yeah, it was good to see Mai so happy. She deserves it." Yuuichi glanced over at her, his eyes asking if she was okay and she squeezed his hand gently in case he needed it.

"She does." Kuga agreed as she passed Shizuru her coat. Having procured their jackets, there was no longer a place for them in line and they stepped to the side. There was a stretch in which it seemed none of them could think of a thing to say.

It was again her former preceptor who spoke…another warm smile given to the two of them. "Well I suppose we shouldn't keep you two, but I do hope you have a lovely evening and it was a pleasure, Tate-han."

"You too," Nina answered, while her boyfriend nodded, seemingly mulling something over.

"Kuga!" He said suddenly, drawing all of their eyes at once. "It was…good to see you." There didn't sound like any sort of hidden meaning, she thought, just honest sentiment.

The trauma surgeon watched him for a second, gave a small smile that she looked like she meant as well. "Good to see you too, Tate."

Maybe the oddest thing yet was how much their exchange felt like a balloon popping, thick air turned thinner in an instant. Still, Kuga paused after taking another step, turned back to him, worried her for one foolish moment.

"Say 'hi' to Alyssa before you go." Was her only comment.

He laughed a little, nervousness as he rubbed at his neck. "Yeah, I will."

Then they all went their separate ways, him not letting go of her hand until he went to get their jackets. Without thinking, she turned, her eyes following them as they walked away. Feeling much the intruder, she caught Shizuru as she placed a quick hand on Kuga's face, thumb gliding softly across her cheekbone with an even softer look which was returned…and then her hand fell away.

"She's Kuga's kid sister." He said and she startled.

She was flustered enough that it took her a moment to process his words. She hadn't given Kuga's comment a second thought, assumed that it was some high school acquaintance. She was more genuinely curious than anything else but hadn't intended to ask him who Alyssa was.

"Oh okay." Was all she could think to say.

He was considering something while they waited, but wherever he was with his thoughts he returned from quickly. It was hard not to notice that his eyes, when they lifted from the floor, traced her body briefly. He stared for only a moment from beneath those gorgeous eyelashes. It made her warm before his eyes met hers.

When he helped her into her jacket there was a soft-spoken, somewhat bashful compliment of his own. "You look really pretty in that dress, Nina."

She smiled at him with an equal level of bashfulness, slipping her hand back into his as they walked away together.

**Epilogue #25: Sasaki Midori  
** **Date: December 12** **th** **, 2015…a Saturday**

Fujino Shizuru…expert secret keeper, mysterious letter recipient, possible antique weapons specialist, giver of subtly indecent stares, and now she could add toastmaster to her resume as well. Reito had asked her to make a speech almost immediately after the family members finished, in the ultimate lesbro move.

Mai-san and Reito had a number of friends make speeches after his father and her brother spoke. She sat in dreamy enjoyment listening to them…Chie, Yohko, and even Yuuki-san offering their unique perspectives, well wishes, and anecdotes for the couple. Kuga was the most intriguing to watch in her opinion, the way she spoke, with that deep voice oscillating between confidence and awkwardness, her straightforward stare saying just as much as her words. Midori could see what Shizuru was so taken by. There were some pretty interesting thoughts about his wife from Reito's sister, which his parents seemed alarmed by. Unusually the attendants were more friends than family, but it was sweet that way she thought.

The show-stealer, wedding dress aside, was the bride's brother's outfit, which was definitely throwing tradition out the window. An impeccably tailored silken suit in some blue color, with black trim. It was an absolute sight to behold and he wore it well. The wedding reception was lovely and romantic, and exactly the kind of event she loved to attend. Kanzaki really seemed head over heels for the redhead and vice versa. The whole thing just had a great vibe to it.

The afterparty though, this was what she'd been waiting for and she'd already stretched herself out on the corner of a couch. It was the first time that the bride and groom's two groups of friends had collided since the beach party. Yohko sat next to Midori with two freshly poured shots of whisky. Lifting their glasses, they clinked and tossed them back. _Oh, it burned so good._

"So, that suit, huh?" She asked, with a grin, tilting her chin toward the brother.

"I'm in love with it." Yohko laughed, her eyes momentarily wandering as Shizuru walked by. They smiled happily at one another as she made her way toward Kuga.

"How did it feel to be part of Kanzaki's all-girl half and half speech factory?"

"Do I even ask?"

"Half lesbian ladies, half straight ladies. Although with the way his sister hangs on his new wife it might be 75/25." Playful eyes met a pair of skeptical ones.

"Seriously, what goes on in that head of yours?" Midori shrugged, taking a sip of the champagne that Aoi had left on the table when she went to the bathroom with Chie. "It's fully possible I'm getting too old for afterparties," Yohko commented.

"Oh stop." She waved her hand dismissively, then waggled her brows. "Besides, love knows no age. Who knows how many more of these, there'll be?"

"If I ever get married Midori, leave that out of your speech." The nurse dragged the champagne glass her way.

Her friend was staring at her with interested eyes. " _If_ you do? Did you change your mind about the whole bachelorette lifestyle?"

It was incendiary phrasing from the standpoint that Yohko never specifically said she was against such a thing, but Midori was in the mood for banter and she knew where to find it. "Just because I don't care if it happens, doesn't mean I'm opposed to getting married."

"There might be some benefits."

There was nothing but chiding on the face of her friend. "Not shocking that a woman who just spent weeks running around Patagonia looking for dinosaur bones with her paleontologist husband would think so." Yohko teased, gently pushing the other woman's knee.

The redhead laughed. "There's still arguably some utility… even for the half-tame among us."

"Mm, such as? And don't you dare say sex. I'm not having that conversation here."

There was a definite smirk. "Opening a stuck jar can be hard on your own."

"That is a struggle." Was her mirthful response.

Midori grinned, stealing Aoi's champagne back, "So, who was that loud blonde lady? The one Shizuru looked like she'd subtly trying to get away from half the night. I didn't know her."

Her friend nearly snorted. "Oh, that was Armitage, she's an Anesthesiologist too. She used to work with us. Her, Reito, and Shizuru actually used to go get drinks, believe it or not. She's okay."

Resting her cheek on the back of her knuckles, she gazed over at the other woman. "I thought you were Reito's drinking buddy?"

"Only when he wants to get serious."

Another chuckle. "Is Shizuru a lightweight or something?"

"I don't know if I'd go that far."

Clapping her hands together twice, her eyes twinkled with a bit of excitement. "Then a shot is definitely happening. It's a party after all, and with the wedding of our very own Mai-san and Reito as our reason to celebrate, the bar for a completely unforgettable good time has never been higher!"

"All of that means what?" Yohko interpreted, voice dry as toast. "You're gonna try to convince Shizuru to do a shot with you?"

"Why not?"

Both her hands were lifted as she shrugged her shoulders. "Go for it, Midori, but I'd bet you a bottle of that sake you like, it won't happen."

There was another sparkle brimming in her eyes. "Oh, we'll see."

"Hiya!" Aoi greeted, taking a seat at their table with Chie.

"Hi." They both said, nearly in unison.

"How deep in are you?" The short-haired woman asked, eying them as she and her partner plopped down on the couch.

"Barely started." Midori delivered her correction airily, turning her head haughtily. "I have at least two more evolutions in me."

Chie sipped conservatively at a beer, watching the two of them for a moment. "You two scare me sometimes."

"As long as everyone doesn't get too drunk to dance!" Aoi added with a light laugh that suddenly became a pout. "Hey! Did you drink my champagne?"

Despite their talk, Midori and Yohko regulated each other as they were wont to do nowadays at important events, where maintaining the line between fun and sloppy was essential for maximized enjoyment. Even so, there was still plenty of celebration to be had. The karaoke was epic, her own performance quite spirited. Between drinks with Yohko, the redheaded woman had a great time ranking the various couplings on the lighted dance floor…such wonderful variety. Aoi, without a doubt, would be awarded best overall…graceful and comfortable and clearly possessing some level of skill with it. The trio of siblings was maybe a fan favorite for their enthusiasm and unexpectedly flashy moves. Most of the others earned a smattering of style points, the bride and groom especially.

Midori, much to the shock of her friend, succeeded later in convincing a pretty solid group, which Fujino Shizuru and Kuga Natsuki were among, to take a shot in honor of the happy couple. Whether it fully counted though, remained hotly contested because Shizuru had sipped hers, but finished it. Midori debated that 'yes' it counted, because the shot glass was empty, while her friend argued some absurd semantics about the definition of 'taking a shot'. Regardless, she considered it a win and fully expected Yohko to buy her that bottle of Isojiman.

**Epilogue #26: Haruka Armitage  
** **Date: October 9** **th** **, 2016…a Sunday**

Haruka had intended to raise her son in a very particular way, the right way. He was fiercely independent though, and unerringly… unfortunately… different _. That boy._ Such a constant surprise.

Her son had started this entire mess by kissing Yukino's daughter directly on the mouth. He'd done it after getting a bit too rough when they were playing. He didn't know his own strength and he was certainly strong for a boy his age. She couldn't help the swell of pride that she felt watching him, his physical development well ahead of where it should be. Good genes, Sizushiro genes her father had remarked. Haruka was becoming less and less convinced though because his physical giftedness was where the genes seemed to stop. The doll he'd carried despite her insistence that he not, the doll he inexplicably named 'water', that had been such a difficult time between the two of them. At least he liked sports too.

This morning Yukino's daughter had fallen, cried her eyes out, and he'd helped her up with such gentleness. She'd watched the whole thing, ready to lecture him for misappropriation of strength, but a touch to her crossed arms stopped her. She looked on as her son leaned in. Her head had swiveled on her neck of its own accord as their tiny lips met. She'd been too surprised to speak for a moment and then his name tumbled from her lips, laced with annoyance and incredulity and embarrassment. He'd looked at her with those brown eyes he'd gotten from his father, his blond hair pushed up toward the middle… it was such an unusual combination.

"Don't do that!" She said.

"But I like her!" He protested and they'd locked eyes.

The cross of her arms had tightened. "You can't go around kissing anyone you like!"

"I love her, okay!?" His arms shot out laterally accentuating his words and her irritation.

Eyes widened, his words exacerbating her mild horror. "You can't just say you love her now so…"

"I'm not!" He'd accused, interrupting and now crossing arms as well. "I love her, so it's okay I kissed her!"

She felt her forehead wrinkling. "Enough. I said not to."

"But I didn't do a bad thing!" He looked to Yukino. He was always looking to Yukino, it was infuriating. "It's not bad. right?"

She was on the edge and ready to reply, but in truth, she was curious about what her friend would say as well. Untucking her hand from her elbow, she gestured for her to try what she would, clenched her own lips to hold in the aggravation. If Yukino wanted to attempt reasoning with the boy, good luck.

"It's not that it's bad Tetsuo-chan, not if you care about someone." Her friend tired, followed by another thoughtful pause that made her stomach twist inexplicably. "But you shouldn't without asking. You should always ask first."

She couldn't help it as her eyes rolled. He was going to be kissing everyone now! That was unusually terrible advice from her usually reasonable friend. Reluctantly, she said nothing because if Yukino thought such a thing was logical to tell him, she felt somehow obligated to trust that, at least until the complaints started from that daycare.

"I guess it's not _as_ bad if you ask and you care about them." She acknowledged with only a trace of frustration she actually felt.

Haruka didn't like the twinkle in his eye at her admission, she didn't like it at all. Then, sure enough, he looked Yukino straight in the face. "Can I kiss you?" _That boy._

She could tell her friend was a little embarrassed as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Then she slowly knelt down and Haruka couldn't believe it… she was just going to humor him?! There was a moment where the two of them, her son and her friend, stared at one another and Haruka tried to relax.

The boy stepped up and there was a shy smile from both of them, a quick nod. Then her three-year-old gently pressed his lips to her friends. She felt her eyebrow rise, twitch, and had no idea where the second surge of discomfort in her came from.

"It's okay, 'cause I asked." He pronounced.

Yukino smiled at him. "Don't you want to give one to your mother too?"

"No." The blonde could tell her son was making a point, a bit of a bratty point. "You should!" He proclaimed, pointing excitedly at Yukino and Haruka felt her other eyebrow jump up to meet its twin. Of all the things to say…

"No, she shouldn't!" She corrected him firmly.

And of course, he was pouting now. Her heart pinched despite the annoyance she felt. That pout was deadly and now what? He thought she was going to kiss Yukino just to satisfy him? Not a chance.

"But why?" He asked...fists on his hips.

She grimaced, searching for words. "It's different for grownups."

"She can ask you first!" As far as the little boy was concerned his mother was now trying to break the rules they set. "That's what you said!"

"Tetsuo-chan, enough. And Yukino said that."

"You did too mama." That bottom lip, it was starting to tremble, and his eyes were narrowing to match hers.

A bright red flush took her friend's cheeks and she felt bad. "Okay, stop this right now. I said 'no' and this is not how you ask for anything anyway!"

He flopped dejectedly onto the floor, facedown and laying absolutely still…like some fish hauled onto dry land once it finally gave in to its fate. It was his weird version of a tantrum and she prayed for strength. Yukino's daughter, curious, came over and poked him with her foot, while he whined with each jab of her toe.

"Nozomi-chan, be nice to him." Yukino corrected and she stopped, with a chastised nod. After another moment of sulking, he stood, fingers eaten up by his too-long sleeves and sniffling. The little girl stood beside the boy and pushed his hair back up into points.

She didn't like how carefully he was thinking or how distractingly cute they were being and then that stare, those sparkling eyes. "Please Mama? If she asks you, it would be okay 'cause you love themchuthers."

"Each other, Tetsou-chan." Her friend corrected gently, and then gave her a shy glance, that was fast firming. She was at a complete loss. "Haruka-chan?" The tone of it, her name said so softly, was what surprised her, and she turned to her friend, anger forgotten. A strong sense of déjà vu began to tug at her.

"What?" She said sheepishly, eyes flicking down to her son's suddenly hopeful expression.

She felt her eyes widening, as her friend took a breath, a slow blink. She wouldn't possibly dare, she couldn't possibly. "Yukino…" Her voice was quiet, unusually quiet, her whole body humming, but she was unable to say anything more.

The hopeful eyes of two children and another pair averting and then steeling. "Can I kiss you?"

There was no explaining any of the things she felt. Those words in her friend's voice, they held some bizarre power. She shouldn't have let her say it, now _those_ words in _that_ voice would be bouncing around her brain forever. Her son was shockingly silent, watching them with still glimmering eyes that could not possibly understand. It was a moment between them, the same feeling washing over her as it had so many years ago in that dorm.

Shizuru's unwelcome words about the two of them, they returned to her. In a flash, she felt oddly disgusted by herself, that she had not been forthright with Yukino about this ever. It was not like her, to hide from anything. Some loud voice took her mind. Didn't Yukino deserve acknowledgment at the very least? Even if she could never give her anything else?

As her hands were placed on her friend's shoulders, they met eyes, Yukino's questioning. Haruka leaned in with a body that had never felt tighter in her life. She pressed her lips to the softest cheek she'd ever felt, a subtle smell of body lotion tingling her nose. Soft lips touched her cheek as well. Yukino's daughter clapped as she drew back and the was understanding clear in her friend's gentle eyes…that Haruka knew, had known…but that this was her limit.

Her son sighed dramatically. "You missed Mama!"

**Epilogue #27: Viola Ritsuko  
Date: December 16th, 2016…A Friday**

Ritsuko dusted and polished her husband's urn as she did every morning, adjusted the first two letters he'd written her so that they were perfectly upright, as she slipped the third in behind them. She would not read his letters again today, she'd resolved not to read them so often, for the guilt it brought. He'd written her thirty-five letters before his death, one for every year they'd been married, to be opened once a year on the anniversary of his death. They were, of course, numbered and put in a handsome box. Her first thought upon seeing them was that she hoped she did not live long enough to open all of them.

The first letter was an apology for leaving her and had taken days to get through. The second year revealed that Ken had known about Shizuru. How could he have known and never said so? How could he have let her do all of this to protect him from knowledge he already had? He knew that the stories were her creation and he said nothing until that letter, which he'd made her promise not to open until he passed. He was such an infuriating creature even now, and every moment she felt annoyance with him was the sharpest stab of grief. Ken Viola, the single strangest man she'd ever known, and she'd loved him in a way that made the world feel illusory without him here. What did she have now, but half of herself and the lies she told?

She'd taken a walk to the market a month ago, if only to distract herself from the ache the emptiness of their house caused, and had run into that girl's parents. They'd given her the same stare of unadulterated hatred that they always gave her, and she'd pretended not to notice, as she always had. There were many people in their town who still, even now, whispered or gave her looks. Ken and Shizuru… both had given them plenty to talk about over the years. Whenever these encounters had happened in the past, she'd return home and read the letters she'd written as Shizuru…or she'd find Ken and have him help her imagine it all away. There was no Ken to write to now and no Ken to come home to and waste an afternoon with. The pointlessness of all it stayed with her as much as the grief.

Today had been the third year and the third letter… she'd read it this morning in bed almost immediately after waking…had left it for herself on the nightstand.

In his third letter, Ken asked her to reconcile with Shizuru. He'd explained his own thinking on the matter. She could not agree with all his points, because she did believe that Shizuru should have righted herself. She never faulted Ken for the gossip he incited because it was his own name he played with. Shizuru though was in the same boat as she was, carried the weight of family, and that had to be respected. Being born a woman, there were certain obligations owed to your father's name and then to your husband's. Your life could never be fully your own and to make it so was selfish. It was fundamentally different for them. Nonetheless, she understood his message… that he thought there were immutable things which can only be accepted, that Shizuru's actions fell into that category, that perhaps her own story-making did too. His death was also that sort of a thing, immutable…and no matter how many tales she told herself about convalescence, about the severity of his illness…he had still slipped from her grasp. She could not keep him with her.

And she could not even begin to conceive of how he thought the situation with their daughter was reconcilable, not after all that had happened between them. So many things that had gone so very far. And why three years before he asked for such a thing? Bringing Shizuru back to Kyoto was unthinkable... because Kyoto was a place where an imaginary Shizuru lived now. If her daughter had wanted to pretend to be what she'd created, she would've returned and done so already. Whether considered from Ken's view, that Shizuru was to be accepted or her own view, Shizuru was to be tamed… she'd failed her daughter in both scenarios.

She had not been able to do either and she didn't want to do this. There was only one thing she ever wanted from the moment they'd found out his cancer was terminal. It was a yearning that had only strengthened in the years after his passing, an impossible thing…to have died in his place. Ken would've known what to do with all of this. He was more equipped for it and would've not cared what her parents thought…he would have found his daughter once she passed and the two of them would've found a way to carry on together. Shizuru and she were never close, and it would not mean the same thing even if they ever reunited. She'd always seen that there was a special connection between Shizuru and her father, a connection she'd only ever had with Ken too. She could not be a boy for her parents, could not make one either, could not even be a real mother to her daughter. Ken had always been the only place where she belonged, and the only one built for such heroics.

His third letter also had something else in it, another request that was more of a suggestion. He told her that he had always pictured them retiring to some small island. There was a deed enclosed in the letter to a home on Yakushima of all places. How he'd even bought something like this without her knowing, she could not begin to guess, but he was crafty. She sighed to herself as another piercing slash of loss cut into her. He said he wanted her to leave, to tell no one, especially not her parents, to simply disappear and live a new life that was hers entirely. He'd set aside money for her, investments. He wanted her to go start afresh, as if she could leave everything that troubled her in Kyoto, shed it like a coat. It was so fantastical and so very Ken.

Why did he think her capable of any of these things? What if Shizuru did not want to be found by her? If she were in Shizuru's place, she would not want to be found by her own mother. She doubted very much that Shizuru thought of her, was sure that probably the only thread of connection they had left was their shared grief for Ken. And what would she do every day on a tiny, but beautiful island all on her own where no one knew her? She was not her husband… and she was tied down by things he had never been.

And if all this was so firmly the case, if she was immutable, why did she get up from her bed this morning and wander around their shared home, considering what it would be like to just never return? To never see the judging faces of the people in this town again? To never again let her mother cut her in two with carefully chosen words? Why had she sat in this garden all afternoon, plagued by thoughts of calling her daughter? Imagining what it would be like to see her again, a grown woman who had done all the unimaginable things Ken described, relocated to some island and rewrote herself afresh, selfish or not.

Here she was, sitting in their garden with her phone, surrounded by plants Ken had chosen, considering a call to a daughter she no longer knew, arguably had never known and to whom she would say god knows what… at the behest of her dead husband, who somehow was still making requests of her. Her eyes dropped to her phone again and with no consideration, her fingers moved.

She was calling Shizuru and it never even rang. The number had been changed.

**Epilogue #28: Yumimiya Arika  
** **Date: December 28** **th** **, 2016… a Wednesday**

Arika was super excited to have secured a job at Fuuka hospital, super excited to have been working there for over a year. The three of them… her, Nina, and Erstin who was now in her third year, largely got to stay a trio. She was also super excited that Kuga-sensei and Fujino-sensei seemed to really be together now. It was very romantic she thought and having seen them leave with one another three weeks back, she was wholly convinced that they had to be official. The cool trauma attending and their beloved sensei, she couldn't help but feel a little swoony over it. She'd told Nina as much over lunch and Nina atypically seemed mildly interested in the conversation.

There had definitely been some growing pains for them in the last year. The biggest thorn had been the fact that Arika got along really well with Nina's dad…who just so happened to be their chief. It wasn't very helpful to her and her new friend/boss's work relationship. She liked serious people though, she liked almost everyone really and no one else seemed to want to chat with him. She felt bad, thought he was probably lonesome. It took Arika a little longer than it should of, to realize she might have had the littlest, tiniest, bitsy crush on him…which was weird because he was such a serious guy and way older than her and her chief…and maybe worst of all Nina's father. Thankfully, it seemed completely one-sided. She might've let herself slip to Nina when she found out about her boyfriend though, saw a picture…said he was cute and then immediately followed with an ill-advised comment about how he maybe kind of looked a little like her adopted dad, but younger. That was stupid of her.

There was weirdness from that, but they'd finally worked out the power dynamics, found their harmony. Things in the Fuuka anesthesiology group were good now.

She really felt that Nina was a great Attending…disciplined, good at keeping things organized, always learning, and didn't care as much as Armitage-sensei had about what Fujino-sensei was doing at any given hour. That probably helped with their former preceptor and Nina's improved relationship. Again, not that they hadn't gotten along, but they didn't seem to mesh much before. Now, with Fujino-sensei back and happily working cases much more often, it seemed to be ironing itself out. She'd even spotted them having an occasional unprompted conversation, usually about a case or some new piece of research. It probably helped that when Nina wasn't certain about something professionally, her senior-most choices were Fujino-sensei or her father. She thought Nina just needed to see that beyond their former preceptor's playfulness, she was an extremely competent doctor. Besides which, she was always lecturing at the schools or conferences, so she knew things. Ultimately Nina respected competence and was willing to tolerate the, by comparison, rare teasing their former preceptor aimed at her...as long as it meant she could learn something of value.

They'd just come from a staff meeting about shuffling hours, in which she got to reduce from five to four days a week, staying a bit longer on the back end to cover evening cases. It was some work-life balance initiative. Either way, she was all for it. Interestingly, Fujino-sensei had opted to take the longest shifts, moving from five to three days a week. Arika had noticed that their former preceptor seemed just a little drawn out lately, even tired sometimes, and she hoped this would help. It was an unexpected move though, which meant Nina had spent their whole lunch puzzling over it. Wang-sensei had announced that she would still continue her preceptor duties but asked Arika to assist as needed. It was a role she was more than happy to learn, felt excited for. Her chest had even puffed with pride at the look of acknowledgment her former preceptor sent her way.

**Epilogue #29: Mr. Smith  
** **Date: January 9** **th** **, 2017…a Monday**

_The truth_ … it was a term that Smith distrusted. _The truth,_ in so far as most seemed to understand it, was the great lie, the supposition of objectivity that simply did not exist. It assumed some sort of inalterable base level story even existed. Only pieces of any story, only the few consistencies that stretched across every perspective even came close to what most people considered _the truth_. Any story was in actuality, numerous stories made from the collective narrative of every involved person, each considering their own version of the events to be _the truth_. He was consistently amazed by the media's dedication to finding this imaginary thing, their tenacious dedication to it.

He would freely admit that it was impressive, the enormity of the mess Homura had created. It was coming up on three years since the HiME incident at Fuuka and still, he was fielding off reporters by supplying them with fabricated clues, scraps of inaccurate information with just enough basis in the fact that they seemed plausible. It was a painstaking process really, covering things up, and unappreciated art. As far as he was concerned, his job was only to do something that every other person involved already had. He was a crafter of "truth".

There were several 'facts', which remained problematic for his employer for years after the incident came to a head. He had focused his attention on constructing new truths for those. He determined early on, that the primary and chief most concern was to track down all of the individuals in the original control groups for Mr. Homura's trials, from his time with Kuga Saeko. It was most important, in any situation, to thoroughly understand what factors need immediate attention. Prioritization was paramount. Distractions would buy him the necessary time while providing adequate cover.

He anonymously contacted several of the more fringe reporters and a ridiculous documentarian, made it clear to the Ministry of Justice that access to Mr. Homura not be refused. He correctly assumed that Mr. Homura would amuse himself with them and it worked too well, to the extent it caused problems with Mr. Searrs that needed to be addressed. Still, he had his team pour over all the trashy articles and crackpot theories and conspiracy stories that emerged, for anything that might prove useful in the long run. It served it's intended purpose, helping them to locate more of the information Mr. Homura had spread far and wide before his capture. Periodically, he had the SEARRS media group provide Fuuka hospital with generic responses to the articles that drew enough attention, disavowing such claims for show. Typical sorts of measures to draw attention away for parts of this debacle he still deemed important. After all this time, he'd had no luck in locating the individuals from the initial control groups. He understood Mr. Homura had used the PPD as some sort of marker to determine if the serum had taken, the short-lived rash it produced proof of success. However the names of the carriers, those results could not be found anywhere. Given the limited information and onion-like layers of misinformation, it simply wasn't possible to find. The only option was to publicly disavow any knowledge of the possibly infected individuals. If he was honest, it was the only part of this that truly touched him, his annoyance at not being able to solve that particular problem.

He'd also kept surveillance on Miss Kuga, Miss Viola, Mr. Sakomizu, and the young Miss Searrs throughout. The latter had been a tough sell to his employer, but highlighting the closeness between the sisters repeatedly eventually led to his acquiescence. Initially, he had been surveilling the reporter, Mr. Tokiha, as well but a thorough search of his office revealed he had far less information than Miss Kuga herself. Between the four of them, he was able to piece together what he considered to be most of the important information for the remaining parts of their plan.

In-depth analysis of the research, the alterations to the protocols uncovered patterns only recognized by a computer program specifically designed to search for such things. After the falsified lot numbers were finally matched to the correct recipients, it was apparent that the serum had taken only in female participants. Analysis of the edited documents determined that the result was inexplicably redacted from all official documentation by Mr. Homura. It was the part of this he'd been most successful in keeping secret, even among those who followed HiME.

He was sipping a cup of black coffee, eyes tracing over his own notes and those from his science team on Mr. Sakomizu's hard drive. The reality, as they suspected, was that HiME was simply never intended or designed as a tumor treatment. That appeared to be something of a smokescreen, in spite of its incidental, though inconsistent efficacy. Ms. Kuga had discovered an x-chromosome recessive genetic mutation which through not fully understood means, resulted in super-charged T-cells with high tumor specificity and some suggestion of accelerated healing capabilities. Her early work included some treatments aimed at replicating the few known transcription products of that gene, but they were largely unsuccessful, occasionally deadly. HiME 18 was a version Mr. Homura had made through some minor adjustments to Ms. Kuga's most successful serum, a serum that had markers for gene and immunotherapy. By tinkering with it seemingly at random, sometimes adding the failed formulas and often mixing other pharmaceuticals into the concoctions, like some demented chemist… he produced this unspeakable mess. One of his team had been fortunate enough to spot one of Iwasaka's own formulas mixed into HiME early on and contain the spread of that lovely little detail. It was no small wonder that patients were killed. It seemed inevitable that the samples Mr. Homura had mailed would turn out to be some deadly brew…oddly though all those they'd recovered were pure. Every piece of information they'd acquired supported the notion that Mr. Homura had done this as some ultimately meaningless recreation of his world view. It was not difficult to determine the origin of his vendetta, once the deaths of his family were uncovered.

Ms. Kuga's obsession with cancer prevention…her successes in that area had been the impetus for her removal in the first place. Really, she should have understood that when she elected to work at a pharmaceutical company whose primary focus was the manufacture of cancer drugs, such a direction would be unacceptable. Hiding her research by disguising it as a treatment kept the funds coming, but that coupled with secret changes to the testing protocol ultimately allowed for her removal by the forked tongue of Mr. Homura. A brilliant set-up, since Mr. Smith was quite certain Mr. Homura had been the one to talk her into it in the first place. In any case and all of that sordidness aside, the legal separation between SEARRS and Iwasaka was finally complete.

Artemis Healthcare had been operational for two years now and had finalized the purchase of First District one year ago. His sources indicated there wasn't even the slightest idea that Mr. Searrs controlled the company, only talk that Mr. Searrs had greased the wheels in getting his daughter hired there. His involvement had required no further explanation anyway, once the "purchase" of First District Healthcare was complete. He could then, rightfully sit on the board of Artemis as prior president of First District. Several hospitals, outpatient facilities, and other assets had been acquired. A fairly well-rounded group if he did say so himself, which would by all projections make a tidy penny for his employer, hardly enough to begin accounting for what was lost, but it had elevated their influence in the medical sphere exponentially. In time, it would be recovered. The issue of Miss Marguerite had also been addressed, though with Mrs. Armitage in place it had required almost no effort on his part, just correct set-up. His employer was satisfied with her ousting and her subsequent disillusioning regarding Lu's dedication. The last check-in on her found her father orchestrating some sham of a marriage between her and a minorly influential local politician, a man of course. Whatever came of that was ultimately irrelevant and he considered her chapter closed.

Mr. Searrs had given his group perhaps the heaviest of workloads with his grand plan for a secret rebranding of the functional HiME 18. It would have only been time-consuming if he didn't also have to spend quite a great deal of resources positioning the young Miss Searrs to accept it, giving her enough information and enough misinformation to shape things the way he needed them, building her a truth she could swallow so to speak. It was exhausting really. Mr. Searrs' older daughter, Miss Kuga, who was also particularly labor-intensive to manipulate due to her own tenacity and the ragtag network of characters she'd collected to feed her information … was simpler for once. Luckily for him, it was a situation where the truth needed no massaging. HiME was a tainted name, a dead legacy, and if she ever wanted her mother's cure realized, it had to be hidden, born anew. It was not a debatable thing. He used her informant, Yamada, to deliver the news… a few fabricated internal memos, and the issue was resolved.

It was done, all of it. The miracle treatment was to be released by Artemis's pharmaceutical division in about four months, assuming no further delays. The bulk of the work had really been creating a believable back story for its 'discovery' and the supporting documentation. They dealt with the female-only issue by selling it as an ovarian and cervical cancer prevention vaccination… with the unadvertised side effect of reduced cancer risk across the board… and the listed side effect of mood swings. That was to preempt any lawsuit which might result should the aggression sometimes seen in the test animals prove to have any measurable effect on humans, nothing had manifested in the trials yet. It was decided fairly shortly after Mr. Homura was jailed, that their best course of action was to have "Schwartz" partner with a reputable organization, preferably foreign so as to attract less attention and work on the cure out of country. They'd pursued a relationship with an organization based in Canada, the Centre for Genomics-Enabled Medicine (GEM). By all accounts, the relationship between GEM and Artemis was a success and their breakthrough applauded. Research would continue on how or if, it could be modified for men. Preliminary results were poor.

Placing the last of the documents into his file, he locked the box, carrying it back to the vault in his office… to the place where he stored his _truths._

**Epilogue #30: Fujino Shizuru  
** **Date: April 20** **th** **, 2017… a Thursday**

She ran long fingers through dark hair, moving it from the beautiful face resting on her thigh. "Do you wish to be lied to or do you wish to be told the truth?" It was asked with feigned seriousness.

"Lied to." Was the quick answer, as nervous eyes were cast down the length of her leg.

She took a breath, adopting a suitably apologetic tone. "My poor Natsuki was never informed of the increased possibility of such an occurrence, nor was it properly discussed with her beforehand by several physicians on multiple occasions. Forces have conspired to keep vital knowledge from her."

"Over the top, Shizuru." Was the reply, amusement barely hidden inside a grumble.

"Kanin-na, but can I ask," She let her touch travel along an ear, familiar with its curves and bits of metal. Such a gorgeous creature, content to simply lie in her lap, to stay with her…it was still somewhere just beyond believable, even years later. "Are you truly upset?"

The woman's brow furrowed. "No."

"Terrified perhaps?" It was said gently. She could sense the anxiousness which had understandably been radiating from her lover since it was first revealed to them… but there was fear there too, from both of them. It had been weaving itself in with their excitement since they left.

There was a rather deep sigh against the part of her being used as a pillow. "It's not that I'm not happy about it, Shizuru."

"I know." A nod and words were spoken low. "I do, Natsuki. Perhaps, I may have been projecting a bit before."

"Why would you be terrified? Kids love you." Came the mumbled scoff of a reply.

"Keiko-chan cannot be used as a measure for all other children."

"Shut up. You know it's true."

"Even so," The brunette relented because if she was being honest, most children did seem to take to her. That was not ultimately the issue, "…being responsible for the wellbeing of two people is another thing entirely."

It was something she'd always been drawn to, the idea of having a child, but the imminent reality of it felt quite different than her imaginings. It was one of the most worrying things to her in this, having that much influence in the making and mental health of another human being. So many mistakes that could be made, it required so much trust in herself. She surprised herself with thoughts of her own mother, wondering if she'd felt anything remotely similar when she discovered her own pregnancy, wondering if they'd struggled in the same way when starting down this road or if she'd simply waited too long, wondering if her mother would want to know about this. Unusual for her to think on such things…and still more than a twinge of hurt, even after so long apart.

The dark-haired woman released another of those heavy sighs as she settled into a more comfortable position, burrowing almost as though she were trying to hide. It happily distracted her from her rather morose thoughts. "Giving birth to two babies is another damn thing entirely."

A soft hand on a cheek turned stunning green toward her, a green that could still make her breath catch. "Is that what is frightening you? Because that is certainly understandable."

Her lover frowned as she often did, less than in the past, but still frequently… glancing away and back again. "You better make sure they do the epidural right."

She smiled reassuringly, electing not to bring up the likelihood of caesarian. It hardly seemed the time. "That I can promise you. I will do it myself if need be."

"Alyssa's gonna be excited."

"Of course. She will be a fantastic aunt I think." Considering the recent birth of their friend's son, she thought it prudent to mention them. "Reito and Mai will be quite pleased as well, I would imagine. If not somewhat surprised." She added because they'd told no one but Alyssa that they were even attempting such a thing.

Natsuki nodded, rotating her neck to stare up, turning an earring, thinking something over…something that obviously had to do with her. The studying was almost academic in its intensity. They'd not had the easiest of times getting to this point, had not originally planned for Natsuki to carry, she'd even changed her schedule at work in preparation, which would still be beneficial but…she stopped herself. None of that now.

"Shizuru," Her name was a sigh, too many things to pick out any one them trapped inside. Glad for the interruption, she gazed down at the woman in her lap quizzically, equal parts intrigued, wary, and confused by the sudden comment. What was said next came after a few more moments of silence. "I want one of them to have those. I hope it happens."

"Hmm?" She asked, curious, and not following.

"Your eyes." And green closed, her exhale running away Shizuru's heart.

"So sweet." She whispered not wanting to let her lover dwell and a slight blush, a brief though not unhappy frown answered her. The dark-haired woman had never come to embrace that description, despite Shizuru's insistence that it applied.

Natsuki could be very romantic…always accidentally. Somehow that made it all the more affecting. Those types of words spoken from honest lips, they sank so deeply into her, made her heart strain for just a beat. Shizuru reminded herself that she was not supposed to feel undeserving of this, had sworn to her lover to try and avoid such thoughts. Leaning her head back against the wall behind their bed, she closed her eyes.

The mattress depressed lightly as a small dog hopped up, interrupting them by pressing a paw to her unoccupied thigh, drawing her gaze. "Ara, it seems someone is jealous."

"He doesn't like it when I'm on your lap." Her lover reached over and scratched him. He squinted in approval, a tooth that Alyssa referred to merrily as _'happy fang'_ poking from beneath his lip.

"He does have a rather strong affinity for laps." She agreed.

"Yours and Nao's maybe."

Her hand shifted from raven strands and came to rest on the sensitive skin of her lover's stomach. "I do hope that does not mean you intend to move."

"No." She stroked a finger between his ears, rubbing his head softly. "He's being greedy."

"And yet Natsuki is rewarding him. Should I find that concerning for the future I wonder?" She let the joke sit, the woman below shooting her a mild glare.

As it became apparent that neither of them intended to move, Duran escalated his protest. Natsuki laughed, air puffed through her nose, as he all but threw himself onto the mattress, pink tongue curling as he released an odd yelp of a yawn. Another minute in which neither of his masters moved, and then he gave up, curling into a ball to sleep.

In the quiet that then fell between them, the older woman concentrated on the feel of warm skin, of smooth bone transitioning to taut muscle beneath her hand. Her lover's body…its shapes and its heat always evoked a bit of want despite how many times she'd run her fingers over it…kissed it, seen it. She let herself soak in her desire only briefly…she was very much enjoying their current position. They had not another thing planned this evening, would have time enough for her to indulge it as fully as Natsuki would allow later.

Another rather new imagining bloomed in her thoughts, the experience surreal as she pictured how much must be going on beneath her palm…how much that body would change in the coming months also crossed her mind…how difficult she thought that would likely be for Natsuki, who took such meticulous care of it. It was something she intended to devote her full attention to, providing assurance and reassurance. She was also reasonably certain that Natsuki had no idea how thoroughly she intended to pamper her throughout this, equal or no. Her own eggs that her body would not carry, growing inside the more cooperative body of her lover...it was a thing beyond emotional comprehension. A patch of silence followed during which the dark-haired woman tumbled back into her previous state of seriousness. The shift was noticed, and Shizuru's hand journeyed upward, intent on soothing again. She knew that they'd both thought of those they lost in receiving this news, of the moments that would never be, and considered whether that was part of Natsuki's unease.

"I cannot help but think it is more than the unexpected news." The backs of fingers, gentle and slow, traced the line of her lover's neck as she waited for an answer…careful not to tickle. A beautiful little sigh escaped, as her lover's eyes fluttered closed. She'd discovered that once the woman trusted her hands fully, she responded so adorably well to pets. "Can you tell me what's on your mind?"

"Have you thought about it? If they're girls?"

Shizuru was certain that Natsuki was referring to Artemis' and GEMs supposedly new soon to be released, breakthrough cancer prevention serum. She knew that the other woman was specifically asking if she'd considered it in light of their trying to have a child. The answer she gave was an honest one. "It would be a lie to say that it has not crossed my mind."

"I hate that I'm thinking about it." She murmured, melting rather visibly despite her worry as piano-player hands ran in slow, mesmerizingly smooth tracks along her scalp.

Shizuru reflected on what, if anything else, to say. In their years together, she'd come to think of their grief as waves on the ocean, crashing and receding, but never ceasing, never fully letting them go. She'd learned to trust that they would find each other again, as they had each time one of them was set adrift...and it was for this reason, that the bittersweetness of something so wonderful did not make her lose herself. "We've no need to discuss this quite yet Natsuki, and Alyssa is likely to have better information. She can assist when or if the time comes."

The woman in her lap did not answer. Instead, she absent-mindedly dragged a hand through the fur of Duran's back. He woke and turned to lick her fingers while she gazed at him, her smile turning to a frown. "He's getting gray."

Shizuru reached over and touched pointed ears that still surprised her with their velvety softness. She felt pressed by the need to lighten her lover's heavy thoughts. "It gives him a touch of dignity, does it not?" A dark eyebrow arched at her and that lovely half-smile was back…even if it was a bit small. The silly comment had served its purpose, but a bit more distraction might be helpful. "Natsuki will wear hers just as well, I think."

A glare, she'd successfully prickled the ego she'd seen hints of now and then, but the upset was now lifted. "I don't have any gray hair, Shizuru."

"Not yet, no. But in another six months perhaps?"

Eyes rolled. "Idiot."

Shizuru smiled down at the woman whose insult had become a term of endearment between them before she closed her eyes. Her fingers resumed their play in silk-soft strands while she basked in the warmth between them...in their quiet love.

**END.**

**Author's Note:**

> I do realize that I've set up the story as though healthcare systems, medical training, and hospital hierarchy are the same in Japan as in America. I also acknowledge the ethnocentrism inherent in doing this. You write what you know I suppose, no offense was meant.


End file.
